Marriage Builders
Posted By: RecoveryLady I ruined my life - 12/30/11 09:56 AM
Hello everyone I've been lurking here a long time but i finally decided to post my story here in the hopes of getting some help i hope I'm posting in the right place. My STBXBH and I have been married for 15 years we have always had a close and loving relationship and from the day i met him i knew he was the love of my life but I'm sad to say i made a foolish and reckless decision to engage in an affair with my husband's best friend. It all started when i began to approach 40 i felt like i was getting old i started to think to myself that no one found me attractive that i was just another over the hill mom and that no one would ever desire me again that i was just some old fossil. I began to think that if i could just have a "little fun" on the side that everything would be all right again no one would get hurt That as long as i provided a home for my husband cared for him and my children that it would be okay to have one little "indiscretion" (i don't think this way anymore I'm just trying to give you a sense of how i was thinking then) I thought to myself "hey as long as he never finds out he never gets hurt" boy was i wrong. So when the opportunity presented itself to have a fling i jumped at it my husband's best friend at the time (they have known each other since they were 5) approached me at a party one night and started flirting with me He has done this in the past but usually was harmless and my husband was okay with it (actually thought it was funny) we were both drinking that night and all those thoughts mentioned above flooded through my head and that's when i made the worst mistake of my life i leaned in and kissed him and he kissed back then he whispered into my ear follow me and we slipped off to the bedroom and had sex right there in my friends spare room my husband blissfully unaware. and this kicked off a six-month long affair We would meet on my lunch break at hotels across town it was wonderful for a short time but i have to admit the guilt got me almost right away but i actively suppressed it.

For the first six months of the affair (and this is something I'm not proud to admit) i loved it the secrecy the high of not getting caught of knowing you're doing something wrong and getting away with it turned me on a great deal but at the same time knowing i was betraying my husband was tearing me up inside and i knew it had to end. I became certain of this at around 5 months into the affair when i realized i was pregnant. AP and i had always used protection except for the first time we had sex so i was positive it was my husband's but knew i had to end the affair otherwise i would put my future child's happiness in danger. So after a couple weeks of avoiding the OM i finally told him it had to end and that's when he confessed to me that he was in love with me and asked me to leave my husband for him and when i told him absolutely not and that the affair was over he became enraged telling me that i can't leave him and that if i try he will tell my husband everything. I was terrified i knew if my husband ever found out he would leave me i begged him not to do it he said he wouldn't as long as I keep having sex with him so we came to an agreement where we would meet once a week and have sex and he would not tell my husband (I know what you all are thinking what a wh*!e she is and you're right) So this went on for over a year with me letting him know all along the way that i did not love him and did not want to be with him and him getting angrier and more frustrated until one day when i finally stood up and called his bluff and said to him "I can't stop you from telling my husband but i will not continue to betray him" and so for the most part it ended he would still occasionally e-mail me professing his love to me but i would ignore it. So for the most part life went back to normal that is until 7 months later.

I'll never forget the day i just finished washing dishes things were finally starting to get back to normal i thought i had put this whole ordeal behind me. And that's when my husband came up to me with my phone in hand and asked me what was going on with OM i froze for a few seconds and then said nothing why do you ask. This really made him mad and he looked at me and said i have read the texts are you having an affair with OM i started to panic i screamed how could you accuse me of such a thing (realizing even as i said it that i was busted and a real b!t(h for even saying that to him) this led to more arguing until he finally stormed out of the house and i collapsed in the ball of tears. while i was at home bawling like a child my husband went and confronted the OM and OM told him everything apparently the confrontation ended with my husband beating the living daylights out of the OM. My husband came back home a few hours later and proceeded to rip into me (richly deserved FYI) and demanding i tell him everything. Realizing that he knew everything i proceeded to tell and i will never forget the look on his face when i did. After i was finished he looked like he was about the throw up i went to hug him crying and screaming how sorry i was but he just pushed me away and left. I did not see him for two weeks and when he returned he demanded a divorce and moved out immediately also he tells me that he's going to get a DNA test on youngest and is convinced that I'm lying and that she is not his (I did not believe at the time that she was OM and told him as much) I begged him not to divorce me that it was just a mistake and how sorry i am How all i want to do is spend the rest my life making it up to him. He says not to bother with words that I've shown myself to be a selfish and evil person and undeserving of his love. A few more weeks go by and then he contacts and tells me that that the results are back and that my youngest is not biologically his and that he has filed for divorce. I'm heartbroken my whole world has collapsed and i have no one to blame but myself i Sank into a huge depression i couldn't eat sleep work my hands would shake constantly and I was barely aware of the world around me. Eventually i had to be hospitalized for having a nervous breakdown and have been on antidepressants and seeing a psychiatrist three times a week since then.

I don't know why (my husband says cause he wasn't ready to give up on us yet) But i got my husband to come back home and attempt reconciliation. We even went on a trip together and i thought we had a wonderful time we were following the marriage builders principles we are having lots of UA time together and were slowly beginning to work on the issues of trust and dishonesty that he felt towards me (rightly so) so that we could get back what we once had. I thought things were going well until out of the blue my husband comes to me and tells me that it's just not working and that he needs to leave again and this time he won't be coming back. I begged him to stay i got on my hands and knees but he would not budge he said there was nothing left and that it's time to move on. So he packed up all this things told the girls that he was leaving again told the family called his lawyer got the divorce papers refiled And got it all in less than a month (he is truly brilliant when he puts his mind to something) So this is where i stand as of now desperately in love with the man who can't stand the sight of me who recoils at my very touch he says he forgives me and that we can be friends one day but he can't even be in a room with me for more than 10 min and it breaks my heart and that's why i need your help how i get him to come back I'm not ready for a life without him i miss him every day i have tried to use the marriage builders principles but how do i apply them if he's not living with me please please help me thank you for reading.



PS I apologize If there are any grammar mistakes or if I ramble too much I haven't got much sleep lately as you can gather I have a lot on my mind. Going to try to get some sleep now And I will read what are surely your very helpful posts tomorrow thanks in advance for your help.

PPS I don't know if Better off posting in the surviving an affair section if i am i will post there instead once again thanks for reading my know it was long.


Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 12/30/11 12:14 PM
Welcome to MB. I am sorry that your marriage has broken down under these circumstances.

I think your BH posts here under the name of oldmittens - is that correct?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 12/30/11 12:40 PM
I see that you had a breakdown and were hospitalised when your H first left after the affair. I am sorry to hear that. Are you under the care of a doctor today? Are you taking any anti-depressants, or receiving any other kind of follow-up care? Are you managing to care for your three children?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 12/30/11 01:05 PM
lady,

I can see from what both you and your BH have written that you have worked hard to try and rebuild your marriage. Your H describes you as a model of remorse and effort. He has no doubts about your genuine sorrow over what you have done. He knows that you are sincere in your wish to reconcile.

I think that, given that he has moved out again, the only thing you can try and do is meet those emotional needs that he will let you meet while you are separated.

However, there is no way of knowing whether this will bring him back. There is no formula that you can apply that will work to achieve this. It might just be that the two years of deception will be too much for him to overcome (even more so that the OC, who he seems to love and be willing to continue being her father).

If you are going to give the best attempt possible at meeting his ENs, you must make sure that you regain your mental health and show that you are taking good care of your children. You will not be attractive to him if you present a picture of yourself as mentally fragile and in pieces. He did go back to you before after your breakdown, mainly, it seems, because of pressure put on him by your families, but the feelings of responsibility were not enough to keep him there. I don't think it is helping for you to come across to him as pitiful.

I know that there is much more to regaining mental stability than "pulling yourself together", and that is why I asked about the care you have been receiving since the breakdown and your BH's recent departure.

How are you coping with caring for the children, your home and yourself today? Are you able to look after your youngest, talk to the older girls, and keep your home well run, clean and tidy?

Do you have contact of any kind with OM? Has he tried to contact yo since your H found out about the affair - and beat him up? Does he show signs of suspecting that he is the bio father of your youngest?
Posted By: My4Loves Re: I ruined my life - 12/30/11 01:38 PM
Please read this thread. Wulfpuck_girls thread
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 12/30/11 05:49 PM
I must agree with your thread title.
You've ruined your life.
You've ruined several lives.

People ~~~ THIS is why adultery is a sin. It ruins lives/souls/children/families/dignity/goodness ..... etc etc etc.
Sin always feels good. At first.


Quote
that's why i need your help how i get him to come back I'm not ready for a life without him i miss him every day i have tried to use the marriage builders principles but how do i apply them if he's not living with me please please help me thank you for reading.

Your question is worded in a very selfish way. Did you notice?
But, anyway, let's discuss what options you do have. OK?

Let's remain practical and try to avoid excessive sentimentalization as you develop a plan of action.

1. There are no guarantees that anything you do will revive your dead marriage.
If you only want a 'sure thing' I'm certain any plan will fail.
You go into this committed to doing your best, regardless of the outcome .... which you cannot control.

2. Avoid lovebusters. Sounds simple. Not so simple to put into practice when a person is very upset, as you are. No more begging/crying/pleading/sobbing/sad face/etc etc etc. All of that, ALL of that, will appear manipulative to your husband. Control yourself. If you cannot control yourself, leave his presence.
Further breast-beating will not attract your husband back to you. Such activity appears selfish and all about YOU.

3. Behave admirably. Show respect for your husband's decision. Stop trying to 'talk' him out of his decision.

4. Take advantage of the love bank deposits you have power to fulfill. Here is a list of the top ENs.

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Your H will allow you to meet many of these needs even if you are not residing together.
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Even if you eventually divorce, you will never regret doing your best without complaint and without trying to control the outcome.

Control yourself.
If you do not, you have no chance at success.


WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS



Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 12/30/11 06:01 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Here's the truth, RL.
This will not 'turn around' quickly.
If you commit to this, you need to recognize it will take YEARS.
YEARS.

If you are impatient, and you insist upon measuring your husband's responses on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, YOU WILL FAIL.

Understand?
You measure YOUR behavior. No one else's.

Make a commitment to be this amazing woman for several YEARS without a reward. You will get no external cookies for doing the right thing. You reward yourself by knowing you are becoming a woman you admire.
A woman with guts and perseverance.

You got into this pickle by seeking outside validation from OM.

The only way to gain self respect is to consistently behave in ways that you can respect and admire.

Once you respect and admire yourself (based on consistency) your H may just seek you out. Or not.

Like I said, no guarantees here.
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: I ruined my life - 12/30/11 06:05 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Here's the truth, RL.
This will not 'turn around' quickly.
If you commit to this, you need to recognize it will take YEARS.
YEARS.

If you are impatient, and you insist upon measuring your husband's responses on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, YOU WILL FAIL.

Understand?
You measure YOUR behavior. No one else's.

Make a commitment to be this amazing woman for several YEARS without a reward. You will get no external cookies for doing the right thing. You reward yourself by knowing you are becoming a woman you admire.
A woman with guts and perseverance.

You got into this pickle by seeking outside validation from OM.

The only way to gain self respect is to consistently behave in ways that you can respect and admire.

Once you respect and admire yourself (based on consistency) your H may just seek you out. Or not.

Like I said, no guarantees here.

Two very excellent posts Pep. My heart breaks for all involved. Even her. I must be getting soft in my old age.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 12/31/11 03:45 PM
What's up RL?
Any desire to reply to these posters?
Posted By: Bryanp Re: I ruined my life - 12/31/11 04:08 PM
What a very sad story. Why do some people feel the need that they have to sabotage and engage in self-destruction behavior that leads to such chaos?

You sound like you are very remorseful. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your behavior would have been any different from your husband's reaction? I hope that the both of you have been checked for STD's.

I think following Pepperband's advise makes a lot of sense. I think the fact that it was his best friend which made it a double betrayal (having sex with the OM while your husband is in the next room?) and that you got pregnant with the OM's baby would make it a deal breaker for most men. You are still young and still have the potential for turning your life around. I wish you luck.
Posted By: celticvoyager Re: I ruined my life - 01/01/12 02:00 AM
Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Do this without questioning the outcome.
Do this without expectation that he will reciprocate.
Do this without measuring his response.
Do this BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Here's the truth, RL.
This will not 'turn around' quickly.
If you commit to this, you need to recognize it will take YEARS.
YEARS.

