I started having an emotional affair with a neighbor friend for about 1 year before it turned more serious. My husband hasn't been there emotionally or physically do to job hours. I simply became just friends with someone handsome seperated and going through a slow divorse process who's kids are good friends with ours. We mostly got to know each other through texting. He let his guard down. Filled me in on all his life problems with his family, ect... I started to really get to know him and eventually felt close enough and told him my feelings for him. Thoughed he would say I was crazy but just laughed. Sex was casually talked about. Our topics turned private and then focused on us. We eventually swapped bad pictures and I ended up calling him over one night. It didn't go all the way but became intimate. I've told my husband and we are tryng to make everything better between us. This OM moved. I still occationally see this man at school and still struggle getting him out of my head. I miss his friendship and him. How do I forget him when I can't stop thinking about him? I'm trying to repair my marriage but I struggle with thinking about him. Kind advice needed.
. I still occationally see this man at school and still struggle getting him out of my head. I miss his friendship and him. How do I forget him when I can't stop thinking about him? I'm trying to repair my marriage but I struggle with thinking about him. Kind advice needed.
What you do is you stop seeing him. Every time you see him puts you back to day 1 of recovery. I would make plans to take your kids out of that school and end contact for life, even if you have to move. Hopefully you don't let your kids play together anymore.
p.s. you do realize that you have very poor boundaries around men? That is the reason you had the affair. And you will have more if you don't tighten up your boundaries.
Men many times do actions such as working long hours for their families. This IS a way of showing love.
You returned his love by justifying a reason to have an adulterous relationship with a man you found handsome. (your words) You justified his working long hard hours when you were doing what???
My response is truthful. Some might call it kind, because it is truthful, but i'll not pad anything I write.
You repaid your husband who IS WORKING FOR YOU and the family all the time and you're an affair with a cowardly man? A nearby cowardly man?
If you wanted to forget this pos, then here's my advice.
1)FOLLOW MB PRINICPLES IMMEDIATELY. 2)NC for life 3)If your family needs money this bad, then YOU go get a part time job so your husband is home more to meet your needs.
You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. You do not get to sit home and eat bon bons or cupcakes and while he's gone,cheat on your husband who is out working hard...sounds like he may be working even TWO jobs in this tough economy.
Men many times do actions such as working long hours for their families. This IS a way of showing love.
You returned his love by justifying a reason to have an adulterous relationship with a man you found handsome. (your words) You justified his working long hard hours when you were doing what???
My response is truthful. Some might call it kind, because it is truthful, but i'll not pad anything I write.
You repaid your husband who IS WORKING FOR YOU and the family all the time and you're an affair with a cowardly man? A nearby cowardly man?
If you wanted to forget this pos, then here's my advice.
1)FOLLOW MB PRINICPLES IMMEDIATELY. 2)NC for life 3)If your family needs money this bad, then YOU go get a part time job so your husband is home more to meet your needs.
You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. You do not get to sit home and eat bon bons or cupcakes and while he's gone,cheat on your husband who is out working hard...sounds like he may be working even TWO jobs in this tough economy.
Pepperband, yes I viewed the video. Thank you. It makes sense. The OM has moved away so the only chance to run into him would be occationally at our childrens school. I passed him yesterday while he had his back turned and I never said anything. We cannot take our kids out of the best school and make them suffer. His kids are still next door with his seperated wife. We can't punish the kids and tell them they can't play anymore. OM knows it was a mistake, don't believe he has feelings for me, he never once said. He made sure the flirting stopped after that night when it became more serious. By then I had feelings for him so I struggled with it. Then I struggled with NC after he moved because it was cold turkey. I do feel like a horrible person to do this to a great man, my husband who I love a lot. I have a question for you. I felt like my hsband and I were growing apart. IS that only because I was developing feelings for someone else? How can I develope feelings for someone else if married? I have a hard time forgiving myself for treating my husband that way and bringing him so much pain. I prayed a lot in the begining to get this OM out of my head but he never left my head and I liked his attention and felt close to him and stopped praying because I liked the feeling his friendship gave me. Now I struggle because I let my selfishness get there. But I don't really see him anymore and I'm trying to repair the damage.
