Donald,
I think the # 1 thing that keeps a BS from spying on their suspected WS is they don't want to look like some crazy psycho or over jealous spouse. They especially fear they will find nothing and end up looking like they are crazy. A close second is deep down they don't want to know the truth, at least that is how I felt about it. You have to get over that and protect yourself with the truth!
I agree with this. I would add that a 3rd reason why some BSs don't snoop and investigate is simple naivety. They "trust" their WSs too much. [Total trust sounds like the ideal but it is actually very dangerous to a marriage, as Dr. H states. It leads to complacency and failure to recognize that ANYONE (no matter how "good" and "loyal" they were or seem) is CAPABLE of having an affair if he/she fails to defend appropriate boundaries and rationalizes away why this is "ok"...usually with some self-entitled blather about how their marriage/spouse isn't what they wanted or expected.] They overlook warning signs of secrecy, deception, and emotional distance because they are convinced that he/she "would never do something like that". The strange thing is that we seem to see way more BHs than BWs here get timid and cold feet when it comes to the all important steps of INVESTIGATING & EXPOSING. BHs (myself included) get cowed and bury their head in the sand way too much and later pay the price for passively believing a woman that isn't worthy of being believed.
This doesn't seem to be the case with Donald fortunately as he has noticed warning signals and is suspicious. But he must ACT and FOLLOW THE PLAN.
I don't know your whole situation, but a person who leaves town on business is one who is most capable of checking up on their spouse.
Agreed. The workplace is the most common site of affairs and where they begin and the most common source of the OM/OW. Travelling out-of-town on business trips only makes it easier for the affair partners to carry on their dirt in secret.
I would only recommend this if you are capable of keeping a cool head if you find out the worst, you must assume you will and plan in your head how you will react (don't want to end up in jail).
My suggestion, if you don't want to hire a PI, is take a vacation for the normal length of time you would spend out of town, or a portion of that and do the came home early thing. Lie to your W and tell her you have a business trip. Keep it at the norm, if she normally knows a week ahead then tell her a week ahead. You want her to be able to make plans with her other man. If you can access her phone records, you will see the day you tell her of the trip there will be texts or calls to him.
Rent a hotel where your W would never find you, get a rental car and do your own investigation. Take a camera and get some good pics. The cool thing is, even if you loose track of her, you can call just to check up and ask what she is doing, if she is spewing lies you will know.
Good luck
Donald, the only way you are gonna "be thrown in jail" is if you react with physical violence. Don't do that obviously. As far as I know there is nothing illegal whatsoever with altering and tracking property of the marriage (cellphone, laptop, vehicle). The software and spy devices are sold openly in stores and online. The beauty of hiring a PI is that he can do all this for you professionally as well as conduct physical surveillance with far less chance of being recognized than you would have. There are many great do-it-yourself suggestions in this thread and in the
Operation Investigate forum, but I strongly advise BHs here to HIRE A PI unless it is absolutely beyond their means to do so.
The cost is a pittance compared to the cost--both emotional and financial--of a continuing uninterrupted affair that usually leads to divorce. Having a packet of undeniable documentation from a professional investigator will make nuclear exposure (your BEST weapon to break the affair) to friends, family, workplace, and OM's side all the more easy and authoritative.
Years ago, I was warned and advised to take this route by a friend but chose not to for I now know were stupid reasons (fear of 'rocking the boat', fear of 'violating trust', naivety in not wanting to believe an affair would 'ever happen to us', etc).
I was my biggest regret and I would hate to see any other BH make the same mistake and be taken advantage of bu a gaslighting, scapegoating, lying WW.