My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, and we have 4 boys. Six months ago I gave birth to our 4th child and got a positive HIV test. After initially lying about it, my husband then had to confess he had had 3 affairs, one long term, so that we could get our newborn treatment. At first (about 2 weeks) he was very sorry and willing to do anything to make things right. However, now he is back to his old ways - hiding his phone and emails, staying out late and not telling me where he is, drinking, not helping with the kids, being mean and hateful to everyone. He also has an issue with pornography. He told me this weekend that he is tired of "relationship drama" and wants a divorce. I have tried everything, but he refuses to go to counseling with me or even wear his wedding ring. I feel lost and confused and desperate. I have no idea what to do. I don't want a divorce. I still love him despite everything. And I don't know how I will care for 4 kids and myself with this sickness. Please - any advice is greatly appreciated.
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, and we have 4 boys. Six months ago I gave birth to our 4th child and got a positive HIV test. After initially lying about it, my husband then had to confess he had had 3 affairs, one long term, so that we could get our newborn treatment. At first (about 2 weeks) he was very sorry and willing to do anything to make things right. However, now he is back to his old ways - hiding his phone and emails, staying out late and not telling me where he is, drinking, not helping with the kids, being mean and hateful to everyone. He also has an issue with pornography. He told me this weekend that he is tired of "relationship drama" and wants a divorce. I have tried everything, but he refuses to go to counseling with me or even wear his wedding ring. I feel lost and confused and desperate. I have no idea what to do. I don't want a divorce. I still love him despite everything. And I don't know how I will care for 4 kids and myself with this sickness. Please - any advice is greatly appreciated.
This man gave you and potentially your child a deadly illness and you don't want to divorce him?
Not only would I divorce him, I would press charges on him and throw his @ss in jail for what he did to you. Get away from this abusive monster. He has NO remorse for what he's done to you, and will continue to abuse you. You choose your life mate very poorly. It's time to do yourself and your children a favor by getting away from this EVIL man.
I feel like I know what I need to do but don't have the strength to do it. The situation is miserable, and I feel pathetic. He will not speak to me and only seems to have hatred for everyone at home. I don't understand why he doesn't just leave. He said he ended the affair right after the baby was born, but with his behavior lately, I don't know. I just do not know how I am going to be able to get through a divorce and deal with caring for 4 kids, especially with the baby already experiencing health issues.
ksiril, I'm usually loathe to recommend divorce.
However, IMVHO, the utterly egregious nature of your wayward husband's behavior mandates you get you and your children away from him. If an HIV diagnosis did not shake him out of his wayward nature, I honestly don't know what would. I thought I didn't put anything past a wayward, but this shocks even me.
If you are absolutely unable to decide to divorce him, you may try a brief Plan A, followed by a pitch black Plan B. (Read
here.) That way you are protected from his actions against you, your love bank balance for him is safeguarded, and you have a chance to breathe, center yourself, and start to think about what you want your life to look like...with or without your wayward husband.
Please, protect yourself and your children.
I feel like I know what I need to do but don't have the strength to do it. The situation is miserable, and I feel pathetic. He will not speak to me and only seems to have hatred for everyone at home. I don't understand why he doesn't just leave. He said he ended the affair right after the baby was born, but with his behavior lately, I don't know. I just do not know how I am going to be able to get through a divorce and deal with caring for 4 kids, especially with the baby already experiencing health issues.
ksiril, I am sorry, but I would bet good money that he is still actively in an affair. Please, if you can, spend some time reading here. Knowledge is power. Waywards are pretty much cookie cutter - saying he ended the affair, anger at everyone at home (that ruin his affair fantasy or remind him on some level of what he's doing = destroying his family), etc.
Knowing what you're facing may help calm you, and it may help you formulate a plan.
How do I go about exposing this? I wouldn't want people to know about the HIV and we have children involved. We are both college professors (he is a dept. chair) and my husband is actually very well-known in our small town (where everyone knows everyone). It gets more complicated...my oldest son plays select baseball and the woman he had an affair with is a mom on another team. Exposing this to one person in the baseball community would basically expose it to everyone, which I'm afraid would look badly on my son. Currently, my mother knows, he confessed to his family, and a few of my very close friends know. I have contacted the other woman so she knows that I know, but her husband has no idea.
ksiril, I would strongly suggest you expose the affair everywhere, starting with the OW's husband. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. He is very wayward and keeping his affairs a secret only serves to enable him. If his affair is exposed everywhere, it will likely die.
