Recently I discovered my wife texting a lot while we were watching tv. When I asked her about it, she said it was just a friend.

Being suspicious, I checked our phone records and found that she had been up all night texting the same cell phone number. When I confronted her about this, she said that he was a friend from high school that she had recently saw at her class reunion, but they were just friend.

Later that night, she opened up to me and told that for several years she had felt no love for me and that my negativity and anger had really bothered her but since we had been married for 20 years, she didn't want to throw it away and wanted to go to marriage counseling.

It has been 2 1/2 weeks and we've been to counseling 4 times, twice as a couple and twice individually. I've also spent that time reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters" and have begun to make the transformation into a more positive and caring person.

I still love her very much and want our marriage to work, but am worried that she continues to drift farther away. She keeps telling she needs space, but I'm worried I'm losing her.

First of all. Welcome to marriage builders. Secondly your wife is having an affair and the only reason she says the things she does is because she has a new point of comparison. Please click notify and have this thread moved to surviving an affair so you can get the help you need.

MNG

I would very quietly slip some spyware on her phone and a keylogger on her computer [if she uses one]. Get the goods and come back here. We will give you next steps. I am sorry, but she is having an affair. We can help you save your marriage if you will do as I say. Don't ASK her if she is having an affair. Don't even let on that you suspect it. Just get the evidence and come back here.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

Your W is doing is what almost all wayward spouses do when they are in an affair - asking for space, giving you the ILYBINILWY (not in love with you) speech, etc. At least you know who the OM is and have his phone #, that's a good first step.

You should put HNHN to the side for now and quietly order Surviving an Affair. As you can see, your efforts to make LB$ deposits won't get you very far while she is still carrying on this affair.

Do not confront your W about this just yet -- ask to have this moved to SAA so that posters can help you with the next steps.

The unfortunate thing is that the marriage counsel is encouraging the "give her space".

I also get the feeling that the marriage counsel is passing judgement on me and siding with my wife (my angry outbursts over the years has really withdrawn alot of live units)

Thank you for telling me what I probably already knew just didn't want to admit.

I am going to do everything possible to keep this marriage alive, I just need to find someway to get my wife more engaged with repairing our marriage

Does the marriage counselor want you to "give her space" because she feels you are dangerous to her? Are your angry outbursts putting your wife in danger?

That is the only legitimate reason to "give her space." Otherwise, you would be facilitating her affair by "giving her space" and that would be a very destructive thing to do.

Most marriage counselors are destructive to marriage when there is an affair so I would caution you about taking her advice.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to first get the evidence of the affair and then expose it. Please read the thread that is linked in my signature.

your wife will have no interest in your marriage and until her affair has ended; so it is very important that you immediately get evidence of this affair and then expose it to her affair partners family your family and close friends

Perhaps that's the reason for the give her space approach from the counselor. She did ask use a couple of times in the last session if we had considered separating (which we had not as of yet).

My angry outbursts have been less over the past few years, my negativity has been a bigger issue. Since I've been introduce to Marriage Builders, I seen the damage this behavior has caused and have begun changing and she has noticed the change

I hope you are keeping in mind that any angry outbursts during this time is only going to make things worse.

Marriage counselors really don't know what they are doing when an affair is concerned.

Steve Harley (Dr. Harley's son) told me (no affair involved at the time) that every time my wife and I had a problem, my disrespect and angry outbursts changed the situation and covered up the problem - my love busters would become the only problem my wife would be willing to deal with, and my complaint would be lost. He was right.

Do not use angry outbursts as a tool to fix this horrible situation, or your wife will never be willing to deal with the real problem - her affair.

Can you make them NONE (not just less) immediately?

Probably not since most marriage counselors don't really understand the dynamics of a situation where one spouse is having an affair.

I would NOT give her space, and I would NOT have any more angry outbursts, and I would not see this marriage counselor again since it's useless with an affair going on.

MelodyLane asked a question: are your angry outbursts putting your wife in danger?

