Ok I have been married for 5 years and My wife cheated with my very good friend- BUT.....this GUY is married to My WIFES BEST friend(who dosent know YET)...I was so blown away when i found out I couldnt even believe it...I caught them before they had slept together BUT they had already had A LOT of fun...mainly a texting fantasy that they acted on few times....finally going to a hotel little bit out of town. I just lost my business to a act of nature a week before the affair started. My wife says she loves me and cant believe she did this to her friend and husband....we had some problems and I have lied and done my share to destroy this relationship...NOW i am forcing my wife to come clean to her best friend ....and my wife really dosent see any value in this...because she believes this guy just made some bad judgement and he loves her friend and is a very good husbad(he is good at deception)...so now i have been on an emotional rollercoaster....no fighting with my wife either....we love each other and have been together on and off and VERY intimite a few nights...I had some AMAZING nights with her and felt closer than ever....BUT now she is having to destroy and face her best friend and I think because I am making her do this...im going to lose my wife because of it....But i feel its the only way. I have made my choice on telling her friend....but Im not sure how to handle my wife after it comes out...she is telling her best friend what she did TODAY because I will not live with this being swept under the carpet! I have my wife back right now but she is starting to say... what she did was to trbl and we should move on....even though she has begged me to give us a chance. she is SO hurt and confused right now because I am making this affair known by her best friend. I am letting my wife tell her friend. Im going to try and win my wife back AGAIN after this happens by showing her love and support....if she rejects me I will move on with my life....and if she realizes she did the right thing and is not bitter about what i made her FACE....then i guess thats the end. I figure it will work it self out as long as I do the right thing here... which i am...please wish me luck...i cant see any other way i could have handled this better....please give me some input...

I love my wife and i take a lot of the blame that put us at this point....it seams pretty bad what she did...but God knows i really am no saint...and I am also a liar. I think this could accually renew a desire and love for each other that was lost. I had a wake up call when i lost my business....but this has been her wake up call ....no lets see if what we both want in life ....100% is each other....thats where i am in my story...

Really this isn't that uncommon and Im sorry you are here. Often Affairs are with BFs and even siblings. The vets will be along soon enough to aid you in your plans. Have you ordered and read DR Harleys books yet? If Not then thats a good move. Until then read every page on this site. Order Surviving an Affair, His needs her needs and love busters to start.
It will also be helpful to know more about you like do you have children?

Sorry but I have a lot of questions...

Any children?
How old are you and your wife?
Would you and your wife be willing to never see these friends again?
Can you independently verify that WW and OM are not in contact any more?
Is WW ready to do a no contact letter?

And it was a PA. Adults don't go to a hotel room to chat.

There�s a few steps you need to take to save your marriage, but there really is no choice in what you must do.

First, you have to tell OM�s wife.
Second, you must go to no contact for life with the OM and the other couple.

They WERE your best friends, but they are no longer.

Sweeping this under the rug is not an option.

Also, if you think they went to a hotel and didn�t have sex then you�re very na�ve. The did have sex.

These things aren�t negotiable and your wife has no choice in the matter short of divorce. You can�t have any more contact with this couple and the OM and your WW have proven that neither of them are good friends.

Do not leave telling OM�s wife to your WW. She will either sugarcoat it or not tell her the full truth.

There are no half measures here. This will eat you up inside every time you guys are around the other couple since you will now know that OM, your �best friend�, has slept with your wife.

You will also end up leaving the door open for it to happen down the road if you don�t cutoff all contact.

Best of luck to you. Any kids?

We have no kids.... and i have read Surviving an Affair...I have been reading a lot of what people go thru on this site...I try and relate.

Im American but my wife is Columbian....we are very different but have a lot of love and are a lot alike in many great ways. Our relationship has been unique but it was not that bad when she cheated....she says it didnt have anything to do with me....she has said over and over again IT WAS JUST AN ESCAPE FROM REALITY....and as soon it was found out it totally died and she relized how stupid and dumb it was to get involved into the affair...it lasted about a month before i found EVERYTHING... I know my wife loves me...but sometimes love is not enough...

no kids and I am 32 and she is turning 30... after today... and her friend knows everything it is very apparent that we will never talk to them again...I do believe it is over and will remain over...

