BUYERS RENTERS and FREELOADERS - 02/15/11 03:06 PM
A discussion about one of my favorite Harley books !!!!!
Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders
So ... what is the "agreement" we make in our romantic relationship?
AKA .... MARRIAGE
Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders
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Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.
Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.
Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.
Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.
Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.
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Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.
Buyers believe We are together for life.
Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.
Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.
Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.
Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.
Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.
Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.
Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.
Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.
Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.
Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.
Buyers believe We are together for life.
Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.
Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.
Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.
Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.
Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.
Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.
Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.
Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.
Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.
Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.
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According to Harley
most happily married couples have worked their way up from Freeloaders to Renters and finally to Buyers.
He says the problem arises when partners do not eventually become Buyers.
most happily married couples have worked their way up from Freeloaders to Renters and finally to Buyers.
He says the problem arises when partners do not eventually become Buyers.
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Some more Willard to chew on:
"The real commitment of marriage is not a commitment to stay regardless of how you are treated. It's a commitment to care for each other regardless of the circumstances you find yourselves in."
also....
"Marriage means that each spouse is commited to make a GREATER effort to care for each other than they were making BEFORE marriage, a GREATER effort to meet each other's intimate needs."
really something to think about for all of us ....
"The real commitment of marriage is not a commitment to stay regardless of how you are treated. It's a commitment to care for each other regardless of the circumstances you find yourselves in."
also....
"Marriage means that each spouse is commited to make a GREATER effort to care for each other than they were making BEFORE marriage, a GREATER effort to meet each other's intimate needs."
really something to think about for all of us ....
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... which brings us to POJA
which is adopting the Buyer's strategy
means you must consider both your interests ~and~ your partner's interests
up to the point of bilateral enthusiastic agreement
which means NO ONE sacrifices their happiness for the other's .... you seek mutual happiness
which is adopting the Buyer's strategy
means you must consider both your interests ~and~ your partner's interests
up to the point of bilateral enthusiastic agreement
which means NO ONE sacrifices their happiness for the other's .... you seek mutual happiness
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The good doctor says that couples who do not practice POJA skills gradually develop incompatable lifestyles....
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Think of POJA as the ~Holy Grail~ for creating a marriage of mutual compatibility
and enthusiastic support for major decisions implies a respect for the long-term happiness of both partners
this does not mean compromise is not to be found ... but it must be enthusiastic and genuine ... which eliminates sacrifice which is a disingenuous method of manipulating one's spouse
every sacrifice we ask of our partner or of ourselves is a step ~away~ from a mutually enjoyable relationship
think of the relationship ~itself~ as a third person in the marriage ... and choosing what is best for the relationship instead of what is best for only one partner
and enthusiastic support for major decisions implies a respect for the long-term happiness of both partners
this does not mean compromise is not to be found ... but it must be enthusiastic and genuine ... which eliminates sacrifice which is a disingenuous method of manipulating one's spouse
every sacrifice we ask of our partner or of ourselves is a step ~away~ from a mutually enjoyable relationship
think of the relationship ~itself~ as a third person in the marriage ... and choosing what is best for the relationship instead of what is best for only one partner
So ... what is the "agreement" we make in our romantic relationship?
AKA .... MARRIAGE
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Freeloader
Renter
Buyer
represent our agreement in our romantic relationships
while Giver/Taker are instinctive influences to everyone irregardless of our current agreement
Harley says:
"The Buyer's, Renter's, Freeloader's agreements determine how the Giver and Taker influence each of us."
..... and it's interesting that both the Buyer's and the Freeloader's agreements hold our Giver and Taker in check.
Both Freeloader's and Buyer's agreements disallow us to become self-sacrificing in our romantic relationship.
Freeloader's agreement and Buyer's agreements do not allow us to expect others to self-sacrifice in a romantic relationship.
But for very different reasons .....
Freeloaders feel that the right relationship should be effortless and people should only do what comes naturally.
Buyer's assume a long-term romantic relationship requires mutually enjoyable accomodation and encourages behavioral change to resolve conflict.
SO ..... those of us who are the faithful partner and thereby assume we are automatically THE BUYER in the relationship ... think again ! It is equally possible we are RENTERS .... especially if we are willing to sacrifice ourselves in order to "save the marriage" ....
Renter
Buyer
represent our agreement in our romantic relationships
while Giver/Taker are instinctive influences to everyone irregardless of our current agreement
Harley says:
"The Buyer's, Renter's, Freeloader's agreements determine how the Giver and Taker influence each of us."
..... and it's interesting that both the Buyer's and the Freeloader's agreements hold our Giver and Taker in check.
Both Freeloader's and Buyer's agreements disallow us to become self-sacrificing in our romantic relationship.
Freeloader's agreement and Buyer's agreements do not allow us to expect others to self-sacrifice in a romantic relationship.
But for very different reasons .....
Freeloaders feel that the right relationship should be effortless and people should only do what comes naturally.
Buyer's assume a long-term romantic relationship requires mutually enjoyable accomodation and encourages behavioral change to resolve conflict.
