Hi there, even though I am new to the forum, I have done a lot of reading on Dr.Harvey's topics.

I have been knowing a colleague for over e yera now and never thought of him as someone I could like,bceause married men are ''off limits'' according to me...I've grown to know him oevr this last year (e-mails, visits to office, text msg)and I kind of like him, but never thought about acting on that..

However, during my last visit of the breanch of our office a month ago (he lives/works in another town) there were events involving going out at night & he expressed how he wanted to take things ''further''....Of course, I refused and did not alow him to come to my room.There was no physical contact,but it was not easy to resist either.
Ever since I left, he's been offering to come pick me up to stay for the weekend in one of his appartments, or to come stay over in my town, but I have refused all the time...The thing is, even though I know all of this is wrong, I still like him and feel attracted to him & am scared I might fall for him. He calles me daily, texts me with 10-20msgs ( of course, I reply, of which I am guilty)...

He says his marriage is not good (but I know they all do whan they want to get someone into bed) but I feel trmendous guilt to be caught up in this situation.
I told him he should sort out his life and then call me if he still likes me. He says he's in love with me, but I am affraid he might be just infatuated and loves the thrill of the chase, i.e. the fact that i did not give in when tempted...

How do I get out of this mess...I tried to tell him no contact until he sorts himself out, but only lasted for 3 days after which he e-mailed and said he does not understand why can we not have reasonable conversations...
I said ok, we can have limited contacts as friends, but he should not tell me how he feels or push me to arrange to meet him.....I am just scared that this tactic iw wrong, as conversation leads to emotional bonding...
It doesn't help that I miss him, too if I don't hear from him for more than a day....
I know it's a stupid, childish mess and it's obvious what's the right thing to do, but it's easier said than done
Anyone been in this situation?

His name is Dr HARLEY, Anita.

Welcome to MB. I'm glad that you are here seeking help, rather than pursuing this affair.

What is your own situation? Are you married yourself? How old are you? Please give us details of your own situation.

Be honest with yourself, Anita. if you wanted this pursuit to end, you would have ended it.

You are flattered by the attention you are receiving. It boosts your ego and makes you think that you must be special. However, it shouldn't. This MM sees something in you that tells him that he will be able to buy you a few drinks, perhaps take you to dinner, send a few flattering emails and then use your body. He doesn't think highly of you if he thinks he can use you like that; he is banking on the hope that you are a woman with no self-respect who will settle for the scraps from under his wife's table. I hope that you are NOT that kind of woman. You are not a stray dog, or a cockroach, are you? They feed off other creatures' scraps. Is that kind of life what you want for yourself? Make a decision for yourself that you are not that kind of woman.

He is still with his wife because he knows she is precious, and he wants to maintain the love and care that she gives him. However, he wants a bit of free snatch, too, and he thinks you are the woman who will give him some. He doesn't respect you and you should find this insulting.

Your telling MM to "sort out his life and then call me if he still likes me" is not good enough. Are you encouraging him to divorce his wife? Do you think that is a moral thing to do? If he does leave her, would you really be happy entering a relationship with a man who could act like that?

This is much more than "a stupid childish mess". This is activity that risks breaking up a marriage and devastating a wife and child. You can easily stop yourself from crawling into that cesspit right now. All you need to do is find your self-respect.

Find out how to contact this man's wife and then write to her, explaining how her husband has been pursuing you. Offer to send her copies of the text messages and emails if she would like to see them. Promise to stay NC with her H.

At the same time, write to Human Resources and say that this colleague is giving you unwanted attention and you would like them to intervene.

Both those actions will stop this affair dead. It's really not hard.

Are you in Europe? I am in England.

Anita,
Be honest with yourself. Do you really want a relationship with a man who runs around behind his wife's back and cheats on her? Do not think you are special in the sense that he would cheat on his wife with you but then NOT cheat on you too. It doesn't work like that. If you allow this man to keep pursuing you, you will ultimately be back here complaining about how he cheated on you, but you may also have the added weight on your conscience of breaking up his marriage and harming his children.

Right now you are playing with fire by trying to allow him to still have "reasonable contact" with you. You know he is going to keep trying to get you into bed and if you let this go on, eventually he will succeed. If you actually want to stop this and are not just "blowing smoke", contact his wife. If you aren't strong enough to break the addiction to his attention on your own, enlist her help because she will watch him like a hawk after that. Contacting HR is another good idea from Sugarcane.

Don't you deserve more than to be the mistress of a would-be adulterer?

First of all,

Let me aploogize to Dr.Harley about getting the name wrong, I obviously read everything carefully, apart from the name. Thanks for the note.

Both Sugarcane and Unfettered, thanks a lot for your feedback, it helps a lot to confirm what I though about him and me, for that matter, in the first place.

Sugarcane, you said:

You are flattered by the attention you are receiving. It boosts your ego and makes you think that you must be special. However, it shouldn't. This MM sees something in you that tells him that he will be able to buy you a few drinks, perhaps take you to dinner, send a few flattering emails and then use your body. He doesn't think highly of you if he thinks he can use you like that; he is banking on the hope that you are a woman with no self-respect who will settle for the scraps from under his wife's table. I hope that you are NOT that kind of woman. You are not a stray dog, or a cockroach, are you? They feed off other creatures' scraps. Is that kind of life what you want for yourself? Make a decision for yourself that you are not that kind of woman.

I completely agree with all of the above. I told him that I am not that kind of a woman and that he should back-off! I refused him to kiss me or anything physical. However,even after I lef his town, he continued pursuing me even harder...Offered to drive to pick me up etc...This is where my guilt starts, probably. As you say, the fact that i am lonely has taken its toil - I am single, 33 and for a moment when he said he is in love with me and sees everything in me, I foolishly started to believe he might not just want to get me into bed and this is when I said he should sort his situation first and then come lookign after me.
I DID NOT, by any means, encourage him to leave his wife!!! I am not a person that could build happiness on someone's misery. Even when he tried to say disrespectful things about her in front of me, I told him to stop talking like that about the woman who is the mother of their 2 children, cleans, cooks for them and has a career. I even told him about this site and told him his wife might not be meeting one of his emotional needs and offered to send hm the link.
Of course I know I shouldn't be interefering in their marriage, but I am not perfect and I am trying to do what's right and best for everyone.
I admit I didn't want to lose the attention and this is my mistake that pulled me into this mess. I thought it would be ust harmless flirt, but I kind of started losing control.

I would like to make it clear ( and I also emphasized this to him) that I did not want him/ encourage him to leave the wife for me. I told him i will not allow him to use me as an excuse or a reason for his coward-like behaviour. I only said he should either stay with her and repair the marriage or divorce her first before he seduces other girls. I have been firm on this, but he seems to be obsessed with chasing me for a month now...luckily I am far, so the temptation was not so big.

I was trying to keep a balance between attention and ''the right thing''....However, as you say, it seems like I am getting too close to the fire i have been playing with.

When you mentioned HR and me calling his wife (I threathened once to do that) I must say i panicked. I panicked because I know I have a fair share of the guilt myself, so what would I tell them: ''I've been flirting with a married man and now he wants to get me into bed?''...Even calling his wife? What would I say? ''Oh, I've sent affectionate msgs back to your husband and now he wants to sleep with me''?

I am even embarassed to say what kind of affectionate msgs. I've sent him in moments of weakness....

Therefore these 2 things are not an option.
Instead, I will tell him to stop contacting me alltogether and seriouly threaten him that I'll resort to HR and his wife, if need be! I'll have to handle the shame, but I will do this before any other damage is done!

As I said, this must be happenning bcs I am 33 and single. I've never understood women who could be the other woman. I have even detested them, to be honest. I have single men showing me attention all the time, but I did not like any of them and to be fair, no one seemed as interested in me as this married guy. Now I know why!!! Obviously he knows what I need to hear!

I guess for a second I got carried away by his sweet-talk and affection. I was also fed-up of all ppl telling me I am too picky or too strict on men & that i just might be wrong that this guy is a cheater I believed him to be.


Thanks again for reminding me & reassuring me I had a good judgement call to refuse him to come here at least 10 times and to refuse him to kiss me when he was next to me...It was not easy, but at least I have proven to myself I am worth a good man..

It is exactly because of my strict/high standards that I am still single and not willing to settle for 2nd best (let alone second woman)

So, what do you think I should write in the e-mail tomorrow so that he backs off? I want him to take me seriously this time.

p.s. He is 36, has been married for 10 years and has 2 kids aged around 6 and 10.

Anita,

The two underlined statements contradict each other.

What is the point of threatening if "these 2 things are not an option"?

Hi, Anita. BTW, it's HarLey.

I 'kinda like' a lot of men that I work with in my job. I 'kinda like' a lot of women, too. Ooohhhh. You mean you kinda LIKE him. Anita, you are a big girl, right? I mean, you're not just some quivering nerve that is helplessly exposed to stimulation, correct? You've got a brain attached to your neck, I assume. Then you know that married men are OFF LIMITS for romance. You have identified that you will not accept this boundary. You have identified that you do not respect marriage, yourself, or the OM's wife. Why do you have no self-respect? Why would you do such a horrid, life-shattering thing to another woman? Do you realize that some betrayed wives have killed themselves after the A came to light, because of the horrific emotions that they have to deal with? Are you aware that many betrayeds have compared their spouse's A to rape or the death of a child, and have said the affair IS WORSE???? Is the temporary attention of a POS like OM worth the life sentence you are handing down to this woman??


Hooo boy, that's a knee-slapper, right there. Yep, every POS married man on the prowl for a little piece of strange has a bad marriage. My H had a 'bad marriage' when he was screwing around with the office secretary/skank. It was funny, in an unfunny way, how his marriage immediately improved the day I learned about the affair and he was begging me not to leave him!

Here's what you're not getting: there's nothing for him to sort out. It's all quite simple for him: he is married and intends to stay that way (or he would have been divorced and out of his 'bad' marriage by now.) He wants a little nooky, and you'll do. Very simple. Nothing to untangle, here.


Because he has indicated that he wants to get in your pants. That's when reasonable conversation time is over. Duh, OM.

Darn. Just when I thought you had a lick of sense. NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CONTACT 'AS FRIENDS' WITH A MARRIED MAN WHO WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS! Look at your next statement and you'll see why:


Yeah, just about every wayward has been in your situation, Anita. They typically end up here, trying to save their M after the affair is found out by their spouse. We may get to meet your OM, after you screw around with him and his wife finds out. And she will, Anita. They always do. Then you get the fun of having to apologize to her, which, of course, does absolutely squat toward helping her heal from this terrible, life-destroying thing that you've done to her.

