I am a cheater - 11/12/11 02:56 PM
I am new to this website but old,really old to the subject. I AM THE CHEATER. **Disclaimer** I am not looking for sympathy or apathy. I am totally aware I am wrong, so I am looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I am aware that everyone here is grieving and trying to make life work. I am not up and up on the abbrieviations used, but have read alot of threads and they are helpful. I have also never used a forum so bear with me in that regard. I am also not good with specific dates, but I will try to explain the story.
The back story is: I am the husband, I am 26 and in the military stationed overseas (not deployed) and my wife, my wife is 28. We met post deployment in the states and stayed together for 4-5 months starting Jan 2009 and left each other after a heart felt trip to the Puerto Rico. In PR we discussed our future and knew we were in budding love and that we wanted to pursue it. I left for Europe and didn't see her for 4-5 months. She came in for a weekend and left again. I had knee surgery in Nov 09, and she came for that...in March of 10 we were married. A month after being married, she moved to Europe. Subsequently, she has left to go home 3 times, 2 of which she wanted and the last because I am getting out in the spring and wanted her to go home and work so we would have income after I get out of the service. Currently she is back again to work on our marriage with me. Now after apx 1/12 years of marriage I have cheated on her with one girl and prior to being married I cheated on her with 2.
Since her moving here after getting married in March of 2010; she found out about the 2 women before from an ambiguous text on my phone. Nothing she could confirm and I was selfish enough to lie about it. Her gut told her I had done this terrible thing and we argued endlessly about it for what seems like day in and day out. I tried to make her feel like she was ruining out marriage out of a misplaced hunch. For so long I lied and covered and lied. The more I lied, in hindsight, the further I pushed her away. I wont get into all the particulars now...just the generalities. We finally hit a emotionally decent patch this last summer, meaning she wasn't flipping out about the suspected girls and I started a 3rd. To clarify, I cut the two off and one of those two was a weekend fling. The 3rd was a confidant. When the wife left, she was a friend...I trusted her and talked to her about everything my wife didn't have time or was--as I foolishly thought--to emotionally weak to handle. When the wife left the last time, I don't know how or why it turned sexual but it did. I broke that off in late July and went to see her for a month in Aug. I came clean about the 2 OW while we were courting. WoW!! is the response, she flipped out so hardcore. We had exchanged verbal...'I am divorcing you's...' but after some talking we decided to try to work it out. She decided to come back to Germany in Sep and arrived in Oct. That is when after some digging she found out about the 3rd.
Where we stand know is we both want our marriage to work. I had been looking for the better part of 72 hours for information like that, that is provided here. I read everything on this site 2 and printed it out to take home and go over with the wife.
I know it is trying, extremely for her and for me...and I felt so completely and utterly guilty and I felt like there was no good place to start to mend, or even if it was too early to begin to mend. I feel guilty, but even before reading this--when me and the wife had our immediate post finding out tuffs--I realize and told her that I was ANGRY, so angry for various reasons I will get into as this thread progresses. I explain to her that I can't explain all her ?'s...I felt her wanting to be a world class detective wasn't helping. I have come to learn so much in these last days from you all and the Dr. (of which I am gracious) But she just kept on insisting that emotions have or had nothing to do with it. I know its no excuse--there is no excuse. I made the decision, but I believe that we have to work on the whole marriage and not just the symptoms.
I am writing because I have a woman I love, whom I betrayed thrice. That I love and that I want to love me, which she does...But I want to mend. I want to survive it...I want so badly to be better then I am. We need the whole marriage to work. I feel if I appease her with whatever she wants to do, say or act because of the situation I put us in, in the end I will be full of resentment towards her just when she starts to come from under the cloud I have cast on us. I am scared and confused, but I know I don't deserve the chance we have, but I will damn well not give up. I can't, I won't...do it make sense.
The last point for this first thread of many to come I am sure is: I put this on here, know I am the antagonist but I know her and I think totally different. Its as backwards as it comes, I put alot of emotional emphasis on my decisions, not to be confused with the day to day feelings. She is purely logical. She doesn't consider the emotional side when drawing her conclusion. Pure logic, if A = B; and C = A; then A + B / 2 = C...like uber logic. It's killing me because the conclusion, being what I have done are always the same, but the problem to me are different. I feel wrong for saying this to her, and wronger still for actually believing it myself...that the Act of the Infedelity was symptom of what was wrong with our marriage, but I don't want to take away from my blame and responsiblity in making those most horrible decisions...does anyone understand...?
