Does an affair change a person? - 11/15/12 07:28 PM
Together for 8 years, married for 2 years (just wedding ceremony, didn't legalize it) I thought I knew this guy, and today I learned that I never knew who he truly was..
We met in a graduate school, went through some tough times together, got good jobs that pays well. the problem was my job was in a different country. We got married as we felt it was a natural, right thing to do and started a long distance marriage. We both have flexible jobs, so we spent 4-5 months together.
When he visited me in March, he talked about us going seperate ways. I was shocked because I didn't see it coming although I knew we were growing apart emotinally recently. I immediately asked him if there was someone else. He denied it and I belived him. He held me back from me going to where our home was( where he lives)to spend summer there with him. I was all puzzled but waited with patience. When I could not take it any more and brought up the idea of me divorcing him, he freaked out and let me come home. So I went. Then, after a week later, he told me he really wanted to divorce me. I cried, and he tried to kick me out of his/our house to a hotel, but i asked him if I could stay in the guest bedroom. He let me, but went to a hotel saying that he could not deal with the aftermath. I later learned that the day his mistress told him to divorce me to prove he didn't use her for sex and he called her to his hotel room every night.
After three days, he took a Russian visitor in his department (later learned that she was the ow) to a nearby airport, and came back home saying that he could stay home now as he was feeling better. Then all the verbal and emotional abuse started...over the two months when I was sleeping in the guest bedroom, he blamed me for everything...even for him not having many friends was my fault. He couldn't decide if he'd come back to the country where i have a job to spend the remaining summer break(yes, he is a professor) working on our marriage. Just a week before my departure date, he decided to come with me, and I got happy and at the same time scared. Then, in the morning on the day we were supposed to leave, he told me he could not get on that airplane. He just said that. He looked like a mad man, i got devastated and scared but said "you are sick. Let me help you". That was when he said " there's another woman that entered my life".
He then got really cold toward me, insisted on taking me to the airport, and he would go to his hometown where his family lives to "protect" himself. I begged him to stay and offer me some explanation to make it real for me, and help me pack my stuff and ship to to my house. At the end he did, and I learned that he even moved in with his mistress before I came back, moved my clothes and pictures out of her sight. He said the only thing he regret was to tell me the truth on the d-day. I stayed in a hotel. The next two days, he was remorseful and even asked for my foregiveness. Then I came back to the country where i am now, and he called me several times for the first two weeks. Then, he didn't call me for a week. When I called him, he was cold. I asked he contacted her, and he said no. I stopped calling him as it was hurting me too much. A month later, we had to talk because of the project we were working on together. I asked him if he contacted her. This time, he said yes, but tried to sound like he talked her several times only. But, I later learned that he went to Russia to see her, and skype/talk to her everyday. So I had limited contact only through emails about our project together for the past two months.
Then today he asked me if I would share liability for the loan he took from his mom to buy my engagement ring, and otherwise if i would give the ring back to him. I could not belive it. I got furious, and expressed my feelings in emails to him. Then he said i was abusing him emotionally, he was acting with dignity, but i wasn't. I asked him what about $25,000 that I alone paid for the wedding ceremony. He didn't say anything about it but he said he wanted the ring because it was the most expensive thing he owns besides his car.
I knew that he was self-absorbed, but i didn't know he had serious narssistic personality disorder. I felt like my 8 years were a waste, and he took all the good memories away from me. I cried several times today.
I want to ask other people if he is "normal" to ask me pay for the engagement ring at this point because I just cannot comprehend how he could act like this without shame?
What happened to him? Or was I not seeing who he truly is for 8 years?
Thank you for letting me vent. I needed it today.
We met in a graduate school, went through some tough times together, got good jobs that pays well. the problem was my job was in a different country. We got married as we felt it was a natural, right thing to do and started a long distance marriage. We both have flexible jobs, so we spent 4-5 months together.
When he visited me in March, he talked about us going seperate ways. I was shocked because I didn't see it coming although I knew we were growing apart emotinally recently. I immediately asked him if there was someone else. He denied it and I belived him. He held me back from me going to where our home was( where he lives)to spend summer there with him. I was all puzzled but waited with patience. When I could not take it any more and brought up the idea of me divorcing him, he freaked out and let me come home. So I went. Then, after a week later, he told me he really wanted to divorce me. I cried, and he tried to kick me out of his/our house to a hotel, but i asked him if I could stay in the guest bedroom. He let me, but went to a hotel saying that he could not deal with the aftermath. I later learned that the day his mistress told him to divorce me to prove he didn't use her for sex and he called her to his hotel room every night.
After three days, he took a Russian visitor in his department (later learned that she was the ow) to a nearby airport, and came back home saying that he could stay home now as he was feeling better. Then all the verbal and emotional abuse started...over the two months when I was sleeping in the guest bedroom, he blamed me for everything...even for him not having many friends was my fault. He couldn't decide if he'd come back to the country where i have a job to spend the remaining summer break(yes, he is a professor) working on our marriage. Just a week before my departure date, he decided to come with me, and I got happy and at the same time scared. Then, in the morning on the day we were supposed to leave, he told me he could not get on that airplane. He just said that. He looked like a mad man, i got devastated and scared but said "you are sick. Let me help you". That was when he said " there's another woman that entered my life".
He then got really cold toward me, insisted on taking me to the airport, and he would go to his hometown where his family lives to "protect" himself. I begged him to stay and offer me some explanation to make it real for me, and help me pack my stuff and ship to to my house. At the end he did, and I learned that he even moved in with his mistress before I came back, moved my clothes and pictures out of her sight. He said the only thing he regret was to tell me the truth on the d-day. I stayed in a hotel. The next two days, he was remorseful and even asked for my foregiveness. Then I came back to the country where i am now, and he called me several times for the first two weeks. Then, he didn't call me for a week. When I called him, he was cold. I asked he contacted her, and he said no. I stopped calling him as it was hurting me too much. A month later, we had to talk because of the project we were working on together. I asked him if he contacted her. This time, he said yes, but tried to sound like he talked her several times only. But, I later learned that he went to Russia to see her, and skype/talk to her everyday. So I had limited contact only through emails about our project together for the past two months.
Then today he asked me if I would share liability for the loan he took from his mom to buy my engagement ring, and otherwise if i would give the ring back to him. I could not belive it. I got furious, and expressed my feelings in emails to him. Then he said i was abusing him emotionally, he was acting with dignity, but i wasn't. I asked him what about $25,000 that I alone paid for the wedding ceremony. He didn't say anything about it but he said he wanted the ring because it was the most expensive thing he owns besides his car.
I knew that he was self-absorbed, but i didn't know he had serious narssistic personality disorder. I felt like my 8 years were a waste, and he took all the good memories away from me. I cried several times today.
I want to ask other people if he is "normal" to ask me pay for the engagement ring at this point because I just cannot comprehend how he could act like this without shame?
What happened to him? Or was I not seeing who he truly is for 8 years?
Thank you for letting me vent. I needed it today.