first post here. i honestly wish i had never heard of this place or had to type this out.
i'm lost. i'm heartbroken beyond what these words will convey i'm infinitely sad i'm confused i haven't slept more than 30 minutes in the past 6 days i'm not eating or taking care of myself
a little background... i'm early 40's. wife is mid 30's. married almost 7 years and together 10. i thought, obviously incorrectly, that we were happy and working together on some basic life goals we all have (debt payoff, retirement, traveling, etc.) we've been in the process of remodeling our home. we have plans, is my point, that we were actively talking about.
then came last week. i'll spare the details but i happened to pick up my wife's phone after i saw it was vibrating on the counter. she had it face down. i read a text message from the guy that she cheated with a couple weeks earlier while out of town. i then proceeded to read more text messages from my wife to her friend where she bragged about how good it was and how she could barely walk the next day. my heart sank. i decided to immediately confront her and ask if she was cheating. she confessed. i asked why she did it. she said she's unhappy. i asked about what. she told me that her "friends" told her she's different around them than she is when she's with me. she told me that she feels like she can't be herself around me. and then she said she wasn't satisfied in the bedroom. she admitted that she was drunk when this happened but was emphatic that it 100% consensual. she said the guy was "easy to talk to", was "physically attractive", was "charming", was "positive".
we talked for a couple hours that night about what you would expect. she told me she didn't know if she wanted to save our marriage. she said that she may have "damaged it too much" and that it would be easier to not fix it. i was initially going to grab a bag and leave that night to get away. after a bit i thought better of that and told her no. i wasn't leaving. she doesn't get to do this and then i leave. so she left and went to a friends.
she came back early the next morning and packed up a few things and grabbed the dogs. we sat again and talked for a few hours. i NEED to understand how she could betray me like this. i NEED to know why she didn't give me the courtesy of talking to me about this before it got to this. she just kept apologizing and saying she was sorry. never once did she drop to her knees and beg to fix this. or for forgiveness. nothing. eventually we'd had enough and she left. she has now gone to her parents to, i thought, figure this out and try to get her head on straight. i know that i am a basket case and barely function. i assumed she was as well.
she has since told me that she hasn't talked to anyone yet about this, not even her parents, because she's not ready. fine. fair enough. BUT. i made the mistake of looking at our shared cell phone plan to see if in fact she really had stopped talking to this guy. once again i was devastated. since the first time they had sex there have been 100's of text messages (including picture messages) every single day, all day. she tells me she's not ready to talk to anyone yet she's sending this guy 100's of texts all day long from early morning until late night. i confronted her about this as well. i guess she finally put two and two together and figured out that i must have looked at our cell phone bill. her response was "i won't be spied on" and "if i want to talk to him right now i'm going to". and she went and got her own cell phone. i asked what was so special about this guy and the response is "he's positive and easy to talk to". i'll also mention that he's married and has two small children.
we have decided to stop all communication until saturday or sunday at which time we will talk. i requested that rather than talk on the phone we actually get together face to face and talk. in retrospect i'm not 100% sure that's the best idea.
i'm not an idiot. i see it staring me right in the face. my wife that i knew a month ago is gone. she doesn't care about me. about us. about our life. nothing.
what i don't know what do is what to do now. i'm devastated beyond words. the most i've been able to muster is to contact a counselor and talk with them. my first appt. was this morning. above and beyond that however i just simply don't know what to do. i have so many questions. i need to know the answers to why. i didn't deserve this. i love my wife. i want her back. i'm just so lost and i don't know how i can carry on with this heartbreak and betrayal especially when she shows little to no remorse for it and continues to talk to this guy.
i don't expect any answers. i know i won't ever get any to many of my questions. thank you for letting me vent.
Hdw, if you are here for answers on how to save your marriage, you are in the right place. We understand your pain and feel your need to commiserate, but our purpose is to give you an action plan to save your marriage as we have saved ours. Please go start by reading the "read here first" thread in this forum and come back. We will help you develop a plan.
My wife gave me the same complaints. Understand that right now, your wife is inside. What you see now is an addict getting her fix and she'll get mad at anyone who stands in her way.
Expose, hard and fast. all in one day to everyone. His wife especially. This will cause serious issues in affairland.
I am sorry that you are going through this and you will find many here to include myself have been in the dark place you are, got their heads above water eventually by listening and following the plan outlined here. Rely heavily on this site and the radio show that Dr. H produces daily. I can not promise the overall outcome of your individual situation, but if you follow the plan here, you WILL gain the following:
1. Stop any further pain to your emotional well-being because of this, following what is known here as Plan A or Plan B.
2. Get to the ultimate truth of what occured during your wifes infidelity.
3. Have a plan that will work if you follow it and your wayward wife is willing to get onboard.
4. Protect your marriage from this never happening again should you choose to continue.
Listen, in many tragic events in life people often say "I know have you feel" well this site is full of those, like myself, that really do know how you feel. I still am experiecning the pain of my wives affair and it's been almost (1) year.
Allow yourself to hurt, it's ok, it is a blow to the gut that I feel few can endure. But know that you are strong and must take care of yourself to function. You can get through this either way, regardless of the outcome, but it will be tough.
