I am to the point that I don't know what to do anymore. Two years ago I found out that my husband had been having an affair the entire time we were dating, and they broke it off when I found out I was pregnant. This was about two years into our relationship. I found the pictures and videos he had taken when my daughter was three weeks old. After threatening to leave him, he finally told me it was a one time thing. After going to marriage counseling, he admitted it was an ongoing affair, when they were not seeing another they were having a cyber affair. This spring I found nude pictures of her in his email, he swore that they were old pictures, even though the date shows they were a week old. Then the beginning of this summer I found a memory card in his wallet full of videos of him with the same girl. The date on the videos said they were from 6months previous. My daughters name was tattooed on his forearm and he was wearing his wedding ring. Now I feel used. I have stuck with him, even of at times it was because we have a child together. Last week. He went on a business trip, and when he returned I found texts in his phone insinuating that he had tried to get a girl to sleep with him. When I confronted him, he claimed that he had put those texts into his phone sent to a fake number to see if I was "snooping" through his things again. I feel as if i have every right to look through his phone because of what he has done. He has no proof that he had planted the texts, and due to his past, I chose to kick him out. He has been gone for a week, and we are trying to get back together. But how can I trust him anymore? He says that the reason he started the affair again was because I was too wrapped up in our daughter, then one and a half. Maybe i was, but I feel as if he should have talked to me instead of going back to his old lover. I do love him, but i don't know if we can make this work. His second affair happened after we went to counseling. I just don't know what to do anymore. Ill accept any advice anyone can give me.
You did the right thing by kicking him out.
You are allowing him to face the natural consequences of his actions.
Others will come along soon and discuss how to kill the affair.
I encourage you to see an attorney immediately. You need to protect your legal rights. File for separation, and child support.
Thank you HDW for the advice. I have been feeling for about the past year that I needed to leave him, but i am still in love with him. I'm so lost and hurt right now. In order to get him to actually leave, I told him that I don't. Want this separation to be permanent, that i wanted to save our marriage. Which I do. But i am afraid that nothing will change. He does not want to admit he did anything wrong, but i feel as if he is trying to put all the blame on me.
MB has a program that may save your marriage.
The first step is to kill the affair through exposure. Expos� to the other woman's friend, spouse and family and your friends and family.
I encourage you to speak with an attorney because you need to be protected in this situation. You need child support and orders to protect marital assets.
Others will be along soon to help you with exposure.
Right now he is in a different state than us. We happened to be staying at my parents house while he was on his business trip, so when I found out I made him find his own way back to the state we live in, because we had driven in my car. All my daughter and I have are a few clothes. Everything else is at our home, 9 hours from here. I don't think he would do anything, but then again I never expected him to be constantly cheating on me.
Right now he is in a different state than us. We happened to be staying at my parents house while he was on his business trip, so when I found out I made him find his own way back to the state we live in, because we had driven in my car. All my daughter and I have are a few clothes. Everything else is at our home, 9 hours from here. I don't think he would do anything, but then again I never expected him to be constantly cheating on me.
Welcome to MB.
Who is this OW? Is she married? Do you want to save this marriage? How old are the both of you? He will have to quit that traveling job if you were to recover.
Read this
Exposure 101
Hello BrainHurts. The OW (other woman, right?) Is someone he claims as his best friend. They had me so convinced nothing was going on between them that I let her become a close friend of mine too. He claims the reason he kept sleeping with her is because he loves her and cant resist her. He says that is why he took this job in the first place and moved us to another state, away from my family and everyone I know, because if he sees her again he knows they will start up the affair again. She is not married, but has a live in boyfriend.
I do want to save my marriage, but right now I cant tell if its because I want to be with him or if its because i do not want my daughter to grow up without her father.
I am 26, those is my second marriage. I left my first husband When I found out he had a girlfriend and she was pregnant. My husband is 35, I am his third wife.
Hello BrainHurts. The OW (other woman, right?) Is someone he claims as his best friend. They had me so convinced nothing was going on between them that I let her become a close friend of mine too. He claims the reason he kept sleeping with her is because he loves her and cant resist her. He says that is why he took this job in the first place and moved us to another state, away from my family and everyone I know, because if he sees her again he knows they will start up the affair again. She is not married, but has a live in boyfriend.
I do want to save my marriage, but right now I cant tell if its because I want to be with him or if its because i do not want my daughter to grow up without her father.
I am 26, those is my second marriage. I left my first husband When I found out he had a girlfriend and she was pregnant. My husband is 35, I am his third wife.
Did you read the exposure link I posted to you?
Ok so if you want to save your marriage the first thing you need to do is expose this affair.
Does OW have facebook? Go and copy and paste all of her friends and save it for later.
You need a plan to expose all at once. Are you ready to do this?
I don't know if I can do this. My family knows (obviously) and some of my friends. But I don't know if i can tell everyone. He has begged me not to tell his family. And I'm worried that if i expose both of them, that he will run right back to her arms.
