hi, im married for 8 years with my husband and we have a 6 yrs old daughter. i thought that my husband is almost the perfect husband and father to us, he is very caring and i thought the most loyal. until last month, i discovered his infidelity. i was shocked and truly devastated. and what it makes worst is that he has a child with his lover. i really dont know what to do upon knowing this.i really not expected it from him. i never felt that there is already something wrong with our marriage until this.i found out that their affair was already 2 or 3 years. please take note that the information i got came from my husbands lover, i have the courage to message her and ask her their story. shes one of my husband's past girlfriends.
my husband is working abroad right now.this year, before i got knowledge of his affair, we are already having problem. i constant nagged him because of time and limited communication. he dont want to talk and continues to ignore me,since he is always saying that we are always back to same problem.he felt that i demand too much.until he says that he does not know if he stills love me and he is not happy with me anymore. and then i found this affair. at first, he denies the child, but since there's a lot of evidence, he did not admit it be he only says that he cannot do something about it, it already happens.the affair happend when we are still together,i did not really felt that he is already doing something behind my back.or probably im not that sensitive or im noticing some changes but continue to ignore it.
my husband says that the affair is not the reasons why we are like this or why we have arguments.i think he is pointing out my attitude. according to him, before, he loves me so much but when we start arguing all the time and it came to a point that we already hurt each other,he says that he started to feel distant with me.
actually he did not apologize or say sorry to me, i do not even feel he is remorse about this. he says that he is not expecting us to settle this or to fix this,since he already knows me. i will just make him remind his affair every single day of our life since i have the tendency to always brought up the past.im not sure if they still have communication but according to the other woman,my husband is not talking to her since november last year. my husband did not even support her with their child( because shes not asking also).
the scenario is, my husband is still distant and not ready to discuss this whole mess.i dont know what are his plans to us and to his child from other woman. i dont know if my husband is still interested to the other woman or not. we are not talking a separation, he never says that he does not love me anymore.im confused with him.
to tell you honestly,im very hurt, but im still hoping that we could fix this. but how we could fix this if my husband already judge me or us that this cant be fix anymore because i will not forget this. forgetting is very difficult but i am willing to try.
according to him he dont have any plans to be with the other woman,he may choose to live alone. i really dont know what he's true feelings to me and to our relationship. i want to fix this, i want us to start over but right now,he dont talk and still distant. im just waiting for him to say that he dont want me anymore. do i just assume that he dont want me anymore and i just have to move on?
hi nixie, and welcome to MB. i'm sorry for the pain that brings you here.
it helps if you put some paragraph in your posts. let me see if i have this right: your WH has been having an affair for the last 2-3 years, and has had a OC with her. you discovered their affair and spoke with the OW for confirmation, which was when you learned about the OC. your WH has admitted the affair, but has made no move to break off the affair, or recover your M. does that about sum it up?
well, nixie, you have come to the right place! MB can help you restore your M, if that is your choice. you may want to consider that for awhile.
if you think you do want to stay with your WH, the first thing you need to do is read this thread:
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed. you will get lots of help here. it is important that you read the site, particularly the basic concepts, and ask questions. DO NOT tell your WH about this site!
hi letty,
thanks for the prompt reply. im sorry if have not clearly told the scenario. and since im new here, im confuse about the abbreviation you use, OC and WH( i think this is husband) =)
anyway,since i really need others point of view, here's what happened. my husband started working abroad last year.everything is fine, until this year. we already had conflict because of communication. i nagged him and he shuts me down,he ignores me.i really dont know the reason why hes like that. one of our friend told me that the only thing he is complaining is my attitude,being a nagger.
until 1 day, i found a picture of my husband and a child in an online diary where it was used as a profile pic(it was an edited pic).thats where it started, i searched the name of the child and theres where i discover the pictures of my husband with a girl.the affair happened before my husband work abroad. then i have the courage to email the girl about the affair and she admitted everything.after i have talked to the girl, i asked my husband about it, who is the child, etc. at first he denies that its his child,so, it means he has an affair since he does not directly deny the girl. my husband says that he dont have any communication with the girl anymore.
