Hi all, as MB saved my sanity and my self esteem I thought I'd outline my story. I got so much from this site and others stories that I though it only fair to give something back. Apologies for the long post, you know what it is like.

Living together 17 years, married 9, both 45. My W stays at home, not our decision but hers and something that has caused resentment in the past. I work long hours and bring in a reasonable wage but it's hard financially. One grown up daughter who lives with us.

About 6 months ago my W started on FaceBook (the bane of many a marriage) and I thought nothing of it, even welcomed it as she doesn't go out much and was having a great time connecting to friends in England where we used to live, as well as old school friends here in Ireland. She would occasionaly show me some of the images of people she had reconnected with so I had no fears. Like most BS I thought my wife was affair proof. Among the profiles she showed me was a man who was a friend of her elder brothers 25 years ago and she showed me some of his fishing photos (a hobby of mine) and I gladly identified the fish and what type of angler he was. He was now married with kids and living in the UK. I now know why she showed me (and it won't be any suprise to older hands here on MB what is coming next).

One month ago, on a Sunday morning, she told she was going to meet up with this man (the OP) for a drink as he was over for a visit to Ireland. She then proceeding to "dress up". Alarm bells and claxons went off in my head but I decided to be calm and trusting, to the extent that I even drove her down to the pub where they were meeting up. At home I started to wonder why she had not even invited me in to meet him, and why she had only told me an hour beforehand. I watched her body language over the next week and noticed a distance, a new haircut, new clothes. She had planned to go to England for a week to meet up with old friend (nothing unusual in that) and said that the clothes and haircut were for that.

One week later, 2 days before she was going away, my suspicions got the better of me and so, for the first time ever, I logged on to her FB account. The password was on auto login, to this day I don't know why she was so stupid to do this. Someone here on MB described the moment as an Emotional Heart Attack and I can't think of a better way to describe it. There were messages going back 3 months, outlining an EA. Full of passion and zing and an eloquence I didn't know my W possessed. The real stab in the heart were the messages after they had met f2f the week before. The physical meeting had kicked the EA up a gear and revealed a plan to meet up for a day the following week in England for a PA. They were full of what they were going to do with each other in too much graphic detail for me to handle. I packed a bag and left for a hotel for 2 days where I fell to pieces, completely.

In the hotel I set up a FB account and messaged the OP threatening exposure. My WW texted me threatening and pleading me not to expose. And then a friend rang me, one I can trust, to tell me that there was bad blood between the OPWs family and my WWs family going back 25 years and that exposure would result in a very real chance of physical violence (I've since had this confirmed).

I wish I had found this site at that time but I didn't. I went home and pleaded for explanations, demanded answers, ranted, cried, alost every LB imaginable. WW was still insisting that she was going to go away as planned but wasn't going to see him. I threatened consequences (divorce) if she went. The day before she was planning to go, in the morning while she was in the shower, I looked at her phone messages. The inbox was empty but the sent items was not and she had been texting him the night before on how they were still going to meet and how she needed to get away from me. I flipped, confronted her, left the house with her phone and rang the OP. He tried bargaining, pleading, everything imaginable until I told him his address, post code, year he brought his house, etc (thank you internet). That shut him up.

The WW still went to London and while she was away I found this place - thank you all so much. What you all have written, the advice you have given, the encouragement, humour, for all of it I thank you. I live in her country, not mine, so I have few friens that are not connected to her. She came back to me in Plan A, Credit cards changed, snooping in full (invisible) flow, and a letter for her informing her of the need for NC along with my feelings and a recognition of my own role in the rut our marriage had become. I know they didn't meet. I asked her in the letter to talk to me about NC but she went ahead and did it herself (though it was half hearted and left the door open to him) and he hasn't been in contact. I also know that she is very annoyed I upset her plans to meet him.

I'm now nearly three weeks into Plan A. It's not easy but there are two realisations I want to share with others that are in this situation.

