well i am not sure where to start exactly so ill just start at the very beginning

my wife and i have known each other for 13 years now we have been married for 8 of those
my wife is currently on vacation to visit her "friends" which i at first thought was a good idea for her since she had been frustrated with a lot of things and i had thought it would be good for her to get away and relax a little
my first indicators as to how wrong i was where about a month before her vacation started instead of sleeping in our bed she started sleeping on the couch saying she had to get used to sleeping alone
then she told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me and started to pull away when i was trying to hug or kiss her
all that made me depressed at that time and i just let her have her way

after she had been on her vacation for a month she told me that she wants a divorce when she comes back which shocked me but the worst part was yet to come
about a week after she told me about wanting a divorce i found out that she was sleeping with her "friend"
i dont know if i should have waited for her to come back before i told her that i know but i couldnt keep it hidden i never lied to her was always completely honest so i told her that i found out about it she first denied it until i showed her proof
at first she got very upset about it accused me of spying on her and all that but also said that she is no longer sleeping with him that they decided to just be friends
since then she has apologized for hurting me and for sleeping with him but she still wants to get a divorce ASAP and move to the place shes currently vacationing at
she says that she has been feeling the healthiest and happiest over there in many years
and that even if she doesnt move she still wants a divorce she is putting most of the blame on me and if i am completely honest she has some valid points i have not paid as much attention to her as i could have but she makes it sound as if i was never there for her

we still talk almost every day about what she is doing on her vacation about whats going on here like everything is normal and there is no real plans for divorce or her leaving the country in the future

but what do i do from now on?
she is still on vacation for another 3 weeks i want to save our marriage and told her so and that i am willing to improve on spending more time with her but she says there is no hope

do i support her on the divorce or do i make it more difficult for her ? she does not have a job and no real income either so i was thinking about making her pay for the divorce herself and make her help pay of our debts before i fully agree to it

i am just really confused and still hurt by her betrayal
i want to save our marriage if that is even still possible at this point ?

Welcome to MB's Yuki.

My senses tell me that you are being treated like a mushroom here with regards to what your WW is up to. Your being kept in the dark and fed a lot of Bull sheet.

You gave her info on your spying info and now this A has gone further underground. Do you have any way to verify they are only friends now? Pretty hard to undo once it has been done. Sorry to be so blunt.

Have you done much reading on the site? This would be a great place to start.

Basic Concepts

Also for our information how old are you? How many or are there children and their ages?

Responses can be a little slow on the weekends so hang tight and others will be along.

Again welcome and sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances.

nESRE

i am 32 and my wife is 31
i should probably also mention that my wife is not per say a healthy person she has a illness that requires her to be on medication daily to even live a halfway normal life which also prevents us from having children

i can not really prove that the A is really over that is true but i want to believe my wife but maybe i am being too naive

she had posted pictures of her and her "best friend" on FB before i told her i found out she had even changed her profile picture which she now changed back to one of her alone
but i guess im just adding to the argument that the A is just being hidden from me now..

i have done a lot of reading on the site which helped me to realize where i should have acted different to prevent this from ever happening but i am afraid that it might be too late now

Yuki

I don't think your too late but you will need to take agressive action on your part by following the MB plan here.

Carrot and stick of Plan A

Make sure to read all of this. Are you familiar with this and do you have questions about any part of Plan A?

With your WW gone for 3 more weeks on vacation this would be hard to pull off from a distance. Is there any way you can just show up uannounced and join her on the vacation?

Why would you vacation seperately?

nESRE

i have not read that article yet but will do so right now

that she is on a vacation by herself is the fault of her bilogical father
he and her mother got a divorce way back in the day and he was going thru some hardships with his wife dying of cancer and my wife got into contact with him during this time
he gave her the vacation as a present since he was feeling bad about not being able to be there for her when she was a child

i can not go to where she is atm my passport is not up to date and i dont have the finances for that trip either

i read thru the link you provided and my current plan included at least the carrot part

i am not sure about the exposure part atm im afraid that if i do that right now it will just drive her into the arms of her "friend"
since she is still gone for 3 more weeks
and even after that i am not sure if she could forgive me for exposing it the biggest fight we ever had in our marriage so far was when i discussed something that was between us with her mother

the only people that know about this atm is me ,her ,the "friend" and one more person that was with her when i told her i found out
to add even more to all this i know that the other friend has shown more than interest in her as well to the point where i am wondering if she might have slept with him as well
but she told me herself that that person was interested in her while she never mentioned that about the person i know she slept with

Yuki

I would study up all you can here right now and keep quiet to your WW about your studying right now. There will be more traffic going into the start of the work week so there will be others coming along to help with any questions you may have.

Don't give away any intell to your WW without running by others here first. Look at the operation investigate thread


Operation Investigate



and see if some means of spying may work so you know what is going on with where she is at.

At MB's we are big on having a plan of action. Many here will help you form a plan. All you have to do is ask for help.