. We cannot take our kids out of the best school and make them suffer. His kids are still next door with his seperated wife. We can't punish the kids and tell them they can't play anymore
You are punishing your kids by exposing your marriage to this risk. Your kids can recover from changing schools, they can't recover from your upcoming divorce that will result from your continued contact with the OM. It is impossible to recover your marriage under these conditions.
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I have a question for you. I felt like my hsband and I were growing apart. IS that only because I was developing feelings for someone else? How can I develope feelings for someone else if married
How can you develop feelings for someone else while married? By allowing some other man to meet your needs. You allowed another woman's husband to meet your needs so, of course, you grew apart from your husband and developed feelings for that woman's husband. You have very poor boundaries around men, that is what the problem is.
Can you please send your husband here? He is in danger and probably does not understand that. We need to speak to someone who is not fogged out.
Pepperband, yes I viewed the video. Thank you. It makes sense. The OM has moved away so the only chance to run into him would be occationally at our childrens school. I passed him yesterday while he had his back turned and I never said anything.
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But I don't really see him anymore and I'm trying to repair the damage.
You just saw him yesterday... Is there more contact? Do you email him? Speak to him on the phone?
I started having an emotional affair with a neighbor friend for about 1 year before it turned more serious. My husband hasn't been there emotionally or physically do to job hours. I simply became just friends with someone handsome seperated and going through a slow divorse process who's kids are good friends with ours. We mostly got to know each other through texting. He let his guard down. Filled me in on all his life problems with his family, ect... I started to really get to know him and eventually felt close enough and told him my feelings for him. Thoughed he would say I was crazy but just laughed. Sex was casually talked about. Our topics turned private and then focused on us. We eventually swapped bad pictures and I ended up calling him over one night. It didn't go all the way but became intimate. I've told my husband and we are tryng to make everything better between us. This OM moved. I still occationally see this man at school and still struggle getting him out of my head. I miss his friendship and him. How do I forget him when I can't stop thinking about him? I'm trying to repair my marriage but I struggle with thinking about him. Kind advice needed.
Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
His kids are still next door with his seperated wife.
sunnysunshine. It sounds like OM was still living at home with his family when the EA started. And that OM has since moved after the A began.
Are you being honest with us here?
Were you also pretending to be the friend of this OM wife? Are you still pretending to be her friend?
yes I'm honest and no was never her friend. He told me she never liked me and talked negative about me. Since I've told her we've become friends but we are different people who would never be the type to hang out.
Then I struggled with NC after he moved because it was cold turkey..
Its good that you recognise your feelings for him as addiction and recognise the need for cold turkey. Well done.
Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
I passed him yesterday while he had his back turned and I never said anything.
But this is not cold turkey, is it? Not so well done. You are within sight and sound of your addiction. You did interact. He read your body language. You read his. You were probably getting a kick of adrenaline when this happened. You re-analysed the scene on the way home. It is akin to an alcholic warming some brandy and then sticking his nose over the jar to smell - oh but he didnt drink it, YET.
Originally Posted by sunnysunshine
How can I develope feelings for someone else if married? .
Easy. By allowing it! (You might as well ask how someone becomes obese when they clearly dont really need or want that much food.)
OM says nice things. Its sorta like a bite of cake. Not very important to you, but nice. Breaks up the day. Stops you feeling bored.
OM listens to you. A different cake today. Why not take a bite?
OM seems pleased when you say nice things to him. Cake all over both faces by this point.
Flirting and downright disgustingly inappropriate things about sex are mentioned. In a way you would never have dreamed of on the first day of meeting him. But it keeps the cake coming, GALLONS of it.
After cake with the OM, your real appetite for healthy, tasty food is totally destroyed. After gorging on sugar and icing, you have no real regard for your h's fillet mignon.
By this time you start to notice the effect of your cake gorging. The calories have added up. You are so grotesquely fat you arent you anymore. You cant do the things you used you. You have no energy and are so irritable with everyone.
You thought you could indulge in a little harmless ego-boosting with OM -but you didn't count the calories.
Like calories, love bank units add up until they control you, not the other way around.
If you spent all your time with Hitler, and he was charming and said thngs that made you happy - you would have feelings for him.
