Marriage Builders
Posted By: TickyTock Exposure bomb! - 03/21/11 10:26 PM
I had a thread here, but it was discovered so I discontinued it. New name now, didn't post all that much but I have a question.

I exposed to family and friends and it didn't have much effect other than pissing WH off and none of OWs friends wanted anything to do with the situation (WH had already spread around that I was a nutjob). Fast forward 6 more months of bouncing between me and her and the OW contacted me. So I exposed to her, told her everything. Nice and calm, no cursing or any of that stuff.

WH is REALLY pissed now, amazingly so. OW was of the opinion that he was getting divorced and had not been around me for a couple years. So, she broke it off and now he wants nothing to do wth me.

Will this anger pass? Is it to be expected?
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 02:29 AM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Will this anger pass?

Yes.
Anger takes too much energy remain permanently in the red.
When?
No way to tell.


Quote
Is it to be expected?

Yes.
WH's lies have been exposed.
It is expected he be angry about being stripped of his lies.
Posted By: NeverGuessed Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 05:28 PM
I exposed to family and friends and it didn't have much effect other than pissing WH off...So I exposed to her, told her everything. OW was of the opinion that he was getting divorced and had not been around me for a couple years. So, she broke it off...

dance2 clap dance2 clap

Do you mind if someone takes this story and creates a plaque to memorialize the value and effectiveness of FULL, NUCLEAR, EXPOSURE?

The only sad thing is that you suffered six months of cake-eating before hitting the magic formula!
Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 05:54 PM

**edit**
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 05:58 PM
Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
removing quote

Obviously, that doesn't need to be said. This is common sense.

Nothing is 100% effective, all the time.

Why the devil's advocate?
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 05:59 PM
Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
**edit*

If someone were going to try a new diet, would you said "It may have the effects you mentions. It may do nothing at all."

No, because people KNOW that...no diet is 100% effective on everybody.

But the odds that it (exposure, a diet) are going to work are better than doing NOTHING at all.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:15 PM
Not only that EE, but here at MB we advocate EXPOSURE.

Would an Atkins website say "but this doesn't work all the time...there is only a POTENTIAL for weight loss".

Sheesh.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:15 PM
BTW...nuclear exposure killed my H's affair DEAD, the day I exposed.

It DOES work and more often than not.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:19 PM
TT ~ yes, it's normal that is quite upset. His dirty actions are no longer "private" and now everyone knows how despicably he's been acting. That is quite embarrassing.

Are you able to Plan A him at all?

How did they meet? If at work, did you expose there?
Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:25 PM
*edit*

I'm all for nuclear exposure.

*edit*
Posted By: NeverGuessed Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:31 PM
Why the devil's advocate?

MF, by long history, the poster in question has proved that he hopes to create "pearls" by being the "grit" in EVERY oyster.

Recent targets on other threads include M/L and, indirectly, Dr. Harley!

I'm actually kinda flattered this person decided to "parse" my statement - it means it musta been pretty good!
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:36 PM
Quote
*edit*.

Read my sig line, I AM a BS. I know this better than most. I went through a year long FR. I know shock, I know not thinking rationally.

Quote
*edit*

No and that is exactly why you are making it WORSE by making confusing comments like "it might not work". Why confuse her?

Quote
*edit*

Why? Would you tell a gunshot wound victim "let's put pressure on this to stop the bleeding but it might not work". That makes no sense, please stop doing this. It's not helpful to someone in crisis.

Quote
*edit*.

That's your opinion that they will be in a "worse state". Most will not be in a worse state, most will be glad that they did their best in trying to end their spouse's affair.

Quote
*edit*.

Again, your opinion. The behavior of the third party doesn't matter AT ALL when a BS exposes because there should be NO WARNING. Besides that we aren't arguing about what a FWS does AFTER exposure.

Quote
*edit*

And I think you're wrong. This only muddies the waters for someone who is in a crisis. Go back to my gunshot wound victim. No one is going to warn him that applying pressure to his wound "might not work". That would be ludicrous to tell someone that his best option of surviving this "might not work".

EE, please stop doing this. It's not helpful.

And let's stop t/jing this poster's thread. She needs help, not your opinion that what we advocate here might not work. I've seen it work lots of times.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:37 PM
Quote
What is 100% obvious to you and me may not be to someone facing a crisis.
Um. Yeah. Exactly. That's why we're telling them something that is obvious to us, the ones who have been there and done that. And sure, we get some resistance from BS's - the very idea of exposure is the opposite of what most people would do - HIDE THE AFFAIR FOR THEIR SPOUSE.

Can you imagine that? That a betrayed spouse would consider hiding their spouse's affair and would do nothing to end it? They're willing to sit back and wait for the affair to burn itself out? I know a few of those betrayeds, too. And their spouses either left them or remained in the affair!

As for telling the victim the truth? I'll tell every betrayed who comes on here: EXPOSURE ENDED MY HUSBAND'S AFFAIR. KILLED IT DEAD. That's the truth.

It's ridiculous to imply that exposure will end every affair, every time. No one is saying that. But I'll never just sit back and pat a betrayed spouse on the hand and sigh "There, there." I'm going to tell them what worked in my case.
Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:45 PM
**edit**
Posted By: MBWillow Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:47 PM
Let's get back to helping the original poster with her questions.

Thank you.

Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 06:53 PM
TickyToc,

You did the right thing with exposure. I'm not arguing that. Expect nothing and watch the actions.

