My WW is now upset because our children learned about her affairs over X-mas. The children are D23 and D21 and S13, and the S13 is telling her that he is upset with her and to go away he does not want to talk to her, or see her. My WW moved out in June 2010, so we have been seperated for over 6 months now. We were beginning to make some good progress, but now she is telling me that she does not have the warm fuzzy feeling for me she had just 1-4 weels ago. I know this is the "I Am Mad" personality talking, so I just remain calm and let her know that the sooner we get back to recovery the sooner our family will get better. I have read lots and lots of threads on here about all these topics, and this site is a wealth of knowledge and experience for those who have already been down this rocky road. I am not seeing much humility in her, and she was telling me about some landmark case where a guy used his wifes emails to expose the truth and now he was in trouble. I am like most everyone on MB in that I do not believe that either person is entitled to lead a private life inside of their marriage, and they are not allowed to keep secrets because as Dr H clearly states it is the secrets that lead to affairs. I read a post here a few weeks ago about someone possibly being sued over using the spouse emails to expose the affair, so plaese guide me to that thread. I still do not believe it would stand up to the LITMUS test, but crazy things can happen. Also, just wondering from others how long it takes in general for a WW to get over being mad about the children learning about the affair. Thanks for all the great help.

Thats great! Anyone else you haven't exposed to?

Hopefully all of your children have had a word with her?

Take any advice Mel gives you and don't worry.

Like the oldtimers say (and I'm one)..."Your m can survive your ww being angry, but your M can't survive an ema".

She'll get over it. Don't worry about it. My x went ape crap after I exposed, and I'm still breathing. No lawsuit.

How can they sue you for spreading the truth? Think it through. More likely, she is angry because she is found out. She isn't perceived as an angel anymore. Her halo is tarnished and the kids know why she's not been a good mommy for a while now.

She is using scare tactics to try to get some semblance of her cake-eating lifestyle as she had before with two men meeting her main EN's in private. Affairs hate exposure because when it's revealed to THINKING people (people not in em)it's kinda actually quite ugly, the process of trying to break apart a marriage and family. So it's not widely accepted and she's feeling the effects of widespread truth right now.

Let them suffer the effects of truth. I exposed. I sure did. I even subpoenae'd the ow, heck TWO of them. I put their NAMES in the divorce papers and stated WHY I got a divorce. Not a slap on the wrist for anything I did. Why?

It's the truth, and sometimes the truth is ugly. That's why your ww is angry.

She can get over being mad. But your marriage can't get over a prolonged and unrepentant affair. Think on that and relax. You did the right thing.

Don't worry about the legal stuff. You have a right to know if you're being exposed to STDs, which you were since she was no longer monogamous. Use that as your defense. You had to know if your life was in danger.

Too easy to defend for a good lawyer.

And you have a right to look at stuff on a computer that is marital property or install any software that helps you get the info you need.

You can also claim you guessed the passwords and they were easy to guess or that she left her pages in plain sight.

All to easy to defend.

Thanks all for the great replys...
I especially like to read the replys from the ladies like ML, Vibrissa, etc...
It helps me with the different angles and spins on what is taking place...
I am not real worried about any legal BS because I too believe that I have a right to protect myself from STD's and too protect our children from harm that could be brought on by one of these OM...
I believe that would stand up in any court...
I agree that she is PO'ed that her image is tarnished, and that she does not look like the good suburban housewife...
The MB site has helped me to maintain my equanimity thru all of this...
Thanks for all you guys and gals do...
It does not go unnoticed and is greatly appreciated.

And now all her emails are NATIONAL NEWS!! Her adultery is splashed across the nation's top newspapers. I am giddy with excitement at the prospect of a court trial which rehashes her adultery and drags all of her adulterous emails out into the public arena. Is your wife wanting a little of that action? That would go over great in WEST TEXAS! I wonder if West Texas farmers would find a poor fella guilty just for catching his cheating wife?

One thing you can do to appeal to her regaining at some later date (after transparency, repentance, and the nc letter and all conditions of recovery being met, and nc for life), she needs to know she could become that good suburban wife again.

That is key. My xh had kinda backed himself into a corner b/c the ow (now w) was pregnant. So he couldn't ever regain in his mind, that status of being the "good guy" again, but your ww could. He even once told me "whats the use? I'll always be seen as the guy who cheated now (after having the child out of wedlock)".

Give her a carrot. Maybe a different kind of carrot (the regaining dignity carrot and the path to getting it back) but never forget the stick.

Wish you well!

Peatchie,
All very excellent points...
I will give her the option of getting "her the good suburban housewife status back"...
But so far she is not having alot of humility...she still acts rather cocky about all the affairs...like she was entitled...
If she finds some regret, remorse, and humility we might be able to move forward with a positive recovery...
Thanks for the great replys...

I talked with her this afternoon, and she is still quoting the information about some guy in Mich. that was arrested for looking at his wife's emails and finding out she was having an affair. I still do not see any of these cases making it to a court room. Any additional information that anyone might have about these snooping cases is much appreciated. Thanks.

