hello Im here ive been reading alot of posts & i finally got up enough courage to ask 4 some help I really screwed up & did the dumbest thing since the affair it self.
My bs had me write a letter of no contact 2 send 2 ap & also was going 2 go nuclar on exposure & 4 some dumb reason with out thinking I called ap & left a message she was about to be exposed. after I hung up I realized how stupid that was especially when I ended the relation ship & have not communicated with her in awhile.
I sincerely regret my stupidity & after I admitted what I did 2 my wife she is understandably very upset.
I really truly love my wife & want 2 build a new stronger marriage & I do understand this behavior is not acceptable in any way shape or form.
Hi Dumbman, welcome to Marriage Builders. I don't believe you are "dumb" at all. I believe it takes a lot of cleverness, sneakiness and strategic planning to carry on an affair as long as you have. Only a very shrewd cat would cry crocodile tears to his victim begging for forgiveness and when his victim is not looking, knife her in the back again by contacting his skank.
So how about changing your screen name to something HONEST? Like "polecat," "playah" or "ShrewdMan?"
You are about as "dumb" as a fox, my friend.
I really truly love my wife & want 2 build a new stronger marriage & I do understand this behavior is not acceptable in any way shape or form.
That "love" does not protect her from your destructive, cruel behavior, though. Love is demonstrated by actions, not by empty words that don't match your actions. So saying you "love her" and your actions were "unacceptable" is meaningless.
Didn't you say all this before?
How will she be protected in the future?
Having an affair and then tricking your spouse into a false recovery is not a "dumb" action, but a MEAN, CRUEL, SELFISH action. It takes a very shrewd fox to pull that off.
A fox is not dumb, he is cruel and calculating.
well I suppose I could change my screen name I don't feel that would help the matter at hand.we have been reading & doing a lot of marriage builders & I usually initiate working on our new relationship & look forward to scheduling time & reading the books.
.we have been reading & doing a lot of marriage builders & I usually initiate working on our new relationship & look forward to scheduling time & reading the books.
You have also been having an affair and calling your OW AFTER you told your wife your affair was over so apparently all that "reading and scheduling time" was for show, wasn't it? It was a big scam.
What is she supposed to do with the fact that you go to work and call up your OW? How will she be protected from that the next time you go to work?
I really feel we made many improvements in our marriage since we started marriage builders. I quickly recognized
I had many faults & changed them as quickly as i could.
MrBlindsided, can you tell me the #1 problem with having an affair?
hello Im here ive been reading alot of posts & i finally got up enough courage to ask 4 some help I really screwed up & did the dumbest thing since the affair it self.
My bs had me write a letter of no contact 2 send 2 ap & also was going 2 go nuclar on exposure & 4 some dumb reason with out thinking I called ap & left a message she was about to be exposed. after I hung up I realized how stupid that was especially when I ended the relation ship & have not communicated with her in awhile.
I sincerely regret my stupidity & after I admitted what I did 2 my wife she is understandably very upset.
You've a lot of explaining to do, mister. Sadly, I'm several hours ahead of you on the clock and I cannot stay up to hear it. You need to tell us how you had the cruelty to do the things you did to your wife over so many years and how you have the cruelty to still be doing them.
I warn you not to come crying crocodile tears to this forum in the hope that your wife will see the gesture as an indication of your sincerity. We will not convince her that you are serious and that she should forgive you if that's what you hope to achieve merely by wringing your hands here for a day or two.
We can help you rebuild your marriage but you need to start from a position of honesty. We won't help you abuse your poor wife any more.
I really feel we made many improvements in our marriage since we started marriage builders. I quickly recognized
I had many faults & changed them as quickly as i could.
You were having an affair. How is that an "improvement?" If a man beats his wife, do you think it will matter if he helps her do the dishes? I assure you it matters not.
What you did to your wife was more traumatic than rape or physical assault. And you did it over and over again. How is that an improvement?
So what would you say to a man whose beaten, bloody wife was lying on the floor from a fresh beating when he told you:
"I really feel we made many improvements in our marriage since we started marriage builders. I quickly recognized
I had many faults & changed them as quickly as i could!"
You must think I am a DumbWoman if you think that is believable.
I really feel we made many improvements in our marriage since we started marriage builders. I quickly recognized
I had many faults & changed them as quickly as i could.
As a FWS, I can tell you, there's no way you've "recognized and changed" your many faults this quick.
Especially after breaking the NC, you originally initiated.
Are you truly remorseful? Are you humbled? What EP's have you put in place? What JC is being given to your BS?
We decided along with my gps tracking device i will also carry a voice activated recorder in my shirt pocket. No the scheduling of time & readings were not for show we really practiced them. I obviously did not realize the ramifications or the severity of any contact with OW even years latter.Thats why I feel so stupid I also ended contacting ow on my own after the realization.
we have been reading & doing a lot of marriage builders & I usually initiate working on our new relationship & look forward to scheduling time & reading the books.
I changed jobs less pay less hours closer 2 home.Yes I truly & deeply remorseful. Yes humbled ,I truly have new stronger feeling 4 my wife,gps tracking device ,no drive zone, started going to church again aft d day, changed my phone #, total transparency ,texting during day, quit smoking, wear a vioce activated recorder.
I changed jobs less pay less hours closer 2 home.Yes I truly & deeply remorseful. Yes humbled ,I truly have new stronger feeling 4 my wife,gps tracking device ,no drive zone, started going to church again aft d day, changed my phone #, total transparency ,texting during day, quit smoking, wear a vioce activated recorder.
If you DID have total transparency, you would never have called your AP to "warn" her of what was coming, likewise for being remorseful, if you WERE truly remorseful for YOUR A, for betraying your spouse, leaving a message for the OW would never have crossed your mind.
Is it possible your feelings of remorse etc, for contacting the OW, are because you realized you'd get caught for doing so? Would you still have confessed to your BS what you had done in terms of "warning the OW" if you'd known you'd never get caught?
I don't think u r a dumb women. when I was referring 2 changes I made Alot had 2 do with myself & how I was treating my wife.I do realize what I did 2 my wife & how serious this is that's why I'm here asking 4 so help/guidance.
I changed jobs less pay less hours closer 2 home.Yes I truly & deeply remorseful. Yes humbled ,I truly have new stronger feeling 4 my wife,gps tracking device ,no drive zone, started going to church again aft d day, changed my phone #, total transparency ,texting during day, quit smoking, wear a vioce activated recorder.
And you just contacted your OW. You can call the OW all day long from cell phones at work and she call them.
What did the OW tell her family members about the upcoming exposure letters from your wife? What was your girlfriends story to her family?
I don't think u r a dumb women. when I was referring 2 changes I made Alot had 2 do with myself & how I was treating my wife.I do realize what I did 2 my wife & how serious this is that's why I'm here asking 4 so help/guidance.