It seems you have some time to plan before she will be back IRL.

Keep coming back.

Best to you

nESRE

yuki, every BS is afraid of exposure, at first, for the same reason you posted. however, your goal is to kill the affair, and exposure is what does it. your M can survive her anger. it cannot survive her ongoing infidelity.

i'm not saying you have to do it today, but you do need to do it. it's part of the programme and provides accountability.

lastly, YOU should not feel afraid of speaking the truth. SHE should be very afraid about the repercussions for her very poor behaviour. exposure only removes the cloak of secrecy, exposing the adultery for what it is. like lifting up a doormat and letting the light get rid of all those worms and bugs that hide in the damp underneath.

i might wait until a few days before she comes back home to tell her family what she did i know that this will cause a lot of problems since her brother went thru something very similar

his wife cheated on him and back then my wife was so upset and mad at his wife that i cant believe she did the same thing now
and i know her mother will be more than furious about this as well
and i want her father to know what he did that he helped to ruin her and my marriage just like he ruined his own in the past

but tbh i dont know if i can gather the courage to do this
because i know this will hurt her deeply and make her upset which is not going to be good for her health with her illness
i love her and care about her maybe too much i know im being pretty much a "doormat" atm

Yuki, you are enabling your wife. She is a grown woman, she must understand the consequences of her incredibly selfish and hurtful behavior towards you.

If you do NOT expose, your marriage will not survive. You must expose for BOTH of your sakes. There are many many wayward spouses who today thank their husband/wife for exposing, it broke up a happy illusion and took them out of their destructive, selfish fog of addiction. There are many cases on MB where the affair was smashed on the day of exposure. Look at SunnyDinT's thread. And most of the BSs who exposed were extremely nervous about doing so and said pretty much what you just said here. And they were then amazed at the effect of this powerful tool.

Yes, your WW will be mad as h*ll but you will say calmly, "I will do what it necessary to save our marriage. Here, want a cookie?" and be loving but firm in showing her that you are not going to keep enabling her, whether she is ill or not. You've got a really good chance here, she clearly cares about what other people, especially her family, think of her.

Expose expose EXPOSE! Read MelodyLane's sig, there are very clear instructions of what to do.

Yuki, the best thing you can do for your wife is expose the affair wide and far. The best time to do it is NOW while sheis with her lover. This will interrupt the affair. Please go read the link in my signature and develop youR plan.

Please read.
Exposure 101

is right now really the best time for me to expose this to everybody in our family ?
she still has 3 weeks before she has to come back home

and my wife is well known for her very short temper
plus she seems really more in love with the idea of living her own life with a job and everything she couldnt really do before(ecause of her illness) she is being pretty selfdestructive

ughh the worst part is that there is really no way for me to be 100% sure about what exactly is going on and if exposure is really gonna help or make it much worse now
i need to think about this

Yes, now is the best time; while she still has the cookie in her hot little hand is the BEST time to yell "STOP, THIEF!"


The evidence is right there in front of the world.


Do it NOW. If she has an ounce of intention in fixing her mess, once the shockwaves hit, she'll bring her hiney home!


Dirty little secrets aren't fun when they become big, dirty, truths.

Now is the PERFECT time to expose because it will ruin her affair trip.


What is going on is that she is having an affair.

THERE is your proof.


And yes, your wife will be angry, but the goal here to save your marriage. NOT to avoid your wife's anger at all cost.

my wife told me today that she wants to talk
i will wait and see where this is going and if there is still no light at the end of the tunnel i think i will follow everybody's advise and go into a full exposure before the next weekend
im not sure yet where ill get the strength to follow thru with that plan though

You expose regardless of what she says or does. Waywards are known liars and will say whatever they can to keep you hanging while they continue to cake eat. She will confuse you until you think you're crazy...it's called gaslighting (google it). Waywards also do what's called fogbabble...they make no sense and sound like aliens instead of the person you thought you knew. Don't let that sidetrack you from doing what you need to do. Listen to these people here. Look how long MelodyLane has been here and how many posts she has. A person is lucky if they have her trying to help them, she knows what she's talking about. If you don't follow MB policies and what the experts are telling you, they will spend their time on someone who wants to save their marriage instead of wasting it...they're trying to help you. They've been there, right where you are.

Do not be afraid of your wife, now is the time to take control and get your marriage on track with a real PLAN.