Words are cheap, it's the actions of your WH and OW that matter, not their words. So watch their actions and decide your next course of action.

You did good, but expect nothing. Not because of you, but because you are dealing with people addicted to the affair.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 07:36 PM
Did plan A and B.

B lasted all of 2 days before he had a breakdown from not being able to contact me. He came home 1 week later. No contact w/OW for 5 weeks from that point until she NEEDED him because of a family emergency (he has a white knight syndrome).

Then contact started again, small here and there and then the "I can't live without you" messages. I told him to leave, so he went no contact again. This time lasted 4 weeks, before he broke and contacted her.

More "can't live without you" messages and I was getting ready to plan B again when she contacted me and I told her the truth.

Another question, though. Do I need to tell him that I talked to her? She told him that I sent her an email, which isn't true. So I haven't been lying when I deny sending an email to her. As of right now, he doesn't know I talked to her. Just that she ended it with him because she received an email with the truth.
Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 07:47 PM
OK, where is he now? What is your plan, A or B? The answer depends on where you are now.

Why deal with him at all? Give him the 800# for Marriage Builders and have him set up a program where he can put protections into place, ensure no contact and when Steve or Jennifer tell you he's safe to allow home, then let him come home.

He's the one who has to earn his way home, not you be the one who tries to win him back. If he's not safe, then you probably don't want him. If he's willing to address his issues, then perhaps he's a keeper.

I'm not saying you don't have anything to do, you do. But at this point, I think it's plan B until he demonstrates that he's a safe and faithful spouse.

That way, you don't need to tell him anything. You can simply tell anyone who asks, if you are still exposing that he's having an affair and that you told him what it takes for him to come home, and you are waiting to see if he'll end the affair and do what he needs to do.

No need to talk to him if he's still an active wayward, plan B is where I recommend you hang your hat, and stick to it.

Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 07:58 PM
He's home. Has been home, since December which is the last time he physically saw her.

I'm not sure what plan I'm in at the moment, I was going to make him leave for B again, but everything blew up in his face. He's a little better today. Not as angry but not happy with me, either.

Right now, I'm just hanging on hoping the tornado passes. Not exactly plan A because I walk away when he starts getting nasty with me but when he's nice, I'm nice.
Posted By: Enlightened_Ex Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/22/11 08:03 PM
Then I would set a time frame, not share it with him and just watch. If he maintains NC and starts to MB, let him stay. The then it's time to reconsider his current living arrangments.

Certainly you don't need to tolerate him moving along with no plan, no protections and no actions that restore the marriage.

It is easy for him to say he can't live without you. I can say it, "I can't live without you." But words are meaningless. Do his actions say, "I value you so much that I'm willing to do what it takes to keep you in my life?"

Don't listen, watch his actions.

It's like when I was learning to play football. Don't watch the head eyes or arms, watch his belly button and you'll always know where he's going to run and you can tackle the runner.

Watch his actions, they show his true intent.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/24/11 02:28 AM
NC still on, GPS and texts good smile We're on day 6 after exposure to OW and he's calming down. No nastiness today at all. I seriously doubt he's in withdrawl yet, he was too happy today. When should that kick in?
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/25/11 07:17 PM
Another question. Is there honestly any point to a no contact letter again since neither of them followed them before? FYI, the letters before were passed off as from ME!
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/25/11 07:22 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
NC still on, GPS and texts good smile We're on day 6 after exposure to OW and he's calming down. No nastiness today at all. I seriously doubt he's in withdrawl yet, he was too happy today. When should that kick in?

I think this is not-so-good news.
I think his sudden good mood is because he and OW have "worked things out" between them.
Remain vigilant.

If his good mood continues for another week, then I strongly suggest you call the Harleys for a phone appointment.
Posted By: schoolbus Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/25/11 11:59 PM
Ticky,

Have him write the no-contact letter, yes. Sometimes when people sit down and write things out, YOU get the chance to see where his mind really is. The deal is, he writes it, you approve it and YOU mail it. Do not leave the delivery up to him.


Tell him the truth, yes, that the OW and you spoke by phone. Explain how it happened, what the OW asked, and her reaction. Tell him that you understand that he lied to her.

Then, tell him that there is a way for him to feel "in love" with you again, and not to lose hope. His affair made things in his life feel different, but it also made things between the two of you worse - not better. Tell him that you know of ways to make things between you stronger, and so that you work as a team, as lovers, as friends. Let him know that there is a chance for him to redeem himself


and

that there are ways for him to find his way out of the hole he dug.


BUT

also let him know that HE HAS TO WORK to make all of this happen - that you will work and he will work - and it will not happen overnight.


Then, emphasize that the one, and ONLY, way for any hope in your marriage is for him to never contact or accept contact from the OW again. No. Matter. What.


Then, make yourself the best choice. Which, obviously you are, or he would have already made a choice to leave............but he hasn't........because he is caught somehow by the OW.


And also remember this

DO NOT TRUST WHAT THE OW SAYS, EITHER. She may very well have known his entire situation, and decided to stir this up in order to get him to feel forced to divorce you, or to get you to kick him out so she could WIN.

Do not let her win.



SB
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/27/11 02:08 AM
There is no contact. I put DexRex on his phone and their last conversation was the OW telling him to f off and him trying like crazy to convince her I was a nutjob and a liar. She left the conversation hanging and there's been no followups. He only talked to her in text, always claiming to be out of town with no good reception. The GPS I'm using is actually software on his phone. Lookout Mobile Security. I installed both, telling him they were antivirus's.

