Hello,

I will start by stating that I'm not a victim of infidellity, however one of my family members is.

I've browsed quite a bit on this site and I would loike your thoughs on a matter that I can't really find much info about here.

I know of the term Just Compensation that is used here but that doesn't really cover the things I'm thinking about.

Anyways here is what I'm not getting to terms with:

What is apropriate/OK/good to demand/ask for in regards to recompence or compensation (Not to mix with Just Compensation) from a WS?

The thing is, all(?) BS's struggle a lot with the idea of the WS getting away with their deed. I Think many want "justice". Justice is tightly ingrained in us in every other Life situation. We get justice for other "crimes" done. I also Think this would be very helpfull in removing resentment from the BS.

What is the "Hardy" way of this?

Well, what is justice?
Under the old Mosaic laws of Israel, the adulteress would be stones to death.
Jesus said to Go and Sin No More.

Just compensation is all that can be done to compensate the betrayed spouse for choosing to remain in the marriage.

Restoring the marriage IS just compensation! For those of us who have lived through this nightmare, we can certify that fact. Getting to a point where the marriage is better than before, and where I have EPs to give me certainty that nothing like that will happen again does plenty to remove resentment from me. I don't know what you have in mind, but I'd bet that the end result would be more resentment and a marriage that is not better than before.

Affair proofing and recovering the marriage is just compensation. This process brings the greatest happiness and relief to the betrayed spouse because the end result is a passionate, happy marriage.

I understand that "just compensation" in the end might give a healthy M.

However, to me there is no justice in that. Given that the average time to get through an event such as this is 2-5 years it is a lot of "sh*t" to swallow for the Bs before you reach a good M again.

Wouldn't it be helpful during this process to have the WS to compensate you in some, for the Most, undestructible way?

Compensation could be a lot of different things like:
Housework
Free time
Dates with the WS on the WS expense
expense
Etc...

Tom,

Have you read Dr. Harley's books?

Most of that is part of just compensation, i.e.: free time, dates. And since the WS' :money" is marriage money, the money comes out of the marital bank account. As far as doing "housework" that is subject to the POJA. Forcing a spouse to do housework as punishment does not achieve a happy marriage. And it is benefits the BS to have a happy marriage.

Says who? Why don't you ask the people who are in fully recovered, happy marriages what they think?

I think you may be talking about causing resentment when you force a spouse to "do housework" as punishment for their affair.

Have you read this and listened to the clips?
Resentment Type A and B

Nobody says that the betrayed spouse has to choose recovery. Dr. Harley and for the most part all of us here will be the first to say that that's a personal decision. If it does not seem just to you, don't recover.


This sounds more like punishment than recovery, and punishment leads to the opposite of a happy marriage.

I'm particularly concerned with that "on the WS expense" phrase. In a happy, healthy marriage, husband and wife typically have their funds integrated - so the husband's expense and the wife's expense are the same. Trying to live with separate bank accounts is a good way to avoid the oneness and closeness and integration that is crucial for a good marriage.

Again, if you don't want to be one and close and integrated with your WS, then don't try to follow this plan. The Marriage Builders plan for recovery from an affair is for those who want to put the marriage back the way it should have always been.

Plus, I mean - wow, isn't that really trivial compensation for the worst trauma one human being can inflict on another.

Husbands and wives certainly provide lots of services to each other, big and small. But if one of the first ones you think about is housework, you are probably not very much in love with your spouse and probably need to either separate for your health and wellbeing or change priorities so you can follow a plan that will recover your marriage.

No I haven't. Since I wasn't the BS or the WS I haven't done that.

I have however read most of the information on this site and I have read a lot of threads in this forum as well as on other forums.

Yes most have a marital bank account. However, many also have a certain amount for each spouse to do with as they want wether that is buying clothes, going to a cafe with friends etc.

It was that money I thought about. Obviously if you don't have your own spending money that wouldn't work.

Of cause you don't want a resentfull WS but the thing is that you already have a resentfull BS and wouldn't it be a good idea to do anything to lessen that?

Obviously if you are fully recovered you have moved passed this problem.

But do people fully recover?

