I recently found out that my husband of 10 1/2 years cheated on me! With a man! I am devastated!!! I had no clue!!! I just picked up his phone and saw a text from a "friend" saying he thought our marriage was over. I started crying uncontrollably and screaming no, no, no! My husband rushed into the room and asked what was wrong. I asked him who this person was. He had no reply. He than held me down and told me the affair was over. That it only happened once and that he was disgusted with himself. He says he wants our marriage to work. This was all three weeks ago. This past weekend we went out of town, and while gone I found out it did happen more than once. I am totally crushed. I don't know what to think. How can I trust him? How do I make this work? Do I want it to work? I love him more now than when I married him but I don't know if I can get past this! Any suggestions?
Hi HM, welcome to Marriage Builders! Sorry you are here.
I would get the book Surviving an Affair as soon possible so you understand what you are dealing with.
In the meantime, check out these links:
How to Survive Infidelity your greatest weapon against the affair:
When Should An Affair Be Exposed?
Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though.
Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though.
Don't worry, it applies to all affairs. It applies to your situation. You would use the same tactics to save your marriage.
Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though.
Do not have sex with your husband until you have both been checked for sexually transmitted diseases.
Oh definately! I already took care of that and made him see our doctor. It's so embarrassing to me. I feel so dirty myself and I did nothing wrong. I am trying everyday to put it behind me but every time I look at him I feel like I don't know who I'm looking at. I'm so angry but I still love him so much. I want to leave but yet I don't. I'm so confused.
Hi there Hurt,
I just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is normal, everyone that has dealt with an affair in the marriage, feels the same.........it is such a difficult thing to deal with, this is a great place to get a plan together for your marriage and yourself........
First of all you have to make sure there isn't anymore contact between them
and then you have to set up boundaries to make sure the situation can never happen again....
Complete transparency needs to happen and then the two of you work together to fill each other's emotional needs and the relationship should get back to a good place,
IC and MC might also be very helpful, good luck and welcome aboard....
jessi
Thanks Jessi! I found this site last night and I'm so glad I did! My husband says it's all over and I have access to check everything. But he won't tell me everything. Says he's trying to protect me. Which I appreciate. But I still want to know why, how long, where, ect...! He is seeing a counselor, I start next week and we are going to start couples counseling. Any other suggestions?
Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though.
Don't worry, it applies to all affairs. It applies to your situation. You would use the same tactics to save your marriage.
Hurt, this is very true, and I have heard Dr. Harley say so many times. You need the same things for recovery that any betrayed spouse needs:
1. No contact with the affair partner for the rest of his life. This is absolute no contact. No working at the same job, going to the same church, etc. Many couples find it helpful or necessary to move to a new city or state to ensure that there is absolutely no contact.
2. Extraordinary precautions to prevent a resurgence of the affair or a new affair with someone else. This includes radical honesty (transparency) about everything he is doing, thinking, plans for the future, personal history, etc. The conditions that led to an affair have to be completely eliminated.
3. Commitment to a marital recovery program.
I took this list from a recent post by board member Doormat_No_More, but he got the list from Dr. Harley:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163282&Number=2493824#Post2493824
Hi again,
some people need to know the details, but maybe you could focus on the feelings at the time instead of the actual facts.........why have that in your head.......it doesn't help believe me......
How did you find out? Have you exposed the affair to anyone? Was it someone he works with?
Do you have a plan for recovery yet, there is plenty of info on the site and you could consider online counseling from the Harley's
Again sorry you are here, but you are among friends willing to help
My husband says it's all over and I have access to check everything. But he won't tell me everything. Says he's trying to protect me.
Hurt, this is not good. Your marriage will not recover if your husband does not establish transparency for you. Instead of trying to protect you and decide what you do or do not need to know, you need him to adopt the policy that you are the one to decide what you need to know. If he really wants to protect you, then he needs to make it possible for you to protect yourself.
Thanks Jessi! I found this site last night and I'm so glad I did! My husband says it's all over and I have access to check everything. But he won't tell me everything. Says he's trying to protect me. Which I appreciate. But I still want to know why, how long, where, ect...! He is seeing a counselor, I start next week and we are going to start couples counseling. Any other suggestions?
