Wife's EAs - What to do next? - 07/01/13 04:31 PM
I have posted on here before, but it's been a couple years. I have a long story but I'll try to explain briefly:
My wife and I met when I was 22 and she was 17. We met, instantly became best friends, within 6 months had pre-marital sex, felt guilty, became engaged, then got married at age 23 & 18. It is now 19 years later and we recently celebrated our 19 year anniversary.
The first 15 years of marriage were fairly uneventful. We raised three kids who are now 10, 12, and 15. We were not very physically intimate (she felt that sex was a duty and it showed) but I overlooked that as just having different needs. We remained best friends, have common interests, and loved spending time together. Overall I was happy and I believe she was also.
Four years ago she had her first EA with another guy. It continued off & on for nearly two years. They never had sex or even as much as held hands or kissed, although in her heart she wanted to and told him so. After lots of counceling and prayer she finally broke it off for good. There has been no contact since then, we actually moved to another city to make sure. However, the effects remain. She now knows that she can have sexual feelings for a man--just not me!
Then, 1.5 years ago she had her second EA. This time the guy came on to her. She was not necessarily attracted to him but she was attracted to his aggressiveness and that he "wanted her". He came to our house once and fortunately I was home early from work that day. That pretty much put an end to their brief EA and there has been no contact since.
Finally the big one started about 8 weeks ago. We were preparing for vacation and needed a dog sitter while we we were gone. This guy from her work offered to take care of our dog, so they met together a couple of times to introduce our dogs to each other. Well, this quickly turned into an EA and I found out later they met more than a couple times and had long walks together. Skipping some of the details, she quickly developed intense feelings for him and up until 10 days ago she was texting him constantly. After meeting with our pastor 10 days ago, she broke it off and sent him a no contact message that we wrote together. I later sent him a somewhat threatening message of my own. She has sent him a few texts since then, but he has not responded back.
So, where we are at now:
(1) She is very aware that she can have intense (sexual) feelings towards a man, but she believes she has never had those feelings for me.
(2) She feels that she lost out on the "normal" cycle of dating, college, and living on her own.
(3) She feels that she is now locked into a situation where she isn't happy. The only things holding here back from divorce is our kids and our christian beliefs.
(4) To a point she blames me and her parents for getting into this situation in the first place. Her parents let her spend hours every night in my apartment when she was only 17. And at 22 I should have known better than to date and have sex with a 17 year old (her words). However, she does admit that is was very consentual and that to a point she manipulated me into both sex and marriage.
(5) We have had great dates together each of the past three evenings. Even in the midst of our troubles we can have a lot of fun together. But then as soon as we walk into our house she is back to disliking me and longing to be with someone she is physically/sexually attracted to.
Through the entire past 4 years I have been in Plan A mode. My first question is when is it time to change to Plan B?
My second question is, how does a Plan B seperation work? We have started discussions of seperation. She is thinking of turning our basement into an apartment and that she will live there and I will have the rest of the house. I'm not sure that I can live that way--under the same roof with a wife who is not committed to me. I think it would be easier for me, and probably more effective at changing her heart, to do the Plan B and go totally dark. She does not have enough income to pay for an apartment herself. She is also afraid of being accused of "abondonment" if we ultimatly end up in divorce. For those reasons she does not want to leave our house. How can you plan B someone if they won't leave?
Some final thoughts: Through all of this I still deeply love my wife and am very attracted to her at all levels. I know I haven't been everything she has needed in terms of communication and spiritual leadership, but I am willing to work on those areas and have already started by leading a devotional and prayer with her every night for the past 3 weeks.
My wife and I met when I was 22 and she was 17. We met, instantly became best friends, within 6 months had pre-marital sex, felt guilty, became engaged, then got married at age 23 & 18. It is now 19 years later and we recently celebrated our 19 year anniversary.
The first 15 years of marriage were fairly uneventful. We raised three kids who are now 10, 12, and 15. We were not very physically intimate (she felt that sex was a duty and it showed) but I overlooked that as just having different needs. We remained best friends, have common interests, and loved spending time together. Overall I was happy and I believe she was also.
Four years ago she had her first EA with another guy. It continued off & on for nearly two years. They never had sex or even as much as held hands or kissed, although in her heart she wanted to and told him so. After lots of counceling and prayer she finally broke it off for good. There has been no contact since then, we actually moved to another city to make sure. However, the effects remain. She now knows that she can have sexual feelings for a man--just not me!
Then, 1.5 years ago she had her second EA. This time the guy came on to her. She was not necessarily attracted to him but she was attracted to his aggressiveness and that he "wanted her". He came to our house once and fortunately I was home early from work that day. That pretty much put an end to their brief EA and there has been no contact since.
Finally the big one started about 8 weeks ago. We were preparing for vacation and needed a dog sitter while we we were gone. This guy from her work offered to take care of our dog, so they met together a couple of times to introduce our dogs to each other. Well, this quickly turned into an EA and I found out later they met more than a couple times and had long walks together. Skipping some of the details, she quickly developed intense feelings for him and up until 10 days ago she was texting him constantly. After meeting with our pastor 10 days ago, she broke it off and sent him a no contact message that we wrote together. I later sent him a somewhat threatening message of my own. She has sent him a few texts since then, but he has not responded back.
So, where we are at now:
(1) She is very aware that she can have intense (sexual) feelings towards a man, but she believes she has never had those feelings for me.
(2) She feels that she lost out on the "normal" cycle of dating, college, and living on her own.
(3) She feels that she is now locked into a situation where she isn't happy. The only things holding here back from divorce is our kids and our christian beliefs.
(4) To a point she blames me and her parents for getting into this situation in the first place. Her parents let her spend hours every night in my apartment when she was only 17. And at 22 I should have known better than to date and have sex with a 17 year old (her words). However, she does admit that is was very consentual and that to a point she manipulated me into both sex and marriage.
(5) We have had great dates together each of the past three evenings. Even in the midst of our troubles we can have a lot of fun together. But then as soon as we walk into our house she is back to disliking me and longing to be with someone she is physically/sexually attracted to.
Through the entire past 4 years I have been in Plan A mode. My first question is when is it time to change to Plan B?
My second question is, how does a Plan B seperation work? We have started discussions of seperation. She is thinking of turning our basement into an apartment and that she will live there and I will have the rest of the house. I'm not sure that I can live that way--under the same roof with a wife who is not committed to me. I think it would be easier for me, and probably more effective at changing her heart, to do the Plan B and go totally dark. She does not have enough income to pay for an apartment herself. She is also afraid of being accused of "abondonment" if we ultimatly end up in divorce. For those reasons she does not want to leave our house. How can you plan B someone if they won't leave?
Some final thoughts: Through all of this I still deeply love my wife and am very attracted to her at all levels. I know I haven't been everything she has needed in terms of communication and spiritual leadership, but I am willing to work on those areas and have already started by leading a devotional and prayer with her every night for the past 3 weeks.