hi to all mine is a long story so will post it in parts

before i begin my heartfelt admirations to all those dedicating their time for saving numerous marriages this is my story we are both married for 8 years i never doubted his loyalty for past 6 years but since he went to another state for a fellowship prog he was showing subtle changes when he came back from his studies i found out from his phone calls that he was close to a subordinate there when i asked him he said he did like her but theirs was a sister brother relation after a lot of persuasion he agreed to stop relation so he went to see her again (in another state) but it apparently didnt stop now found some letters in which she addresses him as brother but says she cant live without him she needs to see him etc she cannot share him with anyone else etc etc recently he had apparently gone to see her while he told me he was going for a conference our relation was smooth till he went for this conference now its become bad again he avoids talking to me totally what is this relation can anyone explain and please help me
there are a lot more details will explain in the next post

athira. Affairs thrive on secrecy so the first step in killing one is to expose to people of influence in the waywards life. This brings it to light and makes the waywards face their actions. It helps to kill the fantasy (fog) of the affair because everyone is now watching.

Here is a link to read more about exposure:

exposure 101

Before exposing, I would slap a keylogger on the computer and spyware on his phone.

Don't allow WH to leave town again without you. I think this may be more than an EA if OW is saying that she cannot live without him. I'm sorry. Prepare yourself for this possibility.

I'M sorry you find yourself in this devastating position. MB can help you.

Do you have details on the OW such as whether she is married and where she lives?

What are your ages and do you have kids?

Please use shorter paragraphs. It will make your story much easier to read.

i have read this site have exposed this matter to his family and one of his close friends wife right now in plan A
these are the details am 33 he is 37 and we have 2 kids aged 7 and and 4 ow is 25 and she is unmarried from her letters i realised that she is emotionally distant from her family
soon after i discovered their relation he tried to persuade me to talk to her then he said i will realise how good human being she is
he said unless am able to prove that her intentions are wrong he will not stop talking to her
then i conceded and talked to her in front of him asked her how relation started she said she found him as a honest and nice man initially they called once in a while later it became frequent she asked me what she should do to prove their pure relation is said to stop talking to him although she tried to convince me against this i was persistent so she said she liked me and didnt want to disturb our relation so she will not call him again but i know she had called him the very next day
this continued and when his results came he said he will go to meet his professors to thank em and to tell ow that their relation was causing me pain so he wanted to stop this relation i believed it but when he came back i found hotel receipt with her name and number on it while he had told me he had stayed in study place hostel with his friend after this it is the last incident i mentioned when he said he was going for a conference while he had gone to the place where she stays but dont know what happened after that

BY THE WAY HE DOESNT ALLOW ME TO TOUCH HIS PHONE

after i exposed to his mom he is trying to converse with me but still maintaining the distance

athira, "he won't allow me to touch his phone" is a HUGE red flag. Can you get into it while he is asleep? In the shower?

yes i have checked his phone while he is on shower didnt get much coz he deletes em just found a few messages in her friends name one of em is like (only one thing remains with me always ;memories)

i mentioned that i dont have access to the phone except for a few sec while he is on shower hence am unable to install any spyware on his phone

can anybody tell me honestly whether there is a remote possibility that this is just a sister brother relation since i dont have any specific evidence
or is it definitely an affair

how can somebody call a lover a sister or brother ?
thats why am confused

Exactly, to confuse you.


I love my own brother dearly...but I would never say these words to him. That would be inappropriate and down right bizarre.