We went to a party last night with all our friends and had a great time, he was happy and loving and all his friends made sure to show extra love to me to show him they wouldn't accept the OW.

I will work on getting him to do another NC letter. He's resisting saying he doesn't need to because I f'd up the affair by talking to her and now the OW won't have anything to do with him.
Posted By: clark_kent Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/27/11 05:03 AM
Quote
He's resisting saying he doesn't need to because I f'd up the affair by talking to her and now the OW won't have anything to do with him.

Poor guy! Man it really sucks having your deceitful lying azz called out in the public.

The NC is to have him show that he is willing to work on recovering the marriage. How is WH foggy state?
Posted By: EverAfter2010 Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/27/11 05:45 PM
Wow. That is pure fogspeak from your WH and until he is ready to send with YOU sitting right there, him committing to 100 percent NC, and also committing to EP with enthusiasm, I'd still believe he was in contact with the ow.

He may have figured out the phone sitch w/the software installed. Do not be surprised, sometimes there is an "affair phone" in the mix too, a prepaid cell phone (like ones you'd get at walmart) just for affair skankin'.

I agree with Pepperband, in that his sudden good mood might just mean something's up. I'd have a var in the car now, and be listening in b/c there could be an alternate way they're communicating now. How about his email from work? There always is a way b/c a junkie will find a way to do that. Get a secret fix from their stupid high.

GOOD for his friends though, having enough courage to stand up for you and the M by being so wonderful to you. That is GOOD! You want everybody to rally support around the M and with you, b/c that puts further stress on the already crippled affair.

And for the talk with the ow? Believe NOTHING she says. She is out for blood. My xwh's mistress, monkeyho, also brought out that damn white knight inside of him. There was always some family emergency, like some relative dying , and she needed somebody "there" for her. She even faked wanting our M to heal and took my now xh, to a MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT program at a nearby church supposedly b/c she loved him so much "as a friend" that she wanted "us" to heal (her meaning all 3 of us..)and I know that's crazy, but they really do a mind F on men (the ow) when they are out for blood and out to 100 percent destroy your family and marriage.

There is nothing at all sacred to an ow or an om. Nothing. They prove that with their actions. Heck, she may have bought them affair phones. I'd bet she will stop at nothing that is why YOU stop at nothing to killing that affair!

What is important, is you must now show your WH also how the OW tricked HIM by CALLING YOU. Yep. that card must be played also. You see, by the ow calling you, she destroyed the real objective of your WH's fantasy affair. That was when she caused a real line to be drawn in the sand by calling YOU.

When there is a collision of real life vs. fantasy affair evil land, it causes a point of no return imho, of the affair and M.
Somebody has to go at that point. Who will it be? The W or H who has NOT LIED to the WS and has been there all the while faithful and loving and true to their spouse and kids or will it be the skanky OW or OM, who has LIED to the WS, LIED to the world and engaged in an evil, sleazy affair and tried to break up a marriage and family?

It has to be painted like that. You see, your WH and all Waywards for that, wish to carry on the affair in secrecy. IN SECRECY! And they also wish to be able to have all the comfort and cozy and love of their spouse and family at home ALL AT THE SAME TIME. By OW contacting you, there was the collision b/w fantasy and reality.

WS's OW broke his secret desire, and also did the unthinkable by contacting you. I'd say (if it were me) to WH, "Wow, OW sure is an idiot. How in the world would HER CHOOSING TO DIAL MY NUMBER AND TALK TO ME, is that being your mistress? She just let out YOUR little secret yet again didn't she? Now it's ALL OUT IN THE OPEN BECAUSE OF HER." (he he he, excellent reverse fog babble and anti-affair guerilla tactic).

He(( yea, I'd play that card too. If an ow or om is going after me and my family, I'd play kind, loving plan A along with doing by whatever (legal) means necessary to kill the affair and send the OW packing to HE(( forever!

You want him to also see that SHE has betrayed him. That's big in the fogged out mind. They want the balance of affair vs. hubby or wife and kids at home and usually the BS gets blamed for things when this kind of stuff happens. But lucky for you, the OW SCREWED HERSELF (this time). Insert evil but smiley face here!

This is imho, advanced reverse fog babble at the max! Oh, and when speaking of the ow, call her (if she is unmarried) her name followed by adulteress. Like (forgive me if your name is Terry, b/c that's just an example)"You know, when Terry, THE ADULTERESS, called ME, your WIFE, I cannot believe that. I mean, TERRY THE ADULTERESS, is the one who has caused such upheaval in our lives right now. I can't eat or sleep and am in so much pain because of TERRY YOUR ADULTERESS.

Put the whole blame on the ow for this contact! Plus there is another side to guerilla affair tactics too. YOU are calling out the ow, and she now knows that things are not going to go easy on your end, that you are going to fight for things, so she might not sleep as easy or might now with one eye open.

Now get a var and hide it securely in the car. Go to the forum on snooping and learn all about VAR's ok?

I hid (an older and slightly larger type VAR) in my master bathroom after I deliberately left for the weekend with my son to pretend to visit my mom for the weekend. The previous weekend, I'd come home after spending a few hours at one of my girlfriends' houses (took my son too) to play bunko. Was gone for 3 hours. Came home and found the candles by my huge jacuzzi tub in the master were burnt down a bit, and that there was wax droplets around the edge of the tub. Knowing my then wh was to be in NC with monkeyho, I went and got the var and put it nearby, covered discreetly and was adhering to the back of a picture (large one, a 5 x 7) in the bathroom on the counter on my side of it. Lots of echo in our bathroom made for great acoustics. Let's just say I never bathed in that gorgeous tub ever ever again afer that.