If you are impatient, and you insist upon measuring your husband's responses on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, YOU WILL FAIL.

Understand?
You measure YOUR behavior. No one else's.

Make a commitment to be this amazing woman for several YEARS without a reward. You will get no external cookies for doing the right thing. You reward yourself by knowing you are becoming a woman you admire.
A woman with guts and perseverance.

You got into this pickle by seeking outside validation from OM.

The only way to gain self respect is to consistently behave in ways that you can respect and admire.

Once you respect and admire yourself (based on consistency) your H may just seek you out. Or not.

Like I said, no guarantees here.

Two very excellent posts Pep. My heart breaks for all involved. Even her. I must be getting soft in my old age.

I'm in total agreement with the August lady here (smiling woman).

CV
Posted By: akira Re: I ruined my life - 01/01/12 05:22 AM
d
Posted By: Fireproof Re: I ruined my life - 01/01/12 05:39 AM
A reminder to posters to help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts or refrain from posting. The purpose of the forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders, not to share personal philosophies.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/01/12 07:28 AM
Happy new year sorry i took so long to get back. I spent the day yesterday cleaning the house and getting everything organized then i spent most of today getting my personal life in order updating my resume looking for a new job and trying to mend some fences. I phoned my husband's parents today to see if i could talk some sense into them (my husband wasn't the only one shocked at their behavior as of late) nothing much came out of the conversation I think they're more angry at the fact that he wouldn't listen and do what they said then they are about the actual divorce (they are very stubborn and prideful people) later in the day my oldest invited me to come with them and their father to watch the fireworks for New Year's. I said i would love to but only if it was okay with their father so she said she would check and get back to me and he was so i went with them and for the most part had a lovely time. We go to see the fireworks every year we always park on signal Hill to watch them the kids would always run around with sparklers while me and their father would sit on the hood of the car wrapped in a blanket suffice it to say we didn't do that this year but it was still nice and i had the chance to have a conversation with my ex. I won't get into the whole conversation we had but we did touch on a few things but most of it was smalltalk but he did answer a few questions I had and it was nice to spend time with him.



Now I'll answer a few questions

Yes my husband is Oldmittens. when we went to the fireworks i brought it up and he said he doesn't post here anymore that if i want to post here i should feel free and that he doesn't mind if I read his.

Yes i do see a Psychiatrist three times a week and I'm on antidepressants.

My husband and I have a 50-50 joint custody schedule and follow it to the letter with the youngest. As for the older two we try to keep it as liberal as possible my middle child wants to live with her father full-time and I support that 100% while my oldest prefers to be with me most the time and her father is 100% behind that. As far as the logistics we have it one week with me one week with him and we split the holidays on a rotating schedule. As far as my ability to take care of my children yes i will admit that i did suffer from severe depression but i have haven't and never will let it affect my ability to raise my children they come home every day to a hot meal Warm beds and a clean home my children have always come first and always will.

I have started reading Wulfpuck_girls thread and broke down crying while reading it breaks my heart that she's trying so hard to recover her marriage and it doesn't seem to be working i couldn't read the whole thing because frankly it scares me to think that's how my life could turn out and worst of all i have no one to blame but myself.

Lastly someone asked if our roles were reversed what would i have done and frankly i would've been a lot less kinder than he was. Since D-Day he has only really freaked out twice most of the time he's been kind and considerate in going about our separation (one of the first things that attracted me to him was his strong sense of compassion) and if he had started acting the way i did after he left the first time i would've run for the hills and never looked back. But he didn't and that is one of the reasons why I believe he still loves me and that this can be fixed. I know he still loves me and despite actions that state otherwise I'm still madly in love with him but i understand why he left now that he needs space and that he needs to see me becoming strong person again the person he fell in love with in the first place and that's why I'm here i hope over the months and years that i will learn how to be that person again and even if we never get back together again i hope To one day at least be his friend.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/01/12 01:53 PM
How has he been about the OC not being his?

Where did he get the test done? I don't have confidence in mail in internet business'. Also with sometimes mistakes are made maybe the three of you can go to your doctor to have a new test done.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 05:41 AM
He has been great as far as our youngest is concerned he says that she is 100% his in every way that counts and nothing going to change that. As far as the testing companies that he used I'm not sure what their names are but the test does point out that my daughter has different blood type then my STBX that precludes him as the father So we are positive he is not the biological father.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 07:52 AM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
that is one of the reasons why I believe he still loves me and that this can be fixed.

"fixed"?????

rebuilt...maybe but "fixed"???

Odd choice of words.

It also seems to imply one CORRECT solution or that the only "fix" is reconciliation. The "fix" from your husband's position MAY BE be divorce and a safe emotional distance from you. Forgiveness...from afar may be the best you get and accepting whatever outcome/"fix" graciously may be your best shot at anything better than that.

I have no intention towards being harsh (notice I'm still married to a former wayward wife so I KNOW change and recovery are possible) but please choose your words carefully as not only are you in a room full of betrayed spouses but, mostly likely, YOUR betrayed spouse.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - It's unclear did you or did you not know your husband was posting here on MB before you posted? Did he know you knew he was posting here? Does he want us to really help you "fix" your marriage or does he want us to help you get over it and move on more towards acceptance. It's kind of an uncomfortable position for those of us that followed your husband's thread seeing that you were quite obsessive about getting him back for awhile (and still) and then...here you are posting on the same forum he posted on. Please explain and help us out and if, by chance, he still reads here and doesn't want to say anything out in the open...he can email me at my address below.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 01:30 PM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
He has been great as far as our youngest is concerned he says that she is 100% his in every way that counts and nothing going to change that. As far as the testing companies that he used I'm not sure what their names are but the test does point out that my daughter has different blood type then my STBX that precludes him as the father So we are positive he is not the biological father.


A blood type test used for paternity is not worth the money even if the testing company paid you to take the test.

Don't believe me?

How about the United States courts?

Paternity by blood testing is not accepted as evidence. This is why not until DNA testing came about that the law's of presumption regarding paternity are now being challanged.

You need to call your family doc bring down your BH and the "OC" and with all three of you present and have a DNA test done. Also good idea to have all the kids tested to give your BH 100% peace of mind. Do not delay this important recovery step.

Why?

The OC may just be a COM(child of marriage).
Posted By: Kirby Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 02:49 PM
Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
He has been great as far as our youngest is concerned he says that she is 100% his in every way that counts and nothing going to change that. As far as the testing companies that he used I'm not sure what their names are but the test does point out that my daughter has different blood type then my STBX that precludes him as the father So we are positive he is not the biological father.


A blood type test used for paternity is not worth the money even if the testing company paid you to take the test.

Don't believe me?

How about the United States courts?

Paternity by blood testing is not accepted as evidence. This is why not until DNA testing came about that the law's of presumption regarding paternity are now being challanged.

You need to call your family doc bring down your BH and the "OC" and with all three of you present and have a DNA test done. Also good idea to have all the kids tested to give your BH 100% peace of mind. Do not delay this important recovery step.

Why?

The OC may just be a COM(child of marriage).

Yes, DNA testing should be done. However, if RL & her BH both have Type O and the OC has Type A, then the BH cannot possibly be the bio dad. Sometimes it's just that simple.
Posted By: TickyTock Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 02:49 PM
Just to note... all of my kids have my blood type. O. STBXPOSWH has A. The tests are worthless, because O is recessive and A and B are dominant. You could be A and your BH B and your child can have O or A or B or AB. I researched this when STBXPOSWH accused the children of not being his because they were O. They don't use blood type for paternity anymore because it's so unreliable.
Posted By: comedytragedy Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 04:57 PM
I am truly sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you are feeling. I had all the same foggy thoughts that you did. Plus the depression. I understand the "black hole".

Pepperband gives you good advice. Follow it.

Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 05:36 PM
Originally Posted by comedytragedy
I understand the "black hole".

((((( comedytragedy )))))

In a hole? Put down the shovel !
Posted By: comedytragedy Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 05:37 PM
Pep,
I dug myself out already wink
CT
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 05:37 PM
Originally Posted by comedytragedy
Pep,
I dug myself out already wink
CT

kiss
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 01/02/12 06:23 PM
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Just to note... all of my kids have my blood type. O. STBXPOSWH has A. The tests are worthless, because O is recessive and A and B are dominant. You could be A and your BH B and your child can have O or A or B or AB. I researched this when STBXPOSWH accused the children of not being his because they were O. They don't use blood type for paternity anymore because it's so unreliable.
But it's not unreliable at ruling parents OUT. Blood type cannot say that someone IS the parent with a high probability, but it can rule that someone CANNOT be the parent.

If the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, that doesn't necessarily prove that OM definitely IS the parent. Only a DNA test can prove a positive relationship with OM. Of course the courts are not going to declare someone as the parent if there has been no DNA test.

But if the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, then why would a DNA test be necessary for him?

Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 02:25 AM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Just to note... all of my kids have my blood type. O. STBXPOSWH has A. The tests are worthless, because O is recessive and A and B are dominant. You could be A and your BH B and your child can have O or A or B or AB. I researched this when STBXPOSWH accused the children of not being his because they were O. They don't use blood type for paternity anymore because it's so unreliable.
But it's not unreliable at ruling parents OUT. Blood type cannot say that someone IS the parent with a high probability, but it can rule that someone CANNOT be the parent.

If the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, that doesn't necessarily prove that OM definitely IS the parent. Only a DNA test can prove a positive relationship with OM. Of course the courts are not going to declare someone as the parent if there has been no DNA test.

But if the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, then why would a DNA test be necessary for him?
As pointed dominate and recessive blood types are not going prove anything. as the example given where both parents have recessive O the kid has O but neither parent has O because the blood test shows blood type not recessive jeans. So because you want to use blood type in this case the kid is not even an OC or the wife's kid because the wife's blood is not O.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 03:33 AM
Yes, I fully understand that that there are combinations that CAN occur - but there are combinations that CANNOT.

Specific people cannot be proven to be parents by blood tests, but specific people can be proven NOT to be, for certain combinations. The example given is of a combination that CAN occur, not of one that CANNOT.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 04:21 AM
First of all thank you for to everyone who is read and posted your words have not fallen on deaf ears and are very much appreciated.


Looks like i need to set the record straight here the tests we did were DNA tests It's just in addition to such the doctor we used told us that my daughter has a rare blood type and as such it would be highly unlikely but not impossible that she was not my husband so based on that my husband had a DNA test done as well. As far as who we used I'm not sure of the company but I do know he went to the hospital to get it done in Canada it is an out-of-pocket expense but the hospital will do it.

As far as everything else you all said couldn't agree more especially with the "hole" analogy i really do have no one else to blame but myself for the situation I'm in but i do want to get out of it and the whole reason I'm here is to find a way out of it. It's just hard when you know that the whole reason you're in this mess is because of your own stupid selfish actions and all you want to do store yourself A pity parade.

MrWondering You are right "fix" is the wrong word to use all i meant by it though was that i want the opportunity to atone for the bad choices I've made and show my husband the deep love i have for him and even deeper desire to make his pain go away. Also i did know my husband was on the site but i didn't know he was posting i knew he was visiting the site because i was the one who showed it to him when i found it after D-Day (I was pretty desperate i would quote the site often but not truly follow the principles back then) As far as now i know he doesn't use the site he told me i should feel free and that he has no plans to read it he says marriage builders is mostly for people who are trying to save their marriage and since he doesn't want to save his anymore there's no need to come back here.
Posted By: Jim_Flint Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 05:54 AM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
As far as now i know he doesn't use the site he told me i should feel free and that he has no plans to read it he says marriage builders is mostly for people who are trying to save their marriage and since he doesn't want to save his anymore there's no need to come back here.

Rottenlady,

Marriage Builders isn't just for people wanting to save their marriage...

It is for anyone that wants to have a good marriage...

period.

Whether it is with their current spouse...

or not.

Your BH has the right to reconcile with you...

or not.

It is up to him.

And that is what I would tell him.

He cannot lose with Marriage Builders.

Either he learns how to have a terrific marriage with you...

or he heals and someday will have a good marriage with someone else.

What you are asking for is the chance to show him that YOU can be that person.

God bless.

Jim

Posted By: T00MuchCoffeeMan Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 06:39 AM
There were some very cruel words that you told him when he told you he was going to divorce you, weren't there? Words that cut him deep into his soul. I sincerely hope that you have apologized to him for uttering those cruel and hurtful words.