You want to end this? Here's how: block OM from your phone and email. Go through the withdrawal that you'll experience for a day or two.

If you really wanted to be a big girl, I would suggest that you inform OM's wife that you and OM have been involved in an emotional affair, and that he feels he loves you, based on little more than phone calls and text messages (which should tell you just how outlandish his claims of love are.) She needs to be warned so she knows what her husband is up to and she can keep an eye on him. Because you're not the only one he is chasing, Anita. You are NOT SPECIAL.

Make the right deision. You know what that is.

DId you read this advice from Dr Harley? It was written to a married woman on the brink of an affair.

The only parts that do not apply to you are about the damage you are doing to your own marriage (since you are not married). You need to adapt what is said and apply it to the damage you are doing to the innocent wife's marriage. you are just as responsible for what would happen to her as her H would be.

You are on the brink of an affair, and once you jump in, you may not be able to get yourself out before you have done untold damage to your family. (Here is where you must substitute "her family", Anita.) Sooner or later most affairs die out, but in their wake they leave unspeakable pain. Your husband (his wife) would rather have his hand cut off than go through the agony of your unfaithfulness to him. It is the most cruel decision you could possibly make. Avoid that choice at all costs...

First, you should avoid seeing the man at work altogether, and it will mean quitting your job. You are already addicted to him, and your emotions will control your decisions whenever you see each other. It won't be long before you have thought through a justification of your behavior, and then there will be no stopping you. You will lose all perspective and ruin your (her) marriage and family, to say nothing about intentionally hurting a man (a woman - the BW) who cares a great deal for you (for him and her children). Six months after your affair has started you will be so up to your eyeballs in guilt you will be contemplating suicide. Get this man out of your life at all costs!

Full article: Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity

He'll be different with you, you're special.
Author Unknown

You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his wife. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.

He's told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He's acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and "honest". And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won't do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You're special. So what if he told his wife the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his [censored] with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you.

He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He's not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he'll be different, because he's told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he's told other people how you remind him of HER? That doesn't mean he's following the same old patterns, targeting the same types of women. That doesn't mean that he'll be turn emotionally abusive with YOU at some point...) He's such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right?

So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the "best thing that ever happened to him", and that he had "never loved anyone as much as he loved her"? That doesn't mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won't be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn't give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he'd NEVER do that to YOU.

So what if he didn't leave his wife before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades of emotional abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him.

And those stories of how his wife emotionally abandoned him... He's just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn't even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all - seeing a counselor and everything! It couldn't possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave... He couldn't have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his wife didn't trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues.

Even if in his past, he DID say, "Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that's easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I'm also inventive ... so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly ... It's just I'd rather enjoy the "romance". It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It's also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads." ... he couldn't possibly still have been doing that with his wife, or even YOU. He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You've even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he's sincere, right? He couldn't possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know.

He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He's so sweet, rubbing baby oil all over you, making love, sending you little cards, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that "wonderful" behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn't do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn't possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. No. This time, he'll be different, with you.

So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? So what if he actually admitted to his wife (just about the time you two started up again): "I am afraid of truth-tellers. I have so many lies in my past and present. The truth burns." That couldn't mean that he was telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT'S got to count for something... It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won't make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn't possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn't possibly be STILL lying to YOU. You're special.

Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn't have any danger of repeating itself with you. Because you're special. His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He'd never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. She must have brought that out in him. But you, you're special.

Besides, he's been in therapy. That must mean he's sincere, right? He wouldn't possibly be using the whole "therapy" thing as a cover-up to make himself look better because his reputation got damaged after the fiasco with his wife. He couldn't possibly be using contrition, and the "I feel so bad about myself"-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn't possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn't possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don't direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn't mean he would be doing that NOW. Not with YOU. You're SPECIAL.

He's so contrite and sincere about "working on his issues", he couldn't possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history pathological lying to himself and others, doesn't mean he'll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn't have good "memory" for things in the past. But don't worry. He won't use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU. You're special.

The poor guy just made bad choices before (you). Sure he made mistakes, but if his ex doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and now think he is mentally ill, it must be because SHE is unstable - I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you... He couldn't possibly have been like that with HER TOO... He wouldn't be using stock romance "lines" on YOU.
This time, it's REALLY love. You're Special.

Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his emotional abuse, were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won't apply a double-standard to YOU. He won't expect YOU to be perfect and subtely criticize you when you don't measure up to his standards. You're the one who is going to change his life.

And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can't forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he's so deeply sensitive, you see) - but he couldn't possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn't possibly have "set up" situations so he could cry foul... He wouldn't have ENCOURAGED her to do things so he could later claim that he was hurt by her... And, well, even if he DID, maybe do that, he certainly won't do it with YOU. You're too special for that. Any time he tells you he's happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he'll REALLY mean it, with YOU. He won't create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won't secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won't do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices for you. He won't secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won't be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don't give it all to him. Not THIS time. You're SPECIAL.

He's such a nice guy, he won't "help" you (especially unsolicited) and then have an unstated hidden agenda like he did with all the others. He's going to claim his right to be "selfish" now, because he's been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy. He's never taken time to be selfish in the past - not even when he was sitting alone in his room, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. That wasn't selfish - that was just "acting out". But he's better now. Don't worry. He won't use his new-found right to be "selfish" against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you he will give unconditionally.

It's no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his wife was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions, when he just wasn't ready. And besides, he just can't handle confrontation, you know? And like, she's just so SCARY when she's upset (it's just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? Nobody else is allowed to have anger and raise their voice except HIM. Because, like, he can't DEAL with it, and he shouldn't be expected to! He couldn't possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn't possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won't do it anymore, with you.

And if somehow you accidentally do things that "trigger" his old abuse patterns, he'll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn't want him to start acting emotionlly abusive again because of something YOU did.

And you don't have to worry about that, because you'll never get upset with him, and you'll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was "controlling," but it'll be different with you, because you know better. And you won't need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he'll NEVER lie to YOU. He'll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won't have to "forget" any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won't be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won't withhold information, or distort or omitt the truth. He won't break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won't HAVE to, because you'll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he's so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past!

And it's a good thing he's not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past, because then you won't have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose "mistakes", and all that did was make him feel bad about himself - that she could forgive and he couldn't. Wasn't that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. He told her it was "like blood in the water for sharks" for him. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won't be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU. He'll be different with you. You're SPECIAL.

And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn't really trying, but that wasn't being dishonest - he just didn't know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn't willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn't one of his patterns. He won't do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after he abandon her, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate's clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn't possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He's not STILL acting manipulative and projecting issues.... and well, if he is, he's only doing that with HER because of their history - he wouldn't do that with YOU.

And it's so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his wife, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she "helped" him (when she wasn't hurting him, the witch) - that must mean he's a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even "help" him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past... Just like SHE thought she could "help" him.

And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It's not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It's not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn't leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that's all. He couldn't have actually got off on seeing them hurt and crying. He wouldn't have LAUGHED condescendingly in someone's face while she was crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn't remember doing anything like that - and HIS memory is inviolate.

He's told you how different he feels with YOU. How different he IS with you. How healing your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a wonderful person he thinks you are. How important you are in his life. How much he values and appreciates you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly transformed he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU. So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you. He's a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You're special.

You don't need to talk to any of his ex's to find out what he was REALLY like, because the past is the past, right? You couldn't possibly learn anything from their experiences, because he's not going to be like that anymore. It couldn't possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can "remember" it), right?

And he's such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his wife could be FRIENDS now. He can't understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him - after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He's so uncomfortable around her now, because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn't STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues... After all, he's a changed man.

But you don't have to worry. He won't PUBLICLY divulge YOUR insecurities or deeply intimate things you told him in confidence to other women - he won't betray your trust - like he did with her. No matter what happens between you and him, you'll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It'll be different with you. You're special.

He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU. He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU. NO. He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won't expect you to read his mind. He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN). So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn't mean he's going to follow through on the rest of them. He's CHANGED now.

You're special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were.

YOU are the one who can "fix" his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you're special! With you, he'll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won't become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won't play headgames anymore. He'll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won't be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE'S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he's removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his [censored] together. Not because he's done any REAL work. Not because he's actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change.

He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to "save" him from himself and "help" him become a better man, and that's YOU.

You just KNOW he'll be different with you. Right?

Wow, Marital bliss, I definitely didn't see that one coming...

You are very harsh I must say...but I understand and accept your tone of voice as it seems to help me most! It's like a wake-up call!
At least I know what I look like to the outisde world, especially how i would look like to his wife if she finds out.

In my head, I am still the honest/good person that DID NOT act on whatever wrong/false feelings I might have had, but I will do a reality check.
I only thought that maybe I deserve just a little bit of credit for not acting physycally, but I guess i was wrong...

It is humiliating enough to be drawn up to this kind of an emotional affar, so please don't make me feel like the ultimate [censored]...:(
I already blame myself enough for it and I am willing to take responsibility for my mistake...

I now feel I can stop replying to his mesgs,calls and e-mails alltogether.

My only question is whether you think I have to tell his wife? Is it not hypocritical to first enjoy her husband's msgs and then all of a sudden - I think of what's best for her?

Is it really my responsibility to be telling her or is it his responsibility? Maybe she does not want to know, or maybe she knows about him cheating before, but pretends not to see? Is it really for me to interfere?

I'd rather stop everything, disappear from his life and mind my own business...

Anita. If you were in her position, would you want to know your H was messing around? That he cared so little for you and your M, that he had zero boundaries and/or desire to protect them, that he would jeopardize all you two had created just to get a little somethin' somethin'?

You absolutely have a moral obligation to tell her. Sure, you're a participant in her H's wayward ways; however, you are (hopefully) seeing the error in that, and I hope you realize that you are now privy to information that she has every right (more right than you, in fact) to know. THIS IS HER LIFE.

Sure, she may know of her H's cheatin' ways. Sure, she may not want to be bothered. However, I am 99.9% sure neither of those is true, especially the latter.

And if a moral obligation doesn't ring true to you, think of it practically. Her H goes out, sleeps around, gets an STD. He brings it home to his unsuspecting, trusting wife.

Or her H fathers a child with his affair partner.

Or her H files for divorce, leaving her and her children without a second thought.

Affairs ruin lives. Even if you and her H didn't do anything physical, she deserves to be warned of her H's destructive behavior. She deserves to have a chance to build a M of care and protection, to recover and have her WH get right. She does NOT deserve to be blindsided further on down the line when her WH gives her HIV, knocks up his OW, ditches the family...or all of the above.

