Hi,
I'm new here, found out on Saturday night husband was having an affair, I confronted him, he left , after few days and after finding MB and at my request he came back home. He Is also an alcoholic that has been sober on & off our whole 31 year marriage, ( mostly sober) but started drinking again by his admission about a week ago. We have had 2 sessions in counseling with MB, also with an addiction specialist and he has started an alcohol recovery program. He sent the no contact letters today ( there were 2 over the last 8 months). The session today knowing he has to divulge all to me , and This really put him over the edge it seems. He is very depressed , way more than what I have read is what I should expect in The Basic Concepts.
I think if I didn't initiate the counseling, the addiction treatment etc, he would be gone, and maybe I should give him that permission. I am devastated as I'm sure you can imagine and I don't want to leave but maybe I should .

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who is the OW? Who are you coaching with through MB?

Who all knows about his affair? Does he have a sponsor?

Hi Roobs, welcome to Marriage Builders. Who are you counseling with at Marriage Builders?

Has all contact with the OW ended? Is she married? Has the affair been exposed?

We are working with Steve, and yes the affair has been exposed to some people,, I told the Ow son( and I know he has confronted her) and I have called the OOW and threatened to tell the oow husband , we were scheduled to meet but then my husband revealed the relationship to me and we had a session with Steve so I did not follow through with that meeting with her, I did threaten to tell her husband if she did not respond to my calls which is why she even agreed to meet with me I'm sure, but so far has not been exposed to her(OOW other other woman) family.I think it will get out though as this is a small town and whether we stay together or not , it will end up being kind of obvious . yes all contact has ended as far as I know . My husband has agreed to all the things I have asked / Steve has asked so far, but husband is NOT happy about it. He says he feels like I'm in control of everything and yet I feel totally out of control. Yes he has a sponsor . I'm not to sure about the guy I don't know him well enough. The OW , is someone he trains ( he is a personal trainer 60 yrs old) and also someone he was seriously trying to go into business with , so there was a lot of time spent together by them. The OOW is also a business partner who he had a brief affair with but had ended but was still doing business with, weight loss , fitness etc. the most current OW live here part time and in Another country part time. She is not here right now at least as far as I know. Does that info help? He is so depressed I don't know from which moment to the next if he will leave or stay and I am making myself sick over it.
Also , sister in law knows, 1 son knows, 2 good friends of mine know. Husband says his sponsor knows and has known for some time, also husband was seeing a counselor that has known for some time, other than that not sure

Exposure to OW's husband is a must!!!!!

Surely you see that the affairees enlisted you to do damage control before you could extend the hand to help this poor man?

It also leaves her free to continue the A on her side with no one watching her.

Why on earth did you 'threaten' to help him instead of simply assisting this poor man?

I cannot believe Steve Harley knows and approves of your decison to help deceive the other victim.

That is where you should start then. Expose immediately to the OW's husband. Family, children and friends should also be informed. The more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable.

I would do this without forewarning your spouse.


That is good. If there is a section of his life that is hidden so that you don't know, I would focus on finding ways to snoop so you do know.

What areas are you most concerned about?


Do all of your children know? I would tell his parents, family members and his sponsor.

Another thing you should know is that many affairs BEGIN at AA. He should be going to all men's groups.

Has Steve discussed finding another career with your husband? Since he has had TWO affairs now, it is obvious that the career is the environment in which he has affairs. Affairs are RAMPANT in the personal training/gym business.

If you want this pattern to change, then the environment that led to the affairs has to change. It is like the alcoholic. When an alcoholic wants to sober up, he has to stay out of bars and get the booze out of his house. It is the same with adultery.

And yes, AA meetings are adultery hot spots. Crazy, unstable, compulsive, selfish men and women sit around and talk about their personal lives. That is a set up for affairs. That is why it is a good idea to stay away from co-ed meetings.

I hadn't thought about the AA meeting thing. I don't know how to contact the OOW husband as of yet , but I can enlist some help to find him. She has kept anything online COMPLETELY secret regarding her husband. Steve did actually agree to not contacting her family for reasons I cannot say. All my children will know as soon as I can get ahold of the other one.and husbands parents too. My husband has told me today to tell people , ,it's going to be hard for ME. If I knew he was committed to working on the marriage I would feel good about telling people that but if he is going to leave me I just would rather say it in a different way.
Thanks for the support, it really helps❤️

also , no we have not discussed husband finding another career as of yet. we have discussed me becoming more involved, but all that is hard to do when I cant even get him to commit to staying here. also I took a leave of absence from work because I am crying alot and I work in a retail setting and a lot of people know us.

There aren't any reasons for not exposing to the other victim. They don't exist.

There are some reasons for not doing exposure at all - such as having a violent spouse. But even then, the advice would be to cut your losses and divorce since recovery is impossible without exposure. Affairs continue without exposure.

Right now she is free to contact your H whenever she chooses and if she were to do that the trigger might be enough to draw him back in.

No wonder you feel so uncertain about what he will do.

I am baffled by your claim that Steve H has said this is OK and that it's alright to allow her H to be cheated on in ignorance, while also leaving your own marriage open to attack. It's an MB must that you expose. I've never heard of this advice being given elsewhere.

Particularly since it was the two adulterers who cooked up the idea of you talking to her rather than to him. What purpose did that serve? She already knew she was having an affair!

!

Pleas don't worry, we will get you through this no matter what he does. We have all experienced this pain and come out the other side triumphant.

there is a threat of violence, and i might not have been clear, I was the one who contacted her and threatened to contact her husband if she did not meet me. I did not show up for the meeting with her .
Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it

there is a threat of violence, and i might not have been clear, I was the one who contacted her and threatened to contact her husband if she did not meet me. I did not show up for the meeting with her .
Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it

Has she told you her husband is violent?

90 percent of OW say that. Women who are genuinely abused are too scared to do the laundry wrong. They don't have sex with other men!

It's just a neat trick to win the sympathy of other men and to prevent their H's from finding out.

One of our vets discovered an affair two years after the other spouse did. When she asked the man why he had helped the affair partners lie to her, he said he had been told the affair was over and that he had been told lies she was unstable. He also hid it from his children, who actually knew but were hiding it from him too. With everyone scared into silence the affair was free to continue. It wasn't until our friend discovered it that was properly exposed and ended.

It's very easy to continue an affair when it's been covered up on one side. That's why the affair partners want your help doing that.

It is very important that you find this man and epxose the affair to him. If not, the OW is free to pursue your husband and he is free to pursue her. This is a critical first step in the recovery of your marriage.