From his postings on another site, it shows that he still cares very much for you and wants you to heal. But please understand, that he needs to heal as well and right now he does not trust you. Your actions are what he uses to gauge your intentions. So please, try to be considerate on how your actions may affect him from now on.

I wish you peace and future happiness. God bless.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 07:35 AM
I do realize how much I've hurt him and that i can never apologize enough for the pain i caused him (though I'm trying)though as of the last few days I've been trying to show my sorrow in more positive ways like trying to get myself together and trying not to be a burden to him. It's hard at times as i miss him and wish you were home with me. The house feels empty without him in it i feel so alone and like such a failure. But i keep telling myself this is the way it has to be he's made his choice to leave and i have to respect his decision i showed him enough disrespect over the last few years and i think one of the best ways to make up for that is show it now and respect his decision.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 07:37 AM
Edit:
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 08:34 AM
RL,

I hope you never do fully realize the pain of betrayal. I hope you never fully understand. You took something that wasn't really yours, and you gave it away, and it can never be returned, never restored.

That's not to say that there isn't some hope, but you have to understand that there will always be an injury, a hole. The hope lies in strengthening everything around that hole so that the injury is no longer a weakness, no longer a hindrance.

It's like shattering a knee - the knee will never be the same, but with proper rehabilitation, LIFE can be BETTER than before the injury.

That rehabilitation plan is found here. Should your husband decide to give it another shot or not, you would BOTH benefit from learning the program.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 02:06 PM
Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
There were some very cruel words that you told him when he told you he was going to divorce you, weren't there? Words that cut him deep into his soul. I sincerely hope that you have apologized to him for uttering those cruel and hurtful words.

From his postings on another site, it shows that he still cares very much for you and wants you to heal. But please understand, that he needs to heal as well and right now he does not trust you. Your actions are what he uses to gauge your intentions. So please, try to be considerate on how your actions may affect him from now on.

I wish you peace and future happiness. God bless.
TMCM, it is silly to post about another site when it is clear that he wants privacy there.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 02:16 PM
Quote
From his postings on another site, it shows that he still cares very much for you and wants you to heal.
Is oldmittens aware that you have posted this here?
Posted By: barbiecat Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 02:35 PM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
I do realize how much I've hurt him and that i can never apologize enough for the pain i caused him (though I'm trying)though as of the last few days I've been trying to show my sorrow in more positive ways like trying to get myself together and trying not to be a burden to him.
Pulling yourself together for your children is about the most unselfish thing you can do right now. Imagine what this has ben like for them.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 02:45 PM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
It's hard at times as i miss him and wish you were home with me. The house feels empty without him
Are you writing this to us or your BS? Maybe I am reading this wrong, this can be interpreted as manipulative.

edit to add; If both spouses are posting on MB, it is advised that they stay off each others threads, anyway.

A lot of WS try that, most find it does not work. You need to take a long look at extraudinary precautions (wich are boundaries you set up within yourself) and work on yourself.

What kinds of things are you doing, reading learning about that are positive for you? How are you working on your own issues?
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 02:51 PM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
Looks like i need to set the record straight here the tests we did were DNA tests It's just in addition to such the doctor we used told us that my daughter has a rare blood type and as such it would be highly unlikely but not impossible that she was not my husband so based on that my husband had a DNA test done as well.



What is confusing is that when a DNA test results are in but the doc had to mention blood type?

DNA tests don't take blood type into account so it makes no sense for the doc to mention it unless the results were close but just missed the mark. And you said your BH went and had the tests done but your wording stated you did not go and did not contribute a sample.

This paternity result does not make sense unless your DNA was not involved as shown: http://www.dnatesting.com/dna-test-questions/why-test-the-mother.php


Posted By: T00MuchCoffeeMan Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 03:39 PM
Not silly SugarCane, but stupid. I should have thought about that in the first place.

My hope is for RL to become a better person for RL's sake not for her stbxh's benefit. Changes done for others don't last and they are often perceived as manipulative.

RL please do not search for your stbxh on another website. As SugarCane pointed out correctly, he needs his privacy - something that I may have compromised through my stupidity.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 04:45 PM
Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
Not silly SugarCane, but stupid. I should have thought about that in the first place.

"Doh" doh2

Hi TMCM
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 04:52 PM
Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
There were some very cruel words that you told him when he told you he was going to divorce you, weren't there? Words that cut him deep into his soul. I sincerely hope that you have apologized to him for uttering those cruel and hurtful words.

Well, RL, I guess someone's gone and tattled on you.

As a reminder, I suggested you avoid ALL love busters.

Here's the list:

Quote
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Remember my admonishment?

CONTROL YOURSELF

Without your self control .... you cannot recover.
Personal and marital recovery both require self control.
Posted By: T00MuchCoffeeMan Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 05:28 PM
Hi Pepper.

Yep DOH! is right. Definitely not one of my most intelligent moments.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 06:04 PM
Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
Definitely not one of my most intelligent moments.

Not enough coffee, maybe? grin
Posted By: T00MuchCoffeeMan Re: I ruined my life - 01/03/12 06:22 PM
More coffee?

grin



Posted By: myd Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 01:28 AM
***EDIT***
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 02:05 AM
***EDIT***
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 10:48 AM
As far as DNA test results Go i do not know the exact specifics as i was not there. I do know he went to do the testing and when he told me he also mentioned that the doc said she has a rare blood type. I don't know if he asked her this or if it was just something incidental that goes along with the testing you have to ask him.As far as "oldmittens" goes (can't believe he actually decided to use that name) he does know that i post here and as far as I'm concerned he's free to look at it but i don't think he will he's not the kind of person he would ask first. But if you are reading this "Oldmittens" know that i will recover from this that it's not your fault you had every right to leave and i will become the person i need to be for you and most importantly our children.

Pepperband you are right i did have a big problem with Love busters especially with disrespectful judgments and unrealistic expectations. Every time my husband would get upset thinking about the affair I would freak out. I would start crying and screaming that he was going to leave me and would use my daughter's as guilt trips saying that he's abandoning them when really he was only leaving me. when he wanted distance or to be alone for a little while i would follow him around the house trying to get him to talk to me (when obviously he wasn't ready for it at that moment) i became needy and clingy calling him constantly while he was at work or out with friends which wasn't often. I would constantly nag at him that he wasn't working on the marriage when in fact i was the one not following any of the guidelines for recovery set forth by the books and other materials we were reading. Not to mention the psycho i became the first time he left. The more i look back on it now the more i understand why he left who would want to be with someone like that a raging lunatic for all intents and purposes someone who was more interested in preserving her own happiness then in easing the pain of her husbands.

But the most important step has already been taken and that is the decision to change. I do not want to be this person anymore i want to be someone my daughters can be proud of a strong female role model. I have to accept that i have already failed them once and that I've hurt their lives deeply but i will make up for it and give them a much better future especially for my youngest who my heart breaks for as she will never know the joys of the family we once had. I'll always open to your criticisms comments and advice i hope to learn from this situation to make myself a better person. I hope you'll take the time to keep up with this thread and to help me out thank you.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 11:37 AM
RL,

I've not posted to you, but I'll tell that you will need to work hard to become the kind of woman your H can respect and love.

The first time my H was unfaithful, about 15 years ago, he immediately fell into a deep depression upon my discovery, after a number of angry outbursts at me. So the first year following the A, I had to find him a psychiatrist and simply do the best I could to support him, get him the meds, etc. It was a horrible year and there was no MB for us, since we didn't know about it. I didn't admire him at all. He was like a zombie for much of the time. A miserable "recovery" and I was very sorry to be "saddled" with such a pathetic creature. That's how I saw him in those days. We "got past" the A and did marriage counseling, for the minimal good we got from it, since it never addressed the conditions leading to the A nor were Extraordinary Precautions presented. Forget about having a better-than-ever marriage. Staying married without too much misery was the goal then.

After D-Day last December, I told him that if he did the whole depression thing like last time, I wasn't planning on staying to deal with his stinking A AND his depression, that he could do that solo. (Yes, I was fed up.)

He said things like you just said in your post--he wanted to change; he didn't want to be that kind of person anymore but to be the kind of man I would love and admire, and that even if I left him, he would not date but to spend the rest of his life pursuing me. (yeah, right, I thought.)

It took this whole year to make the changes so that I could see them; he is exercising daily, losing weight, studying the Bible, studying MB with me and became a better man. Not ONE angry outburst from him all year, despite some pretty tough moments. No dishonesty, no independent behavior, no disrespectful judgments. He learned what my ENs were and just started meeting them. He practiced these habits all year long.

Part of the MB Just Compensation is being a part of building a marriage that is better than it was before the A. That's going to require a great deal of growth and maturity on your part. (as it does for all of us--not just singling you out.)

If you have been working on the MB program, reading the books, you will understand that feelings follow actions. First, we do the actions by seeing what we have to do, then creating the habit of doing those actions, one step at a time. Those habits then are a part of our lives.

Starting with Love Busters, first you would end all selfish demands. Just end them. Read the chapters having to do with the offending habits you have. Read them over and over and start practicing. Use those habits not just with your H, but with others as well. These will help you become a better person. He is not going to admire and respect a woman who is not controlling her emotions.

Even if your H leaves you, he will still be in contact because of the children, let him always see you as a strong and wonderful woman who has changed from the inside out.

Be sure and listen to the daily radio show. It's a great education on MB. You can listen to them from the archives as recent as the previous day or you can click on Rebroadcast.

Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 11:49 AM
Just an FYI: he has already left and filed for divorce.
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 12:32 PM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Just an FYI: he has already left and filed for divorce.

I knew he had left the home; did not pick up on the filing of divorce. Thanks for pointing that out.

Still, becoming a better person is better than not, I think. It might be that H would eventually see her as a viable wife again...someday. And if not, she will be a more balanced, reasonable person in any case, able to make good decisions.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 01:06 PM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
As far as DNA test results Go i do not know the exact specifics as i was not there. I do know he went to do the testing and when he told me he also mentioned that the doc said she has a rare blood type.
sigh

What you have stated means that without your presence when the test was done means that the test was borderline at best and the doc cited the blood type to say most likely the kid is an OC. redflag

The OC's blood type does not have to match your's or your BH's. If you and or your BH carried the recessive gene that would explain the different blood type. Edit to add that blood type tests don't test for recessive blood type genes.

Get your husband the child and you and have new samples from all three of you and do a retest.

There is a chance that BH can be the dad from what you have posted. Not a large chance, but a chance.

Isn't the money worth the chance to save the marraige? rant2

If the test comes back and child is still OC the results can't be any worse then they are now. rant2

You go around saying how bad you want to save your marraige but when given something to do you won't pull the trigger. Some BH can recover an affair without an OC. banghead

You have a chance to remove the straw that broke the camel's back. Yet you won't go to the hardware store and buy a broom and dust pan. banghead rant2 faint
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 01:40 PM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
Pepperband you are right i did have a big problem with Love busters especially with disrespectful judgments and unrealistic expectations. Every time my husband would get upset thinking about the affair I would freak out. I would start crying and screaming that he was going to leave me and would use my daughter's as guilt trips saying that he's abandoning them when really he was only leaving me. when he wanted distance or to be alone for a little while i would follow him around the house trying to get him to talk to me (when obviously he wasn't ready for it at that moment) i became needy and clingy calling him constantly while he was at work or out with friends which wasn't often. I would constantly nag at him that he wasn't working on the marriage when in fact i was the one not following any of the guidelines for recovery set forth by the books and other materials we were reading. Not to mention the psycho i became the first time he left. The more i look back on it now the more i understand why he left who would want to be with someone like that a raging lunatic for all intents and purposes someone who was more interested in preserving her own happiness then in easing the pain of her husbands.

But the most important step has already been taken and that is the decision to change. I do not want to be this person anymore i want to be someone my daughters can be proud of a strong female role model. I have to accept that i have already failed them once and that I've hurt their lives deeply but i will make up for it and give them a much better future especially for my youngest who my heart breaks for as she will never know the joys of the family we once had. I'll always open to your criticisms comments and advice i hope to learn from this situation to make myself a better person. I hope you'll take the time to keep up with this thread and to help me out thank you.

I will do my best to assist you.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 01:45 PM
LongWay, I was picking up on this:

Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Even if your H leaves you,
Your advice is brilliant. I just thought you had missed that he'd left because of the above.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 03:14 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
I will do my best to assist you.

