I found out about dh's work affair five weeks ago, and because of my own end of making the marriage unhappy, have tried to change and win him back. He has become more and more distant, and has been more and more brazen in seeing her. He maintains that they aren't physical, and only go out in groups. He says he has only stayed with me for the house and dd. I have been told I will only break his trust if I contact the woman, who doesn't know he is married. I have a history of being controlling and manipulative, and this would be seen as further proof that I haven't changed, if I go behind his back. I promised I wouldn't talk to anyone he knows either, after I talked to his mom and he became very angry. It actually made him more brazen after that. He shows no remorse in going out anymore.
BBS, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here.
The first thing you should do is contact the OW and tell her that your husband is married to you. I would expose the affair in a strategic, methodical manner. The reason is because affairs thrive on secrecy and the only way you can save your marriage is kill the affair. Since exposure ruins affairs, it is the fastest method in saving your marriage.
Exposure is the most effective tool in saving your marriage.
Please go read the Exposure thread in my signature for best practices.
I have been told I will only break his trust if I contact the woman, who doesn't know he is married.
After you contact the OW and expose his affair, tell him he can
NEVER EVER trust you to cover up his sleazy, destructive affair for him because you love him too much to be an ENABLER.
I keep reading that, but I'm scared it doesn't apply to my situation. I'm scared I'll make it worse. He doesn't want to be with me, and making him mad isn't going to help with that.
I keep reading that, but I'm scared it doesn't apply to my situation. I'm scared I'll make it worse. He doesn't want to be with me, and making him mad isn't going to help with that.
See, our goal is to save your marriage. Yours is to avoid his anger at any cost. That won't save your marriage. It does apply to your situation *IF* you want to save your marriage.
He doesn't want to be with you because he is having an affair. That is why you must kill the affair if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage.
Do you want to save your marriage?
He has been unhappy for years, is the thing. We have always had problems.
I do want to save it, and am willing to do whatever necessary. I've just been told that this won't help me.
He has been unhappy for years, is the thing. We have always had problems.
That describes about 99% of marriages that come here for help.
I do want to save it, and am willing to do whatever necessary. I've just been told that this won't help me.
It is about the ONLY thing that will help you. Most of here who are in recovered marriages attribute that to exposure. We have had affairs end the day they were exposed. I predict yours would. Dr Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist, author of Surviving an Affair and founder of Marriage Builders. He has saved thousands of marriages using these tactics and here is what he says:
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
You have no hope if you can't kill the affair. And the longer it goes on the more entrenched it becomes. The more entrenched the more likely he is to leave you for her. And every time he sees her he takes the risk of getting her pregnant. Go read some of the horror stories in Pregnancy forum if you want to see what can happen.
Bottom line is that by keeping his secret, you are ENBLING her affair. At your expense and the expense of your marriage.
I do want to save it, and am willing to do whatever necessary. I've just been told that this won't help me.
Who told you this? Not someone who knows how to save marriages.
BBS, your marriage can survive your husbands temporary anger over exposure but it CAN'T survive this affair. Enabling his affair is not going to save your marriage, it will wreck it. Your silence makes you an accessory to the crime and almost ensures you won't make it.
Every day that goes by while the affair is kept secret, your chances go down and down.
I keep reading that, but I'm scared it doesn't apply to my situation. I'm scared I'll make it worse. He doesn't want to be with me, and making him mad isn't going to help with that.
You think that doesn't apply to your case? Who do you think knows more, from real-life experience that I wish I'd never had, about what it takes to kill an affair: You, or I? (Hint: It's not you.)
Be smart. Take my word on it. For God's sake, expose the affair! Give your marriage a fighting chance. Keeping it quiet only enables it to continue. Don't be an enabler.
We're not here to criticize you. We're not here for money, because we don't get any for spending our free time. We want you to have the best chance to rescue your marriage, but we can't take the action you need to take for you. Only you can do it.
He seems very sure of divorce. I'm scared.
How old are you and WH?
How long have you been married?
Welcome to MB
We've been together 16 years, married 8.
He half admitted he's been physical with her. He's more and more comfortable with divorce. I'm ready.
If he's ready for D then why do you hesitate to expose? You have nothing to lose at this point!!
I have a history of being controlling and manipulative, and this would be seen as further proof that I haven't changed
I don't know what you categorize as controlling and manipulative but you can't be THAT controlling if your WH can manage to have an affair and continues to do so while rubbing it in your face. It's always amazing how that works!
He half admitted he's been physical with her. He's more and more comfortable with divorce. I'm ready.
Exposure is your best chance to avoid divorce. Exposure will likely kill the affair. At the least it will hasten it's death. Please go read the exposure thread and start making plans. Come back and we will help you fine tune your plan.
And whatever you do, don't forewarn him and don't threaten exposure.
I have been told I will only break his trust if I contact the woman, who doesn't know he is married
This is emotional blackmail. He is doing this so you don't ruin his little love nest and so he can be a cake eater. He is manipulating you because he knows you are scared and are afraid of losing him. He has you exactly where he wants you.
Why are you more concerned about not making him mad than fighting for your M?
I want to call her and send her a Facebook message. She doesn't know he's married. I'm terrified she won't care. What do I do if she stays with him anyway? What is a good template for her message? I will send a message to her sister as well. On WH's end, I'm going to contact his close friend, who is also a coworker. I have already talked to his mom, and it didn't help. I can send a message to another coworker, but I'd rather it be more generic. WH was drunk tonight, and said they hadn't been physical, but he thinks about her constantly. I don't want to embarrass him unnecessarily. If there is a way to say they have been getting too close, so please remember he's married, to that coworker, that would be enough. My aunt wants to talk to him, but when his brother found out, he practically encouraged it. I just don't know what I'm going to do if she stays with him anyway.
I have been told I will only break his trust if I contact the woman, who doesn't know he is married
This is emotional blackmail. He is doing this so you don't ruin his little love nest and so he can be a cake eater. He is manipulating you because he knows you are scared and are afraid of losing him. He has you exactly where he wants you.
Why are you more concerned about not making him mad than fighting for your M?
I'm scared you all are wrong, at least for my situation. This can't be undone.