Do you have her address? If so, you can maybe drive there with a friend and tell him in person. Someway, somehow, you really need to find him and tell him.


here


Good girl! I understand it will be hard for you, but it will be much harder to HIDE the affair. It will come out eventually and you need the support of your family. Your husband needs the support too.

I am sorry he knows you will be telling others because it is supposed to be done without his foreknowledge. But that can't be helped now so I would encourage you to tell these folks.
Exposure is THERAPEUTIC and good for all.

Does he want to leave you? It sounds to me like he is setting the conditions for recovery and that is not a good thing. He is not qualified or any position to set the conditions for his return. It is very important that you hold him accountable and make sure he understands he will have to make you safe in the future. I can't imagine you would ever feel safe with him still working as a PT since that is how his affairs started!!

Here are the conditions for recovery outlined by Dr Harley in Survivng an Affair. If he won't do these things then recovery is impossible and Dr Harley would recommend separation:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

And whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM about your plans to contact the OW's husband. That should come as a complete surprise.

I may not have been clear, I arranged the meeting with the OOW and I did not show up for it, because we ended up in session with Steve. And yes there is a threat of violence. I hope that helps make my situation more clear
Thanks for your help I really appreciate it.

What is an OOW and who has made a threat of violence against whom?

The OOW( other other woman) , is an affair he had several months ago that has since ended, it is not the current OW. The threat comes from her husband , currently the Consensus is the threat is real. The violence would be from her husband toward my husband and her.

Your H told you this because she told him this? What consensus do you mean?

Many OW say this and then when exposure happens it isn't true.

The consensus was between myself , Steve and my husband. I am not going to keep the affair a secret.

So you will be exposing? And to whom?

Well you seem all set then and shouldn't be having any problems.

However I don't think that's really the case is it?

Hi ,
Well we had the reveal everything talk today(, that's if I can believe him ). This has been going on since 2008 with numerous OW, 1 one night stand , numerous flirtatious encounters , 2 others , one with 2 sexual encounters and one with 3 sexual encounters , internet porn, one romantic infidelity that seems to be the one that is the most problematic for my WS and has lasted the longest for my WS.
So looks like total= 4 OW that included sex.
The 3 most current have all been going on simultaneously over the last 10 months . Also WS is an alcoholic addict, ( I think I said this before) and he has been drinking and using on and off since 2008, some of the using ,I was aware of some not.
Needless to say this was very hard to hear , although I already knew some of it because we've been talking prior to today, But I was truly blindsided when I found that first email on D-Day. I feel like such an idiot.
So my issues are these,
We moved here in 2007
Exposure,
I think it will be easiest for me to send out a mass email. I have a lot of close friends here where I live. They are all worried sick about me right now because I have basically fallen off the face of the earth.
From what I've read on these discussion boards I'm supposed to come from a position of strength, I don't think I could do that in person. I'd be a blubbering idiot.
Our parents are old in their 80's and not well, my Mom is a widow, should I tell them? My sister in law thinks it will kill my mother in law( her words)? However my mother in law has been one of my best friends for over 30 years and my WS really respects her.
My friends are going to be pissed, I've been through a lot in the last 2 &1/2 years (breast cancer) I'm not sure how supportive they will be of my desire to stay with my WS and recover our marriage.
We have discussed moving back closer to family prior to today , I actually even brought it up before D-Day
. How soon should we do this, it couldn't be soon enough for me. Should I push it? All these bad things happened after we moved to this place and my husband became involved in activities that were increasingly difficult for me to be a part of. He also loves those activities . They are a HUGE part of the way of life here and really play to his ego. We were separated a lot . I can see that has to change somehow.No matter where we live.
He likes the idea of moving somewhat ( he says) but is somewhat reluctant, he has started an alcohol treatment program here has an AA sponsor he likes etc.He says he doesn't want to move to run away.
WS brought some of these women into my home and 1 lives part time in our building.
I don't know if I can handle that and live here knowing all 3 of them live here and this is a small town.
The chances of running into them are extremely high.

I have to give WS credit , so far he has done everything asked of him.
No contact letters
Given me passwords
Texting me regularly , if he's gone
Starting alcohol treatment
Going to AA
Meeting with his sponsor

There are other issues too, I'm still not sure WS is going to stay with me. Deep down I think maybe the discussion of moving could be a way to placate me . I know he is afraid if we don't stay together his business could be ruined because people will see him for what he is even more so than they will now, because I would tell them ( he thinks I would try to destroy him).
This is a long post .
So what do you think of all that?

I sent the exposure email, WS is very upset

Sister in law called my Husband ( her brother) and expressed how upset she was that I sent such an email, that was a REAL bummer , as she was one of the few people I had been talking to so she already knew and it made my husband even more upset than he already was. I didn't include the elderly parents . With the exception of sister in laws reaction, everyone else so far has responded in the best way possible , shocked and saddened of course, but willing to do whatever we need to support us in working on our marriage. Husband is basically not speaking to me but he has not walked out. He seemed so shocked, even though we did discuss me telling my friends and family who have been so worried about me. What he seems to object to most is that I named the OW. ( plural)Now that also sucks,he seems more concerned about their feelings than mine and has temporarily forgotten that I'm the injured party here.
Also he thought we should have agreed on the content first.
He has asked for a list of who I sent it to, and I think I might as well just send him a copy of the email too, seems like we should just get all of this crap over with and see if we can move on.
Struggling tonight

I would tell him that you really need to see a bit more remorse if he expects you to be impressed. His attitude is discouraging to you.

If anyone criticises exposure, just shrug. It's not their ox getting gored.

He's got some choices to make. It may take some time. I can't remember hearing about a WS who took exposure well.

The important thing is that he knows you still love him and that you have used exposure as a tool to protect the marriage you hold dearly and sacredly.

Give him some time, and continue to Plan A.

Thanks indiegirl and justthe3ofus , I will remind him I still love him and used exposure as a tool to protect the marriage , if he will talk to me. And I will also tell him his attitude is discouraging. If he will talk to me.
Woke up this am to find him on the couch. I actually thought he might be gone. He is more blown away than I am , considering I got the radical honesty talk yesterday which I thought I handled pretty well, the emotions seem so reversed to me. So out of proportion. Is this normal?

I found 1 of the 3 women on FB , I'm not sure what to say to her in a PM , without sounding threatening, but I want her to know that I know and to stay away, she is the one that lives part time in my building any suggestions?
Also any thoughts on my longer post above?