Step one ..... pick a new screen name.
One that goes with RL.
RecoveryLady?

Something less .... drama-queen-esque. dramaqueen
Posted By: T00MuchCoffeeMan Re: I ruined my life - 01/04/12 03:34 PM
RL any changes we try to do for others are bound to fail because they are not real changes to ourselves and appear disingenuous to the people we care the most.

It's like proclaiming to everybody around you that you are going to loose weight so they can be proud of you, yet later on they catch you gorging on sweets and fatty foods and they end up losing trust in you. But if you didn't tell anyone you were going to loose weigh, started exercising, eating right and looking better day by day, then one day your loved ones would inevitably take notice and give you praise for the changes you brought about. See the difference? Your actions would be speaking louder for you than any words possibly could.

Put the emphasis on becoming a better person FOR YOU without broadcasting to those around you. Once those changes become permanent, your loved ones cannot but see you with new, trusting eyes.

I wish you and yours the very best. Take care.
Posted By: myd Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 07:05 AM
Originally Posted by Rottenlady
Yes my husband is Oldmittens. when we went to the fireworks i brought it up and he said he doesn't post here anymore that if i want to post here i should feel free and that he doesn't mind if I read his.

Out of curiousity, have you had a look at his thread on Marriage Builders? Some parts may be painful to read, but it'd be interesting to get your perspective.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 11:05 AM
myd, you sound like someone who reads where her husband posts, who has signed up here in order to take RL to task.

RL, there is no point posting about what your H said on his thread. By all means read the thread if you are interested, but try not to get drawn into discussions on your thread about his account of the past. Concentrate on using MB to save your marriage, if that is at all possible, and to improve yourself for the future.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 11:07 AM
First was a thank you to everyone who's taken the time to post on my thread (Particularly Pepperband Thank you for the new screen name) your advice is much appreciated and quite valuable I'm doing my best to follow it. I get what you guys are saying about any progress and growth I achieve has to be for me and not for anyone else or for the goal of getting my STBXH back. I liked the analogy of Losing weight and you are right i have to do it for myself it's the only way it will work. I was hoping some of you could point me to a few books on dealing with divorce and separation as I'm not sure where to find them. As far as how are things going lately it has been good and bad i have a job interview Monday and it looks very promising i would love to get this job as i feel it would be the start of a new beginning. I have my daughters this week and we went out yesterday and had a spa day spending the whole day getting pampered it was great to see them smiling and laughing and having a good time it's been too long since they've gotten to do that.

I spoke with my STBXH today and asked him about the DNA Test results and what you guys said he will look into it to see if there are any problems and if necessary will get a second test but was quick to remind me that it will not change anything and that we are still getting divorced. On that front he told me he spoke with the lawyer and we have a court date for February 2 all we have to do is show up to the court the judge will ask us Some general questions make sure the agreement is fair and then sign it and we will be divorced. I know it's going to be a hard day but i plan to act with as much grace and dignity as i can. someone also asked if I have read Oldmittens posts and yes i have a couple times over now and the more i read the more i understand how it was my actions that hurt recovery more then anything else especially after the first time he moved out. I also understand more of why he came back but only stayed for a short time and how my actions and the actions of his family led him to have an enormous sense of guilt (a unwarranted sense of guilt) which caused him to return. But that the pain he felt was just too much and moreover the resentment he had towards me and his family for his perceived sense that we forced him to return. I'm only now truly coming to the realization of the hurt and pain he must feel not just for the affair but for the way me and his family reacted. But i made it through today at least here's hoping I'll make it through tomorrow once again thanks for all your advice is greatly appreciated.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 12:55 PM
Quote
Out of curiousity, have you had a look at his thread on Marriage Builders? Some parts may be painful to read, but it'd be interesting to get your perspective.
Why do you feel it would be interesting to get RL's perspective on mitts' thread, myd? I think her current thread is very helpful to her. I'm sure she's read mitts' thread. What are you looking for from her in the way of 'perspective'?

Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 01:53 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
First was a thank you to everyone who's taken the time to post on my thread (Particularly Pepperband Thank you for the new screen name) your advice is much appreciated and quite valuable I'm doing my best to follow it.




I spoke with my STBXH today and asked him about the DNA Test results and what you guys said he will look into it to see if there are any problems and if....

puke


You thank people for advice but you don't do much more then post. rant2


Your BH is mad so of course he's going to say another DNA test won't matter.

Thing is you are given a small window to help turns back the odds some and what action do you take?

You talk, you post, but do you go and get a new test done? banghead

NO banghead
Posted By: T00MuchCoffeeMan Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 03:08 PM
There are not just legal ramifications regarding the paternity of the child but more importantly, psychological ramifications that can affect the well being of the child if she is told, at some future time, that the man she has known as daddy is not biologically her father. A second DNA test may make those ramifications a moot point.
Posted By: kerala Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 03:25 PM
Uh, how exactly is RL supposed to re-do the DNA test without her husband's consent/assistance?

Road, you are fixated on this point to the point of becoming obssessive about it. I'm not sure it's at all helpful to RL right now. She's got a lot of stuff to juggle, including GETTING A JOB, developing more loving habits towards her husband and becoming an all-round more respectable, moral person.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 03:54 PM
RL

When you started your adultery, you shared it with someone, or more than one.
Who was it?
Did you have a friend(s) encouragement?
Who was it?
Tell me about this.
It's part of the "amends" process.

Did you share your adultery with anyone who got angry with you?
Who?
What happened?

Tell me who "knew" when your BH did not.
Part of the process of your personal recovery.



Pep
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 04:09 PM
RL

My "DNA" advice is simple.
This is a POJA decision.
If H is less than enthusiastic, it waits.

All POJA begins .....

"How do you feel about (issue/choice/decision)?"

This is not an emergency decision.
DNA won't stop this divorce.

OK.
Onward to self recovery.......
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 04:43 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Pepperband
I will do my best to assist you.

Step one ..... pick a new screen name.
One that goes with RL.
RecoveryLady?

Something less .... drama-queen-esque. dramaqueen

So glad to see the name change.

I remember when I first came here in 07 I was DisgustedWife. Since I was trying to save my marriage at that time I was encouraged to change my name to one more positive.

Small things do help.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 05:29 PM
Originally Posted by kerala
Uh, how exactly is RL supposed to re-do the DNA test without her husband's consent/assistance?

Road, you are fixated on this point to the point of becoming obssessive about it. I'm not sure it's at all helpful to RL right now. She's got a lot of stuff to juggle, including GETTING A JOB, developing more loving habits towards her husband and becoming an all-round more respectable, moral person.


She has a full plate and it's her fault. Yes she needs to do what you're saying. Though some BH's would recover with an OC, and some won't. She has a shot, from what she has said, that paternity test was not that clear as it appears the doc used blood type to push the result to most likely.

Your're saying she should not take the chance at getting rid of the OC label. If the test is done again with all three present and the BH is not the dad what damage was done the child was already an OC.

But how is it not going to help if the BH is the bio dad.
Posted By: Gamma Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 05:36 PM

The OC or not OC, has a right to know who their biological father is.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 05:40 PM
Originally Posted by TheRoad
But how is it not going to help if the BH is the bio dad.

You may have missed this:

Originally Posted by RL
I spoke with my STBXH today and asked him about the DNA Test results and what you guys said he will look into it to see if there are any problems and if necessary will get a second test but was quick to remind me that it will not change anything and that we are still getting divorced.

The BH is going to look into it.
He says the results will not change the road to divorce.

We wait for BH to make up his mind.

Meanwhile, RL ..... Learning to POJA with your STBXH about issues effecting both of you (and the kids) will be an excellent place to begin new habits.

Avoid making independent decisions about the kids.
Try to POJA as far as BH will allow.

If you like, I will post the POJA guidelines/rules.

Remember .... self control is your new mantra.

Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 05:41 PM
Originally Posted by Gamma
The OC or not OC, has a right to know who their biological father is.

God Bless
Gamma

RL, this too can be POJA'd with your STBXH in the future.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 06:23 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
I was hoping some of you could point me to a few books on dealing with divorce and separation as I'm not sure where to find them.

Call me crazy crazy, I think because you landed on MARRIAGE BUILDERS, you will best be served by implementing what MB concepts will work in your situation.
And, in doing so, you will develop confidence, self discipline, better relationship skills, and eventually peace.

Your situation will improve.
A "How to divorce" guide is not in my wheel-house.



Posted By: Neak Re: I ruined my life - 01/05/12 07:05 PM
When my boys had to go to therapy, there was a copy of a book in the waiting room, "How to Have an Amicable Divorce". Know what I think?

I think most of the people who read it ended up divorced. Probably even amicably.

(Just to acquit our therapist, who was wonderful, the book was placed there by other therapists from the same group.)

Personally, I wouldn't want anything to do with a therapist who would put something like that out in front, the first thing you see when you arrive...the thing that begins to point you in the direction you will be guided.

It's like finding out you have cancer, going in for the first appointment, and finding your doctor's waiting room full of books like, "How to Die with Dignity" and "Surviving the Loss of Your Loved One".

Focus on the positive. Rather than see how bad you can keep from being, see how good you can become.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/07/12 06:03 PM
Good Saturday morning to you RL.

Today it is good to be alive.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 01:13 AM
Sorry for the long gap between posts. It's just i have a hard time figuring out what i want to say and how to say it.

Pepperband: I did not tell anyone about the affair while i was in it the one thing i knew before during and after the affair is that i did not want my marriage to end and I knew if I told anyone there was a chance it would get back to my husband. The number one thing on my mind during the affair was "don't get caught" And I'm ashamed to admit this but i did everything i could possibly think of to hide this from my husband (in fact looking for ways to hide is how i found this site frown ) I had set up a fake e-mail account to communicate with POSOM (I'm starting to learn the acronyms) I would delete every text i got from him almost right after i got it i would also keep my phone on me constantly (funny thing is the first time i didn't is when i got caught) and for the most part we would meet in hotels out of the way so nobody would recognize us.

As far as the DNA test results go my STBXH contacted the clinic who did it and told me they said that they do not have our results on file and have no record of any testing taking place. My husband told them that that made no sense that he has a copy of the results they sent him. My STBXH argued with them for over an hour but was told nothing that an investigation will have to be started and that they will get back to him. STBXH Says that he's going to contact his lawyer and have him look into it but in the meantime he has ordered another DNA test from a different company 2 actually. i don't want to get my hopes up but it would be wonderful for this to have been nothing more than a error of some sort on their side and my youngest is actually his It's what I'm praying for but I'm trying to get my hopes up.

As for how things are going with me i must say I'm actually doing pretty good these past few days. I spent the weekend with my daughters i took my youngest to the park she loves the swans that are there. Sunday I went out with one of my friends for a little shopping and had a great time we talked about how things have been these last few months and what a bad year 2011 turned out to be (my friend is also been going through a rough time) When I got home I was surprised to find that my daughters had cooked a big dinner and that they had invited their father over. When STBXH arrived they set us both down and told us that we have been having these family dinners every Sunday since they were born and that regardless of whether we're divorced or not that were still family and were still having family dinner. I broke down crying at this incredibly sweet gesture my husband just smiled and gave my oldest a hug we then all sit down and had dinner. It was great we all joked and laughed it felt just like old times my daughters had the biggest smiles on their faces (i have not seen him smile like that in a long time) and it was great to see them having a great time. after dinner we watched a movie together (Titanic my oldest and mines favorite) afterwards my STBXH and i talked. He said he was so proud of the girls and thought it was so sweet of them to go out of their way like this. He thinks that something like this is good every once in a while but that we are going to have the help them adjust to us living separately and being divorced. I told him i agreed and that i would do everything i can to help them and to make sure that they know that the separation is a mutual decision. It felt great to have him back in the home even if it was for only a short while and for the little bit that we did talk i really think i got a chance to practice POJA and to begin to show him and more importantly myself that i can redeem myself from this if i do the right thing.

To top off a great weekend today i had my interview and it went fantastic. They offered me the job right there on the spot i start in 2 weeks and i can't wait. So all in all I'm doing great my daughter's just left to spend the week with their father so that's got me a bit sad but I'm not going to let it bring me down. I realize one of the most important things i can do for my recovery is to keep a positive attitude and not to let the situation overwhelm me. I must focus on making things better for me and when given the opportunity making things better for my STBXH and most importantly making sure my daughters are looked after and loved. Thanks for reading i appreciate any feedback or constructive criticism you may have i can use all the help i can get.

Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 01:28 AM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
I realize one of the most important things i can do for my recovery is to keep a positive attitude and not to let the situation overwhelm me. I must focus on making things better for me and when given the opportunity making things better for my STBXH and most importantly making sure my daughters are looked after and loved.

Yes.
Do this consistently and things will improve.

If you get low, come here to vent, I'll be happy to kick your butt for you. grin
Followed by a hug of course.

Keep posting, MB is a good resource for you.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 01:34 AM
Oh Pepperband you're just too sweet a butt kicking and a hug what more could a girl ask for. rotflmao
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 01:36 AM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
Oh Pepperband you're just too sweet a butt kicking and a hug what more could a girl ask for. rotflmao

RL .... I'm pulling the "age card". flirt
I'm old enough to be yo'mama, and therefore, I lay claim to butt kicking and hugging rights ... at my discretion.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 01:40 AM
Yes ma'am there's one thing I've learned in my 41 years it is not to argue with my "mama" I'll do what I'm told. grin
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 01:45 AM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
they said that they do not have our results on file and have no record of any testing taking place.

This is SHOCKING !!!
Oy-vey. doh2
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 01:53 AM
I know we were both shocked when we found out. I thought it would just come out that they didn't do the right test but the fact that they may have completely screwed up the results they sent us it's pretty shocking. Like i said though i would be ecstatic if this all worked out to mean that my youngest is biologically my STBXH's. i can hope but i know i shouldn't.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 01/10/12 02:07 AM
I'm praying this works in your favor.
Posted By: fifteenyears Re: I ruined my life - 01/12/12 04:18 PM
RL, did you ever consider doing a telephone coaching session with Steve Harvey or having your STBXH, talk to him? It was suggested to me and I was just curious if it was ever suggested to you.

I hope everything works out with your youngest. No matter what happens, keep your faith and hope alive!
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/13/12 03:05 AM
I got a call from my STBXH on Tuesday that he found a place to do the DNA test and had appointment for Wednesday at lunchtime and want to make sure i was available. He met me there on his lunch break with my youngest and we went and did the test they told us they would get us the results in two weeks at the latest we were both fine with that. It was awkward in the waiting room he barely said anything to me and mostly focused on our daughter i did the same one trying to make conversation that he shut it down pretty quick he did not seem like he was in a good mood.

After the testing i offered to treat him and the Princess to some lunch he declined (Seemed like he couldn't wait to leave frown )but said i could take our youngest with me if i wanted to and drop her off at the babysitter's afterwards. So I went out and had lunch with my youngest and ended up breaking down crying in the middle of the restaurant. I don't know what came over me i just felt This "weight of sadness" is the only way i know how to describe it one woman even came over and gave me some tissue and asked if i was okay. When i came home i just spent the whole day crying and thinking about everything i lost. Then i remembered what i read here and how i want to change so today i got up and went around the house and cleaned everything until it was spotless (couldn't help but think the whole time God I need to start work) i then went to the gym for three hours and worked every muscle till it was sore then came home and poured a glass of wine and relaxed with my laptop. I was very proud of myself normally i would just Get caught up in everything that's gone wrong and just sink into a pit of despair and sadness but not today today i took action. I have to keep telling myself that i can't let my feelings dictate my actions i have to do the opposite and that way when i do positive actions my feelings will improve and i will eventually be able to move past this with or without my STBXH.

fifteenyears: I thought about calling the Harleys but given the price and the fact that my husband has already filed for divorce and moved out of the house i don't think it would do much good. Plus my husband has indicated that he is not open to MC of any kind.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/13/12 04:42 AM
The harleys have been no to give great suggestions to get a posters spouse to do a phone session. At the least they can help you devise a plan to get through this. I hope this test works out.
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: I ruined my life - 01/13/12 05:29 AM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
When i came home i just spent the whole day crying and thinking about everything i lost. Then i remembered what i read here and how i want to change so today i got up and went around the house and cleaned everything until it was spotless (couldn't help but think the whole time God I need to start work) i then went to the gym for three hours and worked every muscle till it was sore then came home and poured a glass of wine and relaxed with my laptop. I was very proud of myself normally i would just Get caught up in everything that's gone wrong and just sink into a pit of despair and sadness but not today today i took action. I have to keep telling myself that i can't let my feelings dictate my actions i have to do the opposite and that way when i do positive actions my feelings will improve and i will eventually be able to move past this with or without my STBXH.

Good for you! Feelings follow actions. Good for you for remembering and applying the counsel you received here.

Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/15/12 05:44 AM
Been doing pretty good these past few days. I have been controlling my emotions a lot better lately and have only broken down crying twice in the past three days grin. I went to see my counselor yesterday and among other things she told me that i need to start living my life under the assumption that my husband will never come back. I told her about the marriage builders website and the philosophy it espouses and while she had nothing bad to say about the site she did say that my visiting and posting shows I'm still not ready to move on. So i wanted to ask the question do you think that posting here and following the marriage builds principles is bad for my personal recovery if you're husband is already moved on and filed for divorce and furthermore do you think it's a good idea that i move forward under the assumption that i will not recover my marriage?? Thanks in advance for taking the time to answer my questions.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/15/12 07:11 AM
Can anyone help me.
Posted By: CWMI Re: I ruined my life - 01/15/12 08:08 AM
I'm here, may not be your best help at this hour, but I can answer your questions. MB can help you with personal recovery, whether your marriage makes it or not, and you should work toward your goal, whether you succeed or not.

ICs focus on individuals, not families or couples, and they often stink at their jobs, so keep that in mind.

Take care of yourself.
Posted By: ConstantProcess Re: I ruined my life - 01/15/12 09:36 AM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
Can anyone help me.

Read your thread tonight. Hoping for good results in the DNA test. Although your BH has been a great Dad to your DDs and of course he would be a great Dad to an OC also.

Wondered if part of his issue is with losing his best friend over this, or that betrayal might also have hurt him deeply..Two best friends betrayal, has to be hard.

I second CWMIs opinion on ICs, they don't ussually care about other relationships being the most important, they want to be the answer instead many times.

All you can expect is fair treatment and the chance to prove you are the best choice for your H to stay married to.

This has been a blow to him, and now you have the job of making him know that you regret it and how important he is to you. The center and Dr H are his best form of being able to deal with this emotionally.

I suggest he gets counseling whether you stay married or not, because this will not go away by itself, and I suggest it is from Dr H, even if you remain anyonomous, so He can think and feel clearly.

He has the get out of marriage free card now, but if my guess is right, and I don't want to give you false hope, he will not leave two sweet girls behind without much pain.

Good luck and God Bless in your tests


Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: I ruined my life - 01/15/12 01:08 PM
I believe MB principles are great for anyone trying to become a better person. Who wants to be friends with someone who makes selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts?

Learning the POJA is great for anyone with friends. It could even be introduced to children, although parents retain the last say. The POJA is often used in workplace settings.

The section in His Needs Her Needs that covers conversations is helpful for either gender and in any relationship.

Lovebusters teaches how a person can overcome Angry Outbursts, among many other downfalls in a relationship.

If I was single and even not dating, I would continue listening to MB and learning about emotional needs and lovebusters, as well as relationships (Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.)

I think it's terrific you are still here and wanting to learn.
Posted By: Neak Re: I ruined my life - 01/15/12 09:36 PM
I advise to keep learning and growing here. Even if you don't ultimately R your M, the route you take in the attempt is the quickest path to healing for yourself, as well.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 01/29/12 02:10 AM
Great news my STBXH got the test results back on a Friday and my daughter is biologically his dance2 and i couldn't be more ecstatic. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!! to everyone who encouraged me to question the paternity test if it wasn't for you both my husband and i would've gone our entire lives thinking that my daughter wasn't really his. It makes me sick to think if we hadn't gotten the test redone the conversation we might've had with our daughter. I can't help but think how smart it was of my husband to not want to tell anyone at least not until later his decision saved us a lot of anguish and I'm grateful to him.

The day my STBXH told me he came over and sat me down and got straight to the point after he told me i broke down crying for about 15 min afterwards we talked for a bit about what this means. He said that this does not change anything and that he still wants to move ahead with the divorce and that he just can't picture life with me. I told him that i understand why he does not want to return and that what i did to him is unforgivable and that he has a right to move on with his life but that i would wait for him. I went on to say that i understand that he needs to figure things out on his own and that he's not abandoning me or his family he's just trying to look out for himself for a change.

After talking for a couple of hours about our whole relationship we came to an agreement that we will try to be friends. But that does not mean it will ever be anything more than that. I told him i could respect that but that i will never stop hoping for a chance to make it up to him. He was understanding sweet but firm his usual charming self. We spoke about the divorce and the final decree would be on Thursday and he offered to pick me up and we would go to the courthouse together. We spent the rest of the night just catching up and talking about the kids it was actually the most fun I've had in a long time we were joking and getting along like old times i didn't realize until after he left how much i missed that.

Once again i just want to say thank you to everyone here who encouraged me to ask him to redo the tests. If it wasn't for you i don't know how my life would've turned out. Words cannot express my gratitude i really don't know what to say.
Posted By: fifteenyears Re: I ruined my life - 01/31/12 01:14 AM
I am so happy for you and the results of the test. No matter what happens with you and your husband continue learning and being the best person you can be for yourself and your children. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers no matter what twists or turns lay ahead for you. I wish you the best RL!

Fifteen
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 01/31/12 04:50 AM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
Great news my STBXH got the test results back on a Friday and my daughter is biologically his dance2 and i couldn't be more ecstatic. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!! to everyone who encouraged me to question the paternity test if it wasn't for you both my husband and i would've gone our entire lives thinking that my daughter wasn't really his.


I'm glad you got the re test done because the way the story was relayed to us that there had to be something wrong with the first test.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: I ruined my life - 01/31/12 05:18 AM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
Great news my STBXH got the test results back on a Friday and my daughter is biologically his and i couldn't be more ecstatic. .

What fabulous news, RL!!! hug
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/01/12 03:47 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
Great news my STBXH got the test results back on a Friday and my daughter is biologically his dance2 and i couldn't be more ecstatic.

I meant to congratulate you on this joyful news earlier. But, I got busy taking care of myself & forgot until just now.

How are you doing?
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/01/12 04:03 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
what i did to him is unforgivable


Do not ever repeat this to him.
First off, it may not be true.
Secondly, that's not for you to decide.
Slap your hand for me, OK?

Quote
he has a right to move on with his life but that i would wait for him. I went on to say that i understand that he needs to figure things out on his own and that he's not abandoning me or his family he's just trying to look out for himself for a change.

For future reference, change this up just a little.
Also, stop using this "You have the right to move on" stuff. Instead, this can be expressed something like ... "I understand you have the responsibility to protect yourself".

Quote
After talking for a couple of hours

Just pointing out to you ....
CONVERSATION = an intimate emotional need !
Well done you!


Quote
i will never stop hoping for a chance to make it up to him.

I am not being critical of you here. Just trying to assist you in 'tweaking' these conversations so they are more advantageous for you.

"I will keep hope alive for both of us."
Neutral, not pushy.
Up beat.

Quote
We spoke about the divorce and the final decree would be on Thursday and he offered to pick me up and we would go to the courthouse together.

Let us know what happened so we can support you.
OK?


Quote
We spent the rest of the night just catching up and talking about the kids it was actually the most fun I've had in a long time we were joking and getting along like old times i didn't realize until after he left how much i missed that.

He missed it too.
Major kudos!
Good for you!
hurray

Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/01/12 04:11 PM
On *** THIS THREAD *** in the "Divorcing" forum .....

I linked some stuff about Hopeful_Person's story.
I'm too lazy to re-link to you.
So, go to that 'divorcing' thread, scroll down to click on the links I gave her.

Tell me what you think. OK?
Posted By: fifteenyears Re: I ruined my life - 02/01/12 04:30 PM
Pepper,

Thanks for sharing those links. I know they were for RL but I read them as well and they gave me a lot of hope!
Originally Posted by Pepperband
On *** THIS THREAD *** in the "Divorcing" forum .....