You were just in touch with your OW, so it is unrealistic to imagine anything has changed. What changed? Your underwear?
You have treated your wife horribly by contacting the OW. You just contacted the OW because you put her before your wife.
Yes I m remorseful I still would confess 2 wife if I knew I wouldn't get caught its radical honesty & I was stupid.
"total transparency?" What is that supposed to mean? Were you transparent when you used someone's phone to call your girlfriend?
Thats why I feel so stupid I also ended contacting ow on my own after the realization.
You didn't end contact though. You just contacted her to warn her about the exposure. And I would like to know what your sleazy girlfriend told her family about those letters? How did she spin this to them?
No I wasn't transparent that's why Im here & admit 2 stupidity,transparent in phone pass words e-mails etc.
Yes I m remorseful I still would confess 2 wife if I knew I wouldn't get caught its radical honesty & I was stupid.
I'm sorry but if you had radical honesty in the first place your A never would have taken place.
I don't think u r a dumb women. when I was referring 2 changes I made Alot had 2 do with myself & how I was treating my wife.I do realize what I did 2 my wife & how serious this is that's why I'm here asking 4 so help/guidance.
I have just finished reading your BW's entire thread. I have to say, this is about as cruel as it gets. And I am very worried for your BW's long term health and well-being after what she has endured.
Do you realize how devastating an affair is to a BS? Never mind a LONG TERM affair??? Dr Harley recommends a BW goes into a separation after a couple of weeks of an active affair because she can experience long term problems with her immune system due to the stress.
You did this to her for 13 YEARS and then you tricked her into a false recovery for MONTHS.
To add insult to injury, while your BW is on the ground bleeding from her injuries YOU INFLICTED on her, you walked right up to her and stabbed her again - by calling the OW.
At this moment, there isn't much I don't think you would do to protect this POSOW at the expense of your wife's suffering. You haven't said ANYTHING that leads me to believe you would actually put her first before this POSOW that cares nothing for your family.
My heart is broken for your BW. And I am more concerned about her health than your M at this point.
U R right I broke the nc rule & 4 no reason that's totally unacceptable I owning up 2 my stupidity & would like so guidance as where do I go from here other than the obvious
Yes I know I just learned radical honest recently.
No I wasn't transparent that's why Im here & admit 2 stupidity,transparent in phone pass words e-mails etc.
No, no, no, you were not "stupid," you were shrewd and sneaky. There is nothing stupid here.
What did your creepy girlfriend tell her family about your wife's exposure letters? Be honest, please.
Yes I agree Ive made many mistakes I am truly remorseful I really want things 2 go well 4 us, So Im here looking 4 some guidance on what 2 do nxt.This is suppose 2 be a marriage builder site?
What did your creepy girlfriend tell her family about your wife's exposure letters? Be honest, please.
You haven't answered this question yet?
I don't know, I did not speak 2 her I only left a message of her getting exposed.On a voice mail
Yes I agree Ive made many mistakes I am truly remorseful I really want things 2 go well 4 us, So Im here looking 4 some guidance on what 2 do nxt.This is suppose 2 be a marriage builder site?
Yes, and we build marriages here by being HONEST. Not by pretending to be "dumb" and "stupid" when we are really wily as an old fox. And not by proclaiming to have "changed" when your victim is on the floor bleeding to death from your knifing.
Crying crocodile tears of fake "remorse" will not suffice. What will work is some HONESTY coupled with ACTIONS. Talk is cheap around here so we need to see some action.
What will stop you from going to work tomorrow and calling your girlfriend on someone's cell phone?
And I will ask again, what story did your girlfriend tell her family about the exposure letters?
Not wanting 2 play any games this is very serious. I agree with honesty & actions. But I have made many changes. Wearing a voice activated recorder is a start as far as going 2 work.Don't know what x-girlfriend told her family i didn't speak 2 her & I'm not going 2.
But I have made many changes.
What did you "change?" Your socks?
Because you sure didn't "change" your sneaky, cruel behavior.
You just contacted the OW so excuse us if those "changes" are not very credible. You have been in touch with her the whole time. You lied to your wife about ending contact, wrote out a lying no contact letter, and then went behind her back and contacted the OW.
DM,
First, I wanna tell you straight-up: I'm not a better man than you. I just got caught earlier than you did. So don't think I'm talking down at ya.
It took a while for lots of things to sink in for me, to the point where I could understand some things the way they felt to my wife (as opposed to the way they felt to me).
Something I learned more slowly than I should've is, one thing about getting your marriage past an affair is that your wife wants to feel like the other woman is as good as gone from the galaxy. And gone from your thoughts.
Almost nothing is as scary to her, or to any betrayed spouse, as the division of loyalties that became apparent when you called the OW to warn her about exposure.
The marriage can't heal until that bifurcation of loyalties no longer exists.
Why'd you do it? Why'd you make that call?
Don't know what x-girlfriend told her family i didn't speak 2 her & I'm not going 2.
Well, we don't know if you spoke to her, but we do know you cared enough to give her a heads up so she spun the story to her family. How about offering to write a letter admitting your affair [with your phone #] and sending that to her family members? That would compensate for the lies that skanky told her family about your wife.
Yes Ive made many stupid unacceptable mistakes yes I lied & I'm acknowledging them, earlier I wrote of the changes I made since d day maybe its not enough there's all ways room 4 more.Especially if the changes Ive made aren't good enough.
By the way, it wasn't just a rhetorical question that I asked there; we need to get into this & get at your motives: Why'd you make that call, DM?
Yes Ive made many stupid unacceptable mistakes yes I lied & I'm acknowledging them, earlier I wrote of the changes I made since d day maybe its not enough there's all ways room 4 more.Especially if the changes Ive made aren't good enough.
If a man beat up his wife and she was lying on the floor bleeding from a fresh beating would you believe him if he said he had "changed?" Maybe he changed his socks, but if he doesn't "change" his wife beating is he any good?
Why'd you do it? Why'd you make that call?
your absolutely right with the rest of u r letter there was so much I learned from mb since we started I honestly was so stupid we both agree we both were stupid we were affairs looking 4 place 2 happen. as far as why I did it honestly I never intended 2 hurt anyone with my behavior I honestly still don't want 2 hurt anyone. Especially my wife, I had no idea affairs could be so devastating.back 2 that question I tried soul searching & I don't have a valid reason other than a habit/didn't want 2 keep hurting people. I just want 2 get on with building a new relationship with my wife & stop wallowing in the past that cant be changed & put all that negative energy 2 positive new relationship.
I do realize what I did 2 my wife & how serious this is
I somehow doubt that or you wouldn't have been dumb and thoughtless by maintaining contact with POSOW.
that's why I'm here asking 4 so help/guidance.
If you have been in contact with OW in person or in other ways your wife does not know of yet, you best puke it up to your BW NOW. To still try and cover your a$$, while she saves money for a polygraph only to get clobbered by more lies, would be ROYALLY effed up and plain SICK after all you have put her through. I don't believe you ended a 12 yr affair with a skank that still lives close by. POSOW could have easily driven to you since Dday1.