The purpose of exposure is to kill the affair, which you would want to do regardless of what she says to you. There is no light at the end of the tunnel if you DON'T expose.

i had a long talk with my wife today
and tbh i am not sure that our marriage can still be saved even if i expose her affair
she seems to be more interested in living her own life on her own without me or anyone at her side atm
which i cannot really blame her for she has always had to rely on other people her entire life so i understand her desire to live her life the way she wants while her illness still allows it
but at the same time it makes me worried because of her illness
she cannot really have a normal life as much as she might want it
and who will take care of her if something does happen to her while she is in another country?
she is dead set on moving and working by january even though i dont see how that could possibly work out she hasnt had a job in many many years

she said she had been thinking about getting a divorce for many years now and that i wasnt giving her all the attention she wanted even after repeatedly asking me for it and i cannot fully deny that on the other hand she also wasnt being very specific on the kind of attention she wanted
she said that she is tired of trying and that there wont be any hope for us to rebuild our marriage she still loves me as a friend and person but is not in love with me anymore and cant see me as her husband anymore

i still have doubts that this is the entire truth since i found out that aside of the friend she slept with there is another person who is interested in her she told me about that but that she is not interested in a relationship while shes going thru our divorce
at this point i believe that exposing her affair which seems to be over now might just make things much worse for our divorce

i am just lost and confused now
should i still expose even though i dont think it can save anything at this point and will do more damage to her family, it will break her mothers heart and her brothers as well since his wife cheated on him before, than it will wake her up
or should i just try to get the divorce over with quietly and fast and try to move on?

i hope i havent wasted anybodys time that really wasnt my intention i thought there was still a chance to save what we had but maybe i was just deluding myself

Your wife is gaslighting you by giving you all the classic smokescreens we see from a wayward. She is rewriting history to justify her affair. She has told you all this throw you off balance and cause confusion.

The truth is that she is having an affair with the "friend." it is in all your best interest to expose the affair, especially if this goes to divorce. The worst thing you can do is help them hide the affair.

All of her family and the OMs family should know about the affair. Everyone should know. Don't help them hide the affair. That only hurts your wife and it hurts you.

The other responders have provided some good advice, particularly considering exposure.

My suggestion would be to contact a lawyer and discuss how you can legally protect your assets in divorce. For example, would you be required to pay alimony? If so, how much, and how would your WW's adultery affect any alimony awarded? Also, do you have any joint accounts with your WW? If so, you might want to move at least half of the money out of them as quickly as possible into another account in another bank.

Yuki


What does Yuki want to do? Your WW like I said in the first post is treating you like a mushroom. "Gaslighting" you. Rewriting history.

You came on here for advice to try and save your M. The advice may be seen as counter productive or go against our best logic but when the advice is followed closely can lead to either M recovery or personal recovery.

I understand your dilema with exposure but all you are doing is informing family. friends etc. about the truth of the matter and asking for their support. Also if possible to use their influence to try and persuade the WW to give the M another chance.

Nothing vindictive or harmful in the truth. Nothing harmful about asking a family member or friend to use their influence. Also asking for their support IRL for you and your M can have a large influence personally or as a couple.

There are examples of exposure letters and I will post a link so you can see xactly what we are talkin about. Have you read any of them?

Did you save the FB photo of WW and her "Friend" that was posted?

You aren't wasting our time. You may be missing the best opportunity to wake your WW up.....


Exposure example letters


nESRE

as far as assets go we dont really have anything
we have a car which we are still paying for but she said that she has no interest in that since shes adamant about leaving the country
other than that we have about another 4000 or so in debt

and by now i am not sure tbh which of her 2 friends she is having the affair with anymore probably both it seems like friend 1 was just something physical and friend 2 is something more emotional

for the time being i am changing all passwords and i will look into getting a lawyer i really dont want it to go down this road but i am at my wits end

i havent saved the picture yet but she is not exactly trying to hide it either theres plenty of them titled "a day with my best friend" showing her and the friend i know she slept with theres plenty of others showing her with the friend that she told me has shown interest in her with him being a little too nice in my opinion

Yuki, she is having an affair with the friend you know about. The other one was tossed in to confuse you. Just expose with the information you have. You know they are still in touch so this constitutes an affair.

Yuki

How is she going to leave the country without money, a job or a place to live?

Are you going to finance her "Happiness"?

nESRE

thats what i have been thinking about too and i already decided that i wont
if she realy wants to go thru with the divorce i already decided that she will have to pay for it herself
and i am gettting closer and closer to the decision to go thru with the exposure
i saved pictures from FB i have the printout of the conversation that reveals it all she saying herself that she was having sex with friend 1 while at the same time she tells friend 2 that she needs him
i am changing every password i know of not sure what to do about the joint bank account we have tbh it started out as just mine wonder if i can take her of

Move at least half of the money to a new account with only your name on it. Most banks wont let you take another person off without their permission.

In a lot of exposures the sender offers to provide proof in the letter to those who want it. Keep this photo and conversation safely tucked away. You may need to provide it to some who don't believe.

its not like there is a lot of money in it anyway ill just use what little there is to pay of a bill


i never thought that this is where me and my wife would end up
yea we had our troubles in our marriage but we have always been able to work thru them but now she just twists everything i say to make it mean what she wants it to mean
she asked me a few months before her vacation if it was ok for her to have an affair and i really regret what i said back then my exact words where "the only way i could ever be ok with that if i never found out about it" which i keep hearing all the time now as me giving her the green light for an affair

when in all honesty i was just shocked at that time and didnt know what exactly to respond to that question since it made me feel worthless and unwanted
she says my response gave her the exact same feeling
ahh im just rambling now maybe i should just go to sleep and cool my head a little

Yuki

Work on your exposure letter and list of who to expose to.