The calories of what you DO eat count up no matter what you have in your freezer at home. You are what you eat.
yes I'm honest and no was never her friend. He told me she never liked me and talked negative about me. I didn't ask if you were friends...I asked if you were "pretending" (as in presenting yourself) to be her friend. Of course she didn't like you - you were a third person in her marriage. Do you think that she didn't know that?
Since I've told her we've become friends She's actually a nice person isn't she? but we are different people who would never be the type to hang out. No she doesn't sneak around with other people's husbands.
sunnysunshine. You have some work to do here. Facing the reality of your actions is the first step.
It sounds like you are trying to minimize the whole thing when you keep stating that they are separated. Separated is STILL married. Try inserting married into each place where you have said separated. Doesn't sound so nice anymore does it?
SS, Sometimes the truth will hurt. If you truly want to recover, you will stick with us and face that truth.
Nope never pretented to be her friend cuz I never liked her. Right from the start she was cold and mean. She is not a nice person at all. She enjoys being mean and spiteful to people. I've witnessed that from her fb postings. She mentally abused him for years. She's not a believer. I am trying to be friendly with her so I stay off her bad side. Don't jump to conclusions without knowing the facts. She cheated on Her husband 3 times
Nope never pretented to be her friend cuz I never liked her. Right from the start she was cold and mean. She is not a nice person at all. She enjoys being mean and spiteful to people. I've witnessed that from her fb postings. She mentally abused him for years. She's not a believer. I am trying to be friendly with her so I stay off her bad side. Don't jump to conclusions without knowing the facts. She cheated on Her husband 3 times
But you are not in a position to call anyone "mean" or to criticize anyone for cheating. You are having an affair with her husband, after all. That is about as "mean" as it gets.
Can you ask your husband to come here so we can talk to him?
Nope never pretented to be her friend cuz I never liked her. Right from the start she was cold and mean. She is not a nice person at all. She enjoys being mean and spiteful to people. I've witnessed that from her fb postings. She mentally abused him for years. She's not a believer. I am trying to be friendly with her so I stay off her bad side. Don't jump to conclusions without knowing the facts. She cheated on Her husband 3 times
I'd be curious to know what those Facebook posts were all about.
Really? She mentally abused him for years? You lived in their house?
She cheated on her husband 3 times? How do you know this for a fact? Because her husband told you?
After he left I had to talk to her because our kids play. About the same time he made it official with his now gf. I talked to his wife about the gf and heard some of her side to their problems and told her that he came over and we almost but didn't.
The point is that you are putting yourself in full view of alcohol (the MM) and expecting that staring at it, and wanting it, won't stop you from having it.
He doesn't keep coming in contact with me. He doesnt feel the same. Never once said it. He said he doesn't believe it was an affair. He thinks just good friends who crossed the line. I told him it was more an EA for me
They all say "It was just good friends who crossed a line."
EXPOSE this Sordid rotting thing to the public and then you can determine if it was an affair or not. I bet his reaction and that of the public would be quite interesting.
Is it destroying your marriage? Did you give yourself to another man in your heart? Would you do it in front of your husband?
If you can answer yes to at least one of these questions this it was an affair.
EXPOSE this to your family, OM's family, all children, neighbors, church pastors, and anyone else that would hold you accountable.
Oh brother. U make it difficult. Only stated she's not Christian. I am and I never said it was ok to do what happened. We are not perfect like Jesus was.
Oh brother. U make it difficult. Only stated she's not Christian. I am and I never said it was ok to do what happened. We are not perfect like Jesus was.
He stabs his wife in the back, befouls his neighbours marriage by getting physical with his wife - and its 'just friends crossing the line!!!!!'
It is ADULTERY
And it was not an EA - it was Emotional and Physical .....
Yep - that's two knives in your husbands back
Speaking of believers, what do you and Mr Scumbag think about coveting a neighbour's wife/husband?
I believe that's a commandment....
And nowhere does it say
Thou shalt not covet they neighbours wife
....unless youre just good friends who crossed the line
.....unless POSOM's wife isnt a believer
......unless POSOW husband works late
.........unless we 'couldnt' 'hurt' the kids by moving schools, kept seeing each other and 'couldnt help' what happened next
or any other garbage justification excuse you can think of comes to mind....
Seriously GROW up, WAKE up and get this man out of your life.
