I am the WW. I am 27, my husband 28. We have been together 8 years, married for 3. In about 30 minutes it will be exactly a week since I destroyed his universe. I told him a week ago that I had a one night stand with a coworker and the boy I am 5 months pregnant with may not be his. He was devastated.

I didn't want to tell him, but after a lot of prayer I knew it wasn't fair for me to keep it from him. We took a blood paternity test and will know the results Wednesday. I am almost certain the baby is my husbands.

Confessing to him was the hardest thing I have ever done. His (and mine, although this is my fault and therefore how I feel is my own doing and not relevant) mind had been reeling ever sense. He cycles between anger, sadness, and disgust. I moved into another part of our house to give him space.

I took the blame 100% regardless of why I felt like it was okay fOr me to do at the time, it was wrong. It was my fault, not my husbands, no matter how difficult of a time we were going through. I have listened to him while he cried and while he has yelled. I haven't blamed him or gotten defensive or taken anything out on him. I am so ashamed of the pain I have caused him. His parents are naturally furious.

He is going to counseling Monday. I sat down and after apologizing verbally I also wrote one to him. I set boundaries. I changed my phone number, deleted my Facebook, deleted all my email accounts. Its difficult because I am pregnant and cannot quit my job because we need the health insurance. I told him I would quit my job immediately though and he told me not to; that he didnt want to be poor and dysfunctional.

I have not had contact with the OM since I found out I was pregnant except to ask of there was a possibility the child was his, he denied it left and right said it was impossible etc... Now we only talk at work about work and most days we don't even have to speak at all so we don't.

My BH came home today from a class he had to take for work and I tried to give him the letter of appology with the EPs but he refused it. This is the first time since d day he has refused to speak with me.

I know he needs time and space. I just feel like I am running out f hope. He kept saying that everything was perfect and I ruined it. I did ruin what we had. Things had only been going well since we found out I was pregnant. I am worried that if my son is his, that all of our unresolved issues in addition to this affair will be more than we are able to overcome.

I don't know what I am looking for. Any advice or encouragement would be helpful. I am alone and afraid. My family lives 3000 miles away and he has told me he believes my mother has contributed to this problem this doesn't want me speaking with her. What now?

Thank you.

Veterans, get in here quick!!

I would go into overdrive implementing meeting your spouse's ENs and avoiding LBs. You will have to cope with the fact he's not going to be meeting your ENs and will probably be engaging in love-busting behaviour for a while.

Did you order Dr Harley's books yet?

If it were not for the pregnancy, would you have told your husband about your affair?

Understand this - it seems that you had no intention of telling your husband about sleeping with another man and you continue to see this man several times a week.

That of course does not even touch on the fact that his dreams of his first child have been shattered, as he is unsure if it is his child.

I understand that finances are a concern particularly for Americans and birth/labour but continuing to work with this man is an absolute guarantee that your marriage will be over.

Have you told your employer? You cannot give him a letter of apology and EP's if you continue to work with the other man. It is not going to matter because the most basic EP (no contact) and most basic demonstration of remorse (no contact) is broken daily.

Have you discussed how to obtain some sort of financial loan/selling of assets in order to quit your job and leave money to assist with the birth expenses.

Welcomento MB.
Please listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harely telling what you should do in OC situations.
Dr. Harley advises a BW and WH on OC situation

Bear with me, this is all incredibly overwhelming. We cannot afford a single income home nor can we afford the debt having a child without insurance would cause. If I quit my job I will not be able to file unemployment nor will COBRA insurance be an option. I have told him twice that I would quit. He is adamant that I stay and if the child is his I am to look for another job once our son is born.

I don't know if this matters, but it wasn't a love thing. I went over to his house after work and before class just to talk as friends about my situation. Needless to say one thing led to another. I am so ashamed. I didn't even take my clothes.

I don't know if I would have told him or not had I not gotten pregnant. Id like to say I would have but I don't know. He said a few days ago that if it is his son that he would try to work it out because he owes that to his son. We should have been in counseling a long time ago, but he told me that if just the two of us couldn't fix out problems then they couldn't be fixed.

A lot is in limbo because we are waiting on test results. If it isn't his he said there would be no way he would raise another mans child. I would be packing my bags and moving back to California at that point and our marriage will be over.

There are a lot of details to this. My husband suffers from PTSD and (we both) drank too much. He had been sober since 7/24 and quit smoking as well. He picked up both since dday, but I expected that. We had a house full of fire arms, but he locked them all in the safe.

Since we married in 2009 I have allowed and even encouraged my husband to sleep with other women. He has done so with 2 women on 5 occasions. I was there fOr 2 with one woman, and in the house for 2 of the three with the other woman. OW2 is a coworker of his. I found out I was pregnant in may and left or California to visit my family at the end of May. When I told him I was pregnant I told him I just wanted it to be us from now on. He agreed. When I left he asked if he could have OW2 over one last time. I agreed. Afterwards he always calls me and gives me full disclosure and tells me how he doesn't want to ever do it again and he only does it because I want him to. This time wasn't different except that he didnt want to tell me the details. I found that odd, but let it go.

