First up I just want to thank everyone on these forums for giving me strength over the last couple of weeks. I always thought of myself as the last man on the planet to be trawling a site like this for strength, especially when I believed so much in my marriage (albeit only approaching a year!)

Quick background - I have been with my wife for 6 years, 5 of that living together. We got married last summer and all seemed well. She had a couple of business trips she took in February and March and due to the nature of her work they are actually more holidays than trips. I knew something was up when she came back from the second trip - too many mentions of potential OM, talking about sex, what would we do if either had affairs etc and did a bit of snooping and (not having read these forums) made a premature "exposure" based on her return from a very late night out with OM and some strange emails to her best friend a week or so before. I promise you it wasn't enough to really nail her and therefore she was able to explain it away and I believed, even though there was doubt in my mind - I thought I should trust her because she is my wife.

Weeks pass, things happen with various family stuff - I step up and play good husband because I can sense distance in her, a feeling of something not being quite right. Over the weeks she becomes more and more protective of me using her cell phone, works late more often etc all the usual, boring, ridiculously obvious signs until one day after work where I know she had been working with OM she breaks down and goes into depression. I know its because the OM had recently started dating another woman at work and she is distraught. I suggest this - she denies it, I snoop for a day - find a tiny bit more evidence and then hit full exposure. She confesses......to a point - its horrible scene - tears, begging - the works. Days go by of huge emotional storms but the reaction of her is generally "I'll do anything to make this work, I am so sorry for what I have done, I will leave my job - literally anything for you" - take a day or two to soak it up and decide (based on MB stuff) to work on it. Ok straight forward story right?

Well the problem is my wife will do everything needed - she'll change job she has fully committed to NC (I've been checking closely) and has told friends and family. However little bits keeping trickling out - it was slightly more than an EA, there was kissing but nothing else.....ok he tried to touch me but I pushed him away......ok he might have felt my [censored] but I didn't touch his c**k.... I've been retracing things and she finally admitted that he had stayed over at our house but swears blind that nothing physical happened.

And here is my problem: she admits, is guilty, remorseful and literally begging to do anything for me but seems to draw the line at it only being a EA and I just think I'm being an idiot to accept that. She swore on her family's life she didn't touch him intimately and stupidly I do believe her but I'm just not convinced she didn't let him stimulate her. I know her s*x - she isn't someone with a massive drive but she likes to feel pleasured and wanted. The thing is I've got to the point where I have decided to forgive and build again and I would even forgive a PA but I need to know the details and need to know what I'm forgiving. However she knows I have no more evidence to expose intimate relations between her and OM, no-one else knew. the only person who could confirm is the OM and he would probably lie anyway.

What can I do? I know my wife thinks I'll leave her if she tells me physical details - thats why she has kept everything secret all the way through because she thinks I'll leave. I need to know the truth - how can I get it out of her?

Is the OM married?

No but is in a dysfunctional relationship with live in partner.

This is a link to Joseph's Letter. It is a powerful explanation why the BS needs to ask questions. It may be helpful for you to edit it for your situation, print out and ask her to read

Sourceman,
I am sorry you have had to come here. I fully understand your pain and frustration. Believe me I do.
There are veterans here with far more ability to tell you and advise you than I. What I will tell you is this...
Its too late for you to learn why living together hurts the potential of a marrriage to succeed. It is too late to change whatever happened. AND reality is YOU MAY NEVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED.
So... if you have a wife committed to recovering from her error, maybe you should both start with Dr. Harley's books. Surviving and Affair and His Needs Her Needs.
If you both read them and really study them... you have the best chance of all.
Sourceman, you most of all will be tested. Can you love through the harsh reality that you have been abused in the worst psychological manner known to mankind? You are going to find out. Only it won't be tomorrow or next month. It is going to be years. And years.
For the moment though, read as much as you can on this site. Get the books and educate yourself. Offer the books to your wife. Walk alot, jog alot, run alot, work out alot.
DO NOT FIND A FEMALE SHOULDER TO CRY ON....
See a physician if the emotional heartache and heartbreak effects your work or you mental status. There is nothing wrong with a little medical help if you need it to get through this time. Find a therapist if you need to vent and get it off your chest. Do not Yell, Scream and Threaten your spouse. If as you say she might be afraid to tell you, do any of these things and she will be more afraid. You cannot control her. You can only work on your side of the marriage and on making yourself healthy enough to absorb this dose of unfairness in life. This is not your fault and it is not your weakness. Make sure you have a family member or friend who will allow you to just hang around when you feel bad. They don't have to do anything other than accept you for being there and they don't have to fix you. Just have some support nearby.
But most of all... listen to the veterans here.
I wish you well.