Post it here tommorrow and let others here help critique the letter.

Get a good nights sleep.

Nuclear expose this A and let your WW deal with the fallout when she gets back from vacation or maybe she will start getting phone calls from friends and family and have to explain it there.

You may be responsible for helping to create an environment that gave your WW excuses to have an A but there are no good reasons. You do not own any part of her poor choice to actually proceed.

Sleep well

nESRE

WHAAT?! Yuki, she's an adult, she is responsible for HER ACTIONS, and she is treating you like a piece of sh*t! If you want to save your marriage - AND help her - you need to get a spine. You are ENABLING her to hurt you and you are helping her to hurt herself!



She's in a complete dangerous fog of selfish addiction. She think her affair partner will do everything that you have been doing for many years AND she very likely feels smugly convinced that you're going to keep doing that when her affair runs dry (nearly all affairs die within 2 years) and she trots home. It's called cake-eating - she wants her cake and to eat it, waywards are famous for this entitled, selfish, cruel mentality.

You should be making it VERY clear that if she chooses her affair partner over you that you're not going to be her friend, you're not going to pick up the pieces of her broken life when it all smashes down, you will start your life anew without her.


Oh WAAAAAAMBULANCE! You own 50% of the problem in your marriage but she is 100% responsible for choosing to go and get her needs filled outside the marriage. You now have access to the best program ever for fixing your marriage, you've learned about MB. You and your wife can have a loving, in-love marriage that fills all of your needs, but first -

YOU HAVE TO KILL THE AFFAIR!



This is the phrase that is said by nearly ALL waywards. It's called the I love you but I am not in love with you (ILBINILWY) speech. Your situation is not special, Yuki. When people have affairs, they ALL do the same thing. They are like robots. Many BSs see them as aliens that have taken over the body of their spouse.

Dr. Harley knows this after coaching 1000s of broken couples, the MB board vets know this from reading 1000s of posts from people just like you. That's why following the advice here is the most likely way you are going to save your marriage. If you feel responsible for your wife (which you shouldn't and that may be part of the problem in your marriage that you will have to address with her later after you've killed the affair), this is the best way to help her now.


Yuki, do you not want to stay married?! Don't be so defeatist.


Your wife needs to see that you will take extraordinary measures to save her and your marriage. She'll be impressed that you are fighting for her. Most women are. This rolling over and whimpering is not impressive at all.

As for her family being hurt by her behavior, that's HER responsibility, Yuki, not yours. You're still trying to protect her from herself. She is a GROWN woman, not a child. She chose to behave in a flagrantly irresponsible and cruel manner to not just you but also them. She must know the consequences.


No, you're just too scared to do what it takes to save your marriage. This is normal to be afraid but listening to your fear will mean that your marriage will die.

There are many people whose marriages have been saved by MB. They are blissfully happy now, have the best marriage they ever did. Why? Because the BS got steely and exposed the rotten behavior to anyone who might put pressure on the wayward. Then the BS stood firm under the rage and gaslighting of the wayward, whose exciting little secret now looked disgusting and sordid to everyone. "I'll do whatever it takes to save our marriage, my dear. Want a drink?"

You can do it, Yuki. Don't let fear stand in the way.

These are very typical tests that wayward wives give their husbands. You aren't the first and you won't be the last. They often start talking about swinging and polyandry and all sorts of stuff involving other men without telling you she's already been interviewing and got her candidate. It starts out as a way for them to try to make sense of what they are doing. To see if there is a way to incorporate this other guy they have feelings for into their real life with you....but in the process it gets twisted into a "he doesn't care about me nor what I do". Of course, OM helps by backing up that feeling with comments that "he'd never treat her like that".

Add to that...by the time the question is asked the wayward wife often has her husband in a desperately lonely situation where he's doing and saying anything to try to fix/save his relationship and family. It's not uncommon to be willing to accept any crumbs. It's almost like...."well I'd rather share her than lose her completely". You also may even have the momentary feeling of "Well, if she's gonna make OM share her with ME that means I'm still in control and she still considers me her primary relationship". Obviously, that backfires as soon as she discusses it with her soulmate schmoopie.

After exposure one of the shocking things to your wife will be that you care at all. Fighting for her...even if you lose and end up divorced..will at least demonstrate that and you'll be able to move on knowing you did all you could to save her (from herself....this is stupid a gravely ill woman gallivanting around the world with a male paramour.

