Marriage Builders
Posted By: the_confusedwife New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 01:53 PM
Merry Christmas all-
I am new here so please forgive me if this post is lengthy as i am not yet familiar with all the abbreviations. My H and I have been married for 11 years since i was 19. we separated a year later bc i was lacking in the sexual arena. since i was only 19 i was not very seasoned sexually. my h begand sleeping w ow on his job. i begged and pleaded for him not to leave me and my one year old daughter at the time but he did anyways. future contact with him did no good at at all it just resulted in him getting frustrated and becoming violent with me. Needless to say i loved my h dearly and refused to get a divorce from him. we ended up getting back together five years later. we had another child in 2009 after 8 years of marriage. shortly after my h sexual performance (or should i say the lack thereof) caused me to enter into an adulterous relationship in 2011. my h discovered the relationship and told me if i didnt stop he would leave. i tried to stop the other relationship but i went through a very depressed withdraw period but eventually stopped talking to the om. We started marriage counseling to work things out. Shortly after, i found out that my husband too was having an a two as a matter of fact. Now my H is the tit for tat type of guy so i believe he was doing this to get back at me for what i had done. Once we got over all of those issues i thought we were at a point where we were finally happy in the marriage. then last year after going on vacation to celebrate our 10 year anniversary when we arrived back home my husband told me he had to resign from his job due to him being found out about by embezzling funds. I was very angry with my h, one for the embezzlement and 2 for putting our family in this bad situation. I stopped speaking to my husband after about 3 months of him not wanting to get another job and thinking he could gamble professionally and squandering the family's savings. i eventually got in an a with om that was also married. My h eventually found out and begged me to stop. He also began seeing ow and having sexual relationships outside the m. one woman in particular he started seeing a few days before my birthday and ironically enough her b-day is about 4 days b4 mine. He spent her bday with her and did nothing for me for mine. I found out about her and he told me that he would not continue anything with her however i never told him that i wanted to make our m work. finally in july i realized that we were to distant from one another and told him that i wanted to make the m work. he told me NO and that he no longer wanted to make it work. I immediately knew someone was in the picture. he denied tho. I found out he purchased a new cell phone that i knew nothing about and had been still seeing this woman. she knew about me bc i called her on one occasion b4 when my h never came home bc he was with her. its now december and he is now living with her. he doesnt give me any money for the two children adn acts like he completely hates me. He has even told me not to call him anymore. What do i do?? There are more details to this story and i will be more than happy to share. I just really need help!!! I want my husband back...
Posted By: celticvoyager Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 02:00 PM
Confused,

Welcome to MB. There's TONS of good help here. Have you ended your affair completely? What steps have you taken to ensure it will not happen again? Who knows about the affairs?
Yes, my affair ended bk in june. As far as steps taken to ensure that it will not happen again: I have been reading dr Harleys about affairs and i have a better understanding about what causes them and how to keep them from happening. i believe my affiors were ignorance on my part i was under the impression that when my h didnt make me happy that i could simply go out and get someone that will do the things that he was lacking in not knowing i was damaging my marriage by doing so. As far as who knew? All of my friends knew. I took this man around my friends as he brought his friends around me. He told me that all his friends did it and it was the "norm" for them so i felt really comfortable around them.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 04:41 PM
Who is your OM? Is he married?

Is your Husband still having an affair? Are any of his OW married?

Have you both been STD/I tested?

Have you changed all the conditions that allowed your affair? What EPs have you put in place?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 04:43 PM
Have you read all of the threads in here?

Start Here First-Welcome Aboard
Yes, my husband is still having an affair. He left in July and now lives with the ow. Yes one of his ow were married but he no longer sees this woman. Yes, I have been tested earlier this year.
I no longer have an affair with om. It ended in June.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 05:14 PM
Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
I no longer have an affair with om. It ended in June.
Is he married? How do you know him?

Did you change all you contact information?

Who have you exposed his affair to?

What EPs have you put in place?
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 05:17 PM
Please read.
Extraordinary Precautions- Revised in SAA
Yes, he is married. We live in Baltimore so I met him at the ravens Super Bowl championship celebration earlier this year.