You would be naive to think she's "just a sister". It doesn't matter what they think they need to have no contact to keep your marriage safe. Expose to everyone, same day. Get her family/friends from Facebook, send a message to each one, one minute apart so you don't get shut down before you're done. He needs to agree to open honesty between the two of you, there is no "phone is off limits" in an honest marriage! He is having an affair, it doesn't matter if emotional or physical, it's a matter of time and it's both anyway. He's trying to keep you intimidated so you won't upset his cake eating world, don't let it work!

thanks a lot i just wanted to confirm my intuition
but how should i make him realise or accept that this is an affair and he is doing wrong to me? the only good thing is that he never wants to leave me but when he is maintaining this distance its very painful



he says since he doesnt or not interested in checking my phone or mails i should also give him his privacy but i have never told him not to check my phone or mails mine is open coz i dont have anything to hide from him


2 weeks back i saw ow name and adrress(workplace address) entered in autofill option of our laptop beneath it 2 days later i found his name and address entered
what is it used for can it be used for booking tickets or visa
he had told me he is going for another conference to a foreign place immediately when he came back from last conference
few days back i switched off the autofill option unknowingly
he probably realised i found out he has deleted it now can anyone help me on this
i am quite sure this is happening with knowledge of her friends since once i had gone to his study place that time i was not aware of this relation she had gone to her native place but her friends were quite cold in their behaviour he showed me a pen which was apparently given by her but he told me one of his admirer has given and didnot allow me to meet this admirer coz i got wild when i heard

he usually uses a ball pen the gift was an ink pen he had bought an ink bottle and was using this pen everyday he was using it even when he came back but i said it s painful that he is using an object with so much passion slowly he stopped using it

i dont have her family address or contact anyway will find soon and contact em
thanks alot for advice its very much useful

What is this "brother/sister" stuff, does he work for a church or something?

No, just because he says you should give him his privacy doesn't mean you should. BOTH of your phone records, passwords, etc. should be known by each other. You aren't giving him cause for concern, but he IS giving you reason to mistrust him! What he has developed is an emotional affair and it usually develops into a physical affair if continued. He should not have any items a girl gave him, not a pen or otherwise.

It is up to YOU to set your boundaries and convey them to him and up to YOU to ensure they're carried out! You can install a keylogger on your computer to track what he's writing. He should not be traveling without you either. Go with him! Tell him you want to spend some time with him.

athira. It is often said here that privacy is for when he is using the bathroom. It does not extend to the type of privacy that would allow him to have a secret second life.

yes you are right am in terrible pain now i do realise that this is definitely an affair and he is cheating on me for the past 2years ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
its very very painful he never showed any signs though or did i miss em
i dont know what to do !!!!!!!!!!!!

he doesnt do any friendly conversations anymore
just only things which are required are talked
he is stranger to me now
i guess we are both in withdrawal
i want to cry but am not able to

right now he is busy doing insurance health and others where i am nominee he does keep talking to his relatives of his plans to start construction for our home currently we are in rented house

is he trying to divert others from knowing his affair or is it honest plans
are these signs that he wants me /like me and kids

am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A partial exposure doesn't work, I would do a full exposure, you know it's a EA, and probably a PA as well. Read up on here about exposures...get her contacts from FB and send a message to each of them one minute apart. Do EVERYONE at once, his family, your family, friends.

He will be mad, they usually are, don't worry about that. Tell him you are fighting for your marriage, just keep repeating that. Don't cave in to him or let him scare you. Have a list of conditions ready by which you'll stay in the marriage. If he's not ready for that, go to plan B, you can't keep putting yourself through this pain. Top on the list is he is to write her a no contact letter which you will mail. He is to never see/speak to her again for any reason. You may have to move, change email address, phone numbers, job, church, etc. so she can't make contact. A restraining order is sometimes needed to help enforce things. Only if she is out of your marriage will it have a chance.

