We have been married for 14 1/2 years, together for 16. We have 3 middle school aged children. our marriage has never been perfect, but we've never had an problems such as this. However my husband has had a problem with lying to me and telling tall tales since we began dating. If he would make me upset by the truth, a lie owuld always be better, in his mind. He is a very dishonest person with everyone, especially me. I have never had much trust in him.

My husband has never had female friends, outside of work, and even at work he has always kept everything strictly platonic. He knows this would be uncomfortable for me and cross my boundaries. He is s super nice guy though. He cares about others and is very selfless when he is in public.

My husband was military, but was never sent over seas. We did however spend weeks apart when he was at training. Nothing ever happened. We weathered through it and our marriage remained strong. 6 years ago (now out of the military for 3 years already) he lost his job and found one 3 states away. I had to remain home with the children for a year trying to sell it. No infidelity occurred. I was never really even worried. We weathered that year and came out a little stronger. We have always had issues. We are very stubborn people and set in our ideas and opinions, especially him. So last fall we went to counseling. It was wonderful. After just a few months our marriage was better than when we were even dating! At least I thought so.

In December my mother was admitted to the hospital and I took a red eye to her state. I ended up staying for 6 months helping to take care of her. My husband brought the kids to me over Christmas and they were enrolled in school. It was a very stressful time for me. My mother was not very pleasant to be around all the time. She has cancer and it is terminal. Instead of showing fear, she was angry and irritable, in her own home. In public she was all smiles and positivity. It was very hard to endure, but I understood and was there for her. She was never really mean to me, mostly to my father and it was so hard to just sit back and not say anything. If I had, it would have made matters worse. My husband could not understand this and wanted to fix things. When we spoke on the phone it was always short conversations at night. I had no one else to talk to but him. But he couldn't just be a supporting ear. He had to try to tell me what to do. I still never thought anything was wrong with our marriage. I still had him to call and looked forward to it every night and thought he felt the same way.

We were both youth leaders at our church. When I left they needed to fill my spot. Yep you guessed it. In comes a woman who was sweet and pretty and had a huge set of problems at home with her husband. They started talking at youth group. Then she would come over to my house alone with him at least once a week. Of course I didn't now any of this until 6 months later when I came home. His whole friendship was kept secret. The only thing he ever told me was that she was quiet in youth group and never really did much but sat and watched. In April he told me about a conversation they had had about her husband and what a horrible guy he was. This was only because he was going to watch their children while they went on a date. I felt very uncomfortable with both issues.

I didn't find out about their "frindship" until 2 weeks after I got home and learned it from a so called friend. This friend has since become best friends with the OW. I knew they were texting about youth group and I asked him not to talk to her until we got home from our trip. She continued to text him and to call him. As soon as we got home it became a little more, all reguarding youth group calendar and a child in the group. I knew by then it was more than just a working relationship and by the next day saw them interact with each other. I told him he was to have no contact at all with her except for youth matters. She was leaving the next mornign for a week out of state with her family and so he wasn't to contact her till she came back. He promised he wouldn't, but the very next day messaged her on facebook and there were 75 messages between the 2 of them. This continued for 3 more days before I found out about it. That Thursday he called her and told her he could not contact her ever again. That their friendship was over. Neither of them saw it as anything other than a friendship. Over the last 2 months he has agreed that it was a very close emotional friendship and can see now that it was inappropriate and should never have happened.

But I have a hard time believing that they have not contacted each other in the past 2 months. There is no evidence that they have, it is just a feeling. Mostly because of how dishonest my husband has always been on any stupid little matter. Also because for 2 weeks he continued this relationship after promising he would end it.

We live 4 miles away from this woman. We quit going to that church and I've lost ALL my friends because of it. We quit going to youth group obviously. She is still there and is now best friends with my friend. She has told my friend that they have not spoken since June, but I don't believe she would tell the truth to anyone. But like I said there is no evidence that he has had contact with her. If he isn't at work, he is at home. If he has to run to the store he takes one of our children. I have all his passwords to everything and check the phone records every so often.

Of course he could get a trac phone or call her from work. Or they could meet during the day while he's at work. I wouldn't put it passed her. But I have no way of knowing. I just cannot trust him or believe anything he says.

I told him that if he wants to repair this marriage, the first thing he has to do is be 100% open and honest with me about everything. Even if it will upset me. It is 10x's worse if I find out later that he was decieving me. And even worse if I find out from someone else.

I'm just having a really hard time getting through this and wonder if I will ever be able to trust him. I never have been able to.

I am trying. I have picked up this great book and he has agreed to read it with me. But even though he is spending time with us as a family, he isn't spending time with me. When the kids go to bed he either watches more tv or plays his games. We have been out 3 times together since I've been home. twice we sat for an hour not talking. The third time was ballroom dancing and the whole time he criticized my dancing.