1. The beauty of Plan A is that it is a Plan. It gives you a path, direction in the morass of confusion, direction when your mental compass is spinning wildly.

2. Plan A is for me first, my marriage second, and her last. Though emotionally still in turmoil, I feel better about my myself, am physically fitter and slimmer, have changed most of my bad habits. This was important for me. I am a BH, and because of how society tells us relationships work and traditional gender inculturation, BHs have to get over the damage to our self esteem of being a cuckold. I am not in any way dimishing the impact of EA and PA on BWs, I'm sure there are similar gender specific hurts on top of the already painful ones of betrayal.

Currently, she's in the fog (thanks to MB I know what this means) but there are signs that Plan A is working. I continue to snoop and, while I find things that are hurtful, there is nothing about the A continuing, though I continue to watch. I now know a lot about Aliens and their fog. As for me, I'm using Plan A to decide if I want to stay with her at all. I am wholehearted in Plan A, after all it is giving our M a chance so if it does end I will know I did everything I could.

So, if you are new to this like me I offer you my deepest sympathies and best wishes. Read, act, do, take control, man up. You have nothing to lose by following the advice here and a lot to gain.

Esox

ps I'm expecting to be told off about the exposure thing, it's a tricky one.

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Me BH 45
Her WW 45
Married 9, together 17
D Day 1 8 August 2010
D Day 2 17 August 2010

As long as you are prepared for some 2x4's

Exposure is the FIRST step on recovering your marriage.

My husband wheels never exposed my first EA and 2 months later I found someone else. Wheels luckily found this site and exposed my affairs.

If you do not expose then you will be in a false recovery.

And the first 2x4 goes to ... SapphireReturns (and not the last I suspect).

There has been exposure to our daughter and WWs brother who are on her case. I can't risk physical violence against us (a very real threat in this case) so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm aware this is shielding her from consequences and I am on a tricky path. I feel I've done what I can at this time.


Me BH 45
Her WW 45
Married 9, together 17
D Day 1 8 August 2010
D Day 2 17 August 2010

Who actually told you about the violence?

If you are afraid then get a restraining order for that person.

Because exposure is your only step on recovering, with out...be prepared to be in a false recovery.

What are your plans now?

My knowledge of the real possibility of violence comes from my knowledge of her family history (the causes of a rift between the OPWs family and my WW 20+ years ago) and the OPWs family itself (renowned for sorting problems through violence). This is bolstered by two independent friends who know both families well.
Currently I'm snooping and while there has been no contact at all, I can see from her communications to friends that she is in the classic fog mindset (want excitement, he's controlling, I need to live and breathe freely etc) though this appears to be fading a bit in the last week or two.
I hoping this is withdrawal but am not naive and am keeping an open mind. If I see any further contact I will expose (all is prepared). Unsatisfactory, yes but am at a loss what to do.

I'd like to know a little more about this 'violence' thing you've mentioned. Can you give us more detail on why you think someone's life would be threatened if you expose?

Let me share you another new poster when he was trying to decide if he should expose, he was arguing with us for 2 days...here is what he posted today.....

"What did that take, 2 days? I owe you all a massive apology. I'm sorry and I WAS WRONG.

Then she made a comment about talking to OM on FB until February of next year (apparently she decided this is how long she needs). When I seemed surprised and said I thought it was for 1-2 more weeks, it got ugly and turned into a discussion that just ended (it's 2:30am). Now she is fully talking D, and says she will pursue affair with him if she is D'd, etc. She said again that if he goes, I go. She said smugly that she gets him either way, so she has all the power (meaning if she stays or goes). Then she nicely mentioned that if she stays with me while she talks to him it improves our chances. She also intimated that she is not sure if she could actually physically cheat on me or not (she has always sworn she couldn't).