MY BEST ADVISE: DO NOT BELIEVE YOUR WIFE FOR HER WORD RIGHT NOW, ONLY HER ACTIONS. EVERYTHING IS BEHAVIOR BASED.
I still follow this today with my FWW. Please try to be strong, she will pick up if you are weak and only go further from you. Your wife needs to know the reality of what she has done which includes you not standing for her infidelity any longer.
Yes, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE.....you can't wait on this step...I was a fool with my FWW by not listening to the posters here to EXPOSE as they first stated. I screwed around asking my wife questions to try and make myself feel better, all she did is lie, I even talke to the other male to get his side of the story, Really? It was all lies.
Get some hard evidence that is indisputable, such as phone records, photos' and then spend all the time you need telling the truth yourself.
Do not tell your wife when you are going to reveal this truth in their lovley little world. I called the OM wife when I went upstairs to go the bathroom. (Very appropriate). I told her who I was, what was going on and the evidence I had to support it. I exchanged my contact information with her and told her I wished to stay in touch as this thing fell apart.
Her and I talked for over an hour whiel I gave her as much details as I had. To my knowlwedge she then, called her parents, his parents and him with is new found knowledge.
Just be prepared, the OM had the nerve to tell me when I confronted him...don't tell my wife, I am kinda telling her in small doses becasue she suffers from depression (his second affair) this is between you and me. BS!!!
Expose this affair, don't worry about the fall out, it can only kill the affair...
Hdw, if you are here for answers on how to save your marriage, you are in the right place. We understand your pain and feel your need to commiserate, but our purpose is to give you an action plan to save your marriage as we have saved ours. Please go start by reading the "read here first" thread in this forum and come back. We will help you develop a plan.
My wife gave me the same complaints. Understand that right now, your wife is inside. What you see now is an addict getting her fix and she'll get mad at anyone who stands in her way.
Expose, hard and fast. all in one day to everyone. His wife especially. This will cause serious issues in affairland.
i'm fuzzy on the expose part that you and the person below mention.
i have the guys phone #. i have his name. i've looked at his facebook page and his twitter page. i see he has a wife and two kids in the pictures.
i also have screen captures of the text messages from him to her and from my wife to her friend bragging. i have also saved off 6 months of phone bills as well. there was no contact with him that i see prior to this occuring a few weeks ago.
i told my wife initially that i was going to contact him but then i thought about it and backed off of it. i do not want to get in legal trouble for something she did just so i can try to feel better. when i told my wife i was going to contact him she literally BEGGED me not to.
are you suggesting that i do actually confront this guy on the phone and/or his wife?
I am sorry that you are going through this and you will find many here to include myself have been in the dark place you are, got their heads above water eventually by listening and following the plan outlined here. Rely heavily on this site and the radio show that Dr. H produces daily. I can not promise the overall outcome of your individual situation, but if you follow the plan here, you WILL gain the following:
1. Stop any further pain to your emotional well-being because of this, following what is known here as Plan A or Plan B.
2. Get to the ultimate truth of what occured during your wifes infidelity.
3. Have a plan that will work if you follow it and your wayward wife is willing to get onboard.
4. Protect your marriage from this never happening again should you choose to continue.
Listen, in many tragic events in life people often say "I know have you feel" well this site is full of those, like myself, that really do know how you feel. I still am experiecning the pain of my wives affair and it's been almost (1) year.
Allow yourself to hurt, it's ok, it is a blow to the gut that I feel few can endure. But know that you are strong and must take care of yourself to function. You can get through this either way, regardless of the outcome, but it will be tough.
MY BEST ADVISE: DO NOT BELIEVE YOUR WIFE FOR HER WORD RIGHT NOW, ONLY HER ACTIONS. EVERYTHING IS BEHAVIOR BASED.
I still follow this today with my FWW. Please try to be strong, she will pick up if you are weak and only go further from you. Your wife needs to know the reality of what she has done which includes you not standing for her infidelity any longer.
Stay active on this forum.
thank you for all of this. re: your advice... i don't believe her. and her actions with the constant texting tell me everything i need to know about how much she cares for me.
Yes, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE.....you can't wait on this step...I was a fool with my FWW by not listening to the posters here to EXPOSE as they first stated. I screwed around asking my wife questions to try and make myself feel better, all she did is lie, I even talke to the other male to get his side of the story, Really? It was all lies.
Get some hard evidence that is indisputable, such as phone records, photos' and then spend all the time you need telling the truth yourself.
Do not tell your wife when you are going to reveal this truth in their lovley little world. I called the OM wife when I went upstairs to go the bathroom. (Very appropriate). I told her who I was, what was going on and the evidence I had to support it. I exchanged my contact information with her and told her I wished to stay in touch as this thing fell apart.
Her and I talked for over an hour whiel I gave her as much details as I had. To my knowlwedge she then, called her parents, his parents and him with is new found knowledge.
Just be prepared, the OM had the nerve to tell me when I confronted him...don't tell my wife, I am kinda telling her in small doses becasue she suffers from depression (his second affair) this is between you and me. BS!!!
Expose this affair, don't worry about the fall out, it can only kill the affair...
please see my other response about this. i do not want to get into legal trouble for doing something like this. i also know, even though i'm 99.999999% sure my marriage is over, that if i do contact this guy or his wife that there's no possibility of reconciling with my wife at that point.