I exposed this relationship to a friend of mine who actually knew his wife and she exposed it to her.

His wife actually made him change his phone number and he has had no contact with him since June.

As far as ep's go I'm not really certain as to how they relate to me at the present since h and I are no longer living together and aren't even speaking.
Yes, I've read them
Posted By: Gamma Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 09:12 PM
CW,

Yes, my husband is still having an affair. He left in July and now lives with the ow. Yes one of his ow were married but he no longer sees this woman. Yes, I have been tested earlier this year

I suggest you contact the BH of the OW who was married.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: Gamma Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/24/13 09:15 PM
CW,

I exposed this relationship to a friend of mine who actually knew his wife and she exposed it to her.

His wife actually made him change his phone number and he has had no contact with him since June.


Please call the BW of your OM, you need to make sure she has the full story, OM will lie and minimize. You should make amends and a confession is the best place to start.

God Bless
Gamma
He actually contacted me last year and told me what was going on between my husband and his wife so he is fully aware and they too are separated now. He actually told me his wife was sleeping around with more men than just my h.
Gamma-
Are you sure about contacting the bw of the om? This has been well over 6 months that I have had any contact with these people and I think this is one of those situation where you should "let sleeping dogs lye". Especially since when she contacted me I assured her there was nothing going on between us, but that was truly to protect their marriage. I never wanted to destroy anyone's home.
The betrayed spouse of the adulterer should ALWAYS know the truth about their life and marriage. Your telling them won't destroy their lives; the hurt will be the direct cause of the person who betrayed her. She needs to know so she can protect herself. I assure you that while the OM was having an affair with you, she was very troubled by his coldness and distance from her. She knows something was wrong.

Also, for their marriage to survive infidelity, she and her H need to eliminate all the conditions that led to his affair. They would need to affair-proof their marriage with extraordinary precautions. He needs to offer her Just Compensation.

How can any of this happen if she doesn't know the truth?
Ok I understand completely. I will contact her after the holidays.
I have contacted the ow parents earlier this summer and to my surprise her parents already knows her dad actually told me that other family members has made him aware of the situation. however, they are supposedly 'christians' and have accepted my husband openly. He even spends nights over there with her when she is visiting her parents. I am considering messaging all 600 plus of her friends on facebook tho.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/25/13 03:16 AM
Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
Gamma-
Are you sure about contacting the bw of the om? This has been well over 6 months that I have had any contact with these people and I think this is one of those situation where you should "let sleeping dogs lye". Especially since when she contacted me I assured her there was nothing going on between us, but that was truly to protect their marriage. I never wanted to destroy anyone's home.

Dr Harley would encourage you to be honest
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/25/13 03:21 AM
Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
Yes, he is married. We live in Baltimore so I met him at the ravens Super Bowl championship celebration earlier this year.

I exposed this relationship to a friend of mine who actually knew his wife and she exposed it to her.

His wife actually made him change his phone number and he has had no contact with him since June.

As far as ep's go I'm not really certain as to how they relate to me at the present since h and I are no longer living together and aren't even speaking.

The Extraordinary Precautions you would create serve the function of ensuring that you are never placed in a similar condition which lead to your last affair.
If you met OM in a bar, you never go to a bar again.
If you concealed the affair by having alone time then you dont have unaccounted alone time.
All conditions which made the affair possible must be removed.

In your present state, you should have no opposite sex friendships and do conversations with men.
Are you still in contact with your WH?

Is he supporting his children with you? Do you have the means to support yourself?

How are you doing physically? Are you depressed or are you coping pretty well?

If your H is living with OW, you need to be in Plan B and not have any contact at all with him, using an Intermediary (IM) to arrange child visitation.

Plan B protects you from the harm of his adultery. You can live with your children peacefully without the drama of him and OW.

You should expose his affair to your friends and family and ask for their help. You should also expose your own affairs to these folks and ask for their accountability and help.

Read up on Plan B. Plan to stay in Plan B for two years. Don't date and make sure you are using extraordinary precautions to keep yourself from complicating things further by having another affair. Make sure you avoid opposite sex friendships.
Please stick to one thread. Click Notify and ask the moderators to merge your threads.

