Forgiven? Not yet! - 12/20/11 02:37 AM
(I considered tacking this onto my �story� thread, because it really is more auto-analytical than incisively brilliant, as I was a more studied practitioner of the described process than I�d like to remember. I engaged in this form of retribution off-and-on for probably six months, completely ending just about this pre-Holiday time.)
It seems every time a newly-betrayed spouse (or, usually more accurately, a newly-aware betrayed spouse) starts a thread on the SAA board, within the first three posts we will read: �I�ve forgiven him, but I still find myself�.�, or �Even though I�ve forgiven her, there are times when I��.� and the following words describe fears, hurts, angers, doubts, resentments, estrangements, isolations, etc, that are preventing the BS from approaching the WS in the ways that will be necessary to effect recovery and revitalizing a new, stronger marital relationship. In the most self-contradictory of statements, occasionally we get: �I have forgiven my WS, but am not yet certain I will stay in the marriage.�
This situation is so pervasive that it might be of value to explore what the dynamics are that create the apparent disparity.
First, what is it to �forgive�? In the strictest sense it means to decline to take action in response to a negative action of another. In the classic example, if a person who owed you money could/would not repay the debt, you might decline to pursue legal remedies, as not being worth the effort. In effect you would �forgive� the debt. It does not imply that you would be reconciled to the damage done you by the debtor, and are pleased with the situation. It only refers to your non-action to avenge yourself on that person.
So the BS has been injured by the cheating actions of the WS. In today�s culture what acceptable actions are open to the BS?
Sadly (IMHO) physical beating of the WS is pass�, as is exacting mortal retribution against the AP. (Hold your vitriol; I�m probably just kidding.) Even such civilized exercises as locking the WS out of the house are unadvisable, as likely to result in criminal problems for the BS.
Apparently the only remaining options are to take action to dissolve (divorce) or interrupt (separation) the marriage. In many cases this not only seems to be, but is, an extreme decision, and if children are involved, and support for them (among other things like house/rent payments) requires the contributions of the spouses, splitting up and dispersing the financial contributions of the partners is not feasible. This is made more certain if the affair at issue was the first (known) instance of infidelity on the part of the WS.
So corporal revenge is outlawed, and legal action often appears likely to worsen the situation for the family unit. Therefore the BS has no recourse, right?
No, the BS has a path of revenge that most (all?) are not aware of, yet apparently all instinctively know to make use of, if necessary: the continuation of the mental anguish upon themselves primarily, but in full view of, and shared pain for, the WS.
This is their �freebie�. No one observing the ongoing mental/emotional agonies of the BS would heartlessly diagnose the situation as that of the BS �sticking it� to the WS. Certainly the WS has NO option open to say, �Are you still sad/angry/nervous over what I did a year ago?�
This manifestation does have some benefits however. Firstly, the �burr� beneath the BS�s saddle providentially caused them to seek out this site. Here is where can be found the actions that can truly (as opposed to �conveniently�) lead to actual forgiveness. The MB practices, if instilled into the actions of both spouses, will generate the repairs to the rupture(s). There is, after all, the concept of JC, although in practice this is devilishly hard to implement.
Some BSs though, cannot easily break free of the �comfort� of ongoing angst. The vets here are more and more finding it appropriate (and Jim_Flint started a whole thread addressing the subject) to use the approach to the evidently still-bleeding BSs of pointedly stating, �Okay, your WS did all that and more during the affair. Neither of you can change what happened a year ago. Now, how is your WS behaving today? If your WS is transparent in all things, is working to satisfy your ENs, has participated in the recommended UA time and been both open and radically honest with you, that is all you can expect right now. Do not look for trouble � any that might exist will find you soon enough.� Effectively they are asking the BS to consider formalizing (if only mentally) the act of forgiveness, and to move on to greater marital accomplishments.