We are not wrong, if you want to bring him back to reality you must expose the affair. Bringing the affair into the light of day will stop the affair dead in its tracks. I felt as scared as you about my WW being mad when I exposed, but found the anger was short lived and have seen an amazing change in her since the exposure.
Do not delay any longer expose.
I have been told I will only break his trust if I contact the woman, who doesn't know he is married
This is emotional blackmail. He is doing this so you don't ruin his little love nest and so he can be a cake eater. He is manipulating you because he knows you are scared and are afraid of losing him. He has you exactly where he wants you.
Why are you more concerned about not making him mad than fighting for your M?
I'm scared you all are wrong, at least for my situation. This can't be undone.
If it can not be undone then you exposing will not make anything worse.
I'm scared I'll make it worse
I'm terrified she won't care
I'm scared you all are wrong
BMBS, do you see a theme here? We understand your fear. What we're asking you to do is to dig down deep and find the resources within yourself to stand up straight, steel your spine and EXPOSE this. The people who are telling you this aren't people who have heard about exposure as a theory. We don't just
think exposure could be a good potential idea. We KNOW it is your best weapon to blow up your WH's affair.
And he knows it, too. That's why he's manipulated and threatened you into keeping your mouth shut and allowing him to crap on you by flaunting his affair.
BMBS, I am one example of how quickly exposure can work. My H's affair ended THE DAY IT WAS EXPOSED. Later on he said he was
grateful that it had been exposed, because he didn't know how to end it. How about that - a wayward who is
grateful for exposure. Your WH is an addict right now and cannot break his addiction. He needs your help. You're going to have to get to work if you want to pull this marriage out of the ditch. Exposure is step number one.
Your WH is living a wayward's dream. He still has all the comforts of home and family while he wallows in the sewer with OW at his leisure.
Think about this hard, BMBS. Think about how horribly he is treating you and your DD with his brazen behavior. How DARE he do this to you and your family! How DARE he blackmail and manipulate you into enabling his affair! Is this really how you want to live?? Do you think he's going to wake up one day and decide to do the right thing and end the affair on his own??
I used to work with a woman who allowed her WH to cake-eat, much as you are doing. His affair had been going on for DECADES. Picture it: spending Christmas morning with his wife and kids, then going to OW's for the rest of the day.
Picture that on EVERY holiday. Picture splitting weekends between the two. Sitting quietly by while WH talks on the phone to OW every night before bed, telling her he loves her before hanging up and getting into bed with you. Is this really the life you want? Is this the life you want for your daughter??
I'm not sure I read this: how did he meet OW? Do they work together? Have you read the Exposure 101 thread in MelodyLane's posts?
I want to call her and send her a Facebook message. She doesn't know he's married. I'm terrified she won't care. What do I do if she stays with him anyway? What is a good template for her message? I will send a message to her sister as well. On WH's end, I'm going to contact his close friend, who is also a coworker. I have already talked to his mom, and it didn't help. I can send a message to another coworker, but I'd rather it be more generic. WH was drunk tonight, and said they hadn't been physical, but he thinks about her constantly. I don't want to embarrass him unnecessarily. If there is a way to say they have been getting too close, so please remember he's married, to that coworker, that would be enough. My aunt wants to talk to him, but when his brother found out, he practically encouraged it. I just don't know what I'm going to do if she stays with him anyway.
Don't even bother doing any of this because it will backfire on you.. First off, doing a "trickle" exposure will not be enough to kill the affair. It will be just enough to piss them off and come after you harder.
Expose the affair to his mother, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles. If a workplace affair, then expose it to the director of HR.
Expose the affair to the OW's parents and facebook friends. Dont' do a trickle exposure. That is tantamount to bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. It is a timid approach that will result in you getting your [censored] shot off.
If there is a way to say they have been getting too close, so please remember he's married, to that coworker, that would be enough.
]
Here is the way: "my husband is having a sexual affair with SallySkank." Don't pussyfoot around. Use the templates on my exposure thread.
Did you even read my exposure thread?
I'm scared you all are wrong, at least for my situation. This can't be undone.
Your own methods have not worked in your situation, though. So far you have been wrong. Many of us here are in recovered marriages because of these tactics, keep this in mind.
But don't bother if you are going to do this halfway. If you are going to do a trickle, trickle exposure and just expose to a couple of people and say silly things like "my husband is married and he is getting too close to Sallyskank" then it will all blow up in your face. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFIT.
Exposure will blow up the affair and make your husband FURIOUS. So if you are going make him furious it had better worthwhile. He will be furious and will threaten to divorce you. you have to be prepared for this.
But don't bother if you aren't going to do it right. You can't afford to be timid when it comes to saving your marriage. And all I see here is a very timid approach.
You can bring a pea shooter or you can bring an uzi. Only an uzi will save your marriage so take your pick!
I did read it. He just still holds it against me that I told everyone last time.
I will send a message to everyone I find on her Facebook, but she has it set to private, so there aren't many.
I want to do it tonight.
I did read it. He just still holds it against me that I told everyone last time.
He will hold it against you if you interfere with his affair. But isn't that a good reason? You won't have a marriage if you don't, though.
I will send a message to everyone I find on her Facebook, but she has it set to private, so there aren't many.
I want to do it tonight.
And who else is on your exposure list? What about their employer? Is this a workplace affair? What about your husband's family and friends?
I dearly hope you are not going to do a check the box exercise and will be thorough in your exposure, because you will regret doing a trickle exposure.
I did read it. He just still holds it against me that I told everyone last time.
I will send a message to everyone I find on her Facebook, but she has it set to private, so there aren't many.
I want to do it tonight.
Well, sure. He's ticked that you exposed his secret life. Waywards hate that. He'll just need to get over that if he wants to live UP to your marital requirements. And you need to make sure he understands that - be very clear that you WILL expose his nasty secret life to everyone who can help save your marriage.
BBS, can you please post your exposure letter? I am concerned that you are going to gloss over the affair, which is a serious strategic mistake. My concern for you is that you will cut corners here and suffer the consequences. You really can't afford to do that, so please let us help you do this in a thorough, strategic way so you get the best result, ok?
Also, it is very important that when you expose on facebook that you a) do it on a PC and b) pay $1 to get the message placed into the in box. Otherwise it goes to the spam box and they never see it.
