Separated after false reconciliation..What now? - 03/27/13 08:36 PM
Hi, I am new here to the MB forum- Wish I had found this months ago!I need help and advice from others that have been subject to the onslaught of betrayal.
I shall try and keep my story concise and easy to read...
I discovered last June that my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker.I found this out by text messages on his phone.He told me that on a works night out he had slept with the OW and then following that had coffee with her at work for a few months.(he maintains that he has only slept with her once and it really was an emotional affair)I was completely devastated and shocked is an understatement. We have been together for 13yrs and married for 10yrs. We have two kids aged 7 and 8yrs. We have generally had a good marriage to be honest with no complaints and he has always met my needs and made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He also concurs that our marriage has been good.
When I found out about the affair my husband appeared to be sorry and we agreed that we would reconcile the marriage and that it was worth working on.
We had MC which he arranged for quite a few months and this really helped, but I found him to be defensive and inpatient. Despite being told by the counsellor that it can take a long time to rebuild a marriage my husband just wanted to sweep it under the carpet, he didnt want to talk about it. I felt that he never really understood or appreciated how I felt/what his betrayal had done to me and our family. My WH says that he felt so much guilt and he spent so much time self pitying; it was as if he was the victim and this prevented him further from prioritising my needs. The last year has been very up and down but I have tried my best to work hard at our marriage, admittedly at one stage I felt so depressed.I deemed him to not make much effort and at times he seemed so annoyed that our relationship did not just go back to 'normal'. I found the fact that he still worked with the OW very very STRESSFUL- I was full of anxiety that he would restart something with her. Sometimes this anxiety made me physically sick and of course when my WH got home I would interrogate him. He did reassure me and appeared committed to finding new job (he must have had at least 10 interviews). So my WH had CONTINUED contact with the OW because he couldn't initially find another job.
Then 8 months later in December, out of the blue he told me that although he wasn't talking to her he still sees this woman around the office and is worried that he still has some feelings for her...he told me he felt confused...he did not really clarify what he meant. He later retracted his statement and told me he was no longer confused, didn't like the OW.
Then just after New Year he told me that he had doubts about our marriage working- I was surprised because things had got better between us and we had, had a fabulous skiing holiday.(he hadn't seen her for three weeks) As soon as he went back to work after holiday and had contact with her he started saying the same thing that he still liked her and that he was wondering if the grass is greener! He told me that he felt what he had done had changed the dynamics of our relationship so much that it might be easier to leave. At this stage he told me that he had feelings for her but wasn't seeing her and wouldn't act upon these feelings.I accepted this as 'residual' feelings because he still worked with her.He also had got himself a new job finally which he would start soon, he told me that he was so happy because he wouldnt have to see her at work anymore and that we could move on without the OW in our lives.
One week later,on a saturday afternoon I found out that he had phoned her. I then confronted him and asked him to leave the house.He admitted that he had fallen back (his words)and had started talking to her again.
We have now been separated for nearly 8 weeks- the first 3 weeks I did the 180 and concentrated on me. It was such a relief to be honest to not have him in the house- I was no longer anxious, paranoid and my sleep returned to normal.I did feel a lot happier. My WH desperately tried to persuade me by text messages that he would commit 'whatever it takes'- I did not respond. When he collected the kids he would try and talk to me and seemed in utter despair when I refused to respond or engage with him. In the mean while he has started his NEW job and is away from the OW.
About 2 weeks ago we started to talk a bit due to the kids and making arrangements etc. During this time he has on a number of occasions said sorry and asked if he can come home; I've said that this is not about to happen as I do not know if there is real chance of reconciling. He has made it clear that he misses me and the kids and he hates living in a small bedsit room. However he has not talked to me about the affair, offered explanation or stated how he feels about 'me'. When prompted he did state that he was not seeing the OW anymore and that he soon realised when I threw him out of the house that it had all been just fantasy. When I asked if he had properly ended relationship with her,he said that it was not necessary because he had left his job, he had a new tel.number and it had been weeks since he last saw or spoke to her.
I have to say that my WH seems more genuine and sincere than he has been for some time. However I do not feel he is making enough effort to try and win me back. He always needs to be prompted to say anything. I feel he is not saying the things that I need to hear. Seemingly he is shy of putting in hard work and graft to resolve and reconcile our marriage, most of my friends feel he just doesnt know what to do. His Mother told me he is scared of putting a foot wrong with me.
I really feel in a state of limbo.
I do love him and think I would like to remain married however my feelings towards him have changed and sadly I view him as a different person- I see him as just deceitful and a despicable human being. Its not just the infidelity that I find difficult its the way he has treated me whilst reconciling and then telling me he wanted to commit but instead just continuing his relationship with her (eating cake!)during this time he was very detached,cold towards me and I felt so abandoned. Being repeatedly told by your WH that he likes another woman has affected my own confidence.I started to feel crushed as a person by his behaviour.
Few questions you could help with.....
1) Do you think there is any hope for our marriage? I expect him to initiate recovery and offer an explanation as to what happened with the OW (details about affair) clarifying his position in regards to her-
2)Do you think he is out of the 'fog'?
3)Is it too late for exposure? I wish I had told his workplace when this all began.
Sorry for the long post...
Pleeessse help??!!