Make your world a scumbag free universe and dedicate yourself to healing your husband of the enormous wrong, betrayal and deep wound you have caused him
You're not getting it, sunny. Did you really watch the video that Pepperband posted to you? What did you retain? Did you understand it?
Do you know who Dr. Harley is? Here's what he says about seeing your former adultery partner after the affair:
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In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
Sunny, stick with me for a couple of minutes while I kick this around with you a little, 'k? ...
I was in an EA once. At one point, my wife expressed concern about the time I was spending with OW. Of course, I swore nothing untoward was happening. Said we were just practicing music. But just the same, I promised I wouldn't spend more time alone with OW.
Part of my mind was jolted awake a bit by that conversation. I realized where this could be headed. And so I told OW it had to end. We had to make sure we just stayed friends.
But one chink in my armor was, I was still going to be seeing her every week. At church on Sundays, and at music team rehearsals on Thursdays. So we'd still have occasion to talk.
And some other part of my mind wasn't all that concerned that there'd be any danger for us in remaining in contact. That part still enjoyed her attention, still enjoyed the knowledge that she thought I was a "really great guy" (she'd said so). That was a nice ego-boost for me.
Maybe it would've been ok if she'd backed off. I hadn't made the first move, after all. I didn't start out looking for an affair. I'd always known when to draw lines, all my life. So I could handle this. I could manage it. No prob.
Turns out I managed it for not quite 2 more weeks after that.
See, after not much time, she decided she didn't want to back off. And when she didn't, I didn't handle things so well at all. I didn't manage it. I ended up immersed in a physical affair. I hit rock-bottom. I played a certain role in ending another couple's marriage. I came God-knows-how-close to ruining my own marriage. ... All things I'd once have sworn I'd never have reason to say about myself.
My point? That this "no-contact" stuff you hear people talking about here on this site is really, really serious stuff.
You can't really imagine how serious it can be, until you've lived it all the way to rock-bottom like I did.
I'm here to ask ya to do yourself a favor and please try to imagine it anyway.
'Cuz maybe it's more serious than you think.
Or maybe you're a notch better than I was. Or maybe you'll be luckier than I was and your OM won't push it further with you. And maybe your husband's constant knowledge, in the back of his mind, that OM is still in your life & on your radar screen -- even if only at the periphery -- won't cause your husband to become more tentative & less giving toward you, more defensive, more withdrawn from you. Maybe it won't adversely impact your marriage at all. I dunno... are you feeling lucky?
I know I've done wrong. To help prove a point and see what OM would say, I contacted him and asked a few questions. For the record HE SAID, HE NEEDS TO NOT TALK TO ME FOR MY HUSBAND AND FOR HIM AND HIS GF and I need to just let it go. So as yo can see there will never be any in person meeting. He might be among the croud on occational holiday functions but my HB will be with me. I asked him to do me a favor and if he see's me to turn around and don't let me see him. We won't change our life. We will have to learn how to deal with the reminders but OM is not interested in me and is not a threat to my marriage. I just need to keep praying to take away the thoughts and that the reminders don't effect us. I've listed and thank you for all your advice.
To use a different analogy, a man likes chocolate cake. He decides one day it is bad for him. But he continues to see it, and one day breaks down and eats it.
HE IS A THREAT TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOU MUST HAVE NO CONTACT FOR LIFE.
The reminders are called "triggers." You will always have them and you will NEVER be able to recover your M unless you STOP seeing him, period.
How does your husband feel about this? Does he like the idea of his wife seeing her affair partner--even the chance of it? Knowing what happened between you two?
You aren't special. Your BH isn't special. OM isn't special. These plans work, IF you USE them. ALL of them.
It's your choice, since it's your life.
Think about it this way, what do any of US gain here? What stake do WE have in your marriage? The answer is easy, NONE. So why would we tell you how to do this? Because it WORKS.
To help prove a point and see what OM would say, I contacted him and asked a few questions.
To WHOM were you trying to prove a point?
Are you listening to nothing that we say?
Sunny, I would like you to talk about the video that Pepperband linked for you. What parts did you agree with? What parts did you NOT agree with? What parts did you think were important for your particular situation?