The courage is to be found in the doing. No one ever regrets doing the right thing.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - the interest in the second man is just a ruse to make you think she not really leaving you for a relationship with man #1. Just wanting to be single and out of any/all relationships is another common ploy.

p.s.- does she have YOUR credit cards...CANCEL all joint cards and get yourself and individual card. If she racks up debt "in furtherance of an adulterous affair" then that's HER debt to take in the event of a divorce. If you divorce, you know she'll likely file for bankruptcy and the banks aren't going to let YOU out of an joint debt no matter how you split it up in any divorce.

well i am 100 % convinced by now that her interest in man nr2 is more than just a ruse i think its actually her main focus atm
since she spend most of her time with him and even works with him at the shop his parents own

also to quote what she said in the conversation that revealed everything to me
tis is her talking to man nr2
WW: things were simple like in the beginning before i had you
the only other person i want to be with is you

theres also plenty of FB pictures of them hugging and even him kissing her on the head
is that enough proof to count as an affair ?

plus she already stated she will live with him and work at his place after moving there only as friends of course

now i have to figure out how to word my letter to the FB friends of both those men since they share the same circle of friends

Dear friends of D and M:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of their friends should know the kind of persons they really are.
D had an affair with my wife and M is currently romantically pursuing my wife.
These affairs have almost completely wrecked our marriage.
I believe that their friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from them.


I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify all of their close family as well.

Thank you, BH

is what i have so far but maybe that is too simple

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I.
None of you know but xxxxx has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart.
To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that part of the resaon is that she had an affair with D and is now romantically pursued by M.


I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my love, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair.
Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

again maybe i am sticking too much to the templates in the exposure 101 thread but my brain is pretty burned out at this point in time

perfect. I used this exposure letter and noticed that it uses the word "affair" a lot and that bothered me for some reason. I don't know, it just seemed too repetitive too me, but it is fine as it is.

well its amazing how much talking to my wife can take away my resolve to do this
she went to see a lawyer today to check her option of staying or moving to canada
lets just say they are not very good and she is thinking about desperate measures since she does not want to take the easiest route which would be getting married over there

we talked for about an hour about this issue and about what is going on with us
during that talk it came out that Man nr2 is part of the reason she wants to move to canada but it also came out that she does not want to move there to get married to him she wants to try living over there without being bound by anything

she says she wants to move because she hates everything here not just being married to me just everything and everybody else arround her
i dont know anymore if the affair is the reason or just a symptom of what is going on with my wife
she hasnt talked this open to me in a long time and she sounded just extremely lost

she still blames me for almost everything of what went wrong with our marriage of course and says that there is absolutely no hope of us ever working it out and that i should stop bringing it up that its too late for that already

she says that she has no idea what she should do now she wants to get away from here not just me but the only way to do that would be risky for her health and would pretty much burn all bridges she has to here
she cried a lot during our conversation which she usually doesnt do either she always tries to hide it

so now i am thinking that my wife is having a major midlife crisis
am i deluding myself ?

Please don't pay any attention to fogbabble and stick to the plan. None of what you posted is any more meaningful than the rantings of a falling down drunk. Your wife is high on the addiction of her affair.

"Mid life crisis" is a form of denial that is typically employed by deluded spouses who are reluctant to face the truth about their cheating spouse.

Please stick to the plan. Your wife is very foggy and has no plan. Your plan is the only advantage you have but you have to stick to it and stop being distracted with nonsense.

Some banks will let you take the other person off, it's worth a try, esp. since it was his account to start with.

how do i go about the letter to fb friends now though she pretty much told me that man nr2 is more than just a friend and part of the reason she wants to stay over there

are the pictures on FB and the 2 lines she said about wanting him in her life enough proof to make him the main focus of an affair or should i stick to the one i know she slept with and have 100% proof

Copy all of her friends into a file so you have them all in case she deletes her account.
Send messages to them one at a time, one minute apart so you don't get shut down for spam.
Expose to everyone in the same day, her family, her friends, your family, your friends, anyone else you think might have influence.
I would stick to the one you know for sure and have proof of as I think the other is a smokescreen. She's trying to get you to think it's everything else...she doesn't like this country, you didn't do enough, blah, blah, blah. That's all it is, is blah, blah, blah.

Yuki

KS is right. She is just trying to throw up a smokescreen. I agree and go with the one you have hard proof of.

Read your exposure letter. Looks good.

When you push the button make sure to keep going until you hit everyone on the list. All in one swoop but a minute apart on FB.

nESRE

Just stick to what you have proof of. I suspect she conjured up OM#2 to throw you off balance.

I would say that this is plenty of evidence of their affair. Co-workers do NOT kiss each other on the head. They do NOT leave their spouse to live together "as friends".

And THIS? Done deal.

yuki, as the others have said, she is gaslighting you big time. it is time to expose, my friend, while you have access to her fb account. your letter is ready to go, now that you've added the bit about help in saving your M. if the word "affair" bothers you, switch it to "adultery." that's what it is.

don't wait, don't see what your WW has to say, just do it.