I would tell your children all about his affairs. If you don't tell them, he will tell them lies and teach them that wrong is right. They desperately need your moral guidance. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. Your H needs to answer some hard questions from your kids about why he would ruin their family for some skanky STD ho. If that doens't wake him up, nothing will.
You have a big mess on your hands and the only hope I see in your situation is a nuclear exposure. Keeping his secret for him only serves to enable him. That will ruin your H's affair and help him learn a lesson when others are watching him.
How do I go about exposing this? I wouldn't want people to know about the HIV and we have children involved.
Start by exposing the affair to the OW's H and any other hubands of women he has had affairs with. From there I would expose to your children. Next will be:
1. family members
2. close friends
3. employer
4. the OW's parents and family members [look on her facebook acct]
Do the exposure without forewarning and ask each of them to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair. Ask for their advice.
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
Dr. Harley on telling the children:
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
You need to expose this simply for the fact that people have and are being possibly unknowingly exposed to a deadly illness.
Why would it reflect poorly on your son that his father is running around cheating on his wife? That reflects solely on your husband.
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, and we have 4 boys. Six months ago I gave birth to our 4th child and got a positive HIV test
ksriril, here is the main reason you have to expose to everyone. There are probably others out there who have contracted HIV from your H. It would be profoundly immoral to keep his secrets for him. He is a menace to other people in your community and they need to know so they can protect themselves from him.
If you don't stop your H from this destructive behavior you will be just as culpable as him, I am sorry to say.
Does the OW have HIV too?
We told her about the test results and that she should get tested too. He says he got it from her though. She said she would get tested and was so worried about our baby. She kept contacting him about it, so I told her if she didn't stop, I would forward all their sexually explicit emails to her husband. She got mad, threatened to sue me for defamation of character, filed a police report on me, and hasn't contacted me since.
I guess I am just scared about the fallout of exposing it all.
I guess I am just scared about the fallout of exposing it all.
Thats ok. We are all scared before we do it but you will lose if you allow fear to be your driving force instead of tried and true tactics. Exposure is the best thing for your H, the OW, and your community. Mold does not grow well in sunlight. I don't know if your marriage can be saved, but exposure gives you the best shot.
What I am having the hardest time with is how he seemed like he was trying and willing to make an effort, but now he has totally flipped. He won't speak to me at all, just sits in his recliner with a miserable look on his face like he hates the world. He interacts with the older kids minimally, basically just taking them to their sports practices since he coaches, but he will have nothing to do with the baby whatsoever. I don't understand the hatred. I don't get what I did to make him so angry at me. I'm not the one who had multiple affairs and got us infected!
ksiril, you've got a great guide in MelodyLane. Please listen to her advice.
I will second (third, at this point) the fact that exposure is required for the public health reasons alone.
What I am having the hardest time with is how he seemed like he was trying and willing to make an effort, but now he has totally flipped.
It means that he is still in contact with his OW and in order to justify his affair, he has to demonize you.
Now, are you ready to get to work here?
This man gave you and potentially your child a deadly illness and you don't want to divorce him?
Not only would I divorce him, I would press charges on him and throw his @ss in jail for what he did to you.
Jail is too good for him. In jail he can't earn any income to pay his victims (his wife and children) for what he did.
We told her about the test results and that she should get tested too. He says he got it from her though. She said she would get tested and was so worried about our baby. She kept contacting him about it, so I told her if she didn't stop, I would forward all their sexually explicit emails to her husband. She got mad, threatened to sue me for defamation of character, filed a police report on me, and hasn't contacted me since.
Press charges on OW for exposing you and your husband to HIV. She can't sue you for something that is true, and she can't get the police involved for harassment as long as she is the one contacting your husband. You need to get with a lawyer and find out your rights. You could sue.
And your husband was acting nice because he was doing the bare minimum to keep you around. Once he felt he accompished that, he's back to doing the same thing he did before. You see, he wants access to his children and he doesn't want to lose half his assets and income, so he'll give you just enough to keep you around. He's a manipulator and a horrible human being. I can't even fathom why you would still want to be with this person, why you would want your children around this horrible example. Do you want them to turn out like him. He's a monster. He gives his wife and child a life-threatening disease and he doesn't even show remorse or change his behavior. This man is EVIL. I know you can't see it right now, but you will be much better off without him.