I'm pretty sure he's leaving and he says he's done, he didn't think I would expose him like that and I'm praying god takes my love for him away .

Just hang tight and stay calm. Make sure you aren't love busting. Lots of unfaithful spouses get upset with exposure. They don't like their friends and family to know the destructive things they've been doing. But you've done the right thing in exposing his affairs. Most of the folks will give you much-needed emotional support. He will now have accountability and also see his deeds through the eyes of others.

Many WSs threaten divorce and to leave, but for many, it's no more than a threat.

Zo,
Just as LWFH said. His reaction is to be expected. Happens almost every time, in fact. Give him time to get over it and as LWFH said, no love busters. In fact, even if you have to throw up in your mouth a little, try and make some love bank deposits. As hard as it is right now, show him you care and love him.

Regarding the other woman, the best thing you can do is expose her affair to her friends on Facebook. This way she will know you mean business and she will likely stay away from your husband. You will also be doing a big favor to her friends who are married. They will know to be very careful around this home wrecker.

Are any of the OW married?

You need to watch his actions, not his words.

Has he been tested for STD/I? Have you been?

So who all did you expose? Anyone on any of the OW's sides?

Are you on any antidepressants?

Will you email Dr. Harley?

He cheated on you and is the one who should be hoping you come around! Keep that bar high. If he is not hat in hand remorseful, willing to own his faults and apologise sincerely to all, than he isn't worth your worry.

If he doesn't straighten up and fly right he can sulk in Plan B.

What about sex? He wants it and I've been complying cause it's comforting to me , but then I'm crushed the next day, when he tells me he's not sure
I've exposed to my friends and family, and I named all the OW. I haven't been able to track down 2 of the other women's family contacts , but it will probably get around this is a small town
Thanks so much all of you for your responses, you have NO idea how much it helps

You're doing good work, z! Be firm in setting the conditions for recovery. You've got a tough situation on your hands with a serial cheater. Be good to yourself as you go through this. You need time to let this all sink in a little.

He should be anxious to prove that he's ready to change. Have conditions and stick to them. Don't want the relationship over your own mental health.

Lots of BS's have used SF to Plan A very effectively and to make their spouse miss them in Plan B. However it's not really necessary (unless you want to) and you have to consider STDs and also the emotional fallout, as you are discovering.

Personally I think it is still meeting the SF need if you dress sexy and talk about how much sex you are going to have AFTER all the recovery conditions are done and his attitude is right. Then if you go Plan B, they are still very much aware that they are missing out on your offer of great sex in Plan B.

I don't think you can beat the approach of... wearing nothing but his shirt and red lipstick and saying how much you are looking forward to SF once you can trust him again.

I've heard Dr. Harley talking about sex during Plan A on his radio show. He says it's up to the betrayed spouse. If you WANT to, then go ahead, but be careful because of STDs.

If you don't want to, because of how hurt you feel afterward, then let him know that you are willing to work on mutual meeting of needs when the affair is over and he is committed to working on recovery.

It's your choice.

Thanks, indigirl, LongWayFromHome and zibbles. These opinions help a lot. The newest thing is he wants a few days "off" to think. He wants to go see his folks in another state , he doesnt want me to go with him. Steve doesn't think its a good idea for us to be separated right now but Im starting to feel like , just go if thats what he wants, and Im not sure I could really stop him anyway .
His parents dont know whats happened, and he will have to tell them.
Brainhurts, I am getting a full STD panel, and an HIV test, also I am not on antidepressants yet, we've talked about it (my doc and I). If i am to look at his actions, and not his words then I would have to say he is doing most of the things he is supposed to do. I would love to email Dr Harley, would you help me clarify, what I should say?
I guess my main issue is I want to recover my marriage in spite of everything thats happened. My husband is not "in" 100% , and its crushing me each day he tells me the things that make me feel this. He resents me HUGELY for the exposure e-mail, and Im not sure he can get over that. I still love him, is there something wrong with me? Should I just let him go and do whatever it is he wants to do, spend time alone, think whatever??? My fear is that would be the end and Im not sure Im ready for that. Ive read here and on other websites, you cant work on a relationship if you are not together. But maybe he just doesn't love me anymore. Its been a little over 2 weeks since D-Day .
Thanks

You should be the one to tell his parents, elderly or otherwise, about their son's affair and poor behavior. They aren't going to die from the knowledge. They could be an ally for you and your marriage. They need to know and you need to be the one to tell them, not your husband. The OW's husband and family/close friends need to know, too. The OW's H can help by keeping a close eye on his wife.

Have you been snooping to see what your H is up to? You need to keep this up.

Has he agreed to the conditions of recovery? Did you look at the checklist from Dr. Harley's SAA book that was posted to you earlier on your thread? One of the requirements is no more nights apart.

YOU set the bar for recovery, Zoloft, and if you set it too low, you are going to be miserable. First, make sure the affair is killed. Then eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. Next, commit to each other transparency and accountability as well as extraordinary precautions for life to prevent another affair from happening.

And, finally, rebuild the marriage into one that is better than pre-A.

You and he should definitely not be separated. Try and schedule some UA time and make the time enjoyable for both of you. This is part of recovery. He should be willing to start in on the steps if you and he hope to recover.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Call up his parents and tell them in plain English what happened. Does this mean you didn't do a full exposure? Sort that out straight away, don't let him lie to his poor parents.

When he leaves, that will provide you with an excellent opportunity to Plan B him. Do you know how to do that? It's natural for you to love him, but if you allow him to jerk you around like this, you'll become traumatised and eventually hate him. By the time the affair dies you won't even want recovery and you'll be lucky to have escaped the nut house.

Do a strong Plan A asking him where he thinks he is going to stay since he hasn't given you a very impressive recovery plan yet. Look good, smell good, make home welcoming. Give him something to miss. Then start your Plan B preps.

In Plan B, you'll either be well enough to do recovery when it's time or divorce will hurt less, so you can't lose either way.

Okay indiegirl, sounds like good advice, amd brain hurts I will email the Harley's.
Thanks love you guys

Great and let us know when you hear back from the Harleys.

I sent the email to the Harley's , no news yet, still the same here , depression , etc . And it sucks :((

When did you send it?

If you don't hear from them in the next day or so notify the MODS so they can relay the messages to the Harleys?

Hi,
I sent it on June 26 th . How do I notify the mods? And what would I say, maybe they just don't think it's worthy of the show

Just click the button to notify the moderators that you sent an email and haven't heard back, that you want to make sure they have received it.