If there is more to tell and you have ANY hope of saving your marriage, confess whatever other garbage there is to tell...PRONTO!!
U R absolutely right we have 2 change (I don't like change,change is hard)I told my wife we must change, we both agreed we treated each other so horribly in the past we were walking affairs looking 4 a place 2 happen,we decided that if there was any hope even the smallest hope in either one of us that we need 2 try 2 work on a new relationship, we both agreed that change isn't going 2 be easy their is going 2 be some bumps & bruises along the way, no one is infallible, mistakes are going 2 happen, as long as their is hope or willingness 2 try we want 2 try, that's why we found MB so helpful & hopeful
I don't think u r a dumb women. when I was referring 2 changes I made Alot had 2 do with myself & how I was treating my wife.I do realize what I did 2 my wife & how serious this is that's why I'm here asking 4 so help/guidance.
Can you spell as an adult?
Hard to take an adult seriously that writes as a teen.
I meant I taking this really seriously I didn't realize how serious this situation is that why the screen name.Yes U R right about fessing up if their is anymore garbage & I take this seriously,I happy 2 report their isn't anything 2 fess up 2.
yes I agree I can only use one hand lost some fingers on the other take me time 2 type anything I can use 2 save time sorry.
Why'd you do it? Why'd you make that call?
your absolutely right with the rest of u r letter there was so much I learned from mb since we started I honestly was so stupid we both agree we both were stupid we were affairs looking 4 place 2 happen. as far as why I did it honestly I never intended 2 hurt anyone with my behavior I honestly still don't want 2 hurt anyone. Especially my wife, I had no idea affairs could be so devastating.back 2 that question I tried soul searching &
I don't have a valid reason other than a habit/didn't want 2 keep hurting people. I just want 2 get on with building a new relationship with my wife & stop wallowing in the past that cant be changed & put all that negative energy 2 positive new relationship.
What you mean is you choose to protect the OW at the expense of your BW. You get that, right??
How about offering to write a letter admitting your affair [with your phone #] and sending that to her family members? That would compensate for the lies that skanky told her family about your wife.
I agree this would be a wonderful first step to compensate for the lies that the OW told her family about your BW.
What do you say? Will you do this?
Yes I agree 2 give phone # don't understand why I change my # then give it back 2 them!OK thanx 2 all that tried 2 help especially Melony Im leaving tomorrow headed 4 divorce moving out
I don't know how 2 respectfully respond I came here 4 help I don't feel that I have any support I think I If I posted on Craigs list I would have gotten some support or stood outside the grocery store with a bill board that said Im a cheating spouse someone would come up 2 me & offered something of compassion instead I'm disappointed in this sight my wife & I valued so much so I guess again I'm on my own I don't see how 30 min on a computer qualifies any one 2 tell my life storey
You spent less than 5 hours on this forum and gave up.
Are you submitting a letter on behalf of your Wife to be sent to the OW's contacts that were exposed to, so that they can get the true reality of the affair and decimation of your family so that your W will not have to be touted as some crazy psycho who fabricated the events, contrary to what your OW has inevitably spun a ludicrous story about her.
Your W deserves to be exonerated from the betrayal that was further compounded by you notifying the OW in advance.
Will you be doing that immediately and allow her to see the version to be sent out prior to you sending it out?
LTL
We do support your marriage, sir. Very much.
We have offered your betrayed wife a great deal of compassion. MB has a plan that you both must follow in order to recover from an affair.
The first step is no contact for life with the OW. Dr. Harley often recommends moving far away from the site of an affair.
An affair is an addiction. Many of the same chemical reactions take place during an affair that also occur in drug addictions and alcoholism. The way to break an addiction is remove the source of the addiction for the rest of your life.
The first step is to establish no contact with OW for the rest of your life. And you will need to do whatever it takes to ensure that there is no way you can contact her or she can contact you.
Can you do this?
You want compassion???
OMG!!! Are you completely devoid of ANY empathy for what you have put your own W through?
You received support to finally be honest.
You are familiar with No Contact for life with the source of your addiction, which is your affair partner.
You promised NC, then quickly broke that promise.
How can you attempt to offer Just Compensation to your W?
Will your W be able to view your friends cell phone call log?
Will you be sending the letter with your W's approval to validate that she has been traumatized by ongoing lies and betrayal and that the people who got the spun version from your affair partner when you warned her in advance?
A truly repentant man would not be thinking one iota of any compassion he thought he deserved, but would conversely suck it up and do Anything and Everything possible to make up for emotionally raping his traumatized Wife.
That is support to attempt to heal your marriage and beginning to try to heal your W.
Which type of man do you choose to become?
LTL
You spent less than 5 hours on this forum and gave up.
Are you submitting a letter on behalf of your Wife to be sent to the OW's contacts that were exposed to, so that they can get the true reality of the affair and decimation of your family so that your W will not have to be touted as some crazy psycho who fabricated the events, contrary to what your OW has inevitably spun a ludicrous story about her.
LTL
yes I will fashion a letter, thank u 4 some direction/guidance I'm new 2 the board & looking 4 help.I guess I'm just having a hissy fit, thank u 4 u r response.
That's a start.
There will be so much more from the more well versed vets.
They are Not 1/2 hour pseudo, self proclaimed experts, yet they are stringent in following the best path for recovering a marriage as proven to have a very positive outcome for marital resuscitation, even ones on life support and nearly flat-lined.
The path for True Recovery is very narrow and Must be followed precisely, otherwise more useless suffering will go on and on.
Are you willing to follow the lead provided?
These folks are very good at adhering to Dr. Harleys plan for recovery. Even if/when someone steps outside of the box and suggests steps that do not adhere to Dr. Harleys plan, they will be called out for erroneous information, which can occur when they feel like they are talking to a brick wall.
LTL
yes I agree, thank u I do appreciate everything u done 2 support my wife. yes an affair is an addiction I'm addressing that, YES i CAN DO THIS. wanting & willing Thank u 4 acknowledgement that I'm still a person
Get some sleep and now You think about how else that You can provide the beginnings of providing Extra, Extra-Ordinary Precautions to eliminate any relapse into being drawn into making ANY contact with this OW and how to ensure that You will Affair Proof your side of the marriage.
Think what Your Wife would need.
LTL
yes I want 2 heal my wife trying 2 give her empathy & compassion I acknowledge that this is an addiction yes I'm willing 2 have no contact & I will do this
7v
7
I suggest you go to your wife and tell her you are willing to have a lie detevtor test every 3 months, wiyh questions she chooses, until she feels safe.
You spent less than 5 hours on this forum and gave up.