I've read all of it...I've read other forums and articles, too... I just needed to be ancouraged & helped in my determination to end this addiction...

I had doubts as to how nasty this can end, but your replies have definitely sobered me up.

I can stop replying to his calls,e-mails texts with no problem.

Thanks a lot

Hi MRs Vanilla,

I guess you are right...the only problem is I have once had a similar situation.
My close friend's boyfriend had my e-mail because I was translating some documents for him.My friend knew I was doing this for him and that he had my e-mail. The translated documents was the only exchange of e-mail I ever had with him.

Shortly after that, I found out he was having dirty talks with some lady online and accidentaly he had forwarded a very explicit e-mail of corespondence with his mistress to me.

Of course, I told my friend about this immediately and showed her the e-mail. Not only did she not do anything about it, but she also stopped being close to me....and started avoiding me

Anita, it's hard to express things when it's an 'impersonal' website. If you were here, sitting across from me, I would be hugging you and telling you the same things. But you would hear them much differently.

My words are harsh, I admit that. But what's happening with you and OM is harsh, with an outcome that you cannot imagine until you've gone through it yourself. I'm giving these words to you as a form of a wake-up for you, so you don't have to go through the outcome. My goal is for you to say what you said above, that I put in bold.

I do give you great credit for coming here when you did. We've had a lot of waywards come here after the fact, and the damage they've done to themselves is great. You've saved yourself a lot of heartache. That is my wish for you.

Anita,
Those are all just justifications to not tell his wife. But understand that they aren't for anyone's benefit but yours. You aren't keeping her in the dark for any reason other than you don't want to face what you almost did. If you actually did take responsibility for an emotional affair with a married man, you'd tell his wife as part of your atonement.

But to put it in terms you might understand. You have already told us that you haven't been strong enough to stop this on your own. If you don't change the dynamic, eventually he is going to talk you into rationalizing this and before you know it, this will be a physical affair. I cannot tell you how many people come to this board saying they never meant to have a physical affair and don't know how it happened.

I'd contact his wife and tell her that you got caught up in the flattery and courting that her husband was giving you and you want to extricate yourself from the situation because its WRONG. Tell her that nothing other than some suggestive texting and emailing has occurred, but you are deeply sorry for your involvement in this. Tell her that you are notifying her because she has a right to know and because you haven't been strong enough to end all contact with him. End with apologizing again for playing this role of an interloper.

After that, you won't have to worry about him pursuing you any more and you won't have to worry that you'll be back here in a few weeks apologizing for a sleeping with a married man.

Anita, I would like to disabuse you of any hesitation you have about informing his wife and HR. This man has treated you despicably. Every time he comes to you, he is insulting you by implying you are a cheap ho who would hop in bed with a married man.

Any married man who comes onto another woman has done nothing more than spit in her face. It is not a compliment, but an announcement that he thinks you are a SKANK. I don't believe you are a skank or you would have already hopped into bed with him.

It is an illusion that he "loves" you, because he if he did he wouldn't be degrading you in this way. And just imagine what his "lurve" will get you? See what it got his wife?

This guy is a scumbag but you can help him be a better man by printing up the emails he sent you and dropping them off to his wife. She doesn't know about the problem in her marriage and doing this will give her an opportunity to save her marriage.

You are in possession of information vital to this woman's very existence. Please re-read the first page of posts to you here, as well as any of a number of betrayed spouse's threads on this forum. Do you still not understand the consequences of infidelity?

You are putting your own feelings first.

How she handles the information is her choice.

Do you really want to live your life as one who covered up adultery? One who had such a selfish concern for her own feelings and running away from the problem that she couldn't tell? One who was too scared and couldn't be bothered to own up to her role in this and at least do the victim the very basic courtesy of warning her?

Thanks I feel better now...for a moment i thought I was being hated by the whole world...I don't know what I was thinking to let myself get this deep!!!!

I was raised to be better & if my family knew they would kick my stupid ar*se!!! I have always lived my life by the policy ''Don't do to the others what you don't want to be done to youself''

And I think this very pronciple was the only one that stopped me from going any further. I was not even worried about the consequences i would suffer...I was constantly thinking of how horrible would that be for his wife and children....

I guess I have turned for help to the right people
xxx

Anita, this is good advice. You said you have not been strong enough to end all contact with him. Moreover, as a previous poster mentioned, you have left the door open for him: e.g., "if you leave your wife, then I will..."

Remove the option. Take the temptation away from you. Tell the BW, block all contact, do whatever you have to do.

\
Anita, I applaud you for doing the right thing! I would strongly suggest you do it again in this situation.

She may or may not be grateful, but you will be doing the right thing. It is always right to warn someone when they are being harmed behind their back. It is the decent thing to do.

Again, thanks to all for your suggestions about thelling his wife...

I will seriously think about it and hopefully, collect enough courage to do it...

The only problem is that I don't have much evidence apart from the telephone bill and some msgs...
I've deleted all the e-mails as they come because i didn't want them to be seen by anyone accidentaly
But I guess 20 text msgs a day would be enough for her to believe me...there are some long calls, too...

The courage will only be found in the DOING IT. Until then you'll only search for reasons NOT TO.

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing....I/we promise.


You will not only be revealing to his wife what you've done but, likely, putting her on the path of discovery of what he's done with several or even numerous other woman at his "apartments".

Whether she believes you is not really your problem and not a justification for withholding your apology from her. You worry about your side of the street...atoning for what you HAVE done, thus far and promising to stay away forever thereafter. In my opinion, she'll believe you...she's likely had a gut feeling for quite some time.

Mr. Wondering

Anita, gather up as much evidence as you have and just fill in the gaps. This man is a loose cannon and you have the power in your hands to stop him. Stopping him helps you, him, and your employer. He is danger to all of you in this way:

1. to himself. He risks his career, reputation and marriage by being so stupid [people who have workplace affairs are a special kind of stupid]

2. his wife and family. an affair would be the worst thing that could happen to her and her children

3. his employer. he is a walking legal liability that places them in legal harm by trolling the employee pool for fun.

4. to YOU. He wants to turn you into the pariah called: THE OW. How would you ever explain an affair with a married man to a potential suitor? Do you think a decent man would marry you with that past? HELL NO! An affair with a married man would taint you for life.

Now, this man will probably continue to pursue you or some other coworker and succeed in ruining his marriage, his career and the reputation of the next coworker he pursues. But you have the power in your hand to stop all that by bringing it out into the open. He can't very well continue on this path unless someone keeps his dirty secrets. So, sure he would be mad that you exposed him, but when he wakes up some day, he will be grateful that you tried to put a stop to his destructive behavior.

Courage is a CHOICE.

There is no easy way out of this,is there?
It's amazing how much trouble one can get into in only one month!!!

To MelodyLane:
There are not much gaps to be filled in, I guess... only the e-mails at work...I do have the text msgs and calls...for the whole month of us contacting...

Yep, its like ripping off a bandaid Anita. You just have to do it. Thinking about it only makes you less likely to do what needs to be done.

Anita I know you are scared but you are making the best decision not only for you but also with the BW.

Gather all of the evidence of the emotional affair, with out it he will be able to tell all sorts of lies to his BW. That is not what you want, you want to make sure that she has everything that you have and show her. This is what I would do....

Get her phone number (call her when you know she is at home and her husband is not)
Get your email ready with all the documents ready to send
Email all the evidence
Then right after you send her the email call her and say...

"HI my name is Anita, you don't know me but I know your husband, the last month or so he has been advancing on me and telling me that he loves me and trying to sleep with me, I do apologize because I also encouraged it, I'd like to stop it now and make things right and by doing so I thought you would like to know what your husband has been doing for the last month. I just sent you and email of some of our emails, texts, and how much he has called me. Again I am soo sorry."

She will be in shock, so don't say another word and just say goodbye, she will look at the evidence and decide what would be best for her.

Send her a link to this website.

Then Block his number/FB/email/etc..

Call HR

Then you my lady will be..

ALL DONE!!

A very good article...thanks

Thank you, this is helpful.

It helps how you've put it in terms of planning.
Also, I am not sure I can get a hold of her home number or e-mail, but I have an idea where to get it and I hope it will work.

One more question-

Last time I spoke to him was on Friday evening. He called me on my mobile phone and pushed for a 3rd day ina row to come and see me ''just for dinner'' to talk issues through...I told him it was late and inappropriate and agreed to discuss his issues over lunch on Saturday if need be (of course, now I know that was DA*N STUPID)
He said he would not be able to come donw to my town for another 10 days because his brother was due to get married in 10 days' time and he needed to pick his wife up from a neighbouring town. She was staying with her parents for a week because she had broken her leg.
I know that this is a good time to catch her home on sick leave and tell her, but is it a good time with her medical condition and his brother's wedding approaching?
Should I wait for it to pass and then call her? I alos know it's her b-day on 9th October, so....

You'll probably all say NOT to wait. Delaying is worse, right?

I would call her now because she is off work and has others taking care of her.

Anita,
I'd go ahead and contact her as soon as possible. Waiting doesn't really serve any purpose.

Also, this may go counter to some advice here, but I do not think it is your responsibility to *fix* their marriage. Thats too much to take on and really not your place. All you can do is contact his wife once and state your case. It is not your responsibility to make her believe you. Just tell her what happened, offer to send her what evidence you have and let her decide. If she wants to stick her head in the sand, thats up to her. I think at that point, you will have fulfilled your obligation to her (an obligation not borne out of her husbands attempt at cheating, but out of your involvement in that attempts. You owe her so to speak) and her husband will know that you contacted her.

His attempts to seduce you at that point should come to a screeching halt. If he contacts you again, forward it to his wife and cc him on it so he knows you will offer him no confidentiality.

And when you contact her, tell her what he has told you, not just what he has sent you via text. It will give lots of credibility to your claim if you can tell her you know she is recuperating from a broken leg and that he wants to come meet you before the brother's wedding. And that he has asked you to stay with him at one of his condos.

I would also tell her that you know her brother is getting married, that he has to pick her up - because she is at her parents' house, broke her leg....
because he wanted to meet with you and COULDN'T

because he had to pick her up..............


this will offer her some proof that he is calling you and wanting to meet with you.


Tell her that you know these details only because he will not leave you alone. Tell her that you know you should never have even considered this mess - that you regret it entirely - and now are trying to help her get things back on track with him.

Tell her to come to this website, because she has a chance to figure this out


Tell her that we stopped you

Tell her that this place is safe for her.


Whether or not she believes you now, she will look here out of curiosity.

