My husband and I have been married 24 years. I am 53 years old. Around my 40th birthday I started hanging out with some old friends from high school...trying to recapture my youth I guess. One night my husband and I went out to a bar with all my old friends and my old boyfriend from high school was there. I acted a fool and went after him...I guess just to prove I still HAD IT? I made a fool of myself and humilated my husband. He has never ever gotten over it even though we have gone over it many times in the past thirteen years. We did not have sex but I did sneak off to the back with him. My husband says that if I just tell the truth it will be over and he will forgive me but I wasnt truthful in the beginning so now anthing i say he says I am lying I love my husband very much what do i do?

Does saying "we did not have sex" make this any better? It's the disrespect that you showed that has your BH angry even now.

I know that. I have tried for years to show him how very sorry I am and that I love him and am committed to the life we have but he just cant get past it. I am well aware that I hurt him deeply. What can i do to show him that?

no it doesnt make it any better at all . I know i hurt him deeply but I dont know how to make our marriage get past this. i have never done anything else in the last fifteen years i have been very sorry and remorseful and i have acknowledged his pain and my part in causing it. Will this never end?

It can end when the two of you build a romantic relationship. Follow the MB program to meet each other's emotional needs. Start by reading the material on this site as well as the books, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters".

Be transparent with all your activities. Eliminate any lovebusters. Spend a minimum of 20 hours/week in undivided attention, meeting the four critical, intimate needs. These four are affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

Your husband should stop bringing this up.

Your story obviously doesn't GEL to him. That usually happens when a spouse is not telling the truth. Why not make an appointment to take a polygraph and clear it up once and for all?

I offered to do just that.

I have given him my entire life for the past fifteen years. I have my daughters and him. I have no friends that I do anything with outside of our marriage the only person that I do things with is my family. I thought that this devotion would prove to him how very sorry that I am.

Offering and doing

Both end in ing but are not the same.

It's obvious offering has not had much impact on your BH.

As to not having sex. Bill Clinton said: "I did not have sex with that woman"

We found out he was lying. Are you lying to us? What exactly went down.

What did you mean you went to back with the OM?

What happened?

Something happened to make BH upset?

Start being honest here.

Then come and get your BH to post here as well. MB will be able to help him move past this, and help the both of you to recover to a new marriage better then the old one.

I kissed him and that was all. My husband doesnt want to believe that but if I said anything else I would be lying and I mean that with all my heart. where do i go to get a lie detector test? I will do it and I mean it. I want my marriage back. Obviously I didnt want my old boyfriend....it happened one night fifteen years ago.........

Call your local police station and ask them for a recommendation for a qualified polygraph tester. I would also stop minimizing what you did by brushing it off as "it happened 15 years ago.." Are you kidding? Stop minimizing it and take steps to make sure your husband has the full truth.

Did you end all contact with that loser? Is he married? And if so, does his wife know?

p.s. I would lose the direspectful, victim attitude. It is not helping you at all, AS YOU CAN SEE. What you did has tormented your husband for YEARS and you are acting like you are the victim because he has expressed his suspicions. You are not the victim, HE IS. He is RIGHT to be very suspicious of a woman who behaves so untrustworthy. He is right to not believe your story. Most betrayed spouses can smell a lie and when a story does not GEL, it drives them crazy.

So please drop the attitude. It will not help your marriage one bit and just makes it look like you are hiding something.

yes, i have not had any contact with this guy at all. i am so tired of arguing about this....i came on here to get some advice and all i have gotten is the same thing i get from my husband....if i didnt know better i would think you were my husband. thanks.

Do you think that maybe others might have a point you should listen to? If others are telling you the same thing your husband does, there might be a message there. You sound very defensive and cagey in your posts. That attitude, no doubt, comes through to your husband and makes the problem worse. Your defensiveness raises red flags. But that can all be resolved if you just take a polygraph. Just take a test for him and hopefully that will settle the matter.

Did you really want help or did you just want some yes men to help you blame your husband?

I have never once blamed my husband for what I did. I have taken the blame and the consequences. Where is this world does it say that people should never forgive and keep something going on and on? I am very sorry I have showed him that over and over. I have no contact with any of those people. The only people that I do anything with is my family. we have had a good life and what i thought was a good marriage why should we have to rehash this over and over. What i did was wrong, i hurt him and i just dont know what to do to make it better....have you thought that maybe i am defensive because i have been going over this for the past twenty four hours wit him. please i dont need anymore beatings i have had enough...

pstogs, you are criticizing your H for not believing your story and for continuing to bring it up. You don't sound sorry to me at all, rather you sound defensive.

I bring this up because if you sound this way to me, I am sure you sound this way to HIM. Your defensiveness throws up all manner of red flags to an objective observer.

Do you want to resolve this or not? If you do, then drop the defensiveness, schedule a polygraph and don't do it with an attitude and don't play the victim. Tell him you feel so bad you have made him wonder all these years that you really want to put this to rest FOR HIM. Tell him to give you a list of questions and you will answer them honestly. Let HIM come up with the questions for the polygraph tester.

pstogs, you asked for help from objective observers and this is what I see. You can take it or leave it. Its all the same to me.

you know i feel for you...my husband cant get over a one night stand that did not involve sex but kissing okay i know bill clinton said he did not have sex with that woman but I swear I didnt....anyway I am sorry It has never occurred again and that was fifteen years ago I have begged his forgiveness, i have told him i know what i did to him was horrible but to no avail.. our marriage will be going good and then he brings it up again. what am i to do from your perspective? If your wife has shown you that she loves you and is committed to you and your marriage why cant you forgive her and built a better life together?

p.s. have you stopped hanging out in bars?

