But you don't understand... (for the betrayed) - 11/01/11 07:17 PM
If I expose, things won't be like they were....
We've heard it a hundred (nay, a thousand) times. You might think something like...
"I don't see the benefit of exposure, I'll lose my husband/wife. They will be mad at me, my kids are too young/stupid/immature to understand, I'll lose our income, Somebody will be mad at me (spouse, kids, family, other man/woman or their spouse)... I don't see the need to tell so many people... It's not biblical, it's vindictive."
Excuses are a dime a dozen. Exposure is a scary thing. But not for the person in the right... Want to expose but are afraid? Don't want to expose because you think it is wrong? Read on... here's a few reasons why exposure works and SHOULD be done...
On the surface, it appears that exposure will simply drive the person away and kill chances at making a recovery. In fact, exposure more often does the exact opposite? Why? Because affairs are rooted in the unreal. They are fantasy that thrives on secrecy and lies. Exposure brings the truth to the front and uncovers the secrecy. I would bet that a great many AP's feel trapped by the other and secretly want to be exposed so that the madness will end.
Does exposure anger the cheating spouse? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The question that needs to be understood is why? Why? because they cannot live in the fantasy world anymore. They have become accustomed to cake-eating. That is, having what they think is the best of both worlds. They're upset because they don't get their way. Many times they are relieved though, and the majority over time become grateful they have been exposed. A lot of times, affairs are about control. The control is removed with exposure.
Now, will you lose you husband/wife if you expose? The real question isn't will I lose them, it should be "will I get them back?" Your spouse is already gone if they are in an affair. The love, time, energy, attention, is all being focused at another person. In effect, they are just a body occupying space in your house. Already gone. exposure shocks them to their senses. It wakes them up. It tells them you will not be walked over again and again. It says sin has consequences and you won't be a consequence anymore. What does it say? It says because I love you, I won't let you continue this destructive life. It says I will fight for you because our marriage is worth it, even if you currently are not. It says "here is your opportunity to be the person you once were, or can be. By asking people to intervene on your behalf you are saying you WANT your marriage, and you want it better than it was.
Will you lose your income? Maybe. But what's more important, the money or the marriage?
What about the kids? Teaching your kids to lie helps no one. It is not protecting them at all. Teach them how to deal with problems, teach them how to work through forgiveness and be better people. Kids aren't dumb. they probably already know something's up. Trust us, the lessons the kids learn will save them down the road.
Family may be mad... So what? It wasn't you who did this. What if they look at you different? So what? Things are different. Life has changed forever. You don't want to lie to them do you? I don't know a single person who has not experienced infidelity either in person or peripherally in their family or circle of close friends. They won't be surprised. You might be though. You might be surprised to find that they can help end the affair. You might be surprised to find support in some that you thought would never help you. You might find that the least likely person may be the person to get through to your cheating spouse.
Should you tell the OMH or OMW? Yep. It is a cruel thing to keep this from them. It is harboring a lie. It is destroying their family as much as yours. Exposure on their end helps ensure the Affair ends permanently. The AP will have his hands full after being exposed. He will often be watched like a hawk.
Exposure is not biblical, it's vindictive... David was exposed for his affair with Bathsheba. Publicly. Gomer was exposed by Hosea. In the Bible, idolatry was used synonymously with adultery. God called it wh0ring. Over and over again, God lays bare Israel's spiritual adultery before the nations. Not because God is vindictive, but because God is loving. Hiding sin is never loving. It is aiding and abetting. God loved His people so much that he didn't hide their sin, he exposed it to bring them to repentance. Christ does not hide the Christian's sin. It is confessed and laid bare before God and then dealt with.
What is exposure? It is one of the greatest acts of love one can do for another. It says "I love you enough to try and save you from this death you are courting". It's not finger pointing, it's the beginning of the restoration process. It is the call to your wayward lover for them to return back to you...
We've heard it a hundred (nay, a thousand) times. You might think something like...
"I don't see the benefit of exposure, I'll lose my husband/wife. They will be mad at me, my kids are too young/stupid/immature to understand, I'll lose our income, Somebody will be mad at me (spouse, kids, family, other man/woman or their spouse)... I don't see the need to tell so many people... It's not biblical, it's vindictive."
Excuses are a dime a dozen. Exposure is a scary thing. But not for the person in the right... Want to expose but are afraid? Don't want to expose because you think it is wrong? Read on... here's a few reasons why exposure works and SHOULD be done...
On the surface, it appears that exposure will simply drive the person away and kill chances at making a recovery. In fact, exposure more often does the exact opposite? Why? Because affairs are rooted in the unreal. They are fantasy that thrives on secrecy and lies. Exposure brings the truth to the front and uncovers the secrecy. I would bet that a great many AP's feel trapped by the other and secretly want to be exposed so that the madness will end.
Does exposure anger the cheating spouse? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The question that needs to be understood is why? Why? because they cannot live in the fantasy world anymore. They have become accustomed to cake-eating. That is, having what they think is the best of both worlds. They're upset because they don't get their way. Many times they are relieved though, and the majority over time become grateful they have been exposed. A lot of times, affairs are about control. The control is removed with exposure.
Now, will you lose you husband/wife if you expose? The real question isn't will I lose them, it should be "will I get them back?" Your spouse is already gone if they are in an affair. The love, time, energy, attention, is all being focused at another person. In effect, they are just a body occupying space in your house. Already gone. exposure shocks them to their senses. It wakes them up. It tells them you will not be walked over again and again. It says sin has consequences and you won't be a consequence anymore. What does it say? It says because I love you, I won't let you continue this destructive life. It says I will fight for you because our marriage is worth it, even if you currently are not. It says "here is your opportunity to be the person you once were, or can be. By asking people to intervene on your behalf you are saying you WANT your marriage, and you want it better than it was.
Will you lose your income? Maybe. But what's more important, the money or the marriage?
What about the kids? Teaching your kids to lie helps no one. It is not protecting them at all. Teach them how to deal with problems, teach them how to work through forgiveness and be better people. Kids aren't dumb. they probably already know something's up. Trust us, the lessons the kids learn will save them down the road.
Family may be mad... So what? It wasn't you who did this. What if they look at you different? So what? Things are different. Life has changed forever. You don't want to lie to them do you? I don't know a single person who has not experienced infidelity either in person or peripherally in their family or circle of close friends. They won't be surprised. You might be though. You might be surprised to find that they can help end the affair. You might be surprised to find support in some that you thought would never help you. You might find that the least likely person may be the person to get through to your cheating spouse.
Should you tell the OMH or OMW? Yep. It is a cruel thing to keep this from them. It is harboring a lie. It is destroying their family as much as yours. Exposure on their end helps ensure the Affair ends permanently. The AP will have his hands full after being exposed. He will often be watched like a hawk.
Exposure is not biblical, it's vindictive... David was exposed for his affair with Bathsheba. Publicly. Gomer was exposed by Hosea. In the Bible, idolatry was used synonymously with adultery. God called it wh0ring. Over and over again, God lays bare Israel's spiritual adultery before the nations. Not because God is vindictive, but because God is loving. Hiding sin is never loving. It is aiding and abetting. God loved His people so much that he didn't hide their sin, he exposed it to bring them to repentance. Christ does not hide the Christian's sin. It is confessed and laid bare before God and then dealt with.
What is exposure? It is one of the greatest acts of love one can do for another. It says "I love you enough to try and save you from this death you are courting". It's not finger pointing, it's the beginning of the restoration process. It is the call to your wayward lover for them to return back to you...