There is nothing illegal over telling people about an affair. Waywards don't love BS when in the fog, they are like crack addicts. Waywards will sacrifice everything, including their children to continue the affair.
If you expose, it speeds the end of the affair. Once affair is over your spouse will go through withdrawl. Once withdrawl is over the fog should lift and they will see what they have done. THEN you have a chance to reconcile if you wish it.
As long as affair is in progress (and it is) then you are a barrier, not someone to love. You have to end the affair.
i do not want to get into legal trouble for doing something like this. i also know, even though i'm 99.999999% sure my marriage is over, that if i do contact this guy or his wife that there's no possibility of reconciling with my wife at that point.
hbw,
So sorry you're having to go through this. I've BTDT too. I know your pain.
Ok, a few points:
- It is 100% LEGAL to speak the truth about anything, to anyone, as long as it's the truth.
The only thing you can get in trouble for is "slander", which is calling someone a name, or telling false truths about them. It is NOT slander to tell the truth to anyone at all about your wife having an affair. Just stick with the truth and you will be fine. In my 7 years on this board, I have NEVER seen anyone get in trouble for telling the truth.
- You can be 99.9999% sure that you will not have a marriage to save or reconcile, if you don't expose far and wide. Yes, your wife will be flippin mad. She will blame you for ending the marriage. She will tell you "Well, I was going to consider reconciliation until you pulled this!", she will say all kinds of things.
The point is, your marriage can and will survive her anger and wrath, but it will NOT survive if she is in an affair.
The only way to kill the affair is to expose it to every single person that has any influence over your wife. You need to ask the people you expose to on her side of the family and yours to help you with this by talking to your wife, and not accepting the other man.
You need to expose to the other's man wife immediately, and give her your contact info.
Your exposures need to be done tonight. Get your letter ready and expose all at once. Use FB as well, but copy all of the OM's contacts first into a word doc in case he tries to close you down. Send the messages a few minutes apart, so you don't get shut down. If you have to pay a $1 pay it.
Exposure is your most powerful weapon to kill the affair.
My wife gave me the same complaints. Understand that right now, your wife is inside. What you see now is an addict getting her fix and she'll get mad at anyone who stands in her way.
Expose, hard and fast. all in one day to everyone. His wife especially. This will cause serious issues in affairland.
i'm fuzzy on the expose part that you and the person below mention.
i have the guys phone #. i have his name. i've looked at his facebook page and his twitter page. i see he has a wife and two kids in the pictures.
i also have screen captures of the text messages from him to her and from my wife to her friend bragging. i have also saved off 6 months of phone bills as well. there was no contact with him that i see prior to this occuring a few weeks ago.
i told my wife initially that i was going to contact him but then i thought about it and backed off of it. i do not want to get in legal trouble for something she did just so i can try to feel better. when i told my wife i was going to contact him she literally BEGGED me not to.
are you suggesting that i do actually confront this guy on the phone and/or his wife?
How will you get in trouble for telling the truth?
Wouldn't you want to have been told if someone else's had known?
We can answer all your questions about defamation, but sometimes if you have a general understanding of the law, you can ask better questions about the facts of your case. Some attorneys think a defamation action is like a personal injury case, but the proof necessary for a defamation action is very different. As a nation, we put such a value on free speech that the burden is high to prove defamation.
Defamation is the inclusive term, including both slander and libel. In other words libel and slander are both defamation, but libel is printed and slander is spoken. Defamation occurs when someone makes a false, unprivileged statement about someone to a third party, which attacks the person's professional character or standing, claims that an unmarried person is unchaste, claims the person has a sexually transmitted disease, or that the person has committed a crime of moral turpitude. Stated another way, to constitute defamation the statement must falsely accuse the plaintiff of immoral, illegal or unethical conduct. Generally, the statement must harm the reputation of the person, but in the case of per se defamation, damages will be presumed. This last point is very important, because if a plaintiff had to prove actual damage, the burden of proof in most cases would be nearly impossible.
1. False Statement of Fact
Truth is an absolute defense to a claim for defamation. No one can prevent you from telling the truth, even if that truth harms someone else. Further, the statement of an opinion generally will not constitute defamation, since it is not offered as a statement of fact. For example, if a food critic states that a restaurant serves horrible food, that is not defamation since taste will always be an opinion. Even if the restaurant brought 100 witnesses to court to attest that the food is wonderful, the critic is still entitled to his opinion.
On the other hand, some believe that they can escape liability by casting a fact as an opinion. A number of clients have come to us for a second opinion after another attorney has told them a statement is not defamatory because it was stated as an opinion. Adding the word "opinion" to a defamatory statement does not automatically shield the speaker from liability. The determining factor is whether the "opinion" is about a verifiable fact. For example, as stated above, a food critic is protected when he offers his opinion about the food, but if he says, "in my opinion the food was horrible and the restaurant has rats," the statement about rats is defamation (assuming it is false) because it is a verifiable fact. Similarly, "in my opinion, he cheats on his taxes" is a defamatory statement since it is the assertion of a fact, even though it is called an opinion.
