Pregnant, due in a week, husband caught cheating.. - 03/29/11 01:52 PM
Hello everyone,
I'm new here, and I wanted to post on here to get some feedback from alternative sources. I found out about this affair about 2 months ago, so I've had some time to digest things, but here's the long and short of it:
I am due in a week with my second child (I am 29, "DH" is 30). DD is 2.5 and I have been with my husband for 10 years total (married for 6). Never has he ever given me a reason to believe that he was capable of infidelity, but I suppose you don't always know people like you think you do. I began becoming suspicious of his behavior back in November. He was constantly texting and showed a lack of interest in his family- again, something that was not typical of him. He also began dieting and lost about 20 lbs. During this time, his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So I blamed much of his behavior on her health. I essentially gave him a free pass on a lot of the red flags that were there.
Fast forward to the beginning of February. My suspicions were building. Although he always came home after work to be with us, he was continuing to text excessively and act strange. He would never let me get my hands on his phone, and basically slept with it next to his head. One night intuition got the best of me, and I was somehow able to (at 3am) get his phone away from him while he slept. It was at this point that I saw about a dozen flirtatious texts. At that time, he tried to convince me that these were texts between a woman he had "befriended" at work and that they would stop immediately. I immediately contacted the woman (she's only 23), and made her aware that this was completely inappropriate and that all contact was to stop. She sincerely apologized and said it would never continue. I made DH vow that if he stayed he would give me all computer/e-mail/phone/bank account passwords and would not use his cell phone in our home again. He followed through. Unfortunately, this is how the rest of the affair came to light:
Over the next few weeks of February, I, through very tedious search processes, uncovered much more information in his work e-mail account. He had been taking her to lunch almost daily through the months of November and December, met her out socially (at the mall once and once at a bar). And he also later confessed that he went "running" after DD went to bed and she drove to the town where we live to meet him so they could "talk" in a parking lot nearby. He confessed to having kissed her twice, but nothing further. (I've gotten STD tests that have come back clean...not that this means that I believe him fully.) I also uncovered a Christmas list of gifts that he had purchased for her. (2 outfits, some cheap jewelry, and a flower.) After reading through these e-mails, it was clear to me that she was continuing to stroke his ego because he was willing to spend money on her. I later found an e-mail from January that she had sent to him, saying that she was uncomfortable with the situation and that it would be better if they remained friends.
After I found all of this information, I immediately confronted him with it, and kicked him out. I changed the locks and sought out attourneys. I never thought that I'd ever have it in me to want to work things out. After several weeks of separation, I could see that my daughter deeply missed her father. He vowed that this relationship was over before I ever found out about it, that he never told me because he knew I'd leave, and that he would never have it in him to do this again to our family. He began going to counseling and reading relationship books. He met with my parents and his, confessed what he'd done and vowed to never hurt any of us again and that it was the biggest mistake he's ever made. Long story short, I was told in counseling that if I was going to try to make this work for my kids, that I needed to let him prove himself to me.
I let him come back, and he really has been trying. No more cell phone at all in our home, limited computer use (he has to use our iPad in the same room as me), and when he goes somewhere, we have to switch phones so I have access to all of his records (his phone is a company phone, so I can't check his bills.) I still have all of his passwords. He does not even have a key to our home. He continues to go to counseling alone, although I will begin going with him after the baby arrives. He makes an effort to go to church every week now, which he didn't before. He does seem much more committed to our family and even e-mails me while he's at work throughout the day, everyday.
My biggest concern is that the two of them still work in the same office together. BUT it's not a large office (maybe 30-40 employees) and there are several things that put my mind at ease about the situation: 1.) His father (who was traumatized when he found out) also works there. In the same area, and can keep an eye on the level of communication. My father-in-law is also her boss. So she has already said that she fears her job is at risk because of this. 2.) There are several other women in the office who know and who have said that they would contact me immediately if they were to see anything suspicious (apparently it was pretty obvious before that they were communicating and going to lunch.) I have been told recently that the two of them have not been speaking at all recently in the office and have been eating lunch separately.
The last thing I want to be about the situation is naive. I know that I'm going to get feedback in the form of: "Once a cheater, always a cheater." And I do believe that to a degree. But I also believe that people can make mistakes. HUGE mistakes. And that they are capable of learning from them. Of course I am still very emotionally scarred, devastated, and conflicted about the situation. I do feel as though his level of commitment is driving me in the right direction though. I just need some feedback from women who may have gone through something similar. Is there hope for him to change? Am I being too naive about the situation? Is there anything else I can do on my end to ensure that this will not happen again?