No contact letter? is that like a contract between me and her? Im sure she would...

if u broaden the word "Sex" then yes they did have sex....just not intercourse...Oral and other things might have happened...But not that this makes things any better or worse...I just caught them before they made it to the next level in thier affair...It was VERY hot and HEAVY and they were very much into each other....i found all the emails and texts...the whole thing was so crazy.

There are examples of no contact letters on this forum. The two of you agree on the wording and you see her send it. There are 2 purposes for the letter:

1. It sends a clear message to the OM that the affair is over and will not resume.

2. You get to see WW's reaction to the sending of the letter. If she balks, the affair may not be over for her. If she does it willingly, and wants to work on the marriage, you will be more likely to have a good outcome.

Im not worried about them being in conact again...but i think the letter is great affirmation for all parties involved. Im really only worried that my wife will resent me for making her destroy her best friend. She thinks no more pain needs to be inflicted...affair is over and no one needs to get hurt further...But i am letting her tell her friend...I almost did myself...but I want to give my marriage the best chance at surviving....SO I WAITED and I am letting my wife tell her. I hate my wife must endure more pain...and that really tears me up inside...Im ok...but i hate to see what my wife has went thur even worse...hopefully she will see that she did the right thing by telling her friend the truth and dosent resent me....i guess i will find out in the next few days...all happening right NOW.

Could you be present when WW tells OMW?

I am new to this forum and I was struck by your comment re: siblings. Are affairs with siblings that common?

W

CupJOE,

SHE destroyed her friendship when SHE decided to sleep with her BF husband.

She is protecting HERSELF by not owning up to her actions and facing the consequences.

Not telling the OMW is the most hurtful thing she can do. This woman deserves to know the truth about her life. How is she going to feel when she finds out that everyone knew but her?

Do not let your WW shift blame to you.

Hi Joe, sorry you are here. Inwould strongly suggest that your wife NOT be the one to tell her. That is to invite disaster. First off, it is unlikely the omw will get the truth and secondly, if she does get the truth she may assault your wife. It will be traumatic enough to get this news, why compound the trauma by having the perp tell her? This news should come from you - without warning. I would pick up the phone now and tell the OMW what has been done to her.

And I wouldn't be concerned about her resentment, it is YOUR resentment that will be the issue.

Im really only worried that my wife will resent me for making her destroy her best friend. Did you really say this? YOU didn't do anything, she owns this not you. It seems to me she made the choice in the motel room herself.

You did not destroy your wife's friend, though. That was done by your wife and the sleazy OM. Your telling the omw gives her the opportunity to protect herself from the cheaters.

Your wife can't blame you for for her cruel behavior and you should not accept that.

Don't buy this for one minute, CJ. They were in a motel room. In a bed. This is called trickle-truth. My H did the same thing. First it was 'just a kiss' then it was a 'kiss and she did oral' then it was a 'kiss and mutual stimulation'...you can figure out the rest. You don't have the full story yet.

The newscaster of a hurricane didn't create the hurricane nor the destruction in its path.

Are affairs with siblings that common? Common, not as common as say with a co-worker. But yes sisters falling in love with BILaws or brothers having affairs with the others wife isnt all that uncommon. Trust is afforded and can lead to ENs being met by in laws. Once those ENs are met its a short ticket to an A. I didn't mean siblings as in true paternal kin.

ok truth is out...and i will send an addition email to make sure she has all the truth as I do...But I dont even care anymore. I feel like nothing was accomplished and all i did was further hurt my marriage...I know it had to happen ...but it feels not good...I feel this is the end...oh and what i think feels really bad is...Now the other couple are going to stay together and my marriage is going to crash and burn....I dont feel good about anything right now...I am sitting here waiting for her to get home any minute now so we can talk...I thought after this was out in the open i would be ok....but Im not....im just not...

im in total panic mode

What happened? The truth is out to whom? What did you do?

