As some of you know, I explained my wife told me she has started talking to the OM after a month of her and I living seperately so her anxiety/tension levels with me goes down. Then she tells me they have started talking and last Saturday he came down to visit her after he left his wife. (Everyone knows/exposed by the way). Well, I told my wife I am moving back in. Without even having to tell her she said she is moving out. She said she's done with everything. She's been demoted at work and wants to find a job elsewhere, and told me I can have the house. She wants to get away from everything so she can "find herself". Oh, and I learned from the OM's wife that after seeing my wife Saturday night, that he had a nervouse breakdown and wants his wife back. He left Sunday back for his wife. He lives a few thousand miles away by the way. My wife confirmed it's over and she's done with men. Ha! She thinks our marriage is lost because we never talk. I told her she wanted a month long seperation and I told her what did she expect?!? She has a lot, I mean a lot of guilt for what she has done and how much she knows it has hurt me. She thinks it's all hopeless. I'm personally dissapointed in her bewcause we have 2 children. And she's giving up. And I'm almost 100% certain she's depressed big time. Any suggestions? I am still moving in and she is free to go. But should I stick with Plan B, even if this OM doucebag is history? Ok. Dumb question. Wife is far from over him.

Stillwater, please post this to your original thread so we don't have to look for your original stitch. thanks

You didn't take one word of our advice, did you.

She has been talking to him the whole time. This is WHY she asked you to leave.


He didn't leave his wife. He came down to shag your wife which was the plan all along. He has probably been doing her the whole time.

Have you moved home yet? If not, why not? Are you in touch with the OMW?

I haven't been on here in awhile. I have been back home with my kids for the last several weeks. The OM has since dumped my Wife. I saw his emails from his wife. The OM wife has moved out and he's desperately trying to win her back. He said hateful things to my wife in the email and that she ruined his life. Plus, he texted me last week to stop chatting with his life (using words I can't say here) and he'll stay away from mine. I didn't even respond to the loser.Anyways, my wife is going through the withdrawls, depression, and anxiety that a person typically goes through. She has also been asked not to return to her educator's job in the fall (because of the news about her affair affected her at work). She is living with her dad who is 15 minutes away. She is totally selfish and said she needs to work on herself. She went to a psychiatrist to get meds last Tuesday for the FIRST time! She refused for the longest time. Anyways, when I moved back in she did not leave. She wondered why I was moving back in. Was it for the marriage? The kids? I told her everything. But her negative outlook gets in the way of everything. She lasted only 3 days and then moved in with her dad. I'm torn because I've lasted for 8 months of LIMBO waiting for my wife to get out of this fog. But so many Love Units have been withdrawn that I have almost zero feelings for her. I am starting to feel there are many more women out there who will appreciate what I have to offer. Do I try to be patient a little longer so WE could work on the marriage? I feel these urges of meeting other women, but since we're not seperated or divorced, I fear I'll look bad in the eyes of a judge. I intend to keep my kids if it comes to that and I don't want to prematurely mess things up. Sigh. Sorry for the rambling everyone. Just frustrated and hanging on by a thread.

stillwater, only you can make the decision to stay or go. I'd say give it a little more time, but that's just me. You can always decide not to make a decision right now. If there were no kids involved it might be different. But your decision will have a big ripple effect. Think about that.

In the meantime - do NOT date. You are a married man and will remain a married man until the judge signs the divorce decree. It's not a matter of whether or not you look bad in the eyes of the judge (although that is something to think about.) It's more a matter of how stillwater and his kids look at stillwater. They are watching you. Show them how a married man behaves. You don't want to be one of those people who have to admit that they dated others while they were married. Regardless of how 'separated' you are. And your dating will change the tenor of your separation. It could kill a possible recovery.

Just my opinion.

SW, do you have the kids? I want to applaud you for standing up for your family and moving back home. You did a great job running the OM off!