Yuki,

Here is the straight-talk on her bullcrap;

OM is THE reason she wants to move to Canada, and the things she wants to unencumbered by are each and every thing which do not allow her to carry on her adulterous relationship with him; namely you, and any friends and family that do not support her adultery.


Anything and everything she says boils down to this; "You won't allow me to carry on my affair."

Practice hearing that coming out of her mouth every time she makes an excuse.

Seriously.

ok i have done a lot of snooping around to find out more proof of what is going on
by now i know 100% and have proof that she is in a relationship with friend nr 2 not to mention i still have the proof of her by now seemingly purely sexual affair with friend nr 1

she doesnt want to hear anything about us trying to restore our marriage and has gone to the point now that she set her FB status to separated
not sure if that is a good thing or not but her friends are gonna be somewhat forewarned now so probably not so good

but at least i was able to convince her to throw out her crazy and risky plan to just stay over there and somehow make it work to live over there so she will be returning in a little over 2 weeks time

i am now getting ready to do a full exposure this weekend when i know she will be at a party and unable to try to interfere when the first people find out

i have revised my exposure letters to reflect the new information and proof that i have

Dear friends of D and M:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of their friends should know the kind of persons they really are.
D had an affair with my wife and M is currently in a relationship with my wife.
These affairs have almost completely wrecked our marriage.
I believe that their friends should know this, so you can protect your relationship from them.


I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify all of their close family as well.

Thank you, BH

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I.
Some of you may know that xxxxx has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart.
To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the resaon is that she had an affair with D and is now in a relationship with M.


I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my love, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair.
Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,


if theres anything i should change please let me know

I would remove the word "relationship" and put AFFAIR. If you have evidence, you might want to upload it to a website and link to it in your emails. There are easy instructions on how to do this at the end of my exposure thread. Look for rainysweets posts.

You have no kids, and she has no ability to give you kids.

You're young.

Many here won't agree, but I think you should cut bait.

Just make sure she gets nothing.

That said, I'd expose it anyway.

i dont have to make sure she doesnt get anything she doesnt even want anything
she just wants out and try to live her own life
without anybody tying her down in any way

tbh i dont know how much of what she says is true anymore since i dont trust her anymore but this whole business has made us talk more and open up more than we have in a long while

my options as i see them now are either just let go and let her try what she wants to try and figure out in that time if id be willing to take her back after she falls on her face because i know she will shes not a easy person to get along with

wait for when shes back here from her vacation and try to win her back while shes setting up to leave the country

or expose everything with i dont know what effects
like i said shes a very difficult person and exposing everything could very well ruin every chance i have of rebuilding our marriage or it could help save it
either way im still thinking about exposing this weekend well see if anything can change my mind before then

Yuki,

What's there to ruin? This is already FUBAR, my friend. How is withholding the truth going to fix your problem? You see, affairs thrive in darkness. Deception and subterfuge are what keep them going, and that's what she wants. They only perpetuates the affair, which is the opposite of what you want. The truth is important not only in getting others to pressure your wife, but in getting the help and support you need right now from family and loved ones.

Just do it!

She may become angry over you sharing her dirty laundry, but she is responsible for WHAT SHE DID, not you. You're just trying to fix the problem.

No, exposure won't ruin any chances, it will only enhance your chances. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair which will destroy your marriage. The best chance you have for rebuilding your marriage would come from exposure.

Keep in mind, that our goals are very, very different from yours. Your goal is to avoid upsetting her at any cost. Our goal is to save your marriage. You can survive her temporary anger, you can't survive her affair.


If something changes your mind about using the most effective weapon against the affair, then you probably won't make it. People who don't expose usually don't make it.

This is fogbabble 101. She is saying this because she is cheating on you. Period. It's no different than listening to a fallen-down drunk...

FALLEN-DOWN DRUNK: I'm fine. Just give me the keys and I'll drive home.

YUKI: Should I give her the keys? She says she's fine.

Your WW is sick right now. You can either stay the course or bail. Either way is going to be very difficult. Considering the children situation, I personally think you should bail. Kids are great!

Yes, this is total fogbabble. She is in love with her affair partner and has developed the insane little illusion that he will look after her like you have been doing for so long.


Very smart, Yuki. Just as HoldHerHand said:



You can make this a condition of you accepting her back, Yuki: that she goes with you to Marriage Builders coaching and works on becoming easier to get along with. It sounds like she's been doing the spoiled princess act for years and getting away with it because of her illness.

You have the chance now to wake her to reality and turn your marriage from the limping broken thing it was into something that gives both you and your wife joy and strength and security. Marriage builders counselling will help you with this. (and by the way, none of us are being paid to promote MB - we're only here as volunteers who are grateful to MB for saving our marriages and are passing on the favor)


It will save it. It will get hairy for a while, she will be furious with you. She will say things like, "well, I was thinking of coming back but now forget it", and the delightful "you've broken my trust in you", which I find really ironic because she has broken your trust in her with her affair and lying fogbabble.