Did you listen to the clips of what Dr. Harley advises?

I listened and I had offered to my husband that if the child wasn't his I would give him up for adoption. I think that only made it worse because when he relayed that to his mother she went on to say "what kind of a mother would give up her child..." etc. he has made it very clear if the child isn't his, the marriage is over.

Here are some more.

Radio Clip on what to do when a pregnancy happens from an affair

Radio clip on OC

Please let us know what you think.

You need the coaching centre, badly. This is such a disordered marriage. This is an open marriage, you're both currently working with other partners, alcoholism, encouraging your husband to sleep with other women when you are pregnant. I do not see this becoming a good healthy marriage but you need the expert advice. It's not a DIY project.

It wasn't an open marriage in that I wasn't allowed to sleep with other men. I know we need help. The day after dday I went to a church down my street and fell apart. The counselor there took me to his home with his wife and they fed me. After that I told them everything. He isn't just a counselor for the church, but it is also what he does for a living. He said he would like to speak with my husband I said I would try, but it wasn't likely. I've offered his number to my husband several times but he refuses it. He said he doesn't want to confide in someone that I have confided in, which I can understand. He will be seeing his own counselor Monday.

We aren't bad people. We have made bad choices for certain. We make a good living between the two of us, him as a fireman and me as a paralegal. We have struggled a lot, but have always managed to pull through. He says though that he doesn't know if he can forgive me for running to another man when times were hard. I understand that.

I have ruined everything. How can we possibly get through this of it is our first child? Having a child in and of itself can tear some families apart. My mother doesn't think I should stay not does she think I should have paid for the paternity test. I assured him I would pay (and did) and that I wouldn't just run off. I don't think he believed I wouldn't run off, but he hasn't taken my keys or anything so I guess he must believe me to some degree.

He just came into the room I get some things so he can go bow shooting outside. I asked if he has read what I wrote, he said he had not and that it was ridiculous of me to think e would want to read some letter. I
I told him we could sit and talk about it instead and he indicated he didn't want to talk right now. I told him I understood and whenever e wanted to I would be available.

Well apparently what is good for the goose isn't good for the gander.

The open marriage met his selfish needs until you got pregnant and he saw he wasnt in control of your actions.

I'm sorry I am not trying to be difficult, but none of these thus far apply to me. I have tried to scour the Internet for advice, but everything just told me not to tell my husband and let him think the child was his etc.

I see you using terms like EP.
Have you read Dr Harley's basic concepts?

I never indicated to him that I wanted to be with another man. Mostly because I didn't want to be with another man. He has wholly excused himself from having been with the other women because I gave him permission. Which I guess he has the right to do because I did indeed give him permission. He just left. Said he would be back this evening, he was going to have supper with his mother. Naturally that stresses me out because I know how protective my mother is over me right now so I can only imagine how she will be with him and they terrible things she is telling him. She was like a mother to me and I betrayed her too, I should expect this I know, but I am not sure how to deal with it.

I haven't ordered any books yet, The results will dictate that I guess.

Yes I have been on the site the last two days just searching for answers. I couldn't find anything that related to what I was going through so I decided I needed to join. Especially since if it is his son he wants me to cut off contact with my mother and family. My mon thinks I need to get out of the house, but I told him the only place I was going was church tomorrow and that's it. So I dont think I should leave even if he is not here.

I guess I should be thankful he is even talking to me and telling me where he is going.

Totally perplexed.

Since you have not yet indicated ...I just have to ask, WHY did you think this was in any way, shape or form a good idea?

Will your BH/WH come here and post?

Can you afford the coaching center?

Will you quit your job? You can get COBRA.

I am also curious as to why this rule of being allowed to step outside the marriage for the SF need to be met applied to him and not you?

You will have to quit if you want to save your marriage. I would be working on that if you expect to save this. You can get COBRA insurance.

That in an of itself is a can of worms that is again my fault. When all of that started I was about 60lbs overweight and my husband and I werent happy. I wanted to do whatever I could to make him happy and to be frank I didn't want him to leave me for someone else so rather than deal with my own insecurities I decided I could control The situation if I let him sleep with other women and knew about it. Then he would have no reason to stray. Looking back that clearly indicates how little I trusted my husband and how much respect I didn't have for either of us.

I have since lost the weight and had been feeling a lot better about myself. He told me yesterday that I fit every stereotype. Wife loses a bunch of weight and cheats on her husband while he is at work. It happens a lot in the fire dept. I just never thought it would happen to us. I told him I would do whatever it takes to earn his trust and I knew it wouldn't be a matter of days or weeks. He said that he doesn't know what's going to happen, but he doesn't want to give me false hope that this will ever work.