My suggestion would be to go into Plan B now. Do you have the kids? And are you familiar with Plan B?

And don't date while you are married. You have a family to look after and have an oblgation to be a good role model.

My kids are 5 & 10. Each time I see a women flirt with me, I can't help but think what if? But I know better and I am strong enough not to start dating. Plan B: I've already done more than I can and I'm satisfied with how much effort I put into trying to meet my wife's needs and not pissing her off. She tries to find trivial or insubstantial things to complain about/ the things I may do. But I see it as an excuse. So I'm not too worried that I haven't done enough. Now, I don't call her or chat with her. She's currently in a man-hating phase because of how the OM treated her in the end. But I don't appreciate being placed in the same category as that POS. Is there anything I'm missing in Plan B?
The question is, how long for Plan B? I

If you make the mistake of going on even one date you'll lose the ability to teach your kids about honor and integrity as well as the importance of marriage. Your wife is/has already taught them that people (spouses) are expendable and your own happiness is paramount....they don't need another parent teaching them the same thing. Focus on your family for now and until you are divorced don't even think about other women.

I know that's easier said than done so I commend you in advance for just committing to doing the right thing. I promise...you won't regret it.

As for your situation...you, perhaps, really need to execute and formal Plan B and start extricating yourself from the day to day turmoil of this situation. Once you get some distance...perhaps clarity will follow and you'll know what to do. It sounds like you've put up a good fight for your marriage and family so removing yourself into a protective Plan B sounds like the smart choice right now. Other choices will then fall into place and you progress.

Mr. Wondering

SW1
Pardon, but how long have you been around here?

You obvioulsy have no idea what plan A and plan B are.

You are going to have to do the reading and foot work yourself.
I doubt very many people here will be willing to spoonfeed you for long if you do not show understanding of the basic MB steps- and an indication that you are attempting to follow MB advice.

Good luck to you, I am really sorry that your WW left you, but now is the time for you to form and hold to a plan.

I know the answer to this question. I just met a man who started dating after he separated from his wife. He met his soul mate. They started living together during the divorce and got married shortly after his divorce was final.

Now, she's having an affair and he's getting divorced for a second time.

Any woman who will date you while you're married, will have an affair with someone else after you marry her.

I don't think you know what Plan B is. I would read up and go into it.

Stillwater01

A bit hard to follow you around on the board. Would you notify the moderators and have your threads combined?

That way everyone is on the same page here and can see where you are at-what has been discussed in the past without searching.



#1

#2

#3

Starting a new thread everytime your here only confuses us since there are so many new memebers every week. We want to be able to help with your situation but we need to find your info quickly.