As MelodyLane always says, your marriage can survive her anger but it can't survive an affair. Kill the affair, Yuki.


Don't change your mind. Even if your wife returns this weekend, you will have to expose. That's because the affair and your wife's wayward mindset will still be very much ongoing.

Many people have exposed and found it THE most effective tool for killing the affair. They were ALL of them extremely nervous when they did it. In some cases, it didn't work because the affair was too far gone. In other cases, it killed the affair immediately or it blew such a big hole in it that the affair died soon after.

Everyone who has done exposure agrees that it's the best thing they ever did while trying to save their marriage.

Expose, Yuki. Expose. You're doing really well.

I will second that...expose!

You really have no idea how many people don't, come back months later, and say "I wish I had!" or "I wish I had, sooner!"

It is THE BEST WEAPON for busting up the affair.

i kinda feel bad about it that i have continued to try to spy on her but thanks to that i will now expose 100%
probably over friday night so it all hits her on sat morning

i oversaw a conversation between her and M and shes discussing messages that i sent for her eyes only with him

telling him how she hates that i talk to her like nothing happened and how i message her like normal telling her i love her

Yuki, that she says this means that she is affected by it. She wants you to fight for her. Fight for her, Yuki. Tell her you're not going to let her go. Tell her you love her.

But tell her too that the old marriage is dead and that you both will be working on a new marriage when she comes back.

Hang in there, Yuki. Expose.

Yuki

Mirabelle is right on.

I posted this to you before and it is very important that you understand the "Carrot" and the "Stick" and how to use them. You are not to become some type of doormat for her.

Carrot and stick of Plan A

Did you read it and do you have any questions?

Plan A is done knowing full well the A is still on.

Read the whole post. With where you are at this time it is critical to fully understand.

nESRE

Why wait? Why not now? Waiting until Fri. night just means you have 24 more hours to vacillate. You will feel empowered once it's done, and you need that.

well i can say one thing my 100% shrank down to some smaller ammount by now
i cant believe how hard it really is for me to do this >.<

i told my mother in law about everything
she will keep quiet about this until i go thru with the restof the expose but she advised me against exposing it to all our family here and just expose it to the core of our family and the people my wife is staying with atm

Have you read this?

When Should an Affair be Exposed?

It is because it comes across like you don't give a damn. A complacent approach signals that you don't care very much. Instead of fighting for your marriage, you respond to her destructive behavior with "I love you."

Why is this?

mainly because of my wifes health condition by now my mother in law and i are both convinced it would be a bad idea to expose at all
we are afraid she will end up hurting herself her illness requires her to take a lot of different medications with sideffects that make you wonder if they are medizin or poison

she has tried to kill herself before when she was a teenager
and we both know she is under a lot of mental anguish and stress right now

she had called my mother in law crying and screaming that she knows she has nothing to go back to when she comes back
and my wife doesnt even know that her mother knew more than a littlebit of the truth at that point

i dont really know what to do anymore
how i can show her that im fighting for her that i want her back
and forgive her

telling her that just pisses her of at the moment so should i instead cuss her out like my first impulse was ?

The best way to show her you're fighting for your M is to Expose and Plan A.

This is a pisspoor excuse to not do the right thing and help her. These are just weak excuses to avoid conflict.

And let me explain why. Affairs and destructive behavior cause depression and mental stress. So by keeping her affairs secret, you are enabling her self destructive behavior which only serves to cause greater depression and stress.

Exposure, on the other hand, wakes the wayward up from their fantasy and motivates them to take steps to end the affair.

Neither you or your mother in law have any idea what you are doing if you think that enabling is helpful to her. ''/

I know you were looking for any excuse to take action, so I guess this is it. It really is a shame, because your wife needs someone to stand up for her and help her out of her personal hell. Unfortunately, she doesn't have you or her mother. Enablers don't make it.

Let me know when you get serious about saving your marriage. Otherwise, this situation is a waste of valuable board time that could be spent others who are serious.

This is silly. You are enabling your wife to screw around on you because you're afraid she'll harm herself because of the exposure of her CHOICE to commit infidelity? So... she's okay and it's all good as long as everyone hides her adulterous behavior? Are you sure you want to live that way?

You can expose the affair and stop being an enabling wuss. Do you want to man up and save your marriage, or sit quietly in your little chair with your hands folded nicely in your lap while your WW and OM throw your marriage in the toilet?

Your call.

Yuki, why are you here and what do you want? I was assuming you were here for help in busting up this adultery and repairing your marriage. Am I wrong buddy?

Lay aside your fear of what the outcome may be if you do what you're told to do here. The peeps here have a HELLUVA lot more experience at this than you do. They really do. Accept that, and embrace it. Stop thinking (this is your worst enemy right now)...the thinking has been done for you. All you have to do is, well, do.

No one can guarantee what the outcome will be if you follow the plan, but we can pretty much ALL guarantee what the outcome will be if you don't.