Are you submitting a letter on behalf of your Wife to be sent to the OW's contacts that were exposed to, so that they can get the true reality of the affair and decimation of your family so that your W will not have to be touted as some crazy psycho who fabricated the events, contrary to what your OW has inevitably spun a ludicrous story about her.
LTL
yes I will fashion a letter, thank u 4 some direction/guidance I'm new 2 the board & looking 4 help.I guess I'm just having a hissy fit, thank u 4 u r response.
Words are VERY cheap and meaningless from someone who has led a secret second life, especially for an extended period of time and then topped off with alerting the OW so that she could divert the exposure.
Show your intent with regular safe Actions.
LTL
I got up early to see what you had said since last night. I see you've already thrown in the towel once because nobody is showing you "compassion". I am disgusted, but not surprised.
Let's hope that when YOU get up your attitude is different.
Why'd you do it? Why'd you make that call?
your absolutely right with the rest of u r letter there was so much I learned from mb since we started I honestly was so stupid we both agree we both were stupid we were affairs looking 4 place 2 happen. as far as why I did it honestly I never intended 2 hurt anyone with my behavior I honestly still don't want 2 hurt anyone. Especially my wife, I had no idea affairs could be so devastating.back 2 that question I tried soul searching & I don't have a valid reason other than a habit/didn't want 2 keep hurting people. I just want 2 get on with building a new relationship with my wife & stop wallowing in the past that cant be changed & put all that negative energy 2 positive new relationship.
DM, you've been shown plenty of compassion on this site. Perfect strangers have been willing to help you see the gaps in your thinking, and to try to help you save your marriage. We're not doing it for money, and we're not doing it for your thanks. You've gotten what you say you came for: sound advice.
Encapsulated,
if you want to stop hurting your wife, then you must change your 12-year habit of having a secret second life with the other woman.
If you want to stop hurting your wife, then you must show your wife that your loyalty is first, foremost & only to her.
If you want to stop wallowing in the past, then you must create a present & future in which your wife can feel safe that the other woman is out of your thoughts & out of your mind forever.
32 years ago, you promised to put BlindSighted first, "forsaking all others."
If you want compassion, it's waiting to be had, from the person who ought to matter most to you -- but you need to earn it through how you conduct yourself from this day forward.
I don't know how 2 respectfully respond I came here 4 help I don't feel that I have any support I think I If I posted on Craigs list I would have gotten some support or stood outside the grocery store with a bill board that said Im a cheating spouse someone would come up 2 me & offered something of compassion instead I'm disappointed in this sight my wife & I valued so much so I guess again I'm on my own I don't see how 30 min on a computer qualifies any one 2 tell my life storey
DM, I am by no means a "vet", I am a FWS, my BH and I are only 6 months into our recovery, I can tell you at times I felt like i was being clubbed by 2x4's here, I can tell you that I was defensive and angry, there were questions I didn't like being asked and answers I didn't like giving, I needed to get over myself and you do to.
On this forum, you will be made accountable for your actions, you will be forced to think about them and the consequences there of. The people on the forum want to help you and your BS by creating a marriage that will be better than ever. It will not be easy, but what you and I and all WW's have done is the worst betrayal imaginable, so to expect this journey to be easy isn;t an option and at the end of the day nothing worth fighting for is right?
yes I agree I can only use one hand lost some fingers on the other take me time 2 type anything I can use 2 save time sorry.
There are many people without key boarding skills that type with two fingers. They get by with just their two index fingers. And I have seen many go pretty fast just using those two fingers.
Your key boarding choices and excuses you use is the same bad mind set that you are using to make excuses for your affair and actions since D day.
yes I will fashion a letter,
Good. Please post your letter here for feedback.
yes I will fashion a letter,
Good. Please post your letter here for feedback.
That is an excellent suggestion for you DM.
Let's see what You come up with PRIOR to it being sent.
This should be done without hesitation.
The longer you sit on inaction, the less sincere your thinking is.
Remember, ACTIONS, Not Words. Talk is cheap.
LTL
DM, I would suggest sending the email to the same people your wife informed and doing it today so she can be assured you do not warn skanky again. I would word it something like this:
Dear Family member of Skanky,
You received a letter on October 25th from my wife, Blindsided2013. I am sorry to admit that her email was true. I have been having an affair with Skanky for 12 years and have been in contact with her as recently as this week. I called her to warn her that my wife discovered our affair and would be exposing it to her family.
I want to publicly apologize to my wife for this cruel indulgence and promise to never have any future contact with Skanky. I love my wife and will do everything to make it up to her.
Thank you, WilyGuy
Why'd you do it? Why'd you make that call?
your absolutely right with the rest of u r letter there was so much I learned from mb since we started I honestly was so stupid we both agree we both were stupid we were affairs looking 4 place 2 happen. as far as why I did it honestly I never intended 2 hurt anyone with my behavior I honestly still don't want 2 hurt anyone. Especially my wife, I had no idea affairs could be so devastating.back 2 that question I tried soul searching & I don't have a valid reason other than a habit/didn't want 2 keep hurting people. I just want 2 get on with building a new relationship with my wife & stop wallowing in the past that cant be changed & put all that negative energy 2 positive new relationship.
DM, I'll save you from typing for a bit. (I know it's hard, I have a tendonitis issue in my throwing arm, and when it flares up, typing's a [censored], and I can't imagine doing it with a couple of short or missing digits on my hand.)
Take some time to read what I'm about to tell you. Read it two or three times if you need to. (By the way, I'm not yellin' at ya here. Think of it as me whispering to you, over a cup of coffee, or even a shot of bourbon if necessary. )
Listen up:
In your half-answer there yesterday, you circled around closer to the core truth, but you didn't quite get right to the center of it. Let me break it down for you a little more, to see if it helps clarify things for you:
You said you didn't want to keep hurting people.
Let's be honest, with no purpose of evasion, OK? By saying you didn't want to keep hurting "other people," you meant that you didn't want to stir up pain for the other woman.
Unless & until you can admit this to yourself & to your wife, then things'll never get fixed. You'll never get fixed. I repeat what I told you yesterday: NOTHING on earth scares your wife more than the realization that you still care for the other woman.
By this, I mean "care" in terms of being concerned about her feelings, and "care" in terms of taking actions to demonstrate that concern. You like caring for the other woman. You want her to notice that you still care for her. You want to be held in her esteem, because of what that esteem does for your ego.
And that needs to stop if you are to have any prayer of being the husband you once promised to be & reawakening in your wife any desire to be for you the wife she once promised to be.
That's why people aren't letting you off the hook by accepting that you were "dumb." No, it was worse than that. You were worse than dumb. You were what all unfaithful spouses are -- exactly what I was: You were selfish. We wanted that ego shot. We were willing to completely disconsider our spouses' feelings in order to get it. Not dumb (because, after all, you knew exactly what you were doing & why), but selfish (because you went & did it anyway).