Why would you do such a destructive thing to your marriage? I think when someone's judgement is this impaired that they probably need much more help than we can provide here. Do you have a pastor or other sane person in your life who can help you with your living skills?

Do you understand how messed up this thinking is?

I doubt he will sign up, but I can ask.

If by coaching center you mean counseling? No, but his work offers ten sessions free. He is going to one Monday and said if it is his son we will go. My mother doesn't think he will go.

From what I understand of COBRA your employer only has to offer that if they employ 20 or more people. I work for a small law firm that doesn't employ 20 people.

Yes. I realize now how messed up that thinking is. I can't take back all of the poor choices I made. I am desperate to fix this. I thought I was being a good wife, but on hindsight I probably singlehandedly began destroying our marriage at that point.

Here MB Coaching Center

My husband and I fought a lot. I just wanted to make him happy. I wasn't making him happy so I thought allowing him to sleep with other women would. For the most part it did, he claimed he never wanted to do it, but only did it because I wanted him to. It killed me everytime, but I never told him that and the weeks after he was with the OW he was kind and attentive and we had peace.

I don't think I can afford that, but once we find out that I am carrying his son I will bring it up. Thank you

Yowser.

That is some low self esteem EpicFailure, and for him to capitalize on that was some very selfish behavior, to say the least.

Take ownership for your infidelity, but please understand that whether you gave him a green light or not, your husband has ALSO been unfaithful and has committed adultery, several times. You should not be carrying the burden of saving this on your own. He had a wife with such poor self esteem she told her husband to go sleep with other women to 'make him happy', and he said great, see ya later! So just like you did he also CHOSE to commit adultery, rather than find a way to help create a marriage where you felt more secure.

In the meantime while you are waiting for test results, and after, read everything you can on this site, which is free. Order Dr. Harley's books and read and absorb his concepts.

You have said that you have not seen anything that applies to your situation. ALL of Dr Harley's concepts on infidelity and building a better marriage apply to your situation. Every infidelity has minor differences than the next one, but in general, they are all the same. If you stay on these forums you will see that, over time. And the principles of how to address them, and how to build a better marriage, apply to all.

Also, FYI, under this Infidelity section there is a specific forum for Pregnancy/Child that deals specifically with OC's. But for now, I think you should stay here as I believe this forum gets the most activity.

Thank you, thy helps a little; that is pretty much what my mom said when I fessed the whole whole story to her. She said his mother probably wouldn't be throwing the same pity party for him if she knew the whole truth etc... But that's not relevant because she doesn't know nor will she I am sure.

The truth is he will NEVER see it as having been wrong. In his opinion it was okay and thus I cannot hold it against him. In no way do any of his actions condone what I did. I know this. What I did was wrong and there was no excuse for it. I am just not certain that we can heal fully if we don't get to the root of everything.

My mother (she is the only person I have to talk to about this on a daily basis and has really kept me sane. She has asked me not to tell my sisters until we know the results. You'll probably hear a lot about what my mother thinks in coming posts) seems to think that my H will forever hold this over my head and use it as a way to put me back in the low self esteem place I was before. She thinks that he will use it to control me and keep me miserable. I don't want to believe thats correct, but I have no way of knowing.

If your WH (I will term him wayward husband because just as you are a WW, he is a wayward husband) is not ever able to see how having sex with other women IN FRONT OF his own wife, with or without her consent, is damaging to a marriage and WRONG, then there is no hope for your marriage. But, he is still reeling from the shock that YOU had sex with someone else, so lets not presume to know what he can or cannot learn about marriage down the road.

The first thing that Dr Harley advises when there has been an infidelity, is exposure. A very knowledgeable vet, MelodyLane, has posted to your thread and in her sig line there is a link to the exposure process. I suggest you go read that, and I will bow out of any more exposure talk since this is not something I have firsthand experience with.

I understand that if your son is not his, your H has told you he would leave. That is certainly his choice to make, and one that many people would. But if it is his son, he has told you he wants to stay in your marriage.

Does he want to heal from these infidelities and create a loving, safe marriage? Has he agreed, at least, that having relationships with others outside the marriage is damaging, with or without each other's consent? Would he ever be willing to post here?

I understand as well that if it is not his the marriage is over. I am now thinking it would be better for him of it weren't his son, but i believe it is my husbands child.

I don't think he will ever post here. The fact that he is going to a counselor in and of itself is a feat I never expected to see in my lifetime. He is a very proud man and I have gutted him.

I still can't believe I did this to him. I don't know how he will ever be able to forgive me. I took away everything he had in a matter of seconds. Thinking about those moments, the look on his face, the way he sobbed, it just kills me. What have I done?

The first step you must take is exposure.
You must expose you affair and your husbands affairs.
Is he sleeping with married women? Do they work for the fire dept. ?

These open marriage/ swinger lifestyles never work out.
In your husbands case, he probably had fantasies of having an open marriage forever BUT he wanted to be in control.