Don't respond just change the subject. WW is trying to make you afraid to do anything that will hinder her having an affair.

She is trying to intimidate you. That case is not going to be won. And your children deserved to know. Honestly, if she didn't want them thinking badly of her, she should had been faithful. And I say that as a FWW.

She CAN still set an example for her children of what humility, taking responsibility for your actions, and making amends looks like. She can show her kids that it is possible to right ones' self after making a terrible choice. But she has to DO it.

Don't let her tie you in a knot. This is happening because of what SHE did, not because you snooped or because you told the kids or any of that. This is on HER.

And yes, listen to ML. She's very good at cutting through the garbage and giving good direction.

Yep, I've got info for you. That lawsuit was filed with the help of a politically hungry attorney who is looked down upon by her peers. It is a lawsuit that will be torn to shreds by any halfway-competent attorney. She is becoming a laughingstock among her peers. Her litigation history is poor.

Okay all good points...
I believe a person has a right to find out what a spouse is doing to:
Protect themselves from HIV and STD's
Protect the safety of children from serious danger because unknown OM are being allowed in the family home
Protect family finances and bank accounts from theft due to OM being allowed in the family home
Protect against a wife getting pregnant and having a lawsuit
Protect against wreckless endangerment

I am like everyone else here at MB...
I listened to the Clara Walker case, and this woman is really out of line and I do not see any of these cases being won...
The above reasons are the best defense...
Please add any replys...
Thanks...

When she brings up the case, play the part of indifference. Say, "I could care less about that case. I think it's great that her emails will be introduced into evidence and that her adultery will be a matter of public record. I also don't think any of that will be held against the man since he has a right to protect himself from STDs since his wife is messing around. We all have that right to self defense, especially if there is a risk of life threatening diseases. So I don't care about him. In fact, he's my hero.

What about you and your adultery or do you still want to discuss a case that has nothing to do with us?"

If she brings it up again, say, "Fine. I'll go to jail then. I could care less. You've cheated and I caught you. Don't change the subject."

In other words, show no fear by calling her bluff.

17m4, you shouldn't even be discussing snooping with her. YOU SHOULD JUST BE DOING IT!

Slap a keylogger on her computer, put a bug on her phone, GPS her car, spy like a blood hound!! Don't waste time arguing about snooping! Just do it!!

And did you point out to her that old WW in that Michigan case is having her affairs dragged through the press???? Tell her how funny that is!! And tell her how funny something like would be in COURT TRIAL IN WEST TEXAS WITH FARMERS AND GOOD OLD BOYS IN THE JURY!!

Tell her you are giddy with excitement at the prospect!

Mel,
I am continuing with my info program...
It is wild that these folks want to go in a legal direction rather than take responsibility for their own actions...
I am like you in that I would welcome all her affairs being dragged thru the news and newspapers...
The Mich woman Clara Walker will have to leave the state of Mich. when she is finished with her parade...
I am not sure if a woman like that could rebuild their suburban housewife status...

It is wonderful to watch an infidel hoist herself on her own petard in such a national way!

Since the kids know about her affairs tell her to go ahead a try and put the father of her kids in jail over this. Ask her how she plans on explaining this to the kids? Its a empty threat that won't succeed in court anyways.

Hey 17m4, here's another Michigan case for your wife to gnaw on:

http://record-eagle.com/local/x71339600/Two-men-dead-in-apparent-murder-suicide

Sad. All shades of wrong but one of the potential destructive consequences of adultery abuse.

Has anyone read a good commentary/editorial about the Walker snooping case? I've been looking for one.

I like that you call it your info program.

A truthful information program indeed!

Very sad indeed. However, it would be a BAD idea for 17m4 to show this article to his wife who could possibly stretch it as a threat of violence. If she's already talking lawsuits, this would be ammunition for her to use.

I agree...
I do not plan on showing her the article...
Always doing the CYA program...
Thanks for the posts...
My WW is crazy enough that I believe she would try to take legal action...
It would ruin her in this town and general geograpical area, but she normally does not think things thru to see what the outcome might be...
With all the affairs it is obvious that she does not think things thru...
I am taking precautions...it always pays to be safe...
Thanks.

17m4, I would really play this up and paint a picture for her. Tell her how wouldn't that be terrible if a wayward pulled such a stunt here in the Texas Bible belt? "In these kind of cases all the emails along with evidence of the affair are dragged through the press." Then wonder out loud if the WW regrets having her dirty laundry paraded from Miami to Seattle. "I wonder how that would go over out here in the Texas Bible belt?"

Mel,
I decided that if she wants to make this public knowledge then I am more than happy to go in that direction with her...
It is not me who will get slammed in the dirt...
I know she used to love that show "Desperate Housewives", but this would make that look like kids play...
I am "giddy with excitement"
Thanks...

Our S13 is putting the pressure on WW to move back home, and to work at rebuilding our family...
Our S13 has been rejecting her and not talking to her...telling her to go away, etc...
The WW told me she does not like the term wayward wife, and please use some other term...
WW is now talking about moving back, but with conditions...
I have not told her there cannot be any conditions...
Any move back must meet Dr Harley's terms within the books HN/HN and Love Busters...or no deal...