I'm on a tablet, does that matter? If I send a friend request, will it go to the right box?
I'm on a tablet, does that matter? If I send a friend request, will it go to the right box?
Yes, it does matter because it won't give you the option of sending a private message to the inbox on a tablet. Do you have a PC?
I would not send any friend requests though. I am presuming you have read my exposure thread to find out how to do this?
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since August, according to the evidence.�I have phone records, admittance of time spent with OW by Joe, and bank records from when they have gone out. .I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to discontinue all contact with him, for the sake of my marriage and my daughters well being .Thank you, BW
Yes, I've read the thread multiple times. Why is it a bad idea to send friend requests, if I can later unfriend them?
Yes, I've read the thread multiple times. Why is it a bad idea to send friend requests, if I can later unfriend them?
Is there a reason why you want to friend them rather than just send them a private message? Do you mean you want to friend them in addition to sending them your exposure letter?
So I don't have to pay. I don't have a credit card on my account.
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. They have been having this affair since August, according to the evidence.�I have phone records, admittance of time spent the affair with SallyOW by Joe, and bank records from when they have gone out. .I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to discontinue all contact with him, for the sake of my marriage and my daughters well being .Thank you, BW
That is great! I would add something about your daughter and her age earlier in the email, though.
Yes, send the friend request so they see the letter.
So I don't have to pay. I don't have a credit card on my account.
Can you go to Walmart and buy a pre-paid Visa and use that? See, otherwise your entire exposure will be dependent upon someone accepting a friend request from a perfect stranger.
She doesn't know he's married, so I don't want to throw her under the bus unnecessarily. Can I add something about she may not realize he's married?
One thing I would do FOR SURE is post a photo of you, your husband, your child as your profile pics, open your page and then try to "friend" the OW. Let her see all your happy family photos. If she would friend you, then you can copy and paste her entire friend list into a word doc and THEN expose.
She doesn't know he's married, so I don't want to throw her under the bus unnecessarily. Can I add something about she may not realize he's married?
I would not do that. If that is the case, it is up to her to prove it. But most women have the good sense to check this out on their own. She failed to do this. That is her fault. The truth is that she has been having an affair with a married man.
She doesn't know he's married, so I don't want to throw her under the bus unnecessarily. Can I add something about she may not realize he's married?
Don't worry about her. Focus on your marriage.
Your exposure letter is just stating the facts
She doesn't know he's married, so I don't want to throw her under the bus unnecessarily. Can I add something about she may not realize he's married?
She's a big girl and should be in control of her dating life. Why do you feel the need to protect her?
Because I don't want to be unfair. If she doesn't know, she shouldn't have to be ashamed in the same way. Just the accountability.
Because I don't want to be unfair. If she doesn't know, she shouldn't have to be ashamed in the same way. Just the accountability.
You're missing the point. EITHER:
A. She's a grown woman and should know to check on her lover's marital status, FIRST.
B. She's not. Your WH has bigger problems.
If it's "B", you're right, let her slide (call the cops on WH)...If it's "A" (likely) take the aforementioned advice. Expose.
Because I don't want to be unfair. If she doesn't know, she shouldn't have to be ashamed in the same way. Just the accountability.
How do you know she didn't know he was married when the A began?
Even if she didn't know he was married, the A has been active for 2mths, there is no guarantee she will end the A b/c she learns he is married. Her prior knowledge is not really the issue, she is in an A with your H, she is an enemy of your M, A are an attack on your M. You need to expose strategically, use the amended letter Mel posted.
You are fighting to save your M, you can't be worried about being fair to the OW. Your M and family are your priority.
How long is he going to stay mad? I did it.
Well done.
There is no set time frame it depends on the wayward. One thing to keep in mind the angrier they are the moreeffective the exposure.
You will probably hear in various forms - I was going to work on the M, now I'm not; your crazy and/or immature; you've ruined my reputation; I haven't loved you for x yrs and other foggy statements.
Don't engage in these conversations or try to reason with WH. Do not apologise for exposing the turth and fighting for your M. Simply state you are sorry his A ruined his reputation but you will not help him hide the A.
How long is he going to stay mad? I did it.
Good job!! Did you also expose to his parents, siblings, close friends? Is this a workplace affair, and if so, did you expose to his workplace?
Remember what I said about trickle exposure? Trickle exposure will get you shot. A complete exposure is to bring an uzi to field of battle.
Just wanted to send my support
You should be proud of yourself now you have a chance and a plan at least, don't do anything without coming back for guidance this is a difficult road but a rewarding one, once that fantasy bubble has broken for your husband he should wake up and his logic should kick in some more.
Remember do not apologize for exposure, you are doing what you have to to save your marriage and family.....
Don't listen to what he says he is in affair fantasy thinking right now.....he isn't the man you married right now.....
How old are your daughters Have you exposed to them in a age appropriate way?
stay strong I found out when I went through this the inner strength I did have and how smart I could be about it all........out wit, out smart, out last the affair.....
How long is he going to stay mad? I did it.
BBS, what exactly did you do? And did you pay to send the messages to the inboxes? How many people? Do you think any of them are family? Who?
No grown woman dates a man without knowing where he lives and with whom! That would be silly.
She knows full well he's married. Your husband is lying about that to protect her.
Well done on exposure. They no longer have a future where you can be blamed for the D (controlling indeed! He's having an A under your nose!!) And she can be ushered in as the innocent new girlfriend who met him afterwards.
What do you mean by 'the last time?' Was there a previous affair? A previous exposure?
Did he get you to agree to be silent if there was another A? Did you apologize for exposure in his first A?
If so he will be very angry and try to browbeat you again. It is vital you respond calmly. Try to look bored and highly unimpressed. Tell him you are sorry he finds his A so shameful and embarassing and that maybe he should stop cheating if he finds it so awful.
See this time you need to make sure that you don't apologize or back down. That will just set the scene for Affair #3.
If he wants to stay with you he needs to accept exposure remorsefully and make himself more accountable to you.
Sorry, I see: the 'first time' was your trickle exposure.
Trickle exposure is like shooting a tiger with a pea gun. Because it was timid he's attacked you so as to prevent more exposure.
He is ASHAMED of her. And does not want anyone to know about his skanky side life.