I heard from the Harleys today and listened to the broadcast, Im basically in a relationship with a renter and Im a buyer. Dr Harley in a nutshell says I should stay, if WH is following through with the counseling and the steps and not with any OW. You can listen to the broadcast for his full response it should upload in the archives by tomorrow i think. Try and search multiple affairs, and the date is Mon June 30th.
So I want a commitment and he just wants to rent for awhile. sucks , right?
I am so glad they took my question and it was really helpful . Today he said he was done and its been a rough day, so Im trying to decide what to do, we have an appt with Steve in the morning. I told my Husband if he was just going to tell Steve he was leaving me , I didnt need to go through that, and we could just stop right now. If he wants to have the session to work on the marriage im willing to do that. ill let you know what happens.

we had our session today , it was rough, but we are still working through , still no commitment from my WH except 1 day at a time. I just don't want to go through this pain again in 10 days, if he decides he's just not feelin it . We are doing the Emotional needs and the Love Buster questionnaires . I think Im building up resentment toward my WH because he is not committed, and thats not good right?

No that's why Dr H recommends women Plan B within weeks. Once you stop wanting recovery too, it's game over and it will also harm your health to endure such breathtaking abuse and neglect.

He can think it over and sulk in Plan B while you are talking bubble baths and painting your toenails and not taking his calls until he is serious.

Here's your show.
Radio Clip of Zoloft's Show

Ok so here's a small beginning of my plan B . I have my nieces wedding in another state . I wasn't going to go but , I'm scheduled to leave on July 12th. Even though my WH is technically doing what is required of him, he still isn't feeling it. So I thought I will leave for the wedding and not come back. I have numerous friends and family in that area that are willing to house me for awhile.
I can plan to come back my the end of the month to either move out completely or if he is ready for a commitment then consider staying . My only thing is my own fear that It will just leave him to do whatever the heck he wants including be with the OW and this just might push things in the other direction. Things are fragile right now , I know this. What do you think ?

After our session with. Steve yesterday he discouraged me from leaving. He says the pressure my WH feels is stress , not me or the process of trying to reconcile the marriage, even though WH sees it as such right now. I and the process are creating stress,but WH needs to learn to manage that stress, and if I were to leave right now , he could misinterpret that as releif that I am gone , does that make sense?
So I looked at it as what was best for me too. I would be a crying mess when I saw my family and it would cause me a lot of pain . Since it's my nieces wedding I didn't really think that was appropriate. So I am not going. I have a ticket and. I can go at any time. I have help from my friends if I choose to move so there is no issue holding me back if I choose to leave and do Plan B. I am working on not internalizing the fact that it is my fault somehow. I didn't think I was doing that, but after 32 years it's hard not to. No matter what he says and he really doesn't say it enough, in fact he is not doing any of the injury recovery stuff enough he is still in the"poor me ,Im such a jerk ,how could I have done such a terrible thing , but do I really want to be married phase? " Very painful for me that's for sure. Any comments or advice?

So Steve discouraged you from leaving. What are you supposed to do while you're there? Did you inform Steve of how much pain you're in?

Please remind me. Are you on ADs?

Update,I asked husband to leave last Friday, I caught him having a long phone convo with one of the OW. He went on a hike then called to say he finished early & would make his AA meeting, then he butt dialed me twice , 2 nd time I just listened and heard the half hour convo between the OW and himself. He borrowed the phone from a friend. I'm devastated as you can imagine . I am trying to get myself together enough to do what I need to do. He left the state , I have no idea where he is , I have to assume he is with her. Done

Zo, can you implement a proper Plan B now - do you know how to do that?

You need to change your contact details and get an IM. I am so sorry about what you have had to endure and you can't take any more contact with him.

It is very important you make it impossible to reach you/hassle you/make empty promises. It's a question of your health now.

Do read the how to Plan B correctly thread.

Have you exposed on OW's side yet?

In addition to exposing on OW's side please start to prepare for Plan B. Your WH is not serious about ending his affair(s).
How to Plan B Correctly

Should I change my phone number and emails? I am scared he will come back here and I am weak and don't know what i will do if I see him. I am trying to get out of this condo before he comes back. Desperately sad, but angry too

Yes definitely change all your contact information so he can't contact you. Is he using the IM?

Not sure what you mean, instant messaging? Not that I know of

Intermediary=IM.

Aren't you in Plan B? Have you read this? How to Plan B Correctly

Did you ever expose on OW's side?

Hi ,
Yes I've exposed,and I now know what an I M is. Yes I now have one and am in the process of changing my phone and em's . My problem is I'm not sure I want him back. I love and I miss him and I hate him , I'm not sure I can forgive him

Of course you don't want him back while he's wayward. That's why in your plan B Letter you gave him the way back. If his actions show you real charge then you can make that decision when he's shown you the actions.

Good job for changing your contact information. How is your self-care coming along?

Did you give him a Plan B letter?

All the better that you aren't sure you want him.

Plan B will protect any good will you have left for him.

I think of it like a 'pause' button. II

It lets you go on in your own life and heal and if the wayward ever gets his heart in near the right place, allows for a potential reconsiliation.

Ok I've written it, in my own handwriting. He has not contacted me and I am moving out of our condo since the rent hasn't been paid etc. he won't be able to contact me except through my IM. I will leave it for him once I'm out of the place and am going to stay with family for awhile. I'm not expecting much. I'm so broken and sad. Seeing a counselor this week. Thanks everyone for the help.
Zo

The best counselling is no contact. The less time you spend talking/thinking about him the better. It's not easy the first few weeks, or months, but make it your goal.

The pain is simply horrendous, particularly in the first few weeks, but since you are blameless there is absolutely nothing a counsellor can do about it. You would be better accessing some short term anti depressants and a steady stream of hugs, chocolate, new shoes, comedy movies and pedicures in no particular order. Most definitely don't sit around talking the pain into cycles.

Instead of counselling, consider what your new life is going to look like and how you can keep your spirits up.

Ok , I'll try , I in my heart thought about that and felt it was a right. I'm going to move forward no matter what. It hurts. Still . Are they any men who don't cheat. It's been a thought that has been bothering me
Zo

Everybody cheats in the right conditions.

Zo,

Have you read any of the stories that the betrayed husband's have posted on here? There are multiple threads here that the men haven't cheated and the wives have cheated.