Repeat Marriage Builders as many times as you can------

Be a broken record - help her that way. You cannot interfere, but you can plant the seed for her to find us.

SB

You collect rare coins and postage stamps, Anita. Courage is born of action.

I suspect you may be afraid of OMs reaction after you expose his disgusting ways to his poor wife. Here's what you do, ready?
First, block every contact avenue he has to you. The chance is good that his wife will have pinned back his ears and neutered him to the point where the last thing he would want to do is talk to you. (Especially knowing that you will probably call his wife and tell her he did so.)Block your contacts anyway.

In the unlikely event that he does contact you, all a-twitter ("How could you have done this to me!? How could you have done this to my wife!?") calmly respond "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't think you would mind, since your marriage was so bad. I thought you would want her to know." END OF DISCUSSION. Leave your office, hang up your phone, etc.

Then call his wife and tell her that he's contacted you again.

One more thing: when you talk to his wife, don't succumb to the temptation to do so anonymously. OM will be able to talk her into believing that some competitor put someone up to it in order to create hassles for him, or any other such lame excuse (that some wives have a tendency to buy because they're loyal to their hound-dog husbands, poor things.) Give her your name and a way to reach you in case she has questions she thinks of after you talk to her.

I agree the sooner the better

Like tonight if you can!

OK, point taken...

I did not mention that English is not my first language, that's why I sometimes use words such as ''collect'' ...I translate them literally from my own language & it just sounds silly.

Also, I did not mention that I come from the Balkans, where forums such as this one are quite a ''taboo''.
I have lived abroad and I work for an international organization, which is why I am more open to this kind of help, i.e. forums. And now I am glad I did!
I will mention it to his wife after I find out if she speaks English.

I just went through my phone for evidence and saw the text msgs we exchanged.I was overwhelmed and competely taken by anger!!!
I can see from my mood swings that one moment I am angry at him for dissrespecting me and texting me & the next day I'd be replying to him saying ''miss you'' and similar bul***t...
ARGHHHHHHH, what was I thinking....

Anyway, it would be easy for her to check if what I was saying was true. She can check when I was last in his office for visit & see my bill. Seriously, there is 20 msgs a day from him and calls after midnight when both him and I would be out, but in separate towns.

I now see that not only he drained all my emotion and energy, but he also drained my wallet! Almost 2/3 of my bill is spent on him...

OK, what's done is done.

Thank you all again, you've helped me a lot!

hahaha, this is the first time I have a smile on my face today... thanks...but tonight i don't have her number hahah...

Anita,

Do not pat yourself on the back until you tell his wife and end all your work contact with him. Until then, the affair is not dead. Even if you do continue to resist him, you risk going forward in a moment of weakness. The biggest reason for telling his wife is so that he and you can't secretly continue your emotional affair. His wife will be watching him. Even if she didn't believe you (I'm sure she would after looking at the phone bill, people aren't stupid), she would keep an eye on him going forward. Then the OM would start looking for someone else that wouldn't cause him so much trouble (i.e. not tell his wife). It doesn't matter what you did before with the affectionate emails. It matters what you do going forward. I promise you, tell his wife, and he'll finally leave you alone. Plus, you'll give his wife a heads up so she can take steps to save her marriage and protect it from an affair going forward. Her husband will continue to look to cheat on her until he gets caught. Read some of the stories on here. There is one BW that was given HIV by her WH. Don't let that be your OM's BW. If you were married and your husband was trying to hook up with other women, I'm sure you would want to know.

OK...
Not only that i would like to know, but I would be devastated if it happened to me

The more men I meet, the more disappointed I get. I've had unavailable men hitting on me before. Sometimes, I would find out that they are unavailable (with a girlfriend, a fiancee...and in this case-even a wife) 15 mintes into a chat in a bar. Of course, nothing close to this ever happened to me,nor I believed it could happen because I had always stopped talking to them immediately...and they would see they had no chance and stop, too...

...Anyway, I was proven that it can happen to anyone if they are not careful and if they play with fire...I just can't stop wondering:

Are there men out there that are actually faithfull????

This amount of people struggling with affairs & the personal stories of infidelity of people I know scare me!
It's almost a rule that men go after other women once they are married.Please tell me I am wrong!

I still believe I'll get married one day and have a faithful husband and a healthy marriage

People can be faithful, but you need to find a man that agrees to proper marital boundaries. That means if you are dating a man and he has a lot of female friends, you need to tell him that if you enter into a serious relationship with him, those friendships need to stop. If he continues those friendships or keeps secrets from you, then you don't marry the guy. If you marry a guy, you need to make it clear up front what you expect out of him, and both of you need to live transparent lives so that sneaking around would be easily caught. Fear of getting caught is the biggest deterrent, so you need to live your lives so that it would be difficult to cheat if you tried.

Anita, of course you need to tell his wife. I think, not to overwhelm you, you should also tell your HR dept. They need to know reasons why you may turn down trips, or why you won't take his phone calls and they may even wonder why you would block his email. It is something that you can get out front so he can't try to get back at you by saying that you called his wife and lied and try to get you fired.

It is good that you feel guilty about what you allowed yourself to get into, it is your responsibility to fix yourself and tell his wife. That's it. And now that you know about MB, you will be able to have the kind of relationships that are better than anything you could ever have imagined before.

Anita, it is important that you inform his wife as soon as humanly possible. Because, if he thinks you may tell her, he may tell her that there is a crackpot woman at work who has made advances on him, and when he refused, she is trying to ruin his marriage. So it is likely that she would be outraged at YOU, instead of him.

I say this because, some years ago, my husband told me that there was a crackpot woman at his job who was calling the wives of many of the men there, and claiming to have had an affair. He wanted me to know "so I would be prepared if she tries it on us."

I never heard from the woman. And now, years later, I wonder what the truth really was. I was probably too trusting by believing him implicitly. I wonder if that is when my WH first started down the road to adultery.

She may not believe you, she will probably be angry with you, but then the information is there for her to do with as she wills. At least, you'll have tried to do the right thing.

Anita,
I thank God you found this forum before you went over the line and have an affair with that disgusting pig.

You deserve so much more. I know it is tough being lonely but he would be your worst nightmare. My x-h had an affair with his direct report and destroyed a family. He is now marrying her and lost his career, integrity and declared bankruptcy. She has no credibility at work because she is know only for sleeping with her boss.

Find a man that you can bring into the light and not hide. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

Blessings.

Wishing you the best Anita and there's nothing wrong with a woman in her 30's single.

I recently remarried and I just turned a little past 40 ok? But the men (coming from a woman who was a single woman for the last seven years after a divorce) we find in our 30's and beyond are what my friends call mostly "recycled" guys meaning that the singles out there either have been married previously or were usually in serious relationships before. And sadly, there are amongst the population some men and women who have been married for a long time who are willing to be unfaithful and see what happens if they pretend they aren't married.

Yes, this happened to me once. I went to dinner with a guy who seemed perfect. I had met him out with friends one evening at dinner. We spoke on the phone for a few weeks first, he said all the right things, was amazingly sweet and understanding and I eventually decided to go on a dinner date with him.

The date was perfect! Everything was right. Then the next week, he was to have another dinner date with me and he called me and sounded funny. By the way after this time I was comfortable talking to him and had told him of what had happened in my life and WHY I was divorced and how devastated I had been after my ex had had an ema and gotten the ow pregnant. Apparently this guy felt guilty, and told me out of the blue he was NOT single. I remember screaming at him and cried and told him to never speak to me again. I did ask him why he thought he could do that, and he said that he didn't know why.

I know why. Guys will want their egos stroked and so will gals. Maybe he had been married awhile and felt less than worshipped, and fell into same old trap my ex H fell into. And it cut like a knife knowing this jerk spent so much time trying to woo mee and date me and pretend he was single. And according to my girlfriends who are still single it happens all the time these days.

The only clue I could have ever known was he only called from his office or mobile phone, but in the last decade things shifted and most people use their cells more than their house line. I'd have never known maybe unless I had told this guy about my past, and he HEARD loud and clear and saw the pain I had gone through courtesy of a cheating ex H.

I never saw that person again, although he tried to call and say he was sorry numerous times. It imho disrespected me, and no "I'm sorry" can take that back. It IS a slap in the face to try to get away with any of the bull a married piece o'crap will feed you to get you to carry on with them. But yes, this guy lied and as I suspect, this workplace casanova lied to you also saying he was unhappily married implying maybe he was getting a divorce or something?

Either way, do not speak to this person again. Run. Turn your back. It is NOT a compliment. It is an insult. What if he had said this to you instead:

Hey cute lady, how would you like to go on some dates nowhere near my work or home, but sneak around w/me? I promise I will never ask for more than sex and a few dates, as I can't even really promise you anything? I will break your heart and my wife and kids' hearts as well.

What would you do if a married guy or gal said that to a possible ow/om? Do you think an affair would ever happen in the first place?

I remember taking a very hot shower after that phone call, feeling I had to wipe the mucky muck off of me after knowing what that cad did. Luckily, nothing happened on our dinner date other than a peck on the cheek, but trust me, that guy would have done whatever I allowed him to have tried, should he had not ever told the truth.

Wait around. There are plenty of good single men out there who WILL respect you and treat you as a woman should be treated. And somehow anonymously and gently inform the wife. She deserves to know. I am glad i found out about my ex too. It will hurt, but the truth is far better than living a lie.

Anita, a man can definitely be faithful. You need to look elsewhere for men. Bars are a terrible place to find men.

I do believe I would have to pick up the phone and give his poor wife a quick recap of my dinner date with her husband. And mention his phone calls.

Anita, I'm a guy who got into an affair with a married woman. You can read my posts if you want to piece together my story. Sorry, I'm on a business trip overseas so I don't have time to write the response I'd like, but everything Marital Bliss has said is dead-on.

Take it from me: Just do NOT go there. You think it's special, you think you 2 are different. Been there. In hindsight, it isn't special or different, and what you & the other guy & his wife will be left with is a huge pile of pain that you can't even imagine.

You need to tell his wife because she's the person whose knowledge is most likely to be most effective in killing the emotional affair that's already occurring. If you refuse/fail to do so, it's because you're not serious about wanting to end this affair. Also, there's a moral issue: If you saw a person being struck by a car, you'd call an ambulance, because there's a chance to save the person's life. You wouldn't say it's "interfering"! This woman is being emotionally run over by her husband's emotional affair, and you have a chance to help save the marriage. Or you have a chance to help destroy it. Coming from a person whose selfish actions may very well have helped destroy another man's marriage, let me ask you: Would you go over to the person who's been just struck by a car, look them in the eye, and walk away without doing anything to help? Wouldn't that be kind of like pulling a knife from your pocket and drawing its blade across that person's throat?

