I'm the one that had the affair. I was wrong and am very remorseful. Everyone that knows tells him that he'll be a fool for taking me back. Why would he want to go with someone (me) that made him feel horrible like this? What can I do to show him (and everyone that knows us) that he's not a fool? What can I do to (in his words) "make him whole"? Please help. I know I messed up the best thing in my life. Thanks.

Have you completely ended your affair? How long ago was it? Who was it with (someone at work or a friend? etc..) There are lots of things you can do to change.

The affair ended completely a little more than a year ago. It was someone from the gym.... that I no longer go to.

It's not what I can do to change. I know that my attitude was horrible during our marriage. My attitude will change and has changed for the better.

The DH needs to know that he's not being made a fool for taking me back. He needs to know that people that know us aren't going to be talking behind his back and saying that he's an idiot for letting me do this to him and then coming back.

The best resource at this time is the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Willar d Harley.
It is a guidebook, for rebuilding a marriage after an affair.

One of the first things you should do is expose your affair to family and friends. Have you done so?
Do you have children? Did you expose to them?

You registered here in 2012?

Jedi is right. Exposure is the first step. What extraordinary precautions have you put in place to show him that you won't do this again? If you have done little or nothing in the way of EPs then you have not taken the step of rebuilding trust and showing you are serious. Also, have you and your husband written this person a no contact letter?

Your husband needs to do what is right for him and stop worrying about what other people think. It is his life, not theirs. Those other people won't suffer the consequences of his choices, after all. Its wonderful to come up with great "advice" when it's not your ox getting gored. The fact is that most people do not get divorced after an affair. If your husband wants to stay married, we can teach you both how to have a great marriage.

Please read this article as it explains how you can make just compensation to your husband: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Are you separated now? When did your husband find out?

What you can do to change is to clean up your boundaries around other men. The issue was not your attitude, but your boundaries. That is how affairs happen.

That's when the affair first started.

It's been exposed. We have children but they are 10 and 8 so they don't know the entire story.

We are separated now. You're right, MelodyLane. It was my boundaries regarding other men. I'm close to 40 and hate to say it but I've learned my lesson. I've learned to define my boundaries and change my attitude.

RW,

The affair ended completely a little more than a year ago. It was someone from the gym.... that I no longer go to.

Was the OM exposed to his W or GF, and to his job/church/family.

Do you still belong to a different gym?

Did you tell your BH the complete story or are you still hiding details?

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Gamma,

I'm still new to I'm not too familiar with the abbreviations. I found that OM meant Offending Man. W is wife and GF is girlfriend. BH is Betrayed Husband (?).

OM didn't have a W or a GF. Doesn't work, doesn't go to church, doesn't have a family. Yeah, real winner that I chose!! *I'm being sarcastic*

BH knows everything. I don't have anything to hide anymore. I don't need to lie.

Do they know about the affair and why your marriage has broken up?

Who left whom? Did your husband move out? Or did you? Who has the kids?

They do not know about why.

I left him. I moved out and the kids are in a joint situation between both of us.

Did you move out to conduct your affair? How did you come to move out? And when was your last contact (of any kind) with the OM?

Will your husband allow you to move back?

And Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders does recommend telling children the truth. Giving them false explanations for the source of the problems causes enormous confusion and just teaches them that dishonesty is accepable.

Did your husband come here in 2012?
Im curious why you registered in 2012 while having an affair?

This book is my main suggestion to you. If you have the older one, get the new revised edition that came out this year.

Dr. Harley's basic position, which he lays out early in the book, is that after being the victim of infidelity, he would not fault anyone for ending their marriage. But he does have a program for recovery, described in the book, and he encourages people to read through and consider his plan before making their decision. For couples where both husband and wife have followed the plan, the result has been not just marital recovery, but the happy marriage that they always wanted.

The book will lay out many things the two of you will need to do to make a happy marriage. In doing these things, you will be able to make compensation to your husband for the damage you did to your marriage. He will not come off looking like a fool - he will come out as a very happy married person.

They don't need to know sexual details, but 8 and 10 are perfectly fine ages to know that they had an unfaithful parent. Tell them immediately. This will help your husband, and it is also good for them to know the truth.

You can read more about Dr. Harley's idea of Just Compensation here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042c_qa.html

I guess I did move out to conduct the affair. Last contact with OM was more than a year ago. OM's tried to contact me since by dialing me and then hanging up. But nothing.

DH will not allow me to move back....for right now, I think. He doesn't want to get hurt again. I can understand. We're taking things slowly.

Registered in 2012 when we were starting to split up. I wasn't really active in the forums or reading through all the articles back then.

Ordering the book now.

RW, have you been completely honest with your husband about the affair? Have you been forthright about the fact that you moved out to have your affair? Does he know everything?

You will need to change your number to make it impossible for OM to contact you.

He knows everything.

What I've done is blocked his number and any unknown numbers that he might use, as well as restricted numbers that don't show up on my caller ID. I can't be sure but OM is sure to get the message when he tries calling me and gets a reply "Calling restrictions put on this phone prevented the completion of this call"

If it does continue, I will change my number. I'm not attached to my phone number. Restoring what I had is more important.

Your first step would be exposing your affair to family and friends, invluding your children

Then go ahead and change it.

Secondly you should write a letter a no contact letter to your affair partner (as detailed in the book ) (others can post sample letter language If you request) and send it to the other man, copying his sigmificant other or wife and a copy to your husband.

Separately, include a letter of apology to your husband and tell him that you are willing to worlk with him to create a loving romantic marriage where both of your needs are met and that you have contacted MarriageBuilders.com for a plan if he is willing to consider this

You can't know ahead of time if he continues or not.

If he borrows a phone you haven't blocked, and calls you, even if you hang up on him, it will be a pain and an offense to your husband.

You must eliminate the risk of that happening - not wait to see if it's okay to tolerate some risk.

Here.
What is Just Compensation?

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX