I had recently post about this before but I was told this site would be better to get serious feedback.

After around 6 years of marriage I felt that my life couldn't get any better, I married the women that I felt in love with in college and were together for 2 years before our marriage. We have 1 son and he is turning 3 this year.

Around 6 months ago I found out my wife had been cheating on me. However, when I heard this I felt empty inside there was no expression on my face. She told me that "I love you and I don't want to lose you."

I then left the room and heard my wife crying. I went to work and did my usual daily routine until my boss stopped me and asked what was wrong. I said "I am fine" but he try to pry me open since he was my best friend after all and he seem to know something was up.

Close to a month of trying to get me to talk I finally cracked and couldn't hold it in anymore. I told my best friend everything about my wife cheating on me. He told me to take a vacation and that I didn't have to work until I can sort out my life. When I got home my wife tried to talk to me and kept saying that I need to say something but I haven't talked to her since she told me. I told her that I love her but every time I look at her I can only see images of her lying and cheating with another man.

Even though she hurt me, we still want to make it work but I can not get the image of her cheating on me out of my head. I been having nightmares about it every night. Its like I have to relive it each night. My wife been trying really hard and been trying to have sex with me but I feel too depressed and disgusted with her.

One week ago we manage to have sex recently even though it was great ***EDIT**. Its still wasn't the same compassion we had before the affair. I feel thorn in two with a part of me wanting to forget and love her the same way but the other part wants nothing to do with her.

I just can't seem to forget that every time I look at her loving eyes I am reminded that those same eyes were looking at another man the same way. I been depressed for almost 3 or so months she been taking care of me but I keep reliving the same nightmares in my dreams. I try my best to suppress my feelings of sadness and angry so I don't hurt her feelings but is burns me up inside.

I do not understand how this happened I always put her first in my life. I supported her through her depression, I took off from work whenever she needed me, I took her on dates to her favorite places almost 2 times a week when we were off. I could go on and on about what I have done for her but what bugs me the most is I did not see any signs of her cheating. She never withdraw anything beside the affair from me. We continue to have sex on the regularly bases.

I feel less of a man every time I kiss her. Its like a kick in the nuts knowing what she had done.

Well, technically, you have already forgiven your wife's transgressions. Forgiveness is best defined as declining to seek redress (or vengeance) for a wrong done to you by another. Had you not "forgiven" her you would be actively pursuing a dissolution action now.

I think what you're asking is how to get past the pain she caused you and return to a state approximating that you believed you were in until she had her affair, and you discovered it. Is that correct?

Well, I haven't told her that I forgive her although I am still at the house. I feel emotionally I can not tell if I can still love her the way I did before since I have never told anyone outside my family that I love them.

I am conflicted between loving her and leaving her. I could never hurt her even though she did. I don't know if I can stay with her even though I am trying to.

Well, the bad news is that what is going to be required to put you and your emotions back together will be long, arduous, fraught with potential for missteps, and quite possibly doomed to failure regardless of the efforts invested.

The good news is that little of this is yours to do. The majority of the burden will be on her.

You can, however, get the process started. Order "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" from this website. Locate, print out, and each complete the appropriate Emotional Needs Questionnaire, also on this site somewhere. (Brainy?)

It would be helpful, one might say necessary, to set in your mind that you will take no marriage-ending decision for two years, to give the program time to work.

Hang in there, my friend, there are many folks who came here as lost and confused as you are, and they are still around, answering questions like yours, having emerged from the fire.

Have you read this?

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
Letter #1

Ok, I guess I will be the one to ask the obvious. Did she end all contact with the OM? Who is the OM? is he married, and if so, have you personally informed his wife?

Has she given you all the details of the affair? Answered all your questions?

Does WW work with the OM?
How did WW meet the OM?

Recovery takes from 2 to 5 years.

Sorry I haven't been able to reply in a while but I was busy sorting out my depression.

Yes, she stop seeing him and told me what happened. She had met him at his work. He was working at a petshop when she was looking for some toys to get our dog.