That's all I've got time to type, sorry. I'd have so much more to say, but that's the gist of it. Do the right thing, Anita. You'll be sorry if you don't. Affairs do not end well. Take it from me. Heed this advice.

It's called "stepping out of the fog".

You need to tell this woman TODAY, no excuses. Give her the content and times of some of the texts and calls, so she can check her WH's cell records and see that you're telling the truth.

Her emotional well-being, and even her very life, are in the balance.

What are you going to do?

What difference does it make how much "credit" you deserve? Are you going to do the right thing or not? Are you going to help the victim here, or think only of yourself and your reputation and your credit?

Yeah, bars are terrible & work is such a wonderful place to find cheating pi*s! I don't know if I should even laugh or cry at this irony...
but yes, i agree, bars are a place to find a ''little something'' on the side, in general

I have just read this thread and there is one thing that stands out, there are 5 pages of back and forth conversation where the same advice was given from page 1, and yet, here we are and the wife has yet to be contacted. I wonder why?

Somehow, underneath all this, I get the feeling that you are not averse to an affair with this man.

Thanks for the reply Markos, I appreciate your help

His last 3 phone msgs on Friday evening remained unaswered.
I joined this forum over the weekend, which only reinforced my decision to stop this nightmare.

His 2 e-mails he sent me at work today also went unanswered. And I wasn't even tempted to reply.

The first e-mail was sent to me first thing in the morning:
Married guy: ''Hi, I was just wandering how u have been and how was your weekend.I hope it was better than mine I didn't hear the alarm and just got into the office. My first thing on the ''to do list'' was to wish you a beautufyl day''

of course, i didn't even think of replying.

Before the workday ended, he dropped another e-mail saying:
Married guy '' I am starting to get worried about you..if you are sick or something happened...are you ok, I haven't heard from you since Friday...maybe you just don't want to reply, which is not nice....Wish you a beautiful evening''

Of course, I did not reply, nor I intend to.

I think he is still trying and pushing to see if I am still willing to flirt, which i am NOT!

I know that if I ignore this e-mail and the following few, he'll just stop.

If you think that's a good idea, I could even say this:
''Do not contact me any more. I have blocked your number and I am about to talk to HR to block your incoming e-mails''
( even thoug, I personally think this is a bad idea, as he will just take it as feedback and it might encourage him to drop me yet another pathetic e-mail and so on and so foth...Please tell me if you agree)

So, it is not an issue for me to stop contacting him any more. I won't!

What's bothering me now is the fact that I need to tell his wife.

I have heard everyone's opinion on this and I know I will not receive any support for not doing anything about ''saving his wife who is a victim''....

YOU SAID:

Are you going to do the right thing or not? Are you going to help the victim here, or think only of yourself and your reputation and your credit?

Can I do the righ thing AND think of myself and my reputation at the same time???
I am a victim MYSELF. I am a victim of his manipulation, mind games and seducing techniques. I am voulnerable, too. I ama victim of my own guilt, if you wish.
I rejected,refused and dismissed his offers to come and pick me up & to come back to my room after a night out...I repeatedly told him what he tried to do is wrong for him, unfair to his wife and children and that he needed to seek help.

Once, over a weekend when his wife was at her parents' place, he texted me:
''I am with my sis, her husband, my mom and the kids, you are missing ''
I got so angry with him & for the courage to write such a manipulative thing as to making me believe I belonged, that I replied:

'' How dare you say that. It's your wife who is missing, not me! Don't make me call her and tell her this, please!''

Then he would apologise and play with my brain a little bit. Most of the time he would convince me ''He really loved me and missed me....i was on his mind every minute...I was smart,funny,pretty and made him laugh...I was ''sparkling'' all the time and had a ''glow'' around me that just made him happy...He even begged to come and just see me, if only for a while.He would promice he would not attempt anything physical, he just had to see my face and blah blah...He was prepared to drive accross the border (the town is 2 hrs drive and a border away from me)and back just to be able to see me for an hour.
Even if I told him that he was married ans hould not be feeling like that for anyone else but his wife, he would use the typical ''we almost divorced in June...we barely even speak, she doesn't even care where I go''...
I have asked him on numerous occasions:''What if your wife finds out you have been calling me? Do you know what's it like for your kids to go through a divorce?Have you thought about the consequences? ''
He almost always replied with ''I don't care if she finds out''

As you can see, he has used all the trick in the book to get to my brain and make me believe I was special.

Thank God I had a gut feeling that this was terribly wrong and would be painful for everyone involved. And thank God I found this forum to tell me that I am just a typical example of someone who is being seduced by a married man ( my guil included)

And yes, I am guilty for enjoying all that attention from an unavailable man.I'm not trying to deny it.

I would occasinally fall for his bull*it and said I missed him too, but most of the time I would react reasonably and when I did that, he would try to guilt-trip me that i was chaning moods and that i would need to make up my mind.

The point of me saying all this is - am I not a victim, TOO? Yes, his wife is a victim, but don't I have to think of my well-being, too?
What if I tell her and show her the evidence and she still decides to live in denial and to believe any [censored] excuse he gives her in order to save her marriage? He had ME convinced his marriage is bad after a few weeks, I am sure it would be easy for him to convince her I am just a single ''nutcase''
He will probably say I am a skank who is just angry because he refused to have sex with me despite all evidence I give her.
What if she decides, in her state of anger, to call my office and tell them I am threat to other married men?

That will be my ultimate punishment for doing the right thing and trying to help her,when she didn't really ask for help, at least not from the woman who has been flirting with her husband.

What will happen to me then? My reputation has been impecable so far and i ama respected and loved member of the team. My appraisal has been with highest marks and my team input is greatly valued.

But how long do you think it will take before the office gossip and the bullying start? The place I work at and live in is small, so things are easily blown out of proportion. This error might cost me my career and reputation for life.

I know what you'll probably say at this point (bring it on maritalBliss:)
''Well, you shold have thought about it before you got involved in this emotional nightmare''
I agree. I should have, but I didn't. And I am sorry. Also, i am sure it will NEVER happen to me again. From a moral point of view, is this mistake so big that I absolutely have to risk my job, career and reputation?
I live on my own, have no other sources of income, my job is everything to me given i have just put a mortgage for a place & my mother is financially dependant on me. My father is in poor health and my brother is constantly between jobs. We all live separately in different towns and my parents are divorced (not a result of an affair, before you ask,just big differences and no communication)
So, do i really need another stress on my neck after having succcessfully pulled out of this mess?

p.s. Let me repeat again that I am not affraid that telling his wife will stop him from contacing me. As far as I am concerned, I can easily go on with no contacting him ever again...

I am sorry that you are getting that impression...

I understand that what I did was wrong, but to be suspicious about anything I say is not helping me...Pleae read the letter I just posted a few minutes ago...

I get every comment personally because i know all of you have suffered from such a situation, but I really have ''woken-up

I honeslty start to feel a little bit disappointed by the fact that you don't belive me...

Well, okay, since you asked

You know what to do.

Let me ask you something: if you were sexually molested as a child, and you found out as an adult that the man who molested you was marrying a woman with 3 pretty little girls, what would you do? Would you keep quiet, hoping he'd mended his horrid ways and send up a little prayer of protection for those little girls, since, after all, YOU'RE a victim too, darnit! Why should YOU get stuck with the unsavory task of having to rat this deviant out??? Why should YOU have to do the heavy lifting and bring this terrible thing to light???
Or would you warn this poor woman about the sexual deviant she was about to marry, thereby protecting her and her children?

Anita, you can ask us 'pretty please' and promise the moon, and it won't change the right thing to do.

Darn, you took my "You should have thought of all of this before you started flirting" line away from me!

The reason that we don't look at you as a victim is because you were a willing participant in your actions. YOU HAD A CHOICE. You chose WRONG WRONG WRONG. Any of the consequences for those choices that you made should be felt by you to ensure that you will not do this again. Sorry Anita, but around here, TALK IS CHEAP. Actions speak volumes. Tell the wife and tell HR. I would even tell your parents and everyone surrounding you.

Tell them that you are sorry. You made a mistake. You are trying to fix the mistakes you have made. Change yourself. Take your consequences like a big girl. You did a bad thing, could it have been worse? Certainly. You don't get credit for NOT being the worst example of OW ever. You WILL get credit for being a former OW when you tell the wife, tell HR, have NC for LIFE and change yourself.

Don't take our callousness as being uncaring. We are trying to help you. Holding your hand and telling you that everything will be okay isn't going to help you. PLEASE TELL THE WIFE. DO THE RIGHT THING.

OK,I get it...

I already know what you'd say. I belive you to be my conscience...

First things first, you are NOT a victim. You willfully CHOSE to have an emotional affair with a married man. If you have read up on this website you understand the concept of emotional needs. If this married OM has been meeting your needs of admiration and conversation, you can't expect him not to want you to meet his need of sexual fulfillment. You may have thought letting him meet your needs of admiration and conversation were not crossing the line because it wasn't sexual, but you did cross the line. You are just as guilty of a party in this affair as he is. You crossed the line by having a close personal relationship (read: AFFAIR) with a married man. You did not respect proper marital boundaries.

Now you can atone for your mistakes by telling his wife and blocking all future contact. That would be redeeming yourself. Coming here, posting about your situation, and TRYING to avoid contacting him in the future, is NOT enough for redemption. You need to accept the consequences of your poor choices and do the right thing.

Anita. What I am about to say is not delivered with any mean-spirited and/or holier-than-thou attitude. It is firm because this is that serious.

You, my dear, are NOT a victim. I think you know that.

Your previous post stating as much is nothing more than justifications for why you should 1) not establish complete and total no contact, and 2) not expose the affair to the real victim here, the BW.

Good that you haven't replied to his attempts to contact you. However, that whole story begs the question: why can he still contact you? Block him!

Also, any replays, even just mental, of what he said to you, your times together, etc., is like contact. Stop it. That thinking is off-limits to you.

I am hard-pressed to imagine any HR department that would penalize YOU for an admission of a burgeoning emotional connection as a married coworker has tried to take your relationship beyond the office. You state that you recognize the missteps in this, and felt you should take it to HR in order to maintain appropriate office relationships only. You are concerned for the reputation of the company and its employees, and do not want to tarnish yourself - nor have this man tarnishing the company by his actions. (Or something like that - there are many other posters on here who are very adept at dealing with HR exposures.)