I feel so stupid. You were all right. I will full expose. She will go ballistic. I admit it, I am scared and weak. I really don't want to do this or go through it. I know you are all right and it is the right thing to do in the long run, but I am already so emotionally drained from working the Carrot of Plan A for 3 months and living in this alone that I just want the comfort of her and I back. I wish I had not said anything tonight so I could've enjoyed one last night - she probably would have cuddled with me. I miss my DW so much (not my WW). My DW shows up sometimes and when she does I realize how very much I miss her. It makes me want to fall apart and do stupid things just to see her once in awhile. I know it's pathetic so please no tough love on this part - I'm just venting feelings. Sometimes its tempting to just keep my mouth shut just to have all those good moments with her.

I will full expose now. We'll see how that interferes with her "I get him either way" attitude. All of a sudden now even getting a D won't get her her fix if OMW and family are watching him like a hawk. On the other hand, she really might D me anyway. She sounded really adamant that she is going to do it either way."

This will happen with you, even if it wont take 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months. Either way THIS WILL HAPPEN!!

Start working on plan A, have you read on that yet? If not read it, and also carrot and the stick to plan A.

Good luck.

Ah, OK. I met my WW 17 years ago just after she left a relationship with a (professionally) violent man involved in criminal activity. His family blamed her for the trouble he was in with the Law (going on the run etc). Here's the rub, the OPW is the niece of that man.
Talk of irony.

Hi Esox! Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. I am confused about the comment above. If the affair is over then what are you finding that is "hurtful?" Has she ended all contact with the OM?

Who is the OM? Is he married and if so, has his wife been informed of the affair?

Thanks Sapph, I'd read that thread. I know, I know, but this is caught up in a horrible family setup.

I have read up on Plan A, changed my habits, no LB (except in the early days, none since), spending time. I can see there is more carrot than stick though.

He is married with 3 or 4 children and no, for the reasons outlined above, I haven't exposed to OPW.
The hurtful comments are things like her chatting to a friend online and saying she has no regrets about her EA, the only regret being I messed up her opportunity to advance it to a PA.

Your job now is to expose, and the first person you need to expose this to is the OMW.

EI,

You're still being too vague and mysterious. Why not spell things out clearly?

Who is going to attack whom in this situation? Is this ex-boyfriend (or is it her ex-husband?) going to beat up your wife for her adultery in his niece's marriage?

Aplogies if I'm not clear on this, I actually didn't intend to share this part of it.

The OPWs family have held a grudge against my WW for near on 20 years to the extent that my WW and the OP even discussed (in their FB messages) the repercussions of what would happen if anyone found out (i.e. my WW would have to leave the country). In fact this danger only seemed to make the EA more exciting IMO. The ex-boyfriend from that time is no longer around, rather it is the OPWs family (brothers) who are to be worried about as a) they know my wife and b) would like nothing better than to have an excuse to right a perceived wrong from many years ago.

I am not being dramatic here. If the OPWs family find out that the OP was having any kind of affair with my WW they would go ballistic and that would more than likely take the form of violence against him and my WW.

Uh-huh. So what you're saying here is that your WW is chasing the husband of her ex's niece, correct? The same ex whose family has bad memories of your WW and blames her for her ex's criminal troubles?? And you don't think this is dangerous for your WW????

Esox, if this is the case, that you feel this family/ex is dangerous, then the real and present danger is against your WW if she continues to pursue this guy! Do you see this??

You may want to consider legal advice for this situation. But if you are unwilling/unable to expose, I would suggest you pack up your family (including your WW, who may be in danger) and immediately high-tail it to a safe place. Don't tell anyone where you are going and don't give your WW access to any communications devices.

Waywards always think that the betrayed spouse will put up with anything just to keep them around, so why should they stop the fun of the affair?

Plan B yanks the rug out from under this real fast. That's one reason why it's so important.

