I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago for a strange rash I had. It didn't bother me, really, and I almost didn't go. But I thought it was odd to have it on the palms of my hands. I figured it was something like ringworm, and assumed they'd give me a cream, and that would be the end of it. The doctor was baffled, but when I offhandedly asked her about the strange sores on my DH's penis, she actually changed color, and immediately sent me for a blood test. A week later, she gives me a call to tell me I have Syphilis... and have had it for approximately 6 months to a year.

But I've been married for 13 years... and faithfully devoted to my husband for 17 years. Syphilis? Impossible. I talked to my DH, and brainstormed how it could have happened. Not once did he ask how I got syphilis. He just acted confused - how could that be? That alone seemed odd to me. Later that night I got very drunk, and when he came home from work about 3:30 AM, early... I was still up. I immediately confronted him teling him that if he wasn't honest with me, we were through, right then. He just stared silently at the floor - VERY uncharacteristically. Then, when I stopped, he started. He told me how it was a night just light tonight... he had left work early (his friday), and had gone to a friend's car repair shop to pick up the brake rotors that he sells for scrap metal. It was a cold January night, and he noticed a girl (about half his age) walking down the road. He pulled over and offered her a ride. (Big mistake. He sees nothing wrong with it though.) He drove her to the city. He claims they didn't talk, he didn't know her name, and believe it or not, that he has no idea what she looked like... other than "she wasn't a fatty". According to HIM, "in the back of every guys mind, he doesn't expect, but he hopes, that when he gives a strange girl a ride somewhere, he will get a BJ as a thank you." (Vomit!!! Is this true???) So, as he pulled up to the curb, she reaches for him. He said his thought was, "God, girl, I haven't even stopped the car yet!"... not, "I'm married", or "what would my wife think"... just, "wait till I stop the car".

He told me she was so "eager" to do it, so "willing". (This was offered as an excuse, I suppose, like "how could he refuse her.) He said this was how she wanted to thank him. He chalked it up to her being in a different, younger generation... but I did remind him that he was equally willing and eager. He chose this time to tell me that I wasn't like that. He is dead wrong. In our marriage it is ME that has the high sex drive. I have never once refused him ANYTHING. Not once. He has refused me, and even called me names like "slut" and told me to "go find a male whore", when I wanted sex with him. He even refused me on our wedding night, saying that we'd be married forever, why did we have to do anything that particular night? I am VERY eager and willing. I am not spontaneous, because, when I am, he flatly refuses me. I don't take rejection too well... so I don't pursue him much. But I encourage him to pursue me. Giving him oral sex is one of my favorite things to do. Really. I assure you he suffers NO NEGLECT in any sexual way. My only flaws, according to him, are my lack of housekeeping skills. This mention of her being so willing and eager was the first time he ever said anything about needing something other than what I give him.

He offered no apology until the next day when I reminded him that he had expressed no regret or remorse. He just yelled at me. Then later, when he realized that I was going to divorce him, and take everything he has, he cried and apologized, and said he was at his lowest point in his life... but he seemed to lump this in with being in debt,... so I'm not certain that he meant his behavior. The he just "moved on.... as though NOTHING had happened. He has done the dishes a few times - but he has done them in the past as well. He has been ordering dinner out, and making iced tea.... but since I'm just a zombie at this point, he would be suffering if he didn't... so I have a hard time seeing this as anything with meaning.

I've known for a week now, and I am feeling no better about what happened. I want to forgive him, and repair our nearly dead marriage. He wants to just pretend it never happened, and hope the pain just goes away. I'm at a complete loss.

We had tried counseling a year ago. It was terrible. His answer to any marital problem is to throw the marriage away. He suggests separation at every turn... usually yelling it. I don't think he WANTS divorce. Frankly, I think he fears it. But he won't DO anything to help me. Any suggestions?

File for divorce on grounds of adultery and mention being given Syphilis. File for full custody with permission to go to TN where you have a job and family that can help care for you.

If your WH wants to save his marriage (and you want to) he can follow you to TN and get a clue about how to be a husband.

You must take care of YOURSELF and your children.

Dont believe this story at all first off, If he is in a full blown affair he certainly wouldn't say "well honey I been screwing around for 2 years now". Not to mention to me it sounds far fetched. Lots of red flags here.
My suggestion would to snoop like crazy and see if there is something else up.
And NO most men would give a ride to a young girl hoping to help her reach a safe destination, not to get a BJ. At least the moral ones would.
I suspect more than what he has said. I certainly would refrain from any Sex until I knew for sure.

Your husband has terrible boundaries with women. He sounds like he doesn't have much in the way of marital skills either.

IF you want to save your marriage,then he must be absolutely transparent with you so this does not happen again. He must promise and keep extraordinary precautions for life--for example, no female friends, and in his case, never be with a female alone.

Also, he must promise to work with you on building a romantic marriage relationship. The marriage must be better than it was before the adultery. This is called just compensation.