nESRE

Sorry for the lack of the original thread. I just tried creating a link but it wouldn't work. I will try my best to outline what has happened:
1. Wife meets Tech guy @ conference in Feb 2010 and becomes google chat friends. I believed it was just friendship. Wife was previously depressed and started feeling better suddenly. Looks like those endorphins kicked in?
2. Practically chatted daily with OM and an another from the tech company.
3. went to conference in June. Said nothing happened even though she said he tried to hit on her.
Week later saw her text him about him coming to Texas or cuming? I asked to see her phone and we ended up wrestling for it. Wife said she said some things that were not nice about me, regarding me losing my ind. I looked on phone but couldn't find anything.
4. OM visits and spends a week at our house in September. Still makes me sick thinking about it. Started to have suspicions of affair but wife denied it. I broke down emotionally and proclaimed I need help. I'm depressed and going crazy. Wife agrees with me.
5.After his visit, we meet OM wife and spend a weekend on the lake having fun with OM and OMW.
6. Early October wife goes to another conference and OM is there. She chats with me and tells me she loves me.
7. She returns and the next night I dioscover she shaved her private parts completely. I confronted her and at first she said she was experimenting. I called BS and she finally admitted it. Told me everything. Said she is in love with him. The OM's wife finds out. I chat with OMW and we try to comfort each other. She's angry too.
8. Next week we go to counseling. I'm crying my eyes out. Wife has no effort to work on marriage.
9. I see my doctor and start anti-depressants. the meds saved me.
10. Went to counselor nearly every week. Wife blames me for affair. Said marriage was long in trouble and is the reason why she was depressed. I am in shock. All our friends consider me a model husband and dad. We have 2 kids, 10 and 5.
11. Wife tells me in November that she wants to be honest and is back in contact with him. My father in law gives me advice that later I felt was enabling despite his good intentions. I avoided fighting and arguing with her. I let her walk over me in hopes that it would finally die(affair).
12. She leaves day after x-mas to spend New Years with OM in Chicago. (We live in Texas.).
13. All this time I am trying to deposit love units into account. What I don't realise is that it doesn't work while someone is in fog.
14. February, OM tells my wife he wants to work on his marriage. My wife goes back to depression and anxiety but refuses meds.
15. Wife says she can't live in the same household as me.
16. Early April- I move out to live with in-laws and stay for 5 weeks.
Early May- Wife tells me OM is leaving his wife and is stopping to visit her. She wants to see him to see if it will work out. She apologizes for hurting me.
She sees him at his hotel and stays the night. He is supposed to stay a week, but leaves the next day and says it is over. (The OMW confirms this. Says her husband wants her back.
OMW moves out and leaves OM. OM texts me saying stay the "F" away from his wife and he'll stay away from mine.
OMW sends me copy of email the her husband sent to my wife saying stay the "F" away from him, she ruined his life.
Wife is noew living with her dad because I moved back in and she couldn't handle it after 3 days. We rarely talk and blames men for all the problems in her life.
Contemplating separation or divorce even though this is the first true opportunity that the fog lifts for good. Not sure what to do from here on out.

Stillwater01

Glad to see your back and you did a great job with your timeline.

You've got 2 young children so there is a lot riding on how you do this. From your previous posts please don't date for now.

Not real sure where you are at with the MB's concepts and exactly what direction you want to go with your M. Most here will support you with whatever directon you decide to go.

For now would you please read all of this

Basic Concepts


and come back with questions you may have. The whole site and advice you will recieve is built around these concepts.

Study all you can on the site.

Others with way more experience and wisdom than me will be along to answer questions you may have.

Should you decide to save your M know it is a marathon and not a short sprint. There are no easy shortcuts. People here will help when you make decisions and a plan of how you want to proceed

nESRE

Thanks Nesre. I really appreciate your help. I tried the Basic Concepts link, but it wouldn't work. That's ok. I'll go to the mainpage website and find it.
I've really done my best to not scream, fight and argue like I had before the discovery of the affair. Several friends and family have expressed that they're amazed how much I've kept my cool. I've told my wife how much I still love her and want to make the marriage work despite everything. She's just very depressed right now because she also is not welcome back to her job in September(education) and I haven't said why I think she lost her job, but I believe it's because of her affair with this guy who provided tech services with our school district and she was screwing around during company $$ (the conferences). She feels alone, no friends, no job,her "lover" hates her, and she feels guilty for what she has done to me. But she's so self-centered in just working on herself. I so much want to be there to help her, but she said she feels like I'll enable her to fall back into her depression when I was probably doing too much for her and the kids. She feels so much anxiety when she's around me. As of right now, we rarely talk. She's holed up in her dad's house wallowing in her sadness because of her fantasy that has now turned into a nightmare. She has asked me not to contact the OM's wife. She says she doesn't want the OM to be more pissed. Whatever. A part of me wonders if she doesn't want me to find out anything I should know. I told her it made me mad that she wanted me to stop talking with the OM's wife because I have been strictly a friend, decent, and understanding. Something my wife never was. The OM is also like my wife right now. He's unstable, irritable, and depressed. I worry he'll go right back to seeing my wife while she's separated from me because of how unstable he is and the fact that his wife moved out recently. But for now, I told my wife I would not talk to the OM's wife. Thinking of telling her I have reconsidered.