Now, on this site, I sometimes refer to my affair "the stupidest thing I ever did." But when I say that, it's shorthand. To be precise, it was the most inconsiderate, self-centered, selfish thing I ever did.
The way you quit caring for the other woman is, you stop being in touch with her. You stop thinking about her. If you find yourself thinking about her & how nice she was to you, you need to flip that around and remember, every time, that the other woman was perfectly willing to coldcock your wife from a blind alley, cut up her face, steal her purse & leave her bleeding on the pavement in order to get what she wanted from you. Simply put, your other woman was a thug in how she treated your wife. A 100%, total thug, equivalent to any ruthless gangster whom you might find in solitary confinement serving two life sentences. That's the mental image you need to see each & every time you think of the other woman. And it shouldn't be very hard for you to conjure that image up, because it's not making the other woman out to be worse than she was; rather, it's simply being willing to see the other side of the other woman's reality that you have been willfully choosing to ignore whenever you've chosen to view her only in a positive light. It's like that chick on the old anti-smoking commercials who had a nice voice & nice hair & who looked really hot from behind -- and then she turned around & you could see that her face was half-eaten-away by smoking-related cancer. Morally-speaking, your other woman is every bit as disfigured as that. (So were you, morally-speaking; but you can still fix yourself, or choose not to fix yourself...)
Fixing yourself & fixing your marriage is a big job. A huge job. It can be done, but not if you waste time on distractions. So how & why would you ever want to waste another moment of your scarce time caring for that morally bankrupt other woman? It isn't any of your damned business to care for her, and it never was your business. Your business now is to care for your wife. If that means more exposure, and if that exposure leads to aggravation for the other woman, that's her tough crap -- it's the consequences of her own choices. It's none of your business, and never was.
That's all for you to ponder, DM, for your benefit. Please take it in that spirit.
Want 2 thank every one 4 helping me last nite,Yes this is very difficult. I felt ganged up on last nite & ATTACKED.I expressed this 2 my wife this morning & that I was a little angry with the support/responses I received, she suggested we re read the responses 2 see why I felt attacked.
She was rite I wasn't attacked in a bad way,the responses were in a positive way & I agree my responses sound like a wayward spouse ignoring the issues @ hand, this lead us 2 a radical honesty discussion & I did confess everything that I possibly could yes I was gas lighting yes I wasn't totally honest so now I went over the affair leaving nothing out & answered any & all questions my wife could think of.And it really does felt so much better being radically honest.
I admitted to my wife that my physical affair had not stopped & was active till d-day (including d-day) & that it wasn't just emotional at the end as I previously described. Yes her children did know that I was married, I imagine she probably made some excuses to her children about being exposed.I have not read all of the posts yet my wife made us lunch I will be back later.
Thanks to all 4 caring.
DM, I would suggest sending the email to the same people your wife informed and doing it today so she can be assured you do not warn skanky again. I would word it something like this:
Dear Family member of Skanky,
You received a letter on October 25th from my wife, Blindsided2013. I am sorry to admit that her email was true. I have been having an affair with Skanky for 12 years and have been in contact with her as recently as this week. I called her to warn her that my wife discovered our affair and would be exposing it to her family.
I want to publicly apologize to my wife for this cruel indulgence and promise to never have any future contact with Skanky. I love my wife and will do everything to make it up to her.
Thank you, WilyGuy
Are YOU going to follow this compassionate suggestion that ML took the time to prepare a template for you to follow..... TODAY???
LTL
Want 2 thank every one 4 helping me last nite,Yes this is very difficult. I felt ganged up on last nite & ATTACKED.I expressed this 2 my wife this morning & that I was a little angry with the support/responses I received, she suggested we re read the responses 2 see why I felt attacked.
She was rite I wasn't attacked in a bad way,the responses were in a positive way & I agree my responses sound like a wayward spouse ignoring the issues @ hand, this lead us 2 a radical honesty discussion & I did confess everything that I possibly could yes I was gas lighting yes I wasn't totally honest so now I went over the affair leaving nothing out & answered any & all questions my wife could think of.And it really does felt so much better being radically honest.
I admitted to my wife that my physical affair had not stopped & was active till d-day (including d-day) & that it wasn't just emotional at the end as I previously described. Yes her children did know that I was married, I imagine she probably made some excuses to her children about being exposed.I have not read all of the posts yet my wife made us lunch I will be back later.
Thanks to all 4 caring.
I care desperately about her, and that's why I will post to try and help you.
It's interesting that you put ATTACKED in capital letters and focused on that in the first sentence in your post. I sense that you still really want to lay into us for "attacking" you despite claiming to see that we did no such thing - we called you on your bull crap - otherwise why mention it at all?
Is this all about you, or about your wife?
If you feel attacked by some posts on a forum, imagine how your wife feels about your 12-year affair.
very well said,
thank u.
DM
very well said,
thank u.
DM
You are big boy and can handle being "attacked." My concern is your wife. She is the victim here, not you.
Now, what did you think about my suggestion to send skanky's family an email telling them your wife was telling the truth?
It's interesting that you put ATTACKED in capital letters and focused on that in the first sentence in your post. I sense that you still really want to lay into us for "attacking" you despite claiming to see that we did no such thing - we called you on your bull crap - otherwise why mention it at all?
Is this all about you, or about your wife?
If you feel attacked by some posts on a forum, imagine how your wife feels about your 12-year affair.
No I really don't want 2 lay into anyone. I sincerely want 2 be honest & thank every one. Yes I guess I did feel attacked but I think I really needed it.This is about my wife (both of us) I want protect & provide for my wife & be the man I was when we first got married.
When will you write the letter and post it here to be reviewed to eliminate and catch any Foggy apologies to the OW?
The clock is still ticking.
LTL
DM, I'll save you from typing for a bit. (I know it's hard, I have a tendonitis issue in my throwing arm, and when it flares up, typing's a [censored], and I can't imagine doing it with a couple of short or missing digits on my hand.)
Take some time to read what I'm about to tell you. Read it two or three times if you need to. (By the way, I'm not yellin' at ya here. Think of it as me whispering to you, over a cup of coffee, or even a shot of bourbon if necessary. )
Listen up:
In your half-answer there yesterday, you circled around closer to the core truth, but you didn't quite get right to the center of it. Let me break it down for you a little more, to see if it helps clarify things for you:
You said you didn't want to keep hurting people.
Let's be honest, with no purpose of evasion, OK? By saying you didn't want to keep hurting "other people," you meant that you didn't want to stir up pain for the other woman.
Unless & until you can admit this to yourself & to your wife, then things'll never get fixed. You'll never get fixed. I repeat what I told you yesterday: NOTHING on earth scares your wife more than the realization that you still care for the other woman.
By this, I mean "care" in terms of being concerned about her feelings, and "care" in terms of taking actions to demonstrate that concern. You like caring for the other woman. You want her to notice that you still care for her. You want to be held in her esteem, because of what that esteem does for your ego.