even the girl says that my husband is not talking to her anymore.i dont really know what is my husbands true feeling for the girl, but he said to me in one of his emails that he dont have any plan to be with that woman.
he did not apologize with me or i did not felt he is remorse about it. i actually feel that hes blaming me why it was happened. my husband is not talking about this mess right now,he stop communicating and what he said to me is that he thinks we cannot fix this because he already knows me.he is sure that i will only blame him and will remind him of his affair if we are still together.he does not directly said that he doesnt want this relationship anymore or that he does not love my anymore.but i feel that he has also resentment to me and he is not sure of what hes feelings to me.
what im planning to do is just to stop communicating with him until he is the one who will approached me and say to me that he really want to fix our marriage.this all happens very fast and im still in denial,but im trying to accept the reality. i just dont know what my husbands truly want and feel towards me, the other woman and their child, and even his plans for us.
here is a quick link to
abbreviations. ignoring your WH is not a good idea. you need to tell him that you will not stay in an adulterous M, demand that he end it and recover the M.
you really need to get Surviving an Affair. and also Lovebusters (there is a section in LBs about nagging, which is a LB). both are available on this site or via amazon.
i'm sorry you found out about this in such a fashion. hang in there; i'll be back tomorrow after work, and i'm sure the vets will pop in soon. weekends are slow round here! in the meantime, check out the notable posts section of the forum.
Welcome to MB nixie!!!
I am very sorry for the extreme pain that brings you here. Try to eat and sleep a bit, as much as you can. You have hard work to do.
Your husband was a good man once, but sadly all people who enter affairs become addicted to having two people or to having the opportunity to stray.
His goal is not to choose the marriage, but to keep on having an affairs while blaming you. He also doesn't want to face the fact he hurt you abominably. He did the crime but is now dodging the consequence.
That is why he keeps making complaints and delaying any resolution by saying he 'isn't ready'.
Of course like everyone else in marriage you will have made some mistakes.
You should begin Plan A, being a great spouse so he has nothing true to complain about (he still will though).
But you should also stand up for yourself and demand the travelling, lack of remorse, unwillingness etc end immediatley. Suggest he start packing if he is not ready to commit to recovery. Pleasantly.
People do not love doormats, so you must get a little tougher, in spite of your terrible pain.
A few weeks of a tough Plan A is what is called for.
Don't do anything much just yet, but make an effort with your appearance, put a good pokerface on, don't cry, don't plead and don't listen to him blaming you. Just go and do something else if he assaults you with blame.
Is he away right now?
Please listen to these clips of a WH having an affair and resulted in OC. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on An Affair results in OC Segment #2 Segment #3
Nixie, your first step will be to complete a full exposure. Tell everyone about your husbands secret second life to put an end to the secrecy.
This is a very valuable tool in disabusing Wayward spouses of the notion they can harm their marriage in secret privacy.
This link will tell you how to expose the affair partners.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653100Read it and come back here for an exposure plan. We will help you do it right.
Do not warn or threaten exposure to Wayward Husband or Other Woman!!!!
Silence until its done and they find out from others...
hi indie,
yes, he is away working abroad right now. thats why its very difficult for us to communicate. he is not actually blaming me, but he is still not communicating knor discussing what he really wants. he emailed me once, and some of my questioned were anwered, but about his future plans i dont have any idea.
but what i feel, is he has resentments with me and he is not sure already if he stills love me. im trying to communicate with him to open his heart and mind to me.
about exposing the affair, his parents and family already know this and 2 of his friends and 1 of my friend. but i have not told
it to my family. since im still waiting the right timing and for us to talk first.i want to finalize everything. im not sure if thats the right thing to do. bout the other woman, what i know is that her family knows their situation. im not just sure about this exposure plan..
but what i feel, is he has resentments with me and he is not sure already if he stills love me. im trying to communicate with him to open his heart and mind to me.
.
Addicts dont love anyone but the addiction, Nixie. He wont feel anything for you until the addiction is gone. He has a secret second life so he can pursue his addiction to affairs.