I had a talk with my wife again today. I am slowly starting to forget but she can still tell that I am hurting. I try to smile and bare with it. I still manage to say "I love you" to her each day.

Is he married? And if so, have you informed his wife?

Have you spoken to him yourself?

I kinda asked this same question a long time ago:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=152591&Number=2115802#Post2115802

After Dday 1, I did not forgive my then H for about a year. There was a Dday 2 and we are now divorced so forgiveness had no part in any sort of marital recovery.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone other than your boss/friend? Is OM married?

Has she told you everything you want to know about the affair? Is OM married? What is his name, do you know it - you'll want this information.

As a BH who came here over a year ago, let me say to you, it will get better. That's not to say there won't be bad moments, I still have them.... But they are not as deep or as long.

Listen to the Vets and take their advice. Answer their questions so they can give you the best advice. Try to post as often as you can.

To answer your questions.

No, he is not married and no I have not spoken to him yet.
Also, only me, my boss, and my wife know about the affair.

Sunday will be a slow response day, but I will respond as often as I can. I know what you are feeling.... Your mind won't let go, it's called triggering. What helps is to know everything about the affair. Has she answered every question you have? Have you read Surving an Affair? SAA helped me get through the worst days.

How long ago was your DDay? It took me several months before I wanted to have SF from my WW.

You've come to the right place. Read and listen.

Michael,

I feel strange giving you this advice because I was a wayward, but I know it is something that the vets here would do. You need to expose this affair far and wide. I know this seems cruel and seems like a step back from recovery but it is actually the first step to true recovery.

The fact that very few people know about the affair allows a chance that it could re-spark in the future. I know this might sound like it is impossible but it is not. The more people that are exposed to the A the less chance it can continue in the future.

My H exposed my affair to everyone we knew. Yes, I hated him at the moment because he made me look so horrible. Now I thank him every day. Not only did it kill the affair but it brought the true reality of what I did to light.

Affairs put you in a fantasy world. Exposing the affair snapped me out of the fantasy and put me into the reality of what I had done to everyone around me. This is what Dr. H says is the first step to true recovery. It is hard, your wife will probably not be very happy about it, but it DOES WORK!!!

Also, my H was in your boat for a very long time. He went back and forth between loving me and leaving me. It is totally your choice what you do. I would strongly suggest sticking with MB and letting the people here help you through whatever decision you make. My H never felt comfortable posting on here but he did read a lot and found a lot of people on here to help him through the hard times.

I wish you the best and hope your WW gets on here too. This website SAVED me from who I was!!!

Expose WW parents and siblings, OM is single then you still expose his parents. Also expose OM's work place.

Mike-

I recommend you follow the procedures that make up the heart of this program.

Even 3 months later you should expose this affair to family and friends. And it should be done for the same reasons.

I think you have not gone thru the critical first steps to recovery and thus you are emotionally at day 1 even 3 months later.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I talked to my wife about exposing the affair and yes she didn't like the idea but has agree to go through with it.

I told her that even though she hurt me, that I will still be there to support her like always.

Although I have now truly forgiven her, I still have my days when I feel like giving up. When I found out my wife did cheat on me was also the first time I ever cried. I can tell she been trying so hard to earn my trust.

I still have doubts about her but worst I been doubting myself. I feel like most of this was my fault that I had failed as a husband.

You don't tell your wife about exposure.

Since she has agreed, have her write the no contact letter now.

Who is the OM?

What is she doing to eliminate the conditions that allowed her affair?

Read this and tell us your plan.
Exposure 101

Thanks for all the advice so far guys. This means more to me than you will ever know.

After going to counseling for the 6 time, I was told that I finally came to terms with my feelings about the affair. When I went there today I had all this pent up anger and depression that I been hiding from my wife. I told him that I didn't want her to see me angry and upset.

He advice that I tried to contact some of my friend and relieve some of the stress. I feel like things are getting better. I still reflect what happen over the pass few months. I remember when my wife told me that I should sleep with someone else to get over the fact that she cheated on me. Obviously, that was a bad idea and I am glad that I didn't do it. Instead, I told her that I didn't want to hurt her and that we could get through this.

Also, we wrote the letter and the person she cheated with was someone she knew back in high school. She told me that she had felt vulnerable at the time. She still won't tell me what exactly made her vulnerable. I think about that almost everyday.

I ask her why she felt the need to keep things from me. Before the affair we never fought and always supported each other. In fact, the first day at my work I told my boss that I will always put my family over work. As serious as I was he laughed and say that he likes that I am a family man.

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you guys know I been doing.

The relationship between me and wife have been getting better. Although I sometimes get hit by my depression which seems to be on and off. Today I found myself just sitting in my car not really wanting to do anything on my way to college. My depression comes in "waves" at times and is very unpredictable. My guess is since I had kept a lot of it bottled up deep inside.

I think now my wife knows the true extend of damage because of her actions. I try my best to hide it but she notices anyways.
When my wife cheated on me, she didn't just lose my trust but my confidence, my affections , and the way I uses to look at her. Every time she sees me like that, she starts crying and can't stop telling me how much she regretted what she had done to me.

I have tried my best to avoid reveling my depression to her because although she hurt me more than anyone has ever had I still don't want her to suffer.

Michael
I am sorry that you are depressed.
I suggest you visit a doctor and ask if you need anti depressant medication.

Regarding your recovery, I suggest you follow the Marriage Builder recovery program.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley?

Micheal,
The wound is still fresh and what you feel us normal. See a dr about some anti depressants if you feel you aren't getting any better. I was on them myself for 6 months.

Hang in there and follow the advice of those on this forum.

Not yet as I been extreme busy with college and work. The end of the semester in only a couple of days now I even though I am doing great in my class I don't want to slip up.

I really appreciate all the support and advice. My friends at work have been trying their best to cheer me up and I already have a feeling they got something planned.

I want so badly to forget about my wife's mistake more than anything. I depressingly want to love her the same way. To shower her in my affection the way I uses to before. I miss her smile so much, that is tears me up inside that I still can't seem to fully overcome this rage and sadness.

I still feel like this is all my fault. That I deserve my wife cheating on me.

No one deserves that.

MJR,

Your feelings are normal.... its a and there will be some very deep drops. Hold in there. Keep coming here with updates. See a Dr about some AD's if you feel you cannot slow the drops. I did and it worked for me.

Stay strong and good luck on your finals.

No one deserves to be cheated on. She could have taken another route. The saying is .. "There are reasons, but no excusses"

Hang in there. Time will ease the shock and aw of the affair.

Michael. There is a narrow path that you need to follow to rebuild the trust and romantic love. It does not happen on its own. I tell you that from personal experience. It took me over a year after DDAY to find MB. I found MB because I was not getting past the rage even after over a year later and the reason I was not getting past the rage and hurt is because I had no idea what to do. MB gave me the direction to follow to be in my now recovered marriage.

You have found MB but you do not seem to be implementing any of the recovery items and in order to recover, you need to implement every single one of them. You have to pick up the tools and use them.

Have you:
exposed to people of influence in BOTH WW and OM life?
established NC for life?
spend 20+ hrs of UA time per week?
exercise POJA and RH?
established complete transparency?
eliminated all conditions that allowed a secret second life to be possible?
Identified each others EN so you can each begin to meet them?
Read the book Surviving an Affair?

Where are you with these? Trying to just forget and sweep it under the rug is not in your best interests if you would like to recover and be in a happy and healthy marriage.

Michael,

Is the OM still close by, and do you or your W pass by that pet store on a daily basis?

Have you confronted the OM or exposed him?

God Bless
Gamma

Why do you feel it is your fault?
What have you done that makes you believe that ?

To be honest, I am not exactly sure. I was feeling pretty down that day for some reason.

My guess is, its not what I did that the affair then happen as a result but more so on what I could have done more to provide it.I know that I can get pretty busy and with my wife working as well sometimes we might not always have time for each other.