Context is everything in determining whether the speaker was offering the statement as a verifiable fact. We once received a call from someone who was checking out at a local supermarket, and tried to pay with a Discover card. The cashier said the store didn't accept that credit card, and when the customer said he had always paid with his Discover card, the cashier rudely responded, "You're crazy; I've been here ten years and we have never taken Discover cards." The thin-skinned caller wanted to sue for defamation because she had accused him of being crazy in front of the other people in line. Clearly the statement was not intended as a verifiable fact. The cashier was not saying, "you are suffering from a mental illness that would be verified by an examination from an appropriate mental health professional." She was just expressing in a colorful, albeit rude, manner that he was mistaken about the Discover cards.
In determining whether a statement is true or false, you must also examine how the statement is made. If a newspaper reports that Joe Dokes was arrested and charged with murder, and it is later determined that Joe Dokes was innocent, that does not mean that the newspaper is now liable for defamation. What the newspaper reported was absolutely true -- he was arrested and charged with murder.
Similarly, the statement must be viewed in context. Upon learning that you and your spouse make it a point to go on a "date night" every week, Dr. Laura calls you "bad parents" on the radio because she feels that parents should never leave their children with a babysitter. You could not sue for defamation, because she is entitled to believe and say that such conduct constitutes bad parenting. In one Internet defamation case, a court held that calling someone a liar was not defamatory when the circumstances made clear that the speaker did not have sufficient facts to reach that conclusion.
There is nothing illegal over telling people about an affair. Waywards don't love BS when in the fog, they are like crack addicts. Waywards will sacrifice everything, including their children to continue the affair.
If you expose, it speeds the end of the affair. Once affair is over your spouse will go through withdrawl. Once withdrawl is over the fog should lift and they will see what they have done. THEN you have a chance to reconcile if you wish it.
As long as affair is in progress (and it is) then you are a barrier, not someone to love. You have to end the affair.
i briefly spoke with a divorce lawyer yesterday. he HEAVILY advised that i do not contact the guy or his wife. he said it could lead to some serious legal trouble for me if the guy wanted to pursue it.
i understand and hear what you all are telling me with regards to this but i'm extremely wary of it.
So sorry you're having to go through this. I've BTDT too. I know your pain.
Ok, a few points:
- It is 100% LEGAL to speak the truth about anything, to anyone, as long as it's the truth.
The only thing you can get in trouble for is "slander", which is calling someone a name, or telling false truths about them. It is NOT slander to tell the truth to anyone at all about your wife having an affair. Just stick with the truth and you will be fine. In my 7 years on this board, I have NEVER seen anyone get in trouble for telling the truth.
- You can be 99.9999% sure that you will not have a marriage to save or reconcile, if you don't expose far and wide. Yes, your wife will be flippin mad. She will blame you for ending the marriage. She will tell you "Well, I was going to consider reconciliation until you pulled this!", she will say all kinds of things.
The point is, your marriage can and will survive her anger and wrath, but it will NOT survive if she is in an affair.
The only way to kill the affair is to expose it to every single person that has any influence over your wife. You need to ask the people you expose to on her side of the family and yours to help you with this by talking to your wife, and not accepting the other man.
You need to expose to the other's man wife immediately, and give her your contact info.
Your exposures need to be done tonight. Get your letter ready and expose all at once. Use FB as well, but copy all of the OM's contacts first into a word doc in case he tries to close you down. Send the messages a few minutes apart, so you don't get shut down. If you have to pay a $1 pay it.
Exposure is your most powerful weapon to kill the affair.
i read the thread about exposing and what and how to do it.
my wife has told me (for what that's worth) that she hasn't told ANYONE yet about this not even her parents (which is where she's at). i don't know how i feel about "outing" her to all of these people that know nothing of this.
also - if i were to do this exposing thing i would literally need a script to read from for it. right now i'm so fragile and raw that it's everything i can do to make it through the day. i most assuredly couldn't get on the phone with the wife or even the guy and not trip all over myself.
who would i call? the wife of the guy of course do i call the guy? and say what?
if i do contact this guy or his wife that there's no possibility of reconciling with my wife at that point.
There will be a much bigger chance of reconciling with your wife IF you expose the affair to his wife and WHEN he drop her like hot brick. This OM is married, and married men who have affairs are in it for the free, secret sex. They never had any intention of leaving their wife and kids and do not intend to do so ever for a woman who is so cheap that she will betray her own husband and have sex with a near-stranger. They will text that woman 100 times a day and declare all kinds of love her for, but the minute the affair is revealed to the wife they will beg the wife to forgive them and take them back.
Being married is great for these men. They have no problem being married. The only problem with being married is that they are not supposed to have sex with anybody else, and they want to. They can't do it if there's a chance of being caught, but if a woman throws herself at them and they think they can be undiscovered, they will have sex and a secret relationship with these woman. it's thrilling and exciting, but it is NOT ENOUGH for them to leave home for.
When, after exposure, he drops your wife, she will try to keep the affair going, and you are at risk of a false recovery. If she can persuade OM to bury his tracks even better and keep the affair going, he will probably do that, so your problem after exposure is one of keeping your wife away from him. She is a greater problem in that respect than he is, because she is likely to be "in love" and is probably looking for a way out of her marriage.
However, once he has dropped her at least temporarily, she will have to face the fact that she means nothing to him, and he will throw her under the bus to protect his marriage in a heartbeat. Make exposure happen and then be there offering her the chance of a rebuilt marriage when her weasel soulmate dumps her.