I never hang out in bars.....thanks for your advise. I will try to quit being defensive and i will try to clean up my life.

Forgiveness is something that is EARNED, it is not an entitlement program. If your H does not believe you are telling the truth, then it would be inappropriate to forgive you. Dr Harley doesn't believe that forgiveness is appropriate unless there has been just compensation. For example, the conditions that led to the event should be eliminated. Did you stop hanging out in bars? Did you end your relationships with the opposite sex?

Yes and yes. I didnt hang out in bars to begin with and the life that we have had since the indescretion has been fine. At what point do you earn forgiveness? I have had no contact with him or these friends since that point in our marriage. I have said repeatly in these posts that my only friends are him and my daughters...they are the only people I do anything with. I have no contact with these people that I let into my life. What more can I do. I have honestly told him what happened, I have no contact with these people, I have no friends other that my husband and my family, I dont do things without my husband and I dont hang out in bars...not that I ever did. Now what to do?

pstogs, let me put it another way. When a story does not GEL, a betrayed spouse is like a bloodhound. They have no peace until the story rings TRUE. He will continue to DIG until the story rings true. Unfortunately, many waywards stupidly withhold critical details so they "won't hurt" the BS. BIG MISTAKE. I hope you are not doing that.

For some reason your story does not add up for your husband. Get the polygraph, lose the attitude, and hopefully that will make him feel better. If you pass the polygraph and it doesn't reassure him, then you can send him here and we can help him.

edited to add: why are you posting this to Mike's thread?? He is fighting for his marriage and you are bringing this to his thread? Why?

I told you what to do. GEt a polygraph test. The reason he has not forgiven you is because he doesn't believe your story. Its impossible to forgive under those circumstances.

Posts from other thread have been merged into this one.

All I hear is "its really not that bad" "it's just an indiscretion"

Until you can admit to yourself the awful, disgusting thing you did to your husband he will never heal. It wasn't just a "discretion". It was the most evil, disgusting thing you ever could have done to your husband.

pstogs, are you listening with an open mind? Because this is exactly how you come across to objective observers. THAT is very probably one of the reasons your H can't drop this. The fact that you minimize it must scare him to death. Taking off and making out with another man WHILE YOUR OWN HUSBAND IS IN THE BUILDING is some amazing chutzpah that, no doubt, scares the hell out of your husband. Fooling around is bad enough, but to do it when you husband is right there is very disrespectful.

I hope you are listening to what we are saying because I don't think you understand how you are coming across.

PSTOGS: My FWH once cried out to me: What else can I do? I've done everything you ask, and you still doubt me. My response was: If being a faithful husband is so difficult, then perhaps we shouldn't be married.

The lightbulb went off for him. He realized that being a man of his convictions is ALL that he can do, and all he wanted to do to be the best man, husband and father. And that, long term, if he continues to be this good man, I would heal fully.

I would ask you PSTOGS: Are you doing ALL that you can for him? No love busting? Making plenty of deposits in his love bank?

And, conversely, is he meeting your needs? Yes, it sucks that we BSes have to meet your needs when we're in utter, shattering pain, but if the MB plan is to work, it's got to be done.

The only way you'll heal is to follow the plan.

I was thinking this the whole time I was reading this as well. An "indiscretion?" NOPE. ADULTERY. A PHYSICAL AFFAIR. Not, "only a kiss."

And you are saying, "I only hang out with family." As if you are saying, "Look what I gave up. What about ME?" Resentment is NOT healthy for a marriage, and you are building up a whole lotta resentment. See how silly that is? You are starting to build resentment towards your VICTIM.

You want help why not get your bh to post here?

Why not try a MB weekend, home course, phone counseling?

PSTOGs,

I'll give you a few perspectives I have on what you wrote.

I acted a fool and went after OM... I made a fool of myself and humilated my husband.

Perhaps back then your H did not feel sexually connected to you or H felt a lack of passion in your marriage, perhaps your H always had to persue you or initiate sex.

Your pursuit of OM confirmed for H that it was not you who had the problem with arousal, but it was H inadequacy that was the problem.

Men tend to remember sexual details so if during that time period you did not kiss your H passionately and possibly still do not it can be a huge issue.

I wasnt truthful in the beginning so now anthing.

So for how long did you lie to him.

Did your H ever confront OM or talk with the other mans wife?

God Bless
Gamma

No friends but your husband and family? I find that hard to believe myself. Do you work? Do you have a facebook page? Chat rooms? Online games?

PST, I'll second this, b/c it was the first thing that I thought of when I read:




What have you done in the last 15 years to eliminate your lovebusting behaviors (LB's) and to try and meet your BH's most important emotional needs (EN's)? Do you know what your LB's are? Do you know what your BH's EN's are? Have you asked him what you can do to demonstrate your remorse and repentance?

I gave my H trickle truth also. He quite rightly doesn't believe much of what I say anymore. While I certainly don't do everything right in my recovery attempts, I've learned enough to know that sometimes if we're doing the things we think we should be doing, it is not what our BH needs us to be doing, capice?

In other words, I have a great need for affection. It's something I'm comforable with expressing. I like hand-holding, cuddling, hugs, little romantic mushy stuff. Affection was not even in the "top 5" EN's for my H. So I'm doing all this romantic stuff, and while it may have made some deposits in his love bank, it wasn't making big ones.

So, if you figure out your H's top 5 ENs, you can target your efforts to meet those, thereby making the largest deposits in his LB$.

Most importantly, Dr. H says that you should be spending UA time together meeting the 5 intimate EN's b/c it is critical that no member of the opposite sex be allowed to meet those ENs. And, it is the fastest way back to falling in love with each other.