However, I still can't shake the feeling that I really did my best. I always put my work aside whenever she asked. I can't read her thoughts unless she tells me. I don't focus her to tell me anything but I guess she misunderstood me. Which might have been why she felt she was being neglected but I still can't place my finger on it.

I have devoted so much time and effort to always make sure that she knew I love her. In fact, this might be the cause of my anger that I can't find any good reason why she would cheat on me. I can not even recall any part of our marriage that was neglected for more than 2 days. I feel so infuriated. I myself have never cheated but when I try to put myself in her shoes I can not pick out any reason that would be big enough to lead to an affair.

This is probably making me so anger because I feel she still has not given me the real answer about why she did it. At first, it was many thing but now she is unsure which pisses me off. The only thing worst that not having a good reason why is not having one at all.

Stop grilling her about it!!! Your wife probably can't give you a solid reason why because there isn't one, other than poor boundaries around men.

Dr. Harley's most basic premise is that we are ALL wired to have affairs.

A lot of times a spouse will stray because their emotional needs aren't being met and someone else steps in and starts meeting them.

Other times emotional needs can be met just fine by the spouse, but an affair happens anyway.

The whole marriage builders program is based on two things: Eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible by putting into place extraordinary precautions, and restore romantic love by meeting each other's most important emotional needs.

Poor boundaries around men is why she had the affair - now you have your answer so stop persecuting her about it, and stop beating yourself up about it. And get busy restoring romantic love!

Yes, Pokerface most of your questions have already been answered in my previous posts. Although I still have a lot of pent up emotions, I do not plan to police my wife.

I do not have the energy or time. The way I see things, it took so much out of me to forgive her and gave her a second chance. If a 2nd affair were to happen and I hope to god that never happens but if it were to happen then I would not have it in me to do it again.

Anyways, with my exams coming to a close on the 11th I need to stay focus on completing my courses with the best grades I can achieve. I do not want all my efforts to go to waste at the end. Funny when you think about it, how I can related my classes to my marriage. But at least my effort were rewarded in my classes, wish I could have said the same in my marriage.

Schtoop, I have only asked her 2 times. I only feel that its should be fair that I know why. I am not "grilling her" so please don't make me out me be the bad guy. I am only telling you what I feel right now.

Can you at least put yourself in my shoes? You put literally years of your life into a marriage, only to have it taken from you. My wife was honestly the first and only girl I have ever open up to and gave her everything. She had my love, trust, and I never kept any secrets from her. I always thought about her everyday. I wanted to find new places to go but to only share it with her. I share everything I had with her then for her to take that and share it with another makes me sick inside.

I didn't say that you should police your wife.

You haven't read the book or much on this site have you? Get the book Michael...things will start to make sense.

Michael
I am in your shoes. I was married for 28 years when my W had her A.
I am 52 and she still is the only woman I have ever been with.
I used to be the only man she had ever been with.
I stayed awake for days and lost 90 pounds trying to understand why.
I found out why... poor boundaries with OS and unmet EN's on top of 25 years of IB. The same as your wife and every other WS.
It will get better over time if you follow MB concepts.
Listen to the vets here and read SAA and every thing on MB.
I hindered our M recovery by not following the narrow path , don't make the same mistake brother!

Wle,
That is not necessarily true.
Your wife may have had an affair even if you polished her shoes every morning.

It is a choice that they make.

If unmet emotional needs were a reason, then everyone with disabled spouse would be having affairs.

It is a choice.

It's a horrible thing to have full trust in someone and be stabbed in the back.

It really is about poor boundaries.
The bible says The Heart of man is desperately wicked.
We desire sin. We crave the darkness.

Satan wants to destroy families and marriages. He wants fatherless children that turn to drugs and gangs.

Your wife was tempted and fell into sin.

To ask the specific reason why is to ask Why did eve eat the fruit?

Why, is a pointless question when asking a WS why did you have an affair.

