Need Help/Guidance/Encouragement please! - 10/28/13 10:00 PM
Where to begin. My wife & I have been married for 5 years. 1 month ago I came across her Facebook on the computer & it had some messages that were very inappropriate for what I had thought was a colleauge from work. They do not work together (2 different companies), but their paths cross in our industry from time to time. I confronter her on it & she confessed that she had "made out" while extremely drunk, with this guy for 10 minutes at the last conference. They both stopped & admitted that it was wrong on what they had done. He is married with 2 small children. Nothing else has happened since then & they have only spoke threw emails about work. She said it was a mistake & it shouldn't have happened. I know his wife & many colleauges as we are all in the same industry. I used to work with his wife & would consider her a friend. I have been in contact with her to get this all out in the open & everyone involved is aware of the incident. My wife told me that she see's now that the other guy is "kind of an idiot", but I can't help think that somewhere in her is some feelings for him, or maybe she is still just getting over the depression of what might have been.
After this all happened I needed to understand "why". It is not like her to do something like this. As I researched more & more on infidelity & MB, I came to realize that I had been neglecting her for a very long time.
Since then my wife has told me that she no longer loves me, she feels like she settled when we got married, & she is not sure she wants to continue with this marriage. I do not belive this as 100% true. I think she is just stuck on the negatives as the marriage is not in a great place. We have a 4yr old son & she feels obligated to make this work for his sake. She also feels like she owes it to her family to try for the marriage, but if it were up to her she could take it or leave it. Some days she tells me that she think's it can work & other days she outrite questions if she wants to even try or if it can work.
I am completely committed to fixing this marriage & I have ordered LoveBusters. I have read HNHN 4 times already, & I have been trying to meet her needs of Intimate Conversation & Affection. The conversation is not as hard to deliver, but she rarely let's me touch her in anyway, & if she does (son's watchin),it is very cold. I have not told her about MB or the 15 hours of undivided attention yet. I don't think she would even be interest or care at this point. She has seen me reading the book & I do tell her that we can have an amazing marriage if we make some changes. I tell her that I'm comitted to changing & she can see that I do give her a lot more of my time. It almost makes her feel bad. Not in what she did, but that I'm trying so hard & she isn't, & she doesn't want me to be more hurt if this doesn't work.
I have combed over as much of these post as I can & I see that it is not good to go it alone, especially in the beginning when the hurt feelings still linger & I don't know how to deal with my emotions. Is there anyone out there who can help me? What should/shouldn't I be doing? I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to, but I might also be so close to the situation that I can't see the forest from the trees. Any guidance, help, encouragement would be great. Thx!
After this all happened I needed to understand "why". It is not like her to do something like this. As I researched more & more on infidelity & MB, I came to realize that I had been neglecting her for a very long time.
Since then my wife has told me that she no longer loves me, she feels like she settled when we got married, & she is not sure she wants to continue with this marriage. I do not belive this as 100% true. I think she is just stuck on the negatives as the marriage is not in a great place. We have a 4yr old son & she feels obligated to make this work for his sake. She also feels like she owes it to her family to try for the marriage, but if it were up to her she could take it or leave it. Some days she tells me that she think's it can work & other days she outrite questions if she wants to even try or if it can work.
I am completely committed to fixing this marriage & I have ordered LoveBusters. I have read HNHN 4 times already, & I have been trying to meet her needs of Intimate Conversation & Affection. The conversation is not as hard to deliver, but she rarely let's me touch her in anyway, & if she does (son's watchin),it is very cold. I have not told her about MB or the 15 hours of undivided attention yet. I don't think she would even be interest or care at this point. She has seen me reading the book & I do tell her that we can have an amazing marriage if we make some changes. I tell her that I'm comitted to changing & she can see that I do give her a lot more of my time. It almost makes her feel bad. Not in what she did, but that I'm trying so hard & she isn't, & she doesn't want me to be more hurt if this doesn't work.
I have combed over as much of these post as I can & I see that it is not good to go it alone, especially in the beginning when the hurt feelings still linger & I don't know how to deal with my emotions. Is there anyone out there who can help me? What should/shouldn't I be doing? I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to, but I might also be so close to the situation that I can't see the forest from the trees. Any guidance, help, encouragement would be great. Thx!