SO ..... those of us who are the faithful partner and thereby assume we are automatically THE BUYER in the relationship ... think again ! It is equally possible we are RENTERS .... especially if we are willing to sacrifice ourselves in order to "save the marriage" ....
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If you are willing to sacrifice your needs for the relationship, you are not functioning with a Buyer's agreement..
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What is so wrong with sacrificing in a marriage anyway?
The Renter's agreement places NO RESTRICTIONS on the Giver and the Taker.
Renters accept the sacrifice of others in a romantic relationship.
Renters accept the sacrifice of the self in a romantic relationship.
When a couple opens the door to expecting sacrifice of each other, arguements and fights and resentments are the result.
.... but it doesn't start off like that .... it starts off looking rather pleasant and feeling rather lovey-dovey ..... because Renters begin their romance with mutual sacrifice.
Givers control the courtship. Both Renters are in Giver-mode sacrificing in order to make the other happy ... and all is great .... as long as both partners stay in Giver mode.
But, no one does. Because Giver mode 24/7 is short-sighted and does not care for the self.
So ... the love and care Renter/Giver to Renter/Giver supply each other is UNpleasant because it ignores our Taker .... who cares for us. And this sacrifice for love takes it's toll.
Harley says it this way:
"A relationship based on sacrifice does not keep partners in a good mood. In fact, over time it tends to create a very BAD mood between partners. And whenever we are in a bad mood, our Takers come to our rescue.~ Are you unhappy? That's because you've been giving too much. Now it's time for you to do some taking~, our Taker whispers to us. "
The Renter's agreement places NO RESTRICTIONS on the Giver and the Taker.
Renters accept the sacrifice of others in a romantic relationship.
Renters accept the sacrifice of the self in a romantic relationship.
When a couple opens the door to expecting sacrifice of each other, arguements and fights and resentments are the result.
.... but it doesn't start off like that .... it starts off looking rather pleasant and feeling rather lovey-dovey ..... because Renters begin their romance with mutual sacrifice.
Givers control the courtship. Both Renters are in Giver-mode sacrificing in order to make the other happy ... and all is great .... as long as both partners stay in Giver mode.
But, no one does. Because Giver mode 24/7 is short-sighted and does not care for the self.
So ... the love and care Renter/Giver to Renter/Giver supply each other is UNpleasant because it ignores our Taker .... who cares for us. And this sacrifice for love takes it's toll.
Harley says it this way:
"A relationship based on sacrifice does not keep partners in a good mood. In fact, over time it tends to create a very BAD mood between partners. And whenever we are in a bad mood, our Takers come to our rescue.~ Are you unhappy? That's because you've been giving too much. Now it's time for you to do some taking~, our Taker whispers to us. "
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How does the RENTER agreement start arguments?
I suggest, to those of us who are feeling RESENTFUL, that we make a comprehensive study of 'sacrifice' and how we have valued 'sacrifice' as a tool for getting what we need .... no matter who is doing the sacrificing.
Sacrifice is a dishonest way of getting our needs met.
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Harley says:
"Demands are usually the first step in an argument."
"When one partner tells the other what to do, it's because his or her Taker suggests that the demand is reasonable."
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~after all~ your partner OWES YOU .... you have sacrificed sooooooo much .... and your partner OUGHT TO sacrifice for YOU now !!!!
~~~~~~boxing gloves on ! My Taker is going to take on your Taker....
"Demands are usually the first step in an argument."
"When one partner tells the other what to do, it's because his or her Taker suggests that the demand is reasonable."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~after all~ your partner OWES YOU .... you have sacrificed sooooooo much .... and your partner OUGHT TO sacrifice for YOU now !!!!
~~~~~~boxing gloves on ! My Taker is going to take on your Taker....
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When someone feels the unpleasant effects of all their sacrificing .... stress enters .... and their Taker starts demanding a little "me time" .... and they express "If you won't give me what I need when I ask for it, I'll make you give it to me."
manipulation begins .... choose your weapons
manipulation begins .... choose your weapons
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The ANGER and cursing and the RESENTMENTS are your Taker's way of coming to the rescue when your Giver has been unchecked.
I suggest, to those of us who are feeling RESENTFUL, that we make a comprehensive study of 'sacrifice' and how we have valued 'sacrifice' as a tool for getting what we need .... no matter who is doing the sacrificing.
Sacrifice is a dishonest way of getting our needs met.
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Harley says:
Do not forget ....
when you agree to something reluctantly
you are being dishonest in your marriage !
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"What I'm saying is that your Taker needs to be enthusiastic about every decision. This doesn't rule out short-term sacrifice, though, because your Taker can be enthusiastic about some forms of sacrifice, if they're in your long-term interest."
"But when you agree to something reluctantly, it means you are sacrificing with no personal gain in sight. You are doing it for someone else's gain. That's why your Taker usually tries to sabotage any agreement you have made reluctantly."
"But when you agree to something reluctantly, it means you are sacrificing with no personal gain in sight. You are doing it for someone else's gain. That's why your Taker usually tries to sabotage any agreement you have made reluctantly."
Do not forget ....
when you agree to something reluctantly
you are being dishonest in your marriage !