Even though he says he never had feelings for this woman, I feel as if he doesn't care to spend any time with me. he thinks just being home is spending time with me.

ATU,

Then she would come over to my house alone with him at least once a week.

You can bet it was a physical affair too, get a polygraph for your WH, you can't recover your marriage while your WH is still lying to you!

Have you exposed the affair to the OWH?

What you WH is doing is called minimization.

God Bless
Gamma

How do you get a polygraph

Is he still always this dishonest? Did you know about his lies while you were dating? Does he like to make himself look better or to "protect" you or himself?


Most affairs are with co-workers that start out as friends. That's why we should avoid having friends of the opposite sex. Friends are those with whom we share personal information about our likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams. Married people should never discuss personal things with the opposite sex.


Separations are terrible for marriages, even for good ones, because at the best, they create independent behavior. It's very difficult to meet the ENs while apart, too. The military has many troubled marriages. At the worst, separations create the conditions for infidelity, which would include a secret second life.


Again, separations are terrible for a marriage. It doesn't matter why the separation occurred; it's still bad for marriages. I would never ever want my daughter to come and care for me at the expense of her marriage.


I'm sorry to say that this most likely became physical. There is hardly a chance that the OW came to your house and just talked with your H.



Did he write her a no contact letter that was approved by you?

Has the affair been exposed to everyone in the church, your family, including your children, and friends? If not, it needs to be. The church should never have allowed opposite sex counselors who weren't married to each other to run the youth group.



Install a keylogger on the computer. Snoop! There is no secrecy in marriage. And no right to privacy in marriage, other than going to the bathroom.


Four miles is WAY too close! You and your family desperately need to move away from the area. FAR away. You will always be triggered and the OW will always be a threat as long as you live so close to her.


You need to move.



Write down a list of all your questions. Tell him you need the honest answers to everything. He should write a timeline of everything that happened. Also, do you have access to the bank and credit card accounts? You should make sure you check all the details there, too.


You will only be able to trust him if he EARNS your trust. Dr. Harley has a plan of restoration that will work IF both spouses follow it carefully.


What book did you get? You should get Surviving an Affair and read it cover to cover with your H. Then follow all the steps.


Of course he had feelings for OW. He needs to shut down FB right away. MB has a plan for recovery after an affair, but the path is very very narrow. Both spouses need to be willing to do what it takes. You can start the process, but your H will have to join with you to make it work.

I'm sorry for your pain.

A post by MelodyLane that spells out Just Compensation:

Then why did you marry him if he was such a dishonest person?

I contacted the OW's H and this is the answer I got back.

"I knew of what was going on but warned her to keep her boundries. There were times when those boundries greyed a little and i told her she needed to back off. Both he and she crossed theses lines, but i would like to assure you that i believe it was a friendship and that is all. They had a lot in common and got along well. I met him multiple times both at our house and yours. I know there is nothing i can say that will reassure your doubts...but i don't think they ever crossed the ultimate line. I realize being told all of it at once would be overwhelming...but in my heart and mind i know it stopped at a good friendship"

Though my husband says this man NEVER came to our house. Then I received a text from her! "Please leave my family and friends (who were my friends and the ones who told me about the affair)O alone. You need to find closure on your own. As you can tell you did not provide my husband with anything he didn't already know. I'm sorry your husband was dishonest with you"

We are trying to move. We have our house for sale. But we can't leave until it sells and he finds a new job.

He lies for both reasons. To protect himself and to protect my feelings.

I wholeheartedly agree about not having friends of the opposite sex, but he never understood that. Though he never has had one until this woman.

Yes we informed the church and she went back and told them I was lying and making it up, that they were just friends and did nothing wrong. Her husband even is telling me they did nothing wrong, were just friends. Apparently she didn't do anything wrong, just my husband. She told her husband everything and only saw it as a friendship, though they joked about switching the names on their marriage certificates, oh no that was my husband, who conveniently doesn't remember that.

I have not informed his parents but am seriously considering it. I have informed my friends and parents. I put it all out on facebook where everyone in church and my friends, his friends, and some of her friends could see. But she told me I was wrong and had to go to church and clean up the lies I told!!!!

I feel like I honestly have NO ONE on my side.

My family lives 1000 miles away. My best friend has become her friend. Would rather be her friend than mine!!!

Why did I marry him in the first place, because I loved him and wanted to get away from my parents. He also couldn't wait 2 years for me to go ot college. He was afraid our relationship wouldn't last. He was probably right from what I've just had happen to me.

ATU,

I contacted the OW's H and this is the answer I got back.