You see my dilemma. I cannot expose to the OPW which is hindering my Plan A. ATM there is no contact between them, he appears to have been freaked out when I quoted his full address and contact details of his wife to him down the phone. I "think" the risk of exposure has killed the EA but I cannot go through with full exposure. My WW has not contacted him since she came back from England (though she had done a little of looking up photos of him) and he is silent.
To my knowledge he is under no suspicion at home so all I can hope is that it stays that way.
These weird circumstances are what I have lived with for the last month, all I can hope is that the seriousness of the potential consequences has done enough to stop the A.
BTW, for clarity it is the OPWs family that are the risk, not the ex.

You are making a huge mistake by not exposing it and let me explain why. You are kidding yourself if you think she won't find out. They always do. It might be 2 weeks or 1 year, but she will find out. It is the very rare betrayed wife who does not sense something wrong and start sleuthing.

If there is violence, it is much likely to happen when she finds out on her own versus finding out from you. If you tell her, then you have a chance to keep a lid on it and persuade her and her family to do nothing.

Keeping this a secret like this only ensures the affair will continue. That door is always open this way. Cheaters are very sloppy and IT WILL COME OUT.

By exposing the affair to the OMW yourself, you effectively put an end to the affair AND you have some control over backlash.

Keeping it secret is the greater risk, because you will have no control when it comes out and your secrecy greatly increases the risk of resumption.

And lastly, protecting your wife from the consequences of her actions is harmful to her and your marriage. What will be next if she doesn't learn from her mistakes? You are not helping her or anyone else by protecting her from the consequences of her actions. How insane is it to purposely RISK violence by messing with a married man? That is downright certifiable. If that type of risky behavior is not corrected, what is your future?

You see, I doubt that your wife fears an attack from her ex. If she really knew that he would attack her for hurting a member of his family, she would never have got involved with that family at all.

It's funny that her fear of attack did not keep her from making an attack more likely. It is odd that she did not fear violence enough to avoid an affair, but fears it now that you know about it.

I think that she set her (your) friends up to contact you about this possible violence. How odd that they should both ring you to tell you not to expose because of it. That is not normally what friends would do. Your wife arranged this with them.

I speak as a BW who was duped by the suicide emails from my H's OW to him, when my H finally gave up his job which involved travel to Belgium, where she lives. When she realised that my H was not even going to keep her as the bit on the side that she had been for 3.5 years, she wrote to him with her suicide plans. in these notes, she told him that her H had found out and was kicking her out of the house. Belgium is a "fault" country, she said (which is not true; it is "no fault", which means an equal split of the marital assets on divorce) and she was at the point of losing her lovely 5 bedroomed home, holiday home, pension share, maintenance and three cars, and she was being disowned by her children (18 and 21).

When the EA continued for another 6 months after my H stopped travelling, I finally found these forums and contacted her H to tell him that despite his obvious wish to keep his marriage together (since he had not thrown her out, as she said he would) his wife was still contacting my H on the phone at work. I decided that the suicide risk had gone down, and I could see from these forums that exposure to her H was the only way to end her secretive involvement in my marriage.

That's when I discovered that her H had never known anything about the affair. The stories of kicking her out, losing assets etc were all invented to keep up the pressure on my H. OW was convinced that as our kids were growing older, all H needed was a little pressure to leave me for her.

You've been had, mate, just as I was.

MelodyLane, you're right. The door is left open either for the OP or a new OP but it's hard to bring the risk of violence onto my own family.

Sugarcane, it's a possibility but I trust my sources on this one (especially as one source was from their "secret messages" and another from a friend who doesn't know about the A)

Quit being such a drama queen. Your WW's affair won't end until you expose to OMW. If ANYONE needs to be afraid of ANY physical repercussions, it's OM, not your WW. Just expose already. You are not going to risk Bloody Sunday by exposing. YOU are in YOUR OWN FOG. You have bought into what WW and OM are telling you. You or your WW are NOT going to be phsyically harmed, so quit being so soft on this.