I'm saying this because I think that you never watched that video at all. If you did and you're offended that I believe you're lying, you'll be able to answer my questions. If you didn't, you're going to be forced to watch in order to answer my questions. Either way, my goal is accomplished, knowing that you have watched that video, which is critically important to you.
You need to go no contact because YOU will always be triggered. YOU won't get rid of those thoughts. YOU won't be able to be the wife your husband deserves because YOU will be thinking of OM constantly.
Every time you see OM, hear his name, see his name, see his kids, see his ex-wife, you will think of him.
No contact at all will make the thoughts of him less and less, then hardly ever.
I know I've done wrong. To help prove a point and see what OM would say, I contacted him and asked a few questions. For the record HE SAID, HE NEEDS TO NOT TALK TO ME FOR MY HUSBAND AND FOR HIM AND HIS GF and I need to just let it go.
What were these questions you asked for the record?
Strange you didnt mention them if you only asked them for our benefit.
You know and we know that you are struggling very hard with this addiction.
As soon as you get a GREAT EXCUSE to see/talk or try to seduce this man - you GO FOR IT.
Great excuse #1 My kids schooling! No matter that they can get schooling anywhere but that they have only one parental marriage because - I can still see OM!!!!
Great excuse #2 I will see what he says 'for the record' to 'prove a point' I will totally ignore the fact I am lying to myself with a story a child could see through because - I can talk to OM!
Great excuse #3 I don't need EPs because OM doesnt want to talk to me, but - that wont stop me trying to win OM round!!!
Great excuse #4 Its easier to do nothing and blame being 'weak' - because it just is. And it gets me more OM cake.
sunnysunshine. You don't have to prove anything to us ...it is your BH whose trust you must "EARN".
We are trying to give you the tools to earn back his trust, to rebuild the love in your marriage, and to affair proof your marriage going forward.
You can choose to listen and learn the principles and recover your marriage or you can choose to fight and end up in a crippled marriage that never recovers. It is solely up to you.
I hope that you give MB a sincere try. Really, this is a safe place. The sometimes brutal posts are only meant to knock you out of your "fog" and help you to think more clearly. And that was not meant as a dig because most of us suffered from this fog whether wayward or betrayed.
U guys r great and I've appreciated all ur advice. I watched the video and I'm not lying about anything. What u don't understand is that it was not a fancy love affair. It was just inappropriate texting. We never hung out when we could of. Of course I wanted to. Seriously he has NO FEELINGS for me, wont talk to me for my and his relationship. He is NOT addicted to me. Yes I am. I felt like a single mom for two years and I was lonely and his attention helped. My HB knows that occasional contact is not what he wants. We just can't change our life for just friends crossing line if what OM believes. He seriously will not pursue me. Yes I'm weak around him. I'll run into him once for each holiday. I mean nothing to him so the only big deal is me who needs to not let it bother me. Yes it's the wrong approach but it's not like he's in love with me lol
I watched the video and I'm not lying about anything... It was just inappropriate texting. We never hung out when we could of. Of course I wanted to.
And how would you feel if you H was engaging in "just inappropriate texting"... but wanted to take it further just wasn't given the opportunity? What you are doing is minimising your affair, the devestation and pain it can cause... and that, Sunny, is lying.
Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.
The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop.You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
No contact with OM in any way, shape, or form for LIFE sunnysunshine. That is your first step. Can you do that?
Seriously he has NO FEELINGS for me, wont talk to me for my and his relationship. He is NOT addicted to me. Yes I am. I felt like a single mom for two years and I was lonely and his attention helped... He seriously will not pursue me. Yes I'm weak around him. I'll run into him once for each holiday. I mean nothing to him so the only big deal is me who needs to not let it bother me. Yes it's the wrong approach but it's not like he's in love with me lol
Sunny, I am hearing that YOU are addicted, and hurt that OM is not... this makes you very vulnerable to chance. If given the opportunity, you are vulnerable to to all of the tragedy that accompanies a full-blown affair.
If OM was to end his affair with OW#2, and decide he might just be interested in you, what would your response be? Honestly? Are you going to leave recovering your marriage exposed to that chance?
Follow Dr Harley's advice for total separation - the right way to end an affair. Follow ALL of the advice given to you by the vets, do NOT just pick and choose when you and your marriage are vulnerable.