There is NO chance of reconciling with your wife right now while the affair is on. There is a huge chance of reconciling with her when your force OM to drop her, through exposure to his wife.
Be a man and stand up to that OM scum, and fight for your marriage.
the wife of the guy of course do i call the guy? and say what?
You don't need to expose to OM; he already knows he is having an affair with your wife.
You need to contact his wife. You "expose" a fact to someone who does not know about it, not to the people who already know what they're doing.
You are fighting for your marriage and you will find the words to say, no matter how nervous you are. You need to stop letting fear rule you right now.
my wife has told me (for what that's worth) that she hasn't told ANYONE yet about this not even her parents (which is where she's at). i don't know how i feel about "outing" her to all of these people that know nothing of this.
Of course she hasn't told anyone that she is whoreing around and destroying two families in the process.
Affairees like to keep their dirty little secrets in the dark. Like cockroaches. Turn the light of truth on them and they scurry to hide.
Exposure kills the "fantasy" of the affair. This affair will not feel all rosey when your wife knows that everyone knows.
The OM will probably dump your wife so fast her head will spin, after the OM's wife finds out. I can almost guarantee you that.
You HAVE to tell the OM's wife. She deserves to know the truth about her life!!!!! She can be instrumental to help break up affair.
Did you find the exposure letter template on that thread?
In addition, think about this guy's wife. She's out there with little kids and she likely has no idea what's going on. Your wife is participating in the destruction of a family.
Give this lady the info she needs to navigate her life.
The longer you wait, the more time your WW has to spin the story, leading everyone to believe that you're a terrible husband and she just HAD to break away.
The lawyer knows nothing about saving a marriage or dealing with an affair. A lawyer helps you get divorced.
We have several posters on here who are lawyers and never have I seen anyone advised against TELLING THE TRUTH.
However, once he has dropped her at least temporarily, she will have to face the fact that she means nothing to him, and he will throw her under the bus to protect his marriage in a heartbeat.
And that's when your wife will start to see the OM for who he really is, and fall out of "lurve" with him.
Quote
fight for your marriage
Once your wife stops spitting venom at you for exposing, loses the feelings for the loser OM, she will look back on this and see how you FOUGHT for her, and love you even more. Women want their men to fight for them.
Affairs are JUST LIKE addictions. They really are. Picture the OM being your wife's crack pipe. Your wife is not going to want to smoke her crack pipe while everyone is looking at her. She is going to be TICKED that you took her crack pipe away from her, but it must be done. Otherwise she's going to continue to smoke her crack pipe in the dark, and destroy two families in the process, just as if she were smoking a real crack pipe.
I know you're tired and exhausted. Get past this first step of exposure, and that alone should get you to a point where you can sleep for at least a night.
Sitting back and doing nothing is NOT fighting for your marriage. The longer you go without exposing, the more those two will become entrenched in this affair. End it now.
Once this exposure is done, I want you to sleep and rest, and then come back here to find out how to draw your wife back into the marriage with a PLAN to restore the love to your marriage. This plan will work once she comes out of her "fog" and is willing to listen.
Expose. Sleep. Read the plan to restore the love.
There will also be some "extraordinary precautions" that you will both take to prevent another affair from ever happening again. This can be done.
the wife of the guy of course do i call the guy? and say what?
You don't need to expose to OM; he already knows he is having an affair with your wife.
You need to contact his wife. You "expose" a fact to someone who does not know about it, not to the people who already know what they're doing.
You are fighting for your marriage and you will find the words to say, no matter how nervous you are. You need to stop letting fear rule you right now.
this makes perfect sense. thank you.
HOWEVER... i WANT to contact this guy. i want to talk to him. i want to threaten his life. but i know better.
right now fear, sadness and heartbreak are ruling me. i haven't eaten anything in three days.
Affairs are JUST LIKE addictions. They really are. Picture the OM being your wife's crack pipe. Your wife is not going to want to smoke her crack pipe while everyone is looking at her. She is going to be TICKED that you took her crack pipe away from her, but it must be done. Otherwise she's going to continue to smoke her crack pipe in the dark, and destroy two families in the process, just as if she were smoking a real crack pipe.
I know you're tired and exhausted. Get past this first step of exposure, and that alone should get you to a point where you can sleep for at least a night.
Sitting back and doing nothing is NOT fighting for your marriage. The longer you go without exposing, the more those two will become entrenched in this affair. End it now.
Once this exposure is done, I want you to sleep and rest, and then come back here to find out how to draw your wife back into the marriage with a PLAN to restore the love to your marriage. This plan will work once she comes out of her "fog" and is willing to listen.
Expose. Sleep. Read the plan to restore the love.
There will also be some "extraordinary precautions" that you will both take to prevent another affair from ever happening again. This can be done.
You're in the right place hbw.
here's a question... i have the phone # of the guy that did this. but i don't need his i need his wife's phone #. how do i go about getting that?
Do an online search for a landline to the house. My H's OW is in the Belgian phone book. it took me seconds to find the landline number. Use the online electoral roll to find the home address, if you don't already know it.