Now. For the BW. You've been told this every which way 'til Sunday, and (surprise!) NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

AS THE OW, YOU DO YOUR DUTY TO HER BY EXPOSING. What she does with the information, whether she chooses to believe you or not, whether she doesn't care - DOESN'T MATTER. That's her choice. You control you. Stop making excuses. I think you know that's all you're doing, and that your concerns are not legitimate.

You safeguard against backlash from the MM (or the BW, which I highly doubt) by preempting them at HR. You talk to HR first, (see above).

Lastly, this:

It speaks volumes. You bristled at teaser's post, wherein your sincerity was questioned. This is why. Your job, your career, your reputation - those are transient. Your morality is WHO YOU ARE.

I suggest you re-read the previous six pages of this thread until you realize just how serious this is.

We don't believe you because you haven't done the proper ACTIONS to end this affair. The proper actions are to tell the wife, write this person a NC letter, and block all avenues of contact in the future. If you work together and see each other through work, someone needs a different job. You can't just turn off "feelings." They are still there and can be rekindled at any time. Trust us, there are people that have come here just like you, trying to end their affair, haven't ended things properly, and are still continuing their affair now. Getting your emotional needs met can be quite addictive and hard to overcome on your own. That is why extraordinary precautions need to be put in place. There is not bigger extraordinary precaution than telling the wife and your employer.

Anita, why are you still here arguing with us?

Everyone here has told you to expose to his wife. You have heard that advice loudly and clearly and you are not going to take it.

Why are you still here arguing about WHY you're not going to take it? This is all just so much attention seeking.

Then what's the big deal here? The light's green.

"What about ME????"

"Can we talk some more about ME???"

"Can I get more attention if I discuss lots of hypotheticals?"

"Can I get some sympathy if I can get you to focus on how I'll be ruined?"

"WHAT ABOUT ME?????"


(The icon is a drama queen, BTW. I'm telling you because some people don't get it.)

Oh, for heaven's sake, Chrisner, what if she tells his wife and MM actually stays away from her?

What about her THEN????

Stop making it sound simple and talk about Anita a bit more.

Sorry SugarCane. You're right. I'm a pretty simple guy.

I agree - lets talk about Anita some more... like say

Here?

Her loneliness, her happiness, her vulnerability, her career, her job, her security (the career, job and security which didn't matter, apparently when she started flirting and fooling around with a co-worker but SHOCKINGLY NOW matter).

Rather than run in circles Anita, lets make some progress. Have you contacted OW yet? Have you told HR about this inappropriate relationship and asked them to change your emails? Have you changed your phone number?

Talk is cheap.

You get respect when you actually ACT in a respectful way.

There really are no acceptable excuses.

All we want you to do is tell the OMW plain and simple, no and's or but's

...fair enough...

Hi Anita

These guys mean well they really do, listen to them, you are lucky in some way that you have come here and got this advice now rather than after the affair. I wish I had!

Good luck

Hitch

Thanks for the support Hitch...I know they do

You are still getting your EN's met by this cheating manho who wants to drag you down to his level...and by continuing to receive his flirty emails EVEN IF YOU DON'T ANSWER you are letting him.

As long as you leave all those doors open by ~not~ blocking him, ~not~ contacting his wife, you remain, plain and simple, an adulteress.

We are all rooting for you to become a woman of honor and kill this affair dead.

You're killin' me, Sugar!

Guys

I think the hold up here is she does not want to tick off POSM by calling the wife, because if she does then he wont be sending her sweet texts and e mails anymore, after all she was receptive. She is attracted to him.

She clearly has no respect for boundaries, she knew he was married and yet she responded to him.

Lets call a spade a spade.

Lets remember the MB principle, if you expose you put an end to the fuel that feeds the A.
HINT HINT HINT??????

Anita.

Did you choose your screen name as a plea to the respondents here? As in, "be nice" to you?

If you needed to preface your posts, your story, what you're about with a request to be nice, don't you think there's something wrong with what you're about?

You KNOW it's wrong. You knew it when you first posted. Yet your persist in it. You're okay with that??

anita,


There is one simple issue here that you ignore.


The fact is that you have betrayed YOURSELF. You can be as angry at the Married Man as much as you want to be. You can call yourself a victim if you would like to do that. You can hypothesize all you want about the "what if" scenarios that may play out once you expose this emotional affair to the betrayed wife. You can prop yourself up for doing some things right along the way, and recognizing that what you were doing was wrong, and for knowing that you should never have started this in the first place.

Go ahead, do all of that.

None of it erases your self-betrayal, does it?

You betrayed your own sense of right and wrong when you knew that a married man was hitting on you, and when you enjoyed it. You tried to justify your going along with it by wanting to believe his weak lies about problems in his marriage, even though at the time you knew that - whether it was true or not - he remained

married.

And your self-betrayal remained

ongoing.

This anger
this sense of frustration
this desperation to preserve your honor
this scrambling to get out of the hole that has been dug

has no blame to be placed but on YOURSELF.

This is the ultimate self-betrayal, and your anger and shame is what is preventing you from telling the betrayed wife.


Because, YOU KNOW that you were 100% in step with this betrayal. It is very easy to want to place everything on the married man, and he is 100% owner of his part in the affair.

The truth is: YOU own your part.

Own up to it. Tell the betrayed wife, apologize to her with as much sincerity as you are using to avoid this. It will be the first step on the path to your own recovery from your self-betrayal,

and you may just see something come of your own self-worth after you do it.


SB

OK, I will try not to sound defensive,or in denial or ME ME ME ME...or a spade is a spade...

However, I do need to clarify something-I came up with the name in the following way:

I had a yahoo instant msng with the nick leona77_be_nice
I used it 10 years ago to chat to people in chatrooms and that was my way of telling them to be nice to me. It meant that i would block the insulting msgs and photos sent to me. I didn't want to use this nick on the forum because many of the people I know-know my nick too!

Anita is a name of the girl who had an affair with a married man. My friend was her ''shoulder to cry on'' and she told me all about Anita & how he left his wife and 2 kids 3 months into the affair and went to live with her for 2 years. After that, his wife took him back and he left Anita.
We used her story for gossip in the context ''Oh, how could she, oh stupid girl, oh that could never happen to me''

...I never want to end up in her position, so
I guess you see how I related to that name


Oh yeah, and I tried just Anita, but that name was already taken, so I used the first affix that came to mind...

Thank you Schoolbus,

I absolutely agree with everything you said...You've put it in a way I can understand best what's happening to me...

It's rather late here (01:35 am)and I've been staring in the PC for hours.

I'll try to get some sleep, but will read all your comments as soon as I get a chance.

You know what I think? I think it's not that she wants his continued attention. I think she's smart enough to realize that that way lies madness.

I think she truly believes that she will be upsetting OMW if she exposes him.

And you know what, Anita? You will. Your information will be, oh, how to say this and give it the gravity it deserves...your words will cause her world to completely tilt the other way on its axis.

Picture, if you will, a day in the life of OMW: She dotes on her husband. Loves him to distraction. Thinks he's a pillar. So do his children. And their lives are built on a perception. Their perception is that he is going to work every day, toiling for the betterment of his family. She plans her family meals around his favorite foods. She washes his yukky underwear with devotion (like I did, washing away the cum after OW sucked my husband dry, but I digress, and will stop the personal parallels here).

She pays the bills. Gets the kids from A to B on time. This is her job, like her husband has a job. She does that job with commitment and dedication, because it is important to their family.

She clips coupons. They've got to watch their money, because before you know it the kids will be ready for college, so it's wise to economize.

He gets home from work. They kiss hello. They always kiss hello and goodbye, because you never know what's going to happen in the course of a day. Your beloved could be taken from you in a heartbeat, right?

After dinner they talk about their day, laugh over private jokes. She notices nothing wrong (you know why? because you're not important enough to distract him from his main concern - his family.)You are a potential sexual distraction for him. It's too dirty for him to allow it into his home life, which is pure to him.

They put the kids to bed after an evening together watching TV, or playing a game. Then they shut off the lights and head upstairs - together. Maybe his wife will wait while he takes the dog out to pee. Maybe she'll make sure the coffee pot is ready to kick in on time tomorrow morning, so it's hot and ready for him.

Then it's lights out.They pull the covers over themselves and turn toward each other. There's a certain way they 'cuddle'- they've always done that, and tonight's no exception. They make love, and they fit like a glove, like always. And it's good, like always. She's not frigid, she's welcoming to his embrace. They cling together with the gratitude of sexual release and the comfort of knowing they will have this precious bonding every night.

Big surprise - he hasn't thought of you all night. And he doesn't now, either.

She falls asleep, warm and cozy in the knowledge that another day has gone by and her family is safe.

BUT IT'S NOT.

Your OM is a hound dog. His wife needs to know that. Because if you let this slide, preferring that someone else do the heavy lifting, she will be dealing with a WH who may be bringing home an STD, or a child by another woman.

BUST HIM TO HIS WIFE. SHE DESERVES THAT MUCH.

MB--u described my life pretty much to the tee before I found out my FWH was having an A. Blindsided is not a word used that can adequately describe the magnitude of the damage the A had caused.

My FWH met this (ok i'll be nice) "person" at our neighbors house last Halloween.( yes, 1 yr anti-versary is quickly approaching!). My neighbor found out about my H & this "person" 11/2/09, but didn't tell me in the hopes it was just them being drunk that night & didn't want to be the one to cause waves in our marriage. I found out on my own 11/17/09. My neighbor told me all the details of the OW Thanksgiving morning. In that short of a time, he became a junkie & she was his "crack". We separated, D was filed & his A lasted until 1/10. We started really talking 12/09 & trying to figure out where our M went wrong & how we ended up at this horrible point in our lives. We recommitted ourselves to each other, our family, & most importantly our M. We have been in R since 1/10. We are working very hard to make this M the best it could possibly be & over all we're doing great.

Anita, I retell this extremely painful story with the hopes that you will do the right thing & tell that man's wife the truth. You see, once my H & I really started talking & delving into what happened between us, I came to the realization that I wasn't totally innocent in this whole situation either. I wasn't doing my part as his wife to meet his needs.(although that still is no reason for an A).

Please give his W the chance to save her M & be the W he needs her to be & the W she wants to be for him. This was a courtesy that wasn't afforded to me. I so wish it was. A lot of pain & heartache might be avoided if she has the knowledge of what's going on w her H & they can make changes to better their M should they choose to do so. She deserves this.

Please do the right thing.

Well, I was hoping to get up this morning and read that good had triumphed over evil, and that Anita was taking her first steps to recovery from this multi-level betrayal.