Still,

You do not have to tell you wife about contact with OMW. Let OMW know this.

You are merely sharing information with OMW to know the true state of the A. Having this information is your right. WW is keeping information from you.

Cypress

Cypress- If I don't tell my wife that I'm contacting the OMW wouldn't that be dishonest? Especially after telling her I wouldn't contact her? My wife is "all about honesty" now and I don't want to give her any ammo to turn this back on me.

Cypress- I still appreciate your concern though and willingness to help!

Well, you could tell her. I'm not opposed to that. But don't back don't back down if she gets really angry. Tell her that it is an expression of openness and honesty in the marriage.

Still

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Any of Dr H's books?

nESRE

In my earlier post I indicated the OM was coming down to visit. I just learned (not 2 minutes ago) from my credit card bill that my wife paid for the hotel. I am PISSED. Even though the OM is currently gone, it still makes me angry. Especially since my wife used our money for her continued affair.

????

I've read "Surviving an Affair". Also, His needs Her Needs and Speaking the 5 love languages (or something like that).
What did my wife read? "When Good People Have Affairs".

You need to stop being an enabler and contact the OM's wife. And of course you should tell your W. AFTERWARDS. There is absolutely no valid reason to not tell the OMW and there is absolutely no valid reason to not tell your wife.

The OMW should have been contacted a long time ago. Why has that not been done?

You should not be honest with your wife. That is ridiculous. She is having an affair. That is like giving a terrorist your battle plan. Your wife is not SAFE so of course you shouldn't worry about being honest. She has no right to demand that you be honest when she is actively working to destroy your marriage behind your back. The PORH is for RECOVERY, not when you are under direct assault.

MelodyLane: Back again to berate me huh? Do you take the time to read my posts in detail or do you skim it so you can berate your next victim. This happened on one of my other posts.If you took the time, you will know I have already spoken with the OM on numerous occasions. She knows. EVERYONE knows. And I'm not playing any stupid FN games by telling my wife afterwards. I'm going to tell her what I am going to do, then I'm doing it. By the way,your empathy skills suck.

Sigh. I am trying to give as much detail as I can. Don't ASSume you know what the **** is going on unless you have some crystal ball. Thing is, you're basing all of your comments through a computer monitor and a bitter past.

Not be honest with my wife? Worst advice on here EVER.

With all due respect, your enabling skills suck. Agreeing to not speak to the OMW just to appease a wayward wife is not going to get you very far.


I have no idea what an "FN game" is so am not sure what this means.

Exactly. It is stupid to be honest with a wayward because it is like giving your battle plan to a terrorist. Do you think that makes any sense at all? Do you think Dr Harley tells people to use the Policy of Radical Honesty in an affair? Seriously?

SW,

What Mel is trying to tell you is that you are NOT obligated to share your plan of action with your wife. You do not have to tell your wife what you are doing to save your marriage, or to share with her that you are talking with OMW. It is none of the WW's business what you are doing behind the scenes to save the marriage.

For example, if you are spying on your WW, it would do you no good to tell her that you are doing that - would it? You need to be able to have some measure of ability to work your plan in order to ensure its successful outcome. If you are telling her your plan all along, then you are shooting yourself in the foot. This does not constitute LYING, it is merely protecting your plan of action from certain sabotage that your WW will perform in order to thwart your efforts. She is NOT herself right now, and will NOT attempt any cooperation with you. Therefore, you must not engage in activities that involve your "trusting" her.

You cannot trust her. So do not offer her information about your activities.


Next, you are not in any type of Plan B by any stretch of the imagination. Not close, not even in the ballpark.