You also need to have all passwords, access to his phone/s, computer, etc. Make sure he is telling you the truth by checking up on him, get a VAR, keylogger, anything that's needed to doublecheck on him and as he tells you the truth and is life is transparent, it will slowly rebuild your trust. If he is not willing, there is not hope for the marriage.

hi am sorry didnt reply for long didnt want my hus to know am using this sight my problem is that there is not enough evidence to expose he is very cunning and can change things against me in a very tricky way
the last time i mentioned about the hotel receipt in his front of his and my family he said that he said that it was a dine only hotel and there were no lodging there
he said he had arranged dinner party for his colleagues after passing exam and some naughty girl friend had deliberately given the ow name and phone number to trouble him
he got wild saying how can u say i slept with another girl when i hadnt even mentioned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 it i just asked him an explanation for that
he said am very suspicious women who doesnt entertain even talking normally to colleagues
after this even my parents turned against me they said am troubling him unnecessarily

Hi Athira, sorry you are in this situation... I'm not a vet and stand to be corrected, but wanted to offer support.

Your WH is gaslighting you... convincing you he is not having an affair and making out to others you are deluded. Its what many waywards do to undermine the betrayed spouse. My WH did it to me. There was no affair, there was no-one else, and even after friends had told me of his affair, he was "just friends" with her. Its cruel, but right now, you need to rise above it. Stop listening to your WH's fog. My WH still has never admitted to an A. STILL. He spoke in riddles, and likely still does. Remember, if a wayward can't convince others of his lies, he will delude a far more gullible subject - himself.

Since you can't control his actions, control yours. Take control. Take action.

Sooo, what snooping have you done? So far you have said you can't access his phone, it doesn't seem you have installed a keylogger on his computer, and no PI is involved. You KNOW he is having an A. My instincts knew it too (and luckily I found MB'ers to educate me). I look back at how paralyzed I was, how powerless I felt at the time... that is what gaslighting does. You want to believe your WH. But every ounce of logic suggests otherwise. After all, you likely know your H better than anyone, and all of a sudden he is acting a stranger.

Start getting with the plans. Plan A. Snoop. Expose. And keep Plan A'ing until (or if) you enter Plan B.

And take care of yourself. It ain't easy. Eat, sleep, breathe and be kind to YOU.

thanks a lot
am trying my best to snoop
looking for good snooping material and ways to buy em
i informed my mil and seems supporting
but she was quiet a hell before infact the emotional distancing we had was because of problems she created
was having hell time with her

that is another long story
any way am happy to find this site
it offers great support
so many things he lied to me !!!!!!!!!!!!
his so many beHaviours match that of a wayward

Glad to hear from you Athira. What are you doing to snoop? I'm worried that time is passing with little progress...

Just a word of caution... be careful of revealing your plans / snooping to MIL. The old saying, "blood is thicker than water" usually rings true. Snoop, and then expose. That way you have evidence to tell / show.

In my sitch, I had no evidence and still exposed regardless. My WH's family believed me, however I think WH got access to my exposure email and started spinning it so that he met OW just before I exposed rather than the truth that he was leaving me for her. I did the best with what I had, and don't regret exposing at all. I do wish I had been able to obtain evidence though, as only recently have I gotten this and WH's family can now see WH gaslit them after my initial exposure.

Remember that each day it is likely the affair is becoming more entrenched. So the quicker you snoop, the more effective your exposure may be. It can be better to expose with what you have than allow the affair to become more entrenched.

Do you have OW's FB friend list?

Have you got your exposure target list ready?

Don't tell MIL about your snooping! If she asks again act unsuspicious.

Act cool around WH too, get him to relax and slip up.

Get a keylogger, GPS, VARs, a PI if you can.

Find OWs FB page and copy all her contacts

Next time you get great evidence like that hotel receipt don't tell the wayward!!!!As you have seen they just spin it to make you seem crazy and jealous.

You would instead do a full NUCLEAR exposure without his knowledge.