The first step is exposure. You need to expose your open marriage lifestyle and affairs to:

Your parents
His parents
Sex partners spouses/ significant others
Married friends and family members of sex partners
Employers
Your family members.

If anyone in your family or friends knew of this open marriage and approved of it they should be considered TOXIC and disowned.

Exposure should be done Without husbands knowledge.

You wrote that there was heavy drinking and he quit last month
Is he an alcoholic? Is he addicted to alcohol?

Are you an alcoholic? Are you addicted to alcohol?

Have either of you been in treatment for addiction?

Are you drinking alcohol while pregnant?

A very proud man would not have allowed his wife to watch him have sex with other women.

I keep coming back to this because although I like to see remorse for what YOU have done, I also don't think you quite understand that what your husband has done is just as despicable.

If YOU can forgive HIM for having adultereous affairs with several people, then why should it not be possible for him to forgive you for having an affair?

thank you unwritten. i have just read this thread, and the first step to recovery is exposure. this means the two of you should sit down with WHs mother and tell her the WHOLE story. your WH needs to admit that he was also wayward, your permission or not! infidelity is infidelity.

i hope that your OC turns out to be COM. it will help a lot w/recovery, if that is the way you two decide to go. i agree that the multiple problems here need professional support. MCs do not know how to do this. their main goal is either facilitating the D, or rehashing a bunch of stuff that doesn't matter (we call this navel-gazing). free or not, your *best* bet with this M is to contact the coaching centre and coach towards marital recovery with the harleys. yes, it's expensive. but not nearly as expensive as a D and raising a child on your own.

as UW said, although you think your sitch is unique, it really isn't. you have the same problem as everyone else: spouses with poor boundaries. this is what needs repair. neither's infidelity can just be swept under the rug (forgive & forget), because you will simply end up in your before-adultery M (on both sides). the resentment will be too much. please consider the coaching centre. those of us who have used it cannot recommend it more highly!

OP, i'm sorry for your pain and why you find yourself here. however, you have landed in the right place to save your M! hang in there. read everything (start with the basic concepts) and keep posting, especially questions.

I read the exposure 101, their contact has ended as of July. She is just a volunteer there and does not actually work with him, they now work at separate stations. I feel like he would think I violated his trust yet again by telling his parents etc... Because I condoned it. I made it okay and now I'd just be being vindictive and somehow trying to justify what I have done.

I am not drinking at all. I haven't since I found out I was pregnant. In my opinion both my husband and I were alcoholics. He decided on his own to quit drinking because he didn't want his son to grow up thinking it was okay.

He kept saying everything was perfect, and honestly after we found out I was pregnant things changed they were going incredibly well, but I knew I couldn't keep lying to him.

I am scared. I don't know what the future holds. I want what's best for my son.

No one knew what I allowed him to do. I doubt anyone would believe me if untold them now anyway, he just has to deny it and they'll believe him of course.

I am under the impression that he will want to talk tonight. If he won't read my letter I intend to paraphrase it. Take full responsibility, acknowledge what I have done to him and how it's hurt him. Set boundaries and let him know that I am 100% committed to making this work.

Of course your husband will not support exposure.
That is what is needed to save your marriage.
If you dont want to save your marriage then you may as well call your husbands girlfriend to the house and give him a sex make up party.

If you want to save your marriage you need to follow the MB Program.

What about you and your WH/BH get into an AA program?

Nobody knows what the future holds. But you will be best equipped for it if you follow the MB plan, create a loving and safe marriage with your H, and if that is not possible, move forward with a new understanding of what 'healthy relationship' means to teach your son. THAT is what is best for your son.

I want to see you take full responsibility for your affair.

However, he also needs to take full responsibility for choosing to commit adultery. And you need to require more for yourself than a man who will have sex with other women in front of his wife.

I feel like you take full responsibility for that too, because you gave him your very delusional consent. You are responsible for telling your WH it was OK, for the words and consent, he is responsible for the action.

Can you call the radio show? Or send an email to the Harleys? These are free options to get advice from the Harley's themselves, and I think you need it.

I am taking full responsibility for my affair. I have not blamed him at all. It was and is my mistake. These are the consequences of that mistake. I am overwhelmed. I am looking at the website and reading all I can. I can't save it of it is not his son and I will know that Wednesday.

He won't go for AA if he can't fix it himself then he doesn't try to fix it typically. I will ask though.

If your husband doesn't know that adultery is WRONG, then you have a serious problem and should consider separation. I would address this issue and strongly suggest you STOP enabling him by keeping this secret. Tell everyone about his affairs.

It sounds to me like your husband has some serious mental problems. What is wrong with him that he believes adultery is an acceptable lifestyle?

Have you told your mother that you condone adultery in your marriage?

I would tell all of your family members and close friends about his adultery and yours. You need the support of your family members in a most desperate way.

You and your husband have very poor judgement and your family cannot help you if you are not completely honest.

