Hello everyone. My husband has been posting on here for a while now for support and advice. He had an affair, one night stand, in 2005 while out of town and a love interest that was staying in our neighborhood. (2 different women) We were just getting back together after separating for the 2nd woman. We separated because I decided I wanted a baby and we had initially agreed that we would not. (I was 21 and he was 31 when we met) However he also had a love interest, so that rushed the process of me moving out so he could see what would happen with that. I did not find about the out of town affair until after I was pregnant with my now 4 year old. I basically just swept it under the rug and did not really talk about it. Throughout our marriage he has told me he needs to sleep with someone else. He needed to experience other people, friends of mine... I was never enough for him. THen in 2009 he began a relationship with a women that lived out of town, I thought they were childhood friends reconnecting. Ended in Jan of 2010. Anyways,I noticed that he was spending all time on computer chatting with her and they were spending up to 6 hours a day on phone. He started treating me horribly. He did not want to talk to me or spend time with me. I told him to no longer speak to the other women and he agreed. Actually he went and bought a prepaid cell phone and made up another email account so I wouldnt know. We went and stayed at her and her family's home and then she and her hubby vacationed at our home. He told me how she made him feel alive again, that they were best friends, how she could make him laugh and cheer him up in no time! She had planned to move her family here so they could be together. So, then he and my BF kissed and she told me so I left and got my own place. Now here I am trying to make it work. He has changed he was really really great for a while!! He would actually go out and do things with me and treat me very nice. He just cant handle me being upset with him. I am unable to open up to him. I am considering moving out which I have told him. I am emotionally drained! So there it is.

We have stopped going to counseling ( my choice) and are no longer reading books and doing the exercises that will help improve the marriage, also my choice. I am just tired and still angry about everything. If you read his posts you can see he is genuine with his apologies.

I would not even consider staying with him unless he ends ALL opposite sex friendships and takes extraordinary precautions to protect you from a repeat affair. He is a serial cheater and most women will not waste their time on such a bad risk.

What is he doing to protect you from a repeat affair?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, TB.

I may have read this on your WH's thread, but please confirm for us:
Has your WH written a NC (no contact) letter to the OW? Has he made himself completely transparent to you?

Has the OW's husband been told?

That is a very dangerous attitude. What he basically said here was that he had a "need" to abuse you. And then he commenced to abuse you with his affairs. This is a cheater who purposely went out and looked for it. And did it with your friend. This is very dangerous.

How is his attitude now?

Read here.

Just do a gender-swap.

This is indeed the only way your marriage can recover.

Ditto. There is no chance you can save your marriage unless he agrees to the above.

Anybody who "needs to experience other people" and "needs to sleep with other people" needs to be one thing and one thing only:

Single.

He is just yet another cheater who wants to have it both ways. He wants the comfort of marriage *and* the excitement of dating. But human beings are not pets for him to keep for entertainment when he feels like dropping in, which is how he's treating you.

Single.
Married.
Pick one.
Trying to have both is selfish, arrogant and unspeakably cruel.

Since we have been back together, he has been transparent. I know all passwords, he cancelled FB, he has no friends that are women. When we got back together he said that I am now the only women he wants to be with and never wants anyone else.

At this point though, his needs are not being met by me: i.e sex, conversation... Sex is a huge issue with us. I do not wish to do it. It upsets me.

I did tell him that I wanted to move out last week so he has now taken off his ring and turned down the pics of us together.

I know that if I showed a ton of effort, he would want to stay together. Not sure where to go from here.

OW H knows about it.

TB, how do you know the OWH knows? Did you personally speak to him?

I guess the important question is do you want to stay with your H? If you do, I would set very, very high standards for him and accept nothing less. Make him prove himself before you even consider staying with him. He is very dangerous and certainly not marriage material. There is not much here to salvage.

I did speak to the OWH and tell him. We never spoke again. I am not sure if I want to work it out at this point.

Ok so we had relations yesterday and today he asks if he can get more often. BTW - this is very emotionally painful for me. I told him no, its painful. He stated that is not good enough for him and that it is ridiculous that I would do that. Am I being insensitive to his needs? We currently do this once a month. He not so subtly asked to me to take a job in another town and move there until I figure things out.

He's not in any position to make demands. He cheated. He can move out and pay support just like any other cheating lying selfish wayward.

What do you want, TB? Do you want to recover the M?

Well, I am still really confused. My feelings have not really grown for him since I have moved back in. Every time that I am nice to him and "act normal" he wants to have sex. It is little irratating. I believe that he could be much happier with someone else that will meet his needs. He says my behavior is unacceptable. It seems that while I am in the midst of a situation I cant see clearly what is really going on. That is why I am searching for an outsiders perspective.

Have you told him this? He can't help with addressing issues if he doesn't know about them.

Have the two of you discussed your needs and how to meet them? It sounds like SF is at the top of his list, which is normal. Are you helping meet his need for SF?

Yes, I have told him that I want to just talk and have a good time without s being involved. So, we dont really talk/spend time much anymore because he cant conrol it. It is mostly what he talks about anyways.
I cry and hurt emotionally during the act. Which he is also aware of. We have discussed our needs and rated them. His #1 is def SF. I am not helping to meet his SF needs. He wants it all the time. Not going to happen.

TB,
Before you read my comments, please understand that I am a man who believes sex is an integral part of marriage. It is just a valid EN for men (or women) as say Honesty and Openness.