And that needs to stop if you are to have any prayer of being the husband you once promised to be & reawakening in your wife any desire to be for you the wife she once promised to be.
That's why people aren't letting you off the hook by accepting that you were "dumb." No, it was worse than that. You were worse than dumb. You were what all unfaithful spouses are -- exactly what I was: You were selfish. We wanted that ego shot. We were willing to completely disconsider our spouses' feelings in order to get it. Not dumb (because, after all, you knew exactly what you were doing & why), but selfish (because you went & did it anyway).
Now, on this site, I sometimes refer to my affair "the stupidest thing I ever did." But when I say that, it's shorthand. To be precise, it was the most inconsiderate, self-centered, selfish thing I ever did.
The way you quit caring for the other woman is, you stop being in touch with her. You stop thinking about her. If you find yourself thinking about her & how nice she was to you, you need to flip that around and remember, every time, that the other woman was perfectly willing to coldcock your wife from a blind alley, cut up her face, steal her purse & leave her bleeding on the pavement in order to get what she wanted from you. Simply put, your other woman was a thug in how she treated your wife. A 100%, total thug, equivalent to any ruthless gangster whom you might find in solitary confinement serving two life sentences. That's the mental image you need to see each & every time you think of the other woman. And it shouldn't be very hard for you to conjure that image up, because it's not making the other woman out to be worse than she was; rather, it's simply being willing to see the other side of the other woman's reality that you have been willfully choosing to ignore whenever you've chosen to view her only in a positive light. It's like that chick on the old anti-smoking commercials who had a nice voice & nice hair & who looked really hot from behind -- and then she turned around & you could see that her face was half-eaten-away by smoking-related cancer. Morally-speaking, your other woman is every bit as disfigured as that. (So were you, morally-speaking; but you can still fix yourself, or choose not to fix yourself...)
Fixing yourself & fixing your marriage is a big job. A huge job. It can be done, but not if you waste time on distractions. So how & why would you ever want to waste another moment of your scarce time caring for that morally bankrupt other woman? It isn't any of your damned business to care for her, and it never was your business. Your business now is to care for your wife. If that means more exposure, and if that exposure leads to aggravation for the other woman, that's her tough crap -- it's the consequences of her own choices. It's none of your business, and never was.
That's all for you to ponder, DM, for your benefit. Please take it in that spirit.
[/color]
Yes U defiantly make some valid points,yes I really was totally selfish, inconsiderate, self centered thing Ive done also, & I really do want 2 go on with the healing process.
Have you written that 5 minute or less letter yet?
Also, will you verify that the use of your friends cell phone was only a short voice mail message by bringing your W to view your friends cell phone log?
It's still time for ACTION, not words.
The clock is ticking still.
LTL
This guy isn't serious he's just trying to avoid divorce for reasons other than marriage. Classic case of giving the BS what they want to appease him/her and afterwards maintain the status quo, cake eating
please drop the idea that you and your BW have been so unhappy for years and were just ripe for an affair. if she was unhappy, it was because you WERE (and are?) having an affair for over a decade! and if you were unhappy with her during that same period it's because you WERE (and are?) having an affair for over a decade.
your bw is a better woman than i. if you were my WH you'd be sitting on the curb right now with a couple of suitcases.
I meant I taking this really seriously I didn't realize how serious this situation is that why the screen name.Yes U R right about fessing up if their is anymore garbage & I take this seriously,I happy 2 report their isn't anything 2 fess up 2.
And then today:
"I admitted to my wife that my physical affair had not stopped & was active till d-day (including d-day) & that it wasn't just emotional at the end as I previously described."
Go schedule a polygraph ASAP. Don't be lazy and wait for your BW to do it. You had time to chase after skank for years, you can get off your butt and do this FOR HER!! And you can also look into a post-nup too while you are at it.
Have you written that 5 minute or less letter yet?
Also, will you verify that the use of your friends cell phone was only a short voice mail message by bringing your W to view your friends cell phone log?
It's still time for ACTION, not words.
The clock is ticking still.
LTL
sorry 4 not getting back so soon, yes I wrote a letter, Ive been in heavy communication with my wife all day with the exception of 1 hr 2 do some chores on the house, yes I will try 2 find the person phone that I used 2 verify his call log
Did you email the letter that Melody posted to family and friends?
Trying 2 provide & protect 4 my wife after last weeks stupid stunt I pulled off contacting ow by borrowing a cell phone from a co worker 2 warn ow about an exposure letter my wife was sending I just cant effed believe I did this, this is so unacceptable , Im typing this & as I read it, I think this is the most stupid thing Ive done than the affair itself.
Anyway my wife is so upset ( understandably )shes not comfortable with me going 2 work tomorrow or ever again. I have been empathy & reassuring this week end,& we really cant afford 4 me 2 take off work as I took off a day last week after dday number 2,anything anyone can help with?
What should I do? We do? I want to provide for my wife but I won't ever be able to provide for her if I qquit work.
Anyway my wife is so upset ( understandably )shes not comfortable with me going 2 work tomorrow or ever again.
Then...quit your job. Tell your boss why you can no longer work there. Let him know that your marriage is more important than any job.
Show your intent with regular safe Actions.
LTL
Can u help me to know about safe actions? Do u mean safe boundaries? EPs? I know shes not feeling safe & I really do want 2 make her feel safe & protected, any suggestions?
Yes I hand wrote the letters & are ready 2 mail, my wife is not so sure she wants 2 mail ,but they are ready if she chooses 2.
Then...quit your job. Tell your boss why you can no longer work there. Let him know that your marriage is more important than any job. [/quote]Yes that sounds good but how can I provide 4 her without employment, jobs aren't that easy 2 get these days especially @ my age. Plus my wife had cancer little over a year ago & we need 2 keep our hospitalization.
Im open 2 suggestions, my boss is my brother in law he offered 2 hire another person 2 watch over me @ work.I want 2 go 2 work tomorrow & my wife suggested I post on here & ask what all of u think.
You should of thought of all those things before you had a affair. Do what will make your wife feel safe. Are you familiar with just compensation?
It grates on my nerves everytime you say you were "stupid"
stu�pid
[stoo-pid, styoo‐] , stu�pid�er, stu�pid�est, noun
adjective
1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.
3. tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.
4. annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.
5. in a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue.
Might I suggest "Inconsiderate", "Selfish", or "Cruel". I think those fit your actions MUCH better.
in�con�sid�er�ate
[in-kuhn-sid-er-it]
adjective
1. without due regard for the rights or feelings of others: It was inconsiderate of him to keep us waiting.
2. acting without consideration; thoughtless; heedless.
3. overhasty; rash; ill-considered: slovenly, inconsiderate reasoning.
self�ish
[sel-fish] Show IPA
adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.
cru�el
[kroo-uhl]
adjective, cru�el�er, cru�el�est.
1. willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2. enjoying the pain or distress of others: the cruel spectators of the gladiatorial contests.
3. causing or marked by great pain or distress: a cruel remark; a cruel affliction.
4. rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.
(I THINK YOU SHOULD USE ALL 3)
okay thank u 4 u r reply I do agree with everything u pointed out I admit that I was selfish,inconsiderate & cruel. I disagree with enjoyment of causing pain, I never wanted 2 hurt anyone I was just selfish etc. etc. trying 2 get my needs met. I take this very seriously I'm owing up 2 my selfish/inconsiderate/etc,etc behavior & poor decisions. trying 2 make some sense of all this ,trying 2 build a new marriage. Thats y I'm here looking 4 help/guidance.
okay thank u 4 u r reply I do agree with everything u pointed out I admit that I was selfish,inconsiderate & cruel. I disagree with enjoyment of causing pain, I never wanted 2 hurt anyone I was just selfish etc. etc. trying 2 get my needs met. I take this very seriously I'm owing up 2 my selfish/inconsiderate/etc,etc behavior & poor decisions. trying 2 make some sense of all this ,trying 2 build a new marriage. Thats y I'm here looking 4 help/guidance.
DM, I know you mentioned that you're missing some digits. So, how come you can type out "inconsiderate" and can't seem to type out "two"?
I'm not being anal. I am questioning whether you are committed to taking the time to talk to us.
My wife showed me how to use voice commands so hopefully this will be easier to read.
Today I called my mother and explained my continued affair after I was exposed &
breeched the no contact agreement with ow , I took off work today 2 honor my
wife & reassure her that I want 2 work on our relationship.
we discussed what I
could do to reassure her of me working and being away from her . Her brother was
very accommodating to us that I would not be alone all day and he would have
someone with me at all times so I didn't have any possibility for contact to the
other woman .her brother owns company,I am working for him and he's trying to
accommodate me not being alone so that I don't contact the other woman,
I also tried to reassure my wife all day and we spent all day together and I know now that I need to convey more feelings to her. We also tried to poja and brainstorm on how to make her feel safe and reassure honesty and empathy.
any
other ideas are very welcome.
Much better! It sounds like you are both on the right track, headed in the right direction. I understand she has contacted Dr Harley with some questions so I hope you hear back soon.
Thank your wife, sir, for directing you on responding to us. Mr. Bliss is computer illiterate as you seem to be, so I'm going to give you a pass
How is it possible 2 be in luv with 2 women @ the same time? How is it that that u can compartmentalize 2 relationships & live with u r self ,does anyone recognize these systems.? Is it possible 2 luv one women & get u r physical needs met from another, & luv the other women?
How is it possible 2 be in luv with 2 women @ the same time?
I would avoid saying things like this. When you withdraw from the high of the OW you won't feel the same way. It is hurtful and sickening to your wife and causes huge lovebank withdrawals. I don't think you can afford to erode her love for you anymore than you already have.
No one wants to hear how much you loved that skank. Really. It is revolting. Affairs are disgusting and putrid to objective observers.
The OW has brought you nothing but shame and degradation. She has almost destroyed your marriage and has certainly destroyed your reputation. Your affair with her was the worst mistake of your life. You might not see that now because you are still high on the CRACK, but when you come down off that high, you will see how revolting it looks to those who are not high.
Yes U R rite thank U 4 putting it in perspective I did alot of soul searching & i realize that I sincerely do love my wife very deeply & I want 2 have the biggest & best marriage ever I also want 2 thank u personally 4 helping us.:)
How is it possible 2 be in luv with 2 women @ the same time? How is it that that u can compartmentalize 2 relationships & live with u r self ,does anyone recognize these systems.? Is it possible 2 luv one women & get u r physical needs met from another, & luv the other women?
Excuse me while I
Seriously dude, your BW is over in the corner bleeding from 12 years of lies and deceit and you are sitting here trying to figure why you "luv two women at the same time".
Good grief man, you are still just saying words and still more concerned with your pain verses what you have put your wife through.
12 years. You should feel lucky if she gives you 12 more hours of her time.
What sort of JC have you planned to give her? So far I see just words.
replies coming i'm using my voice control
Melody Lane I am so sorry for my postings I was just bringing up that my wife thinks that I love the OW, I don't feel that way I want to fix my
relationship with my wife and I came on on the site to help me. I'm a little mistrusting about throwing my feelings on the floor. Dr harley says that it is possible to love two women. I am doing soul searching and I don't think that I love OW but why did I keep going back when I love my wife?
DM, the reason you went back to OW is because you are addicted to her. You "loved" her in the same way a crack head loves crack. Once you really cut her out of your life - sober up - you will see her in a different light.
yes u r rite I do agree with what U R saying. Yes that is an addiction ? she did make me feel comfortable and met my needs, I just wanted 2 ask that question as 2 what u r explanation is. look u want 2 know if im a real person & I also want 2 know if U R real person, I
U also follow up U R posts with scrips from the bible I honer that & I am catholic, I really need help in my relationship , I dont have anywhere 2 turn, I want U R help.
DM, you are in the right place to get the help you need. Your wife has also sent an email to Dr Harley and he will speak to you both and give you guidance.
The most important thing right now is to stay out of the crackhouse and stay far away from the smell of crack. Do you understand what I mean by that?
yes I think I understand what U mean, I will stay out of the crackhouse & stay away from the smell & I really thank U 4 U R support.
Meiodylane thank u 4 being here 4 us!;)http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/images/icons/default/smile.gif
yes I think I understand what U mean, I will stay out of the crackhouse & stay away from the smell & I really thank U 4 U R support.
You are very welcome, my friend!
U also follow up U R posts with scrips from the bible I honer that & I am catholic, I really need help in my relationship , I dont have anywhere 2 turn, I want U R help.
Hi, DM,
I understand you called your mother recently to confess your affair. I commend you for that. That is one of the most important steps in being an honorable person.
Dr. Harley's position is that it would be great if we had no privacy at all - if everything we did were on a camera and broadcasted to the important people in our life. Then we would be much less likely to engage in reprehensible behavior that hurts other people!
Since you mentioned the Bible, I'll mention what the Bible says about this:
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.
But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
http://biblehub.com/john/3-19.htmhttp://biblehub.com/john/3-20.htmhttp://biblehub.com/john/3-21.htmBy shining the light of public attention onto your dishonorable deeds, you took one of the important steps toward transformation.
There is also this statement:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
http://biblehub.com/james/5-16.htmAfter my experience here at Marriage Builders, I'm extremely convinced of the importance of confessing one's wrongs - primarily to the person who was wronged! But also importantly to the important people in our life, those who have influence over us. Everybody should know to be on the lookout for us!
I heard your call on the show. Your making progress, I hope you see the error in your ways and fix the damage you caused your poor wife. Keep posting here and encourage her to as well.
THANK U 4 the bible verses Markos,they really helped to read them & thank u 4 such a positive response.