HM, he will need to answer all your questions if trust is to be ever be regained. He is not protecting you by withholding facts about YOUR LIFE. His affair is pertinent information about your life.
Most marriage counselors do not have the slightest idea how to save marriages so I would ensure that your MC follows these steps. This is what it will take to recover your marriage:
"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair.
All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts
here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance."
Thanks again! I don't want the images in my head!!! True! But I'm just so full of questions! It was no one I know and they live about a 1 1/2 hour trip from us. I found out because my husband received a text from a "friend" of ours and I was going to reply because my husband was in the shower. But the text said the "friend" thought our marriage was over. I started reading through the previous texts and found everything. He immediately started telling me it was over and he was sorry. That he never meant for it to happen. He begs me everyday not to leave him. I've told him Im not going anywhere. To me marriage us forever but I never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. I gave told my best friend and my mom and dad, although my parents don't know it was with another guy. I don't know what my dad would do. We are also doing the couples devotional book from the movie Fireproof and he is doing the individual book from the same movie. Have you seen it? It's really good! Of course I'm a Christian so I have God on my side. He has been my rock and shield thru the past few weeks. I just found out on March 6th. That date will forever be in my mind!
Thanks MelodyLane! I will definately talk to him tonight!!! I've tried but so far he is not willing to talk about everything. He is slowly telling me things though. But I'll try again tonight!
I have seen the movie Fireproof, exposure is so your husband can be accountable for his actions, anyone that is important to him know, his parents, his siblings, his friends, work place. It just makes it harder for him to do it again or continue, I have to say that a lot of affairs go further under ground when they are discovered you need to keep checking until you are sure.
He is going to say everything you want to hear, but don't believe the words only his actions.........don't trust him for now, he will have to prove he can be trusted again..
It is really early in on discovery, don't be so willing to make him feel comfortable, you have a long way to go setting up boundaries.........he needs to feel a little scared about his life falling apart........consequences is a good thing, getting to the problem is key, have you seen anything before that you have tipped you off that he was capable of this?
lots to fix before forgivess is given.
I don't want the images in my head!!! True! But I'm just so full of questions!
Hurt, one thing some couples have done is establish one timeslot each week to talk about the affair. The betrayed spouse writes their questions down ahead of time and doesn't ask them unless they have been on the list a few days, so he or she has had time to think it over and decide they really want the answer.
BUT, your husband isn't showing that he's willing to be transparent. I would imagine that makes you suspicious of everything!! And rightly so. It sounds like there are some even more damaging things that he does not want you to find out.
It was no one I know and they live about a 1 1/2 hour trip from us.
It sounds he is going to need to change his life in such a way that it is impossible for him to take a 1 1/2 hour trip alone without your knowledge.
But the text said the "friend" thought our marriage was over. I started reading through the previous texts and found everything. He immediately started telling me it was over and he was sorry.
Did the texts you saw indicate that the affair was over?
He begs me everyday not to leave him.
I would tell him: "I am willing to give our marriage a chance if you will agree to never see this man again as long as you live, and will go through the Marriage Builders program of marital recovery with me." Make it clear that he needs to actually DO something!
Have you read Dr. Harley's article about Just Compensation? It's a three-part article:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042c_qa.htmlWe are also doing the couples devotional book from the movie Fireproof and he is doing the individual book from the same movie. Have you seen it? It's really good!
I've seen Fireproof and really liked it, but one thing I didn't like about The Love Dare is that the ideas may seem really loving to some recipients but not to others. For example, some women love flowers and others simply do not care and they mean nothing to them. In my opinion it's better to get enough information about each other that the caring things you do for each other are things that the other person actually likes. This is what you have to do if you want to have a marriage with romantic love. Romantic love is the litmus test to find out if your caring love is being carried out properly or not.
Hurt, being a Christian, I thought you might appreciate this Bible verse about the value of exposure:
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
This is John 3:20-21.