Get a polygraph for your WH, then contact the OWH!

http://www.polygraphplace.com/docs/listcountries.php type in your zip code, also look in the phone book,

God Bless
Gamma

Google 'polygraphs' in your area. Call the police or sheriff's department in your area and see if they can give you names of polygraphers.

ATU, she has managed to gaslight her husband and he has accepted that as truth, sadly. There's not much more you can do to help the OWH if he chooses to accept her flimsy story.

She and her H are going to present themselves as innocent 'victims' of your 'fantasy' - that's immaterial to your marital recovery. Keep going forward with your own recovery. You've done all you can do regarding OW's H.

Please read. There are questions that posters have asked.
Polygraph Testing

My original post is here original post

I believe nothing physical happened between H and OW. My husband isn't your typical man. Throughout his life people have thought he is gay. He is extremely in touch with his emotions. He just isn't like most men. He is nice to everyone. What I see as flirting he sees as being nice to an over tired waitress who's had a scrappy day. It's a great frame of mind that many people dont have. He is a good Samaritan. He stops on the side of the road for people who have broken down. He is goofy and overly nice. So in his mind he was helping this OW by being there to listen and joke with and making her feel better. At least that's what he kept telling himself.

He knew he was crossing my boundaries. Which is why he kept this relationship a secret. It took him 3 months to finally admit and truly mean that he screwed up and went way too far and knew it was wrong at the time. It was a wonderful feeling and I finally felt like we could move on. We have been spending a lot of time together.

We want to move. She lives 6 miles away. Unfortunately our house won't sell and he can't find a job in another state. So we are stuck here. Thankfully we haven't run into her in the last 3 months. She has also left the church so we have gone back. Many people were so happy to see us back and welcomed us "home". However there are some who became friends with her. these were already friends with me. She spent the last 3 months telling people they did nothing wrong and were just friends. This woman told my husband not to listen to me. Told him he had every right to be friends with whomever he wanted and I was wrong to be upset. She had him convinced for a long time. But he's finally realized she was wrong.

So my issue is, why do my friends believe her over me? They've known me for 3-5 years. My best friend got to know this woman while I was away so she could find out what was truly going on. She decided she likes this woman. She ended our friendship and is continuing the friendship with the OW! After she told me she was appalled at what this woman had done to me and my marriage. I just don't understand it. She is the one who clued me in to what was going on in the first place. Then she tells me she doesn't wAnt to be in the middle because she likes this OW! She goes to our church and is a very prominent person there.

I was worried about going back because I didn't want H treated badly for what he had done. It doesn't seem to be an issue. Before we left we were the youth leaders. Some want us back, most are telling us to take it slow. We were also on the praise team. Someone doesn't wAnt us back in the praise team so we've been told to wait till after Christmas. We aren't allowed to praise God in singing with our group during the holidays. It was a knife to my heart. I feel like I'm being published for what my husband did. then there are those who are snubbing ME! Because they think I'm wrong for being upset over their friendship because she has them convinced it was just that. They don't know the details. How do I let them know what really happened, when they don't even want to look at me? I am not confrontational. I'm the nice person who avoids conflict at all cost. Eh o accepts a hug in public with a sweet smile from a woman who threatened me not a month ago. This OW is so much sweeter than me though and everyone loves her.

I am so depressed. I want to go back to this church now that she is gone. I want to go back to what we were doing before for the last 5 Yeats before she disrupted everything. But I feel like I only half belong.

I'd choose better friends. People who support an A are people you can live without.

Plus, you are setting up the OW and your WH with a support group and they know they will have friends if they get back together.

Since an A is an addiction that can always be resumed, you should not be encouraging it!!

I'd leave the church. You also both need to both get very far away soon. Your marriage is hanging by a thread and you and your H must be constantly triggered and expecting to walk into her.

Can your H be transferred? Work remotely?

Can you move away with the same job for your H? Can he travel in to work from another direction?

Can you rent out the house?

We cannot sell our house. We cannot rent it in our area, especially for what our mortgage is. We have searched the US for positions. It is not a transerable position. It is in the medical field. Most hospitals are on a hiring freeze. Trust me, we have looked into it. Had our house on the market for half a year. Every response was the same. We're asking at least $30,000 more than the market is selling at. We have to get it though or we can't pay off the mortgage. When you have a real career and own a house it isn't just a simple to thing to up and move away. I really wish it was. We could travel to work from another direction, meaning we could move to another town, but we have to sell our house first. We will look at putting it back on the market in a year. But if no one's hiring, it won't make much difference. He has to live within an hour's drive to work. Meaning she can easily see him no matter where we move.

There has been absolutely no contact between them for 3 months. I believe that 100%. However you are right. We could run into her at Walmart. Which is why he can't go anywhere on his own. She has no transportation during the day. They have 3 little ones still at home and her husband has their only vehicle. They are broke and cannot afford cab fare. So I'm really not worried about her driving to his work. Besides, hi coworkers would tell me if he's being visited at work.