WH has contacted me in an email through IM saying he wants to help. Well I've already done everything , packed up all our stuff and stored it for now, since he left the state , and I didn't know where he was or if he was coming back. He says he doesn't have any money to pay the bills , yet. But I saw his bank statement and it said he had over 20k , so I think he is still lying to me.
He is back here in our town , I'm going to family for a couple weeks and was just going to leave him the PBL .
He will not have access to our stuff. I wanted to have it when and if I return, I also did not want her to have it. I do not think he is making good decisions. My kids won't talk to him nor will his sister. Should I respond in any way , other than leaving him the keys ? Should I file for legal separation? I think the OW is giving him that money.i am concerned about debt he is incurring. Everything done is still community property right?
What do you all think?

Have you contacted a lawyer? I would get some legal advice. Do you have any proof that he has the 20K? Printed or copied the bank statement.

You need your IM to read the training thread. The whole point of an IM is that they filter these spam messages and you never get to hear them.

She should only pass factual messages on - not a desire to 'help'

Sorry just saw you haven't gone dark yet. Why is the IM being used now?

Hi, sorry, I don't know about going dark, and my IM didn't obviously understand fully , . I do have proof of the 20 K I have made a copy of bank statements , however I think he is probably moving money now. I will,talk to allawyer on Monday . . I can get another IM . What is going dark?
Thanks for everything

Once you deliver the Plan B letter you want all contact to cease. He doesn�t hear from you, nor can he reach you. You don't hear anything from him other than factual details from the IM so you can heal. So in practice he gets the letter - and boom - you've disappeared.

You need the IM training thread and How to Plan B correctly thread.

Going dark means no contact or any news of each other at all, even through third parties.

I re read everything and, now I understand. I don't have anyone who can be an IM.my son tried and it's too emotional for him. Is there anyone in MB that would do it for me?
Thanks Zo

Is there anyone out there that would be willing to be an IM for me? All my friends are pretty angry so it would be hard for them to even try to be neutral. To be honest I don't expect reconciliation, that would be a miracle. It will be the basics. Maybe at some point we can transfer IM after I feel a little less emotional.
Thanks
Zo

I have found that males make better IMs for using toward WHs.

Do you have a distant male relative who might be able and willing to handle this? (cousin perhaps?) Someone who can be matter of fact and deal with not sharing drama from the other side?

The mathematical reality is that people cheat in pairs. Of course, individual situations might have one of the APs being single, having multiple affair partners, or having same-sex APs, but for the most part, men and women cheat in equal numbers. By logical extension, there are pretty much the same number of BHs and BWs out there.

Reading , our. Family is so large they all by now or will soon know what has happened I am not sure if there is anyone who would be willing and certainly not soon enough ,to communicate with my WH but maybe in the future , for now I will just have to communicate myself
Thanks
Zo

Zoloft, did you ever expose to the present OW's family?

As long as you have exposed to the OW's family and friends, I am willing to be your IM. Ask the moderators for my email.

Blindsighted2013, yes I have exposed to the OW family. I have not spoken directly to her, she will not return my calls, but she got the no contact letter from WH , which was obviously a sham. So she knows I know. Is there anything else I should do regarding the OW? I emailed her son, and I know he confronted OW because WH told me before we separated. They live in a different country part time and in our little town part time.
Thank you so much for your help, I will ask the mods for your email. I will be flying all day tomorrow .
Thank you again for your willingness

Zoloft, you do not need to speak to the OW directly (she knows that she is having an affair).

Which OW did you hear him speaking to when he butt dialed?

Have you yourself exposed to that OW's parents, her siblings, her husband?

Did you ever expose to your husband's parents? You absolutely NEED to do that if you have not. It is not to be mean, or to cause grief for anyone�.it is to have as many folks as possible jumping in to help to keep your husband accountable.

Yes, ask the mods for my email and then shoot me an email and I will answer back. Once we have corresponded, then you can add my info to your Plan B letter.

Once you have left the Plan B letter for your husband, then no more contact (so be sure to open up a new email account when you contact me�that way you can close your old email account right afterward).

Regarding your plan B letter�there are some samples here ---> Sample Plan B Letters

Don't forget to clearly outline what it will take for you to be willing to reconcile (end all contact and design a plan for reconciliation�see the sample letters). Provide him a clear path home.

If you need help, just post your letter here and we'll offer suggestions.

He told his parents, so yes, they know. I have not exposed to the OW sister , but I can, I have her email. The OW is not married, the one I overheard is one of the 3 he had the longest ongoing affair with . Since I had to get out in a hurry, I left the PBL in the condo, so IM info is not on it. But I can email him that info and quickly go dark right after. I used one of the examples and added our personal history to it.
When I expose to her sister, WH is going to be pissed and tell his family and that hurts his Mom, who is like my Mom . That makes me sad and i know he does it to try to turn them against me. My sister in law is very protective of her aging , ill parents and says I shouldn't give them a reason to not be on my side. She feels they know enough. I am trying to preserve those relationships if there is any way.They are so old fashioned about keeping things "private and in the family" if he was able to get them on his side because they thought I was being destructive, it would be very hard for us to ever reconcile.
What is the best way to expose to the OW sister do you think ? With the least amount of damage to my family ( aging parents) is there a nicer way to expose? In. Dr Harley's book he says it should not be done in a spirit of anger or revenge, but rather with compassion toward those who find themselves similarly threatened by the affair. I will review exposure letters again.
Thanks

Zo, it doesn�t matter if he told his parents - and even if he did (unlikely) it was the wayward it's-ok-we-are-separated-and-zoloft-is-mean-doesn't-care version.

YOU are the one who exposes. You tell them you are heartbroken, want to save your marriage and that you need their support. How can they know THAT from his lips? If they are enablers and take the affair's side, then you will know they are enemies of the marriage and that will be important information to have. However you can't possibly predict how they will react. At least give them the opportunity to join you and to help their son.

His sister sounds like trouble and as though she and her brother are trying to stop the parents finding out ("I already told them honey! Don't you tell them! Because they uh, already know!" <----- classic red herring). This is a sign that his parents are THE target to hit.

I'd get hold of them and tell them straight very quickly.

So it sounds like the OWs sister is a GREAT exposure target. I encourage you to send her an exposure letter before you close down your old email account.

It only needs to be simple: "I am writing to let you know that your Sister, XXX, has been having an ongoing affair with my husband, XXX, since approximately XX-XX-XXXX. XXX and I have been married for 31 years, and our family is devastated by this. I ask that you please implore your sister to have no further contact with my husband".