His withdrawn resentful behaviour is designed to make you feel resented and blamed. Even if he does not spell it out. Why isn't he making you feel loved and making things up to you? Because withdrawn resentful addicts dont do that. Exposure helps change their attitude many times, if they have it in them to be good husbands.
Have you read the exposure thread? Exposure is not simply about telling people. It is about everyone encouraging the wayward to stop being selfish and to work on the the marriage.
Of course you need to tell your family and the OWs family need to know too.
They need to help her stop being an adulteress and they need to help you keep the adulterers apart. WHs have been know to return to the OW after 20 years of happy marital recovery if the proper exposure steps are not taken.
Regardless of what happens, your family need to know you are in pain and need their support. They should also be asking WH what he plans to do to prevent hurting you again.
Plan A encourages you to show yourself as his best option. It is also an 'how to I use tough love to beat the addiction and safeguard myself from another affair'?
If you simply accept him back, while he is sullen and resentful - and if you dont tell everyone....
....you will simply be cheated on again.
He needs to stop acting so entitled. He needs to be apologising to the extended family for his actions and making it up to everyone by healing you properly.
Read up on Exposure so as to inform yourself how it works.
Without Exposure, you will have little help in getting him to agree to an affair-proof marriage.
Without an affair-proofed marriage, the next time he cheats your daughter will be older than she is now, and even more confused as to why marriage looks so traumatic.
Full exposure also involves children over the age of four. She needs to know the safety of her family has been put at risk and why. Children know when things are being hidden and they are being lied to.
With exposure you have a shot at an affair-proofed marriage and a recovered family for your daughter, with her father's apologies.
A chance.
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
Dr Harley has DECADES of experience dealing with sullen, resentful 'I dont know who I love' waywards. Exposure is the likeliest tool to help them see the urgency of why they have to repair their marriage for the sake of their family. He has seen it many times.
Here
Carrot and Stick of Plan A Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair. Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair
Radio clip
Dr Harley was five when he discovered his grandfather's affair.
He actively encourages betrayed spouses such as yourself not to hide or lie to any child over the age of four.
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here
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Quote:Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.
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The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.here
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How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here
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My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside..
hi indie,
thanks. i think i need to breathe. there's a lot of things going on my mind right now. i just learned the A for a week only. im trying to calm myself and everything. i feel so overwhelmed of the situation right now.
you are right, but i think i need to start from the first step.i will again read the LB,how to survive and affair and all the post regarding exposure. ill try to absorb first all of this. and then i want to know what i really want from this marriage and when i already decided what i want, ill pursue it. hope to receieve more advice from you guys.
i feel im a little bit rushing things,i cannot accept the fact that i was the one who has been cheated but im still the one whos doing and thinking on how to fix this.
nixie,
I cannot emphasise enough: get ready for exposure, and make it wide and far. Don't hold back. You have an atom bomb ready to drop on top of the affair, but you only get to drop it once.
While you're preparing for exposure, work on tossing LBs out of your life and start doing detective work to figure out your spouse's emotional needs. Once exposure hits, your spouse is going to NEED those ENs to be met.
i have started reading the thread and i think this is great.thanks
hi qohelet,
thanks also. i will defenitely follow your advises.
but im still having a hard time to accept that i have to do this for us even im the one whos hurt. and then he's not yet making any move to show or say that he wants me and he wants to fix this. is it really right that im the one who should do all this things?
and one thing, since he's far away from me, how can i show or ow i can i met his emotional needs? sorry, i know the answers are all in this website, i still need the time to read.
hi qohelet,
thanks also. i will defenitely follow your advises.
but im still having a hard time to accept that i have to do this for us even im the one whos hurt. and then he's not yet making any move to show or say that he wants me and he wants to fix this. is it really right that im the one who should do all this things?
It's not right and it's not fair, but meeting his ENs gives YOU power. Once you expose, the affair will probably be killed. When it's killed, he'll be in deep pain and be ready to have his ENs met in a week. Maybe less.
My WW says she doesn't want to be my wife, doesn't want to be around me, doesn't want me to meet any of her needs except financial and she wishes she didn't need me for that, that she hates me, that she'd like to punch me, that I've ruined her life.