I linked some stuff about Hopeful_Person's story.
I'm too lazy to re-link to you.
So, go to that 'divorcing' thread, scroll down to click on the links I gave her.

Tell me what you think. OK?
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/01/12 04:46 PM
Originally Posted by fifteenyears
Pepper,

Thanks for sharing those links. I know they were for RL but I read them as well and they gave me a lot of hope!
Originally Posted by Pepperband
On *** THIS THREAD *** in the "Divorcing" forum .....

I linked some stuff about Hopeful_Person's story.
I'm too lazy to re-link to you.
So, go to that 'divorcing' thread, scroll down to click on the links I gave her.

Tell me what you think. OK?

Once you're reading Hopeful_Person's posts, you can click on her name, then click on "posts" to read everything she posted. Her MB journey was not easy, but it was simple.
Be gentle.
Not pushy.
Show interest without expectations.
Understand how empathy can work in your favor.

Not everyone has the PERSEVERANCE to stick it out for 15 months.
But, you never know what you can accomplish until you do it.
If the effort does not lead to eventual reconciliation of the marriage, you're a better woman for your efforts.

Posted By: Neak Re: I ruined my life - 02/01/12 07:41 PM
The end of the D process does not necessarily equal the end of all hope. Sometimes it's the beginning. smile

I am happy for you, that your DD belongs to both of you, and for the progress you're making.
Posted By: marksaysay Re: I ruined my life - 02/01/12 07:53 PM
Originally Posted by Neak
The end of the D process does not necessarily equal the end of all hope. Sometimes it's the beginning. smile.


This is exactly the way I feel. Although I'm the BS, I believe that there is always hope. Even if 99.9% says "no way", there is that .1%. That's enough for me.

The unfortunate piece to your puzzle is that you were the ws. That just means you have some work to do. The news about your child is great news but understand that your bh is extremely hurt and a lot of time may need to pass before he'll even consider reconciliation, D or not.

Make the choice now to make some personal changes WITHOUT any expectations of your husband. Grow into the awesome woman you were meant to be. You can't control him but you can control you.

I wish you all the best and hope that your future is bright. Learn from this experience and make all efforts to not let the past be repeated.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 02/02/12 01:31 PM
Pepperband: Thank you for the advice it's much appreciated i think you are right i have to learn to pick my words more carefully (i like "I understand you have the responsibility to protect yourself" and "I will keep hope alive for both of us.") when I speak with STBXH and to avoid putting pressure on him. It's just hard sometimes because i get so excited when he comes around and we get a chance to talk and i feel a little less alone. Also i have been reading hopeful_persons story and have been crying the whole time i've been reading it but thank you for pointing out to me it's truly an amazing story with lots of great advice.

As for everything else in my life things actually have been going quite well I'm on the second week of my new job and it is been going great. It feels good to have something to do all day again I've never been used to staying at home all day especially on the weeks i don't have my daughters. Speaking of my daughters this is my week with them and once again I've been trying to spend as much time with them as possible (made harder by the new job) We went to an art show yesterday and had a great time i got the chance to expose them to the local art scene and they really enjoyed themselves. My middle child is still angry with me and doesn't speak to me very much. She's always been a daddy's girl and has pretty much been taking STBXH side (not that I blame her) since all this started.

I spoke with my STBXH once this week when he dropped off the girls and it went well. I invited him in when he was dropping off the girls and he accepted and we set for about a half hour just talking smalltalk mostly about how his job was going i just sat and listened and tried to be positive. I didn't bring up our divorce or the affair once and i think he was relieved not to have to talk about it for a change. Whenever i speak with him i just trying now to keep the conversation light and fun reminding him of the person i used to be before all this happened. I don't know if it's working but i know it's going to take time. But i just keep telling myself i have to do it for me not him.
Posted By: Neak Re: I ruined my life - 02/02/12 03:44 PM
Your other children are still angry with you, too, even if they are able to interact with you more positively than your middle DD. It's not a matter of taking sides - they are rightfully angry and blaming the person who destroyed their home and family.

You've made so much progress since you've been here, and I'm really proud of you! It's going to take your kids much longer to see the same progress, and to trust that it's going to last. Keep on being consistent and making amends, and they will eventually be able to find healing and restoration in their relationship with you.

Perhaps even say to them, if you haven't already, "It's ok for you to be angry with me. What I did was very wrong, and you should be angry. It wasn't your fault, or your dad's fault. It was mine. I'm very sorry for what I did, and I want my actions to show that. I am following a plan to put up safeguards that will protect my choice to never commit adultery again. Any time you ask me about those safeguards, I would be glad to talk to you about what they are and how they will protect all of us.

"You are so important to me, and I want to do everything I can to be the best mom I can be. I can't change what I already did wrong, but I choose to never go down that road again. I choose to always be here for you. I love you."

Then be patient with them. They, like your BH, are still suffering fresh wounds with every reminder of how things have changed and been broken. Every time they see their dad cry, or come home and there's only one parent there, they are wounded all over again. It takes time for them to heal from that, and to accept their life as it now is.

Once they are not facing so many painful reminders on a daily basis, it will be easier for them to forgive you and to believe that you've truly changed.

Hang in there. You're doing so well!
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 09:10 AM
Had a hard day Thursday went to the courthouse with my now ex-husband and now we are officially divorced frown . It didn't take long basically we had to wait for the judge to see us then he brought us into his chambers asked us a few technical questions and then asked if we were sure we want to do this and i must admit i was hoping my husband would say no but he said yes and so did i and that was it. All told it only took a few hours and our 15 year marriage/25 year relationship was over. I must say that it was very hard day all morning i was dreading it and could barely keep my composure. But at the same time most proud of myself For being able to keep my composure at the courthouse and especially in front of my ex.

After we left the courthouse my ex and i went for a late lunch to talk and i feel we both had a great time. We were laughing and joking swapping stories from better times and from the looks of it it was the most relaxed my husband's been around me in a long time. We spoke about our daughters and he said he want's to help me repair my relationship with our middle child and that we must keep the focus on our children in making sure that they're handling this divorce is best as possible. Of course i agreed with him and thanked him for his offer we then spoke at length about the affair for the first time since D-Day.

He told me that one of the reasons it is so hard to even consider reconciliation with me is the fact that the affair was with his "Former best friend" and said that he probably could've reconciled it was with someone else. But having a long affair and to top it off the affair being with his best friend was just too much. He asked why would i want to have an affair and it hurt so bad to have tell him the truth that basically i got insecure and board and thought i could get away with having some "fun" on the side. Then he asked why then would you decide to do it with "insert 0M's name here" and again i basically had no real reason other than i thought that it would help me get away with it if it was with someone who had just as much interest in the affair not being discovered as i did. I think my husband could see that the conversation was making me uncomfortable and we changed the subject.

After lunch was over my ex walked me to my car and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said I'll talk to use later. And the second he was out of sight i broke down crying in my car. I was so sad for our conversation to have ended even if it was an uncomfortable subject. This is all so frustrating i can't help but think that i could fix things if you would just be willing to let me. But at the same time i know but that's a selfish thing to think and that i brought this all upon myself by having an affair. And the same pain I feel for him leaving he feels 100 times worse because of my affair and who it was with. All I can do now is work on fixing me and hope that someday in the future he sees this new and better me and decides he wants to get to know her.
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 02:31 PM
Quote
All I can do now is work on fixing me and hope that someday in the future he sees this new and better me and decides he wants to get to know her.
Oh, RL! hug I'm so sorry things didn't turn out how you'd hoped. I've bolded part of your quote that I think you should concentrate on. Be the best person you can be for YOU and your children. Don't do anything in the hopes that your H will come back.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 05:55 PM
RL ........

Have a daily good cry in the shower.
Don't allow those tears to get all backed up.
They cause wrinkles if you don't let them flow.
Look it up. wink
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 06:09 PM
Well, just one more thing. You will benefit from hearing the betrayed way of looking at this. You won't like this very much.

Quote
He told me that one of the reasons it is so hard to even consider reconciliation with me is the fact that the affair was with his "Former best friend" and said that he probably could've reconciled it was with someone else. But having a long affair and to top it off the affair being with his best friend was just too much. He asked why would i want to have an affair and it hurt so bad to have tell him the truth that basically i got insecure and board and thought i could get away with having some "fun" on the side.

The deeper truth (what is going on inside the faithful's brain) looks like this:

You knew exactly what would hurt your faithful spouse the most.
You chose that option.
You had other options.
You chose a deliberate kill point.
There had to be anger/resentment behind this cruelty.
The lack of empathy and deliberate wounding is why he divorced you.

"I thought I could get away with some fun" is you, swimming in the shallow end of the pool, avoiding the deep waters of insight.

I have a good bull-crap detector, and what you told exBH was/is/will forever be .... a load.

I tell you this not to make you feel bad, but to encourage you to swim in the deeper end .... eventually.
Whenever you are able.
Posted By: wulffpack_girl Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 06:14 PM
RL, I teared up reading your post. My heart goes out to you...I want to post some excellent advice from a very wise poster here...

Originally Posted by Pepperband to Harmony2010
My question to Pepper:

not sure how one can lead the other back into intimacy in our current situation?!! To me that would be my H extending an olive branch out to me to talk to me, and he has not done that


Peppers response:

You can't.
Except, you can do the following:

You keep your side of the garden weeded.
You plant the seeds of forgiveness in your own heart.
You look at your remorse and decide what needs to change within yourself.
Examine your warts and blemishes and make appropriate improvements.
You write him that Birthday love letter.
You stop trash-talking him to anyone. ANYONE.
You stop fussing all the time and looking for "justice" or "fair" or measure past errors to decide which of you were "more wrong" than the other.

You become the healthiest, most serene YOU possible.
You become the beautiful soul who glows with grace and wisdom.

So that, should he offer an olive branch, he may be totally amazed by your transformation.


Sometimes all you can do - sometimes the best thing you can do - is work on you. I'll be thinking about you. hug
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 06:16 PM
That's not half bad. smile
I don't remember writing it !!!

Coffee time?
Posted By: My4Loves Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 06:31 PM
Quote
There had to be anger/resentment behind this cruelty.

The power behind this sentence is astounding ... I have goosebumps
Posted By: wulffpack_girl Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 06:35 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
That's not half bad. smile
I don't remember writing it !!!

Coffee time?


lol Pep, I can brew us a fresh pot! smile
Posted By: fifteenyears Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 08:12 PM


The deeper truth (what is going on inside the faithful's brain) looks like this:

You knew exactly what would hurt your faithful spouse the most.
You chose that option.
You had other options.
You chose a deliberate kill point.
There had to be anger/resentment behind this cruelty.
The lack of empathy and deliberate wounding is why he divorced you.

Pepper, this is exactly what I did to my own husband. I don't think I did it consciously, I did not set out to hurt him. Just seeing these words however really strikes a nerve deep inside me. It sounds so much like me it is scary. he knows this too because his exact words to me were "you know an affair is like my Kryptonite and you chose to do it anyway." I am so discussed with myself for even allowing myself to be such a weak, selfish person.
Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 09:47 PM
***EDIT***
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 02/04/12 11:25 PM
***EDIT***
Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 12:46 AM
***EDIT***
Posted By: Justthe3ofus Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 12:54 AM
***EDIT***

Posted By: SmilingWoman Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 01:34 AM
***EDIT***
Posted By: Viper Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 01:48 AM
***EDIT***
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 02:08 AM
***EDIT***
Posted By: marksaysay Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 03:43 AM
***EDIT***
Posted By: Ariel Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 03:00 PM
Please do not argue against Dr. Harley's opinions on another's thread. Please help this poster with Dr Harley's Marriage Builders advice or refrain from posting.
Posted By: Ariel Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 05:15 PM
We welcome discussions about Christian forgiveness and restoration of the marriage, but please start such general discussions on a new thread in the forum Other Topics, not on a poster's thread in this forum. Thank you.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/05/12 07:37 PM
Originally Posted by wulffpack_girl
Sometimes all you can do - sometimes the best thing you can do - is work on you. I'll be thinking about you. hug

Me too.