Thank you SO much in advance for any advice or anecdotes you can offer me! I sincerely appreciate it!
I'm new here, and I wanted to post on here to get some feedback from alternative sources. I found out about this affair about 2 months ago, so I've had some time to digest things, but here's the long and short of it:
I am due in a week with my second child (I am 29, "DH" is 30). DD is 2.5 and I have been with my husband for 10 years total (married for 6). Never has he ever given me a reason to believe that he was capable of infidelity, but I suppose you don't always know people like you think you do. I began becoming suspicious of his behavior back in November. He was constantly texting and showed a lack of interest in his family- again, something that was not typical of him. He also began dieting and lost about 20 lbs. During this time, his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So I blamed much of his behavior on her health. I essentially gave him a free pass on a lot of the red flags that were there.
Fast forward to the beginning of February. My suspicions were building. Although he always came home after work to be with us, he was continuing to text excessively and act strange. He would never let me get my hands on his phone, and basically slept with it next to his head. One night intuition got the best of me, and I was somehow able to (at 3am) get his phone away from him while he slept. It was at this point that I saw about a dozen flirtatious texts. At that time, he tried to convince me that these were texts between a woman he had "befriended" at work and that they would stop immediately. I immediately contacted the woman (she's only 23), and made her aware that this was completely inappropriate and that all contact was to stop. She sincerely apologized and said it would never continue. I made DH vow that if he stayed he would give me all computer/e-mail/phone/bank account passwords and would not use his cell phone in our home again. He followed through. Unfortunately, this is how the rest of the affair came to light:
Over the next few weeks of February, I, through very tedious search processes, uncovered much more information in his work e-mail account. He had been taking her to lunch almost daily through the months of November and December, met her out socially (at the mall once and once at a bar). And he also later confessed that he went "running" after DD went to bed and she drove to the town where we live to meet him so they could "talk" in a parking lot nearby. He confessed to having kissed her twice, but nothing further. (I've gotten STD tests that have come back clean...not that this means that I believe him fully.) I also uncovered a Christmas list of gifts that he had purchased for her. (2 outfits, some cheap jewelry, and a flower.) After reading through these e-mails, it was clear to me that she was continuing to stroke his ego because he was willing to spend money on her. I later found an e-mail from January that she had sent to him, saying that she was uncomfortable with the situation and that it would be better if they remained friends.
After I found all of this information, I immediately confronted him with it, and kicked him out. I changed the locks and sought out attourneys. I never thought that I'd ever have it in me to want to work things out. After several weeks of separation, I could see that my daughter deeply missed her father. He vowed that this relationship was over before I ever found out about it, that he never told me because he knew I'd leave, and that he would never have it in him to do this again to our family. He began going to counseling and reading relationship books. He met with my parents and his, confessed what he'd done and vowed to never hurt any of us again and that it was the biggest mistake he's ever made. Long story short, I was told in counseling that if I was going to try to make this work for my kids, that I needed to let him prove himself to me.
I let him come back, and he really has been trying. No more cell phone at all in our home, limited computer use (he has to use our iPad in the same room as me), and when he goes somewhere, we have to switch phones so I have access to all of his records (his phone is a company phone, so I can't check his bills.) I still have all of his passwords. He does not even have a key to our home. He continues to go to counseling alone, although I will begin going with him after the baby arrives. He makes an effort to go to church every week now, which he didn't before. He does seem much more committed to our family and even e-mails me while he's at work throughout the day, everyday.
My biggest concern is that the two of them still work in the same office together. BUT it's not a large office (maybe 30-40 employees) and there are several things that put my mind at ease about the situation: 1.) His father (who was traumatized when he found out) also works there. In the same area, and can keep an eye on the level of communication. My father-in-law is also her boss. So she has already said that she fears her job is at risk because of this. 2.) There are several other women in the office who know and who have said that they would contact me immediately if they were to see anything suspicious (apparently it was pretty obvious before that they were communicating and going to lunch.) I have been told recently that the two of them have not been speaking at all recently in the office and have been eating lunch separately.
The last thing I want to be about the situation is naive. I know that I'm going to get feedback in the form of: "Once a cheater, always a cheater." And I do believe that to a degree. But I also believe that people can make mistakes. HUGE mistakes. And that they are capable of learning from them. Of course I am still very emotionally scarred, devastated, and conflicted about the situation. I do feel as though his level of commitment is driving me in the right direction though. I just need some feedback from women who may have gone through something similar. Is there hope for him to change? Am I being too naive about the situation? Is there anything else I can do on my end to ensure that this will not happen again?
Thank you SO much in advance for any advice or anecdotes you can offer me! I sincerely appreciate it!