You NEED to Expos�.
Otherwise you are enabling his behavior
I copied all of her friends. Nice to see that she is friends with my father -in-law and brother-in-law. Why should I expose her if she has not done anything to me that I know about for the last almost-year? I confronted her right after I found out about the second affair on Facebook, and not ten minutes later I got a call from my husband yelling at me. I basically told him it was none of his business, and kept sending her messages threatening to send copies of the videos to her boyfriend. She begged me not to ruin her life. I know that if I expose both of them now, I will feel guilty for ruining her life. After reading a lot of the MB writings about infidelity, I know that I am considered a giver. I already feel horribly guilty about leaving him, but even his best friend says I'm doing the right thing. But I don't know if I can handle exposing them. I don't want people to look at me and know I can't keep a man from cheating on me. I don't want that pity
You help people by allowing them to face natural consequences.
I copied all of her friends. Nice to see that she is friends with my father -in-law and brother-in-law. Why should I expose her if she has not done anything to me that I know about for the last almost-year? I confronted her right after I found out about the second affair on Facebook, and not ten minutes later I got a call from my husband yelling at me. I basically told him it was none of his business, and kept sending her messages threatening to send copies of the videos to her boyfriend. She begged me not to ruin her life. I know that if I expose both of them now, I will feel guilty for ruining her life. After reading a lot of the MB writings about infidelity, I know that I am considered a giver. I already feel horribly guilty about leaving him, but even his best friend says I'm doing the right thing. But I don't know if I can handle exposing them. I don't want people to look at me and know I can't keep a man from cheating on me. I don't want that pity
They are the ones that did this and the fallout from exposure are consequences from their choice to have an affair. You didn't do this, they did.
Her boyfriend has a right to know about his life.
Keep up the momentum on exposure! You should feel NO GUILT for exposing, as the everwise BrainHurts said, it is a consequence to their affair, not to your exposure.
And why ON EARTH would you feel guilty for ruining this POSOW's life??? YOU are not ruining her life. She is the one who chose to have an ongoing LTA with YOUR HUSBAND, if anyone ruined her life it is her. Meanwhile you, the innocent wife at home, also had your life ruined by no fault of your own. No choice of your own.
Don't you feel a single bit guilty about exposure. You are doing what you need to do to end this affair and protect your marriage and family. Her welfare is of no concern to you, just as your welfare was never of any concern to her.
Last week. He went on a business trip, and when he returned I found texts in his phone insinuating that he had tried to get a girl to sleep with him. When I confronted him, he claimed that he had put those texts into his phone sent to a fake number to see if I was "snooping" through his things again.
FYI This is such a standard wayward lie to cover up an infidelity, he might want to get more creative next time. I bet the vets on this board have heard this exact same sentence hundreds of times.
I feel as if i have every right to look through his phone because of what he has done. He has no proof that he had planted the texts, and due to his past, I chose to kick him out.
You DO have every right to look through his phone. You are his wife and there should be no secrets between the two of you. He should have a life that is completely transparent, regardless of whether he has had an affair or not, but even more so since he has. The fact that he doesn't is a big red flag.
He has been gone for a week, and we are trying to get back together. But how can I trust him anymore?
Dr Harley says that you should not have trusted him in the first place. He believes that all people are wired for an affair, and if the conditions are right will have one. That is why you need to set up your marriage in a way that does not allow an affair to be possible. Such as having complete transparancy with each other.
He says that the reason he started the affair again was because I was too wrapped up in our daughter, then one and a half. Maybe i was, but I feel as if he should have talked to me instead of going back to his old lover.
You are 100% responsible for YOUR PART in creating a marriage that was ripe for an affair, but you are 0% responsible for his choice to have one. Never let him convince you that you have responsibility for his choice to engage in an affair.
Yes we are married. Our third anniversary is later this month.
Hello BrainHurts. The OW (other woman, right?) Is someone he claims as his best friend. They had me so convinced nothing was going on between them that I let her become a close friend of mine too.
If you are to recover your marriage and affair proof it in the future, this is one thing that will need to change. Your WH (wayward husband) can have NO OS (opposite sex) friends. None.
I am 26, those is my second marriage. I left my first husband When I found out he had a girlfriend and she was pregnant. My husband is 35, I am his third wife.
Do you know how his other marriages ended? Were you with him prior to his last divorce?
I am going to try my best not to feel guilty through all this, its just hard not to. My husband told me the reason the affair began in the first place is because I refused to have a threesome with him and the OW. Said if he can't have us together he will have us apart. Y'all are right, I need to expose the affair. Im going to tell her boyfriend and his family. I would have rather been told of the affair rather than finding the videos that I did. He has got his family believing that I am just on an extended visit with my family. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living a lie
I am going to try my best not to feel guilty through all this, its just hard not to. My husband told me the reason the affair began in the first place is because I refused to have a threesome with him and the OW. Said if he can't have us together he will have us apart. Y'all are right, I need to expose the affair. Im going to tell her boyfriend and his family. I would have rather been told of the affair rather than finding the videos that I did. He has got his family believing that I am just on an extended visit with my family. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living a lie
How did his other 2 marriages end?