Have you read Exposure 101 thread?

hi thanks for the advice
when i exposed to my mil
it backfired she is telling everyone that i want to leave him thats why am cooking up stories she is like a doctor can talk to nurses there is nothing wrong in it

this mil is basically the reason for all my problems

she has been troubling me and parents since our marriage
basically he was financially very low at time of marriage
and am from financially sound family
he had seen my profile through a newspaper advert and after getting good opinion from my colleagues in college
(without my knowledge ) he had approached my parents

that time he made his mom tell my parents that financially he was in good position to look after me even though he was only doing his higher studies
but only after marriage did we realise that his familial proprerty was under loan for his studies and the marriage expenses were also under loan
he told me he needed money to repay marriage expenses so he will take leave from studies for 6 months and repay his loans by doing ajob
i said we will get money from father and later repay him (he was expecting this obviously)
whatever money we got from father was over by 3 months he just had his stipend to live while our house rent was more than the stipend so i said i will stay in my parents while i do my post graduation
he initially accepted but later made a big scene
he told my father that i am his wife and i have to live with him
ok i went back 2 months later i got pregnant i had severe vomiting he never looked after me i had to go alone to the hospital alone everything i had to do alone he just wanted me for sexual needs but there was nothing in return
so when i had chance to go back home by 7 months pregnancy i left home (it happens that way here by 7 months wife goes home for delivery socially acceptable ) although he wanted me to stay

but i didnt coz iwas scared he just wanted me to stay so his daily routine will not be affected
he never realises that to get one has to give love
ha its very long story i need to go to work now will post it later
am trying to post this so that u get a good picture of character and help me in mending him and mine too if necessary

there have been times when i was down with vomiting and when he comes to me all he wanted was sex
there are no questions like so u are not well u take rest instead
he will be like why didnt you wash my clothes
or why havent u ironed them properly

hi am trying my best to convince my parents for snooping since our accounts are joint am unable to purchase anything alone
need my parents help
i have asked em to read marriage builders
am just hoping they will consend
i dont know if anyone is reading my posts
but i feel better by just writing down my fears and apprehensions

Athira, you have trickled out exposure and given your WH time to cover his tracks and make it look like you are a whacko suspicious wife. Stop doing that. You have alerted him of your suspicions and he will be that much more careful.

As far as snooping goes: can you get your WH's cell phone record online? It will show itemized billing, so you can see what numbers he's calling and texting.

And you keep talking about all these letters between them. How is it that you have seen these? Is your WH showing them to you? If so, he is undoubtedly showing you only the benign letters - the steamier ones are hidden somewhere. Your WH screwed up when he showed you the letter where she says she won't share him with anyone else - he obviously forgot she'd written that.

She's calling him 'brother' because he told her to in order to allay your suspicions.

Go through every nook and cranny in your apartment and see if you can find other letters. Every nook and cranny - check the attic, look for loose floor boards in the closet, etc.

Find that Ho on Facebook and copy down her friends list. Does your WH have a Facebook account?

Stop talking about this to relatives for right now. Stop talking to your WH about it as well. I know that's going to be hard, but you want him to think he managed to gaslight you into believing there's nothing between the two of them.

ETA: Do you still have access to those letters? Make copies of them. Make copies of everything you find and keep it all in a safe place that your WH can't find.

athira;

Take mb's advice. You are going to have to be smarter and more tricky in your research.

What emotional/family/friends support do you have now? You mentioned your parents, are they supportive of you?

This sounds like an arranged marriage, is this so? What is the attitude about cheating in this type of arrangement? (are you going to get support from your family/community?)

MB is a great resource for builing a great marriage. I am glad you are here. Keep reading and posting.

hi thanks for the reply
my family understands my problem but they want me to keep quiet in the hope that some day he will change but when???
unfortunately my friends also empathise but never are willing to help
he is a big shot here and everyone is so scared of him
yes you were absolutely right ""he had taught her to call him brother thats what she mentions in the letters"""


now these are actually not letters but [/color]some of her dairy notes
i discovered them from his suitcase in which he keeps his certificates
i do have access to em he keeps asking me to get some files from them
but never likes me changing the order in which he kept it
one day i just noticed it while searching for a file this one had some native language
i didnt mention it then but when he left for this last conference and when my kids were asleep and i was alone i read them only then did i realise how deep the relation was
[color:#FF0000]he still is not aware that i have seen these notes
this was given as a gift by her when he came from his study place i still dont understand why he left it there when there was always a chance that i will find them
yes i made xerox copies of them and saved it in a safe place not in my house
i have stealed sim card from his purse which he used in the study place am just waiting to get a sim card reader to read em i need your support
i have full belief im mb and will try my best to follow em