He is going to be very, very angry and we need you to not care a bit.
Can you do that?
Can you look bored and walk off when he gets angry?
Can you PROMISE him you will never help him cover up such a skanky secret ever again?
How long is he going to stay mad? I did it.
That depends a lot on your reaction. If you engage his anger and crumble at his feet, then he will continue to use his anger to control you because it works. That is how he keeps you in line by turning things around and making YOU the bad guy. He is the one who is controlling...can you see that?
You need to be strong and in control as a woman who will no longer be an accomplice in his dirty secrets.
He seems very sure of divorce. I'm scared.
More attempts to control you... with threats of divorce but he is still around because he wants his family AND his cake.
I found out about dh's work affair five weeks ago
If OW works with him, then she knows that he is married. Are you saying that the people your WH works with don't know he is married? How can that be?
How long is he going to stay mad? I did it.
That depends a lot on your reaction. If you engage his anger and crumble at his feet, then he will continue to use his anger to control you because it works. That is how he keeps you in line by turning things around and making YOU the bad guy. He is the one who is controlling...can you see that?
You need to be strong and in control as a woman who will no longer be an accomplice in his dirty secrets.
Yes, I apologized for exposure last time.
I can finally see that he is the one being controlling and manipulative. The OW was in shock, and couldn't wait until the next day to contact him. He is furious, and says he's going to file anyway. I will try the "I'm sorry you're ashamed of your affair," bit, then just remind him a few times that our dd is present. If he continues, maybe I will leave the house with dd for a bit. He's been so cold and mean to me, it makes it easier to be detached. How dare he see his own wife, the mother of his child, as an impediment to his true happiness, even at family outings?
He is furious, and says he's going to file anyway.
That is the standard response. Stay strong.
You have nothing to lose except a hurtful marriage. Furthermore, you are going to have a nervous breakdown if things do not change and nothing will change until you start to stand up for yourself and your marriage. You have already found that out.
I found out about dh's work affair five weeks ago
If OW works with him, then she knows that he is married. Are you saying that the people your WH works with don't know he is married? How can that be?
They know, she said it never came up. Either way, she didn't seem to appreciate the drama, and emailed him immediately.
BBS, since it is a workplace affair, it should be exposed at work too. Which needs to be done TODAY. Remember I warned you about trickle exposures? You need to get this affair exposed everywhere today.
Your marriage will NEVER have any chance if still works at the same place as the OW. Epxosing it at work greatly increases the odds that one of them will leave the job.
It has already been exposed at work. He says he hates me, I embarrassed him, and he is filing for divorce and won't just roll over and take this. OW told him that if I contact her again, she will tell HR and get him fired.
It has already been exposed at work. He says he hates me, I embarrassed him, and he is filing for divorce and won't just roll over and take this. OW told him that if I contact her again, she will tell HR and get him fired.
How was this exposed at work? To whom and HOW? What was said by whom?
You do realize that the best thing for your marriage would be if he got fired, right? You should also know that you may have grounds for a lawsuit against his company because of this workplace affair.
He says he hates me, I embarrassed him, and he is filing for divorce and won't just roll over and take this.
That is great!! But you didn't go far enough. The affair needs to be exposed at work and to all the rest of his family and friends.
The more angry the WS, the harder you hit the target. But the little amount of exposure you did is not likely to kill the affair. You need to do the full monty. But I have now told you that many times.
BMBS,
Your husband is in the fog--he's not the same person you married, and his anger is not rational. Like all cheaters who are exposed, he's angry and blaming you instead of accepting responsibility for his own actions. It's despicable conduct, and it is universal with every wayward. So take heart. My WW was incensed when I exposed. She really hated me. And she did file for divorce. But I never worried because I knew it was my best chance at saving my marriage. Well, sort of. We wound up getting divorced, but as soon as her affair died we worked things out. It took a year-and-a-half. But guess what? She got over the exposure.
In your case, exposing is the very best thing you could have done because not only does it give you the best chance at killing the affair (See how the OW already threw your husband under the bus by threatening to get him fired?) but if you do recover your marriage, he'll think twice before cheating again knowing that you will not stand by like a patsy when he gets a restless heart.
I'm having a hard time finding links that I know I saw at one point. How long is withdrawl going to last? It has only been a day, but this is the first night he has openly slept in the other room, not starting in the bedroom to hide it from dd.
He said he isn't going to roll over and put up with the exposure, and is going to file, even though it will get messy and we will both lose a lot. Not everyone stays, you know?
I'm having a hard time finding links that I know I saw at one point. How long is withdrawl going to last? It has only been a day, but this is the first night he has openly slept in the other room, not starting in the bedroom to hide it from dd.
He said he isn't going to roll over and put up with the exposure, and is going to file, even though it will get messy and we will both lose a lot. Not everyone stays, you know?
Perhaps not. There aren't any guarantees at this point. You should be trying to do those things that give you the greatest chance for success. Exposure is tried and true. Capitulating to a WS's anger never works.
I'm having a hard time finding links that I know I saw at one point. How long is withdrawl going to last? It has only been a day, but this is the first night he has openly slept in the other room, not starting in the bedroom to hide it from dd.
He said he isn't going to roll over and put up with the exposure, and is going to file, even though it will get messy and we will both lose a lot. Not everyone stays, you know?
No. Exposure only hastens the end of the A. Some people return to being good people after the end of the A, some people start up another.
Not everyone wants to be a good person and in a long term relationship. Some people just want the easy-come easy-go option.
Killing the A is the best thing you can do to see if there is still a good person in there.
I'm having a hard time finding links that I know I saw at one point. How long is withdrawl going to last? It has only been a day, but this is the first night he has openly slept in the other room, not starting in the bedroom to hide it from dd.
He said he isn't going to roll over and put up with the exposure, and is going to file, even though it will get messy and we will both lose a lot. Not everyone stays, you know?
He won't want anything to do with the marriage until his affair is killed and that will not happen unless you expos� the affair. You can't do a little trickle exposure and expect much to happen. He most certainly is not in withdrawal because his affair is not over.
BBS, the next step is to demand that he end his affair TODAY and if he won't to move out immediately. Pack his bags and ask him to move out. Once he moves out, you want to go into Plan B, which is a completely dark Plan B.