We do not want to leave this church. Most of the people there love us and are against what happened. They all drove her out of that church. Doesn't sound very Christian, but I did a happy dance. The people at this church are my family. Our closest family members live 8 hours away. There are a couple people who are still friends with her and are snubbing me and H.

What hurts the most is my friend who is the one who gave me the details of their relationship and then continued to be friends with this woman. Dropped me as a friend altogether. Sure she's nice to me at church, but doesn't talk much to me at all. I just don't understand how she can do this. She was the one who thought something bad was going on. She was the one who outed this relationship. She did not like what this woman did. But she feels sorry for this woman. She's in a very bad relationship. She's very poor and her kids aren't taken care of very well. But this OW has every opportunity to leave and take her kids out of this situation.

No need to start a new thread, when the old one contains lots of pertinent information. You might wish to ask the moderators to merge them so that people can get your story without jumping around to new windows.

Your husband has no business being on a praise team or in any other front-&-center position that conveys leadership in any area of ministry for the foreseeable future. It's perfectly natural that they don't want him singing there. And for the benefit of your marriage, you & he should not be in separate ministry activities, only ones that you can do together; so since he can't sing, you can't sing. I realize that's not fair to you, but "fair" went out the window when he chose to engage in his affair. I am sorry for what you have lost at his hands.

It sounds as though this ex-friend of yours has a perverse idea of what constitutes friendship. (Have a glance at Proverbs 16:28 - "A perverse man [or woman] stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.") Sounds to me like the so-called "friend" is someone who vicariously enjoyed your husband's & OW's drama, to massage her own sense of self-importance, cruelly at your expense. No need to further deceive yourself that she ever really was a friend of yours. You will be better off without her in your lives.

Beyond all of this, Indiegirl is right; despite what mixed feelings you must have at leaving what had been your church home, your being there will be a constant memory trigger, in ways that will prevent you from healing & in ways that may tempt your husband to resume his affair. So for the sake of your marriage, you must find another church, whether you relocate to a new home or not.

Again, that's not "fair." But it is your new reality, thanks to his affair. To give yourself the best odds for an outcome that allows you to rescusitate your marriage, you need to deal with the reality as it is, not as you wish it to have been, and that means you need to say 'adios' to that church.

Did you ever get that polygraph from him?

Across the Universe,

Sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I am in agreement with GloveOil and Indie Girl-you must leave that church.

My husband had an affair with a fellow church member. They carried on their affair under the guise of "ministry". After the affair was discovered and exposed, we had to leave that church.

The pastors had no problem with both families staying and worshipping together. But I had a problem with that ! I did not want to return to the scene of the crime weekly. Additionally, I didn't want the two "lovebirds" sitting across the church pining away for one another and oogling over what "might have been or should have been". Gross.

Sundays now suck. We are still looking for a church home. My kids had to leave their friends. And it isn't fair. But that's tough luck and we are better off not going back even though it would be familiar.

It would be like pouring lemon juice in a paper cut every time you went back there.

Sorry, but I speak from experience. That's reality.

ATU~

Last time you were here you were advised to have your husband take a polygraph. From your most recent post I suspect you haven't done that. If not, why not?

You said this on your last thread:


What has changed? What makes you believe you have the truth now? I am not convinced that you do. If your husband is really being honest with you then he should jump at the chance to prove his innocence. Schedule a polygraph, ATU.

Mrs. W

First, the OW is no longer at this church and cannot come back. She told everyone to F themselves at a leader meeting. Second I have no family here. The members at this church are my family. The majority of them do not condone what happened, but as me believe in forgiveness.

Yes my friend probably enjoyed the drama to heighten her own importance and is still friends with this OW. Who knows why. She thinks she is God's gift and is taking care of this woman and her kids or something. It hurts, but I will one day make new friends. I do not want to leave this church. Being there with people who love me really helps. Going back to my normal life before I had to save for 6 months to care for my mother really helps.

I did not get a polygraph. First we would have to drive hours to one. Second I do not have $500 laying around. Unless someone here wants to fund it for me, that will not be happening.

Yes my husband has lied to me. He has never had an affair before this. I believe in my heart that nothing happened. mainly because of how many times the OW said trust me he loves you. I know she tried. but he never responded to her. It was in her voice and what she said between the lines.

My biggest problem is knowing this woman convinced my husband that I had no right telling him he couldn't be friends with her. That fir weeks she told him not to listen to me and he listened to her. But we are past that. However she lives 6 miles away and I can't get away from her. Somehow God has smiled down on us and in 4 months I haven't run into her once. I know I will in December at my daughter's concert. I am terrified to go. But I have to support my daughter. I am terrified to go shopping in any local store. Even more so for my husband to go. I don't want him to physically see her ever again. that's impossible. We can't move. Our house won't sell. We can't rent it out, our mortgage is too high. I am completely screwed.