In this country (the UK) you can ring up directory enquiries, as long as you have a name and home address, and as long as the number isn't unlisted.
Use google to see if you can find a workplace number. If you can find out who she works for, you might get her work phone no. and email in the company web page.
There are hundreds of ways to find her! I found the BH's name, kids' schools, home landline and work landline and email of the husband of my H's OW, who lives in another country, in seconds!
Type in the loser's phone number into your browser, and see if anything comes up. I also believe that if you go to the "white pages" website, and put his number in, for a $ you can get a name, which will help you get an address.
There are resources online that will give you this man's info for a small price.
Also, after exposures and sleep, go to RadioShack and get a gps to put on your wife's car.
If you own a computer that your wife uses at home, install a keylogger called eBlaster. You can download that onto the computer in a few minutes straight from the internet. That will probably lead you to see any emails they are probably exchanging and give you a name, and possibly even where he works.
The loser's wife is the first person you need to contact, and then immediately right after that, expose to your wife's friends and family and all of his friends and family.
You're being very passive and looking for reasons to stall. You must know how easy it is to find anybody online, anywhere in the world, even if they don't want to be found.
another thing occurred to me... this just happened 5 days ago. all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
E go to RadioShack and get a gps to put on your wife's car.
If you own a computer that your wife uses at home, install a keylogger called eBlaster. You can download that onto the computer in a few minutes straight from the internet.
Make sure that the purchases of any spyware do not show up on a credit card bill that your wife gets to see. You will need to pay online for eblaster, so think about how to do that secretly.
i WANT to contact this guy. i want to talk to him. i want to threaten his life. but i know better.
After exposures, you can call the guy. Tell him that you will not stop making his life hell, until he leaves your wife alone FOREVER. You can tell him you're coming after him and you're bringing hell with you.
And whatever you do, do not move out of your house.
another thing occurred to me... this just happened 5 days ago. all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
That's why the day you're going to expose you take your money out and put it into another account and stop all credit cards.
all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
Why would she do that? What would she do with the money?
Some men have been known to do that, when they were running away with OW. I haven't heard of a woman doing that. Women who get dumped by OM have nowhere to go, so why would they clean out any accounts?
However, open an account for yourself and keep an eye on your joint account. If any money disappears, take some money out for yourself and then put a block on the joint accounts. Report the credit card as stolen if she goes on a spree with it.
all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
Be at the bank when they open in the morning then, and open another account. Transfer at least half of the money into your own acct. Call and cancel the credit cards tonight. Better safe than sorry.
hbw.....
YOU CANNOT SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY. YOU HAVE TO MAN UP RIGHT NOW, AND EXPOSE! This is the single, most important, thing you need to do right now.
You will hate yourself if you cower to this man, your wife, and this dirty disgusting affair. Take charge!!
When your wife comes back pissed as heck at you for exposing don't -apologize -have an angry outburst -yell Do -Offer her a cup of coffee or some potato chips -Tell her you will not tolerate an affair
Divorce lawyers get paid to help you divorce.
Avoid contacting OM now, especially in person cause I imagine prison sucks. As much as POSOM deserves to be put in a hurt locker and have his testicles crushed and/or cut off, doing so will hurt your family more than it is worth.
please see my other response about this. i do not want to get into legal trouble for doing something like this. i also know, even though i'm 99.999999% sure my marriage is over, that if i do contact this guy or his wife that there's no possibility of reconciling with my wife at that point.
No, you have this backwards, Sir. You will not save your marriage if you DON'T expose the affair. It is not illegal in any western nation to tell the truth.
Just know that you probably won't make it if you don't expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret only serves to ENABLE the affair. The longer you enable the affair, the harder it will be to save your marriage.
Please go read my exposure thread to get tips and tactics on how to properly expose. If you don't expose, it is very likely you will end up divorced. Those of us here who are in recovered marriages all attribute it to exposure.
I no longer post much here, but have been a part of these forums for a long time. I did not expose my wife's affair and it is the biggest regret of my life. She never did have to face the full consequences of her actions.
Even though we are still married, we have little in the way of a relationship. She doesn't respect me and I don't respect her. She never hit "rock bottom" as a result of her affair, and my resentment runs deep.
These people posting to you are forum veterans. They have seen and heard it all. Your situation, sadly, is all too common. It is also fixable, as it's not a long term affair with no roots.
Get yourself together. Listen to these people advising you to expose. Rehearse, do whatever it takes, then drop the bomb. All at once with no warning whatsoever. Call anyone/everyone who is/are friends of your marriage.
Key factor...you are exposing out of love for your wife and marriage, and doing the exposure to end the affair. This is not an act of revenge.
Not once have I seen any legal consequences to the exposure process here on the forums, when done as an act to save a marriage.
here's a question... i have the phone # of the guy that did this. but i don't need his i need his wife's phone #. how do i go about getting that?
Do this STRATEGICALLY. Go read through my exposure thread, make a list of exposure targets, find the OM's facebook page, find phone #s, email addresses, review talking points and MAKE A PLAN.
Be strategic rather than reactive and emotional about this. Can you do that, Sir?
Go make your plan and come back and show us your plan. Read my exposure thread FIRST. It is very clear and concise and will help you in developing a plan. You are right, it is a very emotional endeavor, so you need to be surefooted and have a PLAN.
another thing occurred to me... this just happened 5 days ago. all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
Go to the bank tomorrow and quietly move any large amounts of money to a safe place.