He seems to be under the impression that he can do anything he likes and you will tolerate it. Dr Harley only recommends staying in Plan A for 3 to 4 weeks, so I would plan to separate now. Have you read up on Plan B?
Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
How long is withdrawl going to last? It has only been a day, but this is the first night he has openly slept in the other room, not starting in the bedroom to hide it from dd.
Your WH is not in withdrawal because he sees OW everyday at work and even discusses you with her.
Withdrawal begins when no contact for LIFE is established.
You haven't answered Mel's question about the work exposure...Who exposed the affair and to whom and what did they say?
I'm having a hard time finding links that I know I saw at one point. How long is withdrawl going to last? It has only been a day, but this is the first night he has openly slept in the other room, not starting in the bedroom to hide it from dd.
He said he isn't going to roll over and put up with the exposure, and is going to file, even though it will get messy and we will both lose a lot. Not everyone stays, you know?
He won't want anything to do with the marriage until his affair is killed and that will not happen unless you expos� the affair. You can't do a little trickle exposure and expect much to happen. He most certainly is not in withdrawal because his affair is not over.
BBS, the next step is to demand that he end his affair TODAY and if he won't to move out immediately. Pack his bags and ask him to move out. Once he moves out, you want to go into Plan B, which is a completely dark Plan B.
He seems to be under the impression that he can do anything he likes and you will tolerate it. Dr Harley only recommends staying in Plan A for 3 to 4 weeks, so I would plan to separate now. Have you read up on Plan B?
Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
I called his family and the OW. I told her he was married, and all contact had to cease. I was talked out of contacting anyone else, but it is just as well, because as I said, she proceeded to tell his coworkers that he was married and flirting with her, and said if I contacted her again, she would tell HR and get him fired. After I talked to her, she immediately emailed him, which I know because he suddenly started freaking out on me, said he knew I called her, and he hated me.
He works in an ajoining building. I know that isn't ideal, but with her threats and his embarrassment, I can't imagine he would willingly talk to her. If he gets fired, and still files, I'm really screwed, so I'm not willing to risk it.
I don't have the book, but I have read Plan B. The issue is that he refuses to leave, and legally I can't kick him out. I would have to file, which defeats the whole point.
Unfortunately the affair will continue at work because you kept their secret there. There is no way to ever recover your marriage as long as they work at the same place. Sorry.
There is nothing we can do for you if you won't take the advice,
.
Unfortunately the affair will continue at work because you kept their secret there. There is no way to ever recover your marriage as long as they work at the same place. Sorry.
There is nothing we can do for you if you won't take the advice,
.
His entire workplace knows.....
No they don't.
They only know what the affair participants have told them
The FIRST step towards marital recovery is permanent separation from the affair partner.
Dr Harley recommends moving out of state if ypu are in a rural area.
He must commit to never seeing or speaking to her again.
If this is not done the affair will continue
Unfortunately the affair will continue at work because you kept their secret there. There is no way to ever recover your marriage as long as they work at the same place. Sorry.
There is nothing we can do for you if you won't take the advice,
.
His entire workplace knows.....
No, they do not. The affair has not been exposed to human resources and executive management. Water cooler gossip is *not* exposure. I view this as a lost cause if you refuse to take the advice, but that is your prerogative. It is your marriage to lose.
It has already been exposed at work. He says he hates me, I embarrassed him, and he is filing for divorce and won't just roll over and take this. OW told him that if I contact her again, she will tell HR and get him fired.
Your exposure hit the mark! As Mel and I have both posted the angrier he is the better impact exposure had. OW is using your fear to keep you quiet, what a POSOW and you wanted to be fair to her... well done you hit the mark with her too!
You don't understand waywards or the addiction of A. Whilst they work together HE WILL risk his career and financial security to see/speak to her.
OW's threat was to get you to back off, I doubt she has any intention of trying to get him fired. She is using your love for your WH and your fear he will loose his job to get you to stop. She doesn't want anyone to know the truth.
If the A continues your "screwed", waywards finance their A at the expense of their familh's financial security. If the A continues and OW gets him to leave you, you are "screwed, you won't have the benefit if his income if he leaves you.
My WH tried to financially starve me out of our family home, whilst I fought foreclosure he gave OW $17.5k,she also drives a new BMW, has a new house all purchased in her name which my WH pays for. Sadly Im not unique this has happened to many BS and is typical wayward behaviour.
It has already been exposed at work. He says he hates me, I embarrassed him, and he is filing for divorce and won't just roll over and take this. OW told him that if I contact her again, she will tell HR and get him fired.
Your exposure hit the mark! As Mel and I have both posted the angrier he is the better impact exposure had. OW is using your fear to keep you quiet, what a POSOW and you wanted to be fair to her... well done you hit the mark with her too!
It gives me great pleasure to see this woman's true colors. I'm glad I took the high road with her, and she has proven to be the one who only wanted to hurt others as much as possible to protect herself. I'm hoping WH really sees that! It sure is hard to live with the anger, though. Time to focus on making myself happy and not waiting for him to do it.
BBS, I would really URGE you to expose properly as outlined in the exposure thread.
It has already been exposed at work. He says he hates me, I embarrassed him, and he is filing for divorce and won't just roll over and take this. OW told him that if I contact her again, she will tell HR and get him fired.
SURELY you already contacted HR???!!!
Are you telling us that your exposure has skipped out HR? Who on earth DID you tell then? Who knows about it at work?
It sounds like you only spoke to OW who already knows she is in an affair!! If so, all you have done is forewarned her.
Their bosses should know, and they should have dragged them both in for a reprimand and be putting a stop to it. The workplace should be under the impression that they will be in big trouble legally unless they put a stop to this A.
He works in an ajoining building. I know that isn't ideal, but with her threats and his embarrassment, I can't imagine he would willingly talk to her.
You probably never imagined that your WH would have an affair either...until he did.
He works in an ajoining building. I know that isn't ideal, but with her threats and his embarrassment, I can't imagine he would willingly talk to her.
You probably never imagined that your WH would have an affair either...until he did.
The point about addiction is addicts will ALWAYS find a way to get to their addiction. If it is right next door they will never even START withdrawal.
Please don't apply the normal rules of logic and what you know of your (former) husband here. Right now the rules of addiction apply.