Wont the A always be there still causing at least some angst?

That doesn't meen that you can't have a very good M and be happy anyways or am I wrong about that?

Look at it from another angle. We are all deeply ingrained that if you commit a crime and get caught you get punished. We expect and want that to happen if we are the victim. Would we be equally fine without that justice if the criminal worked on him/her self with the victim so that the criminal would hopefully not do that again and at the same time become your closest friend?

Yes you fully recover especially when you follow the MB plans. Many of us have way better marriages then we've ever had.

TOM,
I agree, it doesn't seem fair. But think about this. Many wayward spouses never take ownership for the adultery. They say, "I had no choice. I did it because my spouse was neglecting me."

Do you think they are going to stick around to take their punisment?

Did WWI War reparations prevent another war? No they were an indirect cause for WWII.

There are many reasons, but no excuses for infidelity. And inorder to survive an affair, the marriage has to be better than what it was before the affair.

Yes both spouses need to examine what they both did to lead to the affair.


You raise a great point and Just Compensation is designed to lessen pain and make the betrayed spouse feel safe.

Yes I have read that and to me I interpret it as this:

The A causes Type A resentment.

Compensation/Recompence might cause Type B resentment but it is not sure it will.

I'm not saying that you can't have a better/great M.

But can you honestly say that you being a BW never experience negative things because of your WH's A? Never anymore? Never a touch of stress because he has to travel for work or something?

Did you listen to the clips at the end of the thread?
Resentment Type A and Type B

Tom,

If the program in Surviving an Affair is followed then the conditions which make the affair possible, such as overnight traveling is eliminated.

There are no nights apart in an MB marriage.

All overnight travel has been eliminated and we live a completely transparent and interdependent marriage. We are more in love then we've ever been.

If the WS doesn't want to stay then this whole discussion is meaningless. I come from this with the asumption that both WS and BS is willing to try.

Regarding WW1. You are correct, however if we follow your line of thought we shouldn't have punbished the Nazi leadership and consentration camp personel because it doesn't prevent anything.

Some form of compensation/recompence is ingrained into us as a very central part of us.

The next paragraph of yours I totaly agree with.

However I don't really agree with your next part. It is never anything the BS does that leads to an A. That is 100% on the WS. However, they both contribute to the state of the M and the problems it has.

My problem with "Just Compensation" is that I just don't see anything there that adresses compensation/recompence. Yes it is designed to affair prof your M and make your M a great one but it demands an equal amount from both BS and WS. So in a way you can see it as the WS is being rewarded with a great M for their A and pays nothing for it that the BS doesn't do.

If I was a WS and regretted the A and wanted to stay with my BS I would gladly and expect to have to do a lot more than the BS to repair the M. But I don't see that in Just Compensation at all and that makes me wonder...

Tom,

What is the point of the thread?
Are you considering divorce?

Sorry if I struck a nerve there.

Houswork as well as the other things I listed was just examples of things. There is tons of things you could do. And obviously it wouldn't be one thing and yes just having the WS do 4 days of dishes and the BS 3 every week is very trivial. But that was never the idea.

Also if you didn't notice it I'm not a BS nor a WS.

BrainHurts

OK, change travel for work with a work related conference lasting late in the evening or a meeting with a late dinner with important customers instead.

Again I don't doubt that you can have a better M. However, you didn't answer my question if you as a BS ever experience stress, angst or any negative thing because of the A even though you have a great M now?

Sorry everybody, I noticed that I didn't quote, thought I did. I'll do that from now on when replying.

I'm neither a WS or a BS so no I don't.

The point of this thread is that I'm trying to learn. I have a very close family member that is a recent BS and I'm trying to understand as much as I can and help what I can.

Other forums I've been on proposes quite a different approach than MB and I want to know your thoughts regarding the issue of compensation/recompence, most other parts of the MB principle I think I grasp and understand in a general way.

I'm not trying to be a pain or anything just having a discussion and learning as much as I can. Since I got mostly negative feedback or no understanding of my initial thoughts I'm trying to understand your point of view and have you challenge this idea.

I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong forum for this discussion. Please point me in the right way if that is the case.