This week we went to a difffernt church and had bible study before mass. It really helped me to identify what I am going through.
I am having some thoughts about OW and its difficult to deal with but I believe that is what is withdrawal. I have confided in my wife with my thoughts and feelings. She has helped me immensely.
I am trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of what has happend.
We are reading together Surviving an Affair and it really helps me to put things in perspective as to what I am feeling and going through and putting my wife through. I wish we had these tools years ago before all of this started.
Trying to deal with my feelings can be very difficult because I feel bad about destroying two peoples lives and mine also.
I understand that I was compartmentalizing and now it feels odd that I cannot compartmentalize.
I am feeling guilty that I am having difficulty sharing these feelings with my wife, the feelings of guilt, the feelings of remorse, the feelings of disgust with myself.
it really helps 2 have a support group 2 communicate with, thank you.
I heard your call on the show. Your making progress, I hope you see the error in your ways and fix the damage you caused your poor wife. Keep posting here and encourage her to as well.
Thank you for your support,I'm doing the best I can to support my spouse. My mistakes are hard to face. But through Marriage builders I am working hard to address be honest with myself.
Have you considered taking ADs while you are going through this? They can be immensely helpful by evening out your emotions. My H was on Wellbutrin with no ill side effects at all. They greatly helped. They need only be temporary - a few months.
Please strongly consider going to your doctor for a prescription. Meanwhile, exercise and eat healthy, get enough sleep.
Make sure the time you are spending with your wife are very enjoyable for both of you.
Trying to deal with my feelings can be very difficult because I feel bad about destroying two peoples lives and mine also.
DM, can you clarify what you mean when you say you "destroyed two people's lives?" I know one is your wife, but I am not aware of any other victims here unless you are counting your children. Is the OW married?
I hope you don't mean the OW, because you did not destroy her life. She was your WILLING partner in the rape and assault of your wife. Don't you DARE put that skankhoe in the same category as your wife. Your OW signed up to screw a married man, she is no victim. Your wife did not sign up for this.
Trying to deal with my feelings can be very difficult because I feel bad about destroying two peoples lives and mine also.
DM, can you clarify what you mean when you say you "destroyed two people's lives?" I know one is your wife, but I am not aware of any other victims here unless you are counting your children. Is the OW married?
I hope you don't mean the OW, because you did not destroy her life. She was your WILLING partner in the rape and assault of your wife. Don't you DARE put that skankhoe in the same category as your wife. Your OW signed up to screw a married man, she is no victim. Your wife did not sign up for this.
x2.
Whatever may have happened to POSOW due to exposure is a GOOD THING - it will help her realize that having an A has negative consequences and the accountablility hopefully will keep her from going after another innocent woman's H.
My sisters and I chased down my BIL's skanky OW and confronted her in a gas station parking lot. It wasn't pretty. As far as I am concerned we did her a service. She will probably think twice before sleeping with another woman's H again.
And, DM, I realize you are still de-fogging but you realize that when you make statements such as the one above, looking at the OW as a "victim" is incredibly disrespectful and painful to your BW, right?? It's the same as twisting the knife in her back.
My ex made a statements similar to yours, didn't want me confronting the OW and said something about putting the OW in an "awkward position".
Let me tell you, that was an incredible lovebuster. Your BW's patience for this type of foggy thinking is not going to last. So I hope you STOP it & fast.
thank you so much for posting our show. I am going to listen to it on my phone.
Melody and Susieq,I really appreciate your posts & guidance, I have really been doing a lot of soul searching & spending a lot of time with the church, & my wife, yes I guess Im still in a bit of a fog, every day I wake up I don't accept or believe that my life is real & how could I possibly have done this to my wife ,family & myself,this is like a total nite mare, I still have a difficult time accepting what I have done,my behavior is not acceptable in any way shape or form, every day I look into my wife's eyes & see her empty soul & I caused this,& created such a void in our lives
her unhappiness,Ive devastated her will 2 live, its so heart wrenching I have difficulty getting up in the morning looking at my self in the mirror trying to function @ work without tears running down my face, I find myself texting my wife telling her everything will be all right when im not so sure that it will be,I face my wife's empty soul every min of every day & all I can do is pray,All I want is to be the man she married , I want to do is have the relationship I promised her , its not fair that I gave her this false relationship I created ,she is so much worth more than that, Im at the lowest possible time of my life & I don't know how I could possibly ever make it up 2 my wife of how much I have wronged her & gave her a false sense of security in a relationship for so long that wasn't honest or real on my behalf,what I have done is unexcusable ,unacceptable,& degrading.
I appreciate & want to have a support group to help guide me through my short comings in my life,any advise & suggestions are welcome
What are your wife's top emotional needs, DM? List 'em for us here. I mean it. What are they?
If you don't know what they are, you need to find out.
If you've read "Surviving An Affair" (you said you were reading it), then you know how to find out. If you still haven't read SAA all the way through, then I'm wasting my time.
I'll tell you what she doesn't need: You wallowing in self-pity. Early-on after my affair, I remember at one point, my wife saying, in tears & frustration, really, "I want my confident husband back!" Your wife wants the guy she thought she married, looking after her & being her guy, meeting her needs, delighting in her & grateful to be with her. She doesn't want some broken-up, self-pitying guy who's too carried away in his own self-loathing to lift a finger to do anything for her or to create any sort of spark in her heart.
I don't wanna hear how you feel. That won't help you, & it won't help you help your marriage. I wanna hear what you're doing for your wife. ...all I can do is pray...
P.S. -- Rome wasn't built in a day, and your marriage can't be rebuilt in just a day. Be too busy to have time to be discouraged. Shave faster, don't spend so much time looking into that mirror. It won't look right for a good long time anyway. Occupy yourself with thinking about what you can do for BlindSighted.
my wifes top en's are honesty,sf,affection &conversation. I have also been trying to give her reassurance, safety&protection. To give protection I have been trying to communicate more and be transparent and keeping her safe from triggers by telling her my every move.My wife says I have been doing a good job telling my feelings instead of waiting for her to ask.
We r still reading surving an affair. We work on it 2-3 times each week because we stop &talk about each section. With ua time,sf &recreation &church,work & bible study & meetings with the pastor, we are only 60percent finished.
Im trying to focus on being humble,trying to take charge and be confident with regard to her feelings.I'm giving physical reassurance hugs but I'm open to more ideas.
Im trying to change myself by going to church,being honest with talkng to family&friends,praying all day because I cant do this myself.
I agree this is going to take time.I realize what youre saying and this will take long term work. From what youre saying my focus this week will be with what I can do for my wife.
I agree this is going to take time.I realize what youre saying and this will take long term work. From what youre saying my focus this week will be with what I can do for my wife.
That is good. Less words, more action. The most difficult thing is, to keep it up after the first excitement wears down. That's where you can see the difference between a man and a boy.