We understand your feeling that way right now, Zoloft, but it is untrue. The TRUTH is that it will be very hard for you and your husband to ever reconcile UNTIL he commits to considering YOU first in his life. When and if he will do that, then there will be no more "taking sides", since ALL sides will point to the marriage. Both of you will make choices based on what is best for the marriage entity.

Totally agree!

Zoloft, it's actually the kindest thing that you can do to give your in-laws the TRUTH about their own lives. I assure you that they already know that there is more to the story than they have been told.

Call them straight away and give them the missing pieces (use caller ID block if calling from your new phone number).

At the same time you can also re-assure them that you totally love their son, and that you are willing to work hard towards making a new marriage with him ONCE he ends all contact with all OW and re-commits to only you.

No need to educate them on your choice to leave, or explain your choices�if they ask where you went, just respond that you are safe and hope that you can all see each other soon...just be a broken record of "I value my relationship with both of you and wanted you to know the truth. I love your son and want us to make a better M than ever AFTER he has ended all contact. I ask for you to implore your son to end all contact with any OW".

Okay I am now firmly in Plan B and this is tough , but I have to mean what I say. I hope and pray for all your support in the coming months. If anyone has any suggestions of anything else I should do, I welcome them. I am going to call the parents in the morning to reiterate what's happened and that I want to reconcile if my WS will also be willing.
Thanks
Zo

Indiegirl's post bears repeating so I thought I'd copy it here now that you are truly in Plan B.

How you doing?

I'm doing , I don't even know what word could possibly phrase it. I cry, then I feel kind of strong, then weak like a mouse. I worked on stuff today, what it will take to permanently relocate, get a job,start over with nothing at 56 years old it's kind of daunting. I'm afraid to spend any money so pedicures and such aren't in the cards right now. Just trying to keep my head above water and not cry too much. About 2 weeks since D-Day 2, false recovery.
Zo

Zo;
Then do an at-home pedi.... It will lift your spirits!!

That's normal. It was just the same for me.

How did exposure to parents go?

Parents exposure went ok, pop tried to lecture me a bit. Said I hurt my WS too ( probably by exposing) I said that WS was probably feeling guilty for what he had done and was trying to gain their sympathy, and I DIDNT take any responsibility for what he had done. Even with that I felt it went well over all. I assured them I love my WS and he has a way back if he wants it .
Now working on finding out what it will take to support myself , by myself , in dollars and what it will take to do that.
Zo

Zoloft,

It is unusual for a father to to tell his daughter (betrayed by her husband) that exposure may be hurting the cheating husband.

Most fathers are immediately concerned for the welfare of the betrayed daughter and could care less about how the cheating husband feels about exposure.

EDIT: Was this your father in law you called pop?
If so, he sounds like my ex FIL (an enabler)

I'd put FiL on your watch list. Everyone who said that to me turned out to be a cheat.

Take good care of yourself and let us know what you are doing to cheer yourself up.

JEDI_Knight Yes it was my FIL. He has a history of cheating , but that was a long time ago and I believe he loves me. However,that being said, they are protective of their son.
Today my dear friend who helped me get where I am right now,to a new place, found out she has a brain tumor, so I spent part of today helping her get medical things in order, get her TDI started and all that . So very sad. It really made me miss my husband because he was a great help in these kind of situations. It's so hard to stop remembering things , even in the midst of such a crisis of someone else's . Why did this have to happen, why did he do this , I need him and yet he obviously doesn't need me. I'm having a really hard day and night. When will it get better? I also had another bad dream last night that my husband was leaving me , that's about the 4 th time and I wake up in tears and can't go back to sleep. I mean he's already gone maybe I'll try that Ambien tonight .
Zo

Sorry about your friend but its good you're there for her.

We all had the dreams. Speak to your doc about short term anti depressants. At least you're sleeping! Good job.

I would like some input , my WS IS communicating through IM, and I have asked for some spousal support among other things and he has stated that he is unable to pay anything. I have a copy of his bank account from the end of JULY that states a $25000 balance. I have no way to pay an attorney.....and am wondering if it would be okay for my IM to pass on that I KNOW that he does indeed have money?
I realize it will all come out in court eventually if it comes to that, but my sense is he will have spent it by then based on his current reaction to my request for this and other things. Does anyone have any experience with this at all?
Thanks
Zo

Can you not access this money? If not, you should hire an attorney and get legal and financial help. The attorney can get a judgment that includes attorneys fees.


This is why it is a good idea to get financial protection when you go into Plan B. If you file immediately an emergency order can put in place so he can't spend or hide the money. But if you have access to the bank account, I would take half of it now.

I agree. Don't use your I'm for negotiations, hon. For one thing you need her to be a spam filter, for another you can't ask a wayward to do anything anyway. Just expect them to do the worst possible thing.

Always either physically take the money for safekeeping or get a lawyer to safeguard it. Keep records of everything.

Go to your local family court and file for support.
There will be people there who can guide you.

Then, he will have to respond and or pay and or get the court after him.

If he has $25000 in the bank I would RUN down there and get it ASAP or have the attorney freeze the account.

Usually its a race to the bank when divorce papers have been filed.

Well, if he loved you he would contact his son and encourage him to end his affair immediately and he would also contact the OW and tell her that she will NEVER be welcome into his home or at any family events.

No money for a lawyer, I called and it is a $3500- retainer and that is just the basics, it could end up being more.
Also once I file for separation does he have access to 1/2 my IRA and my 401K ? What if I need them to live and take the hit tax wise. They are not very big , but they could help me get started in an apt when the time comes. I have about 5000- in my IRA and 12K in my 401k , the Feds will take about 40% right off the top! IF they even allow me to disperse it, some companies don't I have to call. Once I file for separation I probably can't do any of that stuff.
I can disperse my IRA , but will also take a hit tax wise because I am not old enough. That's the extent of my money , should I use it?
I have no way to just take 1/2 the money from him, wish I did. Is there a lawyer on here that could answer this for me?
Thanks
Zo

Thank you Jedi_Knight, I hope he does that, I will ask him next time we talk to see if he did.

You need to get with a lawyer. Your husband has the money right now to pay a lawyer. Get one who will help get you an emergency order to get your hands on that money. And no, the IM should not be asking for money.