Get your exposure list together and do it all at once. Get your facebook exposure messages all ready and space them out.
Tell us your exposure list. When are you doing this, tonight?
I am going to try my best not to feel guilty through all this, its just hard not to. My husband told me the reason the affair began in the first place is because I refused to have a threesome with him and the OW. Said if he can't have us together he will have us apart. Y'all are right, I need to expose the affair. Im going to tell her boyfriend and his family. I would have rather been told of the affair rather than finding the videos that I did. He has got his family believing that I am just on an extended visit with my family. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living a lie
Do you have a way you can upload some evidence to a website and give them all a link? That way the infidels cannot deny the affair. There are instructions on my exposure thread [link in my signature] on how to set up such a website. Please go and read my thread for exposure instructions.
Thank you for defining the terms. All these letter acronyms are a bit confusing. I do not know how his first marriage ended. I did know him when he was going thru his second divorce. I was still married to my first husband. We were in college classes together. I graduated, and we didn't see each other for almost a year, then ran into each other somewhere after we were both divorced. His second ,marriage ended because his ex did not want their child, did not want to work, or do anything to be considered a wife. She is pretty much still that way. He did admit to me that I am the only one he has ever been in a committed relationship with and cheated.
You need to STOP listening to his fogbabble. It is not a reasonable request for a husband to ask the wife that he is supposed to love and protect to have a threesome with himself and his POSOW. In fact, it is completely self serving, disrespectful and downright cruel to ask you to do that. You understand that don't you?
So why would you feel guilty for telling him NO, and why would you consider for a moment that your doing so gave him justification to have sex with another woman.
No guilt. His choice.
I am going to try my best not to feel guilty through all this, its just hard not to.
You are not the one having an affair, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
My husband told me the reason the affair began in the first place is because I refused to have a threesome with him and the OW.
I would not go back to a man who asked you to do this. That is despicable. And it's even more despicable that he would act like this is some normal thing you should have done and that somehow not going along with this disgusting suggestion makes you responsible for his affair!
A "threesome" would have also been an affair. So basically he told you he had already decided to have an affair, and gave you the choice of whether you wanted to witness it or not. For him to somehow blame this decision on you is ridiculous.
Thank you for defining the terms. All these letter acronyms are a bit confusing. I do not know how his first marriage ended. I did know him when he was going thru his second divorce. I was still married to my first husband. We were in college classes together. I graduated, and we didn't see each other for almost a year, then ran into each other somewhere after we were both divorced. His second ,marriage ended because his ex did not want their child, did not want to work, or do anything to be considered a wife. She is pretty much still that way. He did admit to me that I am the only one he has ever been in a committed relationship with and cheated.
Here
Acronyms and Abbreviations
All my picture and video evidence is at my house in Oklahoma, and I am stuck in Texas. He is at our home, and has already told me that he knows I still have the videos and unless I promise to destroy them, I ,right as well stay in Texas. Besides, I don't really want anyone see them, I would consider them hardcore pornography. But I do have emails....
I cannot do this tonight, I have to go to work. I picked up spots at my old job bartendng while I am here. Have to make money to support my daughter and I somehow.
Do not tell him where the videos are at, do not destroy them, do not promise him you will destroy them, do not let him dictate what you do by threatening you. Even if you don't want anyone to see them you do not want to destroy evidence.
And I am sorry you have had to suffer from two marriages wrought with infidelity at such a young age. You do not deserve it.
Thank you unwritten. I'm not going to get rid of my proof, that would be plain stupid
Thank you unwritten. I'm not going to get rid of my proof, that would be plain stupid
So when can you expose?
You made a copy of OW's facebook friends, correct?
I'm going to send an email to my inlaws and to OWBF soon. Unfortunately I don't know when I will be able to get to my proof. Yes, I copied all of her friends on FB
I'm going to send an email to my inlaws and to OWBF soon. Unfortunately I don't know when I will be able to get to my proof. Yes, I copied all of her friends on FB
You have the emails, correct?
The videos are home, safe? Or does he know where they are at?
Do not send the emails until you're ready to do it all at once. Exposure must be done all at once, not trickled.
I have the videos on a memory card hidden at my house, so it will be a while until I can get to it. I'm just praying he dosent find it. So it would be bad to send the emails without having my photo proof?
I have the videos on a memory card hidden at my house, so it will be a while until I can get to it. I'm just praying he dosent find it. So it would be bad to send the emails without having my photo proof?
You have email proof, correct? That will be the evidence you offer up in your exposure letter. You tell them you have proof if they would like to see it.
What I meant, is do not send the email to your family and OWBF until you're ready to do the whole exposure at once. Do your exposure all at once. Send your emails all at once.
I have email proof of the first affair. The second time all I have are videos. So I guess I'm going to be waiting until I get the card. Sigh. I am not looking forward to this at all.