No contact includes the OM family. OM wife is keeping you up to date on the OM and this is triggering your feelings for him. It takes you back to Day 1 and you have to go through the withdrawal again...over and over each time you see or hear about him.
Isn't that what just happened? OM wife told you about his accident and you felt concern for him and broke down and contacted him.
It's interesting, though, OM seems to "get" this no contact rule when it applies to you.
My HB knows that occasional contact is not what he wants.
Sunny, what do you mean by this... I assume your BH does not want you to have any contact with OM?
To quote Dr Harley "Permanent Separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse".
Don't rub salt in your BH's wound. Don't rub it in yours either.
I know I've done wrong. To help prove a point and see what OM would say, I contacted him and asked a few questions. For the record HE SAID, HE NEEDS TO NOT TALK TO ME FOR MY HUSBAND AND FOR HIM AND HIS GF and I need to just let it go.
This just proves you aren't in the least serious and are staying in contact with the OM in the hopes you can hook up. You want to keep him around so you can pursue your affair. Cheaters who are serious about ending their affairs and saving their marriages do everything in their power to cut off contact. You are going out of your way to make sure that does not happen.
You are a dangerous woman. Did you tell your husband that you contacted the OM again today?
I would ask you that send him here so we can help him protect himself and his kids FROM YOU. You are a dangerous, silly woman who is playing chicken with other people's lives. How embarrassing to see a married woman making such a fool of herself.
I've been reading along, thinking on this a bit. Hon, you *want* to continue to cheat don't you?
It is very clear to everyone here that what you are doing is the exact opposite of what you know you should be.
One thing I think you have fooled yourself into thinking is that this really isn't just that bad, when in fact it is the most destructive thing you will ever do in this life. Don't believe me? Ask my wife of 22 years how she feels about her A's. There is never anything good that comes out of it.
OM has a GF? So you are pursuing a man to cheat on her too. It will wreck you, your husband, your families, the OM, his families, his GF her family... It will affect your friends as well. No one will get off scott-free in this.
My HB doesn't want to change everything either. OM is not a threat cuz he doesn't want to repeat what he knows is wrong. Besides he has new attention now with his gf so doesn't want it from me anymore. He clearly stated his respecting my HB's wishes not to talk to me.
Which suggests you withhold information out of him because you are afraid of his reaction?
Do you see this?
Do you believe your husband has the ability to make up his own mind and form his own decisions, or do you believe it is your job to protect him based on having information that is omitted?
No way, why would I want to hurt him even more. No I won't ask him to post here and read what I've said. I don't want to send him into a depression
sunny, this is NOT protecting him - this is manipulating him. You are expecting him to recover based on what YOU think he needs to know and from which pieces YOU decide to feed him. You are trying to slide through with the least amount of damage to yourself.
This is not being honest and is why you need to send him here.
It takes two people to rebuild the marriage and you are in no position to be the driver.
SSS, I have rigorously stayed away from your thread for selfish reasons. It appears that this discourse is chasing its tail, ("I can't/won't do that"; "It wasn't like that!"; "You don't understand!" ) and consuming a lot of time/effort of some really wonderful folks here.
So let's cut right to the chase. In your opening note you wrote:
How do I forget him when I can't stop thinking about him? I'm trying to repair my marriage but I struggle with thinking about him. Kind advice needed.
Okay got a pencil? This shouldn't take long.
1) Tell your husband about EVERY past interface with POSOM that you would NOT want your Mother or children to know about. Full details: length of session (of whatever intensity); location; physical component; emotional content.
2) Tell POSOM's BW the same sordid story.
3) Apologize to both; ask BH specifically for assistance/supervision to prevent any type of renewed contact.
4) Send POSOM an NC letter, admitting your SHAME that you let your feelings for him supersede the dutiful feelings for your BH and family. Include in it DEMANDS that he honor your wish for total isolation from him (Addressing it to "POSOM" might be too much, but consider it.) Keep a copy and paste it on your refrigerator.
5) EVERY time you think of POSOM (without getting nauseous)call your BH, and the OMW. Ask their forgiveness yet again, and ask them to remind you what a slime-ball he was/is, and what an unfaithful wife you have proven yourself to be.