If he agrees to both conditions, then perhaps the marriage has a chance...IF you want it.

Read all the articles on this website. Dr. Harley offers us a way to recover our marriage and for those who have not suffered infidelity, a way to build a terrific marriage for life.

I forgot to say this in my post....I agree story is not believable AT ALL. Sounds like something he read in a porn mag. More likely she is some local ho and he doesn't want you causing him any trouble with her and the cake eating he is doing. No wonder he doesn't want to move. He probably has a gf.



You could snoop. Or you could just trust your gut. I wish I had done that years ago when my now XH was denying having sex with my 19 year old cousin (he was 38). I knew it was true (in my heart) but felt I had to have proof. Why? It wasn't a court of law for Pete's Sake! I then spent 7more years with a lying cheater until proof miraculously presented itself.

You are valuable. You are important. You are worth more than what you are living with.

MB ways aren't to file and trust your gut but its a decision and a plan to try to make a better M. You posted this in surviving an affair. If thats what you wish to do then your in the right place for that advice. If you are looking for support for a divorce then that forum is more suited.
Which is it?
Also is there children and if so how old?

Hops has 2 new threads - the other is in MB 101.

Hops, may want to ask the moderators to combine them...

Putting syphilis aside .... I can't believe I just wrote that ..... How common is it that your (infected) husband YELLS at you? How common is it that he calls you ugly names like "slut"? How common is it that he insults your very existence or demeans you as a person?

And finally, has he EVER struck/hit/slapped/thrown things where you were the target? Or, has he made threats to assault you?

Does he have a criminal record?
Does he abuse drugs or alcohol?

Sorry you need this forum.
Please read about love busters in the Basic Concepts.

I actually would like to know if he already knew and has been treated for the Syphillis without informing you?

I'm about to email you.

Well I disagree with the bolded. SAA is NOT just for those who save their marriages. It is SURVIVING. This boad has the most traffic and most support and I feel she is welcome here even IF she decides to leave him.

Not every marriage should be saved. And MB doesn't work when abuse and addiction are involved.

Sometimes a person has to jump ship to survive.

Sometimes a person needs to be told that her life is NOT normal and she CAN have a better life.

So very true.

I don't want a divorce! Is that the only thing that can be done? I actually dearly love the brute. We have two boys, ages 7 and 9. They love their dad, even if he can be scary sometimes. But I'm here to keep him under control. When I'm not around... It's different. If I divorced him, he might try to get custody of them, or at least keep them in stae, so that I can't work and continue to homeschool them.

No of course that isn't the only thing that 'can be done.'

I also homeschool and I haven't worked since my ds was born 11 years ago. I understand your fears-trust me. I stayed around and put up with a lot for these very reasons.


In the end, for ME, it didn't work. WH kept running over me and crossing boundaries.

Did you miss this part of my post though?

I've been treated for syphilis and tested for everything else, as has he. So, I know, at least for now, he's "safe". There was never any evidence of an affair. I used to wonder, about a decade ago. But even when the doctor told me what I had, I was trying to figure out how that was possible... could you get it from sharing a fork? :P Him being unfaithful was so very unlike him. Or so I thought. Even now, after he told me, it is hard to believe. He said it took him by surprise. I'm assuming if the opportunity ever arose again, he'd do it again. That's bad enough. I hadn't considered that he might be lying entirely. His answers to my 100 questions seemed honest and consistent. Nothing but his lack of concern about my doings ever gave me any hint of anything. Except, about the time I contracted syphilis, I started having nightmares that my husband was having sex with women in front of me, and I was supposed to be okay with it. I guess my body knew what my mind did not.

The other post is more about moving, and the conflict about it. I didn't think it belonged here.

It is better to stick to one thread so people who try to help you have all the facts.

Tell your husband your have scheduled him for a lie detector test to see if he is telling you the truth about his adultery.

What is he willing to do to save his marriage?

What is he willing to do to provide for his family and keep them safe?

Yeah, we never had a great marriage in the first place. But I'm a faithful thing, and I'm married for life. The short answer is, very common, very often, and yes to most of the above. I left him at one time, because I was afraid of him. (He has no criminal record, but he could easily have one, if I felt like hurting him.) In spite of all his crap, I love him. He no longer is threatening, but he still yells. (Diverts attention from himself by recriminating, whenever possible.) Life is too hard. It just gets harder, apparently.

Sounds a lot like me. I put up with a lot trying to save my marriage.

I found out I had syphilis, and told HIM. Now we have both been treated, and have been tested for every other terrifying disease out there, and have been pronounced clean.

We have two boys, ages 7 and 9.

I want to keep my marriage. I though we had a crappy, but faithful, marriage. To discover that the ONE thing I thought we had, was a lie, is just too much for me to bear. I'm not ready to just throw it away. If it's dead, it's dead... but until it starts truly rotting away before my eyes, I'm going to be trying to resuscitate it. In spite of all the crap I've have to live through and put up with... I love the jerk, and I want to make this work.