Aside:
THANK YOU MODS FOR DISALLOWING THAT DISTRACTION FROM THIS THREAD.
Posted By: Just Learning Re: I ruined my life - 02/06/12 10:08 PM
RL,

This is a long thread and I don't recall if I have posted to you before. I was one of the posters that posted to Hopeful_person while she was here. I think the one thing that she "got" after awhile is something that you are still struggling with as expressed in the following comment
Quote
This is all so frustrating i can't help but think that i could fix things if you would just be willing to let me. But at the same time i know but that's a selfish thing to think and that i brought this all upon myself by having an affair. And the same pain I feel for him leaving he feels 100 times worse because of my affair and who it was with. All I can do now is work on fixing me and hope that someday in the future he sees this new and better me and decides he wants to get to know her.

There is a constant battle going on between "hoping/wishing/praying" for a chance to "fix" things, and the reality that "things" cannot be fixed.

Hopeful_person came to understand that IF her husband ever gave her a chance, they would have a NEW relationship and a NEW marriage if she got the chance. She did and I believe that their marriage is NEW.

The last part of your quote is dead on. You can only work on being you, you can only address the deep issues you must have had to so completely trash your marriage and your H's friendship with his best friend. You see he lost all the way around, his children are now part time, his W is gone, his best friend who would have probably helped him deal with this is gone, and of course his family is destroyed. In Hopeful_persons case it took time measure in years for her H to heal from what she did to him.

Your H will heal for the most part, but he cannot get back what he lost either. He cannot "fix" things either. So when you read Hopeful_person's threads and posts please remember you are seeing how she started a NEW relationship with her exH and that relationship although brief led to her marrying him again.

It can happen to you, but just remember the only control you have over this situation is to address your issues, and do your best to be a good friend to your exH (the father of your children).

Lot's to say but little time.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Pay close attention to Pep, she is deceptively perceptive. smile
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 04:05 AM
Haven't posted for a while been reading other people's threads mostly. I've been doing good lately it was my youngest's birthday Friday and we had a party for her it was mostly just family and friends that attended and it was nice. It was a bit uncomfortable at times given the situation with my ex and his family (Which I think I explained here before) which made me feel both uncomfortable and guilty at the same time. But still the day wasn't about me or my ex it was about my baby girl and i made damn sure she knew that.

Didn't really speak with my EX during the party but we got to have a chat afterwards and it was a great opportunity to make some deposits in his love bank. We mostly spoke about the kids and how they're handling this but we also got a chance to talk about us and where we go from here. He says he hopes we can become "great friends" and put the past were it belongs. I agreed with him that we needed to put the past behind us and that we can be friends but I also told him that I would like to be more than that and if he ever decides that he would like that to just let me know. I know that sounds like putting pressure on him but I feel it's very important to be honest with him and honestly as much as I've changed and want to succeed in moving on I'm still desperate for reconciliation.

I met with my therapist yesterday, we've been talking lately about the deeper reasons behind my affair (Thanks to who ever brought that up) and my therapist says that i have a fear of abandonment and that causes me to want to run away. And that the root of the problem comes from when i was little and my father ran away for two years. She says that Until i face this problem head-on that i will never be capable of a healthy relationship. I think she's right insofar as when the affair began my EX had just started a huge project for work and was spending a lot less time at home (i am not blaming my EX) and i did feel resentment towards him because of that. So i turned to my husband's friend, started talking to him and latched onto him because i was afraid to be alone and it just went downhill for there. I pursued an affair With him (which he was more than happy to do) but what i really think gives her theory credence is the fact that the second my husband finished his work project i lost interest in the affair and started to try to end it and that's when the blackmail started and everything fell apart.

so i just wanted to give everyone a little update you've all been so kind and helpful to me i thought I'd let you know how i was doing. I'm taking everything one day at a time and working towards a better me but i know i can't do it alone. While my family and friends have been great there are just some things you can't say to them and being able to come here and talk about my failed marriage and adultery or even just to vent has been an oasis and i thank you.
Posted By: Neak Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 02:48 PM
Whatever led to the A, what is going to fix it is putting EP's in place.

Even if your father hadn't abandoned you, it would still have been possible for you to give yourself permission to cheat. Regardless of the past, what is going to heal you the best is ~currently~ eliminating the conditions that permitted you to cheat, i.e. sloppy or nonexistant boundaries around men besides your BH.

While it is important to your personal healing to acknowledge the trauma you faced from your father's abandonment, the biggest and most important item that relates to your healing has nothing to do with him then, or you then. It is all about you NOW.
Posted By: markos Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 03:14 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
I met with my therapist yesterday, we've been talking lately about the deeper reasons behind my affair (Thanks to who ever brought that up) and my therapist says that i have a fear of abandonment and that causes me to want to run away. And that the root of the problem comes from when i was little and my father ran away for two years. She says that Until i face this problem head-on that i will never be capable of a healthy relationship.

I am so sorry, but your therapist is wrong. There is no evidence that "resolving issues of the past" accomplishes anything other than enriching therapists.

Whoever gave you this advice here did you a grave disservice. I wish somebody had seen and offered Dr. Harley's advice as a contrast, or notified the moderators so that corrective action could be taken.

I will go hunt down what Dr. Harley says about resolving issues of the past so that you can compare what he says with what you are hearing elsewhere.
Posted By: markos Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 03:19 PM
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?%20ubb=showflat&Number=2311122

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

I know that many therapists disagree with Dr. Harley. But, I also know that the track record for most marriage therapy is abysmal, while Dr. Harley's track record seems to be spectacular. And most therapists completely disagree that the goals Dr. Harley accomplishes are even possible, i.e., restoration of romantic love, although Dr. Harley's plans accomplish that goal all the time. So I really discount what the other therapists have to say, as they seem to be passing on "received wisdom" with no evidence to support it, in the face of evidence that shows that it is actually harmful.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 03:21 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
Haven't posted for a while been reading other people's threads mostly. I've been doing good lately it was my youngest's birthday Friday and we had a party for her it was mostly just family and friends that attended and it was nice. It was a bit uncomfortable at times given the situation with my ex and his family (Which I think I explained here before) which made me feel both uncomfortable and guilty at the same time. But still the day wasn't about me or my ex it was about my baby girl and i made damn sure she knew that.

Didn't really speak with my EX during the party but we got to have a chat afterwards and it was a great opportunity to make some deposits in his love bank. We mostly spoke about the kids and how they're handling this but we also got a chance to talk about us and where we go from here. He says he hopes we can become "great friends" and put the past were it belongs. I agreed with him that we needed to put the past behind us and that we can be friends but I also told him that I would like to be more than that and if he ever decides that he would like that to just let me know. I know that sounds like putting pressure on him but I feel it's very important to be honest with him and honestly as much as I've changed and want to succeed in moving on I'm still desperate for reconciliation.

I met with my therapist yesterday, we've been talking lately about the deeper reasons behind my affair (Thanks to who ever brought that up) and my therapist says that i have a fear of abandonment and that causes me to want to run away. And that the root of the problem comes from when i was little and my father ran away for two years. She says that Until i face this problem head-on that i will never be capable of a healthy relationship. I think she's right insofar as when the affair began my EX had just started a huge project for work and was spending a lot less time at home (i am not blaming my EX) and i did feel resentment towards him because of that. So i turned to my husband's friend, started talking to him and latched onto him because i was afraid to be alone and it just went downhill for there. I pursued an affair With him (which he was more than happy to do) but what i really think gives her theory credence is the fact that the second my husband finished his work project i lost interest in the affair and started to try to end it and that's when the blackmail started and everything fell apart.

so i just wanted to give everyone a little update you've all been so kind and helpful to me i thought I'd let you know how i was doing. I'm taking everything one day at a time and working towards a better me but i know i can't do it alone. While my family and friends have been great there are just some things you can't say to them and being able to come here and talk about my failed marriage and adultery or even just to vent has been an oasis and i thank you.



There is no reason you can't subtlely court XBH and plan A XBH. You're not in a hurry to replace XBH so where is the hurry?
Posted By: Prisca Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 03:42 PM
Quote
She says that Until i face this problem head-on that i will never be capable of a healthy relationship.
How exactly do you face a problem head-on that happened when you were a child? By dwelling on it?

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Work on the here and now, and you can have a healthy, loving relationship.

Many people who were abandoned as children have never had affairs. Many people from loving, stable homes have had affairs. It has little to do with your childhood, and more to do with the boundaries you have in place now as an adult.

Posted By: Prisca Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 07:04 PM
Here's a thought: You will not be able to have a healthy relationship until you take responsibility for your own actions instead of blaming past childhood events.
Posted By: SusieQ Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 07:20 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
So when the opportunity presented itself to have a fling i jumped at it my husband's best friend at the time (they have known each other since they were 5) approached me at a party one night and started flirting with me He has done this in the past but usually was harmless and my husband was okay with it (actually thought it was funny) we were both drinking that night

This is why you had an affair. Not because of your childhood.

People with good boundaries don't flirt and hang out with members of the opposite sex. Add drinking to the mix and you are looking at a train wreck.

People with good and bad childhoods engage in this type of behavior (flirting) and have affairs. It has nothing to do with your childhood issues and everything to do with how you interact with members of the opposite sex.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 10:07 PM
Where people get confused is how their emotional needs come about.

The flirty POSOM likely has a very high need for admiration, and was looking for his validation by flirting. This developed from his childhood and his parents and his upbringing.

Instead of getting the admiration from his wife he dropped his boundaries and got it from other women. It may have been harmless in the past, but as Dr. Harley states "We are all prone to adultery if the conditions are right."

Your emotional needs also developed in your childhood, from your parents, and your upbringing. If your father abandoned you, then your emotional needs may reflect that abandonment. Most in society don't understand emotional needs, so your husband was probably failing to meet some.

This POSOM came into the picture and met them for you. Your husband was 100% perfectly able to meet them. By dropping your boundaries you crossed the line and let another man meet them.

If you want to look at your life and understand why you committed adultery, then look at how you didn't protect yourself.

Moving forward do all you can to understand your emotional needs.

I know FC is my #1 and most high emotional need. It comes from the way I was raised. It was heavily influenced by my parents, upbringing, and environment. I also have a very high need for affection. This I get from the fact my dad was not very affectionate with my mom. Growing up I decided my husband was going to be someone who gave me affection and not just in the bedroom.

I could easily drop my boundaries and have another man meet my affection and FC emotional need because they are very high. The fact is my boundaries are airtight and only my husband is going to meet them.

When I am divorced, then I will allow another man to meet them.

To make a long winded story long - understand and know your emotional needs. Realize they are shaped by your childhood, and NEVER EVER forget your boundaries will protect you from this ever happening again.

Tough~
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 02/14/12 11:31 PM
I should've made this more clear my therapist was not saying that my affair was caused by my father leaving. She meant that my father abandoning us caused me to have issues with abandonment and then when my husband started his work project (once again not blaming my ex) and was around a lot less created the circumstances that made me much more susceptible to an affair. But she also made it clear that it was not destiny but my own choices that led to it. A big part of my therapy has been trying to learn to accept the consequences for my actions. For years I've had a problem with accepting blame and trying to rug sweep and when i was finally forced to for the first time on D-Day i broke down and couldn't handle it And that's really what my therapies been about.

So i understand that a lot of people Here have a problem with marriage counseling and therapy in general and i can respect that. I too have read the results of marriage counseling and they're not good but my therapist has helped me a lot. She's a good person who actually doesn't disagree with marriage builders and encourages me to come here just so long as i accept the fact that I'm going to have to move on without my husband and that most likely my relationship with my DH won't be saved. So i understand what everyone is saying about not passing off blame to some event in my past and i need to work on creating better boundaries for myself to make sure this never happens again.
Posted By: Neak Re: I ruined my life - 02/15/12 04:55 AM
Your BH may have triggered your feeling of abandonment. So what? People have triggers every day, and live through them without destroying their families.

What I am much more concerned about is why you gave yourself permission to cheat on him. That had NOTHING to do with your childhood, and everything to do with you as an adult.

The only part of this I see as being potentially useful, is to recognize this: when you feel abandoned (whether you actually are or not), you may possibly feel the urge to abandon first, so you can't be hurt. (This is NOT why you committed adultery.) Simply acknowledge that possible tendency, and be on guard against it.

The main issues here are your boundaries with members of the opposite sex.
Posted By: wulffpack_girl Re: I ruined my life - 02/15/12 02:48 PM
It came out in therapy that I had daddy issues. Not a fear of abandonment, but I constantly sought approval from a dad who loved me, but was often too busy to show it.

Aaaaannnnnnddddd....so what?

