Marriage Builders
Posted By: NC4ME Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/11/13 08:22 PM
I just don't know what to do...2nd affair he has left me for in 25 year marriage. Now wants to reconcile.
Posted By: armymama Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/11/13 08:35 PM
Is your husband still drinking?

AM
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/11/13 08:42 PM
says alot less
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/11/13 08:47 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
I just don't know what to do...2nd affair he has left me for in 25 year marriage. Now wants to reconcile.

Actually, he needs a new flop house. He has no interest in reconciling. I would file for divorce and go into plan b.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/11/13 08:50 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
says alot less

TRANSLATION:

"Yes. I still drink. Alcohol is important in my life."
Posted By: armymama Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/11/13 08:51 PM
Agree. Do not reconcile while he still drinks.

AM
Posted By: downnout Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/11/13 11:21 PM
Pepperbsnds translation is on point, I know, I have been there, minus the cheating part... A lot less means, limit to 2 beers around the guys,KILL the bottle in private.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/12/13 01:19 AM
Originally Posted by downnout
Pepperbsnds translation is on point, I know, I have been there, minus the cheating part... A lot less means, limit to 2 beers around the guys,KILL the bottle in private.
Are you going to go into Plan B?
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/12/13 06:51 PM
MelodyLane-
Being that you are recovered 10 years why would youmake such a statement?
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/12/13 07:03 PM
where do i get this plan b
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/12/13 08:57 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
MelodyLane-
Being that you are recovered 10 years why would youmake such a statement?

Because it is true. I am recovering alcoholic with 28 years of sobriety so I know your husband's game. There is a huge difference between my husband and yours. Yours is an alcoholic which makes recovery impossible. You can't have a marriage with an active alcoholic because his first love is alcohol. An alcoholic only keeps a spouse around in order to use them. That is all your husband wants. He needs a new flop house until something better comes along.
Posted By: high_road Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/12/13 08:58 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
where do i get this plan b

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/13/13 02:28 AM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
where do i get this plan b
How to Plan B Correctly
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/13/13 03:18 PM
Originally Posted by AM
Is your husband still drinking?
Originally Posted by NC4ME
says alot less

Have you read my story?
My H admitted to being an alcoholic right after D day.
He told me he would quit.
Before that, he had claimed: "I will cut back on my drinking" .... several MrRollieEyes times. It's what alcoholics say when they are having life problems but cannot face the music of sobriety.

I told my H that I was happy he would stop drinking, but it was not good enough for me. I said that unless he joined AA, went to meetings and kept going to meetings, I would no longer remain married to him.

It was powerful incentive. I was serious. I was not blustering. I was not afraid to be alone. I was not afraid he would never come back. Why?

Because I knew I was in competition with alcohol more than I was in a competition with OW. If H loved Miss Alcohol more than he loved being my husband, then so be it.

17 years later ........ He's sober. He goes to meetings. He is a speaker at meetings. He has a lot of male AA friends to support his sobriety. He has proper boundaries. He adores me. He has empathy and is honest. He is a reformed man.

Got it now?

LINK to abbreviation of Pepperband story
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 03:30 PM
Ok..So...Met with my spouses counselor and he Friday. He has been intherapy for 5 of the 8 mths he has been gone. Has not drank since January 1...BUT still living with other woman...more to story...any comments
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 03:57 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
Ok..So...Met with my spouses counselor and he Friday. He has been intherapy for 5 of the 8 mths he has been gone. Has not drank since January 1...BUT still living with other woman...more to story...any comments
Is he in AA?

Are you in AlAnon?
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 04:13 PM
Yep
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 04:19 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
BUT still living with other woman...more to story...any comments

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by NC4ME
where do i get this plan b
How to Plan B Correctly
Since he hasn't ended his affair. When will you be going into Plan B?
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 04:20 PM
I am hearing that he wants to end it but its a place to rest his head until I calm down where he can talk to me and see if theres anything to build with...LOST!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 04:24 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
I am hearing that he wants to end it but its a place to rest his head until I calm down where he can talk to me and see if theres anything to build with...LOST!
That's why you write him a Plan B letter with your conditions and the path home.

Concentrate on getting into Plan B.

Write your Plan B letter and post it here.

Do you have an IM?
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 04:27 PM
Yes. I have
Originally Posted by NC4ME
I am hearing that he wants to end it but its a place to rest his head until I calm down where he can talk to me and see if theres anything to build with...LOST!

No...it is cake eating.

He has the OW...and he has you waiting in the wings.

Why are you waiting for him to make the decision???

He is incapable of making any decision that involves brain cells right now.

YOU make the decision!

committed

< it is like seeing a totally desperate person chanting "choose me...choose me" while frantically waving their arms...end rant>
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 04:45 PM
Im not waiting...Im going on with my life...
Originally Posted by NC4ME
Im not waiting...Im going on with my life...


I must have missed the initial purpose of the thread...

and YOUR use of the word, "LOST"

led me to believe that you don't know which way to turn.

committed
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 05:17 PM
I am lost but for my own self preservation am not wallowing in it. He sends ims implying his desire to return? But he just cant. People say because hes terrified of my verbal outburts and rejection....He should be terrified...Like I'd welcome him with open arms? Yea, lost...When do you just say enough is enough? And why should I be the one to ask for anything? Hes the one who needs to come to me...
Originally Posted by NC4ME
I am lost but for my own self preservation am not wallowing in it. He sends ims implying his desire to return? But he just cant. People say because hes terrified of my verbal outburts and rejection....He should be terrified...Like I'd welcome him with open arms? Yea, lost...When do you just say enough is enough? And why should I be the one to ask for anything? Hes the one who needs to come to me...

Whoa.....

why the rant at me??

You initially posted
Quote
I just don't know what to do


Mel pointed you in the direction of Plan B and filing for divorce...

you came back at Mel with
Quote
MelodyLane-
Being that you are recovered 10 years why would youmake such a statement?


So...what's the question again?
Was there ever a question?

committed
Posted By: NC4ME Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 05:48 PM
This isnt for me
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 08:34 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
I am hearing that he wants to end it but its a place to rest his head until I calm down where he can talk to me and see if theres anything to build with...LOST!

Tell him to end his affair FIRST and then you can decide. He is not serious now because a) he has not ended his affair and b) he is far from committed to your marriage when he says he "wants to see if there is anything to build with..."

In other words, he wants to have more options for FLOP HOUSES. He wants you to be availabile to USE.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/22/13 08:37 PM
Originally Posted by NC4ME
Ok..So...Met with my spouses counselor and he Friday. He has been intherapy for 5 of the 8 mths he has been gone. Has not drank since January 1...BUT still living with other woman...more to story...any comments

On 4-11 you said he told you he drinks "a lot less." A which is it?
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Cheating Husband Wants To Reconcile - 04/23/13 01:50 PM
Have you attended AlAnon meetings?
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