Guess I'll go get some mint hot chocolate to pass the time.

ooooo I think I shall join you on the hot chocolate, Neak.

*jealous* though... I have no mint, just regular hot chocolate.

Hope today is the day Anita decides she wants to be able to look herself in the mirror again.

Anita,

I know it sucks, but you have to tell OMW. It is the right thing to do.

You see, he�s been playing you. He only wants one thing. If he really wanted to leave his wife, then he would have done so already. What he wants is to keep his family and his kids while getting some action on the side.

You have fulfilled that for him so far and he just. Can�t. Close. The. Deal!

He�s so close he can�t stand it.

Yes, you got really close to crossing the line, but I want to commend you for not doing so. The people here have been hitting you with 2x4s, but we all still commend you for not taking that step. It�s the final step that you MUST take that we are encouraging you to do.

As time passes you will see that OM is really a scumbag.

I would also let the HR department know that he�s been hitting on you, that you flirted back a bit at first, but his advances are no longer welcome. If it continues it will lead to a sexual harassment suit.

THAT will put a quick stop to his continuing contact with you.

I don�t agree that YOU are the one that needs to change jobs. HE is the one that should do so if at all.

And we faithful men are out there. I don�t hang out at bars, BTW. And I�m now taken and happily married. I�d like to suggest e website that makes you take tests to match you up. That�s how I met my wife.

Finally, if he does it with you, he�ll do it to you.

Here you go, Vibrissa - will these do in a pinch? Not a bad go-with, dontcha think? Scoot over and I'll wait on Anita with you.

Mmmm thankee MB. I love thin-mints and DH hates mint so I always get them all to myself, we're mutually enthusiastic about this arrangement .

Anita,

THIS is an excellent solution to this problem. It also happens to be the truth.

I hope your silent b/c you're talking to OMW.

Oh, good! It's a POJA!

Thank you for the clarification, (though the point still stands that you know what's right and what's wrong here).

You were quick to correct the wrong against you in my making assumptions about your screen name.

Now, if only you were so quick to correct the much more egregious wrong of withholding this information about infidelity from OM's BW...

Anita I just want you to know this...

A poster wrote this today...

Right at this moment I am not even capable of a cohesive thought.

I guess one of the things that is paralyzing me right now is just how far back the cheating goes. It makes a mockery of a big part of my life.

I am just not sure what is real and what is not anymore.

The enormity of this is becoming overwhelming.

This is even worse than D DAY, and I thought it could not get any worse.

I feel like running to the lawyer's office and just say file the papers, because I am thinking that step is the first to taking back control over my life and me.

If you do not take any action of telling his wife, then this is what her life will be like. 10 years down the road finding out that her husband had multiple affairs, sleeping with all sorts of woman. You may think you are saving a marriage by not letting her now, but you are COMPLETELY WRONG!!

By not saying anything you are giving this woman a life full of LIES!

SapphireReturns, can you add a link to that post/thread?

Link

(working on my linking skills)

TY VIB

Can I do the righ thing AND think of myself and my reputation at the same time???
I am a victim MYSELF. I am a victim of his manipulation, mind games and seducing techniques. I am voulnerable, too. I ama victim of my own guilt, if you wish.
I rejected,refused and dismissed his offers to come and pick me up & to come back to my room after a night out...I repeatedly told him what he tried to do is wrong for him, unfair to his wife and children and that he needed to seek help.

Once, over a weekend when his wife was at her parents' place, he texted me:
''I am with my sis, her husband, my mom and the kids, you are missing ''
I got so angry with him & for the courage to write such a manipulative thing as to making me believe I belonged, that I replied:

'' How dare you say that. It's your wife who is missing, not me! Don't make me call her and tell her this, please!''

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, YOU ARE A WILLING PARTICIPANT WHO IS HELPING TO DESTROY A M....

I cannot understand for the life of me how the OW feels she was betrayed and was a victim. My FWH tried to play the victim role with me by saying the XOW begged him to sleep with her. I saw the text msgs but as I told him your "NO" needs to be NO! How many of us haven't been asked to drop our morals, but those of us who know right from wrong and aren't willing to compromise our values are not constantly approached by predators who have no respect for M.

You had an EA with this MM, therefore you have already betrayed the BS and violated a M. It kept coming after you because you were playing footsies with him and he knew that you weren't a woman who has integrity and one who would compromise her self-worth for some MM who is going home to his W. It should have been an insult from the very first inappropriate act he displayed to you and you should have put him in his place and let him know that you are not going to be his wh*re.

Now that you haven't done that, you have a responsibility to expose what you and him did to his BS. You were just as guilty as MM in helping to stomp on the vows that she took seriously. You enabled her H to make a mockery out of their M. You aren't telling the BS because you are ashamed because you know that what you did was wrong. You can gain back some honor by telling her the truth. Maybe doing the right thing will cause good things to come to you and maybe one day you will meet a man who is available.

This MM is feeding you garbage and you were lapping it up like a teenager. Have some dignity and put an end to this madness permanently by exposing what you did with her H. It's not her fault that you are 33, have never been M and now you are trying to steal another woman's H. Maybe the reason you have never been M is that your self esteem is too low to attract a decent guy, therefore this MM was safe (IDK). The fact that you engaged in an EA with this guy tells that you don't love yourself enough to not be disrespected by a man.

As far as saving your reputation goes, your reputation may look good to those who don't know you were sneaking around with a MM, but you are acting like trash by doing that, therefore your reputation is a farse.

This isn't a "childish mess".

You have crossed CLEAR lines, and it's too late to say, Oops, I was manipulated into this and try to jump back over to the other side. You ARE the "Other Woman" in this scenario which is a full blown emotional affair.

You ignored all the signals that you surely got along the way that you were going down the wrong path because the attention you were getting made you feel good. You were getting some emotional needs met and you were meeting some in order to keep the cycle going.

You will continue to want OM's attentions and it will continue to make you feel good. This is pretty evident in your posts that give us unnecessary details of his messages to you.

Obviously, there was a small part of you that was listening to that voice telling you this is the wrong path or you wouldn't be here. I hope I can appeal to that part of you because if you don't make some major changes you are going to end up in a full blown PA.

Unfortunately, us telling you what a slimebucket OM is to do this to his wife IS NOT enough to give you the willpower to stop this on your own, which you have indicated several times that you feel is the solution.

The addictive nature of affairs is TOO POWERFUL which Dr. Harley has written about. Most of us have seen this IRL and/or on the boards time & again.

ALL OF US here know how this is going to end if you don't warn your victim, the BW, the train wreck her life is heading for. The advice you have gotten from everyone, including former wayward spouses, is pretty clear.

Are you ready to stop this and do the right thing?? Or are you going to keep ignoring the warnings??

Hmmm

Does anyone find it interesting that Anita has not posted today?

What do you want to bet that she is not going to take the advice that was given?

What would you say if I suggested that she was already far gone in her relationship with OM?
Just a thought, it may very well be that I am feeling particularly bitter today.

Fabulous skills, m'dear. Thanks!

I need to clarify something that I posted in my very first post. I wrote:

I have been knowing a colleague for over e yera now and never thought of him as someone I could like,bceause married men are ''off limits'' according to me...I've grown to know him oevr this last year (e-mails, visits to office, text msg)and I kind of like him, but never thought about acting on that..

The first text msgs he had sent me on my phone were about a year ago when I was off sick and staying home for 5 days. He was visiting my office at the time and had learnt I was home sick. The msgs then did not cause me to doubt his intentions because they were of friendly nature and jusk asking if there was something he could do to help, or something I needed buying.

I think that�s why I kind of liked him, because I thought he is such a considerate person to offer that�I did not know that he was only meeting my EN, I didn�t even assume. I wish I had known what a horrible cheating sc**bag he was back then�

After that, the e-mails we exchanged over the last year were once a month approximately & were not beyond jokes/normal conversations. Maybe a total of 15 e-mails max in the whole year. But they did the trick, apparently�.
The open hitting started about a month ago, as I said�That�s when he expressed he would like to take things further�.you know the rest.

Hi all,

Even thought I did not post anything, I�ve been reading all the comments.

I guess you�ll say I am me me me, but I feel the need to tell you this�

The reason why I have not been able to write is because yesterday was the most difficult day for me. I could not work properly at work becaue I was swamped with guilt and I could not get your comments out of my head. The fact that I was in PMS did not help. I took a day off to be able to help me cope with the stress. I got back home and I could not stop crying. I am awake now after 12 hours of sleep & still not feeling any better.

Yesterday, I took his wife�s details, home nuber and address from a file at work. I stole them when nobody was watching. I hope they are up-to-date and that nobody will find out I stole personal information & abused my official duty by doing so. It made me feel I have done yet another wrong thing.

I exposed all the information to my closest friends and family members about this. I told them I stopped replying to his messages alltogether since Friday.They all told me I was wrong to even do it in the first place, but they said it�s good that I stoped. They told me I should not, by any means, call his wife and cause even more trouble by messing up their marriage. They said that it is in my best interest not to.

Of course, I know what the right thing to do is, but I did not attempt to convince them. I didn�t have the energy for that because I know they are only thinking of my well-being, not that of the wife.

Their support did not make me feel any better or any less guilty.

However, one of their reasons not to call her scared me to death:

I did mention to you once I live in the Balkans.
I guess this is a US forum and you presume same Laws and Regulations apply here. Unfortunately they don�t.

The married man is a muslim Albanian from Kosovo and I am an orthodox from the neighbouring country of Macedonia. I don�t know how much of history you have on the recent events of the break up of Yugoslavia, but here isa link of their Law of Lek Dukagjin explaining why a ��blood revenge�� occurs.
The conflict between Kosovo & Serbia also left the region with a lot of arms and almost every household in Kosovo holds a gun. Guns are widely used for celebrations during weddings,where shots are fired in the air.
Please google any of the information and you will see I am not just making things up. The following link is just one of the many

http://www.gendercide.org/case_honour.html

I am truly scared for my well-being. I don�t know how the wife or her brothers/fathers/male cousins will react. The nightmare I am in right now makes me want to just call & wish that they DO come after me and beat me up or even kill me. I am torturing myself to THAT extent that I�d rather die!!!
But my gut feeling is telling me that I might not have committed such a big sin as to deserve to die. Or have I� I am losing my mind over this. Am I going crazy�

Maybe I am ovverreacting, but how do I know that she won�t go crazy and do something extreme when I give her this information? How do I know what her state of mind is like?

