Thought I'd start a list of reasons people give for not exposing and thus sabatoging their own shot at recovery.

1. My spouse will lose their job.

Better that your spouse lose his/her job than you lose your marriage.

2. It will drive them away.

They�re already gone. Your spouse has left the building and is looking at new and improved (they think) property down the road.

3. It�s mean and vindictive.

No, it�s not. It�s actually a kindness and the best thing you can do to restore your marriage. Exposure is not done in a mean way, but actually in a loving way.

4. My spouse has already told everyone about his/her affair.

WRONG! Waywards lie about this A LOT. You, as the BS should be the one to do the exposing.

5. I had an affair first and my spouse didn�t expose me.

Exactly why your marriage is in trouble. You never recovered properly from the first BOMB that was launched by you.

6. This is a private matter and I don�t want people to think badly of my spouse.

Okay, go ahead and live the lie. You�ll either lose your spouse completely or your marriage, if the wayward does come home, will NEVER be all that it can be because you haven�t truly recovered.

7. You people are just bitter.



Feel free to add more.

8. My wife will be mad to me and my main goal in life is to avoid her wrath AT ALL COSTS instead of saving my marriage

9. she is bigger than me and will beat me!

10. The OMW/OWH will kill my WS.

and ... I am a

Nevermind that THAT particular threat wasn't a concern while my spouse was boinking the OM/OW.

11. My Spouse tells me they are "just friends" and are not really sleeping together and I trust her / him when they says that

Because she'll LEAVE me if I make her mad!!! I know she's sleeping with this OM but at least she's at home!

I don't want something bad to happen to the kids.

Something worse than adultery and divorce or an OC?

11. I told WS if I find any more sign of contact, I will expose. There has been NC since.

Exposure is NOT blackmail!! This tactic does NOT work and just motivates the cheaters to take contact underground!

Sure they did. That's why they kept it a secret When you expose the affair, it is then YOUR fault that the OPS is angry and full of vengeance, not the cheater cheater pumpkin eaters, hence their super sneakiness

bootybrains

Reason #___: Because my spouse told me it was over. Pinky swear.

12. But I promised WS I wouldn't expose, how can I go back on my word now .......


You tell WS that you gave more thought to exposure,

and you changed your mind.

13. My therapist thinks it's a bad idea.

Therapists are notorious givers of bad advice when it comes to dealing with infidelity. Dr. H. has 35 years of clinical research to back his PROVEN methods for recovering from an affair.

14. My family and friends will not accept my WS anymore and will tell me to get a divorce.

(We all know that we o what everyone else tells us to).

Because if I actually start to fight against the affair and it ends, I might have to look at MYSELF to see what needs to be fixed.

Mark, you are supposed to give your reason a number.
You are messin' with PM's list!

15
Happy now?

I coulda said "42."

And that ...... would've been messin' with my mind.


I've never read that reason from a BS, the one that you gave.
Although it's a silent one, it's a very true one.

Part of the fear/denial factor in some BS's I suppose.

whatever number

Because my spouse told me that if I expose his affair he will never ever trust me again.


He's turning the tables on you regarding trust. Fact is, he knows he cannot be trusted, and by telling you that he cannot trust you, he is shifting the blame and trying to make you feel guilty - when in fact the truth is that YOU cannot trust HIM.

A common tactic used by waywards! (and the gender could be HER as easily!)



whatever number plus one

Because my spouse told me that if I expose her affair she will never forgive me, and will leave me for SURE if I do.


The truth is that this is a bluff, made out of fear that the betrayed spouse will expose the affair AND leave the marriage. By threatening abandonment, the wayward is playing on what she knows to be a huge fear of the betrayed spouse at the time of d-day, that the betrayed is fearful the wayward will leave the marriage. Truth is that it is often the case that if the affair is exposed, the affair DIES more rapidly, and the wayward begins to see it for what it IS - a fantasy.

We'd all just really rather complain about what others do and have done than to examine ourselves to make sure that what WE are doing is right.

Some of us enjoy our Independent Behavior and our Disrespectful Judgments that we use as leverage to get our own way and if we have to fight the affair it could cause us to have to change our own actions. We like blowing off steam built up from things at work by lashing out at our spouse and really enjoy being able to get what we want by demanding to get our way.

We don't want to give WS a reason to tell the world our own dirty little secrets. We LIKE our own hidden sins and that can't possibly be part of the problem.