Found out after I returned, that indeed she had been there and was coming over on weekends CATCHING A FLIGHT to my area, so she could skank at MY HOUSE. In my state it is legal for only one party to be able to have knowledge that a convo is being taped so it was golden. But if it is not in your state, no matter, it's still evidence, and can be played loudly in any court and in mediation. Even if an objection is stated, it is golden and more than enough reasonable proof.

A VAR is necessary.

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/27/11 06:49 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
. The GPS I'm using is actually software on his phone. Lookout Mobile Security. I installed both, telling him they were antivirus's.

Tickytock, a slight threadjack; could you please start up a thread in Operation Investigate addressing this GPS software? We would greatly appreciate it! Thanks.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/28/11 12:47 AM
ML, will do! smile

Peachy, I will get a VAR. I seriously think it might just be over, finally!

The OW can't afford her own cell phone, let alone an additional one. That's one of WH's weak points, he feels the need to support her. He blew so much $ on her, $50k just in 2009. He drained all of our savings, aside from one I had, which I drained trying to survive when he left. We are so far in debt now from his affair, it's not even funny. She would always text him when they were apart, asking for $, asking him to pay some bills, renew her car, blah blah.

I think she was telling the truth about not really knowing. From all the conversations I read it didn't appear she knew she was actually the OW. He was telling her bs lies about me abandoning my kids and him having to stay at my house because of it, and trips out of town were just for the kids sake (I'd post as many pics as I could on Facebook of us :P) When he couldn't lie and say he was here because of the kids, he'd tell her family was sick 7 hrs away and pretend to be out of town. Showed her bogus divorce papers to get her to believe him!
Posted By: NeverGuessed Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/28/11 01:15 AM
Showed her bogus divorce papers to get her to believe him! puke

Shhhhhhhh! Don't let this get around - because the same kind of human dog-dropping that originated the "Have-An-Affair" website will devise a "Design-Your-Own-Divorce-Papers" service.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/28/11 01:40 AM
It's pretty sad. I actually feel a little (JUST a little!) bad for her. There's wasn't ONE nugget of truth that he told her. Everything was lies. He even, in one conversation, pretended to be DD and said how she accepted whatever made her dad happy. When I told DD she flipped! She said "just WAIT until he tries to get me to meet Donkey (our special nickname for OW)... THAT will be fun!"

I don't think he ever intended on ever making an honest woman out of her, just meeting DD would have made the house of cards crumble.
Posted By: RidicSit Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/28/11 11:57 AM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
It's pretty sad. I actually feel a little (JUST a little!) bad for her. There's wasn't ONE nugget of truth that he told her. Everything was lies. He even, in one conversation, pretended to be DD and said how she accepted whatever made her dad happy. When I told DD she flipped! She said "just WAIT until he tries to get me to meet Donkey (our special nickname for OW)... THAT will be fun!"

I don't think he ever intended on ever making an honest woman out of her, just meeting DD would have made the house of cards crumble.


You don't know that's true. Think about it. If you have functioning grey matter, and you are dating someone with all the holes your WS would have in the story.......

Denial ain't just a river, and bizarrely, it flows upstream and downstream at the same time.

I felt sorry, for a little while, for my WH's OW. I did. Because poor wittle girl her had been deceived by the big bad man. That's the story she was sticking to. For awhile. And he did lie to her. Spun her a great tale. I had supposedly cheated on him and left him, and we had no children. He was a poor betrayed man, and I was an evil ex he had no contact with. But she knew everything by the end of the first year, and they continued. And she even met my children. But even when all was exposed and I contacted her, and even when her family was saying she absolutely knew, she maintained, for awhile, with me, that she was clueless.

Except, really, in the end, notsomuch.

Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/29/11 05:55 PM
VAR in place... should be easy to check on, I have full access to his truck at night and on weekends (we don't want to put extra miles on mine).

I think maybe the fog is lifting a little. We were talking yesterday and he mentioned how we all seem to be in a rut and WE really need to start getting back on track (this conversation always used to be that I needed to get back on track).

Still NC and he's coming to me more and more apologizing and telling me he loves me.

I forget who asked/mentioned, but the "holes" in his stories and always being away were completely sustainable because he travels all over the state for his job. Well, he used to travel. No more overnights, I put as a requirement. If it's absolutely, can't get out of it neccessary, then he takes one of the guys with him (the particular guy is one of my supporters) or my DS, who works for the same company.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/29/11 06:04 PM
Quote
If it's absolutely, can't get out of it neccessary, then he takes one of the guys with him (the particular guy is one of my supporters)

Make it a requirement that they share a room. My H went on business trips with a marriage supporter too but they didn't share a room...OW came in late at night and left early in the morning. It's amazing how brazen they get.

Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/29/11 06:04 PM
Actually, your best bet is for you to go with him. This is what we began doing since my H needed to travel for about a year after we got into recovery.

Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/29/11 08:15 PM
They always share rooms. They make up to 3 guys share a room, they'll only spring for an additional room if there's 4 or more going. Just learned, too, that I have another supporter! So, that's 3 travel companions he has to choose from who will ensure he behaves.