Sorry it's taken me sink long to respond. We got a big storm and the ceiling started leaking in the part of the house I am staying in. I thought it was a fire because the smoke alarm went off and i thought lightening had hit the roof etc... I panicked. I called him and he said that the water caused the alarm to go off, I told him about the heavy rain and leak 2 hours ago. I frantically tried to get everything out of the room. He hasn't come home yet. I guess that's a signal about how much he doesn't care right now.

I told my mother about how I condoned and encouraged his relations and she was shocked to say the least. Her words and reactions mirror most of yours. I just told my sisters about my affair, not about his. They all think I should leave the state regardless, that he will never forgive me and use it against me for the rest of my life. I don't think that's the right think to do.

I'm not sure how to go forward at all. I dont know.

I don't think he will want to discuss the future until he knows if it's his son. I understand that

You should leave him unless he agrees NEVER to commit adultery again. He should be willing to become completely transparent and accountable to you so he can never cheat again. Otherwise, the right thing to do is to get a divorce.

His family and the rest of your family should all be told about his affairs so they can hold him accountable.

I hear what you are saying I assure you. What is difficult for me is to consider what I condoned as cheating. Once we find out of he is the father of his child then I guess this is where the jumping off point will be...

"my affair was wholly my fault. It was unacceptable and wrong. The only way we can move forward is if we both agree from this second on that in no way is it acceptable for either of us to sleep with another person period. Condoned or not."

I have a feeling his response will be angry and defensive, but I guess at some point I have to stick up for myself AND my son. It would not be a healthy environment for him to grow up in.

EF, I would tell him now that his cheating is a deal breaker. Even if the child is his, you should never live with him again unless he agrees to stop cheating. That is sick and dysfunctional.

You don't have to wait to tell him this. If he says he won't stop cheating, you can pack up and move home now.

I know he will stop with the other woman. I have no doubts about that, the only reason he ever allowed himself to do it in the first place was because I condoned it. I don't think that will be where the problem lies. I think he won't agree that it had anything to do with the troubles of our marriage.

He is still with his parents and it is giving me terrible anxiety to think about what they are planning.

Let me clarify, the reason I think his response will be angry and defensive is because 1 nothing has happened since may, 2 he doesn't think he did anything wrong and 3 because I know he will think I am just trying to justify what I did.

That is where I would start. In addition to telling his parents about his serial cheating. The fact that he doesn't know that adultery has everything to do with the troubles of your marriage is not reassuring. but even if he doesn't understand, he cannot keep committing adultery and stay married. He should end all contact with EVERY WOMAN other than his female relatives.

If he won't do that, he is not a safe person.

I would address this with him ASAP.

This seems to be more and more common nowadays (this is not the first time I've heard of this kind of thing going on). Has Dr Harley done any radio segments on this sort of behaviour?

The topology of it feels like infidelity, but without the dishonesty aspect; in some ways it's similar to swinging, but without the shared experience W and H would share.

epic, he IS going to be angry. there is no way around that, and no good time. you just have to accept that you cannot control his actions. remember that exposure is not about retribution, it is asking for help with your M. when you married, your family and community sat at your wedding and pledged to support your M. that's what family and friends are for. even during the rough patches. especially during the rough patches!

whether or not you sanctioned his adultery is immaterial. you did that because you were desperate. now, i hope you are not that desperate, because you need to be clear-headed to make decisions.

i do think that you should wait until you have the paternity results before you do much else - what do you think, ML? and i also think you should move your bum back into your marital bed. yes, what you did was wrong. you have admitted and owned that. you want to rebuild, and become a FWW, and you can start that now by cleaning up your side of the street. but your WHs side of the street is dirty too. he needs to own what he did also, and clean up his mess so you two can start fresh.

please use the time between now and wednesday to read as much as you can, including other threads. and definitely send an email to the harley's radio show! if you haven't already, download their app and listen every day. it'll help keep you sane during this crazy time.

one of the reasons MB is so successful is that it is so simple, cause and effect. and if you and your WH decide to work on the M, the harleys are great at bringing reluctant husbands to the table!

btw, congratulations on your weight loss!

I disagree. He didn't have sex with other women because you condoned it.
He had sex with other women while you watched. Maybe he wanted to have a three way or use it as a point of control over you.
He will not be so quick to stop his lifestyle.
Also. I would not be surprised if there are more sex partners than you know of

You earlier said that you consider yourself an alcoholic.
I strongly encourage you to attend an AA meeting. You can find their locations on the Internet and in the phone book.

The first step on the road to recovery is to admit that you dont have control.

Thank you for you responses. I will look into AA I have before, my mother has been sober for 20ish years now, he has given me a lot of resources today.

The evening has gone in the following manner:

He came home annoyed that the house was amiss because I took everything out of the rooms in which the ceilings were leaking and put ten in the front part of the house. He demanded to know why I had done so to which I responded that I thought it was the right thing to do, I didn't know what else to do. He said that he would have been home if I hadn't effed (sorry for the juvenile term) someone else. That had I not effed someone else my husband would have been here to tell me what I do.