I do sincerely believe that he is telling the truth, and that this was the only time... even though he was originally lying about it, and had been caught red-handed in the act of "handling himself" with porn, and denied that too. I know he is quite capable of lying. I have often caught him in a lie. I just don't think he is lying about this. My own niece would have done what he claims this girl did, in a heartbeat, and thought nothing of it. I guess that's why it's believable to me.

How do I go about getting them combined? He has a friend that does lie detector tests, though I suppose a friend of HIS may not be the best choice. I'm just a mess right now, and I'm grasping at straws, trying to figure out what to do.

Believable (which I wouldnt say it is) is not the same thing as true. There are two sayings I've seen on here which really resonated with me

1) If a wayward's lips are moving - they are lying.

2) Trust what you can verify

What do you know to be true, what can you find out? Lie detector test sounds good to me.

You say: "I'm assuming if the opportunity ever arose again, he'd do it again".

Find out. Ask him this when he's hooked up to a polygraph. Besides, if he acts on every opportunity, this would mean he has two or three gfs out there. Or other indiscretions you NEED to know about.

if the lie detector isnt hitting the spot with you, you could start in a sneakier fashion and use keylogger on computer, voice recorder to catch him talking on the phone when you're out, gps to see where he goes when not with you.

hugs. Do you have someone trustworthy to lean on?

Have you decided that, for you, there is no boundary for abusive behavior?
By this I mean, your husband cannot ever be too abusive as far as you are concerned.

If he continues being abusive you will not leave him.
Do I read this correctly?

Is this your stance?

PS:
What was your response to the drug/alcohol abuse?

Let me see if I understand this--You've only had the results for a week, but your WH has already been to the doctor and been tested 'for everything' (which btw, is not really 'everything' since that is near impossible) and he has totally clean results back?

No, he was abusive. You asked "ever"... the answer was yes, a lot,... but it was in the past. I left him, and he admitted that he was abusive - the only other time in his life he has apologized for anything - and we made a fresh start. This was about 3-4 years ago. For the sake of my children, I left. For the sake of my children, I went back. If he became abusive again, I would go. He knows this, and has done nothing even close to that since. He still yells like a banshee when he gets upset. We're working on that, as it is linked to his cheating... impulse control. He doesn't have any. Likewise, he lacks the impulse control to stop smoking pot. He never drank. He hates alcohol.

I found out I had syphilis BEFORE I knew he had cheated. He confessed the same day I got treatment and further testing. The next day he went to MY doctor and received treatment and testing as well. The results came back yesterday. I believe my doctor. I see no reason for her to lie. "Everything" consists of HIV, Hep B, Hep C, Herpes, Gonorrhea (sp?), Chlamydia, and HPV. I'm sure there may be more... but, for both of us, those tests came back as normal.

Well, I am sure your doctor would not lie. Did you see the results yourself? Speak to the doctor directly?

I got MY results back already. My results are clean. The doctor won't share his results with me, but they are mailing a copy to us. I will call the doctor tomorrow, to see if there is anything that I should know about that she CAN tell me,

Oh Hops,

He hasn't been abusive for 3-4 years? Do you mean "just" physically? Alrighty then. Do you know the exact date of his last physical abuse of you? I was slapped ONCE IN MY LIFE by a man/boy when I was 19, and I remember exactly where I was, what time it was, what the circumstances were, and what I was wearing. I am now 47. Never even came close to happening again in so many years. A foreign concept to me. And, he still yells "like a banshee"? This not abuse to you?

He "hates" alcohol, but "can't stop" smoking pot?

Seems to me that an A is the least of your problems, but rather a symptom of much greater problems. Sorry...my opinion.

Rather than thinking of how much abuse is too much, that it's not like it used to be, that as long as you are still with him you can control it, and that if you leave it will be worse...how's about considering that fact that ANY abuse is TOO MUCH.

You owe your kids an abuse-free environment. Verbal, physical...ANY ABUSE. I'm sad for your kids that you aren't protecting them. What is your boundary?

Click "notify" and asked that your threads are linked.

"Likewise, he lacks the impulse control to stop smoking pot. He never drank. He hates alcohol."

And, Hops, how do YOU feel about his smoking pot? Do you? Be honest.

Nope, it's not true. Speaking as a guy who had an affair, I can tell you that's a pile of manure. Don't get me wrong, I was as big a sinner as anyone -- but letting some skanky stranger that you just met put her mouth on your...? Ewwwwww!

Your husband isn't ready to face up to his selfishness if he's trying to hide behind an excuse as lame as "Hey, any guy woulda done it." For any instance of marital infidelity, there are no excuses. There are explanations, but not excuses. (And "Any guy woulda done it" isn't even a good explanation, 'cuz it's not true.)

HIV doesn't show up in tests that quickly - I believe I've heard 6 months, 12 months, and 36 months - you need to test at each interval to make sure they remain negative.

You might want to talk to your doctor!