In those clips, Kim blames the fighting on her OM-H's problems with his children and "holding his feelings inside", blah blah blah, but what Dr Harley tries to tell her is that this is typical for affairages (renters).
He explains to her in the clip: "95% of all affairs die a natural death. Only 5% make it to marriage. Of those that become married, 70% get divorced and those 30% that remain married, generally are like your marriage. In other words, you are likely to keep fighting for the rest of your lives together unless we do something really radical."
This topic is very relevant to my situation as my children are being subjected to STBX and OW4 awful fighting (yelling, swearing, crying) A LOT. The kids' counselor has recommended that OW4 not be involved in any visitations for a period of time and STBX has agreed to anger management. I doubt it will help.
As my MB friend told me when I expressed my shock at STBX's abusive sounding relationship with OW4 (he's supposedly madly in love with her after all), this is typical for a renter's relationship. Dr Harley explains more about this in the cohabitation article.
As a result, instead of trying to blend their lives together by making win-win decisions that are mutually beneficial, they tend to make win-lose decisions that violate the Policy of Joint Agreement.
When they marry, each spouse tries to be on the winning end of each decision as often as possible. They fight for control which creates a very abusive relationship. Eventually they stop showing any consideration at all for each other, making completely independent decisions. A couple that may have appeared to be compatible when they first lived together, eventually become incompatible as their independent decisions and lifestyles destroy their love for each other.
When a problem arises, they don't usually consider win-win solutions that work for both of them. Instead, they regularly rely on win-lose solutions that involve sacrifice on the part of at least one partner. "I'll give in this time if it will make you happy."
This strategy can work if problems are few and relatively simple to solve. But as soon as life becomes complicated, the way it eventually gets when children arrive, win-lose strategies create frustration and resentment when sacrifice is required of a spouse. It invariably leads to fights -- who will be the one to sacrifice next? So, with the introduction of complex problems such as raising children, marriages based on a Renter's agreement become very abusive.
Sorry to ramble. It still surprises me how bang on Dr Harley is with this stuff.
I laughed when she said that!!