I�m not sure what is immediately to be done with this hypothesis, except to consider responding to the next tyro who starts off, �I have forgiven my WS, but��� by answering �No, you have not forgiven the WS. Work faithfully with us here and we�ll show you how you can, however.�
It seems every time a newly-betrayed spouse (or, usually more accurately, a newly-aware betrayed spouse) starts a thread on the SAA board, within the first three posts we will read: �I�ve forgiven him, but I still find myself�.�, or �Even though I�ve forgiven her, there are times when I��.� and the following words describe fears, hurts, angers, doubts, resentments, estrangements, isolations, etc, that are preventing the BS from approaching the WS in the ways that will be necessary to effect recovery and revitalizing a new, stronger marital relationship. In the most self-contradictory of statements, occasionally we get: �I have forgiven my WS, but am not yet certain I will stay in the marriage.�
This situation is so pervasive that it might be of value to explore what the dynamics are that create the apparent disparity.
First, what is it to �forgive�? In the strictest sense it means to decline to take action in response to a negative action of another. In the classic example, if a person who owed you money could/would not repay the debt, you might decline to pursue legal remedies, as not being worth the effort. In effect you would �forgive� the debt. It does not imply that you would be reconciled to the damage done you by the debtor, and are pleased with the situation. It only refers to your non-action to avenge yourself on that person.
So the BS has been injured by the cheating actions of the WS. In today�s culture what acceptable actions are open to the BS?
Sadly (IMHO) physical beating of the WS is pass�, as is exacting mortal retribution against the AP. (Hold your vitriol; I�m probably just kidding.) Even such civilized exercises as locking the WS out of the house are unadvisable, as likely to result in criminal problems for the BS.
Apparently the only remaining options are to take action to dissolve (divorce) or interrupt (separation) the marriage. In many cases this not only seems to be, but is, an extreme decision, and if children are involved, and support for them (among other things like house/rent payments) requires the contributions of the spouses, splitting up and dispersing the financial contributions of the partners is not feasible. This is made more certain if the affair at issue was the first (known) instance of infidelity on the part of the WS.
So corporal revenge is outlawed, and legal action often appears likely to worsen the situation for the family unit. Therefore the BS has no recourse, right?
No, the BS has a path of revenge that most (all?) are not aware of, yet apparently all instinctively know to make use of, if necessary: the continuation of the mental anguish upon themselves primarily, but in full view of, and shared pain for, the WS.
This is their �freebie�. No one observing the ongoing mental/emotional agonies of the BS would heartlessly diagnose the situation as that of the BS �sticking it� to the WS. Certainly the WS has NO option open to say, �Are you still sad/angry/nervous over what I did a year ago?�
This manifestation does have some benefits however. Firstly, the �burr� beneath the BS�s saddle providentially caused them to seek out this site. Here is where can be found the actions that can truly (as opposed to �conveniently�) lead to actual forgiveness. The MB practices, if instilled into the actions of both spouses, will generate the repairs to the rupture(s). There is, after all, the concept of JC, although in practice this is devilishly hard to implement.
Some BSs though, cannot easily break free of the �comfort� of ongoing angst. The vets here are more and more finding it appropriate (and Jim_Flint started a whole thread addressing the subject) to use the approach to the evidently still-bleeding BSs of pointedly stating, �Okay, your WS did all that and more during the affair. Neither of you can change what happened a year ago. Now, how is your WS behaving today? If your WS is transparent in all things, is working to satisfy your ENs, has participated in the recommended UA time and been both open and radically honest with you, that is all you can expect right now. Do not look for trouble � any that might exist will find you soon enough.� Effectively they are asking the BS to consider formalizing (if only mentally) the act of forgiveness, and to move on to greater marital accomplishments.
I�m not sure what is immediately to be done with this hypothesis, except to consider responding to the next tyro who starts off, �I have forgiven my WS, but��� by answering �No, you have not forgiven the WS. Work faithfully with us here and we�ll show you how you can, however.