He has done everything right. no contact at all. Doesn't go anywhere without me. tries very hard not to argue. We are healing. But I've been so depressed the last couple days. I know I'll go through good days and bad days. the bad days are just so hard. I'm just so scared that we will run into her and I am so depressed and hurt that we can't change that. We can't get out of here. I'm terrified of what that may mean in the future. What if he slips? Nothing happened before. But what if something happens in the future? She can't handle the abuse from her husband anymore and comes running to him? It plays over and over in my mind.

Why can't you move? Being that close to the OW is going to be a trigger all the time.

Will you move?

You said you can't move because you can't rent your home out for enough to cover the mortgage.

Can you rent it for enough to cover rent some place else?

We can't afford rent somewhere else and our home. If we move, he takes a paycut if he can even find a job. Our house will not sell. The market has come down way too far here. We owe more than what we can sell it for.

I want to move. i don't care where we move. It is killing me knowing she is 5 miles away. But we can't get the H out of here. Even if we could sell our house, He has to find another job to pay all our monthly bills. Most hospital and even clinics are under a hiring freeze for his position. We have job security right now. Even if we move in state, as I said, we have to be within an hour drive from his work.

He's been really good. There has been no contact. But the possibility of us running into her is great. It is very hard. Sometimes life doesn't go your way. Yes this site has many great ideas to follow, but sometimes it isn't realistic.

I know it's going to be a trigger for me. It's killing me inside. But I just have to live with it because I have no choice.

I am still learning. I am a slow reader. My family and our friends pretty much know what happened. His family does not. Many of our friends at church were told lies by the OW and believed her and never heard the truth. It has been 4 months now with NC. Is it really wise to bring it back up and tell his family? We are definitely in recovery. We have spent so much time with him and I have a tiny seed of trust planted, but there are always doubts. Plus everything that you've read above about living only 5 miles from OW. I want absolutely NC between them. I actually believe that my husband will not go looking for it, but I am terrified that she will. i found out she would cal him on the phone crying and ask if she could come over. That's how she was at our house so much with him. He was trying to be the good friend and didn't think anything of it. She was the initiator. I've had several people tell me she was an initiator, she flirted nonstop with him. I am hoping that over the next few months people will start to open up and tell me more of what they observed. Will that make us backstep in our progress? Maybe. Or maybe it will help to confirm that my husband is telling me the truth.

With no concrete evidence to support what he says it is so hard to believe him. So anything that can be told to me to help me believe his words will help us to rebuild our marriage.

So my question is should I still inform his family? Or should I leave it alone since it's been so long?

So you are saying you cannot rent your home for enough to cover the rent at another home?

As long as you can rent your home for the same or more than rent on another place it is a financial wash.

Since you can afford the mortgage now, you should be able to keep paying it if the rent you get for your home is more than the rent on the new place to live.

We've never seen a marriage recover without Herculean effort. Not one.

It would be nice to put out a blazing fire without gallons of water - but a hugely damaging blaze requires a huge rescue operation. That's just a fact.

You can't leave part of the house on fire and say - 'I have no choice 'cause we are out water'.

If that level of effort is not realistic for the two of you, sad to say, you won't recover.

You are telling us recovery is not a realistic option for you.

1) You will remain triggered until you move church and home. Recovery won't start until AFTER that. Even a dire financial situation can be recovered from, but another Dday? Not really.
2) No Polygraph. WH doesn't have anything he can sell to fund it?

3) Exposure. This is such a basic step I can't believe it is not done. Exposure is ALWAYS needed, even when the A has been dead 20 years.

Acrosstheuniverse, has your husband looked for jobs out of state? That would be your best strategy. You might not be able to move right away, but companies will be hiring again in January and that would give you time to explore options about your home.

You probably are not going to make it unless you move away.

...........this radio clip is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the OP. [when they live close by] This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

he has been looking for a job for months. As I said there are hiring freezes going on. No we cannot rent because we had a terrible experience renting our last house and have no one to keep an eye out at our house if we move thousands of miles away. One of us would have to come back periodically and how would that help the marriage? We will try again to sell our house next year. Right NOW it isn't selling. I still want to move and he is 100% for moving as well. Unfortunately it isn't in the cards for us right now.

So you're saying it's never too late to expose him to his family. I thought part of recovery was never bringing up the A to the WS. Informing his family 4 months after NC would be bringing up the A again. So I'm confused on that one.I didn't run across this site until at least a month after NC was established.