Dr Harley has never seen a couple recover when the waywards continue to work together.
They always have to stop working together and if there is a chance of accidental contact, he even advises the recovering move home to another state.
It sure is hard to live with the anger, though. Time to focus on making myself happy and not waiting for him to do it.
What is your plan? How can you make yourself happy with WH going to work everyday with OW while at the same time being belligerent to you?
How long will you be able to live like that before you have a nervous breakdown?
What are you teaching your DD about what is acceptable in how a man can treat his wife?
I know that you are worried about finances and want WH to keep his job. I know that you "believe" you are safe letting your WH continue to work in the same company as OW so that the bills can be paid. You are not safe as long as WH continues to have contact with OW and refuses to commit to the marriage.
Read up on Plan B and learn how to take control of your life and remove yourself from the drama. Filing for divorce to get abusive WH out of the house will be a dose of reality for him. It does not mean that you have to go through with it if WH decides to commit to the marriage and is able to make a complete change in his lifestyle.
Right now your WH thinks you will allow him to stomp all over you.
You are headed down the road to a death of a thousand cuts. I am worried about you.
It sure is hard to live with the anger, though. Time to focus on making myself happy and not waiting for him to do it.
What is your plan? How can you make yourself happy with WH going to work everyday with OW while at the same time being belligerent to you?
How long will you be able to live like that before you have a nervous breakdown?
What are you teaching your DD about what is acceptable in how a man can treat his wife?
I know that you are worried about finances and want WH to keep his job. I know that you "believe" you are safe letting your WH continue to work in the same company as OW so that the bills can be paid. You are not safe as long as WH continues to have contact with OW and refuses to commit to the marriage.
Read up on Plan B and learn how to take control of your life and remove yourself from the drama. Filing for divorce to get abusive WH out of the house will be a dose of reality for him. It does not mean that you have to go through with it if WH decides to commit to the marriage and is able to make a complete change in his lifestyle.
Right now your WH thinks you will allow him to stomp all over you.
You are headed down the road to a death of a thousand cuts. I am worried about you.
I am trying to get help, and if you really want to help me, you will try and work within my situation. I understand I'm not following all your rules, but I'm also getting conflicting advice, and am doing the best I can. Here is exactly what happened. I was advised not to contact coworkers or her friends because it could make me look unstable in court. I have already told his family. On Sunday night, I called the OW and told her he was married, and contact had to cease. She immediately emailed him, and he freaked out on me. He called the nextvday from work and frantically said she had told everyone he was married and pursuing her, and that she threatened to contact HR if I contacted her again. In my state, they can fire at will, and if HR is contacted, he WILL be fired. He has been ignoring me ever since. Now, I caught him on his iPod last night, two hours after he had gonevto bed. He hid it, and said he was looking at porn. He also didn't get off work until 8, when anything after 3:30 is overtime. I don't want to risk looking unstable. You can say "I told you so," or you can help me figure out how to know what he's up to.
There is no legal way to remove him from the house. If I abandon the house, I risk not getting it in a divorce, because a lawyer told me possession is 9/10 of the law.
BBS, if you want to save your marriage you need to follow the advice here. We know how to save marriages and your friends don't. Exposure does not make you look "unstable" in court. We have done this a thousand times going back years.
We can't help you if you won't follow the advice. I view this as a hopeless cause. Sorry.
There is no legal way to remove him from the house. If I abandon the house, I risk not getting it in a divorce, because a lawyer told me possession is 9/10 of the law.
And we can't help you if you won't separate. You may be the only person in America that can't seem to separate. We have had thousands who separated over the years. Every week, we have couples separate when it is warranted. You are the only exception in my 12 years here.
No way to 'legally remove him from the house?'
Wow. Kick him out and change the locks like every other betrayed wife has to do. I promise you the locksmith police won't come round and make you change it back. You are being cheated on and you seem to think you need a court order to stand up for yourself.
And as for him getting fired, that is brilliant news. He should get fired.
It sure is hard to live with the anger, though. Time to focus on making myself happy and not waiting for him to do it.
What is your plan? How can you make yourself happy with WH going to work everyday with OW while at the same time being belligerent to you?
How long will you be able to live like that before you have a nervous breakdown?
What are you teaching your DD about what is acceptable in how a man can treat his wife?
I know that you are worried about finances and want WH to keep his job. I know that you "believe" you are safe letting your WH continue to work in the same company as OW so that the bills can be paid. You are not safe as long as WH continues to have contact with OW and refuses to commit to the marriage.
Read up on Plan B and learn how to take control of your life and remove yourself from the drama. Filing for divorce to get abusive WH out of the house will be a dose of reality for him. It does not mean that you have to go through with it if WH decides to commit to the marriage and is able to make a complete change in his lifestyle.
Right now your WH thinks you will allow him to stomp all over you.
You are headed down the road to a death of a thousand cuts. I am worried about you.
I am trying to get help, and if you really want to help me, you will try and work within my situation. I understand I'm not following all your rules, but I'm also getting conflicting advice, and am doing the best I can. Here is exactly what happened. I was advised not to contact coworkers or her friends because it could make me look unstable in court. I have already told his family. On Sunday night, I called the OW and told her he was married, and contact had to cease. She immediately emailed him, and he freaked out on me. He called the nextvday from work and frantically said she had told everyone he was married and pursuing her, and that she threatened to contact HR if I contacted her again. In my state, they can fire at will, and if HR is contacted, he WILL be fired. He has been ignoring me ever since. Now, I caught him on his iPod last night, two hours after he had gonevto bed. He hid it, and said he was looking at porn. He also didn't get off work until 8, when anything after 3:30 is overtime. I don't want to risk looking unstable. You can say "I told you so," or you can help me figure out how to know what he's up to.
There is no legal way to remove him from the house. If I abandon the house, I risk not getting it in a divorce, because a lawyer told me possession is 9/10 of the law.
OK, do it your way.
I am trying to get help, and if you really want to help me, you will try and work within my situation.
One thing I want to make clear is that people are not going to volunteer their free time to help someone who isn't very interested in doing much. Posters usualy abandon the threads of people who do not act.
You keep saying 'your situation' but there isn't anything very different about 'your situation'.
Most affairs take place in the workplace.