Yes, exposure needs to be wide and far. Exposure sheds light on the adultery. Sure, not everyone is going to care, but you will find help in unexpected places. Exposure puts pressure on the affair partners. It's not as much "fun" when everyone knows it's an affair.

Expose wide and far. Expose your own affairs, too, saying that you have made many mistakes in your marriage and that you are asking for their help.

Please remember that not everyone who calls himself a Christian actually acts like one.
Lwfh-

No, I'm no longer in contact with h. I've really made a mess of things before coming to mb. The last conversation with him he told me never to call him again so I'm doing just that.

No, he is not supporting me or the children. I have not received a dime since he has been gone. We have lost our home and are staying with my mothers ex-husband which is my older brothers father.

I'm not doing to well sometimes I get depressed when I think about my children and the situation so I try not to dwell on it. That keeps me sane.

It's funny, I appreciate you touching on plan b I read up on it and figured that's where I should be as well. When I contact him I just give him too much power.

In addition, I'm equally glad you touched in the subject of male friends to be honest that's where I have been getting the bulk if my financial support but I suspected I should not be entertaining that since they'll probably be looking for something in return.
Thanks again for the advice it was enlightening.
Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
Lwfh-

No, I'm no longer in contact with h. I've really made a mess of things before coming to mb. The last conversation with him he told me never to call him again so I'm doing just that.

The best thing you can do for yourself is an airtight Plan B. I don't see a whole lot of hope for your marriage, because you and your estranged husband both have low boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex and there've been so many mistakes on both sides. However, Plan B is still your best option whether or not your marriage is saved.

Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
No, he is not supporting me or the children. I have not received a dime since he has been gone. We have lost our home and are staying with my mothers ex-husband which is my older brothers father.

Have you seen a lawyer? I'm not a legal expert by any means, but Dr. Harley often advises women to file for divorce in these situations so you can start getting child and spousal support from your H.

Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
I'm not doing to well sometimes I get depressed when I think about my children and the situation so I try not to dwell on it. That keeps me sane.

If you find yourself feeling consistently low, consider seeing your doctor for anti-depressants. It need only be temporary to see you through the worst part of Plan B. ADs help to equalize out your emotions.

Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
It's funny, I appreciate you touching on plan b I read up on it and figured that's where I should be as well. When I contact him I just give him too much power.

Does he see the children? Visitation should be arranged through an intermediary. All financial arrangements should be arranged through an IM as well. You would end ALL contact with him. Send him a final love letter based on the templates Here.

Originally Posted by the_confusedwife
In addition, I'm equally glad you touched in the subject of male friends to be honest that's where I have been getting the bulk if my financial support but I suspected I should not be entertaining that since they'll probably be looking for something in return.
Thanks again for the advice it was enlightening.

For the sake of your own integrity and for the safety of your children, you should avoid dating for the foreseeable future and concentrate on raising your children and finding viable ways to support yourself. While you are married, even though separated, you are not free to date, because you are not single. Maintain high and strict boundaries with men.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/25/13 05:24 PM
Have you exposed his affair yet?

Here.
How to Plan B Correctly
Brainhurts-

Not as yet. I am going to do it via her Facebook nutshell has over 600 friends so it will take some time. I may have to recruit help.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/26/13 03:31 AM
Make sure to start with family and such first, so that if FB does cut you off you will have gotten the most important people.
Exposed the affair via Facebook took me over an hour and I only notified about 100 of her friends one person responded saying that the ow owes me nothing and my husband is 100% at fault and my only recourse should be to leave him.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: New Here in Dire Need Of Help!!!!! - 12/26/13 03:38 AM
Okay did you pay to send messages to people that aren't your friends?
Otherwise they won't get the message
jk-
i did not pay but it has been effective thus far. I have had three friend requests and one person responded to me saying she was in the same situation and that exposure does nothing bc misery loves company.
Exposure is the first step in ending the affair. There are some folks here on this forum whose spouse's affair ended immediately due to exposure. Exposure takes the thrill out of the affair and shines the light of day on the tragedy.

It doesn't work every time, but it's always the first step. Besides shedding the light of day on the affair, it will also give you some much-needed support.
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