Our children learning about her affairs has really upset her...
She said I should never have released that info...and I am a bad robot...
Okay tell me more...

Here is a better term "adulteress".
Have your DS13 set the conditions for WW comming back. I am only somewhat kidding, but who knows, it might help all of you out. It seems he is affected by this almost as much as you.

you are not being a bad robot, you are just being honest with your kids. I think they have every right to know what is happening to the structure of the family. That way they are not suprised that WW is living outside of the house.

Threatening exposure does not help. I would not use it as leverage in the future.

Just wanted to say "Way to go!" on what you're doing. Be strong and stick to your guns. She doesn't dictate conditions of a return. She must agree to yours or no deal.

When she tells you that you're at fault for the kids, turn it back on her. "I wouldn't have had to say anything if you hadn't had an affair. If you hadn't committed adultery. YOU put us in that situation and the kids have a right to know when their family is being consciously destroyed. Don't put it on me. Your actions led us here. I'm doing what I need to to keep this family together."

Then walk away or hang up.

Update,
I went to my IC appointment yesterday, and the Marriage counselor had met with my WW two hours earlier...
My WW told him that she knew that I was the one that released this info to our children, and especially to our S13...

This is my last time to go see this MC because you have to be very careful about which MC you use...

The MC/IC told my wife that I was in the wrong to have released any info about the WW affairs to our S13...
The MC said he bet that his other MC friends would take his same position in all of this...
We have been going to see this MC for over 6 months now.
I read the printed info from Dr Harley about telling the children about the affairs and the positive outcome that Dr H has seen that I took to the appt. with me and the MC still said I was in the wrong to have released any info...
The MC is just siding with my WW because he has seen her longer and she is telling him how upset she is...

The MC finally said at the end that if the WW was still in contact with these OM that she needed to stop all contact and recommit to our marriage before we would ever be able to start a positive recovery. (duh)
The WW was still in touch with the OM up until the exposure happened and now I believe it has stopped cold turkey.

The small little tidbits that I received from this MC I had already gotten from reading Dr. Harley's books, and my wife had read the Dr H. books, but did not want to follow the books because she was still in contact with the OM.

The bottom line is that you cannot start to rebuild your marriage until your WW stops all contact with the OM, and it usually takes Exposure to stop all contact with the OM.

I still firmly believe in the power of exposure because we would not even be started on the road to recovery had Exposure not halted my WW contact with the OM.

So, please understand that some MC are out to lunch and do not believe in Exposure, and they will tell you not to do it, but take this with a grain of salt.

I am not blaming this MC because he does 7-10 different kinds of counseling and he does not specialize in pure MC, and this is why I like Dr Harley and the Dr H. methods...
The Dr H. methods are easy to understand and easy to follow and they make sense...they pass the Litmus test...
The Dr H methods bring good results...
Thanks.

I am going to start using a MC from our church...
We are Lutheran...

Ask him if he understands and incorporates Marriage Builders concepts in his counselling.

MC can be damagnig because they side with one or the other spouse. They drudge up old bad history, and I think cause more problems. They have no idea how to reach people who are in affairs, and don't understand that it is more than a couple fighting or having regular issues.

As far as i am concerned I burned money at the MC trying to get my FWW to stop the affair. Now I want to walk into his office and say, "You are wrong".

P.S. Our MC also had a couple side buisnesses, and practiced general counseling part time Tues-Thurs type of thing.

babe can we do that?? I soo would want to see his face!! He did not do a good job but then again he was working with a WW and WW LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE!! >.<

I think about it all the time. At least he got that I was depressed.....duh!

Here is a helpful article about what you can expect from a marriage counselor if their program works:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

I've been to three counselors before I came here, and all of them had issues although some had some helpful ideas. Before going to another counselor I would seriously want to evaluate them in the light of the plan presented in that article.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time when there is a spouse in an active affair. You would be better off getting a pedicure.

Oooh, right, this is an active A. Scratch the MC, 17. It won't gain you a thing.

My WW is now trying to tell me that the several OM that she was involved with were all married OM are decent guys. I told her that a decent married guy does not get involved with another married woman and set about wrecking both families on both sides. I told her they were POSOM...dirtbag and trashbag OM. I have been trying to save our marriage for 7 months now, and I am starting to envision a life with just our Son 13 and myself, and our two daughters come to visit us. I have even caught myself daydreaming about another woman, and how nice it would be to have a relationship with someone that I could talk and share feelings with. Anyway, just my idle daydreaming thoughts.

Have you told the OMW'S?? if not then that would be on my priority list

A few have been told, but I cannot (yet)get all the info on everyone of them. I continue with my info program, but this could take 3 months. I question my resolve to continue with all of this each day. Thanks for all the feedback.

What kind of info do you need??

If you have a first name of Steve, and the WW will not give you any additional info...you have to work hard at getting the rest of the info. It all takes time. Thanks.