Most affairs involve a contentious WH
Most affairs involve an OW who makes threats
Most affairs ruin the financial stability of the family
Most people with unrepentant WH have to separate
Nobody gets a permission slip to get them 'legally' out of the house.
Most people have to expose. It is not 'unstable' to tell people the truth!
The only thing different about your situation is that you are one of those rare people who want to do nothing about it.
That's your call entirely.
This is NOT a program you can cherry pick. You either abide by the rules or limp along in Plan C/Hope.
You can say "I told you so," or you can help me figure out how to know what he's up to.'
What he's up to: He is having a workplace affair and has figured out how to keep it going without consequences. The longer he continues, the more risk there is to your mental and physical health and other long-lasting effects (financial) to you. There is no "magic" way to make this all go away. You can take control or be powerless.
AM
I am trying to get help, and if you really want to help me, you will try and work within my situation.
Seriously, your situation is no different than any other marriage suffering an affair.
You have landed on a site that is a wealth, no a goldmine, of experience and knowledge. The posters here all voluntarily try to help others understand and implement the program because it works, because they have all been there, and because they want to help others avoid the mistakes that they have made themselves.
Read everything you can here and educate yourself on affairs and how to recover from them. That is your best chance. You have found the tools but now you need to actually pick them up and use them.
Take control of your life. You can do this.
BMBS, I am one of the posters here who saved my marriage by following the advice here. My husband was in a workplace affair with a co-worker. It was only through exposing the affair to his HR and managers was I able to get him transfered and away from the OW. It was only by kicking him out of the housr and refusing to be subjected to the emotional abuse of his affair was I able to preserve my mental and physical heath. It was only through refusing contact with him until he ended his affair was he able to face what he was doing his his life and his family's lives.
If I had not had the knowledge I had gotten here, and the strength the posters gave me to follow it through, I would be a mental train wreck right now.
They are trying to help you, please listen.
~RQ
[quote=BeingMyBestSelf
I don't want to risk looking unstable. You can say "I told you so," or you can help me figure out how to know what he's up to.
/quote]
I can imagine that you are afraid and confused and sad and overwhelmed ! Have faith in the process that has been used by so many of us in the past with results to prove it.
Think about it, a BS that is doing exposure in order to SAVE her marriage cannot be interpreted as unstable.
Are you afraid of the consequences of work exposure -sure ! Its not going to be an easy ride you better have your seatbelt tightly fastened. The bigger picture is that everyone else here is afraid of the consequences of you NOT doing the complete exposure and killing the A.
The veterans here are doing exactly what you asked, help you figure out what he is up to - and the answer is that he is still deep in the clutches of the fog of the A. He will say and do everything to prevent the A from having to end ie don't contact work else she will have me fired.
Don't be afraid, you have some great people throwing you life lines here, dig deep and find the strength to follow thru and trust that it will pay out in the end.
Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers, and me talking to friends and family is further proof to him that I'm unstable. Two separate people advised him not to go home at all tonight. Any more brilliant ideas?
You need to work the program.
Are you willing to keep getting hurt for the sake of appearing "stable"?
Your marriage can withstand his anger but not the affair. The more you lay down and take it the more you will get stepped on!
Plan C is beginning to believe it when your WS tells you you're nuts...
So, WS tells you you are 'unstable'.
Do you a) realise he is gaslighting you and trying to protect a situation where he can control you and have his Affairs too.
or B) believe him hook, line and sinker.
Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers,
DH tells you he is in the 'process' of filing for a D, do you
a) Realise that you have grounds for a D (adultery) but he does not have any
b) Realise this is all talk.
c) Realise that a man this determined to protect his secret second life is a lost cause
or d) Kick him out and see your own lawyer.
Are you still doing nothing about getting him out and enforcing a faithful marriage?
If your answer is 'yes' I will know to mosey on elsewhere.
The most common reaction to exposure is "I want a D!" "I hate you!" "You are unstable!"
My own husband threatened this and was deadly serious to look at. However I was the one who had to eventually do the D and he tried to stop me from divorcing him every step of the way!
Very rarely do they actually file for a D. Too lazy to do the paperwork.
It usually merely means: "Please leave my A alone and go back to putting up with it".
Usually the D threat is not followed up. However so what if he does? If he wants to divorce you for tackling his A, you may want to start divorce proceedings yourself.
I'm interested to hear what his grounds for a D would be.
I have a very simple saying for when you try and do your own thing - if you knew how to fix a marriage, how did you get in this mess in the first place? I sure wouldn't have ended up here if I knew everything either. If you want to cherry pick then go right ahead, but there's not much value in the blind leading the blind.
Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers, and me talking to friends and family is further proof to him that I'm unstable. Two separate people advised him not to go home at all tonight. Any more brilliant ideas?
We don't care what your unstable husband thinks. We care about saving your marriage. The goal is to save your marriage, not to get the approval of a wayward who is drunk on an affair.
Our brilliant idea is that you start following the advice from people who have saved their marriages using these steps and stop crashing your marriage on the rocks with Plan BeingMyBestSelf.
As a lawyer, it always amuses when a WS says "I'm" filling out paperwork for a divorce. It is not that simple....you just don't answer fill in the blank questions, hand it in at some window and, presto chango, you've filed for divorce. Even the be your own lawyer kits are involved than that and are not really usable if you have children and/or a house and/or other assets. More often than not, the WS saying "I'm filling out paperwork" is meant as a threat to stop you from whatever it is you're doing because it's causing problems for the affair.
You have people posting to you that have had a WS that after exposure:
I was coming back to the marriage but not I'm will divorce you.
You are unstable.
Still deny their affair and ignore the evidence.
Rage in anger at their BS in an attempt to scare them from taking further action to interfere with the affair.
Tell the BS that they have ruined everything between them now.
Those same people stuck to their guns and were able to save their marriage. You know nothing about how to fight affairs. These people coming to your aid have enough knowledge to right not one but several books.
You are in the battle for your life. It is hard to be at the frontline alone. Though you have many of the best Generals at MB Headquarters supporting you. You are not fighting this alone.
Listen to them. They are paying it forward.
Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers, and me talking to friends and family is further proof to him that I'm unstable. Two separate people advised him not to go home at all tonight. Any more brilliant ideas?