I would go with him, but that would require taking time off my job, which is impossible because we're so small. I don't even really escape when I'm on vacation.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/30/11 11:48 PM
Squeaky clean on the VAR so far. NC all the way.

His mood has been deflating in the past couple days, could this be withdrawl starting?
Posted By: EverAfter2010 Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/31/11 01:04 AM
Possibly, but the severity and the strangeness of his lying (ie, made up divorce papers) are a huge red flag to me.

This guy could simply be going further underground with her, esp if he gave her 50$ last year. OW somehow LIKE money. OUR money. And they do not usually go away quietly.

My xh did the whole alternate reality with a 3rd ow but was after I had filed for divorce. I accidentally found out what he had told the subsequent ow, because SHE went on a date with a guy I knew from work (a single doctor). Incidentally he never went out with her again (the ow).

My xh told the ow that 1)he was sadly raising OUR child alone. 2)that I was very very ill mentally and that I had committed myself to an insane asylum and told him to take our child and live life without me. 3)He said he had a "live in nanny who kept his house immaculate and was amazing". Funny thing was I still at that time, lived in the huge house he told the ow about and I guess he painted me out to be the "live in nanny".

They will say whatever will make them look big in the eyes of somebody else. To me, when I hear lying like this, utter fake and outrageous ones yet carefully spun, I sense possibly narcissistic personality disorder (which my xh has).

I'd really really watch your WH now if his mood has changed. When the withdrawal (if he is even really in NC with ow) sets in, what he does with those feelings is paramount.

Q: In the past, has he ever lied to you and told amazingly huge lies? has he ever had an issue with lying in the past to anybody?

I'm really curious about this one. A guy who gives away marital assets in the neighborhood of 50k doesn't just quit cold turkey and the glib/happy moods he's had lately is utterly confusing to me. Plus the grandiosity and magnitude of the lying is a concern.

Have you talked with Dr. Harley or Jennifer yet? I would like to hear what they have to say about this.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 03/31/11 02:11 AM
He's always been very generous with friends and family. His only lies were exaggerations (the fish I caught was THIS BIG kinda thing, incidentally, he is an avid fisherman).

The assets he gave away were bonuses. In his company he's part owner and they did REALLY well in 2009, so the money was seriously flowing for all the shareholders. I guess his state of mind made it seem like winning the lottery, only he lost ALL responsibility. He took her out to dinner a lot, on trips, pretty sure he bought her a new car, etc.. So, he was taking these bonus checks and depositing in a secret account and then living expenses were coming out of the shared account. Basically, a huge mess.

His "weirdness" started nearly right after his father died and he met her again (high school ex-girlfriend) 1 month after the first anniversary of his death. I think the stress from starting the affair really did push him over the edge of sanity. He was one of the WSs who threatened suicide a lot.

I need to get him right in the head before attempting counseling with the Harleys. He has an appointment next week with our family doctor who has the whole body approach. If he feels he can't handle WHs problems, he's going to refer us to a psychiatrist he trusts. WH is totally on board with this because he's starting to realize all that he did and something is wrong.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/03/11 01:16 AM
OK... withdrawl question. WH is normally a person easily aggravated, but the past 2 days have been really h*llish. He's saying the same stuff as in the beginning, rewriting history again and being an all out a$$.

Walking away and ignoring him is pissing him off more, what could I possibly say?

And NC is still in place, I think the past 2 days have been bad because he usually saw OW on Fridays.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/03/11 02:09 AM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
OK... withdrawl question. WH is normally a person easily aggravated, but the past 2 days have been really h*llish. He's saying the same stuff as in the beginning, rewriting history again and being an all out a$$.

Walking away and ignoring him is pissing him off more, what could I possibly say?

And NC is still in place, I think the past 2 days have been bad because he usually saw OW on Fridays.

Are you certain NC is still in place? This sounds like there may have just been contact.

Remember ~ APs bring out the worst in the F/WS so when they become unusually p*ssy, it's often because of C.

My H never had the typical withdrawal so I'm no expert on withdrawal but I WOULD be extra careful about NC being broken.

Do/did they work together?
Posted By: EverAfter2010 Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/03/11 03:08 AM
WHERE AND HOW did he see the posow on fridays? I'd also question if there has been a breach of NC
.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/03/11 04:07 AM
He would take her out to dinner, to "their" place puke

Edit: No, they don't work together.

I'm positive NC is still in place. DS worked with WH all Friday and after work, we stayed home and ordered in take out and watched movies.

Today, I had lunch with a friend but one of my supporters spent the time I was away with WH fixing my car. The rest of the day, we were together.

I checked all my sources and not a peep from OW or an attempt at contact from WH.

He's calmed down now, but it's seriously like he's bipolar. One minute raging about something he thought he heard, to clinging to me on the couch telling me he loves me.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:00 PM
Ugh... was going so good.

Last week WH had a panic attack which resulted in minor heart attack. Spent 4 days in the hospital drugged up to keep him calm. Doctors (hospital and his private) put him back on blood pressure meds, xanax and seroquel.

The night he got out of the hospital he contacted OW. Told he he had dreams of them together, that it was meant to be, and now he's finally seen the light and they belong together. Went on all weekend, friends talked to him and told him to to basically sh*it or get off the pot, stop his crap. He told *them* that he's been incredibly stupid and has no intention of leaving me, he loves me and only me.

Yesterday, I contacted her again, told her to back off, did she really want to teach her daughter that it's OK to break up marriages. She told me that she has no intention of doing that and doesn't ever want to see him again.