I don�t expect you to support me or help me how to protect myself.
I know that this forum is not �how to help adulterers with feelings of guilt & fear of consequences�

I know that you are looking things trhough the wife�s perspective and that you want what�s best for her & what is RIGHT VS. WRONG thing to do.

I know it�s not your job to pat me on the back and say: ��Oh well, you poor adultress, we would like to save your life first and then think about the unsuspecting wife��

I know I was wrong and I know I will be wrong if I conceal this vital information about her life.
I just can�t bring myself to do the right thing without fear of looking behind my back all the time being scared if the wife�s family comes after me. In their book, it�s even worse that I am orthodox. �
I have my own life to save,too & I have vital information that could help me save it�
I am becoming paranoid now�But that�s my problem.

You must think I am making up excuses & trying to avoid feeling the consequences that I deserve to feel.

I know that to you I am skunk, whore, spade, mistress, someone who crossed the boundaries, someone with no self-repect, no honour or integrity etc etc�

Trust me, the e-mails and texts he sent me after I spoke to you guys made me feel exactly like that�
And I don�t have an emotional need to feel like that!
I know you�ll say that me not blocking his e-mail is just enjoying the messages, but it�s not. Every
one that he�s sent after I spoke to you, is like a knife being stabbed at me. It�s like a spit in the face, like some of you said. It�s making me feel sick to the stomack & angry I allowed to be that OW in the first place. It disturbs me to the point I am not able to fogrive myself and concentrate properly on anything else.

One more thing that is worrying me. Not all laws work like in the UK& USA.Mentioning a harassment lawsuit sounded rediculous to my family. The system is designed that way that if will always protect the men, not the women. If he only keeps inasmuch as one flirty e-mail from me, they will say I asked for it and tried to break up their marriage.

As I said, I am not going to ask for your ��forgiveness�� about telling/not telling the wife& HR

You have made it clear to me as to who the victim is.And I agree. You have also sobered me up to see what a filth the married man is. I understand that I participated & I am not a victim.

I AM ENDLESSLY GRATEFUL FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND HELP IN DOING THIS�

You�ve done a great job of waking me up & finding the strength to go back to my old self who knew right from wrong, but got lost in her need not to feel lonely and did this terrible thing. I am now stuck at this point and I need some peace�.

That is why I am explaining myself to you. I feel I owe it to you. I didn�t just want to disappear without giving you this information.

I will go and block his number on my phone because I just received a text while I was writing this. At least I can do that without any problem. As for the daily e-mails at work, I still get them, but I don�t reply, nor I intend to.

I might even talk to my Line Manager so that she can give him a call and warn him to stop e-mailing me at work because it disturbs my peace and concentration. I think she�ll understand me and be discreet about it.

After that, I have an appointment with a pshychiatrist today. My sister and I need to discuss some issues about my mother and how to help her cope with her divorce. I will use that opportunity to ask him about what he thinks about my fears. I might be overreacting out of shame, but I need to clear my head up.
I don�t want to go and do something with good intentions that could endanger people�s lives. I�ve done enough bad.

I don�t expect you to trust me because you say �Actions speak louder than words� and that I am just jystifying my actions� but that�s all I have at the moment�

I have still not given up on telling the wife. I just can�t be pressed and pushed! I need to think straight & I hope you�ll find it in your hearts to respect that. I need to do things in my own time.

I won�t blame you if you don�t.

I might not be posting for a while. I might post immediately. I might not post ever.

One thing I know.The nightmare of the EA is so over and I regret it deeply.

THANK YOU AGAIN

p.s.

Teaser, I read your story & I am sorry this happened to you. I just feel the need to tell you that a physical thing did not occur between me and the married men. Nothing more than a peck on the cheek for good bye, like I did with all the other colleagues, both feemale and male. He DID hold my hand a little longer than appropriate and started giving me compliments, but I rushed out of the car saying what he was doing was wrong. I left his town the next day. That�s when the messaging began. You know the rest from this thread.

None of what you wrote will convince anyone here, Anita. But you need to think about why you feel it so important to get validation from an anonymous message board populated mostly by people on another continent. Easy to see why you would fall for OM in the first place.

Anita,

Calm down. No one is going to take revenge on you. You haven't done enough to be revenge-worthy. You just let OMW wife know that while you didn't realize it at the time, you probably had an inappropriate friendship with OM and then he asked you to take it physical. That is when you decided to end the relationship and contact her. You are doing so because you would want to know if your husband was trying to fool around on you. Then you send a NC email to OM (I would do email because then it is documented for your company), telling him it was inappropriate to proposition you and any further contact and you will report him for harassment. He won't contact you after that, and if he does, you now have documentation to give to your company.

Anita, I know you feel awful about this, but once you tell OMW and get this burden off your chest, you will start feeling a lot better, I promise.

I�m going to disagree with everyone here and may catch flack for it. If you were dealing with Americans, I�d say you should expose. Given the history, location, religions, and tensions involved, I say walk away, shut off all contact, and never communicate with him again.

Given the �honor killings� that are often executed against girls for even just talking to a boy, I wouldn�t mess with this.

We�re not talking about a group that has the same mores we do. Adulterers are stoned to death, shot, etc. It�s also often not the men who pay the price. Somehow this will be turned around and she will be made out to be the evil seductress and temptress that must be eliminated.

Inform this man that you find his behavior reprehensible and that you will never communicate with him again. Then cutoff all your contact and means of contact to him.

I completely support what we advocate in MB for Americans or culturally similar ethnicities. In this case, I err on the side of safety.

I commend you for stopping this before it got worse and for acting on your conscience. Now walk away, learn, and live in peace and make with yourself, your God, and your family.

Considering this is a part of the world where killing is common over simply being the wrong ethnic group, I say don�t mess with it.

Feel free to disagree with me if you wish, but I strongly believe that many military members that have been to this part of the world or know anything about it would advise the same.

Life is cheap there.

I know the situation and I live in a country not too far from either Albania or Macedonia.
I would advice against following the traditional MB steps in this situation just as helpthelostd has suggested.
We have to consider different cultures here before we give suggestions. In some situations exposing etc...might be too risky.
Blessing

My XH's neice was an Army nurse in Saudi Arabia and she saw a young girl stoned to death for some type of sexual "crime." [I think the girl was found to have had sex before marriage] I wouldn't take the chance of being killed, Anita.

The world is an unsafe place Anita. I'm not real familiar with your area, but if there is a very REAL danger this could be twisted in such a way as your life is in danger I would agree - don't take the chance.


I would do this immediately. His continued contact with you is unwelcome and constitutes as harassment.

Learn from this - communication outside of work from a married man, while seemingly 'innocent' and 'friendly' can easily become inappropriate. You should never have ANY sort of personal, friendly contact with a married man. EVER. You say hi at work and that's where it MUST stop.

Is there any way you can alert his wife anonymously that her husband is prowling around for some action?

It sounds like in particular you as an Orthodox should try to keep your friendly relationships to men of your own religion/ethnicity, for safety reasons.

I agree. If I lived in a culture where adultery - or even flirting - could mean a death sentence, I might be motivated to control myself.

I am willing to accept that I don't know enough about your culture to advise for or against exposure, though if you had a safe, anonymous way to let her know that he is actively trying to cheat, I hope you would take it.

HOWEVER

Either those continuing texts and emails are meeting an EN for you and you still enjoy them on some level,

or

they truly are a knife in the back, rubbing your nose in your guilt.

Either way, why would you let them continue, knowing that it's wrong? Do whatever you need to do to block them and cut off contact with this guy.

Why wait?

I was waiting because I thought the messages would stop if I don't encourage them. I see that it's not working, so is NC e-mail such as this one firm enough? Please let me know if i should be adding more/less:

''I have not replied to your e-mails and text messages because I wanted you to stop contacting me.
This is the last message I will ever write to you. Don�t contact me ever again.
If you do, I will understand it as an insult & provocation and I will report you for harassment.''

Also, thanks to everyone who undesrtands the region I live in.

Let me clarify that there is no official government law that stones people to death or kills them for adultery, like in some of the countries you mentioned.
However,there are other mentality issues,ethnicity issues and people have suffered violence around here, which might encourage some people to act according to ''honour laws'' that are not enforced by the state, but by beliefs.

I don't know how risky it is and I am not willing to take a chance to find out.

I could inform her anonimously, but someone around here suggested it's not a good idea. I don't even know what i would write to make her believe me instead of him if I didn't put the bills and my name.

I am going for my appointment now, but I will read your comments later.

Inform her anonymously so your life is not in danger, but either way she does have a right to know. And if you are still afraid for your life put a restraining order on the OM.

Even if she doesn't believe you then and there, she will begin to be watchful. Sooner or later, she will see what she needs to know.

Also, in the first sentence of your email, change "wanted" to "want", at least if you're writing to him in English. It carries a much more urgent message. Wanted means oh yeah well I kinda sorta didn't like you emailing me, but that might have change by now, so why not email a few more times and see what happens? Want means I will no longer have anything to do with you and you'd better knock it off buster!

Almost all A's begin with seemingly innocent friendship. I hope for your sake that you will guard vigilantly against this all the rest of your life.

Anita. I hope you won't take this post as harsh or unempathetic. Certainly a very real threat to your life is something to take seriously. I just wanted to make a few points:

*While not from your region, and not that learned in the nuances of culture and tradition and discord there, the concept of honor killings you are proposing would be much more in line with the men of YOUR family coming after you, not the men from the family of the MMW.

Moreover, in accordance with patriarchal honor, their beef would be with the MM, not you.

Again, I am certainly not clear on the details. I just want to make sure I'm making sense of all of this, and that any misconceptions are cleared up.


*Please, please get on top of blocking avenues of contact from the MM. Block his phone number, emails, etc. You can't just close your eyes and hope it all goes away. Please be proactive about ending this and guaranteeing NC.

It's easy to follow our feeeeeeelings - you need to implement extraordinary precautions on top of that so that, should your feelings of disgust now ever change to something more favorable towards the MM, you will have the appropriate guards in place. (e.g., not being able to contact him, receive contact from him, etc.)

Be safe, but also be smart and do the hard work required to end all of this.

This should do it. But I would caution you to change your cell and email completely, as opposed to just blocking him.

I'd send OM an email from work telling him to stop contacting you like the others here suggested.

If its too dangerous to contact the OMW, then I wouldn't bother to contact her anonymously either. If she takes you seriously and does some digging, she may expose your identity anyways. In a perfect world, its always great to notify the betrayed spouse, but not when it could create a life-threatening situations.

Just block him at work and on your phone and notify him that you'll report him if he emails you again. Make sure to tell him his behavior as a married man is reprehensible. Then write him off and move on with your life.