I have email proof of the first affair. The second time all I have are videos. So I guess I'm going to be waiting until I get the card. Sigh. I am not looking forward to this at all.
No. You have enough to expose now.
Put your list together and sit down to expose.
Your family, WH's family, OW's family and OWBF and your children, and any friends who have influence over him and as many of OW's Facebook friends you can hit.
Yes you need to expose all at once.
BH, can you post a sample Facebook exposure letter?
This Is what I used when I exposed my wife's affair.
Just copy and paste the letter.
When on Facebook you need to send the messages a couple minutes apart, otherwise Facebook will block you.
He will be furious at first. Plan on it.
But exposure is the most effective action in destroying affairs
If you have emails to some of your exposure targets, you can use those instead of FB, to avoid further chance of being blocked by FB.
Yes you need to expose all at once.
BH, can you post a sample Facebook exposure letter?
This Is what I used when I exposed my wife's affair.
Just copy and paste the letter.
When on Facebook you need to send the messages a couple minutes apart, otherwise Facebook will block you.
He will be furious at first. Plan on it.
But exposure is the most effective action in destroying affairs
Sure thing.
FB or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
Warmest regards,
Also this.
FB exposure letters to OP's contacts
Should be done to the OP�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP�s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.
Dear friend of JoeScumbag:
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BH
***********************
Dear friend of Skankyhola,
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW
_________________________
Even if the affair ended a year ago?
Even if the affair ended a year ago?
Yes, because it hasn't. They are still sending naked pictures as of a week ago.
Expose.
I guess I misexplained that. He has not (to my knowledge) had contact with her since may. I confronted her and said if she ever talked to him again I would expose them. As far as I know, that scared her straight. Last week I found messages on his phone to someone else. Since I have been
Posting tonight I found an email to a different girl. The girl with the affair has not done anything that I am aware of
I guess I misexplained that. He has not (to my knowledge) had contact with her since may. I confronted her and said if she ever talked to him again I would expose them. As far as I know, that scared her straight. Last week I found messages on his phone to someone else. Since I have been
Posting tonight I found an email to a different girl. The girl with the affair has not done anything that I am aware of
Gotcha.
Ok but all his OW should be exposed if they were married.
I would concentrate mostly on this new OW2 or OW3.
Was OW1 married?
No, OW1 is not married, she has a live in boyfriend. I do not know names od OW2 and OW3. Based on what I read, they are strippers he met on his business trip last week. I doubt he told them hes married. OW2 phone number is not working, so I guess she gave him a bad number on purpose. I sent an email to the OW3 but have not gotten a response back. My husband claims that the messages to OW2 are fakes he put in his phone to see if I was snooping. He does not know I found the email to OW3 today. I wanted to see if a real person responded to me. I know he say it is also a fake. But when I first confronted him about the texts, it took him 20 mins to do anything than say 'I don't know'. Then he came blew up at me saying he did it to see if I trusted him. Said I need serious psychiatric help.
No, OW1 is not married, she has a live in boyfriend. I do not know names od OW2 and OW3. Based on what I read, they are strippers he met on his business trip last week. I doubt he told them hes married. OW2 phone number is not working, so I guess she gave him a bad number on purpose. I sent an email to the OW3 but have not gotten a response back. My husband claims that the messages to OW2 are fakes he put in his phone to see if I was snooping. He does not know I found the email to OW3 today. I wanted to see if a real person responded to me. I know he say it is also a fake. But when I first confronted him about the texts, it took him 20 mins to do anything than say 'I don't know'. Then he came blew up at me saying he did it to see if I trusted him. Said I need serious psychiatric help.
Don't listen to his gaslighting. Read this.
Please explain GasLighting So you only have OW1's information? Is there anyway to get OW2 and OW3's info?
I don't think I can get their info.
Oh my god, the gaslighting is completely my husband. He and I are always arguing over things he says never happened.
Oh my god, the gaslighting is completely my husband. He and I are always arguing over things he says never happened.
Ok let me sum this up and correct me where I may be wrong.
He had an affair with OW1, but NC since May. You never exposed to OW1's BF because she promised to stop and so far this may be true.
Then you find OW2 and OW3's naked pictures and emails as of last week. They are strippers he met on his business travel. The video proof you have is back home on a flash drive you have stashed but you don't have on you.
You are planning to expose him about all women, but you will let OW1's BF know and there is no way to find out who OW2 and OW3 are.
Does that about cover it?
Have you tried looking up their phone numbers?
Not naked pictures of OW2&3, texts and emails. He claims to have "planted" them to see if I was looking through his things. However I do not believe that. Everything else is correct. I want to make my marriage work, we have a toddler that I don't want hurt in this whole ordeal. I feel stupid and used.
Not naked pictures of OW2&3, texts and emails. He claims to have "planted" them to see if I was looking through his things. However I do not believe that. Everything else is correct. I want to make my marriage work, we have a toddler that I don't want hurt in this whole ordeal. I feel stupid and used.