No, I don't feel that my angry outburst endanger my wife.

Let me restate my comment about my angry outbursts diminishing over the past few years. Since I began reading the marriage builder books, I have learn to eliminate angry outburst as well as selfish demand and disrespectful judgements, but I know that I have to continue on this path to make it a habit.

I have been more open and honest, caring and have focus on listening to her. I have begun giving her a hug every morning and evening while telling her "I Love You" and send her a love quote every morning via text (my wife loves affection).

I actually discussed with her Wednesday night that I knew she was still in contact with this gentlemen, explained to her how I felt (hurt and disappointed) and did not pass judgement on her behavior.

This discussion spawned a 30 minute talk at 4:30 Thursday morning and I feel actually opened up our lines of communications.

I will continue to follow what I have learned from Marriage Builders, please pray for us.

Tmnh, I'm glad you are addressing your AO (anger outburst).

However, you CAN pass judgement on her behaviour. Your AO history does not mean you have to roll over and "not judge" her for an affair! Remember, this is about controlling your own issues BUT standing up for what's right and not accepting her abuse either.

You can, without anger, let her know that her behaviour is wrong, and then continue with the methods in Surviving an Affair which is a nuclear exposure to show her that you mean business - WITHOUT the AO.

I'm not saying that I'm not passing judgement, I'm just not doing it disrespectfully.

When we talked Tuesday night, I was open and honest with her without getting angry (I have to admit it felt great) and plan to continue to do so.

Most people have commented that I should "get the evidence". How much do I need before I can sit down and discuss it with her?

What snooping do you have in place and what evidence do you have?

This is all good -- in addition to this, you must fight the affair. As others are saying, gather your evidence, and prepare to expose the affair.

Do you have the Marriage Builders book on this? (Surviving an Affair)

Do not separate, then.

Do you feel you can get through all of this without having a single angry outburst?

I have the text activity records from our cell phone provider , I have checked her web history and I am in the process of applying web tracking software to our P.C. at home.

I do not have any actual messages.

Absolutely.

I think she is quite surprise that I have changed so quickly

We discussed it during our last counseling session and of course she is suspect, i.e. how can someone change that quickly in 2 weeks.

I explained that only my continued actions will show her that I have changed.

I truly do love her deeply but am concern that my love bank will be overdrawn if I can not get my emotional needs met.

No I don't have the book, but have been studying the information on the web site and have a good understanding of what needs to take place.

I still struggling with what type of evidence to gather, it difficult securing actual messages, etc.

As you can imagine, she doesn't leave her cell phone laying around and has changed her Facebook and Email passwords.

Two weeks is not a long time, so her suspicion is understandable. Don't slip on up this.


Get to your doctor and have him prescribe an anti-depressant for you. It will help you get through and do what you need to do.

Is she talking to this OM as well? Because if so, putting a VAR in the car is a great idea as well.

How far does this OM live from you and is he married?

We live in Virginia, he lives in Ohio, about 300 miles away and yes he is married and accordingly to my wife happily (which if were the case I don't he'd be texting my wife all hours of the day)

No she primarily uses electronic forms of communication (facebook, text and emails)

This is good and will help you later.

Get the keylogger on the devices she uses ASAP. What type of phone and is it password locked?

Well I installed the keystroke software and it take long to find out what was going on and it wasn't even the man I thought it was.

She had actually planned to meet him in a few weeks in west virginia when I went to see my mother in South Carolina.

I took the information I had and confronted her, explained the facts I had and she didn't deny anything (how could she).

Unfortunately our marriage is over. Most of what I read really showed how much she has learned to dislike me (I'm uncaring, not affectionate, cold)

The next step will be to tell our kids which will be done on Sunday.

I have to commit that Dr. Harley was spot on about my wife's emotional needs and what would happen if they are not fulfilled.

I have learned alot in this journey and have a lot more to learn.

Thanks to everyone for their support.

Tmnh, I am sorry you have uncovered an affair.