Plan B means that you have done the following:
1. You have established an intermediary for ALL contact between you and your wayward wife.
2. You USE that intermediary (IM) for all communication, regardless of how your WW feels about it. You do not "ask" your wife's permission regarding the use of the IM, you simply establish this as the fact of the situation, and you USE THE IM.
3. You have written a letter called a "Plan B Letter", which is very short. You have delivered this letter to your wife. This PBL established the initiation of the use of the intermediary for all communication. It also established the fact that you will cease any and all contact with your wife, except through the IM, until she meets the terms and conditions YOU LAY FORTH for the reconciliation of the marriage.
4. In the PBL, you have made clear, in point-by-point terms, what your expectations are for your wife to return to the marriage. These usually include her writing a letter of permanent no-contact with the OM; giving you all passwords and open access to all computer and cellphone, bank accounts, etc.; agreement to attend counseling sessions; agreement to openness on whereabouts at all times; and many others ask for following the MB plans to recover the marriage. You may have other demands as well. Some people ask for post-nuptual agreements, such as financial or child-custody papers before reconciliation attempts are made.
5. You then institute your Plan B, where YOU do not see your WW. You do not go where she is. You do not take her phone calls. If she emails you, you forward them to the IM, and the IM responds on your behalf. You do not respond if she calls you. You do not attend family functions if she is there. You do not go and meet her for coffee.

6. In the event that your wife decides that she will return to the marriage and meet your demands, she will relate this information through the IM. At that point, you can decide if you want to try again.


You need to read about Plan B. There is a lot you are missing, and you have not tried it at all. You are in full drama contact with this wayward wife, and she has NOT responded to what you are doing


because you are NOT in Plan B.


Move to Plan B. Read up on it. Make a Plan. Get an intermediary in place who will be a firm person, and YOU get ready to grow a pair - because you will need both firmly in place to not respond to what this WW is about to try in order to drag you into drama lane.



If you want to save your marriage, you have this one last ace in the hole, and you haven't even played it.


You said you are losing your love for her. Do Plan B before its gone. Plan B - is for YOU> not for your WW. Get it going before it is too late.

SB

Here's the G-rated version. I'm no longer into playing mind games. Yeah, I enabled way too long with some bad advice.But you still think I haven't contacted the OMW. You're convinced the affair is still going on. How do you know for sure? You don't. It's as much a shot in the dark that could wind up back firing. I don't know why you're comments are always bent on the negative and it seems like you're allowing a lot of your old emotions and biases to well up from within. Sounds like you could use as much help as I do.

Hey School Bus. You're right about Plan B. And I am going to start work on it tonight. As for the honesty part, it's a hard one. I understand what you're trying to say. But I'm not confident that my wife would, even if and when the fog lifts. But I do agree I need to do it for me. I appreciate you taking the time to detail what I can do. That's helpful. Melody- Please don't come across like you're attacking. I've had enough terrorism from my wife and that loser. I don't need another terrorist, even if they have good intentions.

Stillwater, I haven't posted to your thread before, but I think you may be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

MelodyLane has been on this site for a long time. She has recovered her own marriage and has helped innumerable people (including me) with her tireless efforts.

She doesn't have time to coddle people. Have you seen her post count? She's a Texas straight-shooter. You may find her approach abrasive, but she has a way of cutting through the bull5h!+

There's nothing you or I can say or do that MelodyLane hasn't seen or heard already. You can choose to ignore her, but to ignore her advice is to put recovery of your marriage in great peril.

Okay, MelodyLane doesn't need me to be her cheerleader. My suggestion to you would be to either heed to the good advice she's giving, or do it Stillwater's way.

If the latter, why are you here, then?

And it sounds to me like your emotions are very raw and angry, which is understandable. Sorry you are having such a rough time.

There's a difference between being blunt and being a blunt ***edit***. The most effective way to counsel or help someone is to use empathy along with great advice. Melody may have all the great advice in the world, but if you come across as a jerk, it'll fall on deaf ears. I got good advice yesterday from other posters who took the time to explain and were sympathetic. Melody's advice may work for some, but it isn't very helpful to me.