Ok so from the emails can you gather OW2&3's information?
I would get the exposure done as soon as possible. When it implodes on him you tell him that he needs to quit his traveling job and live a completely transparent life to remain in this marriage.
We understand how you feel. Waywards are very selfish people addicted to their drug, the affair.
My husband and I have been doing alot of talking lately, he has agreed to go to marriage counseling, and I am going to go home on Tuesday.
My husband and I have been doing alot of talking lately, he has agreed to go to marriage counseling, and I am going to go home on Tuesday.
Marriage counseling has a 84% failure rate. Can you do MB coaching?
You're not going to expose?
My husband and I have been doing alot of talking lately, he has agreed to go to marriage counseling, and I am going to go home on Tuesday.
Marriage counseling has a 84% failure rate. Can you do MB coaching?
You're not going to expose?
x2. I agree with Brainhurts, MB coaching with one of the Harleys would benefit your marriage. They have a success rate and specialise in helping couples survive and affair and build a better marriage based on romantic love and honesty. This woud be money well spent and your marriage will have a better chance of recovery than seeing a marriage counsellor who can actually harm your recovery.
I did not know MB had marriage coaching. I am going to look into that, I would rather do that, because marriage counseling has failed us before.
Thats a great decision. You can find information on the MB website about the counselling offered by the Harleys.
Thats a great decision. You can find information on the MB website about the counselling offered by the Harleys.
Yes here you go.
The Marriage Builder's Coaching Center
My husband and I have been together for 6 years now. Shortly after our 3yr old daughter was born, I found out he had been having an affair, off and on again since we first started dating. This was three years into our relationship. He says he ended the affair (one was his best friends widow, another was his son's (my step-son) babysitter) when he found out I was pregnant. My husband seems to like to take photographic evidence of his affairs, and finding these pictures and videos is how I found out about the other women. I struggled with staying or leaving, but decided to stay for the sake of my newborn daughter. A year later I found more videos of him having sex with the friends widow, these were taken after my daughters first birthday, I could tell because he got her name tattooed on his arm with her birthdate, and that was visible in the videos. I let him talk me into staying again. Then last year I found texts he had sent to strippers while he was on a business trip. I found out he had intended on having sec with one of them, but they never responded, so he does not consider it cheating. I stayed again for the sake of my daughter. The only time he confesses to cheating on me is if I can show him proof of the actions, but even with videos of him having sex with other women, he still tried to deny anything happened. He claims to have changed, and has not cheated on me in a year, but he is overprotective of his phone, and is working long hours now. I know he eats at Hooters, Twin Peaks, or Bikinis every day for lunch. I try to tell him how that makes me feel, but he does it anyways. He also has more porn on his phone than pictures of me and/or our little girl. Because of some internal organ problems I have been having, the past two months it really hurts me to have sex. I try to please him in other ways, but I believe he is cheating on me again. I have begged and begged him to just tell me if he is cheating rather than lying to me, but I know he won't. He says he loves me and is terrified of losing me, but I'm afraid that now I have just taught him that he can do whatever he wants, that I won't leave. Do I believe him that he is being faithful to me? Help!! I just need someone to talk to. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and to get advise from.
You already know he is cheating on you. You have enough evidence for a jury!
You know he is doing it and you have decided to accept and support him in his cheating. Turning a very unconvincing blind eye.
Otherwise you would have packed up his stuff already.
Gotten STD tested recently?
Welcome to MB.
Given your WH's history of infidelity and the fact that he is overprotective of his phone and working longer hours both
he is more than likely having an A.
Have you read "Start Here" at the beginning of this forum?
If not read through and the thread and post any questions you may have.
WhyT, as someone dealing with a serial cheat you are going to have to be super tough in order to beat this.
Are you willing to do that?
One of the first steps is exposure. Do as happyfuture suggests and read the material.
Then let us know what your exposure plan will look like (without telling your WH).
There is a slim chance for recovery if you act with a zero tolerance attitude, but I want you to understand there is NO chance if you carry on turning a blind eye and enabling this behaviour as you have been doing.
I do not have any proof that he is cheating again, just a gut feeling. He is a great father to our little girl, and I feel that it would not be fair to her to take her from her Daddy. He says he will never cheat, but I've heard that too many times before and it was a lie. He tells me how much he loves me, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Is it possible for someone to not be able to help but cheat, or can someone really change? We have been to marriage counseling on several different occasions, with it doing nothing but wasting money.
You DO have proof. He is sending texts to strippers for the love of sanity.
Yes of course counselling was a waste of money. He's a serial cheat who would simply have gone on and on about how the marriage was the problem not his cheating. Did he even get the therapist to encourage more trust?
We see a lot of that with serial cheats.
He is a great father to our little girl, and I feel that it would not be fair to her to take her from her Daddy.
Strippers, hooters and a porn phone is a great dad? I beg to differ. I have a great dad and he is a caring husband.