6) Do this for six months. Come back here if you are still having mushy-mushy thoughts about POSOM. If we hear from you at that time, I'll gladly provide the hi-intensity form of this regimen. (It involves billboards and newspaper ads, so I don't initially give that to beginners.)
U guys r great and I've appreciated all ur advice.
Sunny, exactly what advice have you followed? No point appreciating advice if you don't follow any of it.
The posters offering you advice have experience in rebuilding marriages... many of them have have rebuilt their own marriages or helped others rebuild theirs. Look at the amount of posts some of them have made, all in an effort to save an anonymous person's marriage.
Your husband needs to be here for them to help. Your husband needds advice just as you do. As mentioned, youd don't need to tell BH you are posting.
Sunny, if you continue the way you are right now, where do you see yourself in 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? I will tell you that if you continue this way you will be divorced, or on your way. You will be a shadow of who you could be. You will NOT be happy.
Now, if you follow what these posters have taken the time to advise you to do, you will be a better person. Your life will be BETTER than you have ever dreamed.
You not recovering your marriage doesn't affect anyone of us in a personal way, at all, BUT we are all here trying to help YOU. Think about that.
So he is okay with you continuing the affair with OM? If that's the case, let us know. Because there are a lot of people who want us to help them eliminate the OP from their marriage. If your husband is comfortable with interacting with OM, and you don't get the point about not having interactions with him, then you guys are good to go.
Which makes me wonder why you're here in the first place. Because if what I outlined above is the case, you are wasting the time of the posters here, and I have absolutely no patience for that.
Respond, please (unlike your non-responses to my other posts.)
I've been reading along, thinking on this a bit. Hon, you *want* to continue to cheat don't you?
It is very clear to everyone here that what you are doing is the exact opposite of what you know you should be.
One thing I think you have fooled yourself into thinking is that this really isn't just that bad, when in fact it is the most destructive thing you will ever do in this life. Don't believe me? Ask my wife of 22 years how she feels about her A's. There is never anything good that comes out of it.
OM has a GF? So you are pursuing a man to cheat on her too. It will wreck you, your husband, your families, the OM, his families, his GF her family... It will affect your friends as well. No one will get off scott-free in this.
I'm still interested in getting an answer to this...
So u guys all believe if we don't move there is no hope in recovering. Because we see his kids on a daily bases and once in a while might see him across the hall and eventhough he has said he'd never stay in the way and goodbye and has a gf and won't talk to me is not good enough?
It might be of value if posters, when initiating threads, could put STOP signs at the opening to explain what, or from whom, they do NOT want to hear. I would suggest that the following would apply to this thread: GloveOil, TheRoad, Celtic Voyager, and I have each posted here, with questions and/or pointed suggestions, and have never received so much as an acknowledgement, much less a response. I guess that a WW really would have no concerns regarding what a BH might have to say about her transgressions, or paths to recovery. (And now I can't find that "Heavy Sarcasm" sign.....)
So u guys all believe if we don't move there is no hope in recovering. Because we see his kids on a daily bases and once in a while might see him across the hall and eventhough he has said he'd never stay in the way and goodbye and has a gf and won't talk to me is not good enough?
What do HIS actions have to do with your actions and feelings?
He may be ignoring you, but you most certainly are not ignoring him. You think of him constantly and you WANT to see him
What you need is - Out of sight, out of mind.
But stop kiding us here, SS. You like fantasizing about him and arent willing to go without that.
You are responsible for your own actions and state of mind!!!
Saying - oh its ok, OM is going to take care of my conscience for me, is ludicrous.
My hb went to a church councilor who gave him more understanding about emotional affairs. How I feel? I feel withdrawn, sad, but I don�t think I�m depressed. How could OM meet emotional needs and become important to me when I was basically a way to use time up to him. He liked my attention and shared many life and childhood stories with me. Why would someone do that with someone who meant nothing to them. I don�t understand. My mind is constantly thinking of OM. I can�t get away from it but want to. I bonded with his children, took care of them a lot since mother didn�t. I became close with all of them. Now that�s all changed and they�re gone. I don�t have a clear head anymore and struggle with focusing with what�s important (my family). I don�t like myself or how I feel or how I�m hurting my hb who�s lost a lot of weight. I don�t care about myself anymore and feel unhappy when I have so much in life (a house, family, luxury toys) and shouldn�t feel that way. I don�t want to feel distant from my hb but I do. Why don�t I want his affection? When will it come back? Do I need to go on a prescription to help get my old life back?