Please take it from a former reluctant follower:

Listen to Mel, Marital, Pep, NG, Susie, HHH, Nesre, markos, etc.

follow their advice.

It works, really.

FN = effing, which equals the F word.

Still, my friend, you are not thinking clearly and Melody�s advice is intended to shake you out of your own fog. She�s normally dead on with what she�s telling you. As far as not being honest to your wife goes: You don�t understand that you�re not dealing with your wife. Your wife is a wayward, which is a fogged out alien. There is no �being honest� with an alien. You don�t telegraph your moves in war. You don�t tell the other side what you�re going to do.

Cutting off contact with OMW is a BAD idea.

You want custody of your kids? You want to save this marriage? Then lower the guard, start listening, and start implementing. You�re flailing about and we simply wish to help. What you�re doing isn�t going to work.

Right now she�s going through withdrawal, but the affair could quickly and easily resume, especially if you allow her to control you by getting you to agree to things on her terms. SHE is the one that must act on YOUR terms. Doing this requires that you grow a set, listen, and put a plan in motion. It starts by listening to Melody, who has your best interests at heart.

I am starting my Plan B today. Since we have few if any friends nearby, I have talked to and will receive help of my father-in-law to be the intermediary. He has been neutral during this whole ordeal and agrees the affair is BS. Next is the PBL which I will start this morning. If you guys think it's ok, I may post my draft here to see what you think? I realize that what I have tried has not been effective. Also, here's a big question. Tomorrow is our anniversary. Last year was our 10th anniversary and I created a slideshow of us (photos) going back to when we were dating. She had nothing to give to me in return. It hurt. How do I handle tomorrow's anniversary?

And I'm not saying I don't want Melody's advice. I'm sure she's very experienced with this. I am trying to be as open as possible to all suggestions. All I'm asking is some helpful suggestions and tone down the beratement and sarcasm. Thanks.

I agree. Your last paragraph is exactly how I feel is currently going on.I had thought about that last night.

I've read posts dating back several years. Melody has been helping people that long. She knows what she is doing. Trust her wisdom and experience.

Here's a good post about finding yourself. Give it to your wife:

"We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.

Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.

So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"

First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.

2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.

3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.

4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.

Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.

Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.

Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.

Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.

Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.

Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"

Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.

If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.

That had me laughing. And in all seriousness, it's one of those "Wake the FU!!" statements. Of course, my wife has always, always never liked any kind of criticism, no matter how constructive it is. Her brother is the same way. Their mother was like this and a lot can be said about this. It's why she's been so stubborn during the withdrawl phases and tries to put so much blame on me for why the marriage sucks. Yeah, right. Thanks for the encouragement.

Stillwater i have some advice. I too was in your very place in life, still am. The things that people say on here need to be said. I didnt like hearing a lot of what i heard, but the truth hurts and hurt i did. But, i have come to realize everything that i have been told i needed, and these people are a lot smarter than i ever thought lol. I have learned to trust what is said on this site from most people. Sometimes what we hear is not what we want to hear, but need to.

Good luck.

Plan B�s intent is to shield the betrayed from abuse from the wayward and to put all the EN�s on the affair partner. I don�t believe Plan B is your best option. Right now you have effectively killed the affair, but certain elements must fall into place, starting with no contact.

I would work with her on making sure there is no contact established. I would also make it clear to her that if she leaves that you will file for abandonment and request child and spousal support. Tell her that instead of going �to find herself� she needs to grow up, take responsibility as a mother, and work on your marriage.

Your loss, SW.

In my case, I chose to focus on the message and not on the messenger.

I received a lot of great advice from people who I probably wouldn't have anything to do with IRL. One of them got evicted from this board for being a little too over the top.

Good luck to you, SW. I think you're going to need it.

Are you here to get advice to help save your marriage, or are you here to give advice to help build a world-class peer counseling board?