Girls marry their fathers. Especially if they are encouraged by their mother's example.
If you hold this guy up as an example of a 'great dad' to your little girl, she will think this is normal.
Do you want her to be dealing with her own serial cheat in a few years?
Wouldn't you rather TACKLE his addiction to cheating so he has a shot at being a great dad?
Have you read up on exposure yet?
The thing is, you HAVE taught him that he can do whatever he wants and you will stay with him. You admit this, correct? You said it would not be fair to "take her" from her daddy (divorce?) and subsequently try and rationalize this by saying maybe he can't help it or whatever.
You're going to have to be honest with yourself - are you willing to leave a man who is a serial cheater and who shows no effort at changing? You can try and save this but you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO unless you are willing to make the ultimate decision and leave IF he refuses to make substantial changes. If he can do whatever the hell he wants (videos!!!) and you will never leave him, then he will not change. End of.
Actually I would put some extra snooping measures in place before you expose.
Not to get PROOF, you already know what is going on.
But to see who he runs to when you expose and which OW is currently on the scene.
You would need to expose past infidelity even if there was no current affair going on.
But there is.
I'd get VARs and a GPS in his car. VARs in the home, spyware on PC and spyware on his phone to see what you are dealing with.
Dr H would tell you to separate based purely on the porn use and hooter visits.
That is massively abusive to you.
The texts were sent a year ago. I have not found anything since Halloween 2012. He claims he goes to those restaurants because he can get his paperwork done easier there than at home with DD running around. And he claims the porn is because I am unable to be intimate right now, but he has been looking at it since before I can remember. I tell him it hurts me, that it makes me feel like he'd rather be with these girls whose pictures he has rathe than me, but it doesn't change anything. I've been trying to turn a blind eye to it since I got sick.
Friend's widow
Babysitter (er, how old was she?)
Strippers ($)
You need to get an STD test ASAP and a polygraph. I would guarantee your husband is likely a customer of prostitutes as well in addition - I would suggest that this problem is far worse than you think, particularly on these business trips. Babysitter and friend's widow suggests a complete lack of moral boundaries.
What happened in his previous marriage/relationship? Was he still with her when you met him?
Correct, you have turned a blind eye. You do not go to Hooters for a quiet work environment, you realize how silly that sounds?
I've been trying to turn a blind eye to it since I got sick.
But it still hurts you.
Your being sick is no reason for him to behave like a horny teenager
I fear he has simply got better at hiding his infidelity and you know it.
You will now need to
A) Snoop like a bloodhound
B) Expose everything regarding past affairs as outlined on the exposure thread. Tell people you need their support.
C) AFTER this is done, insist he live a voluntarily transparent lifestyle where he willingly agrees to hide nothing.
The porn will either need to go or he does.
In answer to your question: How do I know if he's cheating again?
The answer is to follow the MB program!
Which you have not done, from your thread this time last year:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=167520&Number=2679049#Post2679049Are you willing to make radical changes in your own approach in order to try and save this or at least protect yourself from this abuse?
The babysitter was killed in a car wreck while I was pregnant.. She was 20 The widow I went and confronted, and promised to make her life a living hell if she ever contacted My H again. As for the strippers, I've taken away his credit cards, and taken his name off our primary account. There is one with his name on it, but with less than $50 in it. Every Monday I give him $50 cash to eat lunch on. That is all the money he gets. I figured this would be the easiest way to control the money. I also am constantly checking the bank accts to make sure he hasn't touched them. He is very bad with money, and spends it if he has access to it. As for the STD test, due to me being sick I have to get bloodwork done every week, along with multiple other tests. They have never said that I haw anything, but I know I was tested to see if that could be the problem
Everything had seemed to be better for about 6 months after my post last year. I had him reading the MB material, and he was being transparent with everything. Then it slowly started going back to how it was before
How do you put the part of a post you are talking about into the box in your reply? I'm starting to confuse myself.
I do not have any proof that he is cheating again, just a gut feeling. He is a great father to our little girl, and I feel that it would not be fair to her to take her from her Daddy. He says he will never cheat, but I've heard that too many times before and it was a lie. He tells me how much he loves me, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Is it possible for someone to not be able to help but cheat, or can someone really change? We have been to marriage counseling on several different occasions, with it doing nothing but wasting money.
What more proof do you need?
He says he will never cheat? He's a serial cheater and a liar!
Can someone really change? Yes.
Marriage counseling? To what end? What is the point? He likes to have sex with lots of women and enjoys it.
This is a terrible way to live and a terrible environment for your children
I think you should prepare for separation and Plan B immediately.