Thanks MelodyLane Ill do my best, and see if I can get some help on that,

Hi Everyone,
Just checking in. I am firmly in Plan B . It has been hard I still cry a lot. I did sleep last night all the way through for the first time. I'm still having dreams, they suck. I am very thankful for my IM who has been great and helped me get through all of this. . I had to leave quickly so I'm still working through some details like filing taxes and separation papers etc. it's funny WH hasn't asked about any of those things. Anyway I'm thinking more about the future, what it will be like, by myself and that scares me. Living with others has been hard after being on my own for so long, but I'm grateful .
Zo

Good for you. We know how tough it is when you first enter Plan B. Stay focused on your healing. When you have a tough time come here to the boards.

Stay strong, friend. What are your plans for the weekend?

BrainHurts you asked about The weekend , today is Monday so that seems far away . Sometimes I'm not even sure what day it is. However, I think I will be at one or the other of my sister in laws by then. I'm in California now trying to make decisions. I'm not able to concentrate very well. I'm lucky they have both welcomed me.
Zo

That's okay, take one day at a time.

Did you ever get on any ADs? What do you do for yourself each day? Something that is just for you?

Hi BrainHurts,
No I am not on AD, although I do have them. I was trying to think of what I do for me. I couldn't come up with anything, I mean everyone is trying to help me, take me to the movies, lay out by the pool stuff like that. everything I hear or do brings up a memory and that life is gone now and I have to stop myself from saying it so I just don't join in the conversations. I'm just quiet. I need to make new memories and I don't know how to forget 32 years and it's so painful . He was my whole life , when does it stop hurting so much? Is there a length of time I can look toward when I will start to feel better? People tell me I need to get angry and I just haven't been able to do that., sometimes I think if I saw WH with OW maybe that would make me angry? I don't know.
Zo

I'm so sorry for your continued pain. Everyone's path to healing has different time frames. Some may take longer than others and 32 years isn't something you can't just get over. I'm glad you have a strong support system.

Why won't you take your ADs? Dr. Harley recommends them during this trying time. It would be just a temporary time, but I think it will help you get through the painful memories and help you stay focused.

Please remember this is a very important time for self care.

Please take care of yourself, my friend.

Hi Zo, could you simply reply to these people that it bothers you to hear reference to your past right now? 32 years is much of your life, and unless these people have been through the exact same trauma, they aren't going to be able to understand how very painful that it is for you. People who truly care about you will respect your request (It may take a couple of "it bothers me when" gentle reminders though).

The new memories will happen. It takes time, but someday soon you will have a little spark and realize that you are enjoying the present moment. I can't believe that I am telling you this (because I made almost verbatim the same complaint on my own thread lol), but there WILL come a time when the GOOD memories from your past won't hurt so badly to think of. The fond things like moments with your siblings, or memories of your children when they were young�they will again be safe to cherish.

I did not have to go Plan B, so some of the veteran Plan B'ers can offer their insights here.

For my situation, I got told early on (here on this forum) that anger would not help me, and that instead, it would only hold me in the past, and thinking about the past, which would keep me traumatized so to speak.

So I did kind of similar to what Dr. H suggests for people who have an anger problem�I learned how to RELAX when I was triggered in any way. I did this by meditation every day, sometimes 2-3 times per day at the beginning.

THINKING about your husband will NOT help you right now Zo. Remember, Plan B is for YOU to heal. You should not be talking about him with anyone (or listening to THEM talk about him!), or thinking about him at ALL.

Hi Zo

Doing nothing legally is a bad idea. Until you file for D, your WH can build up debt that you may be held responsible for and he can blow marital funds that will difficult to recover later. Have you spoken to your children or inlaws about lending you money? You can also speak to Legal Aid who may be able to help you prepare D paperwork for yourself. Can you take a loan out of your 401K? I would avoid cashing in retirement accounts if possible.

Black_raven, I talked to a lawyer and he said I would only be responsible for debt that was incurred for marital expenses. If my WH borrowed it for say his own purposes ,or his own living expenses or his own business etc. I would not be held responsible for that debt even though we are not yet legally separated. Do you think this is correct ?
Zo

Hi Everyone,
Having some trouble remaining dark enough.I guess the best way to describe this is WH is complaining to his parents about being exposed and trying to make me look bad to them. They are very upset and feel I am hurting him and his business because his clients now know, word has gotten around , and the OW co workers now know ( I don't know how that happened)
He tells his folks these things because he knows it hurts THEM, and because they are very old fashioned, and believe things should remain private, so they are angry at me .they think because of the past exposure It is my fault now .
Also he knows there is no way to contact me except through my IM so he has gone through his brother who then contacted the parents. It was a very upsetting day, I gently reminded my in laws that if my WH has something to say to me he is to go through the IM and that he caused all this not me. I love my in laws and want to stay in their lives , What should I do about this?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Zo

Good answer to your in-laws. They should not be angry about exposure. If they are, they will get over it. It's not a deal breaker, nor should it be. In the long run, if they have any common sense, they will understand that hiding a problem enables it.

If your marriage survives this, your relationship with your in-laws will be strong. If it doesn't, then your contact with them will diminish and with that so will the connection, though there will always probably be good feelings so long as they don't turn on you.

You are doing the right thing, and though they may not understand Plan B, it doesn't really matter. Hang in there.

Tell your ILs

I love you two but my feelings are very hurt by your lack of support for what I am going through. I don't feel safe with you right now. Please either give me support or give me space to heal from this devastation.

(You need to create a new support system.)

Also remember the fallout from exposure is due to his affair not by you telling the truth.

You're in Plan B. For your sake, tell everyyone that you don't want to know/hear anything about your WH while he stays wayward. Do not feel guilty about exposure. That is your WH still trying to gaslight everyone.

Thank you all, it's just another truth I needed to hear, I need to remind myself I did not cause this, he did. Exposure is good and enabling is bad, which is what his parents are doing. As a matter of fact they have always been like this and I am just now realizing how bad it really is and the generations it has affected. I still hope for reconciliation , although I do not know how I could live with all this and I might not ever have the chance to know anyway .
I will remind everyone again I do not want to know anything!!!
Thanks,
Zo

Question, I feel strange without my wedding ring on, yet it doesn't feel right to wear it either. It was my grandmothers and WH had a engagement ring made to match it , I thought I could have them separated and wear my grandmas ring on my right hand. Even though I'm still,legally married . I don't feel married and being in Plan B I'm on my own anyway.
Thanks Zo

Also I wanted to let you all know I had my hair done, cut colored and highlighted! My cousin did as a gift , so I did something for myself and it felt good.
Zo

Good job. This is so important while in Plan B. Continue with your self care.

About your wedding ring, I would continue to wear it until divorced. After all you didn't want to end the marriage and you didn't ruin it by having an affair.