Have you told your family? Do you have a brother? If I found out that some guy did this to my sister, I'd put him in the hospital, and the only reason I would stop there is because I wouldn't want to go to jail for too long. You need to tell your family so that you have a support group to help you leave this awful man.
ksiril
I'm very sorry to hear about this devestating news. I agree with everyone else that you need to divorce but for other reasons in addition to the ones stated. HIV is very difficult for a man to contract if he is engaging in normal vaginal sex, see the CDC website. The primary means of transmission is receiving anal sex or intravenous drug use. In other words he isn't just engaging in a run of the mill affair, he's engaging in other more dangerous behaviours. He's either homosexual or bisexual or shooting dope. Either way you need to run for the hills. Again, I'm very sorry.
Yes, this man gave you and your kid HIV and shows no remorse.
This is the type of people you can have very little hope for.
I know you love him and it is hard to realize how low he is, but at least rationally, can you see him for what he is?
You need to be apart from him. He will only continue to hurt you.
Blessing
Yes, I am ready to get to work. He has manipulated me for so long that I cannot believe anything he says. All he shows is hate towards me. I just need to learn to accept this though. I have an appt. with a lawyer on Friday.
Everything you are saying is right. I don't have any siblings. Only my mom and dad who are supportive but don't know the whole story. He has a very large family though, and some of them know, but I don't know how they will react once I really start divorce proceedings. Ultimately, they are HIS family, so I don't know how much I'll be able to count on them for support.
How should I go about telling the OW's husband?
How should I go about telling the OW's husband?
So sorry that you are here and that this horrible thing has happened to you.
You need to pick up the phone and call OWH immediately! Since your WH has had multiple affairs there is a chance the HIV did not come from this OW and maybe your WH passed it to her. If that's the case the OWH may be in imminent danger of getting the disease himself. He needs to know about all of this and he needs to know NOW!!! You could literally be saving this poor man's life! Of course, he may already know about it or even have HIV himself but you cannot know that unless you talk to him yourself.
Exposure is a powerful step toward trying to save a marriage. In your case, exposure could save somebody's life as well. You must do this and you must do this now. Pick up that phone. You can do this.
Everything you are saying is right. I don't have any siblings. Only my mom and dad who are supportive but don't know the whole story. He has a very large family though, and some of them know, but I don't know how they will react once I really start divorce proceedings. Ultimately, they are HIS family, so I don't know how much I'll be able to count on them for support.
How should I go about telling the OW's husband?
I would do this in a strategic manner so you get the best effect and don't give them a chance to pre-empt you. Make up a list of all targets and call them in ONE DAY. This way it hits the affairees at once and prevents them from pre-empting you.
Make up a list and sit down and start calling. Make the list in this order:
1. OW's husband
2. your h's parents, close sibs and cousins [even those you think already "know" - get the true story to them
Tell them about the affairs, the HIV, and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask them to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair. If anyone says "ok, I will keep this a secret!" tell them nononono!! Affairs thrive on secrecy so that is what you don't want.
3. the OW's family - find her parents and other family members from facebook. Send them a private message telling them about the affair and asking for their help. Ask her parents to call you
4. Tell your older kids today about the affair. Explain to them what their dad is doing and why this is wrong
If your H calls during your exposure, don't answer the phone.
ksiril, be prepared for your H to become furious when he finds out you have exposed him. He will say the craziest most inane things like "I was going to work on the marriage, now I'm not" "how could you be so mean to the OW!!" blah, blah, blah, blah.... It will be really funny and very typical. The hard part will not to LAUGH. If you feel like laughing, I strongly suggest you leave the room.
And don't worry about his anger. Just liken it to taking the car keys away from a falling down drunk. He says all sorts of crazy things but it is meaningless. The same with your H. He is just a crazy, falling down drunk who is high on his affair and his creepy lifestyle.
ksiril, I don't have advice to add, but I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry. I know you must be hurting, and I just said a prayer for you.
Yes, I am ready to get to work. He has manipulated me for so long that I cannot believe anything he says. All he shows is hate towards me. I just need to learn to accept this though. I have an appt. with a lawyer on Friday.
When you speak with the lawyer, make sure to talk about possibly suing or pressing charges on the OW and/or your WH. People who knowingly have a dangerous infectious disease and take no precautions to keep from spreading it are violating the law and putting lives at risk. I would strongly suggest you get your lawyer to start helping you build a case against the OW and take it to the authorities.
