Okay, I've been reading about this forum and I am ready to get some feedback. I will start first by stating that we are somewhat nontraditional. While we have been married for 7 years, we have also practiced an alternative lifestyle (LS) that is a big cause of our issues, however it isn't the sole source.

WW and I have known each other for 17 years, dated for 3, married for 7. Almost from the beginning we started going to swing clubs and experimenting. This was something I did in a previous relationship and she knew about it. For the most part we had a set of hard rules that include CC with each other, nothing outside of the parties, and if one wants out then we both get out of the LS. WW gave me free reign to do what I wanted, but I knew she was doing it to please me. We met some cool people, and did some interesting things, but in the end, it wasn't worth the head and heartaches.

About 2 years ago, one couple we knew from the LS were having problems. WW liked the OM, but never did anything. Earlier this year, OM files for divorce, but it never materialized. WW starts to hang with him at the clubs. One thing leads to another and they have sex, but everything is contained in the clubs. OM starts texting WW with my knowledge. I take a trip in March and WW & OM have PA. DDay1 happens soon after and we agree that OM is a POS, but they remain in contact. Over the summer, they continue EA & PA. WW attitude changes and starts to hide things. Finally one night at a regular club with OM was at, I confronted her. Things go sideways. WW admits to ongoing EA/PA, that she loves him but loves me too. She says that she doesn't feel the same about me as she used to (ILYBNILWY).

Right after DDay2, I delete all of our LS related sites. It was not worth the problems we are having. We are going to counseling, but she has severe issues. FIL passed away a year ago and WW becomes emotionally distant. Her ENs were not being met by me, with is why the OM was able to exploit her and get into our lives. I have gone to my therapist, but WW hasn't done so as of yet. I am pretty certain the POSOM and WW are still in contact, but she denies it. I don't believe in divorce, but WW has gone to a high price family lawyer this past week. We are living together, but she has moved into a back bedroom. We can talk and banter and best buds, but when we try to communicate it gets bad. I have done a lot to change myself for the better, but I know it will be a long road to recovery. I don't want to lose her, but I am not sure we can survive this without help.

Hi Depeche, welcome to Marriage Builders. When I began reading your post, I knew how this was going to end, just like all the others over the years: the husband gets the couple into a swingers lifestyle and the wife ends up falling in love with one of her affair partners. See, a woman needs 2 things to desire sex with a man, an emotional attachment and the prospect of sexual enjoyment. Having sex just for the sake of having sex is not that appealing to most women, which is why there are so many situations just like yours.

The best advice I can give you is to get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. You will want to focus on Plan A specifically.

I would go to her and tell her you are so sorry for getting her into a swinging lifestyle and propose to her a happy, romantic, exclusive marriage. She will probably tell you to take a hike but you will have planted a seed. You have time to work on filling her lovebank by showing her that you can be a caring, loving husband who will be faithful in the future.

Welcome to MB, Depeche.

You encouraged your wife to have sex with other men, and she did so. Didn't you have any idea that she might find a man he wanted to stay with, and that swinging was a risk to your marriage?

Depeche, welcome to MB. Sorry to hear that you have been so breath-takingly cavalier with the sanctity of marriage. What the HELL were you thinking!!?? SWINGING??? Are you kidding me?????

And now you find yourself in a place that a blind person could have called: she's in love with someone else. DUH!

She doesn't have severe issues. I'm sorry to sound mean, but everyone's father dies. They deal with it. They don't have affairs. It doesn't damage a solid marriage.

Do you understand that your swinging lifestyle has been a poison to your marriage? Do you understand that you can NEVER engage in this lifestyle again?

Who is the OM?

I can't improve on this advice.

She sacrificed for your 'happiness' to the extent she was loaning herself out like a party favour.

When this happens, an emotional hole is created and a helpful fellow swinger usually swoops in like a vulture to take advantage.

She doesn't have any issues or grief, this is what ALWAYS happens to women who try to swing to please their partner.

You have hit several points that I have come to understand. I have just gotten a copy of the book and plan to read it this week.

As for the LS, we have both agreed to exit it and said goodbye to everything connected to it. Our profiles, websites, emails have all been deleted and we have moved on from there. I have no intention of going back regardless of what happens to us. I have said so much to her and even showed her how I was deleting everything.

I am working on filling her lovebank and meeting her ENs as we speak, but I also know it is going to be a long process. I have told her in person, in the counseling and in writing that I want us to work on our marriage and move forward together as the married couple we should be.

It is easier to answer these in one quoted post.

Yes, I know that we can never, nor do we ever want to participate in the LS ever again. I have taken great steps to move us away from that and hope that we can rebuild our relationship, starting with being a friend to each other once more. I do regret getting us involved, and once I discovered DDay1, I should have ended everything then. I can't undo the past, but I can move forward and hope to make things better. I did recognized the risk involved in the LS, but we always had a kill option that either of us could exercise at anytime. It took the DDay2 to make me do so.

As for the OM, he was someone we met in the LS that is still married to his wife. They have their own problems, but he was charming enough to get into her emotional life and caused a lot of strife between us. Exposing him does no good (they are swingers), and he has stated that he won't change for any person ever again. He is very good at lying (as evident from the two DDays), but as far as I know there has been NC between them, although I suspect there has been texting going on.

As for her issues, yes, she does have personal issues that even she acknowledges. Her anger is great in that I wasn't there with certain things happened in her life. She is afraid that I am going to abandon her again in any time of need. I am trying not to do so. As for her guilt over the death of her father, she and her mother had to agonize over the decision to pull the pull. It placed a lot of pressure on her and she has yet to recover. She admitted that in our counseling. The fact I wasn't there when he passed (I was en route), is something she is holding on to against me. Other issues that she has stated were as simple as that we are not in the same location as her parents, a longing to be closer to her family, and things that are outside of our control. For example, she simply hates her job here and while I try to encourage and find her something new, she hasn't actively sought a better, more fulfilling position. I do believe she is dealing with some form of depression, but refuses to address it professionally. I have seen my own therapist and am dealing with my own issues.

Depeche

Exposing him does no good (they are swingers), and he has stated that he won't change for any person ever again.

Actually many swingers brag that they are normal everyday people who go to church, have jobs, children. Exposure to the people who do not know he is a swinger will be very effective.

But this isn't about swinging either but about a man who had an affair with your WW.

You are under no obligation to continue to respect the secrecy of a community which has destroyed your marriage.

God Bless
Gamma