I took it as I should for what I have done to him. He said he didn't want to talk about anything until he knew the child was his. Okay, I understand that as well. So I went to my side of my house and shut the door and laid there typing this. Then he came in and opened the safe and pulled out a gun and handed it to me. I asked what it was for he said that he has just bought it today and told me all about it, it was as if things were normal.

He left and I went into the kitchen and he turned and rather bluntly asked me if this is his kid what does he have to do to protect himself from me in the future of we don't work out. He is afraid I will try to screw him since I am a member of the legal community. I told him in our state the only way to prove and affair is with photos or by a deposition with a court reporter whereby I would admit to the affair. He said that he intends for us to do that of it is his son. I agreed to it. I also told him about a post nuptial agreement and he said he would look into it. He was angry so I went back to my room.

He came back in and said I didn't have to stay locked in the room, so I sat in the living room with him and vented a bit. Then we had about a 30 minute normal conversation about turkey shoots and things. It was like nothing had ever happened. At this point he was two drinks in and by the end of the convo he was almost finished with his third so I knew to tread lightly braise he would be intoxicated at that point.

Sure enough he started to say that he is trying but it's really difficult which I aknowleged and reiterated that this was not his fault. He said he felt so alone. I told him I would stay with him as long as he wanted me to. Then, as I predicted, he got angry again (I imagine that these are normal cycles) and e jut kept saying how date I open my body to him and my legs to him after I had done so I another man, and I am just a trifiling whore and we made vows to god and I broke them and if I can't keep a promise to god then to whom could I keep a promise?

Again I just took it, said I haven't been trustworthy do I don't expect him to trust me and that I should probably go to bed because I didn't want to upset him further. He said he didn't care what I did but got annoyed when I got up to leave, he said I didn't have to leave and we tarted watching an old movie. After about 5 min of the movie he cut it of and said he was going to bed, so I went to my room.

I hear him now watching the movie. I guess that was his way of telling me politely that he didn't want me around. I am confused to say the least and not sure what to think of tonight. He is going to talk to a lawyer next week regardless of the resuls.

Any thoughts or insight would be appreciated. Thank you all so much.

You didn't say anything about his affairs?

So he didn't stay sober. He needs AA.

Did you read Melodylane's posts about what to say? I wouldn't do it now that he's drunk.

Why not write out what you need to say to him here? We can help you.

Please forgive the typos, I am doing this from my phone. I am not nearly as illiterate as I may sound.

I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to say, and told him I wanted to talk, but he didn't want to. I figured I should respect his space. My intention was to say

"H-
I am committed to doing whatever it takes to make this marriage work. In no way was what i did acceptable, it was wrong and it was not your fault. In an effort to recover and rebuild or marriage I think we should both agree never to have any type of sexual relations with anyone other than each other this second on."


I'd imagine again that he will say he never cheated that I made him to it that he didn't want to etc... But it's a starting point.

And no, he didn't stay sober he hasn't been since d day.

He is unable to stay sober.
That is because his addiction controls him.
You need to attend BOTH AlAnon and AA THIS WEEK

Aside from the drinking, which I think he will out down if I am having his son, does it sound like there is hope fore reconciliation based on the random moments of normalcy last night?

Ok, I am really concerned that a drunk bought a gun and showed it off to you!! epic, please be mire concerned about your and your baby's safety then reconciling with someone who is an armed unstable person.

My opinion is for you to go stay somewhere safe until he can get sober and psychological help!

~RQ

I'm sorry, let me clarify, he wasn't drunk when he bought the gun nor was he when he showed me. He didn't start drinking until after that. If I really thought he would hurt me, I would leave. I honestly don't think he will. He had an episode the other night. My husband again suffers from PTSD from a tour he did in Iraq before we met. It was during the ground war and he watched a lot of his friends die. Since then a lot of his friends have killed themselves.

Tuesday night one of his friends said he was going to kill himself, my husband and I were the only ones here and h had a breakdown. He cried (he was drunk) and put on his old uniform. He told me what all the medals he had received were for etc...

After that he left my room, he came back in a few minutes later and had a very angry outburst. He said he wouldn't hurt me but he doesn't know why me and OM would think he was such a punk that he wasn't capable of killing him etc...it was a little frightening, but when he tells it's always frightening.

So he came back in and apologized and said he didn't mean to scare me that e had too much to drink and wouldn't ever risk his future over me or OM which I believe to be the truth. His family and friends that know of the A are concerned that he will do something, but they don't know him like I do, I know he won't.

If this marriage is to be saved a few things have to be done.
1). He will need to get into AA and stop drinking (MB will not work with an active addict) and he will need to get his anger under control
2). His affairs and your affair needs to be exposed to family, friends. Does your OM's BW know? Were any of his OW married?
3) you will both need iron clad EPs and boundaries
4) you will both need to live an intergarted transparent life where no affairs will be allowed
5) I would look into moving for you both to start fresh
6) work the MB program with a MB coach or online program

Can you do all of these?