The benefit of exposing now is it provides you a measure of control. You can take precautions because you KNOW when the other family will find out, you can prepare accordingly. Get the police number on speed dial. If necessary plan a trip for the time of exposure and get out of town for a few days until calm arrives.

If there are ANY threats made, ANY contact from the other family, immediately file a restraining order.

Because YOU controlled the flow of information you can work to mitigate the fallout should it escalate to abuse. You can be prepared.

You do it your way - and don't expose.... you will always be looking over your shoulder, waiting for the day OMW finds out on her own - and she WILL find out. At that point you will have less control and less ability to stop an escalation.

You expose to OMW NOW you can maintain some control over the situation.

You wait - and you are at the mercy of the fates.

p.s. you won't know WHEN the OMW finds out if you don't expose and won't be able to take cover. If you do expose, you can take steps to protect your wife.

I would also add that what your wife has done to this OMW and you is as bad as physical assault or rape. I want to keep that in perspective.

Your wife is not the victim here, she is the RAPIST. And the most important thing is protecting her victims. Your wife ASKED for this, her victims did not. They dont' deserve to be harmed, your wife DOES. She willingly took this risk with her eyes open.

I agree. It is a ruse to keep him away. If the risk was real, then why aren't the adulterers concerned about it? They were not concerned about it, so why should you be concerned?

Also,

I've got a bridge to sell you if you think the affair didn't already go physical when he came to visit.

A well aimed and potentially accurate 2x4. Small correction though, they didn't tell me about the potential trouble, I found out most of that through my snooping.
As for Fog, probably. Possibly made a bit thicker by no evidence of contact between them and also improved relationship at home.

*LINK* to "war room" for a betrayed husband

Uh oh, didn't think of that one but the messages post the meeting were all about what they were going to do when they next met, and regret about not kissing when they did.

Now, about that bridge...

Does anyone else feel like we will be arguing with esox till he finds out that he is wrong for not exposing?? Just like humble did?

Esox, if you don't expose

THEN YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO RECOVER.....


SIMPLE AS THAT!!!

TAKE IT

OR

LEAVE IT!

I've been had with that one too, Exos!

I found all the contact details I needed within a week of D Day, but hung onto them for nearly two years, until I found this forum, as I said.

During that time, I rang OW on both her mobile phone numbers. When she refused to speak to me on one, I rang her on the other and left a message, quoting her home landline number. I said that if I didn't hear from her, I would ring the landline and leave a message there. Of course, that meant her H or kids could receive it.

She freaked out and rang me. She promised that she would never contact my H, saying that she had already left Belgium anyway for a new job in Luxembourg, that my H had made it clear that he wanted me and she accepted that, that the affair was OVER.

She then continued to contact my H at work and beg him to travel again. I had a hard job getting him to confess this contact, and it only ended when I ended the secrecy that she was enjoying, by finally contacting her H.

I only realised that I had given this woman carte blanche to have sex with my H because I colluded with her. I told myself, and her, that I was too decent to hurt her innocent H and kids by contacting them. I only wanted her to stay out of my marriage. She promised that she would.

I had her H's contact details for nearly two years, as I told you. I let the affair continue for those two years, through about 6 D Days. As the affair took place only when he was abroad for work, it was impossible for me to detect. After D Day, he left his work-supplied mobile phone in the office, so I could not see the sex messages being sent both ways every day. We had no computer or internet in the house during those years, so there was no opportunity for snooping. She never called our landline during the entire affair. The affair was conducted using workplace resources and physically while he was abroad. It was easy for him to gaslight me and tell me it was all over.

Again; you've been had, mate. Worse; you're accepting sloppy seconds, because you know the affair is continuing and you are gobbling up this man's leftovers because you are afraid.


Are you prepared to stand up for your children, if not yourself?

Having read the messages (before they knew I knew) they were concerned about this risk but that seemed to add to the excitement. The words "forbidden fruit" and "Eve in the garden" were written.