Remember whether the OP was a master manipulator, or the the WS had poor boundaries, Or they let the OP get to close and got on the slippery slope of an EA that went down hill to a PA.

The WS as WS do rewrite their marriage history to justify them having an affair. On dday that false history implodes.

The BS that needs to know why is just looking for a reason to beat themselves up for neglecting their WS, or to prove to their WS that there was no reason for their WS to pin the affair on the BS.

Out side of getting the WS to admit that they are a hoe/manhoe. There is no reason to push for the why.

And, recovery will not work well when the BS keeps calling their WS a hoe/manhoe.

Meet her ENs set up EPs and the rest will fall in line. Simple to type hard to do but if you want recovery it will be baby steps

Well its Christmas eve and things have been relativity quiet. We been following all the advice that everyone here has given us.

However, over the past month she has been growing cold to me and has been going out more. Am I wrong to get suspicious? Because before the affair I had complete faith in her and never really question that she would never cheat. I feel like I have done everything I can to forgive and forget. I have not bought up anything about the affair since I forgave her.

She still seems to be there for me as a wife but I can't shake the feeling that she could be cheating on me again. What can I do?

...she has been growing cold to me and has been going out more. Am I wrong to get suspicious?

Well, I'm glad you came here so I could allay your suspicions.

It is almost a certainty that your wife is "going out" with the express intent of trolling for another affair partner, or hooking up with one she has already found.

Let's review, shall we? You married the "perfect woman" and she cheated on you. You found out and spent countless days telling us how you blamed yourself, as much as we told you it was all on her. You and she papered over the appalling betrayal she committed without exposure, JC, or establishing EPs, and you found it expedient to "trust" her again. SURPRISE!!!!! She's off to have, or continue, an affair for the second time. Does that about sum it up?

Merry Christmas!

Like I said already did that or maybe you are just looking to pick a fight. At least that is what I am getting from your post. If I had wanted someone post troll remarks I would have gone to a different site.

You seem to take pleasure in making people in pain feel worse. It is vile. I hope when something bad happens to you (and it will), you experience the contempt that you so lavishly disperse to others.

Merry Christmas!

I disagree, NG is sayi g the truth in a direct manner. Correct me if I'm wrong but pokerface asked you if you did JC, EP, read HNHN and SAA and you didn't reply.
So I will take that as a no. You set yourself up for false recovery. You need to read the material and the site and apply them now! She acting the same because she suffered 0 consequences for her poor choice of cheating so why would she change?! Cause she loves you?! Doubt it, I'm pretty sure out WWs are in the same script! Dutiful bus and working didn't show wife enough attention. The wife asked for more attention and affection using poor communication and bam affair. Read the books learn the concepts and apply them. I am sorry that we are both here on the site but you have a chance to fix it. Amazon.com now and buy the books surviving affair, his needs her needs, love busters! Oh and email the good doctor your questions as well! Good luck I've and many others have given you the weapons needed to slay this monster! Hop to it!

My question is why are allowing her to go out? Obviously you can't force her to stay at home, but if she really is trying to recover you two should be spending your free time together, and she should be willing to put any social life you aren't directly involved in on hold indefinitely. To me that is part of Just Compensation to the Betrayed spouse. It will be some time before you develop a manageable trust for your spouse again, and she needs to be sensitive to your feelings and do any and everything to show you she is serious about saving your marriage. It doesn't sound like that is the case right now. Sounds like you don't, and you shouldn't be comfortable or trust her going out.

I suggest you talk to her about this. Have her either write a daily schedule for you. Or inform you to her whereabouts at all times, especially in the early stages of recovery. There should be no social contact in any situation with other men around. And certainly no bars, hang outs, etc.

Stop keeping your feelings to yourself. I fee like you should tell her how you feel. Not just throw the subject aside and pretend like it didn't happen. You two need to communicate, comes to terms with the fact it happened, and take it one day at a time. Although you don't need to throw the affair in her face or have angry outbursts (I know from experience), I feel like you should be comfortable enough to say something along the lines of

"in light of everything that has happened, I would really appreciate it if you refrain from going out while we try to work on our marriage."

have you guys written EP's, because her hanging out socially should certainly be on it. We wrote ours with the help of Jennifer, and they are meant to keep the marriage affair proof as well as help you feel comfortable during the recovery process. Best of luck to you and Merry Christmas.