Yes, I can, but I am not sure he can. He is going to see an attorney next week. I am afraid he is going to try to force me to stay in the state if it is his son and he doesn't want to work it out.

Also the OM and OW are not married.

I think you should prepare for separation and go into Plan B.
I encourage you to read about plan b and see an attorney for future child support.

My father thinks I should put in my two weeks tomorrow and leave regardless of whether or not it is my husbands child. He thinks that once the child is born he will file for divorce and custody and I will lose my son.

I am afraid to just up and leave because I honestly don't know what my husbands intentions are. I don't have the money for a custody battle in this state.

Any advice?

What reasons does your father have for believing that the court will find you an unfit mother?

Does your husband work 24 on 48 off?

There are no reasons a court could find me an unfit mother except the adultery I guess. I have a job, I am a clean person, dont do drugs, don't smoke, quit (and will stay quit) drinking etc...

He works 24 on and 24 off and it rotates so he may have as many as 5 days off in a row. If he goes to work this week he will work tues thurs sat.

New development that is kinda huge or maybe I just think it is.

I have 4 younger sisters one of which came to live with my husband and I 2 years ago she stayed a year.

My sister just called me and said she was never going to tell me this because she didn't want to cause more problems between my husband and I. One night when we had a bunch of people over I went to bed and as everyone trickled out my sister went to bed on the fold out couch.

Long story short my husband kissed my sister twice. Not open mouthed my sister said she kept her mouth shut, but he tried for more apparently. My mom just found out as well. She thinks I need to leave immediately. My sister is under the impression my husband won't remember because he was very very drunk when it happened.

Wtf. Now what?

YOU NEED TO EXPOSE NOW!!!!!!!

If that isn't enough to make you expose then what?

As others have pointed out, I would imagine there are others he has tried something with besides your sister. It'd be a super good excuse, "well you said I could do this with Sally, Sue, and Samantha, so I figured I could also do it with Jennifer".

My mother called after my sister told me what had happened. My sister had no reason to lie to me. My mother was shocked that I still didn't want to leave him. I cried and told her that I genuinely believe my H doesn't realize that he has done anything wrong and that I can't bear the devastation it will cause him if I am just not home one day. She said that my H has emotionally abused me for 8 years and I now sound like a battered woman. She said she doesn't know how to help me and she is afraid for me and my future son. My sisters are all texting me and telling me to leave.

Why do I still not feel like that is the right thing to do? My parents think exposing him will push him to the edge and he may finally break and while he has never hurt me physically, they seem to think everyone has their breaking point. I told everyone I wasn't making any rash decisions tonight. That I needed to think.

You are in an unstable and unsafe environment young lady, and you need to remove yourself, safely. The above is not normal. If you have access to the safe, you should take all firearms with you when you leave; some may be loaded, and you should understand that too.

If your husband is on medication, do you know if he is taking it regularly?

Is your husband currently in counseling or other treatment as a reserve? If so, please contact them if you can and explain this to them.

I would strongly suggest you remove yourself from this situation at the present time. It is not safe.

I agree with your father. This is hopeless unless your husband addresses his drinking problem and takes accountability for his own adultery. Nor should you agree to give him the ammunition to sue you for divorce on grounds of adultery. He will use that testimony to take away your child. Do you want that?

I would pack up and go home to your parents. Send your husband a letter telling him you would consider reconciliation if he stops drinking for life and stops committing adultery. That would be a starting place. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

But, leave now before he tries to hold you there legally.

Epic, your WH's advances to your poor sister deserve to be addressed. He is evidently an adulterer looking for any avenue, regardless of the pain he might inflict. He inflicted plenty on your sister.

In this case, I would suggest that you request a polygraph and get the truth of what he has been up to. I suspect that it is more than you know.

X2

X2

Can he keep me in the state legally if the child hasn't been born yet and he is determined to be the father via the paternity test?

He isn't on medication and is supposed to see a counselor Monday for the first time.

I don't know the combo of the safe.

I know none of this in any way negates what i did to him.

He told me on dday that we would go to counseling together of it was his child. He told me today that he isn't the one with the problems that need to be fixed. I am the one that needs help not him. I haven't confronted him about my sister yet.

All State jurisdictions are different; with the child not being born yet, I don't know. If you move out of state first, then a different state law will probably apply. Again, I'm not sure.

EF, did you read our posts about packing up and going to your fathers?

Again, I believe you may be in an unsafe environment, and should remove yourself.

EF?

Yes, I read everything. I didn't think I should make any rash decisions. My family lives in California and I live in Virginia.

Sorry it took so long to respond, we were talking (sober) and it left me hopeful, but I'm still not sure. All the guns are locked up none that are in the safe are loaded. I had him unload them all while I watched.

That is not a "rash decision." It is a sound decision. Your own father has given you some good reasons and so have other posters here.