Cory LC
*Sorry for the grammar and mispelling...emotional...Its hard putting yourself out there for the world to see, I had to rush it before my courage ran out. Thanks for understanding!*
The back story is: I am the husband, I am 26 and in the military stationed overseas (not deployed) and my wife, my wife is 28. We met post deployment in the states and stayed together for 4-5 months starting Jan 2009 and left each other after a heart felt trip to the Puerto Rico. In PR we discussed our future and knew we were in budding love and that we wanted to pursue it. I left for Europe and didn't see her for 4-5 months. She came in for a weekend and left again. I had knee surgery in Nov 09, and she came for that...in March of 10 we were married. A month after being married, she moved to Europe. Subsequently, she has left to go home 3 times, 2 of which she wanted and the last because I am getting out in the spring and wanted her to go home and work so we would have income after I get out of the service. Currently she is back again to work on our marriage with me. Now after apx 1/12 years of marriage I have cheated on her with one girl and prior to being married I cheated on her with 2.
Since her moving here after getting married in March of 2010; she found out about the 2 women before from an ambiguous text on my phone. Nothing she could confirm and I was selfish enough to lie about it. Her gut told her I had done this terrible thing and we argued endlessly about it for what seems like day in and day out. I tried to make her feel like she was ruining out marriage out of a misplaced hunch. For so long I lied and covered and lied. The more I lied, in hindsight, the further I pushed her away. I wont get into all the particulars now...just the generalities. We finally hit a emotionally decent patch this last summer, meaning she wasn't flipping out about the suspected girls and I started a 3rd. To clarify, I cut the two off and one of those two was a weekend fling. The 3rd was a confidant. When the wife left, she was a friend...I trusted her and talked to her about everything my wife didn't have time or was--as I foolishly thought--to emotionally weak to handle. When the wife left the last time, I don't know how or why it turned sexual but it did. I broke that off in late July and went to see her for a month in Aug. I came clean about the 2 OW while we were courting. WoW!! is the response, she flipped out so hardcore. We had exchanged verbal...'I am divorcing you's...' but after some talking we decided to try to work it out. She decided to come back to Germany in Sep and arrived in Oct. That is when after some digging she found out about the 3rd.
Where we stand know is we both want our marriage to work. I had been looking for the better part of 72 hours for information like that, that is provided here. I read everything on this site 2 and printed it out to take home and go over with the wife.
I know it is trying, extremely for her and for me...and I felt so completely and utterly guilty and I felt like there was no good place to start to mend, or even if it was too early to begin to mend. I feel guilty, but even before reading this--when me and the wife had our immediate post finding out tuffs--I realize and told her that I was ANGRY, so angry for various reasons I will get into as this thread progresses. I explain to her that I can't explain all her ?'s...I felt her wanting to be a world class detective wasn't helping. I have come to learn so much in these last days from you all and the Dr. (of which I am gracious) But she just kept on insisting that emotions have or had nothing to do with it. I know its no excuse--there is no excuse. I made the decision, but I believe that we have to work on the whole marriage and not just the symptoms.
I am writing because I have a woman I love, whom I betrayed thrice. That I love and that I want to love me, which she does...But I want to mend. I want to survive it...I want so badly to be better then I am. We need the whole marriage to work. I feel if I appease her with whatever she wants to do, say or act because of the situation I put us in, in the end I will be full of resentment towards her just when she starts to come from under the cloud I have cast on us. I am scared and confused, but I know I don't deserve the chance we have, but I will damn well not give up. I can't, I won't...do it make sense.
The last point for this first thread of many to come I am sure is: I put this on here, know I am the antagonist but I know her and I think totally different. Its as backwards as it comes, I put alot of emotional emphasis on my decisions, not to be confused with the day to day feelings. She is purely logical. She doesn't consider the emotional side when drawing her conclusion. Pure logic, if A = B; and C = A; then A + B / 2 = C...like uber logic. It's killing me because the conclusion, being what I have done are always the same, but the problem to me are different. I feel wrong for saying this to her, and wronger still for actually believing it myself...that the Act of the Infedelity was symptom of what was wrong with our marriage, but I don't want to take away from my blame and responsiblity in making those most horrible decisions...does anyone understand...?
Cory LC
*Sorry for the grammar and mispelling...emotional...Its hard putting yourself out there for the world to see, I had to rush it before my courage ran out. Thanks for understanding!*