I read the humble thread before and was saddened to see it just cut off. I'm a little ashamed to be in the same boat.

BTW that's 2 very well aimed 2x4s from you Sapph, I suspect they were well needed.

I LOVE THIS!!! This is a PERFECT example TY soo much for posting this!

I am sorry to be harsh and blunt, most of my posts are like that, I love all the explaining and such, but we have other people that do that, and they are very good at explaining.

I just say it as it is....

EXPOSURE is defending the castle !


When you EXPOSE the ADULTERY .... YOU are defending your castle boundary.

Yes, you are in a fog if your standards are so low that you think this defines an "improved" relationship:


As long as you keep her secret for her [enabling] she has a chance to go back and fulfill her dream of a PA.

See, just ending contact - for now - does not mean this is over. It means she is just as foggy and will either resume this affair or go onto the next. She will still be foggy and engrossed in the fantasy because affairs thrive on secrecy. By keeping her affair a secret, you fuel her fantasy.


And of equal importance is the immorality of not telling her other victim, the OM's wife. The OMW can't very well protect herself from your wife and her H if she doesn't know. They are free to continually stab her in the back. Your wife is FREE to continue to pursue a PA with her husband.

Esox hangs his head in shame

It is also clear they were not in FEAR of their lives. They were merely excited about fooling others. Again, they are not afraid, why are you? The OM knows this family better than your W and you. He is not afraid.

I'm beginning to think you're here because you enjoy the intellectual debate, not because you are in a desperate fight for your marriage. You're actually joking about this, with the "bridge" comment. I can assure you that nobody is joking with you about how spineless you are being, and what the consequences will be.

I went to OWH because, while I was more than happy to ditch to my own immoral, gutless adulterer of a husband, I would not let an outsider (OW) push me into that decision because she would not stop contacting my H. I would not let actions her force to me remove my children's father from their home. I would give my life for my children, and in your position I would certainly risk a beating (from whomever to whomever) to give them the chance of keeping their family intact and their mother at home.

You might be enjoying bantering here on your thread but your cowardliness concerning your children shocks me.

You're like a judge at a debate between teams. "A Well-aimed 2x4 there, Sapphire." "Good point, Melody Lane!" "Nice one, SugarCane!"

Shame on you for acting this way when your children's family life is at risk. All I can say is, I never found my H's affair to be a game that I was willing to play.

Be under no illusion about how seriously I'm taking this. This broke me, shattered me, and now I'm trying to make sense and sort it out. I am also trying to protect my family in the best way I can figure out.
If I come across intellectual, I'm not apologising, it's my job to be an intellectual.
I'm here like we all are or were. To get help and to help, to talk and to share. A cowards way out would have been to leave but I'm still here, and listening.

And if I'm writing vain attempts at humour, it is only a vain attempt at sanity. Like most BSs here, I've been to hell and back. Add in this [censored] situation with families at war (that I haven't seen much of on the forums before) and perhaps I can be forgiven for bad jokes and poor justifications.

I didn't say that you "come across intellectual", so don't brag about being an intellectual. I said that I think you are here because you enjoy the intellectual debate; quite a different assertion.

It takes no courage to post on an anonymous internet forum. It takes no courage to enable an affair by helping the affairees hide their dirty deed.

If you are not going to take our advice, then why are you here? You have read other threads so you know what the advice will be. There are so many people here who need help and are sincere about saving their marriages so this only serves as a distraction.

Now that makes sense.

You're missing an important point, here - you haven't brought anything onto your family. Your WW has. It's too late to worry about that now. She's already done it.

Have you ever watched the movie "Zombieland"? Do you know what the #2 rule of Zombieland was? Double tap. I don't care if you think you killed the affair without exposure. You need to pop a bullet in the head of this affair just to make certain it doesn't come chasing after you again. Exposure is that bullet. Use it. Finish it off for good.