ok here we go! married for ten tears real young then d. reconciled 8 yrs later together last 12 w had ea turned pa with pos from her childhood, she was caught by adult children. youngest is not my bio d. anyway starts contact w youngest d.s dad while still in our house two weeks after the first a. w would not recommit to r so i told her to move out. w convinced d,s to move with her to try to have a happy family. our son 26 is so mad he hates her and his g friend is due in oct. w is 46 i.m 45. been reading saa any advice?

Advice is to enter plan b as detailed in the SAA book

i.ve heard the script and fogbabble it continues to this day. i do love this woman and why does she keep going for guys with no job no car no life? also my d,s seem to support what she,s doing should i p.b them also?

Hi Beatup, the "text speak" can be a little hard to read, I understand it might take a while if you are on a phone or something but if you can write a little clearer it would help.

Did you re-marry? It sounds like you did not re-marry. Did she re-marry after you divorced? You said her youngest was not your child so it sounds like she has gone back to her "ex" that she was with after you divorced?

Sounds like a woman who flip flops between past lovers. If she refuses to re-commit to your marriage then as HDW says, Plan B.

i know i was in the renters role but i felt as comitted as before when we were married. no she she did not remarry after our divorce. basically ive been doing plan a for about 4 months and ive been accepting scraps. i cut off contact for about 2 weeks and she kept calling or texting.ive also read his needs her needs.

I don't think Plan B applies to your kids.

You need to prepare a plan b letter.
You can copy the one from SAA and modify it slightly.

Are you married to her now?

Also plan B is to protect yourself from your wayward wife.

The daughter is probably confused about all of this.

we are not married. she wants to give me a scrap by meeting me for lunch. our kids are step d 19 d 21 s 26 she is shacked up with step d,s dad. of course no job no car! she seems to view me as om. i guess she thinks we will be friends but not a chance! our kids are grown but i,m trying to stand steady because there in there own r,s and i dont want them to accept what she,s doing as acceptable

should i stay in plan a longer or just go to plan b ? it seems like the more time we spend together the more she opens up. she apologized for hurting me but hasnt admitted to either the 1st or current crap shes done or doing.

If you aren't (re)married then I'd count yourself fortunate and cut ties with this person.

thats what my head says but my heart says something else. we all know logically their a pos but we had 12 good years and then the aliens showed up.our first grandchild is do in oct. and our son wont talk to her and only gets madder as time goes on.

The relationship between your son and his mother is between them. I'd just listen to what he says but not intervene there.

Following his lead regarding 'no contact' may not be a bad thing, either.

i am trying to be strong. its hard to when you and your kids are hurt and angry. the things he says about his mom would make your hair curl.

another day more babble. yesterday we had lunch and i feel like i wasted my breathe asking if she is with om? maybe its her soft spot to land while she figures out what to do next. well her big talk is wed night with our son and he wont tip toe around so she is gonna get some hard questions from him. i feel like i,m trying to get a deer to eat from my hand so no lb,s. i can see it in her face she has a wall between us and today she asked for a break. plan b is getting close.

I would go into Plan B--your kids are grown, and it sounds like one of them is already doing no-contact with your WW.

And since you two aren't married, you're in a Renter or Freeloader situation. Nothing good ever comes from that.

Agreed. Every SECOND you spend with someone like that is a second less you could have spent with someone else who is actually worth the attention. We are all given a fixed amount of time in our lives - spend it wisely or end up living with a lot of regrets over what you "could have done". Plan B for YOU, not that wayward woman.

great advice just hard to follow. ive been reading saa do you guys think i should try to get her to read it?

You and she aren't married, so it's not really an affair. I'm not sure what it is. Cheating on your boyfriend, I guess? Does the phrase "Cheating on your ex-husband" make any sense?

It might be useful for her own self-discovery to read SAA.

NOO ... you can NOT educate a wayward .. it will only help her justify her affair .. If she reads it at this point she will only see what YOU have NOT done to fulfill her emotional needs and will not see her own contribution the affair.

BTW .. LEAD your heart .. DONT follow it. It can very easily lie to you. Feelings change .. Facts do not. Stick with a plan.

Also ... dating is like an interview for marriage ... she is failing bad. I wouldnt hire her to the position you are seeking her be in.

beatup, you need to put down your copy of Surviving an Affair and go buy a copy of "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders".

SAA doesn't apply to your situation.

ok i understand we were not married. but in our eyes and in most states there is common law and just a question ? what about domestic partners getting married ? some recognize and some dont! anyway yes i believe we should have got married. she wore my ring for whatever thats worth. i do understand the concepts of brf,s and apparently that piece of paper doesnt sway a waywards view on affairs. the end result is i,m wanting to start a new r with her but she is still foggy at this point. thanks for the advice i know you guys are right i just gotta get it into my thick skull.