Dr. Harley has a Christian devotional guide for his marriage program coming out later this year which is going to talk about the Christian underpinnings of his program. But I think it's going to be focusing on the more positive aspects.
Thanks for all the above info. I'm planning on talking to him tonight about all the info I've been given. I know it's an uphill battle!
Um... I'm really surprised no one has brought up the elephant in the room - your husband's sexual orientation. This is not just a normal affair - he may truly be attracted to men and felt forced to hide it during your marriage.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through - you certainly don't deserve it, and needless to say he should have been more honest with you and himself before marriage about hiss desires and feelings.
I'm not saying that he is 100% homosexual - perhaps somewhere on the sliding spectrum from homosexual to heterosexual, but, it's time for him to be honest. How long has he been attracted to men? Did he repress it out of shame? Is he truly attracted to women or not?
His answers to those questions will determine whether or not the marriage can be saved. If he's coming out of the closet and is gay, then you're fighting a losing battle.
Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me?
Anyway, keep us posted. Best wishes through this difficult time.
Peter
Um... I'm really surprised no one has brought up the elephant in the room - your husband's sexual orientation. This is not just a normal affair - he may truly be attracted to men and felt forced to hide it during your marriage.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through - you certainly don't deserve it, and needless to say he should have been more honest with you and himself before marriage about hiss desires and feelings.
I'm not saying that he is 100% homosexual - perhaps somewhere on the sliding spectrum from homosexual to heterosexual, but, it's time for him to be honest. How long has he been attracted to men? Did he repress it out of shame? Is he truly attracted to women or not?
His answers to those questions will determine whether or not the marriage can be saved. If he's coming out of the closet and is gay, then you're fighting a losing battle.
Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me?
Homosexual attraction may or may not be genetic...but homosexual ACTS are definitely a choice. He can abstain from homosexual acts/breaking marriage vows in the same way any wayward can stop an affair.
I probably would not stay married to a man who was attracted to other men and who had been unfaithful with other men. But that is me. This poster has to make her own decision.
Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me?
According to Dr. Harley, any of us can be sexually attracted to someone of the same gender, under the right conditions. Or to an animal. Or to an inanimate object.
It's cool if you want to disagree and discuss, just take it to another thread so this poster can be helped with Dr. Harley's perspective, which is what the site exists to help people with.
Amazingly enough I was listening to Dr. Harley talk about exactly this on an old radio broadcast from 2006 today in my car just before I arrived at work and read this post.
Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me?
Whatever your belief on this, it's encompassed in the statement MelodyLane made: "Don't worry, it applies to all affairs. It applies to your situation. You would use the same tactics to save your marriage."
If the husband and wife can follow the program, then the marriage can recover. If he doesn't do his part, the marriage cannot recover. We could debate the causes of that, but whatever the reason, it doesn't change the facts that this is what it takes to grow a great marriage, and if these principles are followed the marriage can recover.
I think this is about saving a marriage, not the OP in the affair, the same in any situation..........
All the facts are the same, all the emotions are the same.........dealing with the plan is the same............
Shock, disappointment, denial, disbelief, it's all the same.......forgiveness, rebuilding, recovery..............going through the stages...........
Read, Educate yourself and take the time to put together a great plan.............
this is a great place to land for help......use the experience and advice you will get here................
talk to you soon...
Many homosexuals have changed their sexual orientations throughout their lifetimes. My best friend (who turned Pastor) eventually became married and is completely straight... but that is besides the point... The point is we need to get help for this family so their marriage will grow and be enriched.
Eric
Um... I'm really surprised no one has brought up the elephant in the room - your husband's sexual orientation.
Because its not relevant to the issue and apparently everyone else realizes that. Homosexuality is not genetic. Dr Harley treats homosexual affairs just the same as hetero affairs. We need to focus on helping her save her marriage.
Thanks all! It's a roller coaster right now. I tried to talk to him tonight but he is not feeling well this week so it didnt work out. But he will have to talk to me soon if he wants it to work. I'm not a doormat. Tonight he just kept repeating "I love you" and "please don't leave me". I told him I'm not going anywhere. Tomorrows another day! I plan to read some more of Surviving an Affair.
By the way, what is a keylogger? Can it be used on cellphones?
Arpeggi, I guess you're missing that if you want to talk about different viewpoints on the matter, you should do it on another thread, not this one. The Marriage Builders forum policy on this is very clear, but a lot of people seem to misunderstand or misconstrue it.
This forum is for the purpose of helping people use Marriage Builders. If you can help this poster with Marriage Builders, please do. If not, then refrain from posting. Let's drop the politics and get back to marriage building!
Thank you, Fireproof
All right, thanks Markos, I definitely get it now. Thanks for bringing me to the light. Good luck, OP - I'm out.
Key loggers are for your comp so unless it's linked to your phone it's not possible, there are other things you can download on his phone and have messages sent to a different email address, there is a ling about snooping and investigational options.
GPS in his car, Voice Activated Recorders in his car.........check the link out see what might work in your case.......
keep your eyes and ears open right now...........
and remember he is in affair fog right now, don't believe what he says until you know for sure what he says is true.....
Let his actions speak for him...........
good luck
Please tell me you and your H are going for STD testing immediately! You know that now you cannot give blood, donate organs etc? This is serious, if you have had SF with your H since his sexual encounters with this OM you have now been exposed to this OM's other sexual partner's. HIV etc. are too scary not to get tested immediately for.
Ok, I see you mentioned you sent your H to the doctor. You need to be checked as well and will need to be repeated after 6 months.
Yes! The dr was seen. H is being treated for ED and Epididymitis right now anyway so our sex life is non-existent. Has been for over a year!!! He says he wants it to work out but I don't know if I can believe him or not. Last night he said he felt like I had him in a box and he couldn't even go down the road for 5 minutes by himself without me thinking the worst. I told him he put himself in the box by being unfaithful. I NEVER distrusted him before. Last night after he went to bed I laid awake until 5 am wondering what my next step should be. I'm reading the book but I don't know what I want. I feel like I'm living with a stranger and even though I'm trying really hard to stay in forgiveness mode he refuses to talk about it. Says he's not comfortable talking to me about it. He is seeing a therapist but they are talking about his childhood and things that don't pertain to our problem.
Regarding STDs.....
Oh definately! I already took care of that and made him see our doctor.
Sorry, ONE round of testing will not be sufficient.
Every three months for a few times.
Do you Know exactly what tests were run?
You should go in anyway and be tested as well.
Sorry, ONE round of testing will not be sufficient.
Every three months for a few times.
Do you Know exactly what tests were run?
You should go in anyway and be tested as well.
Have you and your WH explained to your doctors that he has engaged in sexual activity with other men? This puts you in a high-risk category, HM. Your doctors need to know this in order to perform the tests needed to confirm you're clean.
I feel like I'm living with a stranger and even though I'm trying really hard to stay in forgiveness mode he refuses to talk about it. Says he's not comfortable talking to me about it. He is seeing a therapist but they are talking about his childhood and things that don't pertain to our problem.
HM, if you can swing it, I would counsel with the Harley's. They can help you by giving you a plan to save your marriage. Talking about his childhood is cute and everything, but it does absolutely nothing to address the real problems. Its about like discussing the paint color on the sinking Titanic. You need a PLAN to save your marriage if you want to turn this around.
I hadn't been on here in so long it took me awhile to find the original post. So sorry! I did read SAA. But I can't do it by myself. And we don't have the money to buy the program or have couples counseling with anyone on here. And no, I don't know the details of the affair, anything about the OM, or anything. I agree that that's what is making me feel this way. I feel shut out of his life. I'm afraid to discuss it with him. To be honest it's not even discussed and hasn't been for months! He just says it's behind us!
HM, when you agree to stay with a cheater, they have to agree to all the steps required to recover the marriage or you don't have a marriage. Having no plan is a plan to fail. If he won't commit to a plan of recovery, you should plan to separate. I posted this to another poster and this is how the discussion should go:
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc
4. no more opposite sex friendships
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
4. no more opposite sex friendships
In your situation, it would have to include SAME sex friendships....