What are you panicked about?

i was panicked about losing my marriage...her exbest friend that she betrayed now knows the truth....i have seen my wife and she is sleeping now....im out of panic mode. I think my marriage has a chance...Wish me luck...I will keep posting my progress. Now that everything is out in the open I feel like I personally can move on....I think it has made my wife take responsiblity for what she has done ...and i know for a fact she is going thru a lot of pain from it...Some of us need life to smack you right in the face in order to become better people....or even to become the better person you want to be...life is what u make of it...

Married 5 years now...

And how do you know this? What does the OM's wife know EXACTLY? You need to pick up the phone and find out what she does know and make sure she knows all the truth.


Her pain was self inflicted. The only pain that is relevant here is the pain of your wife's VICTIMS. Your wife has done a horrendously, cruel, selfish thing to this woman, so your sympathy is VERY INAPPROPRIATE.

I think your sympathy is very destructive to your marriage. Your wife has done a horrible thing that does not warrant sympathy. Instead of giving her inappropriate sympathy, I would focus on HOLDING HER ACCOUNTABLE.

Her pain was self inflicted. The only pain that is relevant here is the pain of your wife's VICTIMS. Your wife has done a horrendously, cruel, selfish thing to this woman, so your sympathy is VERY INAPPROPRIATE.

I think your sympathy is very destructive to your marriage. Your wife has done a horrible thing that does not warrant sympathy. Instead of giving her inappropriate sympathy, I would focus on HOLDING HER ACCOUNTABLE. [/quote]

I do understand what you are saying...Im still not 100% on this marriage accually working. I can't help but hold myself part to blame...I have my fair share of lies in this marriage....this is a wake up call for both of us to reintroduce trust and honesty back into our marriage. I now what my wife did was terrible...good chance this still ends in more heart break...But trust me. This all is far from over and my wife understands how much pain she has created due to her selfishness....major character issues in question here....but i feel she is truly remorsed...and she did destroy and lose her best friend....and greatly hurt her husband and marriage at the same time...she is going thru a lot of pain.

And accually from the beggining she has taken resposiblity for this...and i have been surprised how LITTLE she blames me...She has taken responsibilty. Im just tring to find the ways to move on woth our life....if there is enough foundation left to make it work.

FTR i have not shown the VERY INAPPROPRIATE sympathy directly to my wife....I am only telling you guys how I feel...I know Im supposed to be really hurt and betrayed...but all I really care about is having a happy life moving forward... Hopefully this all can bring us closer than we ever have been before...And i see this as very possible....but I dont know anything for sure these days...

So yes im expressing some sympathy cause i have forgiven my wife... are you saying its to early to forgive my wife and try and show her some support??? Each day my feeling change latley so maybe when I wake up in the morning I feel different...

Absolutely! It is very inappropriate at this point. I agree you should support her in doing the right thing, but offering up forgiveness so easily only cheapens it. Your forgiveness should be earned. The process of EARNING your forgiveness is what will heal your marriage.

How is your wife's victim, the OM's wife? Have you spoken to her to find out if she has the truth? Is she ok? She has just been dealt a terrible blow. Her life will never be the same and I am concerned for HER.

on the subject of "forgiveness" :


continued here

Joe,

You need to talk to OMW. You and she need to compare notes about the A.

OMW and you can keep an eye on the WW and OM. They are likely to resume contact if there is trouble in either marriage.

I have read hundreds of stories on these forums. Being able to trust and verify is critical to avoiding future marital trauma. You need Extraordinary Precautions (EP's) to be able to trust and help from the OMW to verify.

But sympathy for WHAT, though? There is nothing to be sympathetic about. Your wife has harmed you and the OMW, so sympathy for your W would be inappropriate. Sympathy for her victims would be appropriate.

p.s. until you speak to the OMW yourself, you don't know IF your W even told her or WHAT she told her.

not even sure how i feel this morning....don't really want to even talk bout it...catch you guys later

Joe,

You need to deal with the A, or you you will spend your life waiting for the resumption of the A, or a new one to start.

Joe, I hope you have not left ~ you still need MB if you want to R your M.


This screamed out at me because it is NOT true and it concerns me that if your W has you believing this, that you are going to be set up for the affair continuing.

Your W and OM met each other's ENs (probably starting with conversation, then affection, etc) and it reached the romantic threshold and the feelings of "being in love". These are VERY powerful feelings and they do NOT just go away overnight the way that she tried to tell you they did.

