True Repentance or not?? - 02/18/12 07:23 PM
Dear Dr. Harley,
Seven months ago I had caught my husband having an affair through emails and phone records. He had denied any sexual contact with this woman and after calling the woman I had found out that he was having sexual contact with her. After I had confronted him he admitted to having multiple affairs throughout our seven years of marriage. The first affair started our first year of marriage. The first year of marriage, I caught him on several �adult� chat rooms and other internet porn sites. He had eventually met these women having sex with them or picking up women up from the bars when he was on travel. We are both Christians, have a four year old and had custody of his eight year old son. I had heard through his co-workers about the affair he had during the first year of our marriage. He denied the affair (with a maid at the hotel he was staying in on travel) until he had finally came clean when I caught him the last time.
Although he came clean, crying and stating he was a horrible husband, he didn�t stop. I filed for divorce and told him I was giving him the four months (pending finalization of the divorce) to change his ways. He moved out of state to his town where he grew up. Although he had agreed to work on himself and change, I had learned that he was still on chat rooms and trying to date women on those sites. He had taken all the money he had in our bank account (from a settlement he received) leaving me and the kids with nothing. He gave his 8-year old son back to his mother. After he moved he quickly started dating a woman he met on a dating site. He since had dated several others. He blamed me the entire time, stating if I was more intimate, more affectionate, more this, more that he wouldn�t have been led to affairs. He even called me after moving to rub in my face that the women he was dating were everything I wasn�t!
I went through some intense intimacy with the Lord during this past seven months. I grew very strong through the word. I didn�t not date anyone or even look for someone as directed by the Lord. I knew I wasn�t ready for another relationship and didn�t want to be caught into temptation of fornication or anything else that would set me back because I was hurting.
Our divorce is now final and he came to me while intimate with another woman and told me he missed his family and wanted to work things out. He stated that God had shown him how horrible of a man he was. He broke off his relationship with the other woman and started going back to church. He attended divorce care classes through his church and bought me a car because mine broke down (He had taken the nicer vehicle when he left). I am having a difficult time because since he has been calling, all that I thought was healed has resurfaced. He doesn�t discuss anything with me if I don�t ask in reference to the past. He wants to forget about it. I told him I don�t trust him due to all the lies and deceit. I am also having a difficult time with the images of he and ALL those women, including the internet stuff. I am not sure If he is genuine. I lived with a very selfish man who lived for his own self pleasure. Although he recently bought me a car (spent $4, 600) he went and bought with cash a $20,000 vehicle for himself the same week. I feel that he is still self-centered and he acts like tolerating my constant questioning is enough. Part of me wants to run and hide from him, never looking back however, part of me doesn�t want to miss the potential of being with the �good� husband in him I never had. I just don�t know how to tell if someone is genuine and humbled. How do you know its God at work and not just someone running with a temporary emotion?
Seven months ago I had caught my husband having an affair through emails and phone records. He had denied any sexual contact with this woman and after calling the woman I had found out that he was having sexual contact with her. After I had confronted him he admitted to having multiple affairs throughout our seven years of marriage. The first affair started our first year of marriage. The first year of marriage, I caught him on several �adult� chat rooms and other internet porn sites. He had eventually met these women having sex with them or picking up women up from the bars when he was on travel. We are both Christians, have a four year old and had custody of his eight year old son. I had heard through his co-workers about the affair he had during the first year of our marriage. He denied the affair (with a maid at the hotel he was staying in on travel) until he had finally came clean when I caught him the last time.
Although he came clean, crying and stating he was a horrible husband, he didn�t stop. I filed for divorce and told him I was giving him the four months (pending finalization of the divorce) to change his ways. He moved out of state to his town where he grew up. Although he had agreed to work on himself and change, I had learned that he was still on chat rooms and trying to date women on those sites. He had taken all the money he had in our bank account (from a settlement he received) leaving me and the kids with nothing. He gave his 8-year old son back to his mother. After he moved he quickly started dating a woman he met on a dating site. He since had dated several others. He blamed me the entire time, stating if I was more intimate, more affectionate, more this, more that he wouldn�t have been led to affairs. He even called me after moving to rub in my face that the women he was dating were everything I wasn�t!
I went through some intense intimacy with the Lord during this past seven months. I grew very strong through the word. I didn�t not date anyone or even look for someone as directed by the Lord. I knew I wasn�t ready for another relationship and didn�t want to be caught into temptation of fornication or anything else that would set me back because I was hurting.
Our divorce is now final and he came to me while intimate with another woman and told me he missed his family and wanted to work things out. He stated that God had shown him how horrible of a man he was. He broke off his relationship with the other woman and started going back to church. He attended divorce care classes through his church and bought me a car because mine broke down (He had taken the nicer vehicle when he left). I am having a difficult time because since he has been calling, all that I thought was healed has resurfaced. He doesn�t discuss anything with me if I don�t ask in reference to the past. He wants to forget about it. I told him I don�t trust him due to all the lies and deceit. I am also having a difficult time with the images of he and ALL those women, including the internet stuff. I am not sure If he is genuine. I lived with a very selfish man who lived for his own self pleasure. Although he recently bought me a car (spent $4, 600) he went and bought with cash a $20,000 vehicle for himself the same week. I feel that he is still self-centered and he acts like tolerating my constant questioning is enough. Part of me wants to run and hide from him, never looking back however, part of me doesn�t want to miss the potential of being with the �good� husband in him I never had. I just don�t know how to tell if someone is genuine and humbled. How do you know its God at work and not just someone running with a temporary emotion?