The background of my issue is that my wife was flirting and sexting with three different men from after the time we started dating in 2013 until the texting stopped in May, 2014 after I had noticed her sexting someone while we both did laundry at the cleaners...

We began dating in January, 2013, after meeting online, and physically met for the first time in February, 2013 when we had a date... In April, 2013, she relocated (planned move before meeting me...) to New York, then Atlanta, to work for two doctors as their nanny. When she returned to New York in August, I started visiting her once a month during our LDR, then we married in November, 2013. From that time, I tried to apply for a job transfer, which was successful in April, 2014, and we've been living together since...

The way I found out she was sexting other men was when we went to the cleaners to wash clothing, and her phone buzzed when she went to the restroom. What I saw blew my mind, and I immediately questioned our relationship once she returned... I saw she was texting intimate details between this man, who I found out and researched, was a Nigerian scammer. She was doing a "favor" for an ex female friend in Los Angeles, who was being harrassed by him, and she took her identity while texting, but it bothered me because of the content of the texts, which were all about "getting her pregnant", having an "open door" in her life for this joker, "can't wait to meet each other", "feeling like a teenager in love", using "terms of endearment" with each other, and giving her phone number and personal e-mail address, when I know she's really protective about that information.

Now, the seeds of suspicion were planted, though I knew she was scamming a scammer, but I noticed our phone bill had excessive texts and calls to unknown numbers where I knew they were not to friends or family I knew on her side. I did more research, and she immediately changed her number and phone after I brought it to her attention, and she blamed the scammer for hacking our cell phone accounts. Now I had the old phone in my possession, and even more proof of infidelity showed up...

There were three odd phone numbers from guys in the contacts, and three (including the Nigerian scammer) Facebook Messenger strings that were short, but what I observed made my heart drop... It seems like she was contacting these guys' profiles and her spiel while asking to befriend them on Facebook was along the lines of "I'm still single, and searching for a good man"... I saw the date stamps for the first guy on March, 2013, and we were already exclusive, and engaged to be married. For the second guy, it occurred in October, 2013, two weeks before our wedding. The strings were not intimate or sexual in content, but for her to lie to them and say she's 100% single really hurt me...

She is a Philippine emigrant, not computer or tech savvy, but I feel that the computer and Facebook provided a temptation to "play" and "experiment" with other guys. I was pissed, and set boundaries for her not to "play" or contact strangers in that manner, and turned it around to seeing how she would feel if I carried on the same way with another woman. So far, its working because our phone bills reflect only numbers we both know... I have eyes in the back of my head, and will not hesitate to serve her papers if she begins to contact other men once more... Thanks for listening, and sorry if it's long and drawn out...

NY, I would take this a step further and secretly install spyware on her cell phone and ask her to completely delete her facebook account.

I agree you should separate if you find evidence it has continued. She has not "fallen" into affairs, she is actively pursuing them. You are not safe until you have evidence that has ended.

I'm with her every moment of each weekend, and have done my homework with various spyware for her Android phone, but I think the most difficult thing would be finding time to do it. I know it will either give me peace of mind, or the mindset to file papers immediately, depending on if I find anything else...

So far, so good, but of course, I'll never let my guard down for even one millisecond... Thanks!

Can you get it when she sleeps? Here is a thread about an awesome spyware program. here

Welcome to MB.

Do you want to stay married? Do you have any children together?

I am currently under the care of a therapist about the infidelity issues I've experienced, as well as for other issues that are eating at me right now.

1. Wife "sexting" and carrying on with other men on Facebook where I found proof of lying about our relationship status as well as very hurtful exchanged chats between her and the other men... When someone you love starts chatting about wanting to meet them, have sex and get pregnant with them, being in love like a teenager and sharing terms of endearment that should be shared with me, then it's hard to recover from...

2. Being victimized by my ex wife 7 years ago after our divorce when I found out the hard way what "parental alienation" meant... Was not invited to my twin sons' graduation, 18th birthday, was shunned by them and even cursed at by them... What type of brainwashing occurred???

3. Friend was a victim of cancer, as well as infidelity by his wife after his diagnosis, which actually was for a benign tumor, which was treatable and not life threatening... It was the infidelity that did him in, with a self inflicted bullet wound to his temple, after a previous attempt on his own life with pills...

I think these events warranted quick response by me and immediate treatment by going to counseling and therapy. Only thing is my wife knows I knew about the sexting and EA on Facebook, which fortunately, did not result in divorce or separation. Just wondering how she'll take the news... Will she think less of me as a "weakling" or will she be supportive. Hopefully it will be the latter, because of what part she had in my ill feelings... Any and all feedback appreciated!!! Thanks!

Have you followed the MB program to recover from your WW's affair? Have you exposed her affair?

Who was OM?

I'm so sorry about your children. Are you talking to them now?
I'm so sorry about your friend's suicide.

Thanks so much! I actually witnessed it happening when we both did laundry and her phone buzzed from a chat alert while she was in the restroom. All range of emotions happened that one split second... I asked her who the person was, and she mentioned it was an online Facebook friend (stranger overseas, about 10K miles away...). I said that it was hurtful, it was definitely cheating, those things should be directed to me and not to a stranger, then I asked if our marriage was really worth it if she pulled stunts like that to hurt me. Since she's an emigrant from the Philippines, I guess they're not too tech savvy and she's never been exposed to Facebook or chatrooms before, so I hope it was just a one time curiosity thing with her. So far, there's been no weird or unusual activity on her phone or Facebook chat. Only mutual friends and her family she's been corresponding with. I know she got the message about how it affected me and hurt me...

Thanks for the good words... I still have not seen or heard from my sons (just turned 22 this year...), and I guess it was too late to help my friend, because he just gave up though his condition was not life threatening... Cheating spouses and what they do, can really affect your life in a truly negative way...

Hi NY,

A couple of things as the affair issue and honesty with your wife are two separate items.

So... #1 Recovery from an affair:

Firstly, the only way we can help you recover from an affair is to follow this program. Dr H has also expressly warned about the very high likelihood of failure with a talking shop approach using an inexperienced counsellor. The way to recover from an affair is to make it better than ever, not rehash the pain over and over. Here:



I realise it will be a conversation with somebody else, but it will keep you in victim mode to discuss it.

It is a very painful thing you are discussing. The most painful thing I ever experienced that's for sure. Now I am happy because I know how to move away from the past and create a great present.

It doesn't involve rehashing the past. It most importantly does not involve talking.



#2 Radical Honesty.

If you want to stay with your wife you must be completely open with her, holding nothing back. However you are probably not yet in a position to do this because it doesn't sound like you are in recovery.

How many of the steps here are you familiar with, and have you done the most important one - Exposure of your wife's affair to all your family and friends?

VERY IMPORTANT

Exposure must be done without tipping off your wife.

Radical Honesty comes later.

Hi NYtransplant, the best way to handle life's tragedies is to find solutions to your current problems and create a happy life today. When you are happy today, your mind does not wander to the past. I don't believe in going to grief counseling because I know it keeps people depressed and prevents them from creating a happy life in the present. Bringing the tragedy of the past into the present only makes the present a sad place to be.

If I were you, I would stop therapy and start learning how to create a great marriage in the present.

And yes, your wife should know everything you do, so she should know you are in counseling.

Listen to these from Dr. H. Beware of Bad Counselors

Here's the link to NY's other thread maybe they can be merged into one.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170728&Number=2810839#Post2810839