It's so much easier to just blame it all on lack of commitment from our spouse and vent about how unfair life has become than to actually do something that might make us examine our own behavior.

The first question any BS has to answer is, "Why would my WS want to be married to me?" (What's in it for my WS?)

And the second is, "Why do I want to be married to my WS?" (What's in it for ME?)

The third is, "What do I do now?"

Until you answer the first two, you have no hope of finding an answer to the third.

It all comes down to fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of being seen as a failure. Fear of being found out to be a fraud. Fear of looking in the mirror and realizing I don't much like myself either...

If an affair is fueled by resentment, where do you suppose that resentment came from? I can't fix my marriage until I figure out how to fix MY half and I can't fix that until I fix ME.

JMO and worth every cent you pay for it...

This was one of the hardest things for me to face during the false recoveries, because WxH made it sooooo easy to excuse myself from the mirror by continuing to withhold affection and refuse to be O&H....but I knew that I needed to change if I was to ever be a good wife/partner again. I've done the majority of the work in his absence, and have been called out many times by AZman, just as I've called him out.

The A is no excuse to be a total poo head to your WS when/if they are trying to recover with you.

16. I cannot expose because my spouse said that if the kids find out they will lose all respect for him/her and suicide would be the only answer for him/her.

<Can you say emotional blackmail?>

committed

17.
"Because people might not believe me, and say I am just airing dirty laundry and/or its just sour grapes. They all say I should just move on because he has obviously made his choice, and besides (heard behind closed doors) you never really know what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors, even if it looks good on the outside."

I think that one boils down to FEAR of what others think of 'me', the victim, and how good society is a vilifying whom ever they think is the bad guy.

Because I was embarrassed and shamed that my XH was having an A with a plastic pig when I worked there too.

Many 2x4s later I exposed but it was too little, too late.

Hey - I'm just happy Mark kept it to a few lines

It may not be vindictive in the larger scheme, but it is bound to be perceived that way. Everyone says that the anger passes in a few days, but that is a huge thing to take on faith when you're hanging by a thread. I don't know all of you yet - what results has it yielded for those who did it?

The reason I fear doing this is that it is the nuclear option. I hear everyone loud and clear that you firmly believe that it is SINGLE BEST CHOICE but its hard to jump when you can't see the net.

We saved our marriages. That is the result. It is the single most potent weapon in saving your marriage.

and as my now XH said to me once. "it was no longer fun... it became real with all the real life stuff to deal with" IE people knowing he broke one of the top TEN made it harder for him to keep holding his head held high...atleast for awhile

18. I don't know who the OPH/W is, and my parents kinda know, so since its kinda exposed I dont have to.

The partial exposure does not work, and it does not expose anything to anyone. Nuclear exposure is the only way to go.

19. Im just going to wait a little longer, so I can get more evidence, when I think I have enough then I will expose.

Procratstinating the exposure makes it not happen even longer. By the time you are ready to expose, your plan A is all used up and you have no more fight in you. Plan D is in the works.

This is a play off #1...
20. Because my spouse and the affair partner work together and they're going to start "just being friends." My spouse NEEDS this job to support us, so we're going to let them go back to their platonic friendship. There are NO OTHER JOBS in the whole world so we have to endure this.

21. Because my spouse told me everyone already knows.

Wrong! Waywards lie.

#306. Because it's only an EA so far.

Huh? Ya wanna wait until AFTER they've had sex???

Pep!!!
Another Calvin & Hobbes fan!!!!!

(Oh, good post too)

#873 - Because our marriage is different (special).

Well, here is my question. For those that know me and/or my story. I never exposed. Needless to say not much has gotten better. Nevertheless, there are times when I wish that I could, or did.
Someone that I talked to told me that it is too late now. That I should have exposed right away, but now there is a "statute of limitations" or something.
Does anyone agree with that?

Nope...I don't agree with the statues of limitations thing...because your signature line says it all...

Too many other D-Days to remember .

It is going to continue until YOU do something.

committed

IMVHO, there IS a statute of limitations, you aren't there though. Expose this. You will feel badly at first but then you will feel so much better. You will even find out how many people have dealt with infidelity. You will gain A LOT of support.

There are going to be people who tell you that you shouldn't air your WWs dirty laundry. Thank them for their advice and move to the next person.

So, what I am saying is EXPOSE THIS.