Who are these people? Did you expose the affair to them? If you did and they are still singing this song they are enabling his affair. You need to follow the advice given. This battle is hard fought and sitting around being scared to act makes you look weak. As a man I can tell a weak minded woman is very unattractive.
By following the advice given you do one of many things:
1. You set a boundary of what you will put up with in a marriage.
2. You empower yourself and become more attractive to your WH in the long run.
3. You feel better, mentally and physically.
4. You see and understand what you did to contribute to the state of your marriage. Not his affair mind you that was his choice. But you identify what you did to make your marriage unpleasant.
5. You don't get cheated or feel cheated if you actually do divorce. Face it miss, divorce may or may not happen but guess what. If you continue in this pussyfooting on following the advice given to you. You will be married and miserable and wishing for divorce yourself. Because you will fall out of love with your WH. Even if this affair another might happen because you sat there weak and timid. What's that saying people only do what you allow them to get away with...
My only regret is that I didn't get inboard with this advice sooner. If I had my WW might still be here. Please I implore you to read other people's threads and you will see how the plots play out the same line by line. The cookie cutter approach of MB works only of you follow it to the letter. Have your read surviving the affair? You should order it, its a quick read and better than any counselor I had. Good luck!
P.S. Don't look at exposure as a bad thing or revenge. You are telling your side of the story. Just the facts!
Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers, and me talking to friends and family is further proof to him that I'm unstable. Two separate people advised him not to go home at all tonight. Any more brilliant ideas?
Honestly, it is impossible to help you when you appear once a day with little blurbs about your WH's bullying tactics which are all textbook.
You have people posting to you that have had a WS that after exposure:
I was coming back to the marriage but not I'm will divorce you.
You are unstable.
Still deny their affair and ignore the evidence.
Rage in anger at their BS in an attempt to scare them from taking further action to interfere with the affair.
Tell the BS that they have ruined everything between them now.
Those same people stuck to their guns and were able to save their marriage. You know nothing about how to fight affairs. These people coming to your aid have enough knowledge to right not one but several books.
You are in the battle for your life. It is hard to be at the frontline alone. Though you have many of the best Generals at MB Headquarters supporting you. You are not fighting this alone.
Listen to them. They are paying it forward.
Very.Well.Said. I can't even cut out any part of this quote for brevity. It is all Spot.On.
Any more brilliant ideas?
Stop seeing us as the bad guy here and stick around and learn how to take control of your own life.
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is cripplingIt is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one..
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble.
Yes, the people apparently on his side are the ones I went to myself. One of them is a higher up at his work, but no, not HR. He says he isn't talking to her anymore, or rather, she refuses to talk to him. He would definitely still talk to her if he could. I don't want to kick him out if the affair is over, and I don't know how to prove it either way. Even if he was fired, that wouldn't be a guarantee he would stop talking to her.
Yes, he is using fear. I haven't apologized for exposing, said I should have done it before, but I'm having a hard time disengaging emotionally.
Yes, the people apparently on his side are the ones I went to myself. One of them is a higher up at his work, but no, not HR. He says he isn't talking to her anymore, or rather, she refuses to talk to him. He would definitely still talk to her if he could. I don't want to kick him out if the affair is over, and I don't know how to prove it either way. Even if he was fired, that wouldn't be a guarantee he would stop talking to her.
Your husband is still carrying on his affair at work because of your enabling. Oddly, you are taking the word of a practiced liar about the state of the affair. I cannot imagine why, but I predict you will have to find out the hard way. All he did was gaslight you into getting off his back so he can carry on his affair in peace at work.
The OW thanks you and the affair thanks you. Let us know when you get serious about saving your marriage instead of protecting the affair.
Even if he was fired, that wouldn't be a guarantee he would stop talking to her.
I will give you a guarantee. I guarantee your marriage will NEVER recover as long as they work together. It will never happen. Recovery is impossible.
That job you are protecting will destroy your marriage. Since you want a guarantee, there you go.
I just want to remind you that your best thinking has led your marriage to this terrible place. You do not know how to save a marriage. You are rejecting advice from people who have saved their marriages. If you want that, let us know. But we cannot force you to take the advice and stop enabling your husbands affair.
BBS, protect his wage packet if you want to.
Don't rock the boat if you don't want to.
Find out the hard way if that's what you want.
If you think he won't talk to her any more, well I guess you are really keen for him to keep this job and telling yourself all sorts of fairy tales.
We are here if you change your mind about taking the advice.
You can't listen to what HE says. He says 'all my friends say you're crazy!' It might be one friend at best!! You don't know what they're saying or thinking unless you make contact yourself.
One of the many problems with standing back and being passive is that you're giving him a chance to spin the story to everyone who'll listen. Here's what spin sounds like: 'my wife is mean/evil/depressed.' "we were already separated when i met skank.' 'we've been planning a divorce for a long time now.' 'she's crazy and abusive and won't let me go!'
Your complacency gives him ample time to spin this. My guess is that a lot of people who got the exposure are grossed out but he's not going to tell you this. He wants to turn this back on you and make you feel like the crazy one. Don't let him.
Also, how do you know the skank will go to HR and WHO CARES? If he's the one telling you all this, assume it's all made up. Because it is. He's out there right now, assuring her a divorce is in the works and making her feel sorry for him because he's married to a crazy lady.
They all say and do this stuff. You have to unhook from him and not listen to his babble or it will psyche you out. Be a surgeon here. You are cutting a cancer out of your life and hopefully your marriage.
The clock is ticking and you have the ability to take decisive action here. GET TO IT!!
I had an EA. I was the wayward in my sitch and the way I perceived my BH during my affair was nuts. All I saw were flaws and they were all grossly exaggerated and I told anyone who would listen. Even then, most of my friends were like "what are you talking about? He's a great guy!"
The fog is thick. It's total distortion and a re-writing of history. The wayward has to demonize their spouse in order to justify the cruel behavior. It's like an illness and the sooner you can snap him out of it, the better.
EXPOSURE IS THE KEY TO WAKING THE WAYWARD UP BECAUSE THEY SUDDENLY SEE THROUGH EVERYONE ELSE'S EYES HOW DISGUSTING THEIR BEHAVIOR IS.