Dealing with my husband's one night stand - 11/25/11 10:21 PM
My husband was away working on his Masters for one month while I stayed home, with our 6 year old. I was also very pregnant. We talked on Skype almost every night and he shared that he was very stressed and often there was a lot of tension in our conversations because I wanted to talk longer and he needed to study. After he returned home we went on a 3-day vacation just so I could get out of the house and we could have some family time. He seemed a little distant. Upon our return home he sat down beside me and told me that he really messed up while he was away and told me that he had a one-night stand with a woman in his class. Apparently he spoke to her the next day and told her that what he did was a huge mistake. He has apologized and tells me it is the worst mistake of his life and wants to stay together. Of course we now have two kids and the thought of whether he is with me b/c he wants to be with his kids or b/c it's the right thing crosses my mind but he insists that, kids aside, he wants to be with [i]me[/i]. I have given him another chance and we are working together to mend our marriage, but I am still so hurt and angry by what happened and can't seem to get over it. This was a one night stand, not long-term but it's still so painful.
It's been 4 months now since I found out. Sometimes I feel like I am going backwards. For the first few days I was crying all the time and he would hold me and sometimes cry with me. His family knows about this but I never told my family although we are extremely close, I think i didn't want to worry them and I didn't want them to think differently of my husband. Anyway, I thought I was handling things really well at first and now time has passed and I seem to be having what I call a "relapse". Maybe it's because he is moving on and doesn't coddle me as much, I don't know.
I am just so irritated and angry by what happened. I obsess on details and want to know specifics. My husband feels it's counter productive for me to know all the details. This leads to my first question: Is it better not to know, or to just have my questions answered so I stop wondering about it? And, why now is this all coming to a head?
This has totally affected my self-esteem and I constantly feel like I am comparing myself to this woman I don't even know. After he told me, I asked to see a picture of her so he showed me on FaceBook (they aren't "friends" and never were but he was able to find a picture through a mutual friend) and of course she is pretty and has a much nicer body than mine. I picture them having very passionate sex, which we don't have like that, although my husband tells me that he prefers what we have. My husband is not a romantic and he doesn't flirt with me and doesn't seem to really like it when I flirt with him; I get upset because obviously for him to have had sex with another woman, there must have been flirting. He doesn't want me to take things so personally and he doesn't want me to constantly compare everything to the one incident, however, because of this mistake, I feel like I analyze and scrutinize over everything. We are on the mend and doing better. We are also doing Marriage Builders Workshop~ His Needs Her Needs (although it's been a few weeks and, yes, it makes me mad that he was so gung-ho, but now is starting to slack on it). I worry that we start off strong, but things will just go back to the way they were.
I'm such a mess! I am getting angry with myself. I am now worried that I may end up being the one to jeopardize this relationship if I am not careful because although I am REALLY trying, I can't seem to get over this. I have my good days and my bad days. Is this normal? How long will these feelings last b/c I need to move on I think? Why after 4 months do I feel like I am getting worse? Should I tell my family (if I did it right when it happened it would be one thing but at this point I think my husband will feel like I am doing it to spite him because we have come so far and he worries that my family will be upset and that we will just be going backwards (although he is clear that it is my decision). Back to my first question, is it bad (and/or normal) to want to know all the intimate details and should I?
It's been 4 months now since I found out. Sometimes I feel like I am going backwards. For the first few days I was crying all the time and he would hold me and sometimes cry with me. His family knows about this but I never told my family although we are extremely close, I think i didn't want to worry them and I didn't want them to think differently of my husband. Anyway, I thought I was handling things really well at first and now time has passed and I seem to be having what I call a "relapse". Maybe it's because he is moving on and doesn't coddle me as much, I don't know.
I am just so irritated and angry by what happened. I obsess on details and want to know specifics. My husband feels it's counter productive for me to know all the details. This leads to my first question: Is it better not to know, or to just have my questions answered so I stop wondering about it? And, why now is this all coming to a head?
This has totally affected my self-esteem and I constantly feel like I am comparing myself to this woman I don't even know. After he told me, I asked to see a picture of her so he showed me on FaceBook (they aren't "friends" and never were but he was able to find a picture through a mutual friend) and of course she is pretty and has a much nicer body than mine. I picture them having very passionate sex, which we don't have like that, although my husband tells me that he prefers what we have. My husband is not a romantic and he doesn't flirt with me and doesn't seem to really like it when I flirt with him; I get upset because obviously for him to have had sex with another woman, there must have been flirting. He doesn't want me to take things so personally and he doesn't want me to constantly compare everything to the one incident, however, because of this mistake, I feel like I analyze and scrutinize over everything. We are on the mend and doing better. We are also doing Marriage Builders Workshop~ His Needs Her Needs (although it's been a few weeks and, yes, it makes me mad that he was so gung-ho, but now is starting to slack on it). I worry that we start off strong, but things will just go back to the way they were.
I'm such a mess! I am getting angry with myself. I am now worried that I may end up being the one to jeopardize this relationship if I am not careful because although I am REALLY trying, I can't seem to get over this. I have my good days and my bad days. Is this normal? How long will these feelings last b/c I need to move on I think? Why after 4 months do I feel like I am getting worse? Should I tell my family (if I did it right when it happened it would be one thing but at this point I think my husband will feel like I am doing it to spite him because we have come so far and he worries that my family will be upset and that we will just be going backwards (although he is clear that it is my decision). Back to my first question, is it bad (and/or normal) to want to know all the intimate details and should I?