Hurting Turkey,
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 11
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
As she lies to cover it up continue... our marriage is bleeding to death 2+ years later

Cyprus - thank you so much - really useful.

Cynical mind that I have - I wonder if its enough to move a woman who has been in a fog for the last 4 months? So frustrating I have to reply on her to explain and come forth when I've had to squeze every last ounce of truth from her like blood from a stone. I've even been faking out that I have old text messages and stuff on the bill but she still doesn't come clean until I give physical evidence. Great though this letter is - I don't think it'll work.

I feel you have some serious thinking to do.
1. You have been married less than a year and she has already engaged in an affair.
2. She continues to lie to you by telling you half truths.
3. She invited the OM to your home.
4. She invited the OM to your home and had him stay the night while you were gone. This should be an immediate deal breaker. Your home is your one untouchable place. There is no greater insult and disrespect to you than this.
5. She tells you that he spent the night over in your home and did not have sex. This is insulting to your intelligence and she continues to play you for a fool.
6. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you.

These are just my thoughts but I would contact an attorney to see about a possibility of an annulment. In addition, you both should be tested for STD's. I would also suggest having her take a polygraph which runs about $400-$500. Many times a cheating spouse will confess before they have to take the test. I just don't see how bringing her lover over to home to spend the night is not a deal breaker to you. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

Hi BryanP

Long time no see.

Thanks BryanP. I understand what you're saying and I do respect it. Trust me I've come down on her like a ton of bricks the last 2 weeks since exposure. But I don't think I should be looking at annulment - this site is marriage builders and I'm not ready to let it fail. I've put too much in and I won't let it go without a fight.

But the truth must will out - I was wondering if anyone had any good psychological ways of questioning - or any approaches men have used in the past at this point in "recovery" to get the truth?

I wonder if I say to her that I've forgiven her so far and that I will rebuild no matter what - but only if I have the truth...

Polygraph

Polygraph!

sourceman, you need to know the truth in order to move on. My suggestion would be to schedule a polygraph test for her and tell her 2 days ahead of time. Tell her she has one last chance to come clean BEFORE the test and hand her a list of questions. She is lying about the physical aspect of her and you can't base a recovery on a lie. It is impossible. You must know the truth.

Secondly, I would call up his live in girlfriend and tell her all about the affair. Don't warn your wife.

And lastly, she will have to leave the job and end all contact with the OM if you want to have any hope of recovering the marriage.

Your marriage is very sick, sourceman, and a big part of it are the bad independent habits you developed while living together. The fact that she has friends of the opposite sex and goes out partying without you is a shack up lifestyle, not a married lifestyle. So, if you want to turn this around, you will have to start acting like married people instead of uncommitted shackers.

This can be turned around, but it will have to be a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. Couples that get married after living together have an 85% divorce rate because of the lifestyle they live. You are seeing that NOW. Requirements for Recovery

Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

There is nothing to forgive her FOR at this point, though. Let her know you would be WILLING to give her an opportunity to EARN it though.

Polygraph testers have a very good way of questioning! While the testee is strapped up to a polygraph machine.

Well sourceman it seem that when someone feels bad about their own situation, there comes along someone who makes it feel less badly, because that person's situation is worse. That is what I feel now about you. I just posted my own update and yes I feel badly about my situation. I would not want to be in your's. I take it there is some history here between you and MB that you have not dislosed - I have not read your prior posts. I have to agree with Bryanp - that is if your wife did this in first year of marriage you are in for a world of hurt no matter being on here or what you do. Honestly accompanied by trust is the basis of ANY relationship - especially Marraige. I have not had anything like this degree of dishonestly from my wife in a long time marriage. Doubt if I could even had handled it without leaving during our early years.

So this is why I agree with Bryan, but it seems there may be more history to you two than I am aware of. Early on is the opprortunity to establish greater love, trust, and knowledge of each other. It seems she has prevented this. So, what are you going to do?

Tom

Welcome, sourceman. Question: who told you this - your WW, or the OM?

All I have to say is "I feel your Pain!". I know exactly what you are going through. The same thing happened to me.

I caught my wife having an affair. I had a lot of proof I had not told her about. She denied everything and swore on a Bible that she was telling the truth. Then I would bring out more evidence and her story would change. A cheating wife will go to the grave about the sex. In my case Sex was the biggest part of the Affair yet she denied evening having it with him.

I had a video of them together in my bedroom. When she saw it she then said yes they had sex. That is the only reason she admitted to it.

If it bothers you that much go get a polygraph. You may get the truth then.

Now my XW knew I would divorce her if she had sex with another man so she had every reason to lie. She would deny everything unless I could show it to her.

I can assure you that you do not know the truth. The trick is will you ever know the truth and can you live with that? Without a polygraph I just don't see how you will ever find out.