So, since last night and all day today, I get to see him acting like a sniveling fool begging her to take him back, that they're soulmates, he hasn't ever loved me, blah blah. I'm so nauseated I feel like throwing up.

Kick him out and plan B or live through the sniveling bullsh*t? She's since blocked him so she won't be replying anymore.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:35 PM
I would go to Plan B. This waffling is bullcr*p.

Since he can't make the decision, you make it for him. He needs to know he's not the only one who can call the shots in YOUR marriage.

Be strong and stand up for yourself. Go to a pitch dark Plan B and show him what life is like without in the picture at all.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:36 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Kick him out and plan B or live through the sniveling bullsh*t? She's since blocked him so she won't be replying anymore.

Do you feel better when he's not around?

It sounds like you're getting to that place where you won't be married at all costs.

If he's moping around in front of you like someone ran over his dog then I'd write up a Plan B letter, get your ducks in a row and tell him to leave. You shouldn't have his indecisiveness paraded in front of you on a daily basis.

He needs to put his big boy britches on.
Posted By: pokerface Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:38 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Yesterday, I contacted her again, told her to back off, did she really want to teach her daughter that it's OK to break up marriages. She told me that she has no intention of doing that and doesn't ever want to see him again.


TT, my FWH OW actually looked me straight in the eye and said the exact same thing. I was a fool to believe her. Don't be so sure of the blocking thing either.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:39 PM
Is OW married?
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:40 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
OK... withdrawl question. WH is normally a person easily aggravated, but the past 2 days have been really h*llish. He's saying the same stuff as in the beginning, rewriting history again and being an all out a$$.

Walking away and ignoring him is pissing him off more, what could I possibly say?

And NC is still in place, I think the past 2 days have been bad because he usually saw OW on Fridays.

I think NC was broken long before the hospital situation. frown

Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:43 PM
You can get into Plan B within 48 hours IF you work very hard.

Don't cut any corners though. Better to make it 72 or even 96 hours ~ or longer ~ if you don't have all your ducks in a row.

How to Plan B
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:45 PM
Also, how did you find this out and does he know that you know?
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:48 PM
NC was definitely in place until last Friday. This I'm 100% positive about. His relapse was due to the health issues, incidently, his affair started after his last mild heart attack. Almost exactly 2 yrs.

On one hand, I want to plan B.

On the other hand, I don't think there's enough love left in me to accept him back if I plan B. I think B will lead to D. I'm so digusted right now, I don't even want to touch him or him to touch me.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:49 PM
Texts back and forth, they get uploaded to a place I can read them.

He doesn't know I know exactly what the texts say, just that I "know" he's contacting her and I told him that I contacted her.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:49 PM
Quote
So, since last night and all day today, I get to see him acting like a sniveling fool begging her to take him back, that they're soulmates, he hasn't ever loved me, blah blah. I'm so nauseated I feel like throwing up.

Kick him out and plan B or live through the sniveling bullsh*t? She's since blocked him so she won't be replying anymore.
Oh, gag. puke TickyTock, only you can decide how much of this abuse you are willing to take. Me? I would pack of a nice bag of clothes and his toiletries, set them back the door and then tell him to get the hell out.

Don't trust the OW.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 07:50 PM
Yes, actually I do feel better when he's not around. That should answer my questions, eh?

No, she's not married. Divorced.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 08:02 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Yes, actually I do feel better when he's not around. That should answer my questions, eh?

Well, it's food for thought.

Do your two oldest kids know about this mess? Sorry if this was answered in your previous thread, I didn't see it.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 08:04 PM
All 3 kids know, all 3 kids hate her, her kids hate WH (according to what I've heard).

It will be a LOVELY step situation, because I think I'm almost positive if I go to B, it will be straight to D.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 08:14 PM
You are kind of on an anger high right now, which is certainly understandable.

Why don't you get into a dark Plan B and THEN decide if you want to go straight to D? This might help you not make any rash decisions.

Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 08:21 PM
I am angry... irate... pick one. I hate him right now.

Is there a good link for what plan B actually is with IM instructions? I want to forward to a friend so she can read about it before I ask her to be the go between for me and the sniveling fool.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 08:24 PM
Intermediary Training School

Also read the link I posted earlier on How to Plan B.
Posted By: Northwood8900 Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 08:26 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
I am angry... irate... pick one. I hate him right now.

Is there a good link for what plan B actually is with IM instructions? I want to forward to a friend so she can read about it before I ask her to be the go between for me and the sniveling fool.

Here's that link that MarriedForever posted:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 09:43 PM
OK, while I'm preparing for B... do I plan A or treat him as he's treating me (aka a steaming pile of crap)?

Edit to add: Do I expose again for B? I was thinking along the lines of a "thank you for helping her destroy my marriage, watch your husbands, she might want to add to her collection" kind of message to her friends and family.

To our friends, I think just calling them and letting them all know he left me AGAIN for her will be enough to get them to toast his butt.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 10:14 PM
Yes, re-expose but not until right AFTER you go to Plan B, that way you are nowhere near the fallout and don't have to deal with his/her temper tantrum.

Plan A if you can or if not, just ignore him. Try your best not to LB.

How quickly do you think you can get into Plan B?
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 10:17 PM
P.S the only reason I am suggesting this is because I know how I was in between discovering we were in a FR and going into Plan B. I was a WRECK and it certainly wasn't my BEST Plan A during that time, LOL. It's kind of counterproductive to say "I love you and want to save this M, I know we can save it...you lousy POS, I hate your freaking guts".