Thank you so much for all of the advice. I feel stronger today. He just texted me and said he was moving out next week, that he had nothing left for me, and that he wasn't going to spend what's left of his life answering to anyone. He also said I could have the kids and he wants nothing to do with them. It's despicable.
Did you contact OW's husband yet?
Sorry you are going through this. Many here have lived the same pain. You will get lots of help and advice here.
Oh...by the way....did you contat OW's husband yet?
Have you followed our advice and exposed the affair, ksiril?
What your H said was designed to get you off his back and leave him alone while he has his affair.
Thank you so much for all of the advice. I feel stronger today. He just texted me and said he was moving out next week, that he had nothing left for me, and that he wasn't going to spend what's left of his life answering to anyone. He also said I could have the kids and he wants nothing to do with them. It's despicable.
He should spent what's left of his life behind bars where he belongs. Don't take mercy on this POS or he will infect others.
Have you followed our advice and exposed the affair, ksiril?
What your H said was designed to get you off his back and leave him alone while he has his affair.
Honestly, why are you still giving this woman marriage saving advice? Her WH has given her and her child HIV and shown no remorse, continuing to fool around on her. He needs to be locked up so he can't infect others. Would you affair busting advice a woman who has been taking daily beating from her WH or would you just tell her to remove herself from this abusive relationship? Personally, I think giving someone HIV without any remorse is worse than physical abuse.
I read your story last night and cried, this is soo sad by far the worst thing I have ever read!
When are you going to expose?
Have you followed our advice and exposed the affair, ksiril?
What your H said was designed to get you off his back and leave him alone while he has his affair.
Honestly, why are you still giving this woman marriage saving advice? Her WH has given her and her child HIV and shown no remorse, continuing to fool around on her. He needs to be locked up so he can't infect others. Would you affair busting advice a woman who has been taking daily beating from her WH or would you just tell her to remove herself from this abusive relationship? Personally, I think giving someone HIV without any remorse is worse than physical abuse.
What ARE you talking about? His affairs and his HIV should be exposed wide and far so that others can protect themselves from him. And of course a woman who was being BEATEN should expose the affair. The more people who know, the more people who can hold him accountable.
Keeping his affair and his HIV only serves to enable him. Surely you aren't suggesting she HIDE his affair/HIV? If you are, then you are not helping her situation.
Have you followed our advice and exposed the affair, ksiril?
What your H said was designed to get you off his back and leave him alone while he has his affair.
Honestly, why are you still giving this woman marriage saving advice?
Well, she did come here looking for help to save the marriage.
And the truth is, the steps at the beginning are the same whether your goal is to save the marriage or to get out responsibly. Dr. Harley's plans lead either to a recovered marriage full of romantic love OR to a decent end to the marriage with specific knowledge of WHO did not do WHAT that could have saved it. With this knowledge, a lot of people who would otherwise have wanted to save the knowledge will at least feel secure knowing that they did everything possible on their end.
Your husband is a criminal. If you are afraid of his abuse, go to a shelter and get the police involved.
If you still want to be married to this abuser who abuses, cheats on you, and gave you HIV which is a death sentence, then you are not valuing yourself or your life in any way and need supportive counseling to see;
1. Why you picked this criminal to have children with
2. Why you still want to stay with an abuser
3. Why you did not leave after the first year of his abuse
Please get help for you and the children. Do not stick with this abusive man.
Do you have anyone where you are who can help and support you? I am trying to imagine how I would feel....H having an A, being diagnosed with HIV, knowing my child has HIV, feeling overwhelmed by it all, trying to digest tons of new and intense information while feeling this sense of "urgency" about everything. I cannot imagine. Just know that someone in cyberland is lifting you up and praying that in addition to all the "action now" you are sifting through, there is also a place where you can find comfort and healing and a shoulder of compassionate empathy.
Just wanted to post and check up on ya...
Hope the exposing is going well
Good morning. This is your third day here...about 72 hours, and I know your head is probably spinning. How are you feeling today? Are you sleeping? Eating? How is your baby doing? I know there is a lot to deal with and process. I have a friend who is a grief counselor, and I remember after our D-Day she helped my BH and me a lot, reminding us that processing this kind of blow does take time for most emotionally normal people. Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Your first priorities by leaps and bounds are you and your children.