I read NG's post 3 times looking for anything vile or anything that demonstrated contempt and cannot find it. What I did find was a very much needed truthful statement that is designed to wake up this poster. This poster is in a deep fog and is sitting on the railroad tracks with a train headed his way. His situation is very dire and does not warrant cute, soft words, but a baseball bat to the head.

It is obvious to us that his wife is either in an affair or is trolling for one because Michael is not in recovery. He has not taken any of the first steps, which would be to affair proof the marriage and create an integrated, transparent, romantic marriage. That has not even begun. And that is because he is not using Marriage Builders.

Michael, have you considered using Marriage Builders?

I am baffled why any married person would go out at night without their spouse. I fail to see how that would ever complement any marriage. That is valuable time that should be spent with one's spouse, not squandered on friends. WHO puts up with that??

The problem is that you did forgive her. Your inappropriate "forgiveness" only opened the door for more abuse and neglect. That is why you find yourself in this terrible place. Harley doesn't believe in feel good forgiveness, but in Just compensation:

here

Those "remarks" are not labeling you as a troll.

Those words of wisdom as the other one's before are ignored by you.

Sad to say you tremble in fear from your WW.

Your WW is smart she knows how to make you too afraid to take action against her affair.

Thing is why you let your WW do this to you.

Your WW and the OM are banging each other's brains out now.

**edit**

So how is getting your WW mad at you going to make her do anything worse then what she and her OM are doing now?

So please answer this question ASAP.

Also, only me, my boss, and my wife know about the affair...I feel like I have done everything I can to forgive and forget.

These statements are precisely your problem, dude, and demonstrate your ignorance of the MB program you tried to "audit" instead of enrolling in.

MB rejects entirely the premise of keeping the affair "private". MB does not support "unearned" forgiveness and "enabling" forgetfulness, in any form, at any time. You obviously did nothing to expose her affair to her entire world, demand JC from her after her prior infidelity, nor enact EPs to prevent her current/imminent one. (Certainly the first EP would have been "WW does not go 'out' socializing without BH - ever!")

As to why you came to this site - it certainly wasn't to learn and operate on the principles behind it. People that do so don't re-appear a few weeks later, bemoaning, "Oh dear, I've navel-gazed SO HARD, and WW is doing it to me again!"

So maybe I am picking a fight with the conflict-avoiding persona you have presented thus far, hoping the righteously angry and determined side of you can be brought out.

t/j to my colleague, Neverguessed: if something bad ever happens to me and I sit on the railroad tracks crying instead of taking action, I fully expect you to smack me with a baseball bat!

My dear friend, were that situation ever to arise, I would worry more about the locomotive's safety than yours!

You sorry SOB!

t/j

NG,

I have to say I, myself, always appreciate your honesty.

In defense of NG:

Without your caring, thoughtful honesty, I don't know if my marriage would have survived.

THANK YOU and Merry Xmas!!!

Kerala, when I was on the receiving end of NG's posts when I first arrived here, there were many times I was offended and thought why am I here? It was really hard to take at times. The brutal honesty is what I needed, not once or twice, but months of it, and i am serious about months of it. I was a tough fogged out BS to crack.

I am greatful for his posts now as well as many others. Sometimes it takes many posters and many different styles to help the betrayed and the waywards on the right path.

Come on, is that really necessary. Not going to do anything to persuade him to do the right thing by being borderline abusive and showing absolutely zero compassion for his situation.

I would worry more about the locomotive's safety than yours!

shaddup!

Showing compassion and coddling is going to get this guy NOWHERE.

Well, Mike, there you have it!