It didn't give me the right to have an affair.

I wasn't raised to believe that an affair was an acceptable option. I saw the disastrous effects of infidelity and divorce on families third-hand through my extended family. My own parents were married - happily - for 43 years.

I trusted someone I shouldn't have. I relaxed my boundaries around someone who I had once loved 20 years earlier. I didn't understand the concept of a "love bank," and that this person already had an old LB$ with me, sitting dormant, and that I should have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I gave up on therapy months ago. I felt like it served no purpose and I was wasting money that could be spent elsewhere. I felt like the therapist wanted me to focus on the things that H had done throughout our pre-A M that had hurt me in an effort to get me to move on. Her focus was on healing me, not a broken M, since I was the person sitting in her office and H was miles away (literally and figuratively).

At this point, I figure whatever happens I'll pick myself up and slog onward without a biweekly $50 copay. wink
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 02/15/12 03:07 PM
"It was a bit uncomfortable at times given the situation with my ex and his family (Which I think I explained here before) which made me feel both uncomfortable and guilty at the same time."

Have you apologised to BH's family yet? You need to repair the damage not only to you and BH but to them

"But still the day wasn't about me or my ex it was about my baby girl and i made damn sure she knew that."

So you want aplause and praise for being a mom? Get real.

"Didn't really speak with my EX during the party"

Plan A is an all the time thing not just when it's convient.

"but we got to have a chat afterwards and it was a great opportunity to make some deposits in his love bank."

Good but relationship talks is not plan A'ing.

"We mostly spoke about the kids and how they're handling this but we also got a chance to talk about us and where we go from here."

This is not plan A'ing.

It's not important why your shrink or you think you had an affair because it is only blame shifting. You put a spin on things so you could justify doing something that you knew was wrong. So you did OM/BH's friend a double betrayal.

What is important is that you have ended your affair, learning to be honest, how not to have any more affairs.

Also under importance is that your OC turned out to be a COM/child of the marriage.

IF your BH ever wants to recover his won't have to put up with raising an OC. (yes there have been BH that knew and loved their OC as much as if it was a COM, though for some it was a deal breaker)

It has been known where recovery has happened even years past divorce. This is why you must do what has to be done all the time. That is plan A and make amends to BH and his family.
Posted By: markos Re: I ruined my life - 02/15/12 03:09 PM
Okay, so the childhood issues are not being blamed as the cause of the affair, and your therapist is helping you learn to accept consequences of your actions.

That's good! smile

Still, dwelling on the problems of the past is not all that helpful in the long run. The problems of the past can never really be "resolved."

I really encourage you to check out the Marriage Builders radio show; it can be like a free hour therapy session every day, from a clinical psychologist who ran a successful chain of mental health clinics for years. smile He talks a lot about therapy and resolving issues of the past and will give you a useful perspective.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: I ruined my life - 02/15/12 03:10 PM
Originally Posted by wulffpack_girl
It came out in therapy that I had daddy issues. Not a fear of abandonment, but I constantly sought approval from a dad who loved me, but was often too busy to show it.

Aaaaannnnnnddddd....so what?

It didn't give me the right to have an affair.

I wasn't raised to believe that an affair was an acceptable option. I saw the disastrous effects of infidelity and divorce on families third-hand through my extended family. My own parents were married - happily - for 43 years.

I trusted someone I shouldn't have. I relaxed my boundaries around someone who I had once loved 20 years earlier. I didn't understand the concept of a "love bank," and that this person already had an old LB$ with me, sitting dormant, and that I should have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I gave up on therapy months ago. I felt like it served no purpose and I was wasting money that could be spent elsewhere. I felt like the therapist wanted me to focus on the things that H had done throughout our pre-A M that had hurt me in an effort to get me to move on. Her focus was on healing me, not a broken M, since I was the person sitting in her office and H was miles away (literally and figuratively).

At this point, I figure whatever happens I'll pick myself up and slog onward without a biweekly $50 copay. wink


You are the new and improved WPG. Now to get your BH to see this. Last I remember you're BH is still living home so you better be plan A'ing.
Posted By: Maryse Re: I ruined my life - 02/15/12 04:10 PM
It really bugs me when therapist start finding 'the reasons why' or 'the root cause' in some childhood experience.

Most of us got raised to our parents best knowledge and abilities, and sure, they all dropped the ball at some point or another for raising kids does not come with a manual.

However, having had something happen to you when you were young does not negate the fact that you KNOW right from wrong when it comes to having sex with somebody who is not your husband/wife.

This is where your personal boundaries do their job, they stop you acting on something you know very well is the wrong thing to do.

You can spend hours upon hours in therapy dissecting your childhood but if you do not make sure to have personal boundaries in place, it will mount to nothing.

It's all very well knowing where the water comes from, but you gotta build some flood defences to stop it flowing where you don't want it to go!
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I ruined my life - 02/15/12 07:20 PM
Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
just so long as i accept the fact that I'm going to have to move on without my husband and that most likely my relationship with my DH won't be saved

I'm curious.
Has this therapist been divorced?
More than once?

Edit to add:
Who knows what the future holds?
I certainly do not.
Posted By: RecoveryLady Re: I ruined my life - 02/16/12 01:42 AM
I think i need to clear a few things up. First of all my therapist has never tried to get me to blame shift. She has only ever tried to get me to understand that i don't have to live in the past. She more than anyone else has tried to get me to understand that my affair was no one's fault but my own. Also most of my therapy does not revolve around my marriage or its end it's mostly about trying to help me deal with other problems that happened in my life. Someone asked if my therapist is married and yes she has been for over 20 years.

I was also asked if i have apologized to my ex's family and yes i have but The real problem is their relationship with my ex. When my ex left the second time his family (his parents and all but one of the siblings) freaked out and basically told him he was a horrible person for leaving me. This led to a Huge argument and my ex has not spoken to them since. I have tried to get them to understand that this is not his fault and that he has every right to find happiness again but they are stubborn people and seldom change their mind.

I just want make this perfectly clear i in no way am passing off the blame for my affair to anyone other than myself. I understand that my poor boundaries and pathetic justifications are what allowed this affair to happen and nothing else. Also i like to come here to read and occasionally just vent my frustrations in a post besides my therapist i don't really have anyone to talk to about this (I lost a lot of friends because of my selfish actions) so please do not confuse a rent with an attempt to get sympathy. i like to come here for the anonymity and the fact i can be honest nothing more. So i will sum it up for this way I'm not looking for sympathy just for Some honest advice and occasionally a sounding board.
Posted By: fifteenyears Re: I ruined my life - 02/16/12 02:08 AM
Originally Posted by wulffpack_girl
It came out in therapy that I had daddy issues. Not a fear of abandonment, but I constantly sought approval from a dad who loved me, but was often too busy to show it.

Aaaaannnnnnddddd....so what?

It didn't give me the right to have an affair.

I wasn't raised to believe that an affair was an acceptable option. I saw the disastrous effects of infidelity and divorce on families third-hand through my extended family. My own parents were married - happily - for 43 years.

I trusted someone I shouldn't have. I relaxed my boundaries around someone who I had once loved 20 years earlier. I didn't understand the concept of a "love bank," and that this person already had an old LB$ with me, sitting dormant, and that I should have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

I gave up on therapy months ago. I felt like it served no purpose and I was wasting money that could be spent elsewhere. I felt like the therapist wanted me to focus on the things that H had done throughout our pre-A M that had hurt me in an effort to get me to move on. Her focus was on healing me, not a broken M, since I was the person sitting in her office and H was miles away (literally and figuratively).

At this point, I figure whatever happens I'll pick myself up and slog onward without a biweekly $50 copay. wink


Ditto to what WPG just said...every last word! That is why my husband stopped going to therapy because he felt like he was being picked on. He recently admitted to me that it was our last session with our therapist that turned him in the other direction. I stopped listening to her and started posting on here. Much better advice at a lot better price!
Posted By: Neak Re: I ruined my life - 02/16/12 08:02 PM
Yep, the price here is hard to beat. You could even say this place is priceless. smile
Posted By: Retycon Re: I ruined my life - 07/31/12 09:51 PM
I honestly don't know what to say. This is one of the saddest affair stories I have ever read. 25 year relationship/15 year marriage all thrown away because of an insecurity? That is unbelievable and really really sad. You guys knew each other when you were basically children (15-16) and the fact that you could do this to him is sickening to me.

I am not bashing you or anythng but simply stating that I have no sympathy for you. Your actions have led to the loss of the love of his life, his best friend (though he has equal blame), his home/wealth, and even his own family! His daughters will grow up in a broken home. To top it all off, you will probably move on and find someone else while he will have to spend the rest of his life second guessing all of his friends and potential girlfriends/wife.

Is he dating anyone currently? What about you? I wish you the best of luck.
Posted By: Viper Re: I ruined my life - 07/31/12 09:56 PM
Are you completely incapable of reading comprehension?? You've been told this type of post is inappropriate, so knock it off!
Posted By: Prisca Re: I ruined my life - 07/31/12 09:58 PM
Rety, what's your story?
Posted By: Retycon Re: I ruined my life - 07/31/12 10:17 PM
Fine. I will stop offering hard truths but you people are too easy on wayward spouses. This si precisely why people do not fear committing wrongs because they know people will be easy going on them.
Posted By: Prisca Re: I ruined my life - 07/31/12 10:20 PM
Originally Posted by Retycon
Fine. I will stop offering hard truths but you people are too easy on wayward spouses. This si precisely why people do not fear committing wrongs because they know people will be easy going on them.

rotflmao
First time we've been accused of THAT.

What's your story?
Posted By: Viper Re: I ruined my life - 07/31/12 10:21 PM
Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Retycon
Fine. I will stop offering hard truths but you people are too easy on wayward spouses. This si precisely why people do not fear committing wrongs because they know people will be easy going on them.

rotflmao
First time we've been accused of THAT.

What's your story?

LOL...I was just gonna say the same thing.
Posted By: markos Re: I ruined my life - 07/31/12 11:27 PM
Originally Posted by Retycon
Fine. I will stop offering hard truths but you people are too easy on wayward spouses. This si precisely why people do not fear committing wrongs because they know people will be easy going on them.

Have you ever heard the phrase "When in Rome, do as the Romans do?"

You have just entered Rome, and you are acting like a Greek or a Gaul or something.

Dr. Harley has the plan here; the focus of the site is to learn and discuss his concepts and methods. If you think you can do better, the correct procedure is not to log on and tell everybody that we're wrong for repeating Dr. Harley's advice. The correct approach is to hang out your own shingle (start your own website) and work from there.

Besides, you are contradicting yourself. In one place you say you are here to find out if recovery is possible in your situation, but in this post you say your purpose is to tell everybody else what we are doing wrong.

Make up your mind: do you want some help recovering your marriage, or are you here to offer us help? Because most of us get our help from Dr. Harley and his decades of experience, not random strangers like you who just showed up out of nowhere. smile If you'd like help, we're happy to help!
Posted By: maritalbliss Re: I ruined my life - 08/01/12 12:16 AM
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Fine. I will stop offering hard truths but you people are too easy on wayward spouses.
:::snort::: You're new to these parts, aren't you. [Linked Image from pic4ever.com] Oh, they earn their wings here.

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This si precisely why people do not fear committing wrongs because they know people will be easy going on them.
And this statement is just silly when you're talking about this site. You haven't been here long enough to know squat about Marriage Builders, obviously.

"Is" is spelled "is" - just an FYI. smile
Posted By: ConstantProcess Re: I ruined my life - 08/01/12 05:33 PM
Easy on them?
Let's see, it's a Christian site, the old testament law was to stone wayward spouses....

Do ya feel like that is the answer ?

Oh the torture and pain that comes from a lying adultrous other half can certainly merit revenge, but isn't it more torturous to keep them alive so they can squirm and suffer?

Oh they suffer, unless and even if they repent. " The worm doesnt die" ( the conscience)

But in the intrest of those who reject the God of this world, here at MB no adulerer gets off with a slap on the wrist and a wink, but they do get forgiveness once they repent.

The world is a tricky place and it tries to eat you up
This place is innthe business of restoration

To easy? They have allready shot themselves in the foot, if we weren't here do you think a person with a conscience wouldn't STILL suffer? Do you feel thier consequences would not follow them and make thier life hell anyway?

Yeah ... Lol... Yeah
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