Thankfully I was able to get into Plan B really quickly so didn't undo all of my Plan A.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 10:29 PM
ROFL He's inviting her to our house to have it out... he hates me... la la la

LB's all around, can't help it, this is so not going well. I keep telling him to leave and he won't.
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 10:33 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
ROFL He's inviting her to our house to have it out... he hates me... la la la

LB's all around, can't help it, this is so not going well. I keep telling him to leave and he won't.

Oh my word. I would not let her step foot on my property.

Sounds like it is time to get him out. Maybe she won't have him.
Posted By: reading Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/26/11 11:06 PM
I think you are so very ready to go to plan B and let them at each other.
Sink or swim time for the two lovebirds.
You need to turn towards your own future and see if the WH ever comes running after you with the right state of mind to rebuild.
Don't even try to imagine it will happen, just that it vaguely, possibly, miraculously might some day if the affair dies its natural death and he has some insight to the mess he made and wants to right it.
With his heart attacks, he might be too far gone in the spirit to ever be capable but you have to fend for yourself, your own sanity.
Plan B is sanity.
Its tough to detach from the marriage but you have to head for your own lifeboat and he either finds his and gets in or not. You can't hoist him into it.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 12:02 AM
He called her in front of me and we argued. I'm ready for him to leave, I'm done. Problem is he won't leave now because she doesn't want him either.

Any suggestions?
Posted By: Scotland Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 12:23 AM
Can you have someone there with you? Maybe a family friend, or two, and pack his stuff. Tell him that it is too painful for you to be around him and he needs to leave. It is possible that with witnesses, he will leave. It may take some time.

You need to not engage him. You need to just repeat over and over again, "Your affair has hurt me too much. To save myself further pain, I am asking you to leave." Repeat repeat repeat.

You can wait a day or two to actually get him a Plan B letter. this way, you can get your IM figured out.

BTW, you don't need to talk to OW anymore. She is NOT your friend. If there is more contact, you should just expose her.

Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 12:51 AM
Originally Posted by Scotland
You need to not engage him. You need to just repeat over and over again, "Your affair has hurt me too much. To save myself further pain, I am asking you to leave." Repeat repeat repeat.BTW, you don't need to talk to OW anymore. She is NOT your friend. If there is more contact, you should just expose her.

I never thought I could get my XH out without a court order. The angle I took was that I needed some breathing room...I gave him hope that I would eventually take him back. He thought he would be home in a few weeks....

So you might try that...I told him I needed to be away from him because the affair had hurt me so bad I needed time to heal. It worked. He rented a place, I packed up his stuff and met him at his apt. I had removed the key to our home from his keyring...and I had already convinced him, at the last min, to sign a seperation agreement. I just struck while everything was in chaos.

However, I was ready to go before a judge and get him out. We signed the papers with an hour left until our emergency court hearing for temporary support. So if he won't leave, I'd file for divorce and force him out.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 01:42 AM
Good grief, I NEVER thought I would be that close to losing my mind. He's out like a light now after attempting to swallow a bunch of his meds. I took them all away and gave him just the ones he needed for tonight (thankfully they make him drowsy as h*ll).

He woke up for a minute (I was watching to make sure he wasn't fake sleeping) and said "God, I'm glad that [censored] is outta my life" and went back to sleep.

I'm thinking someone somewhere really needs to study waywards brains, there's something really NOT right going on in there.
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 02:15 AM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Good grief, I NEVER thought I would be that close to losing my mind. He's out like a light now after attempting to swallow a bunch of his meds. I took them all away and gave him just the ones he needed for tonight (thankfully they make him drowsy as h*ll).

He woke up for a minute (I was watching to make sure he wasn't fake sleeping) and said "God, I'm glad that [censored] is outta my life" and went back to sleep.

I'm thinking someone somewhere really needs to study waywards brains, there's something really NOT right going on in there.

So who was he talking about? You or OW? ???
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 02:21 AM
He was talking about the OW.

It's kinda funny in a way, that he was so determined to hurt me yet he couldn't directly tell her "I love you" over the phone. He just kept saying "There's only one woman I love".

I'm going to call his dr tomorrow to let him know what's up.

If he's still here when I get home from work tomorrow, I'm going to ask him to leave again and if he refuses, I'm going to bring a couple of his friends over to drag him out. It would do him well to sleep on someone's couch for a while.
Posted By: EverAfter2010 Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 03:25 AM
Wow. He is one wafflin' fool right now. He needs to be out of the house imho. He is seriously destroying and residual love left for him that you have, and he's lucky you even have .02% of it right now left!

My xwh did the same thing. He'd waffle back and forth and we had a FR too.

Whatever you do, DO NOT LET THE SKANK into your home and further defile your life. Tell wh that she is not allowed in YOUR home, where YOUR peace is, as your peace and tranquility and heart has been broken b/c of THEIR affair together.

WH can't figure out which way is up, and sounds also mildly depressed to me also. I'd communicate that to his doc too.

But you need some peace and relief right now. I know I seriously could NOT handle a lying, sniveling, waffling wayward at all. Not one second.

He needs to simply come home and see a plan B letter for him, with instructions to him as to whose couch he is to crash on, and the requirements for him to work through if he ever thinks for one nanosecond you'd ever take him back. Set that bar high. And I like what the other poster said about how he's hurt you so much that you need him out!