Up to you.

And don't tell your MIL that you are going to ignore the conversation you had today and expose anyway....as she'll forewarn her daughter (if she hasn't already) and you'll be screwed.

If you REALLY want to piss her off...have her find out you are going to expose BEFORE you expose. She'll go nuts in an attempt to manipulate you NOT to do it and you'll have to do it anyway (because it's the right thing to do) and directly in her face.


With a blindsided exposure you can take credit for it...as in

Wife:"Why did you do that?"

Husband: "I'm fighting for my family and I didn't know it would upset you so much, oops, my bad, I won't do it again"

But if her mom warns her you're not going to be able to play dumb so easy. Means your exposure window is closing. Better do it NOW...well, how about Friday afternoon????

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Trust me....AFTER you do it you'll know in short order it was the right thing to do. It'll be like a burden lifted from YOU. You're not meant to be her co-conspirator harboring her dirty secret. Even guys that face the worst wayward reactions still feel content in their decisions to expose. Good luck.

Yuki

Think about this:

With your WW's "fragile" health condition she manages not just one A but possibly 2?

Who is watching out for her "fragile" condition while she is away?

Expose. The fantasy bubble has to be popped.

With the way the letters are written the more people who know the more help and support you both may recieve.

nESRE

My goodness, Yuki, you and your MIL are infantilizing your wife terribly, it's shocking. I actually feel quite indignant on her behalf! As Nesre said, she's adult enough and healthy enough to have not one but two affairs. She's compos mentis and fully responsible for all of her actions.

MelodyLane is right: if you do not expose, you condemn your wife to suffer even more depression and stress. That she is very stressed already is evidenced by this:


Your poor wife. Be her knight in shining armor, Yuki. Expose TODAY! Don't think about it. Send those letters TODAY. Your wife will thank you for it one day.

Yuki

There are a lot of natural brain chemicals that are released when a person gets involved in an A. Those chemical scramble the brain much like an addict using drugs.

Do a search on pea brain chemicals.

Your wife is much like a drunk/addict right now. She is getting her high off of another man (possibly 2?) and these natural chemicals flood the brain. This is why waywards in general act so crazy and seem to loose all common sense. Why long term men 50 something years old M'd many years end up with a 22 year. Why woman leave a secure long term M to be with a scumbag loser who really has nothing to offer in comparison to their long term H. Neither of these make sense. The chemicals scramble their brains just like an addict.

Now just imagine you 2 are out for a night on the town. W has too much to drink and insists on driving. You only had a couple of drinks and are OK to drive. Against your best judgement you let her drive. You start out and you see this isn't good. Weaving back and forth on the road. Totally misses a stop sign and drives right through. Hits the shoulder of the road a couple of times.

Do you debate with her about her driving abitilty at this point?

Or Do you sit on your hands just closing your eyes praying you will get home safely?

Or Do you sit and worry that she will be upset with you if you DEMAND that she stop the car and you drive.

What if WE crash? What will happen to US?

Or Do you stop the car. Take the keys and drive so you will have the best possible chance to arrive home safely?

Which would be the most loving solution?

Your best chance to arrive home safely is evident.

Your best chance to save this M is also evident in the solid MB's advice you were given.

I truely hope you to take the keys away (expose-follow MB program) from your WW and drive. Use the best choice presented here and stop worrying if she will be upset/angry/do something crazy. She already is. She will be upset/angry/crazy regardless even if you do nothing. If you do nothing she will alsoremember you did not care enough to even try to stop her. She already has a scrambeled brain as evidenced by the phone call to MIL. Trying to make sense out of her fogbabble is useless since she is drunk off the A at this point. Busting up the A is the first step so the chemicals quit flooding her brain.

Expose. It is your best choice and chance to keep this M "on the road and safe in the long run"

nESRE

Genius!

What will not win her heart back is her lack of respect for you and being a doormat for her.

Guarantee that 100%.

Not trying to be harsh, walked in your shoes. I know how it feels.


Exposure and standing up for yourself including showing her you have self-respect and boundaries is your best chance my friend.

MB only works when you follow every single step.

Please listen to the vets and the advice being given. It works.

Il give you another take on this.
From what you have been telling us about your wife.Not many people would put up with her lines and so on.

Let OM1 And OM 2 have her for now. The wont put up with here crazy [censored] for long.
Vacation over.She will bang on your door..Make no mistake she will

Please read.
This darn MB plan sucks!....It failed

Yuki

Following MB's plans is way better than this................

Is this better?

nESRE

Yuki,
I can see you haven't posted since everyone responded. They are right, you know, you are rendering yourself ineffectual, which isn't an attractive quality to a wife. She needs someone who stands up for her enough to believe in her, not enable her bad behavior. Someone who can say "I know you are better than this and we have a marriage worth fighting for!" She has her ways to cave you in so that you won't affect change. Do something about it! Fight for your wife, for your marriage!