After you expose the affair, I would call up the OM and have a come to Jesus with him. [in person is even better if he lives close by! Just leave your pistol in the car] Tell him that hell is coming his way and if he doesn't back off, he will be hearing from you in a HUGE WAY.
Here is the message you need to convey to this POS:
When your wife comes back pissed as heck at you for exposing don't -apologize -have an angry outburst -yell Do -Offer her a cup of coffee or some potato chips -Tell her you will not tolerate an affair
Remember the above hbw.
Never apologize for fighting for your wife, and your marriage.
After your exposures, when you get a chance, you can tell your wife you have a plan to have a better marriage. Be sure to read up on that here first though.
Listen, There is no one more that I want justice to be served on than the OM in my wives affair. I have thought many thoughts, but I just know that it will just show that the affair your wife had made you loose control and get physical...you need to strong my friend.
Expose to this guys wife...let her continue the exposure because she will..and set the ground rules with your wife....affair must end or get out of my life until it does...yep I told all who should know about this because In case you didn't know I am fighting for you and my marriage.
You feel the pain of this, imagine how the other wife feels not sure even knowing this went on..expose in a respectful way...leave the other male alone...he wants to see you loose it....
Actually, Dr. Harley recommends contacting the OM personally, but in a non-physical way. You can read about it here.... I encourage BHs to contact the OM
I wouldn't do it without a plan ahead of time though, and a clear and calm head. Maybe even do it with a buddy who will make sure you don't pummel the guy.
Don't worry about the OM right now though. Just his wife bhw.
i truly genuinely appreciate the advice that you all have given.
i am not ready to commit to exposing this to god and earth. i'm still holding out that my wife is going to tell me this friday(the first time we're supposed to speak since monday) that she wants to fix this. i'm a fool. i know this. i'm too scared to face the scenario where my wife is no longer in my life.
i have this "plan" in my head at the moment...
wait until friday to see what my wife says. two scenarios.
a - i want to fix this - then we'll immediately get into counseling and go from there.
b - she wants to end it. i know this is what's going to happen. if this does happen then it's fair game, in my mind, to contact the guys wife, and expose everything else as you all have said.
it may not be a good plan. in my current mind state it's what i can come up with that i can my head wrapped around. i'm already not eating. i'm heavily drinking. and i'm taking a lot of xanax to try and sleep at night. the only thing that's going to make any of this worse is when my wife tells me what i already know she's going to.
i truly genuinely appreciate the advice that you all have given.
i am not ready to commit to exposing this to god and earth. i'm still holding out that my wife is going to tell me this friday(the first time we're supposed to speak since monday) that she wants to fix this. i'm a fool. i know this. i'm too scared to face the scenario where my wife is no longer in my life.
i have this "plan" in my head at the moment...
wait until friday to see what my wife says. two scenarios.
a - i want to fix this - then we'll immediately get into counseling and go from there.
b - she wants to end it. i know this is what's going to happen. if this does happen then it's fair game, in my mind, to contact the guys wife, and expose everything else as you all have said.
it may not be a good plan. in my current mind state it's what i can come up with that i can my head wrapped around. i'm already not eating. i'm heavily drinking. and i'm taking a lot of xanax to try and sleep at night. the only thing that's going to make any of this worse is when my wife tells me what i already know she's going to.
I am sorry, but that is not a plan to save your marriage. That is a plan to avoid conflict. The longer you keep the affair a secret, the less likely you will be to save your marriage.
Counseling will not help your marriage. And if she does want to save your marriage, you still need to expose it.
I want to implore you to take our advice. You do not have any earthly idea how to save your marriage and as such, are making strategic mistakes that will lessen your chances of saving your marriage.
Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience saving marriages from infidelity. He would tell you it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler.
i truly genuinely appreciate the advice that you all have given.
i am not ready to commit to exposing this to god and earth. i'm still holding out that my wife is going to tell me this friday(the first time we're supposed to speak since monday) that she wants to fix this. i'm a fool. i know this. i'm too scared to face the scenario where my wife is no longer in my life.
i have this "plan" in my head at the moment...
wait until friday to see what my wife says. two scenarios.
a - i want to fix this - then we'll immediately get into counseling and go from there.
b - she wants to end it. i know this is what's going to happen. if this does happen then it's fair game, in my mind, to contact the guys wife, and expose everything else as you all have said.
it may not be a good plan. in my current mind state it's what i can come up with that i can my head wrapped around. i'm already not eating. i'm heavily drinking. and i'm taking a lot of xanax to try and sleep at night. the only thing that's going to make any of this worse is when my wife tells me what i already know she's going to.
So you knowingly will not tell the other victim in this? The OMBW?
You will start to feel better when you do the right thing.
Melody, every BH wants to beat up the other man. He doesn't have to say it.
Expose, then confront other man. That is later since it is not first. His focus should be on exposure. THEN confront other man. ie later.
Again, he does not wait until "LATER" to confront the OM. His focus should be on exposing AND confronting the OM all within the same 48 hours. That is not later.
it may not be a good plan. in my current mind state it's what i can come up with that i can my head wrapped around. i'm already not eating. i'm heavily drinking. and i'm taking a lot of xanax to try and sleep at night. the only thing that's going to make any of this worse is when my wife tells me what i already know she's going to.