Never bring up the A after you expose and have the full details from your WS. The method you mentioned above is the "sweep it under the rug" method and according to MB principles. Have you read Surviving the affair?

ATU, I don't think you really understand what you are up against. You talk about the terrible experience of renting out your house. Which was more terrible, the affair or the renting experience? The renting experience did not destroy your lives. An affair can destroy your lives.

Do you see where I am headed with this? We see where you are headed and are trying to get you off the train tracks. I think since you don't really see the train headed towards you, that you believe that you can get away with making minor changes in lives. But you can't. And you may not be able to overcome your mistakes.

Did you listen to the radio clips? Those people did not move either and their marriage is now destroyed. They are getting divorced.


Don't bring up the affair to your husband. But DO expose to his family. You need their support. They can also help hold your husband accountable.

You do need to expose to his family. They need to be aware of what he has done. They will be able to keep tabs on him and help you keep him accountable. This is step 1. You can't be in recovery until you go through the steps. You need to get this done as soon as possible.

A couple of things come to mind. The first of which is to try a rental company. They will oversee your property for you for a small percentage of the rent. And if you did have to come back, you could come back together.

Secondly, is your house on the market? Houses are selling now and prices are rising. Do you have your house nicely staged? Is it cleaned up and decluttered?

Second what Mel said about a rental management company. A good one is worth the 10% or so they charge. Even if you were enthusiastic about being a remote landlord, you have other problems that need your time and energy.

Agree with Neera. And another positive thing is that since the mortgage industry has tightened up on their qualifications, less people are qualifying for mortgages. That increases the demand for rental properties, so you can be really choosy when selecting tenants. If you hire a rental company, they can screen your tenants with credit/background checks.

No I haven't read that book. I am working on his needs her needs right now and bought marriage busters. I've read a lot on this website though and have read many of the articles, which is where I got the info on not bringing up the A.

I thank you all for helping me. I wish it were as easy as just picking up and moving, but when you have tons of bills and he's the only one with a job, you can't just leave the job when there isn't one to go to. Trust me, we;ve looked. We've even looked in places we never expected to move. But nothing is available for him. He is in a specialized field. We are still trying. We haven't given up. We will try to sell again after the holidays. He is still actively looking for a new job. He is uncomfortable here a well and knows how sad and depressed I am being so close to her.

What is killing me lately is not knowing if it was physical or not. It looks every bit as if it could have been so easily. But looks can sometimes be deceiving. Honestly even if I had the money for a polygraph I wouldn't believe it. He is the type who can learn to fake out the machine.

This is the reason you expose even if the A is dead. Even if it's months later. It makes all the difference. You really should make that polygraph a priority too. He really won't be able to cheat the machine. We use them extensively in my line of work, sometimes for fun...to see if they can be beaten. I haven't seen anyone do it consistantly, and never on thier first try.

I feel your pain on the moving issue. The fact remains that a failed marriage will impact the rest of your life far more than loosing some money on renting out your house.

Yes we had the house on the market. We had a lot of lookers with the same answer. It's priced 30k too high. Unfortunately we have to get that to pay the bank back. The market is not as good as the news tries to tell everyone. Especially where we live. We are in a nice house down the street from a trailer park and up the road from section 8 housing. It brings the value of our house down. According to the property analysis our house is worth 30k less than what we bought it for only 5 years ago when the market was still really bad. As for renting, people are renting in this area for about 1500 less than what our mortgage is. We couldn't possibly find somewhere at that price to rent for a family of 5. We've already had to do a deed in lieu on our last house, which in 5 years the bank hasn't even been able to sell. It's a beautiful home on an acre, nothing wrong with it. Just too far from a major city and they are building new homes around it for cheaper. We are having that same issue here. They are building new homes for a litttle more than what our house is going for. We have everything against us to try to sell. Like I said, we will put it back on the market after the holidays. Yes it was clean and staged and repainted and cosmetically updated and we boxed up a ton of our personal items. It didn't make a difference.

I have started reading Surviving an Affair. Is it ok to have H read it as well?

The correct book for affairs would be Survivng an Affair. The articles can complement the book, but can't come close to giving you the basic understanding of the dynamics of an affair. His Needs, Her Needs is written to people who have not experienced an affair. The Marriage Builders program is completely different from any other program so you won't find it in any other marriage resource.


We understand you can't just give pick up and leave and know it takes time sometimes. But it shouldn't take more than a few months. How aggressive is he in his search? Is he using headhunters?

That would be a good idea!

Universe, sounds like a money trap.

If I were in your current housing situation I�d look at what walking away from the home would do for me. If you�re upside down in your current mortgage you�ll probably be that way for some time and the housing values may never return to what they were.

I know of at least 3 couples that did this and they came out the other side better off.

Did you ever have your WH take a poly?