So...did you contact OMW? What did she say? I may have missed this.

We've been in contact off and on. We talked in December-January. Then when her husband agreed to work on their marriage we decided to break off contact. In April, when it resurfaced the OM and my WW were getting back together, we spoke some more. Then I learned from her that her husband had an emotional breakdown and was crawling back to her. Last week, the OM said to stop chatting with his wife (LOL) and he'll do the same with mine. Then a few days ago my wife asked me to stop chatting with her because her "breakup" was too hard for her and she felt it was making the OM irrational. I told her I would back off because she asked. Now, I am seriosuly reconsidering because I feel like she can't be trusted until the fog is totally lifted and she's over him completely.

SW,

You cannot trust your WW, period.


Read some of the PBL that have been posted here, and get yours done. You need this quick. Your wife needs no warning, and needs to have her world rocked.

In the meantime, you need to be doing a very stellar Plan A, so when you go into Plan B, she is left with the image of the man she loved, the husband she wanted, and the life she is throwing away.


Meet her emotional needs.
Smell good, look good, be strong.
Do not beg, do not coddle, do not whine.
Fix stuff around the house.
Be a good Dad.
Do "man stuff", things that you know she wants you to do: like if there has been a honey-do job that has needed to be done, then do it now. Take care of business.

Tell her that you love her
Compliment her beauty
Compliment her as a mother
Tell her that you know the marriage can be made better, and that you want to save your love for her.


Do not let on that you are going to Plan B. Not a word.


Then, when you write that Plan B letter, it is written as a LOVE LETTER.


Dear WW,

The most difficult task I have ever faced in my life has come before me today. On the day we married, I looked into your eyes and looked at a future with you filled with love, a family, and a relationship we would forge together with all our hopes and dreams, and most of all with our love for each other. Now, I am in danger of losing that love for you, and find myself working every day to protect what is left of it.

That love is one of the most precious resources I have in my life. In order to save it and our marriage, I must now do what I never thought I would do. I am ceasing all direct contact with you, and ask that you contact me only through an intermediary, ___________________.

There can only be one man in this marriage, and that man will be me. Until you stop contact with your affair partner, I will not accept telephone calls, emails, or any other contact from you except through the intermediary. It is too painful and too difficult for me, and I must make a stand for my marriage and my children.

If you choose to return to the marriage, I know that we can rebuild our relationship. I have already begun the changes in myself that I know I need to make, and I know that our marriage can be made into a stronger one, where we both feel fulfilled and loved. If you choose to work with me, the changes would require you to permanently and forever end all contact with your affair partner, (and you enter what else you might want to here...but keep it very short).

More than anything, I want you to know that I love you. I remember our wedding day, the births of our children, our good times and our bad times. I cherish you and our life together. Know that I want to rebuild our marriage. I believe we can do this. I believe in you.

Love

Stillwater






You have to make it strong, yet loving. You get the idea. Open with love, end with love, and in the middle, be strong. State what you want.


Then go very dark. Do not break Plan B. You will need to be very strong in not communicating with her, not seeing her, not answering that phone and not returning her emails.

She will immediately try to break your Plan B. Know that, and be ready NOT TO BREAK IT. Because she will instantly go about the business of making you look foolish by going back on your Plan B, and then saying, "Ok, so he said he would talk to me except through the IM, but see, *I* am in charge of him, and *I* can make him do anything I want."

Don't break Plan B once you start. It takes a very strong will. If she decides to meet your demands, you have to be very sure it is not a false recovery when she does. She has to be at rock bottom before she gets to come home.