You are making serious strategic mistakes because you are so emotional. It is understandable that you would be emotional, but does it make sense to reject the advice of those who a) are not emotional and b) have a successful track record at saving marriages?
Do you have a background in saving marriages? Do you think you are qualified to know how to do it?
How will the OM's wife find out about the affair if you won't tell her? Do you realize your wife and her creepy husband are exposing an innocent party to STDs?
How can she protect herself and her children from them if you won't tell her?
I made the mistake of not exposing my wifes first affair. That left his innocent wife unknowing, living with an adulterer. It left me bitter, and my fww had no consequences other than my pain, so she had another affair a few years later.
i am not ready to commit to exposing this to god and earth.
First of all, hbw, put the alcohol AWAY. Do NOT try to anesthetize yourself to the pain that you are going through. You've got a chemical cocktail going, with alcohol and Xanax - don't do this to your body or your wits. You are also not eating. This will not help you. You need your wits about you to kill this affair, sir.
Next: God already knows. He's watching to see what your plan is going to be.
Your plan needs to be to expose this to the people who can pressure your WW and OM to end the affair. You have a HUGELY valuable tool: OM is MARRIED WITH LITTLE KIDS. USE THIS. Contact his wife. Let her know what is going on. She will be invaluable to you.
You appear to be meek and, I'm sorry, WEAK right now. I understand - you are blown away by this. But you are going to have to get fired up, here, hbw. You're going to have to help your WW do something she obviously can't do herself: end the affair. She is an addict right now. They aren't good at putting down their drug all by themselves. She's going to need your help.
Are you up to doing this and saving your marriage? Or would you like to just blog?
Alcohol does not really dull pain. It might make you more drowsy, but it is probably making you MORE emotional. Alcohol intensifies the feelings you are having. If it dulled pain I wouldn't see alcoholics drunk out of their minds sobbing.
Even if you do wait for your wife to come to her senses this week, which I guarantee you she won't, not exposing the affair will give her the protection to needs to resume her affair at anytime or have another one later. Exposing the affair is the consequence that will make her (or her POSOM) decide to end it once and for all, and to know that she does not have the license to have one anytime she wants. Dr. Harley says that exposure offers betrayed spouses the very best chance they have of crushing the affair and saving their marriage. It's the very best tool at your disposal, hbw. And the longer you delay the longer she and her POSOM will assault you and the poor other woman with the abuse of their adultery. Delaying this will only give your wife a chance to carefully plan an exit strategy that will make you look like a bad husband and justifies her choices. If you gather your evidence, gather the names and contact information of the people you are going to expose the affair to, and act swiftly, you will have dropped a huge bomb on the affair. You want that atomic bomb affect.
You have gotten consistent advice from people here who saved their marriages and helped others do the same using Dr. Harley's methods, but you will not take it. You don't want to save your marriage?
Your wife is firm in her resolve to continue her affair. You are being trampled on and so is the POSOM's poor wife, and you are not willing to do anything about it.
I'm sorry to say this, but you are letting fear dictate your ever step. You are being a coward. Man up!
Regarding confronting the other man, you are making every excuse in the world to avoid this. My wife once had a guy try to seduce her. He was good and almost succeeded. The night she told me about it, I took action. The next afternoon I visited him at his office and made him an offer he could not refuse. The guy disappeared for good after that.
Had I had the opportunity to confront the OM in her recent affair, it would have been lights out. Maybe not the best advice, but better than standing by passively while he plugs her.
HBW, I was in your same situation just 5 weeks ago. Everyone here gave me the same advice to expose the A and I must admit it felt like a very foreign concept to me at the time and I really didn't want to do it at first. But then I thought that I had absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain so I did it. The OM was the son of a close family friend. My W respected and valued the older couple very much. I simply called the father and told him about the affair. The father was extremely upset that his son would even contemplate having an affair with a married woman. The father immediately call the son and hammered him. Later that afternoon, my wife secretly texted the OM again after swearing to me many times she would never contact him again. But on these texts, the OM was pissed at my W for "throwing him under the bus" and potentially ruining his father/son relationship. He was mad at my W for telling me about the A and he was mad as hell that I called his father. This brought negative feelings from the OM towards my W. And it also brought shame, humiliation, guilt to my W because she knew that the father now knew what had happened. This shocked her system so much that it killed the emotional attachment to the OM instantly. I compare it to pouring a five gallon bucket of water on a match. It completely doused the flame instantly. I also exposed the A to my mother who my W highly respects and admires. So it only took exposing it to two people that my W really held in high regards to snuff the A right out. It worked like a charm. But, had it not worked as well I was going to unleash a full scale assault and expose the A to her entire family and many friends the very next day. When I told her about exposing it, she crumbled like a rag doll, crawled into the closet and balled up in the corner of the floor and cried for an hour. It was painful but was also completely necesary and it was the one thing that brought her back to her senses. Had the OM been married, I would have definitely have contacted his W first. You need to rock her world right now and unleash a campaign of exposing that will take the wind right out of her sails. It works! Do it today!
Where does it say that?