With the landslide of advice running 9 to 1 in favor of taking a radical, severe, and uncompromising stand against ongoing infidelity directly with your WW, do you possibly start to suspect that there are reasons for our confidence in that tactic? The single salient reason is that IT WORKED FOR US! Most of us used the program to "shock" our WSs out of their illicit activities, and back to our marriages. The remainder had the unpleasant reality of finding that their WSs, when presented with the transparent choice between "honor" or "betrayal", sadly chose betrayal. At that, the choice was sufficient to facilitate the BS's decision to end the torment of living a life based upon a WS-fabricated set of lies.

We are waiting to see if you want our help, or just the use of this space to whine and lament. What is it to be?

DITTO!! NG scared the you know what out of me and I hated to hear what he said to me at first. Guess what? It was some of the best advice I have every gotten and everything he said was true.

Mike, I was a WW, not once but twice. The first time we kept it quiet and my H never actually forgave me. He just pushed it aside and we pretended like it never happened. We moved on with our lives for 13 years with the pain of the A always lingering in our marriage.

13 years later, not getting the awesome advice that I get on this site, I once again put myself in a risky situation and ended up having another affair. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. The saying goes forgive and forget, not one or the other.

Forgivness does not mean to push aside the problems of your marriage and allow your wife to do whatever she wants. This is something both my H and I had to figure out. There is no way to make your marriage "safe" if you or your wife are out doing "unsafe" things.


I an also very curious why your wife feels the need to go out without you? I know that you feel like if you try to control her that it will push her further away but I can guarantee that allowing her to do whatever she likes is only going to prolong your pain and destroy your marriage.

I longed for the OM right after my affair. If my BH would have allowed me to go out and do whatever I wanted, I can almost guarantee I would have attempted to continue my affair.

If your wife is serious about saving your marriage, she will be happy to make you safe and not make you feel bad about it. Right now, you are allowing her to be a cake eater... and she knows this. You are going to have to give her a dose of tough love or she is going to continue to hurt you.

NG's advice might have been hard to hear, but he actually gave you the best Christmas present you could ever ask for. He is trying to give you a marriage plan that will save your marriage, make it stronger, and help you recover.

Listen, learn, and stop letting your wife be a wayward and thinking that you can just "forget" everything and let her continue doing whatever she wants.

fifteen years (aka ex-wayward wife)

Mike, I've just read your thread and wanted to add to the comments re NG's post.

Unless you follow the steps to affair proof your M your M will never recover. If the conditions that allowed the A to happen are not eliminated and your wife is not held accountable it is very likely she will rekindle the A or begin a new A.

Your WW's change in behaviour - cold, going out alone is a

NG's posts are honest and at times direct but often this is intended to make his point and get through to BS or WS. It is not designed to cause further pain but to shine the light on the reality of a situation.

The direct posts may not be easy to read/accept but neither is the pain of infidelity & wayward behaviour. It is far better to be armed with the knowledge and tools that will help your own personal and marital recovery.

Ive been married for 14 years.i found out my wife was having a 4 year affair off and on with an old friend.I'm going Thru the same thing.even tho now my marriage seen perfect I still see him just like you..my wife complain about my body now I'm in perfect shape.she complain about me not being home much .now I'm at home doing alot of family activity.sometimes in her sleep I kiss her from head to toe.i never knew how to show love.i breathe the air she breathe I watch her in her sleep.i now listen and keep eye contact when she speak.my pride was my enemy.but now I'm in shape a lot of women have been noticing and now I'm curious of how it would feel to be with another women.?i was in the hospital twice for panic attacks,stress anxiety attacks.i have never been thru this type of trauma .but u most find some type of hobby to keep u busy.you most find a way to make you a better people.thats what I did .some people are just not happy with them selfs.all you can do is try your best.but on the way there make you a priority .i brought new clothes I changed almost everything about me.for her to cheat something was missing find it and give it to her 20fold.show her what u r looking for was right here all along.

FMF, you should probably copy your post above and paste it into a new thread just for your benefit.

Sorry, you're here, but as long as you have to be here, you might as well get the maximum benefit possible.