I slipped a few times and contacted him. I'm having a hard time forgetting him.
How can we help you, sunny? You came here over a month ago to get advice. You didn't like what you heard and refused to follow it. Now you're back, wondering why nothing has changed. Nothing has changed because you've changed nothing!
I'm not sure why you are posting here if you're going to refuse to follow the advice you are given.
What are your triggers? What makes you think of him? Do you have gifts, notes, keepsakes, songs, photos etc? What circumstances were you in when you contacted him? what methods did you use? Have you been waiting for him to contact you (be honest) and is it possible for him to do so?
Are you a believer in Jesus? If yes, then perhaps you would consider the following scriptures to support the advice presented here:
Originally Posted by The Bible, NASB Translation
Matthew 5:27-30
27 �You have heard that it was said, �YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY�; 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.
The above is not exclusively for men, it's for women too. The concept of NO CONTACT fits with this scriptural truth.
We are told to FLEE temptation, in the manner of Joseph when Potiphar's wife came on to him. We are not to try to see how close we can get to the line.
FLEE temptation.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.
1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.
Seems pretty clear. Both scripture and the good folks here are telling you no contact. The recommended daily allowance of contact in any form is ZERO.
Why are you still trying to justify your thinking and moral code when it was that very thinking and moral code that allowed you to decide to have an affair?
I'm not saying you can't learn. But stop justifying your actions, and stop telling us your standard is good enough. As evidenced by your self-admitted affair, it's not.
Do you want the advice, or do you simply want validation?
This site is Marriage Builders. It's not Self-Esteem Builders. This site will not make you feel good about what you did.
It might make you feel good about what is possible in a marriage that is governed by the principles spelled out here.
But it will not make you feel good about what you did, or any wayward thinking you may still hold onto.
We both are and let me remind u, Jesus died for our sins. R u perfect. NO
After every personal encounter with a forgiven sinner, he also said go, sin no more.
The Bible is not a cafeteria plan where you pick and choose.
The Bible clearly tells us to speak out about sin.
Don't short change what Jesus did by calling what you did missing the mark.
You Broke The Seventh Commandment.
You may be forgiven, but you still broke the 7th commandment. Perhaps you need to come to grips with that and be honest with yourself.
Look at Psalms 51. Now there is a fine example of begging God for forgiveness.
Even if you are forgiven, I think anyone who claims to follow Christ would offer up such an apology to Him for sinning and requiring the sacrifice Jesus made to clean up after yours (and everyones) sinful choices.
It's not about who is perfect and who isn't. It's about are you going to recognize your sin, confess, repent and do what it takes to never take that sinful path again?
Guess his seperated wife and kids are triggers. To make things worse we (my whole family) accidently drove past his new house which is two blocks away next to my son's friends house. I get it. It will never go away cuz he's still in the picture. Thanks
Guess his seperated wife and kids are triggers. To make things worse we (my whole family) accidently drove past his new house which is two blocks away next to my son's friends house. I get it. It will never go away cuz he's still in the picture. Thanks
Guess his seperated wife and kids are triggers. To make things worse we (my whole family) accidently drove past his new house which is two blocks away next to my son's friends house. I get it. It will never go away cuz he's still in when I get him out of the picture. Thanks
Why not try POSITIVE actions instead of negative excuses. Try it. For a positive outcome. You can do it if you want to. If you prefer being mentally chained to a loser - thats up to you.
I HOPE I have misread you and by 'got it' you mean you have now got a plan - not got a reason to give up.
Ur right he is a loser and I went down to his trash level cuz his closeness felt good to me. My hb doesn't want to move the family. I am going to retrain my brain and brove to u all it can be done with out moving. The power is within me. I mean nothing to OM, i am not a threat that way. I can be strong and go on and forget him. Have faith.
Is there more contact? Do you email him? Speak to him on the phone?
) and consuming a lot of time/effort of some really wonderful folks here.
That even made 
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