WW-him 38yrs
bs- Me 34yrs
OW- 37yrs single,no children
Married 10yrs
EA & PA- June 2012
False R- Jan 2013
Separated- Feb 2013
I shall try and keep my story concise and easy to read...
I discovered last June that my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker.I found this out by text messages on his phone.He told me that on a works night out he had slept with the OW and then following that had coffee with her at work for a few months.(he maintains that he has only slept with her once and it really was an emotional affair)I was completely devastated and shocked is an understatement. We have been together for 13yrs and married for 10yrs. We have two kids aged 7 and 8yrs. We have generally had a good marriage to be honest with no complaints and he has always met my needs and made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He also concurs that our marriage has been good.
When I found out about the affair my husband appeared to be sorry and we agreed that we would reconcile the marriage and that it was worth working on.
We had MC which he arranged for quite a few months and this really helped, but I found him to be defensive and inpatient. Despite being told by the counsellor that it can take a long time to rebuild a marriage my husband just wanted to sweep it under the carpet, he didnt want to talk about it. I felt that he never really understood or appreciated how I felt/what his betrayal had done to me and our family. My WH says that he felt so much guilt and he spent so much time self pitying; it was as if he was the victim and this prevented him further from prioritising my needs. The last year has been very up and down but I have tried my best to work hard at our marriage, admittedly at one stage I felt so depressed.I deemed him to not make much effort and at times he seemed so annoyed that our relationship did not just go back to 'normal'. I found the fact that he still worked with the OW very very STRESSFUL- I was full of anxiety that he would restart something with her. Sometimes this anxiety made me physically sick and of course when my WH got home I would interrogate him. He did reassure me and appeared committed to finding new job (he must have had at least 10 interviews). So my WH had CONTINUED contact with the OW because he couldn't initially find another job.
Then 8 months later in December, out of the blue he told me that although he wasn't talking to her he still sees this woman around the office and is worried that he still has some feelings for her...he told me he felt confused...he did not really clarify what he meant. He later retracted his statement and told me he was no longer confused, didn't like the OW.
Then just after New Year he told me that he had doubts about our marriage working- I was surprised because things had got better between us and we had, had a fabulous skiing holiday.(he hadn't seen her for three weeks) As soon as he went back to work after holiday and had contact with her he started saying the same thing that he still liked her and that he was wondering if the grass is greener! He told me that he felt what he had done had changed the dynamics of our relationship so much that it might be easier to leave. At this stage he told me that he had feelings for her but wasn't seeing her and wouldn't act upon these feelings.I accepted this as 'residual' feelings because he still worked with her.He also had got himself a new job finally which he would start soon, he told me that he was so happy because he wouldnt have to see her at work anymore and that we could move on without the OW in our lives.
One week later,on a saturday afternoon I found out that he had phoned her. I then confronted him and asked him to leave the house.He admitted that he had fallen back (his words)and had started talking to her again.
We have now been separated for nearly 8 weeks- the first 3 weeks I did the 180 and concentrated on me. It was such a relief to be honest to not have him in the house- I was no longer anxious, paranoid and my sleep returned to normal.I did feel a lot happier. My WH desperately tried to persuade me by text messages that he would commit 'whatever it takes'- I did not respond. When he collected the kids he would try and talk to me and seemed in utter despair when I refused to respond or engage with him. In the mean while he has started his NEW job and is away from the OW.
About 2 weeks ago we started to talk a bit due to the kids and making arrangements etc. During this time he has on a number of occasions said sorry and asked if he can come home; I've said that this is not about to happen as I do not know if there is real chance of reconciling. He has made it clear that he misses me and the kids and he hates living in a small bedsit room. However he has not talked to me about the affair, offered explanation or stated how he feels about 'me'. When prompted he did state that he was not seeing the OW anymore and that he soon realised when I threw him out of the house that it had all been just fantasy. When I asked if he had properly ended relationship with her,he said that it was not necessary because he had left his job, he had a new tel.number and it had been weeks since he last saw or spoke to her.
I have to say that my WH seems more genuine and sincere than he has been for some time. However I do not feel he is making enough effort to try and win me back. He always needs to be prompted to say anything. I feel he is not saying the things that I need to hear. Seemingly he is shy of putting in hard work and graft to resolve and reconcile our marriage, most of my friends feel he just doesnt know what to do. His Mother told me he is scared of putting a foot wrong with me.
I really feel in a state of limbo.
I do love him and think I would like to remain married however my feelings towards him have changed and sadly I view him as a different person- I see him as just deceitful and a despicable human being. Its not just the infidelity that I find difficult its the way he has treated me whilst reconciling and then telling me he wanted to commit but instead just continuing his relationship with her (eating cake!)during this time he was very detached,cold towards me and I felt so abandoned. Being repeatedly told by your WH that he likes another woman has affected my own confidence.I started to feel crushed as a person by his behaviour.
Few questions you could help with.....
1) Do you think there is any hope for our marriage? I expect him to initiate recovery and offer an explanation as to what happened with the OW (details about affair) clarifying his position in regards to her-
2)Do you think he is out of the 'fog'?
3)Is it too late for exposure? I wish I had told his workplace when this all began.
Sorry for the long post...
Pleeessse help??!!
WW-him 38yrs
bs- Me 34yrs
OW- 37yrs single,no children
Married 10yrs
EA & PA- June 2012
False R- Jan 2013
Separated- Feb 2013