today and tomorrow i will be at my inlaws home so will not be able to post although i will be able to read em via mobile



his present strategy is to leave kids at my inlaws place another way of hurting me its vacation time and i hate this period
since we are both working and he doesnt keep a time full time servant to look after kids i have to leave em atleast for some time
my inlaws dont like looking after kids but they act so in front of my husband i just cant help it

Does the OW have Facebook?

What do you know about her? Is she married?

Have you read this? How to survive an Affair

as advised by you am keeping quiet abt it to my inlaws right now
i wish i could communicate from my inlaws home so that you can advise me on how to react to them

i dont want see them as my enemies and want to have a cordial relation with em but it always ends with they finding some fault in front of my husband

What do these diary notes say? Proof of an affair?

those notes are definitely not like between brother and sister she means much more to him
even today i saw her message wishing him april fool and he wishing her back happy birthday
its killing me
am just irritated angry frustrated
am just holding on because of kids
u know the only thing lacking in our reLATION WAS AN AFFAIR
OTHERWISE HE WAS A COMPLETE FAILURE
HE always diowned my parents was never there when in
needed him
everything looking after children paying the bills household work everything was my responsibility

if at all he did anything that was after a lot of whinning
but he acts as though he is the best husband in front of others
he wants to maintain a good dsocial image but he is actually not one
ha i wish i could cry

Sorry if we've missed it athira, but please answer brain's questions... they are important. Refresh our memories...

Well done on this! Now Athira, you need to up the anti and follow the steps. SNOOP MORE!

1. Borrow from your parents or friends the funds to get the snooping equipment. Explain you need to know the truth, because nothing is more hurtful than lies. Get spyware on WH's phone, keylogger on computer, VAR and GPS in his car.

2. Check out your WH's accounts you have access to. Phone records, FB (do you know his passwords?), bank account records. Check out that sim card you have (sorry, I am ignorant about card readers so can't offer any help!)

3. Check OW's FB. Copy and paste her friend list into a word document and store it somewhere safe. Can you access her wall and friend list? If not, set up a fake FB account and send her a friend request.

Tell us what you have done on this, and what it reveals. You need to get ready for a massive exposure. But your first step is to get the evidence so everyone believes you. The photocopies is a good step. You need to do more and do it quickly.

Make notes Athira on the suggestions made on this board. And then check them off as you do them. It is easy to get overwhelmed during betrayal, but don't miss the advice that is coming in. Follow it. You can do this. Take CONTROL by taking ACTION.

hi caracal nice to hear from you i am sorry just overread ur advice
yes she is 25 unmarried woman
a nurse by occupation and my hus a doctor we are both doctors
was working in the same icu as his while my hus was at study place today i googled her new no and found it located to same state where we stay ? danger signal
got very up set
i have stored it
yes i know her on fb and her friends but am not her friend
i had my hus fb password too but now hes changed it too app he never had known i had em
but i made a mistake by accessing his fb from my phone and it sent this message to my hus
yak my mistake
ok i will read the sim card as soon as possible
try snooping more
but pls be with me i need a lot of advice

she has her cousin and brother on fb as friends

my hus doesnt have her name on his freinds list but has two of her friends on his friends list (weird)
these two have no details on their websites except thgeir names

Btw if they were engaged in an illicit relationship at the same hospital, would that have constituted a crime or severe infraction of hospital polic?. I too am a physician and the hospital would frown upon such a thing. You need to expose this widely including her place of employment. I'm sorry this is happening. He is not the husband you knew. He is someone else right now. A drug seeker. OW is his drug and he will do anything to have that drug. U know how addicts are, no?