I am a newly betrayed Spouse and finding it hard to come to terms with the betrayal, the guy is an old boyfriend of my wife's from 10 years ago, she says that she loves him as well as me and will not give him up.
She wants to spend weekends with him and constantly texts and calls him on the phone, not sure what to do at this stage as I love my wife very much and do not want to loose her despite her infedility.
She get angry when I suggest giving him up, I have also spoken to him telling him to back off but to no avail.

I need guidance and help please

Hi Terry,
You need to notify the moderators to move your post to Surviving an Affair. You'll get a lot more responses there.

I'm sorry for your circumstances, but welcome to Marriage Builders.

Bump for terry2182

Terry, welcome to the Infidelity Board, a place where no one really wants to be but where you can find a lot of help.

Have you read the materials here, Terry? You need to first read the sections on exposure, and then expose the affair. Exposure of the affair is a critical first step in ending it. A lot of what you read here may seem counterintuitive at first, but please follow the instructions you get.

One key note, Terry, is that you cannot be afraid to do what needs to be done to end the affair and start to Plan A. Too many guys come here seemingly shaking in their boots and by being afraid to fight for their marriage and family end up losing it.

So with that, is this other guy married? Where does he live, and how does your wife spend weekends with him? Give us more information so that we can help you.

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? If she refuses No Contact with him then it is time to see an attorney to understand your options. A marriage is between two people and not three. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Your wife is a cake eater who wants to keep you her husband and lover on the side. This is unacceptable. My guess is that if she had known that having an affair would have led to an immediate divorce she may not have done this. It sounds like she thinks she can manipulate you to her advantage. The bottom line is this:
1. Get tested for STD's.
2. See an attorney for your options.
3. Draw a line in the sand. If she wants her lover then she cannot have you.
4. See if her lover is married or has a girlfriend. You need to expose this to them.
5. Most of all expose her affair to all of the significant people in her life. They must be consequences to her actions.
6. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

So sorry you find yourself in this place. This is a really helpful forum with a PLAN.

First, read this link for Newly Betrayed Spouses. Thread for Newly Betrayed Spouses

At this point, keep in mind that your wife is what we call an "alien." In her adulterous mind, she will make very illogical and selfish choices. They will make sense to her but not to anyone else.

Exposure is a powerful weapon, so get your list ready. It needs to be done in one tsunami wave with no warning at all. Meanwhile, Dr. Harley recommends Plan A, which is being a wonderful husband, meeting all the needs your wife will allow you to meet.

When exposure hits, your wife will be very angry and say all kinds of crazy things, threatening to leave you. This is all very typical.

Another place to start reading are all the articles on this website. Watch this video:
Here

More people will be along soon to help. We know your pain and shock. This is really the best place to

T2-
Stinks that you are here.

You must let the guy's wife know immediately about the affair, if there is a wife.

You must go onto the bookstore here and order Surviving an Affair and read it. And read the stuff on here while they ship you the books.

You'll learn a lot about your wife and yourself while reading the book. You'll learn you can save your marriage. But, theres a process to be followed.

Before your next post, you need to contact his wife or girlfriend, your wife's parents and siblings, and friends. This is a good one considering your wife and OM may have common friends. This is to inform them of the affair, your desire to save your marriage, and their help in getting her to stop being a moron. Females friends will shun her if they are real friends. They will fear their husbands could be next.

Most of us that come here love our wives and want to save our marriages otherwise, why bother coming here to lament? Let me say this, however, man-up bro! You will give the Marriage Builders techniques all the effort they require and you will know you've done all you can. If she wants a predator as her full time guy, a guy willing to bang another's wife, a guy ready to break up a family, if shes that blind after going through the MB steps, she deserves him.

The first part of the MB program requires a steely steadfastness not a wormy girly man. So toughen up.

Many a wandering spouse have come thru the fog to see their lives flashing before their eyes as their betrayed spouses puts the MB stuff to work.

You need Plan A...pronto. Plan A does NOT work without exposure.

Please read the below threads:

Exposure 101

Carrot & Stick of Plan A