SB

Here is my latest update:
1. I have been in contact with the OMW. She has moved out and is staying with friends. She says her husband is trying everything to win her back. Says it's annoying. She's probably done with him, but appears to be still holding out. My wife has moved out and is icing with her dad. I am back home with kids. She misses them terribly, but is not budging.
2. Gave my wife a letter letting her know that I still am leaving the door open to rebuild marriage, but only when she's totally thru with OM. It strongly appears to remain that way (affair is dead) since mid-May. However, not 100% positive. She replied saying that the letter meant a lot to her. Gave me some gifts on Father's Day and was giving me hugs and kisses before she left to stay with relatives.
3. Wife has been staying with relatives in another state to "work on her mental state of well-being". She'll be there for a total of 3 weeks. She lost her job as well so she's lost. My daughter is visiting for a week right now as well as my wife's dad who has supported me through all this. Wife is taking anti-depressants (finally!) which has contributed to her irrational thinking from the start. Our son has been with me.
4. I do not contact my wife as of right now. I only keep in touch with my daughter and father-in-law. It's been hard because even though my love for her has been busted up pretty good, I still love her, however she never calls or contacts me. I feel like I don't matter to her. I knew the "fog" had a lot to do with this, but I felt (and still do) that she's stringing me along until she finds someone or decides what she wants to do. This state of Limbo sucks. But I WILL continue the "no-contact" in hopes she'll come around. I did everything possible to deposit love units and behave rationally.

stillwater01,

all you can do is what you have done, she has what information she needs to make her decision for her life, you can't make her do anything she isn't ready for, let her hit rock bottom.
just work on being the best you, be a good dad and just let the cookie crumble where it may...........if she wants the marriage she will be back and willing to work on things if not then let her go.........

Anyone who is seriously depressed is virtually 100% inward focused.
They are literally incapable of loving someone else while they are experiencing a serious depression.

I'm not saying this is the case with your wife.
But, if you honestly believe she is very, very depressed, then perhaps you will not take her rejection behavior so personally.

i agree with pepper.

my wifes on prozac. im not getting much from her, but at least theres the comfort that neither is the OM. ive even heard its kinda a libido killer...which is good.

let the medication do its job. it wont solve everything, but itll help bring some clarity to an otherwise chaotic mind.

im really starting to see the effects so far with that, as well as counseling. my wife seems to be paying attention. while shes still infatuated with the OM, ive seen signs that its no where near as bad as it was 3-4 mos. ago...

best of luck

Wife texted me out of the blue today. Said Hi. We had a short, but nice conversation which had her laughing too. After about 5-10 minutes of back and forth texting she unloads a surprise on me: " I have decided that I am going to stay up here (Minnesota) a few weeks longer (with her cousin). Haven't decided when I am coming home. I will let you know when I figure it out."
I never responded back. I'm pissed, but mostly disappointed. She was supposed to come back around July 6th. Now it seems late July or early August. It'll be just me and the kids for the remainder of my summer vacation.
I've chatted with the OM wife who is currently moved out and feels "done" with her WH. He is doing everything to win her back. I'm pretty sure he's not in contact with my WW, but I'm not 100%. But the decision to stay makes me wonder why. I am thinking of just asking her (through her dad).

Talked to OM wife today. She's very, very confident her WH is not in contact with my W. Wife sent me text today saying she is staying longer because she wants to better herself: she said by exercising, working on her resume, and relaxing. She said her father in law can help me with a break from the kids. I understand the "idea" that you need to work on yourself, before you can work on others/marriage. But at the same time I feel this is so selfish while I'm at home slaving away with the kids. Just not fair.

Hmm...

Have opened yourself to the possibility that either there's another OM involved, or she's trolling for one?

She is choosing to stay away from her children. That suggests that something a bit more significant than exercising, relaxing and working on her resume is going on.

Document all of this to help you in custody fight if one develops.

She can't very well claim you're a bad father when you're taking care of the kids full time.

I am documenting everything. She might be hoping to meet someone while in Minnesota but right now she's on a "men are evil" phase. She did have my daughter fly in this past week to spend a week with her. Otherwise, she's selfishly focused on herself. I don't know how long I can last feeling like I'm being strung along...being taken advantage of. Just sucks.