The babysitter was killed in a car wreck while I was pregnant.. She was 20 The widow I went and confronted, and promised to make her life a living hell if she ever contacted My H again. As for the strippers, I've taken away his credit cards, and taken his name off our primary account. There is one with his name on it, but with less than $50 in it. Every Monday I give him $50 cash to eat lunch on. That is all the money he gets. I figured this would be the easiest way to control the money. I also am constantly checking the bank accts to make sure he hasn't touched them. He is very bad with money, and spends it if he has access to it. As for the STD test, due to me being sick I have to get bloodwork done every week, along with multiple other tests. They have never said that I haw anything, but I know I was tested to see if that could be the problem
WT, I would ask them to test you for STDs. I don't think they do that automatically. I get blood tests all the time and they never test for that.
It sounds like he leads the kind of lifestyle that gives him alot of room to have affairs. That is the kiss of death with a serial cheater. It sounds like your husband is out looking for affairs and nothing will change unless he a) has a complete change of heart and b) makes his life SO transparent that he CAN'T cheat. For example, if you were together 24/7 he couldn't cheat. We have had others who started businesses together. You will probably have to do that if you want to recover.
If he won't make radical changes in his lifestyle, I would strongly urge you to get a divorce. Your husband is very dangerous to your mental health and physical health. A playah who is out looking for it tends to bring home STDs.
WhyThis,
and promised to make her life a living hell if she ever contacted My H again.
Do not threaten, warn or be indecisive expose all of his OW now completely and quickly. When done with his OW you need to expose WH.
You WH is a serial cheater who I'm going to guess is ultra charming when he wishes to be and uses this to avoid detection and make his victims addicted to him. He needs to be taught that his actions have consequences he needs to lose this one, you can't lay down and allow this to happen for the rest of your life.
In my experience a guy like this will continue to lie his entire life to whoever he is intimate with, and will sacrifice anyone to perpetuate his lifestyle.
God Bless
Gamma
How do you put the part of a post you are talking about into the box in your reply? I'm starting to confuse myself.
Do you see these buttons on the bottom of every post?
Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post
Click "quote" on the post you want, and the quote appears fully formed. Type your text above or below it. If you don't want to quote the whole post, take out the words you don't want but leave the brackets untouched.
Use the Preview feature to see what your finished post looks like, so that you can correct it before pressing Submit. Try it now.
How do you put the part of a post you are talking about into the box in your reply? I'm starting to confuse myself.
Do you see these buttons on the bottom of every post?
Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post
Click "quote" on the post you want, and the quote appears fully formed. Type your text above or below it. If you don't want to quote the whole post, take out the words you don't want but leave the brackets untouched.
Use the Preview feature to see what your finished post looks like, so that you can correct it before pressing Submit. Try it now.
thank you!!
Threads merged. Please stick to one thread. Thank you.
Did you ever expose as you were advised in the first thread? You said you were going to and then you abandoned that thread.
Did you ever expose as you were advised in the first thread? You said you were going to and then you abandoned that thread.
No, I did not. I panicked. I was afraid that if I exposed that he would be very mad, and our marriage would end then. I talked to him today, and laid out everything. He says he is not cheating on me, but understands why I believe it. He said that he goes to the resturants like that to have someone to talk to because the waitresses are so friendly. I don't really believe that one, but I wasn't going to push that too much. He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things. He has agreed to look at MB with me, and see what we can do to make out marriage better. He told me he is also starting to feel like we are more roommates than lovers. He said he is afraid to cuddle me or play without having sex because he is afraid to hurt me physically. I am usually in pain most days, and am having trouble walking even, so I understand why he's afraid to hurt me. Would it be a good idea to have him start a thread about how to change?
Have you been to a doctor to find out what is wrong? And what about STD testing?
None of his excuses will help your marriage recover. A married man should not be pursuing waitresses in the first place. He needs to stop spending any leisure time away from you. I would also expose all of his affairs and require him to take a polygraph. Keeping his affairs a secret is harmful to you both. Everyone shuold know he is a serial cheater.
He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things.
That won't be sufficient. He needs to make a radical change in his lifestyle in order to be safe. Saying he will "try" is not going to work. Here is what it will take:
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Have you been to a doctor to find out what is wrong? And what about STD testing?
I have been to many doctors, nobody quite knows what is going on. I have a meeting with a surgeon tomorrow to schedule gallbladder removal and exploratory surgery. Yes, STD testing was one of the first things they did when I got sick. My organs are shutting down, and they tested me for STD's to see if that could be a caus
No, I did not. I panicked. I was afraid that if I exposed that he would be very mad, and our marriage would end then.
Stop panicking. Start ACTING. Save your marriage, WT.
He said that he goes to the resturants like that to have someone to talk to because the waitresses are so friendly.
Waitresses are trained to be 'friendly' because they want money. Does he not understand that they couldn't care less about him? All they want is the tips. He can talk to you for FREE.
He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things
Wrong. HE needs to BE TRANSPARENT with you - not 'try' to be.
Until your WH chooses to make a radical change in his behavior you will be dealing with affair after affair.
WH and I spent the evening looking at the videos Dr. H has posted.
Did you ever expose as you were advised in the first thread? You said you were going to and then you abandoned that thread.
No, I did not. I panicked. I was afraid that if I exposed that he would be very mad, and our marriage would end then.