I'm sticking to Plan A anyway. This affair has hurt her immensely. Now she can learn her BH is someone who will heal her.
and one thing, since he's far away from me, how can i show or ow i can i met his emotional needs? sorry, i know the answers are all in this website, i still need the time to read.
This is a toughie. Do you know what her ENs are? I had to deal with my WW moving out from the day she asked for the divorce. So far, I have:
- Taken her on two 5-day trips to a place we used to live and spent time visiting dear friends (couples), together
- Sent her plenty of cards, e-cards, notes, short e-mails, texts with compliments
- Brief 5 minute phone calls that are uplifting/positive for her. (Make it so when she sees my caller ID, she knows she's about to get her needs met, and that ABSOLUTELY NO lovebusters are waiting on the other end of the line.)
- Keep her always 100% informed of my schedule, even if she doesn't care.
Your spouse's top ENs are probably not Conversation, Affection, and Openness/Honesty, but you can meet some of them over distance.
hi nixie. how's your reading going? have you had any contact with your WH today?
do you think its a good idea to talk the other woman and get infos or whats in her mind about my WH?
what if my husband is still no reaction on what im doing? im having a hard time getting through his mind right now since he doesnt want talk. i think hes using this kind of tactic to avoid the issue.
not really, no. the number one rule in adultery: waywards lie. about everything. you wouldn't be able to trust anything she says, and there's no point upsetting yourself with what she does say.
when does your WH come home?
im still reading and im sure getting a lot of help from you and the articles. right now, my husband is still not talking. i try to communicate with him,i even tried to send him a letter. but hes not really responding in our issues. he dont want to open up. i want to take my time slowly, i feel im rushing things up.
its very difficult to think whats on his mind.
im not sure right now if my WH and OW still have communication, although last september 5, the OW told me that my husband dont communicate with her anymore since last year. the only moment they talked was when i found out the affair.according to her they also have unresolved issues,and then after that my WB did not talk to her again.
im not sure also if my WH have another A there at his current location.
you know, of course i want to fix this, but im still confuse if i should continue this especially whenever i felt his rejection to talked about this or to fix this. im just really starting, i know i can do this but im emotionally hurt. im just trying to pretend im not.
hes contract will end on january 2014. im not sure right now if he's going to continue to work there after his contract ends
im still reading and im sure getting a lot of help from you and the articles. right now, my husband is still not talking. i try to communicate with him,i even tried to send him a letter. but hes not really responding in our issues. he dont want to open up. i want to take my time slowly, i feel im rushing things up.
its very difficult to think whats on his mind.
im not sure right now if my WH and OW still have communication, although last september 5, the OW told me that my husband dont communicate with her anymore since last year. the only moment they talked was when i found out the affair.according to her they also have unresolved issues,and then after that my WB did not talk to her again.
im not sure also if my WH have another A there at his current location.
you know, of course i want to fix this, but im still confuse if i should continue this especially whenever i felt his rejection to talked about this or to fix this. im just really starting, i know i can do this but im emotionally hurt. im just trying to pretend im not.
Your H is not himself. Affairs change people. The plans are your best shot at helping him.
You don't have to make a permanent decision today. You probably won't be able to for about six months as to what you want to do.
The plans keep your options open. If you decide to recover, Exposure will prevent another affair. If you decide not to, Exposure will get you support and help you to heal. You will know you did all you could. Its also importnat your child is not lied to about what's happening right now. No matter what happens tomorrow she needs todays truth.
The plans apply in all circumstances and the sooner you can begin a Plan A including a complete exposure, the better your chances of either a marital or personal recovery.
I don't think you appreciate how much pain you are really in because you are in shock. Don't hide your pain, ask for help.
Expose.
you explained it well. ill remember what you have said.
thanks
ill update you on what i have started..
Tell us your exposure plan BEFORE you start. Only one chance to do it right.