When and what's your next self care? Have you ever had a manicure or pedicure?

Hi !
I gave myself a manicure and pedicure, tomorrow I am going for a walk with the family , I am back with my brother now. Doing a little better each day. I did feel sad today because all I wanted to do was go home, but. I have no home and that sucks. WH took all that away . My disability is almost up . I'm going to have to do something( get a job) yet I don't feel ready to do anything.
I think I'm still in shock a little .
BIG BREATH
Zo

I'm feeling lost. I read the thread on The Art of War. Since I'm in Plan B And am dark I don't feel like I am doing anything to fight for my marriage. Since all exposure is done ,It feels as if I'm allowing my WH and the OW to just continue on undisturbed.
Is there ever a time to remind WH of PBL?
Is there anything else I can do? the only thing I have not done is post OW on websites and I listened to Dr Harley's radio show on that and he said he doesn't recommend it one way or the other. Any advice?
Zo

First, you aren't fighting for your marriage in Plan B. The purpose of Plan B is to protect the emotional health of the betrayed spouse.

Second, you are not "allowing" BH and OW to continue their affair. You have no control over their behavior so you cannot allow or disallow the adultery to continue.

Third, regarding exposure, I would ask you: What do you have to lose by posting OW on an internet exposure website?

No. In Plan B you should have no communication with him.
He doesn't need reminded.

Z, you've been doing a great job! I know it's hard and you feel helpless but continue with plan B. Make you your biggest focus. Who do you want to be, married or not? Start becoming that woman.

Though it's hard to imagine, affairs are not a happy place to be. Your husband has his own struggle but do what you can to NOT think about it. Let him tough things out.

I get the sense that you are a very devoted wife, so trying to dream a new life is tough. You've devoted yourself to WH and your family for so long that being cut loose from it is terribly difficult.

KEEP GOING. WH knows what needs to be done if he wants to win you back. If he cant do those things, you WILL create a new life for yourself. Keep going.

Hi Zibbles, Jedi_Knight,
I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that there will be no reconciliation. I guess I feel I may not have done enough in Plan -A, but when I look back and review I think I did. The pain is great , I wonder if it could be due to my own ego? Since I really didn't end this? I mean I did ask WH not to come home but that was already at DDAY2.
Zo

I would just focus on Plan B and LIVING LIFE.

Hi All,
Is there a forum for people in Plan B? If so I can't find it. If there isn't , is it possible to create one? I wonder what Dr Harley would say about that and if he has any ideas about a book for people in Plan B. I've read SAA, and 3 other books that focus mostly on being in a relationship or PlanA and then how to correctly do Plan B. Plan B is recommended to last 2 years and It is not recommended to date or even have a close relationship,with the opposite sex, ( not that I have any desire ) there are a lot of stages involved, grief , anger , fear, etc. anyone have any ideas or suggestions ? Friends are great but it would be nice to read some good material on it that helped work through all those feelings.
Thanks Zo

Have you read any of the threads from posters that are in Plan B?

This board is full of people that have been in Plan B.

There used to be a Plan B thread where people hung out who were in it.

It disappeared during a board revamp.

Hi,
Thanks everyone ,
BrainHurts , I think I have read every thread I can find of people in Plan B .
Jedi_Knight
I wish there was a forum for those of us going through Plan B . I have good days and bad, and I don't feel this is the right forum for me.I'm not surviving the affair anymore ,Im trying to move on from it. I'm supposed to not think of it etc. . I'm doing a great bible study, focusing on myself, weighing my options ( where will I live etc) . I still think a forum for those of us newly going through this would be helpful.
Zo

Aloha ,
I haven't posted in a long while, trying to stay dark. Although I have tried my best to follow through with my Plan B there have been a few pitfalls, with extended family mostly. I also filed for an uncontested divorce mainly to protect myself. However my WS has thwarted that effort at every opportunity . Which is weird to me since he is the one who had the affairs. So now I'm confronted with the question of what do I do now? Legal separation in Hawaii is a 2 year agreement and basically spells out what you would agree to in a divorce. I just don't want to be responsible for the debt he is acquiring . I already paid a lawyer and now he won't represent me because my WS won't allow it and lawyer IS TECHNICALLY -also represented by him since it was supposed to be uncontested even though I am the one who has done all the work and paid all the money. I am just trying to survive financially but still want to protect myself at this point . If anyone has any suggestions I Would really appreciate it. Also has anyone ever considered a alienation of affection lawsuit? It's still actionable in my state.
Thanks Zo

Zo,

How did you file for an uncontested divorce? Don't you file and then the other party contests or not? If he filed then if you don't contest then it should be fine.

There is no state in the union where you will be forced to stay married. You can get a divorce from a person who has disappeared entirely, so you can definitely get a divorce if you want to.

You need to get a lawyer who is not also representing your husband.

If you filed an uncontested divorce then there would be no lawyer representing you since both parties are in agreement. You should ask for the balance of your money back if the lawyer isn't/can't provide the services you need or have him file a contested divorce.. You have a contested divorce, not an uncontested one. I am not sure why you would have filed uncontested.

Yes there is a lawyer who is doing the paperwork and filing the necessary documents with the court. He also agreed to communicate with WS so I did not have to. I filed uncontested because my WS agreed to do whatever I wanted. And it is much less expensive to do it that way in my state. WS has not agreed as it turns out . So yes now it is considered contested . Now the lawyer cannot represent me because WS said no to that. And he has that right because the lawyer technically represents us both. I am out of money at the moment since I paid for the lawyer , and am trying to survive financially. My only concern at this point is to protect my self, I really don't care if I'm divorced or not, I just don't want to be responsible for his continued behavior. Just asking if anyone had any advice on the best way to proceed. I will ask the lawyer for a refund.
Thanks
Zo

I dont think anyone benefits from an alienation of affection lawsuit. I dont think it would help you heal and prepare for the next chapter of your life in plan B either.

I suggest sending a message (through the im) to your husband: agree to the terms of the uncontested divorce or you are hiring another attorney and will seek everything

Aloha ,
I'm now posting with a final divorce announcement. After a lot of grief my WS finally signed the divorce papers. It's bittersweet but I'm ready . It's been over a year so I guess that's what he wants. I'll move to another thread now. Thank you so much for everyone's support.
Zo

What he may or may not want is immaterial. Understanding the mind of the wayward is an impossibility. Even though my marriage has recovered from my wife's affair, she can not explain what she was thinking back then to me.

So, peace be with you now and have a wonderful 4th of July!