So you won't expose because you are more afraid of making him mad than tackling his addiction?
Your marriage can survive his temporary anger but it cannot survive this addiction of his.
When we keep an addict's terrible behaviour a secret, it helps them to stay in that addiction.
He can go sleep with a random woman at any time knowing a) you won't leave and b) will help him cover it up afterwards so no one will know. The temptation to stay in his addiction when no one either knows or cares enough to stop him, is tremendous.
You are promising to HELP him sleep with other women by keeping his secrets like this.
Without exposure you are enabling the addiction with secrecy.
He said that he goes to the resturants like that to have someone to talk to because the waitresses are so friendly. I don't really believe that one, but I wasn't going to push that too much. He told me that he would try to become transparent with me, and if he started to go back to old ways that I needed to remind him to stay with things. He has agreed to look at MB with me, and see what we can do to make out marriage better. He told me he is also starting to feel like we are more roommates than lovers. He said he is afraid to cuddle me or play without having sex because he is afraid to hurt me physically. I am usually in pain most days, and am having trouble walking even, so I understand why he's afraid to hurt me. Would it be a good idea to have him start a thread about how to change?
There's a whole bunch of red flags in this speech. It's quite clear he intends on keeping his secret second life where he can have sex whenever he wants. He makes some very OBVIOUS references to this. It's also clear you will help him do this so long as he pretends to be 'working on it'.
The only change he is willing to make is to try harder to avoid being caught.
WH and I spent the evening looking at the videos Dr. H has posted.
So without his making any changes at all, without your doing exposure you have brought him here?
You have forewarned him of anything you might be able to do?
Now he can form a plan of how to take his secret second life further underground. He can also start discrediting you to everyone so no one will belive you if you do expose.
This is what happens every time enabling and secrecy and poor attempts at educating the addict happens. Even with one time only affairees. Your H on the other hand is one of the worst serial offenders we have ever seen and you give him blind trust!
We can't help an enabler. We can't help you avoid being a victim again when you are dead set on helping to cover up the crime.
WH and I spent the evening looking at the videos Dr. H has posted.
He is ADDICTED. He has had sex with every female in his sights who was willing and he is working on the rest by being 'friendly'. You cannot educate the addiction out of him.
Truly nobody here can help you if you are going to do whatever you think is right, despite everyone stating the contrary. You need to realize that your husband is particularly terrible with his adultery (videos, strippers, BABYSITTER), so your odds are already difficult enough. Add to that, your refusal to see this situation for what it really is and refusal to follow any MB advice - I don't know how we can help you? Will you let us help you before you are given some lifelong disease by this man? Before your daughter is a teenager and he starts hitting on her friends? Before he spends MORE of your family's money on prostitutes?
What if he is telling the truth though?
You do KNOW that he isn't telling the truth. He has not changed at all and you know that. Wishing you could believe him does not make him truthful.
"I want to do what's best for my daughter". I can't remember ever giving this advice in five years of reading/posting on MB. If you want to do what is best for your daughter, leave your husband. Divorce him. IF he ever changes, then take him back. I think the likelihood of him ever changing is very small. He is a player, interesting in sex with as many females as he can get.
AM
What if he is telling the truth though?
Schedule a polygraph then and let him prove it.
"I want to do what's best for my daughter".
That struck me as odd too. As though this man in the grip of an addiction can benefit this poor young girl in any way until he is better.
Didn't we have a wayward a while back who had similarly been enabled for years? It had gotten to the point where he was sitting down with DD's teenage friends IN the kitchen IN front of his W chatting to them about oral sex.
What if he is telling the truth though?
What does that have to do with exposure and taking a polygraph? With making his lifestyle safer?
IF he is telling the truth (he isn't) then he will see the need for these things.
He will happily take a polygraph and he will accept the ramifications of exposure happily without getting mad. Remorseful waywards are glad to get support and have people's help in changing after exposure.
If he was truly changed then he would only be sorry for what he has done. He would not dream of getting mad at his victim.
We see this every day. People only get mad at losing access to their secret second life when they want to continue it. Those who want help gratefully accept it.
I've been reading the exposure 101. I am going to start putting together al my evidence, and making lists of who it gets sent to. My family already knows. I'll send it to his family, and then schedule a polygraph. I read that trickle exposure is bad, that I need to do it all at once. I can do that with email. Is there an example letter to see for the WH's family?
WhyThis, I don't have the time right now to say more, but I did read your entire thread, and I BEG you that if you care about your M, do not skip ONE single step in Melody's exposure thread. Do NOT let your H get wind of what is coming. And expose far and wide...do NOT skip anyone just because you may think that "they won't help".
I caught my H cheating six months ago, and I did a botched exposure before we had found MB.
Go here to read a bit about what is going on in my life right now. I'm linking to the the middle of my thread (start at the 2nd post down on this page):
WHY TO DO A NUCLEAR EXPOSURE THE FIRST TIME