Did you want to save your marriage?

I would also strongly urge you to expose the affair to friends, family, any children over age 4 and the OM's wife, family and friends. You should do everything in your power to run that rat off so your children are not stuck with him in the future.. Go read the thread in my signature about how to expose.

I am sorry you made the decision to end your marriage but that is your right. Just do your best to kill her affair.

Make sure that SHE is not there when you tell them all about her affair. Be sure and give them the full and complete name of that rat so they will know who the enemy is. They need to know their family is being destroyed so their mother can pursue her filthy affair.

How did you do such a dramatic leap from wanting to save your marriage to just giving up today?? What has changed?

Sorry for your news.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

Who is on your exposure list?

It was not my decision, it was hersm. things have already been to change. This morning the OM sent an email to my wife for me, which she let me read.

Basically it said that he wouldn't have been in the picture if I had done my job as a husband (somewhat true) and that he was backing off to give my wife and I chance to work things out.

Concerning separation, she now wants to wait until after the first of the year.

I plan on telling my kids ( ages 18 and 20) tomorrow and some of the people we work with. The OM is not married and wouldn't know how to contact his kids.

But apparently you have agreed with this. So you don't even want to save your marriage? Is there a reason why you won't fight to save your marriage?

That's really nice of you to roll over and allow the OM to destroy your marriage and family. Do you think that is the right thing to do?

This is not your wife. This is a addict who is pushing you around and apparently, you've decided to go along with this.

You may be thinking, I want nothing to do with this woman!

You have to get her to put down the crackpipe. You kill the affair, and THEN you decide if you want to D or not.

In late September I learned that my wife of 20 years was having an affair. I immediately exposed the affair to our kids (ages 20 and 18) and our friends at work (we work at the same company, but the OM doesn't).

We both agreed to separate, I have hired an attorney and changed all the accounts so she can not get access to my finances. She moves out this Thursday.

I do know at this point she has no plans to end the affair and is in constant contact with the OM using her laptop (he lives in another state). I also know that she plans to spend the upcoming holidays with him, though she has denied it.

Since I found out about the affair, things between have been quite friendly and I think I may have been too accommodating towards her.

My question is what type of contact, if any, should I have with her once we separate? Should I avoid any contact what so ever?

Hi Yankee, I would plan to stay in contact with her up to 2 years. If she doesnt' end her affair within 2 years, it is probably hopeless.

Is the OM married and did you expose the affair to all his family and friends?

He is divorced.

Have you verified that independently? And have you exposed to his parents and other family and friends? Does he have a facebook page?

Exposing to the OM's family is a powerful weapon against the affair because she won't be able to show her face in many circles. They have a plan to ease her into his family and introduce her as a divorced woman [with a abusive husband, of course]. Exposure to his family will ruin the future of her affair. And that is what you want to do.

I know that he has a facebook page, but since he lives in another state, it would be difficult to expose him to his family and friends

It's really not difficult at all. If he has a facebook page you can send his family and friends private messages as outlined in my exposure thread. Have you read the thread in my signature?

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret for them only serves to enable the affair. Surely you don't want to be the enabler of the OM and your wife?

Yankee, the internet makes its hugely simple. Google his name. Go to intelius.com and plug in his name. It will bring up his name and associated names. Those names will be family members. You can get physical addresses for them for a small fee.

I exposed from across an ocean. If I can do that, you can do it in a different state.

Ruining their future plans to introduce her as a poor abused wife who got divorced and then found her hero in OM is absolutely your best shot.

If they have NOWHERE to go, that ruins that fantasy.

How much support did you get from her side?

Do you understand how to Plan A, meet her needs while unapologetically slaying the A?

I'd say you have good instincts because you got off to a good start by keeping it good between the two of you as you exposed.

Are you sure?

When? Are you sure your wife had nothing to do with the divorce?

Did he divorce his wife for a different OW?

Facts like these can help you show his true colours.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread. Thank you.