I'm just so depressed and fed up with this. Our house is off the market. he says he's looking for another job, but he isn't. The hospital has cut overtime, so now we are making less than usual and he is stressing. But he won't talk to me. And of course this means more hours at his second and, yes, third job. He does PRN at 2 other places. So this means more time away from home and more overnights. The paychecks come in, so i know he's working. But how do I know he isn't stopping to see her on the way home or to work? How can I believe him? We have no money. So I can't do a polygraph. I'm not lying when I say we have no money. We have enough for bills and food.

what kills me is that he won't talk to me about his problems and stress, but he was able to talk to her about them. That's why they were so close. he has NEVER talked to me about being stressed or worried or anything unpleasant at work. He says it's because he doesn't want to worry me or scare me. To me it just says that I'm not part of his life outside this house. I don't mean enough to him to open up to me. But in another text he says that he has been opening up to me and telling me but I just don't care. How can I show i care if he really isn't telling me anything? He is still being dishonest with me. He just goes around in circles around my statements.

He's been making statements about how he has to go to work because he's the only one making money. He's never said this before.I understand he's stressed because he isn't able to work as much overtime. But he should sit down and talk to me. Not make mean statements while walking out the door. I've been a stay at home mom. We have 3 kids all 1 year apart and started 4 months after being married. he was in the military and when he was home would never help out with the kids. he was a crappy dad and husband in the first years. he has come light years since then. But because of that I couldn't follow my dreams and go to college. Now we can't afford it. So I am stuck at age 33 with no skills and no way to bring in extra income. It will literally take me 3 weeks of working minimum wage to make what he makes in 1 night at his PRN job.

So he isn't saying it, but I should go get a job working at McDonalds because that's all I'm qualified to do, and be unhappy all day, then come home, cook, clean, and take care of the kids. Because it's my job and the kids job to do these things, not his. he works full time all day. he's tired when he gets home and just wants to sit and watch tv like he has done for 14 years. His job makes more money than mine so it's more important and I have no reason to be tired. I've held a few part time jobs, 2 were working at horse stables busting my butt and very tiring. But this was his answer. My job is just part time. i have more time ot do the household chores.when I work full time and make what he makes then I can complain about him no thelping.

Oh sure he has gotten better and has started helping out more. Every now and then these responses come up though and the Ahole comes out.

I'm sorry. i literally have no one to tlak to. i have no friends here. I go to church and people there talk to me, but not once in 5 years has one called me on the phone or invited me over (except for the traiter who decided she wanted to be best friends with the OW). So I guess it sounds like I deserve all this pain. I must be an awful person. The OW is super sweet and wonderful and everyone loves her. I guess he made the wrong choice when he decided to choose me.

Yes he makes a lot of money. But it all goes to bills. being in the military and moving and then losing a job and being without a job for 3 months and then living apart for a year and then owning 2 houses for a while racks up a lot of credit debt. We are in over our eyeballs. But we have enough to live on and be happy. But that isn't enough for him. It's enough for me and the kids, but nothing has ever been enough for him.

No one deserves to have their spouse cheat on them. You may be 50% responsible for the state of your marriage, but he is 100% responsible for his affair.

Can you put a GPS on his vehicle? A VAR in his vehicle? Do you check his phone to see whom he may be talking to?

We have verizon so I have his texts coming to my computer and I am the main account holder so I have the phone records. Nothing on the phone or facebook. I have checked both his truch and bike regularily and never found a burner phone. But he could be calling her from work. He won't take her number off his phone. he says he needs it to be able to keep a block on her number. That's bull. He keeps telling me that there has been no contact "with that individual". He gets upset though when I won't let him stay after work to do a bible study with a few of the men there. I told him he can't do anything without me or the kids present except for work. Of course now it seems he's working more die to his decrease in pay. I tried a GPS on his phone but it didn't work. I'm thinking of getting a recorder, but I doubt he'll do anything in his jeep. he's very intelligent. I just feel like he's still lying to me and keeping more from me. i feel like he's still seeing her, but I have absolutely no evidence. Just gut feeling. When he takes 20 extra minutes to get home, I wonder where he was. He tells me there was bad traffic. Of course I'm not in the vehicle so I don't know. What GPS would I be looking for and where would I find it?

Of course the fact that I don't believe him could just be due to the fact that he has lied to me for so long that I just cannot trust him or believe anything he says

Has anyone done the voice stress analysis test, it's a voice polygraph done over the phone?

Here you go GPS Units

He needs to change contact information. Have you ever driven to his job unannounced to see if he's there?

Did he write the OW a NC letter and you send it?

I have never driven to his job unanounced. He could be anywhere within the 4 miles of hospital. It is in a terrible part of town that I'm scared to drive through. So I've only been to his work a total of 3 times. I know setting myself up.