Are you sleeping, eating OK?
im actually doing fine, im trying to busy myself.
about the exposure plan, yeah im still studying it. ill consult you first before i do it
Sleep and eat well the day before exposure. I got 3 hours of sleep on E-day and had to work the next day. I've dropped 10 or so lbs. in 2 1/2 days since.
about the exposure, since his parents are already aware of the situation, although i have not laid the evidence to them, im just planning to expose this to his friends( all of his friends) and my family. im not sure if i have to do a link showing the pictures of OW and my WH. my target also is to expose it to his friends where he is working right now. he has another facebook account which is im not aware until i found it out.
do you have other suggestions?
Exposure is about more than just making people aware of the situation. It involves telling them to help you fight for the marriage. Telling them you care. And his family will need the evidence too (if they havent seen it already) in order to confront him. If this is all taken care of with his family (asking for help and making sure they have the proof) - then great.
Workmates are typically not exposed to unless it's a workplace affair, but since they are 'friends' and he is working away with them, I agree with you, they are good targets and should be exposed to.
If you can set up a link with good evidence on it, then brilliant. This will save you time. Traditionally MBers, would just say 'If you need any proof, please contact me' but this new idea of a web link saves you having to prove it to everyone individually. they can just click and see the proof for themselves
Obviously you wouldnt do a web link unless you have good stuff to put on it - pictures/texts/emails/receipts etc. Do you?
Tell us about this secret FB account. What is on it? What is it used for? Who are his friends there? What is his relationship status/pic like?
the OW told me about my husbands other FB account. i cant get trhough since it the pictures and info are private,you could not also send a friend request and message. he has control of whom he want to add to that lists. the post are also selected, and as i can see his friends during his highscool days and co-workers are on the list,ive seen some of his public post. according to the OW, he also uses that for girls.
right now, im not worried about the OW of my H since they are also apart, and confirms that they already dont have communication since last year. they have a child,remember, but my H does not support and it seems that my H lost already his interest with the OW especially i already know the A. i have contact with the OW until now. i know what the OW wants from my husband, and she is being cooperative, i think with me. i asked her that if my husband and I will have the chance to fix this, i want her out of the picture. she actually told me that shes in the process of forgetting my husband, and shes only concern is her child. of course, i dont depend 100% on the OW statement, because i know she still have feelings. and i already accepted that they will be a part of our life especially if my husband decided to acknowledge the child.
regarding exposure, i wanted to send a private message through FB and i will attached some pics, but i wanted to appear that someone is doing the exposure for me,can i do that?and do i have to inlcude my husband in the loop?
what im bothered right now is that he may have other A on his current location.but of course he deny it. right now i dont have so much evidence. thats why i want to target his coworkers and friends on that secret fb account from this exposure. i dont even know where he lives there beacuse he stop communicating with me since june.
while im preparing for the exposure(which im still hesitant to do), can i already start with the PLAN A? my dillema is how will i do the PLAN A if our only communication is through FB or email, which he only reads my message but he does not reply.i can call him but he can ignore my calls. i dont have so much option on how can i do the plan a. i wanted to know if theres an effective way to catch his attention or to communicate with a man like this? he can ignore me if he wants to,and that is what hes doing right now.he does not even communicate with my child.thats what frustrates me.
So you're living apart since June and only communicating through FB and he doesn't always reply?
Have you seen a lawyer?
nixie,
I'm unclear on your situation. If you are not in any regular physical contact and he won't be around you or meet with you, it may be time to start Plan B, followed by Plan D.
Dr Harley advises wives to do Plan A for 3 weeks, followed by Plan B.
I would also see a lawyer about legal separation and spousal support/child support for you and your child. Your local child support/welfare office can also assist with emergency child support to get the ball rolling on that quickly.
my husband is working abroad, in the middle east since 2011. so we are apart right now since im here in the Philippines.actually we are ok, we have a constant communication and he is supporting us financially. until 2012, we always have arguments, mainly because im demanding extra time from him.until i found out his affair that happened here in the philippines just recently. according to the OW,their affair started 2009 until 2011, and they have OC.
my husband is financially supporting us continuously, but we do not communicate often.i have a little knowledge of his activities there and here i found out that hes keeping a separate FB account.hes been totally distant and ignoring me.we are not talking about separation right now.
so how can i perform the plan A since he is working far away from me