While he's out on anothers' couch, I'd have locks changed and if I could, a temp court order keeping him out. You could even cite emotional abuse because that's what an affair also causes. Lots of emotional abuse and pain.

I still think this could work between you two, but this guy has to work through his deep fog, and decide he wants to do all the heavy lifting for a long while. He has to feel lucky you even allow him to exist in the same universe as you!
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 03:12 PM
Do not talk to the OW. It's a complete waste of time because she is in her own fog. She will end up dragging you down to her immature level and you want to hold the higher ground because you ARE the morally high one.

I'd try to get him out. He hasn't hit rock bottom yet and is going to continue to waffle as long as he can.

You could always change the locks as soon as he leaves for a few hours. smile Leave his personal belongings on the front porch with your PBL and have a friend/family member locked inside with you.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 05:08 PM
I don't think I'll need to kick him out. I talked to his doctor and he wants him admitted immediately.

I really don't understand APs and WSs. How do they live with themselves causing so much destruction?
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 04/27/11 05:33 PM
Quote
How do they live with themselves causing so much destruction?

They don't. Don't think for a minute that his physical problems are not related to his immoral state of mind.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 05/06/11 09:55 PM
I want to thank everyone who contributed to this thread. Thanks for all the good advice.

After 2 years of dealing with this affair and 2 people who care about nothing but themselves, I'm now in Plan D.

This what I want, I don't want to fight anymore and I can't follow MB if the other person isn't willing to.

Posted By: SusieQ Re: Exposure bomb! - 05/06/11 10:17 PM
I have only read the last two pages but.... even though you are moving to Plan D, are you going to cut communication with your WH? Because I think that it will be necessary to completely remove yourself from the wayward drama so that you can begin to focus on your own personal recovery.

{{{TickyTock}}}}
Posted By: karmasrose Re: Exposure bomb! - 05/08/11 09:47 PM
Yes, the physical and moral are connected.

Have you ever read Mary, Bloody Mary? It's historical fiction, but I think it's a good representation of what waywards turn out like.

Her father starts out good before Anne showed up, and he ends up looking terrible after the entire ordeal.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 09/06/11 03:33 AM
Hey ya'll... I realized today that I should update to let everyone know WHY MB didn't work for me, just in case any new folks saw this thread and said, LOOK IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK smile

I had a kind of epiphany a few days after making the decision to D. I just couldn't figure out why, oh why didn't the program work for me.

Turns out my WH fell off the wagon, so to speak. Drugs during the A and he returned to alcoholism (hid it really darn well, too!!) about halfway through it. I guess I was so concerned with the infidelity alien inhabiting him, I blew off the other signs.

He finally went true NC on July. Still in D, though. He refuses to hit AA again, and I won't stay married to an alcoholic. I'll have him out of my house very very soon. I'm buying my own house (yay me!) and should be all over with in the next couple of months smile

I still hang around, my geekiness does come in handy sometimes and knowledge is golden smile AND I imagine I'll be hitting the divorcing board soon with TONS of questions!

So, in closing (for you newbies) MB does not work until there are no OTHER addictions. Take care of those and you CAN recover, better than before.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Exposure bomb! - 09/06/11 03:49 AM
TickyTock, I am sorry it didn't work out for you, but I still consider you a success. It sounds like divorce is the definition of success here. Thanks for the update.
Posted By: Surfer88 Re: Exposure bomb! - 09/06/11 04:09 AM
Tink (remember me over at OI?),

You are a smarty gal. Dammit. I wished a better path for you and that xxxx, but I'm glad you are OK and doing well.

You've helped me a lot here with your geekie knowledge (you've no idea! I read 99% more than I post), so stay close as you see fit here at MBs. See you on OI.

Prayers to you, Ticky.

Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 09/07/11 02:43 AM
Thanks, ML. I feel like a success smile I am stronger than I've ever been and it feels good. Oddly enough, it was the A that really woke me up... I was fogged out beyond belief. But that's a story for the Alanon boards!

Surfer, I'll be hanging around... sharing whatever I can on OI and here. I'm trying to compile a list of resources I used for info digging, I just gotta remember them.
Posted By: EverAfter2010 Re: Exposure bomb! - 09/07/11 04:38 AM
Sometimes recovery is a self recovery TT. It was for me, and sounds like it will be good for you too! wishing you and the children a new beautiful future.
Posted By: MarriedForever Re: Exposure bomb! - 09/07/11 03:03 PM
Thanks for the update, TT, you are recovering yourself and that is what matters. Good for you!
Posted By: TickyTock Re: Exposure bomb! - 05/17/12 12:50 PM
My divorce was final May 15. It's over, finally.

WXH is still living with OW, claims he wanted to leave her months ago but I wouldn't let him come home. Whatever. He's still foggy, I no longer care.

I'm greedy, selfish, bitter and implacable but I'm the happiest I've been in YEARS. I just have no interest in men, at all. Until the need to have the male persuasion crawl over fire naked to prove loyalty goes away, I'll keep to myself smile

I got a puppy, instead. Any if any of ya'll know about Dobermans, then you know that I have my hands very full with a teething puppy.

If I can impart any wisdom at all, ladies, DO NOT do an extended plan A. If you have any interest in recovering your marriage, listen to everyone here and the Harleys.

And for those BWs with addicts, Plan A is useless, they will walk all over you and NOT remember it. Plan B. Do it now, get them to sober up. They WILL remember that and thank you for it in the future.
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums