Marriage Builders
Posted By: Asterix4 Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 12:39 PM

After 15 years of marriage - which I thought were good - and 2 beautiful children, I discovered last month that my husband had been having an affair. I asked him to leave and he did. 36 hours later, he was back, begging for forgiveness and in clear distress. In the intervening hours he had phoned my parents, his sister and my sister, begging them for forgiveness and telling them that he had made a huge mistake and wanted to make it better. My parents said that they had never heard a man cry in that way.

My husband works away from home and the affair was with someone who was visitng his place of work. It consisted of 8 'meetings' and numerous emails. Whilst embroiled in the affair, he began telling me when he came home that he wasnt sure whether he loved me anymore - or that he loved me but wasn't in love with me - heartbreaking for me... He told me initially that he felt nothing for her but i found an email where he says that has has 'never felt this way' and that he loved her and couldn't let her go. As soon as I found out about the affair, he did break it off, but called her once to apologise for the huge mess. I know from the emails I have seen that the OW loves him - or thinks she does. He says it was just an infatuation and meant nothing, that I am his world and he wants me and only me - and our 2 children. He has attended a Relate meeting with me and that went well - the problem? Despite all his lovely and loving words and apologies, I am terrified of believing him and trying to 'move on'. I am supposed to be going away with him for 2 days tomorrow and needed some advice to help me through. I do love him - although it is deeply buried just now - I just need to be able to heal - how does one do this?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 01:08 PM
Asterix, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry this has happened to you. Many of us here have recovered our marriages using this program. The difference between Marriage Builders and other programs is that these steps restore the romantic love to the marriage. We can help you do that if you and your H can make some lifestyle changes.

The most glaring problem I see here is your husband's traveling job. They are an invitation to an affair, as you have learned the hard way. That has to change if you want to recover your marriage. And there are 2 reasons for this, first the conditions that led to the affair have to be removed. And secondly, in order to create romantic love in your marriage, your H needs to be home with you every day. Living apart like this creates a sense of detachment that makes him vulnerable to an affair. It also creates opportunity. As long as he travels he will have opportunities to contact his OW.

That is where I would start if I were you.

Additionally, everyone should know about the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so bringing it out into the open is like chemotherapy to cancer. Your children and close family should be told about it. If the OW is married, then her husband and family should be told. [by YOU - without warning] I would also consider informing her employer because she is a walking legal and business risk to her company.

Please get the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley and read it so you will understand what you are dealing with. [I think it is on Kindle] In the meantime, I will leave you with these articles and links to get you started:

How to Survive Infidelity

and this article sums it up best, IMO:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
here
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 01:18 PM
Originally Posted by Asterix4
Despite all his lovely and loving words and apologies, I am terrified of believing him and trying to 'move on'.

It takes about 2 years to recover from an affair. That is *IF* he makes just compensation, which includes REMOVING THE CONDITIONS THAT LED TO THE AFFAIR. An affair is not something that can just be swept under the carpet. If the conditions don't change, then he is likely to resume his affair.

Let me ask you this: how do you feel when he travels NOW? Since you know what happens when he travels, can you imagine EVER feeling safe again when he leaves? I would imagine you have anxiety attacks when he leaves for a trip.

That will not change. Your anxiety is well warranted and will impede your personal recovery.
Posted By: Asterix4 Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 01:31 PM
Hi thank you for your reply. Our families do know - The other woman is unmarried - or at least her husband died some years ago now. The children also know. His job is not a travelling one - he works away for three nights per week for 2 weeks, staying in a B&B and then works from home all the 3rd week. His job is very specific and can't easily be transferred - plus we live very rurally and dont feel it is right to move the children who are at crucial stages in school. We cant move to him for the same reason - schooling is not good there. I do feel a bit stuck like this but financially we could not afford him to give up work as I gave up 'proper' work years ago to be with the children through schooling adn only take in a minimum (tiny!) pay.

Help!
Posted By: Asterix4 Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 01:35 PM
...also. the OW lives on the mainland where he is on a remote island....I spoke to the OW and she promised never to contact him again...........
Posted By: RidicSit Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 01:45 PM
Originally Posted by Asterix4
...also. the OW lives on the mainland where he is on a remote island....I spoke to the OW and she promised never to contact him again...........

I know you are in shock, but step back and look at how silly this statement is.

You cannot trust the OW- you cannot rely on her keeping your marriage safe. Do you understand? She's done a great job of it previously, right? Don't hire her permanently.

You need to make the changes that protect you. With your husband. You cannot rely on her.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 01:52 PM
Originally Posted by Asterix4
His job is not a travelling one - he works away for three nights per week for 2 weeks, staying in a B&B and then works from home all the 3rd week. His job is very specific and can't easily be transferred - plus we live very rurally and dont feel it is right to move the children who are at crucial stages in school.

This is where I would focus. Changing this job situation will be the solution. If you don't change this, you can't expect to change the dynamics that led to the affair. There is no job that is worth your marriage and your children's family so I would find a way to change this.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 01:58 PM
Originally Posted by Asterix4
...also. the OW lives on the mainland where he is on a remote island....I spoke to the OW and she promised never to contact him again...........

Did you laugh? Surely you do not imagine that this is any protection whatsoever? First off, the OW can obviously travel to the remote island. And your husband, since he travels, is free to contact her. They have ample opportunity to continue their affair. As long as the opportunity exists, you can expect repeat contact.

This is like sending the "recovering alcoholic" into the bar every day, putting a drink in front of him and expecting him to stay sober. Will power failed him in the past and it will fail him in the future. It is the same with your H. You will not be safe until you REMOVE the opportunity.

And secondly, the "word" of a dishonorable slag who just did your husband means nothing. You can fully expect her to continue to pursue your H when the coast clears. She has no respect for you and no respect for your marriage.

Have you confirmed that she is not married? OW are liars and her word means nothing. I would verify this information.
Posted By: Asterix4 Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 02:01 PM
she is def not married - my husband has been to her house and seen pics of her dead husband
Posted By: markos Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 02:07 PM
Originally Posted by Asterix4
she is def not married - my husband has been to her house and seen pics of her dead husband

Have you seen those pictures? Have you seen a death certificate? Have you been there?

Maybe this is a lie your husband told you because he felt like it kept him from looking so bad.

Maybe this is a lie the other woman told your husband to get him to get involved with her or because it kept her from looking so bad.

How would you know if it is a lie or the truth?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 02:17 PM
Originally Posted by Asterix4
she is def not married - my husband has been to her house and seen pics of her dead husband

I would strongly suggest you verify this story. The ow could be lying or your H or both. If she was bringing married men to her home to shag them, it wouldn't be surprising if she explained away her husbands photos this way.
Posted By: markos Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 02:33 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Asterix4
she is def not married - my husband has been to her house and seen pics of her dead husband

I would strongly suggest you verify this story. The ow could be lying or your H or both. If she was bringing married men to her home to shag them, it wouldn't be surprising if she explained away her husbands photos this way.

I must be out of it this morning -- I read the phrase "pics of her dead husband" as meaning "pics of the corpse!"

Which makes no sense at all. Surely she didn't show him funeral pictures, did she? And if she didn't, how would pictures of her husband prove he was dead?

More coffee for me, please; I am out of it if I would ever imagine that displaying open casket pictures is normal behavior for a woman on the prowl. Or anyone, for that matter.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 02:53 PM
Welcome to Marriage Builders, Asterix. I am so sorry you have to deal with the terrible actions of your husband and the OW. frown

You're getting some great advice. It would behoove you to take it. I get the feeling you are hedging on the one thing that needs to happen to make sure this A is dead and stays that way: your WH needs to change his job schedule. If he is unable to do that, he needs to change jobs. Your response tells me that you are putting your children first in your thoughts, which is very admirable. If you're really thinking of them, remember that the best possible scenario for the children is to have two parents who are in love with each other and are living together under one roof, as an intact family. It's difficult to maintain an intact family while one of the spouses is in an active affair. And your WH will probably continue this affair if his working conditions are not changed.

I know it's hard, but try not to put too much stock in the garbage that spewed out of their mouths about how they loved each other, blah blah blah. That's all Affair-Speak. It comes when two normally moral individuals decide to throw their morals away in order to justify their vile actions. We've all heard the Affair-Speak before. You should have heard some of the lame crap my H spewed to his AP. It was very upsetting to hear at the time. Now I look back on it and roll my eyes. I'm embarrassed for him because his actions and words were so poor. He is mortified to remember the things he said and did.

I am 2 years out from D-Day, so I've had some time to heal. And healing is what you'll need to do. You are extremely raw and hurting right now. I know we all wish we could take that pain away from you so you won't have to experience what we did, but that can't happen. In the meantime, come here and we'll help you get through it.

I would suggest you not talk to your WH about this site right now. This is your safe place. You can talk to him about it later, when you're a little farther along in healing and recovering.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Confounded and Heartbroken - 05/17/11 04:38 PM
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Asterix4
she is def not married - my husband has been to her house and seen pics of her dead husband

I would strongly suggest you verify this story. The ow could be lying or your H or both. If she was bringing married men to her home to shag them, it wouldn't be surprising if she explained away her husbands photos this way.

I must be out of it this morning -- I read the phrase "pics of her dead husband" as meaning "pics of the corpse!"

Which makes no sense at all. Surely she didn't show him funeral pictures, did she? And if she didn't, how would pictures of her husband prove he was dead?

More coffee for me, please; I am out of it if I would ever imagine that displaying open casket pictures is normal behavior for a woman on the prowl. Or anyone, for that matter.

I took it to mean there were photos around of her husband and she told him that was her "deceased" husband as an explanation. I have never heard of anyone displaying pictures of a family member in their deceased state.
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