That being said, it is ludicrous for your husband to attempt to pressure you into sex, an emotionally painful act for you, after he has cheated on you multiple times. In my opinion, he either does not understand, or really care maybe, about how his adultery has harmed you. It is still all about him and his ENs, rather than helping you heal. I think you need to set the bar a LOT higher for him, or else he is going to continue to run roughshod over you, killing you a bit at a time. It may be scary, but the alternative is far worse.

I'll have to go find his thread when I have some more free time to see what is going on with him. The bottom line is, if you are not ready for sex because doing so is painful after his adultery, then he needs to be cognizant of that and do whatever it takes to help you heal. He should not be, under any circumstances, telling you that it is unacceptable to deny him sex.

Now if this is a problem that existed even when your relationship was at its best and before his infidelity, then you may need to look into why you don't want to have sex more often.

I have also expressed to him what I have been feeling.

Before the A I wanted it and he was the one that was not that interested in it. I always tried my best to make sure his Sf needs were taken care of. Above and beyond.

I appreciate your reply. Perhaps I should set the bar higher.
However we have been living together again for 7/8 months now.
So, should I be past this point?

Ok, so your disinterest in sex is a result of his betrayal. Why do you think that is? Do you imagine him with the OW? Do you just not feel connected to him?

Judging by the details in your first post and your characterization of his attitude towards you, I would be absolutely shocked if you were past it by now. It does not sound like he has owned the hard work of recovery from his infidelity and wants it just swept under the rug.

Has he identified your ENs and is he trying to meet them? Do you know what it would take for you to not feel so awful after/during sex? Does he know what it would take? Does he seem to care?

Keep in mind that there are some people who can not get past infidelity. Recovery just isn't an option because you can never see your partner the same way again. I'm probably one of those people. You might be too.

I am not tracking here - is the child your husband's?

Yes, my child is his.

I'm not sure what you mean by setting the bar higher?

I'm a little confused. Now, your WH had a ONS in 2005 and a few women in the neighborhood that he was interested in. He had another woman he was involved with and you separated. Then you found out you were pregnant in, what, 2006? At that you also found out about the ONS. That was four+ years ago, and you 'swept that under the rug.'

But he hooked up with two other women after that.

I'm curious: when did you begin having difficulties with SF? What is it that is now causing you to have difficulty?

Yes, my disinterest is a result of the A. I do imagine him with the other woman. I knew her. She was opposite of me. No make-up, no fixning the hair, clothes were that of a 16 year old that wears T-Shirts.
I feel dirty, mad, and upset during. Not sure how to explain. My H does not understand. He tells me to just get passed it and make the best of what we have together.

We have identified our ENs. He had done a great job meeting them until the last couple months. He says he needs more in return to keep going.

Yes, but which A? This goes back to at least 2005. How many affairs would you say he has had? That he has admitted to?

MaritalBliss,
I mean set the bar higher for my H actions towards recovery. It was in response to a prior post.
Timeline:
Married 2003
Separated in 2005 - I wanted a child/he had interest in another W
2005 got back together
2006 Preg/ Had daughter - Found out about a ONS from 05 w/dif W
2009 He had a year long A
Jan2010 - stopped A
2009 Kissed BF
Nov 2009 - I move out
Jun/Jul 2010 - moved back in

I started having difficulty when I moved back in 2010.
I think some of the difficulty could be because I knew her. He told me how she made him feel. Like a her vs me type thing. She stayed at my house and we at hers. They kissed while she & her H were staying here. Just so much more I knew about with them. It was a deep love they have/had for one another. They were just happy together.

You know this is baloney, right? I think you've relegated this tawdry little affair to a position of greater importance than it deserves. It seems like you're allowing so much mental headspace to it that it's crowding out everything else.

Believe me, I know where you're coming from. I know what it's like to obsess about an affair. But I also know that there comes a point when it no longer serves you and I think you're there.

Tell us what you have done to put this A in its proper place in your mind.

Just an update... husband told me 2 weeks ago he no longer has the desire to make me happy & does not want to be with me... I have moved out of the home & getting a divorce.

(((((((Hugs)))))))) I know it's been a rough road. Living with serial cheaters is its own kind of hell. BTDT, tee shirt sucks.

Wishing you the best, it DOES get better!

You H strikes me as being someone with a screw loose. He appears to be insensitive to your emotions at all and unable to relate to the pain he's caused you or recognize it.

His attitudes towards sex and you and your emotions shows a bit of mental illness. I don't say that as an insult. I am totally serious.

People who can't see other people's emotions and are oblivious have a speicific name, but it's escaping me right now. Pathological comes to mind, but I could be wrong.

Your H could very well have some mental health issues that may need the intervention of a professional.

What is your feeling about the outcome?

Thank you for the positive comments...
Initially, I was very upset & distraught... I really wanted to remain in the home and continue to work on our issues.
I have had a little time to digest everything & have decided to view this as a new beginning & an opportunity to make me happy & focus on myself & child. Perhaps in time I will be able to embrace my martital experience without feelings of hurt & anger.
My views on the opposite sex are not positive. I still love and care for him & hope he is able to find peace and happiness.

Any suggestions on how to fast forward through this phase of pain?

Also, I agree with his mental state... Medication may place his mind on a more even temperment & ease his inconsistencies...

I'm not doing so well with the separation as I had hoped. I actually miss him. I suppose I will recover in time.

You will recover in time, believe me. Stay in total NC. None. Not a peep do you need to hear or speak to him.

There is unfortunately no fast forward, but if it helps, as much as I've been thru? 20 months into separation, only 7 months into NC, and I feel GREAT emotionally!

It won't take as long as you think, stay busy, find good friends, and live life without stress.

Hugs.