He did not write a NC letter. He called her against my wishes and ended it. Hasn't spoken to her since. Or so he says. It's been 4 months. I did not know about this site till well after he did that. I also never exposed to his family. I exposed to mine, exposed on FB so some of his family did see. But I feel that if I expose to his parents now it will set us back and seriously piss him off. How is that going to help our marriage? Or should I have him write something and send it to them in front of me. Tellin ghim I need him to do this to help our marriage recover?

Your marriage can survive his anger but not his affair.

So what do I write to them? Can it really survive his anger? i never told her family either as i do not know her or her family. I did speak to her husband, but he believes nothing happened and was fine with them being friends because she always told him where she was going and what she was doing. It wasn't kept a secret from him. So do i try to send something to her family as well? None of them live near here at all. From what i hear she isn't really on speaking terms with her family either. Plus if I send something now I'm afraid she'll issue harassment charges on me.

I really want to put this past us and get out of this deep depression that I am stuck in.

Expose to EVERYONE. All of them.

So what do I say so I don't get slapped with embarrassment charges. Especially since its been 4 months and she's telling everyone that they were just friends. They both swear there was nothing physical and no feelings. Just a friendship. So I'm the crazy paranoid wife.

What do I write in the letter to expose them?

Please read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting

Let's recap.

So you know he had an Emotional affair with this woman and she came to your house a handful of times, but they are trying to make you believe you're paranoid? And you never exposed their affair and OW's own BH told you he believes nothing happened? This is going on for four months and he hasn't given you just compensation? You live very close to OW and may have to see her at your kid's school? You just can't prove if they are still in contact, but he's acting distant from you? And you never exposed?

Is that about it?

I'm surprised you haven't suffered from PTSD.

Have you seen your doctor for some ADs?

How is the house for sale going? Job hunt?

Please tell us exactly what proof you have? Your friend's word?

Well that thread sure sounds familiar. Story of my marriage. But it usually ends in an apology. Unless its the, I never said that, or the, I told you last week 3 times, yet this is the first I've heard about it. He gets frustrated at me and says I have the memory of a goldfish.

However that isn't the issue here. She is the one who said I was being paranoid and this was 4 months ago. That's why I am afraid to contact her family as she will defend herself by saying that. She already had 4 months to say that exact thing at church. I believe the majority did not believe her though. I did expose the affair on Facebook immediately and to my family and some in the church, but not to his family or hers. I didn't know I was supposed to. I also didn't know it was an affair, I just knew he had lied to me about being friends with a woman for 6 months. I did some research and that's when I learned of EA's and this website.

Just compensation? Not sure what that is. H is usually being good about doing what I ask. Not goin anywhere without me or the kids. Letting me read his phone or tablet whenever. Accounting for time. But then there's the occasional outburst claiming he isn't allowed to have friends or a life outside work and this marriage. He isn't really acting distant from me. But I arch him in little lies every now and then. I just feel like he hasn't told me the whole truth. If it was innocent he never would have deleted her texts and messages immediately after receiving and sendin them. He covered all his tracks. Now he wants me to believe there was no PA. And she was alone at my house with him more than a handful of times. This was at least once a week for over 3 months. She started coming over in march and this ended June 23. But the "friendship started early Feb or late January.

My proof was phone records. That is all. Also his word. What he told me happened. As I said he deleted everything else. Also the word of my friend and copies from messages from her an a couple texts from the OW to her.

I have not spoken to the Ow since June. I messaged the oW husband in Aug and she sent me a text telling me to leave her family and friends alone. Then one of her friends, another former friend of mine and sister to the traitor friend, sent me a threatening text. I still have them.

Husband has rally been trying and ha been really good. But work stress is getting to him and he is not keeping his word about being open with me and sharing his frustrations and everything else with me. I've been a little distant because I just feel like something isn't right.

House is off the market. He is not looking actively for a job. There is no plan in place. There was no plan when the house was on the market. Just we hope to sell and find a job at the same time. Everything has to just fall into place. He knows I need to move away and says he is doing everything he can. Which happens to be nothing at all. Which is why I think something may be going on.

Please read this and listen to the clips.
What is Just Compensation?

As I've asked at least twice before.

What do I write to his family?
What do I write to OW family?

Or should I have him write to these people confessing what he has done. Making him expose it all. Honestly I think that will make me feel so much better. That would be Just compensation for me. It's like him screaming off a rooftop that he did something wrong.

There are some days in which he says he did something wrong, but occasionally he will say he didn't do anything wrong, except for having a friend. Not a female friend, but just a friend. He says he will not have any friends ever again. So he really still is only just telling me what I want to hear.

It needs to be exposed. Will your WH be honest and tell his and your family the truth?

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark