Wife sneak divorced me after 4 years - 03/22/11 12:31 AM
Hello everyone! I've been reading this site for about 6 months. I'd like to share my story as briefly as possible and would love some of your combined intuition and guidance moving forward. Here goes...
Quick background: Wife and I were together about 6 years, married a bit over 4. No kids. Religious family. Mostly good relationship, though I hadn't met some of her EN's for a few years. Just didn't realize the importance until things went down...
In August, my wife started an EA (which turned sexual very within a couple weeks) with a guy she barely knew 2 weeks from work, although I didn't know it at the time. She said she wanted to separate and stay at her brother's for a while to "think". To keep a long story short, my suspicions were aroused when she came home 10 days later saying she wanted a divorce (with a lot of negative embellishment about my shortcomings as a husband).
I confronted her a week later, and got her to admit to the affair. She came home less than two weeks later. She had formally filed for divorce 3 days before coming home. We were healing, though she stayed at her job, having moved her desk, and assured me there wasn't much chance for contact.
The next two months were probably the happiest of our lives. She said she was telling her mom and best friend that she was the happiest she'd ever been. I found a depth and beauty to her that I'd never known, and I was truly happy.
UNFORTUNATELY...
Then she started pulling back a bit around Thanksgiving. It worried me, but I figured as long as I stayed consistent, made good on the promises I'd made to her on my end as far as what I'd change about me that she needed, that she'd come around.
Most days were pretty good. We truly have that best friend quality to our relationship. We did everything together, enjoyed each other's company, didn't fight, and agree on almost everything.
Some days sucked, and she was acting in her own words "wishy-washy". After Christmas, things went really downhill. She started talking divorce again. By mid-January, I was worried, and then as I monitored the phone records, the suspicious texts had started again (they never talked on the phone, but were heavy texters the first time around).
I confronted her, got the whole "I can't live the rest of my life being monitored" and "you're too controlling" garbage, which this time I saw for what it was. She said she wanted a divorce, and I asked her to leave, since I knew that an affair was happening again. She denied of course, but fool me once... I knew the patterns of behavior to look for this time.
Now it gets really messed up...
We'd never cancelled the original divorce paperwork, just out of laziness, and because in our state, it goes away after a certain amount of time if nothing happens. I came to find out the she filed a notice of default on me in early December, since I'd never filed a response as she came back a few days after she filed the petition. I also saw in the court records that she'd had 3 default divorce appointments scheduled in January before she went through with the last one. A week after I kicked her out (nicely), we were divorced.
The day before, I went by the guy's house. Sure enough, there's her car outside. I exposed to her mother (who'd been mildly encouraging her to leave me without knowing all the facts of the first time around), and her best friend. Got some furious texts from my wife about how when this is over, she never wants to see or talk to me again, etc.
Oddly enough, two days later (the day after our divorce), she comes by to start going through furniture. She's hostile at the start. We relax as we start to the task, then start joking around a little. Then she asks me to lunch. I go, and while at the table, I said a few very kind words to her, and tears start pouring down her face.
I firmly believe that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants from life.
Since the divorce
We've done our taxes together recently. We spent 3 hours together wrapping them up the less than a week ago, and had a great time together, as much as it can be in light of what's happening. She finds reasons to text me about my future life plans (am I keeping the house or not, which she has no claim to or interest in, other than an emotional investment) and our pets that we both love.
I've been nothing but kind to her in all of our interactions. I've let her know I don't support her choices, that I care about her very much, and still love her deeply. I'm not needy when I interact. I'm very positive and optimistic about the future, and am already out meeting new people for friendship (no rebounds and nothing sexual). I'm not ready quite yet, but not opposed if a great woman comes along. Things are moving forward in my life, and I've subtlety let her know all these things.
Here's where I need to crowdsource some advice
I know there's a wealth of experience on these boards. I've recently read Surviving the Affair by Dr. Harley, and Private Lies by Frank Pittman (that I'd found discussed in this extremely helpful thread ). Both of these experts suggest that the type of affair that my ex-wife is involved in (the "soul mate", in love with being in-love affair) usually last less than 6 months after seeing the light of day. Dr. Pittman goes so far as to say that most BS's in this type of affair generally are given a chance to work through things once the affair dies out.
It's been 2 months. My life and future happiness don't hang on whether she comes back, though I believe she will. We were both truly the happiest we'd ever been, until she let the communication develop with the OP again. There's just too much good between us. We're truly best friends, and can say with a fairly clear head at this point that I still love her dearly.
My tactic since she's left has been not to initiate contact on my end, but respond kindly when she contacts me, which is roughly once a week these days. I figure my carrot and stick phase was when she came back to me. The day after she left, she came by and got some of her stuff, and told me that I'd been an "almost perfect husband", and that she loved me, but not in love, not attracted to me, etc., which I saw for what it was: fog talk.
Sorry that was long, but I like to be thorough. What advice can you all give to me? I'd like to work through this, but can't obviously while the affair's going on. I went by the guy's house again the other day, and she's still there. We don't talk about her affair at all when we interact. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and wait for her to pull her head out of her butt, and let this thing die a natural death?
Quick background: Wife and I were together about 6 years, married a bit over 4. No kids. Religious family. Mostly good relationship, though I hadn't met some of her EN's for a few years. Just didn't realize the importance until things went down...
In August, my wife started an EA (which turned sexual very within a couple weeks) with a guy she barely knew 2 weeks from work, although I didn't know it at the time. She said she wanted to separate and stay at her brother's for a while to "think". To keep a long story short, my suspicions were aroused when she came home 10 days later saying she wanted a divorce (with a lot of negative embellishment about my shortcomings as a husband).
I confronted her a week later, and got her to admit to the affair. She came home less than two weeks later. She had formally filed for divorce 3 days before coming home. We were healing, though she stayed at her job, having moved her desk, and assured me there wasn't much chance for contact.
The next two months were probably the happiest of our lives. She said she was telling her mom and best friend that she was the happiest she'd ever been. I found a depth and beauty to her that I'd never known, and I was truly happy.
UNFORTUNATELY...
Then she started pulling back a bit around Thanksgiving. It worried me, but I figured as long as I stayed consistent, made good on the promises I'd made to her on my end as far as what I'd change about me that she needed, that she'd come around.
Most days were pretty good. We truly have that best friend quality to our relationship. We did everything together, enjoyed each other's company, didn't fight, and agree on almost everything.
Some days sucked, and she was acting in her own words "wishy-washy". After Christmas, things went really downhill. She started talking divorce again. By mid-January, I was worried, and then as I monitored the phone records, the suspicious texts had started again (they never talked on the phone, but were heavy texters the first time around).
I confronted her, got the whole "I can't live the rest of my life being monitored" and "you're too controlling" garbage, which this time I saw for what it was. She said she wanted a divorce, and I asked her to leave, since I knew that an affair was happening again. She denied of course, but fool me once... I knew the patterns of behavior to look for this time.
Now it gets really messed up...
We'd never cancelled the original divorce paperwork, just out of laziness, and because in our state, it goes away after a certain amount of time if nothing happens. I came to find out the she filed a notice of default on me in early December, since I'd never filed a response as she came back a few days after she filed the petition. I also saw in the court records that she'd had 3 default divorce appointments scheduled in January before she went through with the last one. A week after I kicked her out (nicely), we were divorced.
The day before, I went by the guy's house. Sure enough, there's her car outside. I exposed to her mother (who'd been mildly encouraging her to leave me without knowing all the facts of the first time around), and her best friend. Got some furious texts from my wife about how when this is over, she never wants to see or talk to me again, etc.
Oddly enough, two days later (the day after our divorce), she comes by to start going through furniture. She's hostile at the start. We relax as we start to the task, then start joking around a little. Then she asks me to lunch. I go, and while at the table, I said a few very kind words to her, and tears start pouring down her face.
I firmly believe that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants from life.
Since the divorce
We've done our taxes together recently. We spent 3 hours together wrapping them up the less than a week ago, and had a great time together, as much as it can be in light of what's happening. She finds reasons to text me about my future life plans (am I keeping the house or not, which she has no claim to or interest in, other than an emotional investment) and our pets that we both love.
I've been nothing but kind to her in all of our interactions. I've let her know I don't support her choices, that I care about her very much, and still love her deeply. I'm not needy when I interact. I'm very positive and optimistic about the future, and am already out meeting new people for friendship (no rebounds and nothing sexual). I'm not ready quite yet, but not opposed if a great woman comes along. Things are moving forward in my life, and I've subtlety let her know all these things.
Here's where I need to crowdsource some advice
I know there's a wealth of experience on these boards. I've recently read Surviving the Affair by Dr. Harley, and Private Lies by Frank Pittman (that I'd found discussed in this extremely helpful thread ). Both of these experts suggest that the type of affair that my ex-wife is involved in (the "soul mate", in love with being in-love affair) usually last less than 6 months after seeing the light of day. Dr. Pittman goes so far as to say that most BS's in this type of affair generally are given a chance to work through things once the affair dies out.
It's been 2 months. My life and future happiness don't hang on whether she comes back, though I believe she will. We were both truly the happiest we'd ever been, until she let the communication develop with the OP again. There's just too much good between us. We're truly best friends, and can say with a fairly clear head at this point that I still love her dearly.
My tactic since she's left has been not to initiate contact on my end, but respond kindly when she contacts me, which is roughly once a week these days. I figure my carrot and stick phase was when she came back to me. The day after she left, she came by and got some of her stuff, and told me that I'd been an "almost perfect husband", and that she loved me, but not in love, not attracted to me, etc., which I saw for what it was: fog talk.
Sorry that was long, but I like to be thorough. What advice can you all give to me? I'd like to work through this, but can't obviously while the affair's going on. I went by the guy's house again the other day, and she's still there. We don't talk about her affair at all when we interact. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and wait for her to pull her head out of her butt, and let this thing die a natural death?