She will have to go through a rough w/d after NC has been in place and she will be very tempted to see him and many times the affair goes further underground.

Keep your guard up and watch her like a hawk! Don't trust what she is saying, instead watch her actions and verify verify verify NC. Spend as much time with her as possible.

Oh and as far as feeling sorry for her ~ waywards very much play up the victim "woe is me" card and start talking about everything from bad things that happened in their life to rewriting the marital history in order to garner sympathy when really they are just trying to distract you from focusing on their present bad behavior ~ the affair. Don't play into her victim mentality. This is called being in the fog. You want to help bring her out of it, not enable and prolong it.

Please keep posting!

ps ~ please CALL (do not email) OMW. Direct her here to this site and you two need to be each other's allies in watching your WW and OM to ensure NC. Please do NOT skip this step.

Im still here...Im really starting to think Im better off running from this marriage. I love my wife and I know she loves me and I believe the afair is 100% over....BUT i still have trusting issues....i have been going thru our phone bills and just a wreck. I just keep thinking for her to do something at such a trbl level she must have done this before....I have not been able to verify ANY other infidelity....I even tried bluffing her to admit any other infidelity...so im just going crazy.
Now after I poor my heart out and she dose the same....she says she still is not 100% sure we can move on from this...This hurt me and changed me ....so now I wake up this morning and did a complete 180....now i am ready to end my marriage and move on with my life. I am getting very close to throwing in the towel....Love is just not enough. I have always been great at running in the past...BUT this is my wife...but sadly I think the betrayal is just to great to overcome. This is consuming me and I have to get out while I can... We have no kids....no reason why not to just move on and dont build a house and a cracked foundation. This super love and attraction I feel for her is just a primal protection mechanism. YES I LOVE HER SO MUCH....But I starting to lean towards ending this pain.

32 Husband...
5 years married...

Joe - It's ok to be feeling this pain. You have been deeply hurt. It is ok to want to end this marriage. Not every marriage is recoverable, not every person can overcome the pain and loss of trust. It's ok if you can't.

However, I would caution you from making a decision based on the pain that you are feeling right now, in the depth of your emotions. Give it time. Do you keep a journal? If not it may be useful to keep a log of your thoughts and feelings each day to see where it is your head is at over the long term.

Take some time, process your feelings, evaluate where you are and if after some time you feel consistently that this is not something you want to do (recovery) THEN begin the process of leaving.

In the mean time, work on what you can, but make sure you take time for your own personal health. Schedule time each day to focus on yourself. Exercise, eat, unwind with something relaxing.

You're riding a rollercoaster right now. The swings will get easier - but you don't have to decide right now what it is you want. You can take a little time - and if your wife isn't ok with that... well you got your answer.

I am having many second thoughts back to saving my marriage again....what a ride i am on....if i dont post for a few hours then i might do a full 360...LOL

You can make a decision not to make a decision within 3 months. It is actually suggested to wait so long after discovering infidelity.

Joe, have you done any other exposure? Stay or go, exposure is critical. If you do move forward, lack of exposure and "keeping a secret" from close friends and family will erode you with resentment.

The best advice is to wait. You can always end the marriage and it will always be justified. You just don't have to do it right now.

Cup o Joe
You are all over the place! Put down the coffee!
What you are going through now is normal, this discovery is so new-- you do not even have the perspective know what you want.

As far as an A goes...
You are one of the lucky ones, you found this site, MB, EARLY. it will help you, It can keep you from making HUGE mistakes...if you let it

Do not make any rash decisions based upon your emotion of the minute. It is normal to want to save the marriage one minute and then to suddenly want to walk the next minute.

barbiecat is so right. You are lucky to have found MB early. There are many good people here who can help you get through this. Stay strong.

Joe ~ Please listen to the vets here...
You are receiving the best of the best when it comes to advice...
Your M can be restored to a place that is better than you could ever imagine...
If you will simply "trust & obey"!
Your thoughts & feelings are very natural!
Stay rational & cognitive instead of giving in to emotion...
Okay?
You can do this!
Your M IS worth the sacrificial investment that is required to save it...
Blessings ~