I strongly advise you to take the advice of those around you who possess good judgment. Even you admit that you have very poor judgement.

Calling it a "rash decision" is an excuse to make more poor decisions, EF. It is a GOOD, SOUND decision to pack up and go live with your dad. You need to listen to those around you!

EF, your ability to make sound decisions is about nil, because a) you have very poor judgment and b) you are too emotional to be objective.

I suspect you are in the habit of using your emotions and have never developed your powers of reason. This is why your life is in such a mess. Your emotions have no intelligence and will always lead you wrong.

And her mother AND her sisters.

You are very lucky to have so many people around you who want to help you.

I mean your family, and the posters here.

Rule #1 is for safety. For yor sons sake. Some distance might be a good thing... You really need to see a commitment to stop drinking and following medication before you can begin to rebuild your marriage. This is a safety issue... I see why your mom is so upset.

You are in a very unhealthy codependent relationship.

Nothing will improve in your life until you seek treatment for your own alcoholism and codependency. You do that through AA and AlAnon.

You also need to leave, as others have warned you for your own safety.
Unless you like being treated like crap and want a child raised around a drunk shouting insults to the two of you

EF-

You have received some wonderful advice here. I however am going to go at this at a little different angle. This is in no means trying to contradict the advice you have been given as this is solely your choice what to do on every front. Stay or go, AA or not etc.

Taking a big step back, I see two terribly tormented people whom under the right circumstances would like to continue their lives together. Many bad mistakes on both sides.

From the sound of things, your H�s perspective is going to be greatly influenced by the paternity test. I can certainly understand this. Also, I can relate to a certain degree about PTSD from the war. Post Dday of my W�s A, I experienced many of the same symptoms of those with PTSD. It creates an environment in which all range of emotions are felt nearly every hour of every day. I understand how unstable this makes someone, most likely you�re H.

Not making excuses for your H's drinking - totally his choice. What I am saying that he is obviously highly unstable right now. He is dealing with his own demons beyond the A's. And also taking on other people�s problems if he is getting calls from friends contemplating Suicide.

All this adds up to massive amounts of instability. He isn�t thinking clearly.

Possibly all of this has motivated him to drink. Doesn't make it right at all. However, understanding what is behind the curtain of his drinking could help you better make your decisions for yourself.

If you read what Dr. Harley writes about jump starting R, he suggests the couple go away on a long trip to reconnect. If the results come back that indeed the child is his, what do you think about a long vacation together?

It might serve several purposes. First, I honestly think he is going to be elated that the child is his and I am going to make a prediction he might just want to be close to you. Second, getting away maybe this would be the opportunity to spend QUALITY time one-on-one with him and he may not feel compelled to drink giving him a platform to think about quitting drinking or at least getting away from it for a while.

On the other hand, if they child isn�t his, it sounds like he is limiting the possibilities with you.

The point I want to emphasize is that UA time is absolutely the most critical aspect of the MB plan. You have been advised on many great things here.

Something in me just thinks that if the child is his and you are able to JUST GET AWAY for a while and re-connect again things might take a change for the better and start to fall in love again.

I am not saying I don�t recognize you have many issues to solve. Not in the least. I do understand how UA time can turn the tide. MB has opened your eyes to the extent of your problems and a roadmap to try to correct them.

You have many difficult decisions to make. However it goes I wish you the best.

Thank you to everyone. One of the stipulations of my staying if the child is his is no drinking the other is counseling. He needs it just as much as I do. I wholly recognize that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship with my husband. He doesn't realize it. He struggles with the war a lot and things were very good since pregnancy up to dday.

I know he is still incredibly hurt by the A so his regular emotions are amplified. He told me last night it will be a very hard road for me if it is my son because in addition to everything else that is wrong with me (everything that is wrong with out marriage is my fault according to my H) he also has to have the A in the back of his mind forever.

I have been neglecting my household duties this week out of pure misery I guess. He said he would have thought I would have been doing tenfold to make it up to him. I really have no idea where this is going, or if I should stay or go. I'm sure his friends and family aren't putting any positive ideas in his head. I'll keep everyone posted. I will probably wait to know the results eithe way.

The MB Program will not work if they are both alcoholics.
Her husband needs to attend AA meetings and she needs to attend AA and AlAnon meetings. So far she is just trying to control everything herself, like her husband.

EF,

Did you find out the DNA results? Wasn't that supposed to happen Wed?

I'm confused. Why do you feel you're in an emotionally abusive relationship? Why haven't you left this emotionally abusive relationship?

I suspect that there were things that could have been improved in your marriage. I doubt they were so horrid that you were being emotionally abused. If they had been, you would have left. But you didn't, did you. Especially since you have admitted that "things were very good since pregnancy up to dday." aka: since you screwed around on him and got pregnant, and he found out.
You are attempting to lay the responsibility for your infidelity at your husband's feet. Sorry, it doesn't belong there. It's all on YOU.