Hello, I've been away for a few days because my doctor admitted me to the hospital for some tests. So no, I have not gone through with exposure or anything else. My husband has been going back and forth. When I was in the hospital today, he was actually texting me that he wanted to stay and make it work and he picks fights with me so he can stay away because that's easier than facing what he did. Well, tonight he went out with a friend and didn't tell me anything; I heard from a friend of mine. When he got home about an hour ago, I calmly told him I would have liked for him to let me know where he was. Then he blew up, said he wouldn't answer to me, called me all kinds of names, packed his things, and left. Right now, he is texting me that he is officially done.
I am overwhelmed. I appreciate everyone's kind words. But I feel like I am about to lose it completely. I have no idea what to tell my kids when they wake up, and with the new news about my health, I don't even know how I'm going to be able to take care of myself or my kids, much less fight with him, expose people, or go through a nasty divorce. I feel like there is no way that I will make it through this.
Not only will you make it through this, you'll be better off without this abuser. Trust me. Get yourself a GOOD, BULLDOG ATTORNEY, and your POSWH will be funneling most of all his income to you. If I were you, I would talk to your lawyer about getting a restraining order against your WH, divorcing him, and suing him and OW for infecting you. I would also investigate if criminal charges can be filed. It's time you take the gloves off with your WH instead of just letting him continue to bully you around.
I am overwhelmed. I appreciate everyone's kind words. But I feel like I am about to lose it completely. I have no idea what to tell my kids when they wake up, and with the new news about my health, I don't even know how I'm going to be able to take care of myself or my kids, much less fight with him, expose people, or go through a nasty divorce. I feel like there is no way that I will make it through this.
Your H is dangerous, ksiril. Change your locks and send him a plan B letter. Get yourself an attorney first thing on Monday.
And over this weekend, expose his affairs/HIV everywhere so he is not a danger to others.
Do you have someone there who can support you? What about your mother? Can she come and stay with you and help you out?
You are doing a huge disservice to other women and potentially children if you don't totally expose your HIV cheating husband.
As a mom and health professional I am so saddened for you and your precious children and maddened beyond belief.
To other MB'ers, stop beating this woman up any more than she already has been! She needs advice and some love right now. We can give her toughness AND support!
Ksiril, Immediately get YOURSELF and other kids tested as you cannot believe the words of the WS and it could have gone on much longer.
Please also know that NOTHING your WH has done will negatively affect you or your precious kids. This is his baby to rock. His and OW.
Nuclear exposure. Totally. This might be one situation where he might have to just deal with it. I could care less what he does for a living. My ex was rather well known and ceo of a company and I did nuclear exposure. It doesn't matter and it doesn't reflect on us. It is ON THEM.
Right now you need to follow the carrot and stick of plan A and B. That is what I tell everybody to do and what I did. Many marriages survive here, many don't. But becoming as loving tough a wife and mom as you can will carry you through no matter whatever your outcome is.
There are laws on the books now about spreading hiv to others if you have knowledge of your disease and do nothing to prevent the deliberate transmission of it. Your H has harmed your baby to no end, and it is so frightening to read your words.
OW's husband needs to know, not only because of the ema, but because his life is on the line ok? And maybe any young kids she has.
If this is what your WH wants to do, let him do it! But STILL DO THE NUCLEAR EXPOSURE. It is for the safety of others. And for him to know you mean business.
What is the man going to do? Just hide his head in the sand and move away? Forget he has children even more than he already did?
Please seek the love of family and friends right now too. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. But you need to surround yourself with positive family and friends. MB friends also helped me tremendously when we went through what I call now my "trial by fire".
Do retain an attorney and ask about getting a separation agreement immediately and also inquire about having a lawsuit filed against the ow due to her knowing she had Hiv and transmitting it to others. She has endangered many lives. And that is truly reckless behavior and criminal behavior too. Your H is behaving as a spoiled child, and he needs to realize no matter what he decides to do, he has a family that he must financially provide for, and a beautiful child who will have special medical needs all their life because of his horrible affair.
Let's support her here! She needs SUPPORT and knowledge about what to do now!
She just found out. Didn't any of you remember how that felt? I sure did and was totally confused.
Sure the situation is severe, but I think that means she needs 100 percent more support right now so she remains safe, her kis are safe, and she finds a plan to stick to in order to get her thru this situation.